Good morning...
Question of the day: Have you ever tried to balance a teeter totter on your own? You know, be on that playground ride and balance both ends off the ground without using your hands and your feet cannot touch the ground? We all know that if you stand on the middle and shift your weight just so, it can be done. That is what life is to be about... balance. We balance work and play everyday. All those little annoyances that add weight to one end or the other is what we try to counteract upon. Some people are quite talented on doing just that. while others have no balancing skills whatsoever.
People, like myself, tend to eventually balance things out, but it is not a smooth transition. The ends bounce up and down quite often. When we do manage to balance that board, it looks shaky. It is a constant battle to keep the board still. Sadly, I thought I had my balancing act down-pact. I started yet another journey (albeit it is with Weight Watchers) to lose weight, and I added a new challenge... To quit smoking. Yep, the one habit I have had for years since my father died. I did quit once and was doing quite well. Then my dad passed away and I grabbed onto that crutch and have not let go since. The sudden desire to quit NOW has been something in the works a long time, but the final push was after seeing my husband in the hospital. The man that I saw as 10 feet tall and bulletproof obviously wasn't. Seeing the scared look on his face (and rightfully so) was my sign to make some serious changes in my lifestyle. We have a child to consider and we need to be here for her.
So, as I have been trying to accomplish 2 things at once, I realized that I was having a harder time letting go of my smoking crutch. I am really good at focusing on one thing at a time. If my plans were to lose weight, I would do just fine on that. I just happened to add another challenge that needs more than half of my attention. During the start of this journey to a better lifestyle and a healthier weight, I did not realize that an old demon was picking the lock on the door that I have since long ago locked. I have had a history of suffering from generalized panic disorder. In other words.... I had panic attacks. I placed a large focus on controlling my panic attacks without medications for years. I can honestly say that I had a pretty good handle on my tendencies to panic for over 12 years. I was only on Xanax for a total of 6 months and that included weaning myself off. I was medication free before I even got pregnant with my daughter. I figured that if I can control this, I can handle anything that comes my way.
While trying to keep this blog as short as I can, I guess I should just get to my current dilemma that I have. After seeing the doctor yesterday about my complaints of headaches and feeling a bit lightheaded, she noticed my ability to clinch my jaw and grind my teeth while being in her office. She saw this as a sign that I am trying to control too much on my plate. After telling her my current plans of losing weight and quitting smoking, she did the math. I am over stressing myself and causing a similar, but not exact, panic attack to occur. Believing that I need assistance, she prescribed my Wellbutrin to help with my attitude and quit smoking. After picking up my prescription, I have a tendency to read the potential side effects and potential risks (stupid anxious person that I am), and started to wonder if it is worth taking this stuff (looked like the cons outweighs the pros to me). After talking to my older sister, the nurse, she assured me that this will work in my favor and I will be just fine. Since I take her opinion highly, I started taking this stuff this morning. So far, so good.... no side effects to report. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is just short term and will help me do a better balancing act. I just hope that my doctor sees it as a short term thing, too, because I really hate taking pills.
Thanks for reading.... Have a great day everyone :)
Friday, August 26, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The things people do to achieve.....
Good morning friends :)
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
Monday, August 1, 2011
Scary changes...
Ever get into a terrible rut when it comes to the way you do things? Have you been less than thrilled to take on some major changes you know that you have to make? Ever had such a lousy attitude about change that you manage to lose focus on the important reasons for the change? I can honestly say that I have been facing some much needed changes that I have been kind-of avoiding.... Here is the briefest synopsis I can drum up. Just accept it that it is is in outline form and quite choppy when it comes to flow. It is the best I can offer today....
Sunday, July 24, 2011:
I knew that I had to change my diet. I know that I have to think more about my health and quit smoking. Just being told to do both at the same time is not what I wanted to do. Being overweight, emotionally unbalanced from nicotine withdrawal, and try to lose weight when it is widely known that weight gain is going to happen when you quit smoking is a little more than I was ready to take on after last week's events. I have full intentions of achieving both (losing weight and quitting smoking), but my original plan was to lose weight first, then quit smoking. Less stress on my mind to do it that way, and with the weight gain that I know is going to happen no matter how hard I try, I at least would have some clue how to manage my diet better if I can see some weight come off first and the weight gain would not be as big of a deal as it will become now. Last time I quit smoking for a year and a half, I gained 40 pounds that I can't seem to take off even when I fell off the wagon and lit up again.
Already stepped on the scale after doing some major cutting back on the cigarettes and changing my diet. 4 days in and I already gained 2 pounds. Not real happy about that. Just gonna keep trying. DH is required to quit smoking, too. He also is required to stop drinking, cut out high fat foods, salt and butter. I am trying to be supportive by following his required diet and quit smoking with him. This is a lot harder than I remember, but I know that once we both quit.... It will be easier to stay smoke free. I think that is what made it easier for me to fall off the wagon last time because we both did not quit... only me. I know that there is an "upside" to all of this, but seeing me gain in the past 4 days really is making it hard to focus on the "big picture". I just sure hope I do not fail....
Sunday, July 24, 2011:
- DH complains of breathing difficulty and finally agrees to see a doctor.
- Take DH to one of those 24 hour treatment centers since my doctor does not work on Sundays.
- DH is rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Initial tests point towards Atrial Fibrillation, excessive fluids in lungs, feet and ankles with increased heart rate.... All the makings for Congestive Heart Failure.
- DD freaks and demands to go home, DH screaming he needs help, and I am reaming out the ER doctor with demands that a Cardiologist gets called in and sits vigil at DH's bedside while I take DD home and seek out a sitter. (Stress level excessively high)
- I get a call shortly after getting home from the ER doctor that DH did not suffer a heart attack and still has issues becoming stable so he was sent to the cardiac ICU and will get the attention that I demanded he gets.
- DH remains in ICU. Tests being taken and no answers offered to me. DH asks doctors to keep me "in the dark" and to only tell him what is going on.
- Late Tuesday morning, DH gets moved to a room in the cardiac wing. He is stable, but his heart beat is irregular and his pulse rate is too high. More tests taken.
- Tests, tests and more tests. Still being kept in the dark about it all except I am sneaky enough to demand to get answers from his nurse off his chart.
- DH gets a roommate Wednesday night. Screamer the whole night and was revived from the brink of death in the morning... Just before I get to the hospital. DH is a bit concerned and wants to come home.
- Decision was made to do 2 procedures on Thursday morning. One was to check for clots and faulty valves of his heart. If all looks good... DH gets a shock to the heart to restore regular, controlled heart beats and pulse rate. DH goes through both procedures like a champ.
- DH gets okay to be released .
- DH is home by dinner time. New diet in place and some serious changes are underway. Pile of new medicines to manage and a calendar filling up with various doctor appointments.
I knew that I had to change my diet. I know that I have to think more about my health and quit smoking. Just being told to do both at the same time is not what I wanted to do. Being overweight, emotionally unbalanced from nicotine withdrawal, and try to lose weight when it is widely known that weight gain is going to happen when you quit smoking is a little more than I was ready to take on after last week's events. I have full intentions of achieving both (losing weight and quitting smoking), but my original plan was to lose weight first, then quit smoking. Less stress on my mind to do it that way, and with the weight gain that I know is going to happen no matter how hard I try, I at least would have some clue how to manage my diet better if I can see some weight come off first and the weight gain would not be as big of a deal as it will become now. Last time I quit smoking for a year and a half, I gained 40 pounds that I can't seem to take off even when I fell off the wagon and lit up again.
Already stepped on the scale after doing some major cutting back on the cigarettes and changing my diet. 4 days in and I already gained 2 pounds. Not real happy about that. Just gonna keep trying. DH is required to quit smoking, too. He also is required to stop drinking, cut out high fat foods, salt and butter. I am trying to be supportive by following his required diet and quit smoking with him. This is a lot harder than I remember, but I know that once we both quit.... It will be easier to stay smoke free. I think that is what made it easier for me to fall off the wagon last time because we both did not quit... only me. I know that there is an "upside" to all of this, but seeing me gain in the past 4 days really is making it hard to focus on the "big picture". I just sure hope I do not fail....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)