Binge and Purge....

Okay, if you think that this is about an eating disorder... think again.  This is about Spring Cleaning and what I really think about it......

Ever notice that every Spring, we get a renewed sense of energy clean your house.... I mean REALLY clean your house?

Somehow, we manage to have things that seem to multiply over the winter months, or so we think.  Basically, we tend to overlook Christmas and all the things we manage to purchase as gifts to one another... and the stuff we manage to buy ourselves as the need arises during the holiday season.  I'll admit it... I hate shopping, but if I have to go to the store, I manage to leave with more than what was on the list... especially when it comes to non-food items.  If it is on sale, I seem to be inclined to join the bandwagon and buy.  Especially when it comes to those special "buy one, get one free" deals.  Chances are, I really only need one thing, but getting something free is a definite draw to purchasing in excess.  I believe I have enough shower gel to last me a year since the store Bath and Body Works offers such great deals whenever I go in there.  Same thing goes for haircare products.  Being a hairdresser, I have access to deals-a-plenty from vendors whenever I pick up a few things I need for work.  T-shirts, socks, and the such seem to have multiplied also.  Now, I know that these are things we need, but somehow, we tend to be forgetful about getting rid of something when we get something new.  Old, and worn out socks need to be tossed, old t-shirts, jeans, and sweaters really do not need to keep residence once you lose count of what you have.  Having a child makes things just as difficult when they get too old for certain toys and outgrow their clothes, but seem to have an attachment to them.  As for books.... well, I think I should just utilize the library that much more since I have enough books to fill a wing of the library that I have read and do not intend to read again.

I just find it so interesting that in the time of an economic crisis, we still have too much stuff.  Being on a strict budget for almost 2 years, we still manage to have things to donate.  I will admit that there is still stuff that I know we will never use again in my home, but cannot seem to part with it.  Call it sentimental value, but knowing that I am not planning on having another child should be the deciding factor to finally part with DD's baby stuff (ya know... crib, diaper bags, bottles and such).  I even have things that I not even seen in years popping up in my Spring Cleaning adventure that I still feel compelled to keep.  I fear that I have the capability of becoming a closet hoarder since my house may look clean on site, but open a closet and.... BAM!  my secret is exposed.  Oh, I have excuses for keeping 4 winter coats even though I am one person, and I probably have the same number of excuses why I have 4 pairs of gym shoes, 5 pairs of sandals, 5 pairs of boots and 2 pairs of slippers when I have only two feet.

Realizing that we live in a binge and purge society with tendencies of being a bit sentimental about it all, I am thankful that there is Spring Cleaning to put us in check and control the hidden hoarder in every one of us.  I just hate trying to decide the fate of something when I spent money to purchase it.  What makes it even harder is to purge things that were given as a gift.  The whole thought process behind buying for another really makes the sentimental factor something into an undeniable force to reckon with.

Day one of Spring Cleaning was yesterday and I know I have not even made a real dent in it, but today is day number two.  Believe me, this is getting harder and harder to accomplish.  Especially, when DH has not purged ever and his stuff is actually hiding some of my stuff that I have not seen in years.  He still has stuff in the gift boxes, stacked in the closet.  I just don't know how to get him in the purging spirit so that this spring, I can actually do a thorough spring clean purge and get it over with.....  I can't make him do it, I can only hope he gets the clue and gets the desire to do a little purging, too......

Doubtful.....

Oh well, maybe next spring, right?

Tell me... is it bad to think this way?

Have you ever seen those commercial ads that have a person walking down the dirty streets of some third-world country with a cute, yet sad looking child walking with them, while talking about how if you donate just mere pennies a day, you can save their life?

*I tired to find the ad I saw yesterday on YouTube, but I could not find it.... sorry....*

Chances are, you have.  

I just wonder really how much of your supposed "cost of a coffee every day" really is being used to help these children.  You see, I happen to have a heart and believe that we are all responsible to help one another.  I guess it comes down to the saying... "If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day, but if you teach a man to fish, he can eat for a lifetime."  Now, I have seen these ads for years, still asking for help.  Call me a cynic, but I have my doubts that little child is really suffering if they have clothes on, a clean face and brushed hair.  Maybe I happen to agree with the sarcastic comment by Sam Kinnison about world hunger.  Here is what I mean....

Seeing the sad child walking the streets with no shoes on, holding an empty plate with tears in their eyes...  Sad thing to see, right?  I just happen to think about other things surrounding this scenario....  A narrator that has his bottle of water, a camera crew with food in the truck, a director that has the only concern of making this ad look so sad that people will feel compelled to give away money they do not have to help these poor souls, but get a really nice paycheck to take his family to Disney World in sunny Orlando, Florida.  Can you see my point of view?  Yes, Sam Kinnison was quite funny about his spin to help cure world hunger, but it has such a ring of truth to it.

I have a slightly different feeling when it comes to animals.  The ads for the ASPCA really are painful to watch.  Seeing the sad eyes to dogs and cats that have been abused and malnourished angers me, but makes me want to cry.  I am an animal lover to the core.  I would love to be a part of helping those solemn creatures that show unconditional love, but sadly, a majority of the shelters have placed a large price tag to bring one home.  The economy has squashed my hopes of doing my part in bringing a furry little friend into my home.

   

I do happen to see a pattern when it comes to these TV ads....  They are both educational when it comes to telling us that life is not easy.  There is pain and strife everywhere, but money is not necessarily the solution if these ads have been running for years.  A new concept must be seen in order to make the biggest change to the dilemmas that people and animals face.....  Compassion is one thing, but to constantly beg for money should not be the other.  Yep, it is sad to admit this....  but I am not the one that gets letters with pictures of the person or animal that I helped with my donations of mere pennies a day because I do not have pennies to spare.  I am the one that feels compelled to have an opinion and an idea.  If you cannot grow food where you live... you need to move.  If you really want to give a good home to an animal, make it cheaper to adopt for families that are capable of giving them a loving home.  If you really care about making a change, you need to lower the cost to make it affordable to all.  Destroy the greed and chances are, the problems in this world would become less and maybe just go away....  It all boils down to doing something for the greater good of it all...

So tell me... is it bad to think that these ads that beg for money are just ploys to line some foundations pockets instead of really making a difference?  

The pitfalls of denial.....

The Lenten season has already started, in fact it has almost been 3 weeks.  Being one of Catholic faith, Lent is a period of time that people are to reflect, pray and sacrifice something in remembrance of the sacrifices that Jesus Christ did for us so willingly.  It starts on Ash Wednesday and ends on Easter Sunday.  Everyone chooses something to give up.  To me, it is something I do to bring myself closer to my faith.  During this time, we also do not eat meat on Ash Wednesday and every Friday for this period until Easter comes.  Though, I do not claim that I am perfect, I try to follow the required practice.  Every faith does things differently, and I am okay with that, but this is what I happen to do every year.  Well, this year, I thought long and hard about what I am willing to give up for those 40 days, which, in all honesty is longer than that because I do count Sundays as opposed to what is stated as in the easiest terms of being called "free days" for the season and allow you to have what you gave up.  Call me "hard core", but I know that once I fall off the wagon, I stay off the wagon.

After long and hard thought, I gave up bread and pasta.  I figured it would be easier than giving up chocolate, but after the first few days, I realized that I placed myself on a challenge that makes giving up chocolate something as easy as a walk in the park compared to what bread and pasta does for a person.  Apparently, I did not think this through well enough, but as determined as I am, I took this challenge and is struggling silently just fine.  In hindsight, I figured that I needed to lose some weight and if I gave up bread, the weight should just fall off... HA!  Just trying to figure how to have a sandwich without bread has become a challenge because I really do not see having a PB & J on lettuce being really all that appealing.  Potatoes and rice have become my starch staples and after almost 3 weeks, I think I am starting to hate food... especially potatoes and rice.  I still like vegetables, but they are even getting a little mundane.

I do have to admit one thing....  When denied one thing for a while, a person tends to lean upon something else for balance.  Well, mine has been chocolate.  Since I did not deny myself that tasty tidbit, I am having it all the time.  Instead of filling up with bread, I am now filling up with chocolate.  Hmmm....  I don't see this being an even swap.  One candy bar has more calories than 2 slices of bread and one candy bar is way smaller than a sandwich...  I guess that is why when an alcoholic turns their back on alcohol, they become coffee addicts and when a smoker that quits smoking gains weight because they replaced their cigarette with food.  It is all about trying to balance things, but sadly, we tend to find a new vice to take over the one you gave up.  Realizing this just made it really clear about how I tend to sabotage my weight loss efforts.  I have zero ability to balance!!

But how does one find balance?

Well, that is a journey I need to face.  I need to figure out how to balance when I have apparently lost the ability.  Going from a chubby kid, to an borderline anorexic in high school, and back to a heavy adult.  It appears that I go from one extreme to the next.  I need to figure out how to do enough of one thing and enough of another.  This is going to be one interesting experiment.  I just hope I can figure it out before this being heavy thing takes over and that the only thing I will not be ashamed of is my shoe size.  DARN YOU magazines and TV and even that darn Barbie doll!!  I strive to look as good as you all portray and even though if Barbie was at full size, she would look like a freak, and that photos are retouched for magazines...  I want to look as good as all of you.  I don't see me becoming that perfect, but at least I can be close enough, right?  Now losing sight of why I made my sacrifice is really bothering me, but seeing how I manage to lack balance has shed a light that every person dieting can relate to.  Well, I have 27 more days to figure out how to balance and maybe lose a pound or two in the process.....  I sure hope so....  27 more days without bread and pasta is starting to look like an eternity.....

High Anxiety....

Feeling dizzy and weak...Breathing gets faster...Shaking and trembling...Mind is racing...Heart is racing...Fear sets in...Losing control........

That is what anxiety is all about.  It is the roller coaster ride that is not all that fun.

I was never one to have an anxiety issue, well, that is until almost 13 years ago.  It is something that does not come up in conversations.  In my youth, I was pretty much an adventure seeker.  Not a real crazy one that sought out things to defy death like free falling from a plane, or walking on a tightrope with no safety net underneath, but I did try to step out of the comfort zone here and there.  I guess you can call my level of adventure a controlled release of adrenaline; just enough thrill to make things interesting, but safe enough that I knew I would walk away unscathed.  I have my share of fears...  Everyone does.  It is different for everyone. I think there is only one fear that people handle differently, but we all fear it.....

It is death.

I recall hearing this one comment a long time ago, and it has a ring of truth to it....  "The moment we are conceived, we begin life.  The moment after we are born, we are beginning our descent into death."

Yep, pretty morbid thinking, but it is so true.  Nobody really ever knows when it is our time to "punch out" on this thing called life.  No matter how long you have, it is never long enough.  We will always feel that we never really finished what we were supposed to do.  I guess that is why I put too much effort in others... especially when it comes to my daughter.  I have a job that has been placed upon me and I want to do it right.

I have always wondered why I had my first panic attack well before DD was born.  As memory serves me, I do recall starting a new job a week before getting married, I had a sick German Shepherd at home, and of course, handling the final arrangements for the wedding alone since DH was only planning his part of "showing up".  I can only gather that the stress level I experienced was enough to push anyone over the edge.  Any normal person would believe that once everything settles down, there is no more anxiety to deal with.  When it comes to anxiety, it has no shut off switch.  Once it starts, it never stops, but there are times that it does fade into the back of your mind.  It is that constant reminder that we really have no control over everything.

The mind is such a complex thing.  It remembers experiences, random facts, people, things, places, and such. It also has the ability to affect thinking and feeling.  I guess the reason for my sharing this is because I am using this blog as a release of things.  A way to let loose the things trapped in my mind that either bother me or confine me; a way to keep my mind clear so I can keep that damn anxiety hidden way back in my mind; to release me from the shackles of fear and face life with faith that I am not alone.  Maybe become understood that much more.  To share that life is more than just challenges we face, but feelings we cannot deny.

I have battled anxiety for years and without medications, my fears have subsided, I embrace life, I have accepted the inevitable, and I have my faith to keep me going.

Thanks for reading :)

Just remember....  "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward, it is not a compliment to say it is brave."
~ Mark Twain

                                                                        And...

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'
You must do the thing you think you cannot do. "

~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Maybe I should quit....

Being the stubborn person that I tend to be, I realized that there needs to be a time to just throw my hands in the air and give up.  I try so hard to be as helpful as possible and no matter how hard I try, it falls on deaf ears.  Maybe I explain things too much to both DD and DH.   Maybe I have become too opinionated and I need to be more Fonzie-esque when talking to both of them, or anyone (come to think of it).

What I mean by being Fonzie-esque is this.....  Just a simple, little comment or sound that keeps me aloof from it all.  Only two shows portrayed that type of attitude...  Fonzie with his saying of "Aaaaa" with his thumbs up in the air on Happy Days and Steven Hyde with his "Whatever" spin on things on That 70's Show.  Both have totally different attitudes, but just using those two little catchphrases seem to have enough oomph to get pretty far.  Maybe I will add a few other little comments when it is needed that can very from... "sucks to be you", "well, that just bites", and "well, isn't that so special".

I can only assume that putting in more effort than those around you is a one-way ticket to being frustrated all the time.  I know that when I was in the 9-5 grind of being in an office, I got burnt out pretty fast doing the work of 3 or 4 others because I believed that hard work is what gets you to go far in life to only learn that being the hardest worker does not open doors for growth when your boss is one of the lazy ones holding you back.  Apparently, being over protective and taking responsibility to the next level only puts you in a bad place all the time because the ones in your care lack concern because someone else is already doing all the worrying for them.

It took me to get to this point in life to realize that I have become my mother.  That lovely woman, being so opinionated, so over protective, so strict and tough tried to teach me what life is about and to be informed about the different angles people tend to portray themselves.  There were times I remember feeling like I was being treated like a moron because I was basically denied to experience life my own way.  Basically, all she was trying to do was teach me how to live a better life compared to how she lived hers.  Well, isn't that what all parents try to do for their kids?  Guide them on the right path, avoid the pitfalls, do your best, and reach for the stars?  To be honest in a dishonest world?  To be trustworthy when there is reason to not trust others fully?  To be nice, but be able to have the courage and strength to stand up and fight for what is right?  To know how to balance being focused and serious to just having some fun?  I can only gather that understanding this as an adult is easier because as children, we tend to believe that our parents are just people that are "off their rocker" that much easier.  I can only gather that those first 11 years of DD's life was for me to lay the groundwork and only hope that she takes hold of what was said because I believe that my efforts now are a total waste of energy and are really draining me of what happiness I have left in me that keep me going.  My life is becoming unbalanced and it is about time I get a grip.

Quitting the effort is going to be scary.  Life as we knew it has changed.  People are not as generous, kind, honest, and caring as they were back in the day.  There are violent people out there.  Doors are locked at night, alarm systems are set, and all adults are on a constant state of alert about the dangers out there.  Rape, murder, robberies, and gangs have moved into the suburbs.  Jails are overcrowded, sexual predators and supposed non-violent offenders are given the ability to spend their time in their homes.  Released child predators and rapists have homes everywhere.  I know that there are some in my neighborhood, how about you?  Leopards do not change their spots, but they do find a way to blend in better.  Just hearing about things like that scare me to bits.

DD's recent lying spree really lowered my trust level, but I guess that trying so hard to protect her is just pushing her farther and farther away.  I wish I had a solution, but I don't.  Feeling torn, but knowing that rebellion is just a few years away, I can only hope that she is smart enough to be safe.  I just hope she knows that I will be there for her if she needs me, but I have to quit being the one that "does it all".

Learning curve, I think...

Blogging clears the mind... or so I have heard, but does it ease the fears???  Not sure about that one.....

I am going to try to make this as short as possible and maybe I can figure a solution.....

Today, DD went rollerskating with a friend.  I usually have no problem with letting her go hang out with friends and I believe that I can trust their parents enough that they are responsible enough to be there.  Especially when they are dealing with children under the age of 13.  After today's story from DD, I just don't know what to do.

Well, in the course of a little over an hour, DD managed to lose every penny she had managed to save since Christmas because I apparently do too much thinking for her and decided to let her take on a little responsibility. DD went to the roller rink with $50 and did not tell me that she was going to do that.  Apparently with no clue how much it was going to cost, she decided to take every penny she earned with her and placed it in her pocket.  After getting there, she paid to get in, rented her skates, and sat down to put her skates on and did not bother to put her money back into her pocket.  She set it on her chair, placed her shoes under the chair, and proceeded to go have fun.  Once she realized that she left her money on a chair (all $42 left of it), she went back to get it after a 20 minute skate around the rink to find it gone.  Well, I was not surprised that was going to happen.  I was just surprised that when I asked where her friend's mom was that took them there.  She was apparently sitting in her car in the parking lot and did not go in to watch the girls skate.  Gee, I might be completely wrong, but I would have figured that if you have children in your care, you would be actually in view of them at all times.  In fact, if she was in the building with them, she would have made sure that if DD left her money out in the open, she would have put it in a safe place so it would not have gotten lost.  I can only gather that she decided to give the girls a little independence and let them have fun without "mom" watching them like little children.

I guess it is called a "learning curve" ; an opportunity to prove to an adult that regardless that you are too young to drive or vote, can be responsible to be left alone for a short period of time.  Parents do this usually when the child becomes a teenager.  I would have figured that at the age of 13, they are ready to take on a little independence at the parent's discretion.  I just did not think that a parent watching a couple of 11 year old girls (and one of them is not hers) thinks it is a good idea to test that theory at a roller rink.  Not sure that I can trust this parent with my child again after hearing that they did not bother watching when it is intended that they are to be.  If she feels her child is responsible enough to be on her own at 11, does not necessarily mean that every child is that responsible.  My daughter is very bright, but apparently not bright enough to remember that she should have put her money back into her pocket.  Now, she is learning a costly lesson because I do not reimburse Christmas money that was mismanaged and/or lost while not in my care.  You see, I would have been there if I was to be the parent in charge.  I know that there are plenty of dishonest people out there that would take your last dollar and not care if it hurts you or not.  What disappoints me the most is that I thought I taught my daughter some common sense when it comes to things like this and if it was to happen, to go to the front office and at least ask if someone saw her money and turned it in.  Sadly, DD did not think about doing that and after she came home, she decided to tell me about losing $42 at the roller rink.  I grabbed the phone and called there to report her lost money, knowing that it is gone, I figured that there might be a chance that there are still some honest people out there and it was turned in.  Well, the rink is closed and I left a message anyway.  Maybe we will get a return call tomorrow that her money was found, but I am not holding my breath for that.

I just wonder if I really do too much thinking for my child.  I give DD some independence, but I always take responsibility for her to a fault.  Maybe my cynical nature puts me in protect mode all the time and when it comes to safety, I have a tendency to be a safety fanatic.  Honest to a fault is what makes me fear that DD has become too trusting of everyone because I am the "ball-breaker of a mother" to keep her safe and only allow her to be around kids with parents that are a lot like me.  Keeping her protected must have been the mistake I have been making because I don't let things get out of hand when it comes to her.  Since I apparently do all the thinking for her, I now have a child that is lacking common sense.  This scares me, but how can I just sit by and watch a person "hang themselves" by making mistakes that I clearly know could happen?  This just makes me sick to my stomach and I still have not called this other parent about my feelings and I think it will be better if I just don't.  I just have no clue how to get DD to realize that this is a learning curve and that worse things can happen if you do not remain focused at all times.  I can only pray that she remembers this costly lesson.

The Warden......

Respect:  In the dictionary, respect is a noun... Really?  Definition: 1) an aspect  2) consideration for someone , verb,  3) to have good opinion of, look up to.

I find it so interesting that as a parent, we tend to expect a little respect from our children.  We, as parents, do our best to have respect for our children and their feelings.  The days of spankings are no longer valid.  We are to put our children in "time out" and to discuss what is acceptable behavior and explain why they are being punished for not acceptable behavior.  We live in a day and age that places more in being gentle regardless of the treatment we receive from others.  Being PC is the thing...  calling things as it is is considered rude.  Common sense is out the window with warnings and precautions marked everywhere. 

What can we do when every attempt at educating our children falls on deaf ears?  

Is this gentler punishment that is considered the most effective really not effective at all?

Well, I can tell you all this.....  I thought I had a good kid on my hands.  I am a tough parent, but I am the only one that spends the most time with her.  DH works long hours and really has not made the time to be a parent to our daughter.  Most likely it is my fault.  I never demanded more help from him.  I am the full time parent and raising our child is my job.  Well, that and to do all the cooking and cleaning, too.  The only time I actually make DH spend quality time with her is on the weekends while I am off to work.  Yep, I have high hopes for this little one, but realized today that she is way too much like her father.  It is some defect in her DNA that makes her the class clown.  Playing is more important than school and her recent report card is definite proof that she just might not be college material.

Spring fever has hit my house.  DH is back driving his old VW Beetle with the top down, DD is really slacking off with her schoolwork and I am trying my hardest to keep DD on track with school.  I am on the verge of a major clean-out of my home and is feeling a bit overwhelmed by the amount of stuff my family has accumulated over the past year.

DD walked home today from school.  She was not ready to face my inquisition about school and her homework that is needed to be done.  In the past, I received notices about DD turning in her homework late or incomplete.  As I was informed at the beginning of the year by her teacher that each child is responsible to do their own homework and parents are to not be involved.  I was fine with that until the notices came pouring in.  DH and I decided to step up our game, took away privileges until the required school work is done to our satisfaction.  Well, that resulted in lies and hidden or forgotten homework.  As I ask her about school, I get vague answers and BS about not having any homework to do.  I found this odd since there is homework every day, so I look in her backpack.  Relieved that she did not lie about having homework, but quite upset that she did not turn in stuff she already did days ago.  I ask her "why" and I get attitude and a demand to go out and play.

I snapped.  I explained again the importance of school for probably the 1000th time and I see her eyes glaze over.  It suddenly hits me that those stories about DH not putting in effort in school hit me like a ton of bricks. She may look like me, but she is her father....  I realized that I have a long road ahead of me.  I asked her why she did not turn in her homework and I get a shrug and a "I don't know"....  well, that just pushed me over the edge.

For years, I believed that if you believe in another person and their abilities, they would keep trying and do their best.  Apparently I am wrong because she refuses to even try.  I have held the utmost respect for her and her space and she cannot give me a straight answer.  She decided to cop a major attitude and my hand took on a life of its own and gave her a slap across the face.  I feel just awful about it, but I can't take it back. I try to set an example by always reading something, and always trying to learn.  I tried to be even more involved with her school and all her extra curricular activities.  I know all her friends and their parents.  I have respected her fashion choices since I am the one buying her clothes.  I at least can take comfort that she does not dress like a hooker at 11, but now I am getting worried that she will find a way to slip that past me.  Somehow her attitude was a slap in my face and my hand decided to give her an eye-for-an-eye moment...  feel what I am feeling.  

I figured that I had a few more years before she was to have zero respect for me and what I say.  Now I know better.  I just wonder how DH is going to handle dealing with the school when she acts up again because I am DONE listening to the lies that she has been shelling out at me.  He needs to face the truth about her attitude and lack of interest in her school responsibilities.  I am just saddened that my good little girl that is really bright is hurting only herself by her actions.  As for me, I have turned into her worst nightmare.  The trust wagon has left and she is no longer trustworthy.  I thought I was doing the right thing all along by trusting her...  Now I get the nickname DH's father got...  I am now....  "The warden".

Who am I?

Have you ever wondered how to answer the question...  "who am I?"


I have wondered it for quite a while.  I guess that is why I felt compelled to blog.  There are some things people can relate to, other things are just my random thought process.  Sometimes I make sense of it all and others, I know it would make a person scratch their head in confusion.  I did enjoy writing short stories and poetry in my younger days.  I was told I had a real talent for that.  I just happened to have let that talent slip away for years and now I feel a bit at a loss of really getting it back.  I guess it is probably because who we are as a person changes.  In my youth, I thought I knew myself pretty well.  Now, as I am obviously older, I think I never really knew myself all that well.


You see, a majority of what we know about ourselves is all based on emotional reactions and our experiences.  We all tend to believe in something greater, we all have things we like and dislike about ourselves, and our reactions differ greatly to the world around us.  Upon meeting a person for the first time, we tend to make judgments and conclusions about a person.  Some call it "impressions", but in the grand scheme of it all, we are making judgments.  What one person sees as a flaw, others might see it as a characteristic that makes them different.  That ranges from appearance to intellect.  People tend to react to what they see and really miss out on some interesting and educational things in life.  The following two old sayings still ring true today.....


"Never judge a book by its cover".... and....  "What you see is not necessarily what you get."


Here are some things I have managed to learn about myself and felt like sharing.  If I sound confusing, it is because I am confused, too......


I am a giving soul.  I tend to go out of my way for people without expectations in return, but I do feel hurt when my efforts are unappreciated.  I am compassionate about others feelings, but tend to take things way too seriously.  I think about others before I think of myself.  I tend to embrace criticism more than compliments; I am my toughest critic.  I am not materialistic, but I do appreciate nice things.  At times, I seem brazen or bold, but I will fight for what I believe in.  I love challenges, but I am not a risk taker.  I love the simple things in life, but I am willing to take on complexities.  There are times I may seem like a loner, but those are the times I turn to introverted thinking.  I strive to be liked by all, but accept that not everyone likes me.  I tend to seem emotional, but that is my way of being honest with my feelings.  At times, I may seem tough, but it is my way to face my fears and insecurities.  I have been called names, but I do try accept that there is hatred and jealousy out there..  I have been called infantile, but I see it as fighting getting older.  I have been called stupid, but at least I am trying to learn.  I am not perfect, but I will never stop trying to be better than before.  I make mistakes and learn from them. Sometimes it takes me a few times to finally learn the lesson.  I am a chameleon, I relate to many and have plenty of friendships, but I am not popular.  I try to think of others feelings before speaking, but I can be really mean when I decide to let loose.  I desire to feel loved, but I am too proud or scared to ask.  I love the sun on my face and the wind in my hair.  I want to be completely carefree and wild, but still be safe.  I am a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a friend.  I am a good girl with a soft spot for being bad...  I guess that is why people tend to call me "trouble".


There is much more I need to learn.  Life is a journey and a worthwhile one.  It is all in how you look into it.....  Have a great day everyone :)

Twisted words...

Some people think about twisted words as nothing but selective interpretation of what is read or heard.  I can see that as being the case when people communicate.  It could be the written word, the spoken word, or even in really rare cases....  how a person acts.  Some people just have the knack of seeing only what they want to see and hearing only what they want to hear.  Their perception of things will always be the truth because that is how they feel about it and nobody can change their minds.  People fight for what is right because it is what they believe in.  Regardless of what happens, people will stand firm in their beliefs.

I have had quite a few cases of just that happening to me.  I thought I was just misunderstood, but it appears that my words get twisted into what people think they are hearing/seeing.  I am not sure if it is what these people feel about me; that they already decided who I am as a person and it is not something that they like, or they look at things in the same light as how they are feeling at that particular moment in time.  I believe that people try to relate in some shape or form to everyone they come in contact with.  Maybe I am completely wrong when it comes to the words I choose, because there are multiple meanings to words.  Look in a dictionary and pick a random word.  Even the dictionary gives you multiple meanings of a word, when it is not a noun.  At least there are some words that have really only one meaning, so I can feel comfort in knowing that all my words cannot be misconstrued.

When it comes to people that I think have those proverbial blinders on and see things only one way according to their own thought process which I believe is swayed by mood and preconceived belief, I actually feel sorry for them.  There will always be a misunderstanding, there will always be arguments, there will always be bitterness.  I guess that is why the First Amendment of the Constitution is one of the most argued things : Freedom of Speech.  Having freedom of speech does allow for freedom of interpretation.  

Think about this.....  You walk into a library.  There are hundreds of thousands of books there and all divided into different categories (Literature, Fiction, Non-Fiction, Reference, How-to, Self-help etc.), and in those rows and rows of books are options-a-plenty.  Each book is different because of the author's perception of the topic.  Lets say you are looking for a book about diets.  There are hundreds of them (possibly thousands) and after looking through a bunch of them, you choose the one that you agree with most.  It is not a bad thing, but it does show that people are more prone to choose what they want to read based on their agreement towards it.  A person's choice in what they read is based on what they like to read and not to expand their horizons intellectually.  I know that I fit in that category and I am not afraid to admit it that I tend to be a little biased.  What I enjoy reading is not necessarily what you like to read and vise versa.  

I guess the best example of how words twist into what you want them to be is in famous sayings that have been able to stand the test of time.  "If you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen", was made famous by President Truman.  The meaning can be about anything from actually being in a kitchen to something more obscure as a situation being faced.  It is how a person uses the phrase.  Simple words meaning something different because of feeling.  I guess that is why I try to explain myself.  I know that it is a futile attempt to get my point across, but it seems more and more prevalent that I become more and more misunderstood.  Sadly, the ones that lack understanding me the most are the ones that make it so hard to express myself without causing conflict.  I never stated that I am perfect, I have never stated that I know it all, but I am stating that I am trying to learn.  Maybe my sharing of thoughts and feelings is wrong in other's eyes, but in my heart, I am trying to become a better person by sharing who I am.

Fear and the control freak.....

Have you ever felt like you are the dog that gets a swat on the nose with the newspaper all the time?

I can say I have.

Have you ever had the fear of expressing yourself because of the ridicule you know you are going to get if you do?

I know I do.

Have you ever hurt from a barrage of name calling that consist of being called "stupid" or "immature" every time you open your mouth?

Happens all the time.

Do you try to hide your feelings by day and cry yourself to sleep at night when nobody can hear you or see you?

If I said "no", I would be lying.


Hi.  My name is Nancy and this is my blog about my thoughts and feelings.  Normally, I am a person who tries really hard to roll with the punches.  Life is to be a challenge and with a little faith and perseverance we all manage to live it to the best of our abilities.  I figured that I could share my thoughts through blogging; to take some time to have a little release of my feelings through writing; maybe share a poem or a short story.  I am open to other people's thoughts because nobody really thinks the same about everything.  I guess what I am not so thrilled about is criticism of character because I write about my feelings and my thoughts.  I thought we live in a free country and that we are entitled to think and feel any way we want to.  Opinions are just that... opinions and should be handled as such.  I guess it just gets hurtful when a person makes it their goal in life to belittle them because they feel superior over you.  Verbal abuse is wrong.  I should know because I have been dealing with it for years.  It all starts with a little hidden jab here and there, but eventually it grows into something that is just brutal.  Sadly, I am not one to tell a person that their little slams here and there are hurtful.  I try to be stronger than that.  I guess what I am getting at is that a person can only swallow down so much negativity thrown at them and eventually they need to take action.  As for me, I thought that blogging would be the release button on the pressure cooker of my soul.  Apparently, I am wrong again.  There are some people that I have placed high regard upon and every time I make a move, I get stern correction.

As I try to exist with people that feel it is necessary to keep knocking me down, I keep trying to pick myself up.  I try to even explain away the reason why people can be so bitter and mean.  I have love in my heart, but it hurts.  I am that dog that gets swatted on the nose with the newspaper.  I try to tread lightly so I do not get swatted again, but I guess I could never tread light enough for some.  I am losing the strength to keep this up so I need to walk away, but how can I do that?  Just like that loyal dog, there is love in my heart.  As that loyal dog keeps trying to change so they can be accepted, I guess I need to do the same.  You see, after years of verbal abuse trying to bury me alive, I am still breathing.  It is a struggle, but I try.  Every blog I share is my battle to fight the fear from the control freak.  Since I cannot please everyone, I need this release for me.  Love it or hate it, is all up to you.  Just respect me enough to understand me with my thoughts and feelings.

Just a few quotes I read today that moved me...

For the "haters" that criticize me at every turn:

If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, I guess you have a problem. 
                                                                     Richard Bach

If you treat man they way they are, you never improve them.  If you treat them the way you want them to be, you do.
                                            Johann Wolfgang  Von Goethe


And just a couple I happen to like:

If you limit your actions in life to things that nobody can find fault with, you will not do much!
                                                                     Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson)


If a person is to get the meaning of life, he must learn to like the facts about himself - ugly as they may seem to his sentimental vanity - before he can lay hold the truth behind the facts.
                                                                    Eugene O'Neill


Thank you for reading.....





                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Blood and water.....

As the saying goes...  Blood is thicker than water.  Well, in the scientific aspect is it true.  When it comes to the concept of family, well.....  it is all in how you see it.

Mixing of the two elements is just basically thinning things out.  Families become bigger when a marriage is in the mix of it all.  I guess that is where the line gets blurred.

Just recently, my family has taken a blow that I am not sure it is going to recover from.  Crying has been the only release... until now.  This blog is my release of it all and to make my thoughts clearer, so if this seems a bit long, I apologize in advance for it.

Secrets and contradictions are to blame for this latest drama that I call... my life.

My husband is a mechanic and happens to own his own garage.  He is quite brilliant when it comes to fixing cars.  When it comes to family, he tends to be more helpful than hurtful.  His character is built on being everyone's friend.  Sometimes it bothers me that everyone else gets help before I do, but I know that I would not want that aspect of him to change because that is where he and I are the same.  We are more generous to others than to ourselves.  I can only gather that our generosity is what makes us less than popular when nobody needs anything from us.  I guess our less than attractive attribute is that we listen and follow through with what people ask of us.

Here is where the contradiction and secrets part comes to play....  My husband's garage received a call from my brother.  My brother asked for an estimate for fixing his truck and stated that he wanted to be quoted as if he was a customer.  That means, quoting everything from parts to labor charges.  Well, the service rep that works for my husband was a little confused about the request and went to my husband to inform him about the request and to be completely clear about the intentions.  My husband was told that my brother wanted an estimate for repairs and that the estimate was to be made as if it was for a customer and not for a family member.  My husband told the service rep that he is to do the estimate as requested.  Well, quoting everything that included parts, labor charges and tax made the estimate seem really high.  I never said that my husband's shop was cheap, but they have not implemented a service charge increase in over 5 years, so they are not the cheapest, but not the most expensive either.  Well, that just started a snowball of complaints from my family and my mother put it upon herself to tell me all about it and stated that I was to not tell my husband what was said.  I am capable of keeping a secret, but I knew that the whole story was missing details so I decided to say nothing to my husband about it.  I figured that if there was a real problem, my brother would say something to him.  Well, much to my surprise, my husband comes home from work and decides to tell me that he knows that my mom had a talk with me about that estimate for my brother.  I turned pale when he confronted me because I was told that it was a secret and to not tell him...  I honored that promise and got slammed anyway...  nice, huh?  Well, needless to say, stories were told about the contradiction over the estimate.  My husband told me that if my brother wanted him to fix his truck, he would have done it on his own time and would only charge for parts plus tax and that the labor charges would not apply since he is family and he would do this on his own time. That is how my husband is when it comes to helping family.  He does stuff and does not charge them for the work, just the parts.  There have been a few times he even paid for the parts and asked for nothing in return.  Now, he is hurt that my family had a complaint and did not go directly to him, but decided to share their disappointment to other people which will eventually end up being heard by customers that will decide to stop going there for their repairs, thus killing his dream of having a successful garage.  My husband is brutally honest and hard working and thought he had enough respect that people can be honest with him, now he is not so sure anymore.  Basically, the whole concept of helping family that is not really his is over.  He decided it is better to be an ass for doing nothing as opposed to being helpful and getting slapped in the face for doing it.  He trusted that people were honest and forward with him, now he is not so sure and I can't blame him.

I just wonder why people tend to jump to conclusions and never get all the facts before ranting their issues if there were no issues to rant about in the first place.  This whole story was blown way out of proportion and fingers were pointed without all the facts.  I thought that when I heard about the estimate that it was done as if it was being done for a customer, but I was told that it was for family by my mom.  I tried to get more details, but I was stopped for even trying.  That is where I was a bit put off about it, but decided that it was best to say nothing and let this iron itself out, so keeping the promise to say nothing is real easy because I saw this as a disaster waiting to happen if I opened my mouth.  I guess I was wrong because I was slammed for keeping my mouth shut and was somehow blamed for opening it when it was obviously closed.

Now, I wonder who told my husband about the talk I had with my mother because I am the bad person in my own home.  Since I now know that it is all out in the open once I heard the secret that was told to me by one person being mentioned by another, I thought I could try to clear the air and be open about it all and maybe see if I can fix the damage that was placed upon my husband's reputation.  That turned out to be a complete and utter failure.  Now everyone is mad at me, people are fighting and threats were made that I know will be followed through on.  I sure hope my family is happy because they just did not hurt my husband, but they hurt me, too.

The contradiction connection.....

Yesterday's blog entry was about how people have the tendency to contradict themselves, for what I believe is their only way to constantly have a gripe over things.  Setting up a really good argument for doing, acting, or saying things a certain way is only half the battle.  Once you get someone to actually agree with that and following through without regrets is another.  Somehow, people have these grand ideas about how things are to be done, but once they see their requests being followed and it includes them in the mix, they are just not happy with the results.  Here is an example of contradictions that rub me the wrong way.....

A person tells me a secret and that nobody is to know about it.  Okay, I can keep a secret, but somehow I hear the same secret from another person about the same thing.  How is that possible?  I thought it was a secret to be kept to myself, but now someone else knows too?  What becomes even more annoying is that I get blamed for sharing the secret that I never shared in the first place.

Asking another person what they would like to do for the day is just one of those annoyances that feel like nails on a chalkboard to me.  When you ask a person what they would like to do or eat and you get a reply of, "you choose", is just a recipe of complaints-a-plenty.  I guess I cannot read minds and whatever I choose is going to be the wrong thing anyway.  I am no longer going to choose for another.  If they cannot make up their mind, well, that is their problem and not mine anymore.

How about this gem.....  I know I will be getting grief for mentioning names, so I won't, but this is where I get frustrated when it comes to sharing pictures, thoughts, ideas, jokes, or even feelings on a social site.  I was told that social sites like Facebook is just a breeding ground for danger at every turn.  I am to keep my family a secret.  My daughter is to not be posted in pictures because there are potential pedophiles stalking my wall, my husband does not want to be mentioned because if I say or show anything, it will be scrutinized.  I am given grief for showing that I happen to go out with friends (once a month) to a bar and actually have a beer.  I have gotten stern talks from people about sharing how I am feeling if it is the truth and even more stern talks about mentioning where I will be going at any given time because that just opens the door to potential dangers at every turn from being stalked to being robbed.  I do my best to oblige to their request to be more vague when I am on Facebook, but still get grief and yet get contradictory statements that I apparently was mistaken when I was told to act a certain way.  Only when it is in their best interests is when it is okay to break the rules.  Well, I just don't seem to get it... or maybe I do.

Maybe I am just an easy target for disapproval.  It could be that I prefer to respect others thoughts and feelings before my own.  Or is there a lot more people out there that have been so disappointed in life that they thrive on being miserable all the time no matter how hard I try to be reasonable?  I have heard about people being toxic, but never really thought that it would hit my circle of friends and family.  Maybe I am the toxic one....  I could be taking what I am told about proper decorum to the nth degree and I lack the ability to bend the rules from time to time.  People are entitled to change their minds, but does it have to be without changing in mid-thought?  Make a decision and stick with it, people.  Deal with the undesirable results by your decisions.  I am not a lawyer, I do not look for loopholes in the system of how to exist with various (and sometimes extreme) views of what is right and wrong in the eyes of others.  I think what I am really hoping for is a more honest existence without hidden agendas and contradictory rules.....

Just thinking out loud.....

Here is my thought of the day.....

MAKE UP YOUR MIND, PEOPLE!!!!

Why is it that the old saying, "You're damned if you do and you are damned if you don't", seem to apply to me way too often?

Somehow, I just cannot make anyone happy these days!!  Do this... Don't do that...  Contradictions left and right!!  It is either I say too much or not enough.  I have not yet found a happy medium with some people!!  WTF!!!

Why do people tell me that I am way too open with my thinking, but complain when I say nothing?

Why tell me that I need to be more discreet with sharing things, but pummel me with questions and complaints when I don't share?

Why be so indecisive when I ask you a question, but complain that my choice was not what you had in mind?

Is it possible that there are just some people that are wired to be constantly displeased?  I would really like to know....  If I complain that I am not feeling well, I get informed that nobody wants to heat about that, but I seem to see loads of people complain and nobody tells them to just put a happy face on and keep that to themselves?  How about the ones that tell you that social sites like Facebook is just a breeding ground for potential disaster and that you should never share anything because people will judge you unfavorably, but are the first ones to complain that you did not share?  I followed the rules given to me because I have respect of other people, but to tell me to not do something and then decide to complain that I am following your rules is giving me a headache!!

I just don't get it.....  Why change the rules when people finally start to follow them?  I guess I am just the only person that has a select few people that feel that it is imperative that I need to always be in the wrong, no matter how hard I try.

New motto in life's little game......

If you can't please everyone some of the time and you can't even please some of the people all the time.......  Well, go make yourself happy and leave me out of the equation!!


The village whipping child has left the building....  go find a new victim!!

OW OW OW OW OW.....

Why is it that as we get older, we tend to feel a bit more pain?  I have zero clue how I hurt my hip, or even how I am now prone to having migraines, but there you have it...  I am suffering both.  It has been almost a week of this agony and I think I have exhausted every known remedy for man to stop being in so much pain.  I would have thought that if you hurt in one place, hurting in another cancels out the first spot, but alas I am wrong or I am some kind of sensitive freak to hurt in two different places at one time.  Between Advil, ice, my heating pad, and extensive amounts of rest should have fixed this problem.  Between doing stretches and trying to remain mobile, I have not been able to get this darn hip pain to cease.

Tomorrow is gonna hurt, I just know it... sigh.  I am doing my volunteering stint for DD's martial arts school and my day is going to start off moving equipment from one location to another.  Nope, not light and airy stuff, but heavy and cumbersome things.  I am just more upset that I am going to do this with pain that I have not been able to manage for almost a week.  DH tells me to just blow tomorrow off... HA!  I am not a quitter!  I thought my visit to the Chiropractor on Monday would have fixed my issues, but being so flared up in my back, I asked that he paid attention to my back more than anywhere else.  I should have gotten the works.  I really am not up to going to the Chiropractor's office again.  DH thinks I am nuts to still go and volunteer, but that is what I am going to do.  I am not going to let some miserable pain stop me from following through with my promise.  Well, that and the fact that I enjoy volunteering for this every year.

Hobbling around my house like I am older than I really am is not fun.  I have too much to do today and I think that a stop to the drug store is in order.  If Advil is not easing the pain, then Aleve should.  As for the migraine, I will hope that the Aleve will help that, too (and a really cool pair of sunglasses to ease the light-sensitivity part).  I have to go into work today, so I better learn how to smile through the pain while I am on my feet on a hard and unforgiving floor.  I am going to win this battle!!  I am tough enough to handle this!!  I am determined to see this through!!  If not, I will at least look convincing enough to get through the next few days so that once Monday rolls around and DH and DD are out of the house, I can scream in agony and nobody can hear me...

Wish me luck or say a prayer that I make it through this weekend...  Thanks :)

The wall....

Jumbled thoughts

  create confusion.

A misunderstanding

  seeks resolution.

In the search for true love

  in a sea of lies.

One person's journey

  through innocent eyes.

Love,  such a strong emotion,
  but so fragile, all the same.
Every love that touches our life,
  is remembered with a name.

Each moment of heartbreak,
  marked with a small piece of stone.
The wall being built
  protection of the heart, oh how has it grown.

Years have passed
  the wall is ever stronger.
One loose brick
  and the wall is no longer.

       NW 3/3/2011

Is it really volunteering if I have fun doing it?

Every year, I volunteer myself to DD's Tae-kwon-do (aka TKD) school for their annual Samurang games.  Basically, it is a competition for the students of various schools that decide to join the competition.  Scoring is based on each participant's abilities.  There are various areas to compete in:  TKD forms (a set of various movements that consist of blocks, punches and kicks to showcase their abilities to memorize movements and to perform them with strength and confidence), Gumdo forms (same as TKD forms, except this is done with a sword), Sparring (for both TKD and Gumdo classes), and for fun...  Carnival events of various aspects of the art of both Gumdo and TKD such as kicking, breaking boards, cutting, etc.  It is quite a fast paced set of events with students that range from beginner all the way to advanced.  I actually enjoy the sport and if I had the money, I would take classes.  But alas, we only have enough money to send DD there, so I vicariously live and learn through her.

So, this Saturday, I will be at the games again.  Volunteering myself to set up/tear down and help wherever they need it.  I already took the day off from work and I am psyched!  DD is participating again this year and is competing in TKD forms and is going to do a few carnival events.  DH will be there to watch and maybe take some pictures for me since I will be busy doing things all day there.  I get to find out how DD ranks in her TKD form after the fact.  Probably a good thing I am too busy to watch because she has been a little lazy lately and is now feverishly practicing every night so she might be able to surpass getting the score of silver.  She is aiming for getting gold this year.  I hope she can, but I am just not sure.  I know she can do it, but she tends to get nervous when it is just her in front of hundreds of people and the judges.  If I was to watch, too, I think she would wimp out and not even try.  You see, I am her toughest critic because I can see the potential in her.  Well, that and if I was one of the judges, I would be the toughest judge to 'wow' to get a good score.  Putting in what is going to be my 4th year of this, I think I just might be qualified to be a judge, but I would prefer to leave that to the instructors that know this stuff forwards and backwards.  I just only know the forwards aspect of it all.  This is the last year she will participate as a color belt and will be a black belt once next year comes along.

Besides being helpful at a sporting event that I have interest in, I get the pleasure to work with some pretty amazing people.  I have met and joked with instructors of various schools and I have had some nice conversations with the director of the national TKD federation.  He is from Korea and has a really thick accent, but is really a funny guy once you get to know him.  The only thing I hope does not happen is being required to sing the National Anthem.  I have done it for the past few years because the Headmaster of the school DD goes to that is in charge of the event seems to forget his recording of the National Anthem.  I might sing Karaoke fine, but singing the National Anthem with everyone watching me and not singing along is a little nerve-racking.  It is a complete different experience singing in front of people without a beer to loosen up my vocal chords and a ton of background noise of a bar to calm me.  I can at least say with pride that I know I will not mess up the words like Christina Aguilera did for the Superbowl.

I just find it interesting that I have a lot of fun volunteering for this each year.  I am not sure how many more years I will be volunteering for this, but I know I will be happy to do this again and again as long as I can.

Life is short.....

The moment we were conceived, we were beginning life....  The moment we were born, we begin our journey towards death.  Pretty morbid thinking, I know, but it is true.  It is not something we really think about, the thought of "the end" is not something that consumes our day.  Well, there are a couple of instances that the thought does come to mind.  It can be because of depression, fear, or even extreme stress.  To clarify just a bit more, people who suffer from anxiety, depression, or the realization that there is never enough time due to age or current status of health.  We are all aware that as mortals, we are not immortal....  Nothing is meant to last forever.  It is such a sad thing to face when someone really special and important passes away.

For years, I had suffered anxiety.  It all started on my wedding day.  Probably should have been a sign to turn and run, but love makes a person ignore the weird little signs that might be seen as warning to slow down and really think things through.  Those anxiety attacks almost crippled me from ever leaving my home.  Going to work was such a struggle.  The fear of losing control, the fear of dying, and the fear of the unknown were the things that kept those attacks coming.  The doctor put me on a medication that helped ease my mind so I can function, but the feeling I got from them was awful.  I worked really hard to get myself off that stuff and to get control back in my life.  Fortunately, I was completely off the pills within 6 months of taking them.  Shortly after being free from taking those pills, I became pregnant with my daughter.  After she was born, the anxiety came back.  I have a child to think about and to make sure she is safe and prepared for what life is about.  I take my responsibilities seriously... very seriously.  Spending a majority of my energy to regain control in my mind, I suffer yet another blow.  Hearing about other people I know dying, having heart attacks and such put me right back to thinking that it could happen to me, too.  Fear started to creep back into my mind.  There was one person that reminded me that we are mortal, that our time is not decided by us, but from a higher force.  It was my dad.  He seemed to know me so well.  He knew just what to say to put things in a better perspective.  He was my rock when I felt I had no support.  One thing still rings in my ears to this day that my father told me....

"We need to remember that life is meant to be lived.  To embrace each and every day with purpose, because we never know when it is our time.  Some days may seem harder than others, but we are able to overcome life's challenges because everyone experiences the same thing from time to time and they made through it just fine.  If they can do it, so can we."

All of this came about because today would have been my Father's 90th birthday.  On July 20th, another milestone will be remembered...  It will be 10 years since he passed away.  As my daughter heard me talk about him this morning, she reminded me something that forces to make me smile.  She said, "Grandpa is in heaven, taking pictures of all of us.  He would want us to smile."  Pretty amazing that my daughter was only a mere baby at 1-1/2 years old when he passed away and remembers that my dad always had his camera and took loads of pictures.  Makes it hard to smile beyond the tears, but she is right.....