A real P.I.T.A!! Is it worth it?

Good afternoon!  With a daughter fighting a fever, I have a full day playing nursemaid and got a few minutes to share a recent experience and wonder...... is it really worth it?  So, lets begin....shall we?

DD gets her Christmas present early and is thrilled that we managed to get her a new cell phone.  Her old one is roughly 5 years old and obviously possessed with it turning on and off all by itself, so a new one was necessary.  Fortunately, I looked at the cell phone she mentioned she wanted and was happy to see that it was on sale.  Apparently, shopping on-line has its perks when you start shopping on what is called "Cyber Monday" because her phone was half the regular cost and accepted by the budget control manager, also known as DH.  Took roughly 4 days from placing the order to having it arrive at my doorstep.  With a quick call to Kajeet (the company we got DD's phone), I managed to get everything transferred from her old phone and into her new one.  Gotta really love a helpful company like Kajeet is.  If you never heard of the company.... you need to take a look at their site.  They are a cell phone company for kids.  The service provider is actually Sprint, but set up with complete parental control in mind.  Made me comfortable getting DD a cell phone.  Her package is reasonable (only $20/month for 150 minutes of talk and UNLIMITED texting), and I have options-a-plenty that range from GPS services to locate the phone if it is lost (or to check up on where my child is), to setting up limits to when she is allowed to actually use the phone beyond the emergency call to home or 9-1-1.  I can suspend the service without having to pay penalties and there are no contracts....  Completely ideal for parents that have kids that clutch to their cell phones as a sense of life support.  Well, after getting her new phone set up, she was thrilled to get it when she got home from school.  She is a pro with electronics and knows how the darn thing works.  As for me....  I am lucky to know how to send a text and how to place a call.

With DD's new phone being able to take a micro SD card to load music or store pictures.... she begged for a micro SD card.  I decided that it is painless for her to have one and let her get some music that we have downloaded in the computer to sync to this mini card so now her phone is also a music player.... oh joy!  Well, curiosity killed the cat and I wondered of my mini SD card could load some music to it.  Needless to say....  I ended up calling tech support for Windows 8 in trying to figure out why I could not sync my little card and ended up having more stuff changed on my computer than I care to admit.  The smallest of request took an hour and they still could not figure out a solution.  With half of my start up commands gone that I did not want to lose in the first place, I got the tech person to forward my request to his boss and I have to wait for a call from him later today when he has the time to look up my problem and figure a solution to call me back with.  All I did was shake my head in utter frustration and agreed to a return call later.  Upon hanging up, I tried again by flipping a little tab on my SD card and tried to sync one more time.  Well, slap me silly and call me Sally, I got it to work.... Yep, this computer moron figured it out.  Now, sadly, the other issues this tech person tried to fix are messed up beyond recognition and I have no clue how to fix it, but I have managed to find an extremely intense set of commands and clicks to get to the places I need to be.... it is a real (P)ain (i)n (t)he (a)ss (known as P.I.T.A), but at least I can somewhat function with my computer again. What really frustrates me is that I no longer have the convenience of getting to my usual sites with one click.  I kind-of had it before I had this hack mess it up.  What was once slightly easier, is now a thorn in my side.

So..... this is where I am thinking if it is really all worth it.... calling for technical support from a person that has difficulty speaking the English language clearly and have a simple request turn into a 2 hour fiasco on the phone that results in destroying all that I accomplished over the past month with this new running system.  I hate to say it, but while Windows 8 is nice, I think Windows 7 was far easier to navigate.  Now, I have to figure how to fix my browser page.... that is even more messed up than before.  Sigh.... lesson learned.

Just not "feeling it".....

Thanksgiving came and went.  According to tradition's sake, I usually spend "Black Friday" at home, putting up the Christmas tree and the Christmas decorations.  Not this year.....  It is already past Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and whatever-they-call-it Monday when internet sales start.  Yep, it is Tuesday, just an ordinary day and I am fighting an internal battle with myself to go crawl into the crawlspace and pull out the Christmas stuff.  DH refused to put out the lights outside and the lawn decorations are staying locked in the shed again this year.  Between the financial pinch we are feeling and the annual vandal smack-down our lawn decorations get.... we are just not "feeling" the holiday spirit.  I really wish it could be different, but there you have it.....  the warm and fuzzy feeling for the holidays is gone.

As I sit here and ponder how much festive decorating I will try to accomplish, I have other dreadful things to do today.  I have to send out the annual e-mail blast of what DD's Christmas wish list is this year since nobody in both sides of my family have the motivation to just call and ask me.  Well, my mom and brother asked DD when they saw her at Thanksgiving.  My in-laws only call DH when I am not home for work and just recently, DH is getting a little miffed at the notion that he has to play middle man in sharing DD's Christmas list requests.  His tone this morning tells me that he has gotten a few calls while he is at work about this.  Apparently, I am not worth the energy to speak to from them.  Once I compile the list of the usual stuff (she prefers gift cards from Old Navy, DSW shoes, Rhapsody and this one place called Game Stop), a few simple clicks later... I will have that task done.  Then I need to focus on the regular housework of cooking, cleaning and laundry.  I sadly, took a weekend sabbatical from cleaning and my house looks like a bomb testing arena with garbage, dishes, and dirt clothes everywhere.

With all this in mind, I managed to wake up this morning feeling nauseous and a back spasm that put my back in a strange twist which makes me look like Quasimodo, the bell ringer of Notre-Dame.  My hair is a wreck and no makeup on my face.... "EEK!"  is all I can say when I looked in the mirror.  Yep, looks like a perfect day to go crawling under the house to grab the festive decorations for Christmas.

Just as I thought I mustered the determination to face this recently dreaded activity, DD comes barreling into the room and tells me that she missed the bus and needs a ride to school.  Oh great!  I look like death and now I get to grab my coat and drive in public looking like this!  Oh well, the day could not get any worse, so I popped a couple of Advil, grabbed my coat, keys and purse and off we went.  As the frozen seat eased the agonizing pain in my back, I got DD to school right when her bus pulls up in front of the school.....  ahhhh, saved by the bell!  I do not have to enter the building to sign her in looking like this :)!  With a smile and well wishes for her to have a good day, I stopped at McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich and a diet coke (to save me even more dishes to wash), I finally head home.

My procrastination skills are in peak form since I still have not reached the level of interest to crawling around in the crawlspace for the decorations, I still have not sent the e-mail list to the in-laws or my sisters, and I still have no motivation to clean up after the clutter-bug typhoon that hit this past weekend.  At least I am fed and watered, but still nauseous and sore, but I have been dealing with the nausea for almost a week now.  Darn pills make me sick!  Just one more day of that stuff and I get to wait 10 more days to see if I am physically back on track.  If not....  well, DH gets to deal with hearing me whine about seeing the doctor.  Just not in the mood for that!  I don't think I am ever in the mood to see the doctor.  What they charge to grasp at straws is not really something I need to deal with.  While DH may seem reasonable about doctor bills, I just know that he is literally seething with anger that I am yet again spending money we do not have to spare.  At least I got DD's Christmas gift... a new cell phone.  It was on sale and I got the authorization from the checkbook holder, lovingly called DH, and got that out of the way yesterday.  Now I have a nephew to get a gift for since he is still considered a kid and ship that off to Colorado.  No surprise there.... he is getting a gift card.  Shipping an actual thing bigger than a gift card costs about the same as the gift I would have purchased for him.  Far more reasonable to spend the 49 cents than $30 to UPS for shipping.

Yep, gotta stop dragging my heels.....  I really need to stop dragging my heels.....  Okay, I am ready to get this day going.....  once I get my stomach to settle and my back to stop having waves of a spasm.....  That means I might be ready in a couple more weeks....  OH HECK!!!  As Nike advertises their product....  I just gotta "do it".  Have a good one everybody.  I hope that the Christmas spirit makes its appearance in my life and is firmly planted in yours.....

Games people play.....

Why, oh why do people play games?  No, I do not mean board games or video games....  what I am talking about is the mind games people take such pride in playing.  While most of these games that people play is really a desire for drama to ensue.... I see it as a ploy for attention.  Let me explain a few findings that I see ending up with the same conclusion.....  getting attention.

Lets start off with the players of the game.  Nobody is immune to the destruction.  Here are the ones I have managed to give names to.  Well, some of it is just common knowledge, you know....

The back stabber:  The sliest of creatures.  They are your friend to your face, but will shoot you in the back once your back is turned.

The drama queen:  The most tightly wound person you will ever come across.  No small situations to get upset about here....  everything is cause for overreaction and assumption.  They are capable of creating drama and eluding blame.

The toxic commentator:  As the drama queen makes the smallest grain of sand into a mountain, this person just oozes negativity.  Nothing is ever good enough, they have plenty of opinion, but no ability to try to change the situation for the better.

The nitpicker:  This special breed of personality is one that grates on any level-headed person's nerves.  While the toxic commentator oozes the negativity, the nitpicker is one to dissect a situation and claim that regardless where others are wrong..... only they know what is right and is not afraid of telling people their faults.

The worry-wart:  This person lacks focus on the big picture and only is short-sighted.  Their concern is getting the 4-1-1 on when (and who) the next shoe is going to drop.  Never focusing on trying to avoid the other shoe from dropping....  just wanting fair warning to what is going to happen next.

The drama duck:  This person does everything in their power to avoid drama at all costs and in fact lets drama roll off their back like water to a duck's backside.  This person is not completely immune to the drama that unfolds around them, but does their best to not get wrapped up in the hype.

The ostrich:  This person is so non-confrontational that they would rather bury their head in the sand than taking a stand.  The moment that tempers flare.... they are running far and fast.

The prince/princess:  This is probably one of the most annoying of the bunch.  Demands to be the center of attention at all times and when this person is not getting what they want or demand.... they stomp, pout, and complain.  They feel that they are entitled to be given everything and does not care who they step on to get what they want.  Some people can see them as being the squeakiest wheel in any situation.  Sometimes seen as a social climber with cleats.

The sponge:  This person really does not need too much explanation, but to highlight this person's ability to absorb commentary from all sides and does nothing until that fateful day they get squeezed.  When that happens.....  Whoa Nelly!!

and finally.....

The bi-polar express:  This person plays a very erratic game.  They are a balanced mix of all of the above and can sling stones to glass houses without getting the blame.  Depending on the situation, they can flip from tattle-tale to secret keeper.  It is in how it benefits them.  An obviously short-term or selective memory for this special person.  They have a really good bead on playing a game to benefit just themselves while creating havoc in their wake.  Has potential to be accused, but finds the ultimate loophole to weasel out of any sticky situation.  They always win and you always lose.....  The ultimate in drawing the line in the sand and then blurring it to their benefit.

Now, in any situation where there are a large group of people, you will find one or more than one of those people in the mix.  All it takes is for one person to throw the gossip or complaint bone and most people attack it with the fervor of a pack of rabid dogs.  All they need is a victim to attach the gossip to and it is.... game on!  What can start off as a small annoyance or minor injustice and all hell breaks loose.  What starts off looking like a feast on a victim turns into a fight to the death for getting to the coveted top of the food chain.

While some games are short run situations, it is the long game that tests the will of everyone involved.  Resentment and lack of respect take center stage.  Not one person will take the fall, as well as not one person rising above it all.  As there are toxic people, there are toxic situations and everyone is at risk.  Quite an unhealthy situation, but alliances are formed in some places and pity is placed in some situations.  The desire to stick it out overcomes the desire to high tail it out because nobody knows if the grass is actually gonna be greener elsewhere and it becomes easier to be complacent than to rock the boat.

So tell me.....  if everyone is willing to work on making the situation livable, then why do we need to play games in the first place?

As I said before, chances are there are for more game players out there.  These are the ones I managed to highlight today.  Now, being aware of these personality flaws/game player attributes.....  would you be willing to do everything necessary to change if it is to benefit the greater good?

The timing really sucks!

Grrr!!  I absolutely hate being an overly bloated bag of mood-swinging female!  Getting old really bites, you know.....  I am not menopausal, but I have been feeling like I should be.  A couple of years ago, or so, I started blogging because I was an emotional basket case and thought that stress was making me a depressed person.  Emotional beyond words, I took the initiative to see the doctor and find out that a woman my age will hit a point in life that we become less 'regular' when it comes to the monthly curse that sends men for the hills and boosts the sales of the tampon/sanitary pad companies.  Midol comes to mind when trying to battle the irritable tendencies that PMS brings on.  Heck, that little water pill laced with Tylenol should be the cure, right?  WRONG!  It is the arrival of that god forsaken curse every woman goes through (like clockwork), every month that begins the healing process of the misery and once it is over.... we are back to normal, happy people.

I used to be able to set a clock to the exact moment that my body gets relief.  I had my cycle pegged down to the exact day it is to come and trust me.....  I was predictably accurate.  DH knew when to fake sleeping to avoid confrontations and when he can resume back to his normal annoying antics.

I was told by my gynecologist that when women get a certain age.... their bodies change.  As like passing an egg through a Fallopian Tube, there will come a time a woman will pass a dud.  Kind of like having a bag of fireworks and having one not be able to fire off.  I still chuckle at that analogy my gynecologist gave me roughly two years ago when I my monthly cycle did not arrive as scheduled.  After extensive tests to check hormonal levels and to see if I could be pregnant, I was put on a week of pills to induce that cycle that should have come naturally.  If I ignored it.... I would have been at an increased risk of ovarian cancer.  Fortunately, I pay too much attention to details and kept even better records of my week of misery to ignore such a thing.  Looking back, I was a bloated bag of mood swings, like I am now.  At least this time, I am aware of the dud passing scenario and called the gynecologist yesterday.... armed with all the information they needed.  I followed protocol with taking a home pregnancy test (of which I knew it would give me a negative result), and get the okay for another round of pills.  Two times in almost three years really is not all that bad, right?  HA!  This yet again backed up cycle has been no walk in the park.  I am seriously considering having yet another pleading talk with the doctor to just rip this stuff out!  I am not really using it, you know.  I am done with having having children.  I gave birth to one and I live with two.  Kudos to those women that have more than one child to contend with....  I just could not do it.  Sadly, DD is growing up way faster than she should be and DH is reverting back to his childhood at the same rate.

While I have embraced the notion that I am prone to go through this, I just would have wished for it to happen at a completely different time of the year.  The holidays are here and I get to celebrate them with medically induced cramps and nausea.  Oh joy!  Food repulses me right now, I am bloated beyond my comfort zone, and I am an emotional nut-job to boot!  Yep, a real good time to have this happen to me.....  NOT!  I have no doubt that my guests tomorrow will feel a pang of guilt that I am determined to follow through with my holiday plans while looking like a train wreck.  Trust me.... the holiday spirit is there.  It is just buried under discomfort that a pound of makeup will be hiding the green tinge my skin is taking on.  I hope that they will understand when I barely touch my food tomorrow that it is not them....  I am just feeling fat, gross and emotionally unstable.  Just do me one favor (since I know that they read my blog)......  Just smile, be happy and really fill up on all the stuff I am making for our Thanksgiving feast.  If I hear even an inkling of guilt come from your lips....  I cannot guarantee my reaction to be easily understood.  In my eyes.... family comes first....  the rest I can deal with later after everyone leaves.

May Thanksgiving be filled with good food, family, and happy memories!!!
Thanks for reading!  

How dare you put words in my mouth!!!!!

It is late in the evening.  DH has gone to bed.  I set down my book and my eyes are feeling heavy.  While considering making the journey to bed from the couch, DD comes into the room.  She feels it is time to talk about something and from the look on her face.... she is excited.  As she mumbles and sputters sentence fragments, she proceeds to tell me....

DD:  "MOM!  The coolest thing just happened!!  Three of my favorite groups are following me...  THREE!  Isn't that soooooo cool?"

Me:  "Huh?  What do you mean that you have people 'following' you?  What are you talking about?"

DD:  "Three of my favorite groups are following me on Twitter..."  (Finishing the sentence with a flourish of her hand)

Me:  "TWITTER?  When did you join Twitter, of all places?  I never recalled giving you permission to get a Twitter account.  Obviously, you needed an e-mail address to get an account and I did not get an e-mail notification that you opened an account.... so....  what e-mail address did you use?"

DD:  (Looking at her feet) "I joined an hour ago and you know I do not have an e-mail account of my own...  I used your e-mail account address to get a Twitter account."

Me:  "Did it ever cross your mind to ask me for permission?  Doesn't Twitter have an age requirement to join?  Did you give false information to join?  Oh my God!!!  What information did you put out there?!?!?  Did you think for once that I just might have told you to not join this social site?  Or did you figure I did not need to know until after the damage was done?  Haven't all of our long discussions about joining sites without my knowledge is a risky thing to do?  There are a lot of crazy people out there and you are obviously not mature enough to handle those risks.  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!!!!  Oh, thats right.... YOU WERE NOT THINKING!!  Why must you do things well beyond your age?  Can't you just be happy being a kid?"

DD:  "I did ask you for permission, but all you could say was 'what?' and after asking you twice, I decided there was no harm in joining.  My friend has a Twitter account and she is my age..."

Me:  "NO HARM?!?!?!  You knew I would have said 'no' and you made this decision on your own.  Apparently, the trust you earned over the past two years from the last thing you did behind my back with that anime chat room that has no safety measures meant nothing to you!  Heck, I tried to be reasonable about the Skype account you opened behind my back just last week.  At least you only chat with your friends with that and I felt I could be reasonable, but now this????  Twitter???  How am I ever going to trust you ever again??  Now, refresh my memory.... when in pray-tel did you ask me permission for this?"

DD:  "When I was in the car with you after you treated me and my friends to lunch and video games after I cleaned my room.  I asked while we were on our way back to the house."

Me:  "I was driving, right?"

DD:  "Yes."

Me:  "Was I looking at you?  Was I in the position to discuss this?  You know, I do happen to pay attention to driving and not all that much to you and your friends speed-talking a bunch of random stuff like you do.  When it comes down to asking for permission for things, you know I want to be sitting with you, face-to-face and really discuss this.... no distractions...  just you and me talking.  I see that as being respectful and being serious about getting permission."

DD:  "Well..... no, you were not looking at me.  I just figured you were listening and that it was okay, but you kept saying 'what?', and I figured you were just joking around so I made the assumption (yes, she used the word assumption) that I could.  Jeeze mom, you never seem to make the time to listen to anything I say.  It hurts my feelings that when I want to talk, you are not listening.  I swear, you just do not care about me."

Me:  "  I do listen and I do care, but when you decide you have to talk, you do this without fully explaining anything.  You just jump in half-way in a thought and assume I know what you are talking about.  Half of the time, what you do decide to talk to me about is what cool thing you found on YouTube or what new character you created on the Wii or your Nintendo DS...  not real important.  You have asked for permission for things before, but only after you already agreed to it before asking me, like if you can sleep over at a friend's house or if a friend can come over.  It puts me in a tough spot and I do my best to be reasonable, but I believed you knew better about things like this, DD, and joining anything on the internet needs more effort from you to actually have a discussion with me.  Never, in my dizziest of days, would I think you would just go and do something like this behind my back!  I am saddened to say, but I can no longer trust you and your judgement.  I am furious and disappointed with you!"

DD:  " I just don't get it, mom....  My friend has a Facebook account, a Twitter account, and Skype.... Why can't I?"

Me:  "Well, sweetheart, it is because I care far too much for your safety.  I do not care what your friends are allowed to have.... you are my responsibility and I am doing the best that I can.  I may not be as free in letting you take risks like your friend's parents and you need to respect me for that.  I am not your friend.... I am your mother!"

DD:  "You don't care about me!  We rarely talk and when I do... you look frustrated and not interested in what I have to say."

Me:  "HOW DARE YOU PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH BY SAYING SUCH A THING!!!  I DO care about you, and I DO look out for your best interests, and I DO listen... when you actually try to focus on having a discussion with me and not when you sputter out random crap that does not make sense!  Don't you dare play that teenage drama queen martyr card with me!  I am not buying it and I refuse to let you put words in my mouth that I have never spoken!  You hide in your room all day and rarely make an effort, so do not place the blame on my shoulders.  I try to respect your space and be reasonable, but apparently, that is not enough for you and you think you are mature enough to make some serious decisions.  How old do you think you are?  Are you 18 and able to vote?  Do you happen to pay the bills here?  Do you have a job?"

DD:  "I am only 12, mom, and no, I cannot vote, I do not have a job and I do not pay the bills here, but I can make decisions by myself.  You don't know me and you never tried.  I did not give out any personal information and Twitter does not ask your age or anything personal to join.  I would never tell anyone anything personal.  That, you told me is what makes the internet or life in general dangerous.  If you would just take the time to listen to me, you would not be so mad."

Me:  "Oh, sweetheart, you have not seen my full capabilities at being mad.  I am beyond mad and it is late, but I am going to tell you this....  Welcome to Hell, little girl.... you asked and I deliver!  That laptop that was my anniversary present from your father is now going to be in my possession again.  You want a computer?  Buy your own because I am not sharing anymore!  That freedom that you thought you earned is gone.  You are now going to be attached to my hip with no entertainment or internet for the rest of the week that you are off from school and I have plenty of errands to run tomorrow (meaning today), so go to bed and be ready early for a day with me.  Sheesh!  I have not even fully embraced the notion you have a boyfriend and you go and really jump over the line!  (shaking my head)  Just when I was starting to trust you again... you blow that to smithereens...  I hope you are proud of yourself..."

UGH!  I am sick to my stomach over this....  I hate being this way, but I have no choice....  Well, off to have yet another full day of talking with my daughter while I take her on my errands of the day.  I am having serious doubts that I can speak rationally with her anymore if I have to go over the same discussion over and over and over again.  Dear God, give me the strength to keep trying my best when it comes to her...  I just do not know if I have any more patience left.....

First lesson of the day for this child of mine.....  To understand that maturity is not an age thing, but having the ability to work within the limitations set in front of you.  Maturity is something reflected in actions, thought, and consideration of others.  Trust and respect are earned and not something you are entitled to.  All it takes is for one poor judgement call and the risk is far greater than the supposed reward you think you are getting.

Socially inept....

I have a love/hate relationship with my Facebook account!  Chances are, I am not the only one that feels the same.  You see, I love the concept of keeping in touch with friends, but I really have no talent in being actually social on a social site.  I mean, I can say "hi" and "here's to hoping everyone has a great day", heck I can even embellish the specific day to reflect the certain holiday like New Years, Valentines Day, Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Oh heck, I can even embellish on saying "happy arbor day... now, go hug a tree!", if the mood moves me for those less than celebrated holidays.  I can be quirky, but not when it comes to typing something I think could be seen as funny.  When it comes to being "laugh out loud" funny...  it is a total crap shoot.  I can't tell a story about something without turning it into some long-winded account that requires me to blog about it so I can share a simple thought.  I realized that I lack the rep of being a sarcastic, crude, funny, nice, lovable, or as one friend acclaimed the status of being called "evil".  I am just.... me, and I really do not know anymore what that really is.  When I manage to post something, I realize that I look at it with an even more scrutinizing eye so that I do not get the dreaded phone call from my family about how I am socializing completely wrong and putting too much information out there for people to misconstrue.

I recall a time when I made a small complaint about having poor time management skills around Thanksgiving a few years back and ended up in a comment battle with my sister-in-law.  She thought I was complaining about my husband (her brother) on a public forum where he could not defend himself.  While I pointed out endless times that I said nothing in reference to my husband and that my comment is about my inability to get my list of things to do done in a timely manner....  I was labeled the bad buy.  Heck, my sister-in-law unfriended me and refused to be in the same room with me when we saw each other over the Christmas gathering at my in-law's house.  In all honesty, I really did not care all that much that she decided to shun me, but she did act in such a way that made me feel quite strongly to punch her in her smug face for being a drama queen.  Oh needless to say....  I know that people are prone to misunderstand what I put out there, so I spend a fair amount of time censoring and re-thinking everything I plan to share.  Heck, it is a strain to figure how to share what I just did share in this blog.  Yep, I am verbally stunted because of the ramifications of what I do, what I think and how I should feel.

Well, back to my love/hate situation.....  As I said before....  I love staying connected with friends, I hate being unable to share without being understood.  There is one other thing that I have come to the conclusion on.....  Facebook has become high school again.  The cliques at how people interact with one another.  I was never one to be in a clique in high school.  I had friends in every group out there.... from geeks/nerds to jocks to the party crew....  I knew a lot of people.  I was never categorized into one group because of my diversified selection of friends.  I was never the center of attention, but I was not hidden in the shadows either.  What bothered me back then was how the attention was spread.  You were either the center of attention or you were a loner; an outcast.  What was in between (like myself), was the elusive space in between....  memorable, but easily forgettable.  While I had it in me to push my way to at least try to be one of the more popular kids in school, my shy nature held me back and had me harbor ill feelings towards those that always were the center of attention.... you know.... the ones that everyone knew and you were not considered worthy to collect the dust in their wake.  Yep, the ones that everyone wanted to be friends with, but got shunned if you did not fit into their world.... this is where social sites, like Facebook, happen to highlight again regardless of the years past.  Well, except it is not really shunning, but feeling like you are invisible on the site.

I know that my friends are not like that, but it does come to mind when a person shares a feeling or thought and nobody comments on it.  It is probably because of how it is taken by the person reading the posting.  Either it comes off as bragging, complaining, or shoving a belief down the throats of everyone who sees it.  The quirky statuses that I have seen even leave me speechless about what to say, so I say nothing.  It is not being mean, it is just not bothering with typing the word "speechless" because of being unsure how to react to it.  I have been on the receiving end of some people that take what I share in a completely different way than I had intended.  That brings on reactions that were not even considered before pressing "send".  I can only gather that I am too afraid to really speak my mind because I would get someone angry.  I get enough fighting and the silent treatment at home, thank you, and I really do not want to burn the bridges that I have built a second time because I cannot be the constant social butterfly.  I just do not know what to do about it and it frustrates me to no end.  I really do not want to be the one clamoring for the coveted spotlight to be the center of attention, but I do not want to come off as a social repellent either.  I am too honest with my feelings and believe me.....  my life is not all rainbows and unicorns.  Really, who needs to be hearing the less than blissfully upbeat life that is mine and mine alone?  Sure, I can share deep thought about what happens around me, I can share my real feelings in a blog, but I really do not know where to stand when it comes to sharing.  I do not want pity for my shortcomings, but I do not want to rub it into everyone's face when something good comes my way, either.

So answer me this.....  what is acceptable to share these days?  Do I remain honest and guarded?  Or do I lie to everyone?  Do I need to share all the places I go?  Or do I share the more interesting things I happen to do?  I can tell people where I went to lunch or dinner, but saying I am eating in my kitchen is a bit boring, don't you think?  Or how I have completed the laundry for the week when everyone knows that next week I will be doing the same thing again?  I do not photograph well and taking my own picture of myself almost seems a bit egotistical if I do that all the time.  Especially since in my line of work, I am known to change my hair from time to time.  I happen to live a very quiet existence in my house with random moments of excitement, but what I consider exciting is far from thrilling in the eyes of others.  I read too many books to share my thoughts on every one of them, but I know that regardless of the genre that I am currently hooked into is not something that interests everyone, so why talk about it?  I can only gather that the reason that DH has nothing to say to me is because we really have nothing new to say.... we have no adventures to take, and our interests have changed.  I want to explore thought and feelings and he would rather sleep on the couch.  Of course, when he does decide to share feelings.... it is the anger that he has bottled up needing release and I am the apparently perfect candidate to taking the slings and arrows to have a nice, long span of time that I get the cold shoulder and silent treatment.  I just do not know anymore....  I am feeling that I need to stop trying to share because there are times I feel even more alone sharing than I do when I am actually alone.....  So there you have it.... a gray mood to match the gray looking day that I see from my window.....

Just thinking.... again....

Good morning/afternoon (depends on when I decide to share AND when you decide to read)....

With all of this reading that I have been doing lately, I have been dreaming of a vacation, of sorts, that I never thought I had considered.  Sadly, not every place I thought of consisted of raging excitement for my family, but has managed to peak my interest just a little.  While everyone dreams of the ultimate vacation to exotic places like the tropical climates of Aruba to the more adventurous locations like Australia, I have been thinking along some very different lines....  I have no clue where this thinking has come from, except for the heartwarming books I have immersed myself into, but I want to go to some little, unknown town somewhere, in fact anywhere, in Texas.  You know, a place where strangers to the town welcome you with open arms and fierce friends come quickly.  I want to walk into a small town bar in jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat to listen to a local band play their songs while I sit at the bar with a cold beer in my hand.  No crazy hustle and bustle surrounding me, just laid-back folks having a good time.

I remember, as a kid, I always had some strong attachment to country music, cowboy gear and wide, open spaces.  For a while, I openly admitted that I was country when country wasn't cool and I enjoyed my eclectic taste in music, but I always enjoyed the sounds of some classic country music in the style of such artists like Patsy Cline, Merle Haggard, The Bellamy Brothers, and such.  Believe me, I still enjoy some country music from time to time, but sadly, the more current artists are more contemporary than classic grass-roots stuff I enjoyed.  Garth Brooks comes to mind....  one of the many that managed to snag the appreciation from both Country as well as Pop culture.  No complaints about his abilities to sing... he does have a voice that manages to get a girl like me to drift off into la-la land.  I know that I have always been a sucker for a southern drawl and the gentlemanly acts of a well-taught-from-his-mama cowboy.  I still have a sigh in my voice when I think about the few southern gentlemen that I did manage to date for a very short while.  Sadly, suburban life was never for them and I was a little too unsure of myself to go running off to live the country life without the assurance of a ring on my finger as a guarantee that I was wanted to be there.  Heck, my early 20's were drama filled enough that I would run away before I saw anything through to the end.  I also knew that life offered no guarantees that I could even make it in a town that small and I had some pretty big dreams that could not be contained.  I was restless and I knew it.  Little did I know.... that once I settled down, I really settled down.  I am no longer the risk taker, no matter how lacking it was in others eyes, once I took the plunge into married life.  Yep, my wild oats were sown and all that is left is the tame and quiet person people see today.  That gets me thinking that I probably was made to be a really good fit in the laid-back south, but never bothered trying.... oh well, too late now.  All I can hope for is a chance for a vacation to one of those places and feel what I am apparently missing in my life.

I do find it interesting that even though DD is not a fan of country music, nor has the interest of ever going to some small town in Texas or wherever that still holds the local slang to a southern drawl...  I do see her being a fit in those places, too.  That small community where everyone knows everyone and gossip spreads like wildfire.  Just one of those places that waves and kind gestures are second nature like breathing has me still long to go there.  I just already know that the suburban life has settled too much in my family's bones to see this kind-of life being too boring that it would bring them to tears.  I can only guess that is why those Southern charmers that I dated happened to high-tail it back to the South....  Suburban life is way too city-living and high-paced for them.  Of course, I could never just drag my family off to a place that sounds just blissful to me.  I would have to take that trip alone to truly appreciate it and I seriously doubt that they would let me do that....  Heck, I would feel just awful leaving them behind if they did let me go.

I do recall in my younger days, taking a little trip to Nashville, Tennessee.  Well, I have taken a few, but I managed to take one by myself.  Driving straight there and taking in the sights was nice, but still lacked the small town feel that I longed for.  Come to think of it....  I think I realized the reason why I feel so drawn there...  to the south, that is....  It is the stress-free feeling of people not having real high expectations; to take life as it comes and just a smile is good enough.  Don't get me wrong....  I have no doubt that they wake up early to work a full long, and hard day, but when it comes to down time....  they know how to do it right and it does not require fighting over the remote and falling asleep on the couch.

So... Have you ever thought of where you would want to go that seemed odd for a vacation, but the reasoning behind it makes sense to only you?  Where would that be and would you ever just go to experience it?  I mean, a cruise along the ocean might seem nice, but just going somewhere off the beaten path might be just as nice.  Heck, having an adventure in the wilds of Australia sounds like a good time, but exploring somewhere that represents a speck on the map can be just as adventurous....  just not on such a huge scale.  I guess it is all in what you take from the experience and what you manage to see that others just can't that makes any adventure a worthwhile thing to do.  I really wish I could go on my Southern adventure, but alas, I know I can't and that is just plain sad.  Maybe I need to look at the local things I have around me with the same interest and awe as if it is a new place to experience and maybe that will ease the "travel bug" that is itching for release, but if you are able to take that trip....  I would highly recommend getting as many experiences as you can since we only get one chance at this thing we call.... life.

Thanks for taking the journey with me and have a great day!!!

No more, I say... NO MORE! (Yeah, right)

Spent yesterday cleaning house and realized that my previous attempts at getting my clutter-bug family to stop making a mess in their wake with going on strike are futile!  I have silently waited for their "ah-ha" moment to arrive that in order to have a clean house, you need to maintain what has already been cleaned.

Yeah, right....

No more, I say, no more being silent in my quest for having them see the light...  No more picking up after the typhoons of DH and DD while biting my tongue.  It has come to the pivotal moment that my silent enabling ways to end and I need to be more verbal in my quest.  Yep, yet another attempt to instill some semblance of change around here and I fear that I lack the gumption to follow through.  I HAVE BECOME A CREATURE OF HABIT LIKE THEM and I know it!!  

Yesterday was proof in the pudding, so to speak, that I need to change my ways in order to have them see the light.  As I spent my day sweeping, mopping, and scrubbing every surface in sight...  I became aware that my family likes to watch the cleaning magic unfold.  DH was the first one I noticed watching me toil away when he came home for lunch.  Now, I do not expect him to not take his midday break from working at the garage to assist me in cleaning the house and not eat his lunch, but really.... is the perpetual whining about making a tray of ice cubes really necessary?  Or the half-arsed way he deals with the mail when he walks in so daunting that he cannot throw away the junk mail when the garbage can is less than two steps away?  Or even moving an empty recyclable container a mere six inches into the bag set aside to collect said recyclables?  Gee whiz, man!  Didn't you read the memo?  Couldn't you buy a clue?  You know I spend my days cleaning around here, but all these added and completely unnecessary steps are killing me?  Do I really need to go around the house to gather the garbage that I haul out to the curb every week, too?  Do I really need to hunt for dirty clothes to wash, dry, fold, and put away for you?  I really do not mind doing the work, but these extra steps to achieve the end result are really hitting my last nerve....

Well, after cleaning up the mess that DH left behind from his quick lunch visit, I got back to the tasks that I was attending to before he came home.  In what felt like five minutes later, DD comes home from school.  The backpack lands on the floor, in the middle where people happen to walk and proceeds to make herself a snack.  Her coat gets thrown over a chair, her shoes are scattered in the path of the doorway, and she proceeds to pour herself a glass of fruit punch in the style of Tom Cruise from the movie "cocktail" and spills some of it on the just scrubbed table that I just freed from the pile of junk mail that DH could not just throw out.  She watches me climb onto a chair to start wiping the dust off the ceiling fan in the kitchen, hears the microwave "ding" and she takes off with a plate of heated frozen corn, but leaves the butter and the knife on the counter for me to deal with....  Sigh, I silently work on cleaning that up (which takes a whole 30 seconds) and realized that I will probably lose another utensil that will probably take up residence in her room.... Oh joy!  Then I hear laughter and weird noises from her room....  apparently, she is decompressing from her day with video chat with her friend that stayed home sick from school today.  Still, no dirty dishes returned to the rightful places an hour later.  I make my presence known while I scrub down the bathroom that she utilizes to find that room trashed with towels on the floor, dirty clothes spilling out into the hallway and garbage sitting on the counter.  After cleaning that up, I venture off to another part of the house to clean.... the bathroom that DH, DD and myself use the shower and hear DD wander into the already cleaned bathroom upstairs.  Just like the Febreeze commercial where the mom cleans up the toys to turn around and see all of the toys on the floor again.... I see all the stuff I put away in its rightful place....  scattered all over again!  Drawers to the vanity left open and the freshly washed towel laying on the floor just under where it should be hanging.  UGH!  I silently go about to clean it up again before I venture off to mopping the downstairs bathroom floor and take all that clothes that DH and DD have left around the house to the laundry room to sort and get ready to be washed, dried and folded.  A pile that needs to be folded and put away are sitting in a basket and I just shake my head and decide that I can get to it tomorrow.  It was time to take the garbage to the curb and I had to start making dinner soon.

As I walk into the kitchen, I find yet another spill on the table and this one managed to leave a little on the floor......  OH THIS IS IT!!!  "Oh, daughter!!!!" I shout.  "Yes, mom?" she says with a timid tone in her voice, knowing I am now clinging onto the last frayed nerve.  "While I happen to be placed on this Earth to take care of keeping the house clean, I would appreciate it if you STOP TRASHING THE PLACE!  Between you and your father.... I will be dead from exhaustion before my next birthday.  How about giving your mom a break and wipe up your spills, huh?  I just mopped today and I really do not think it is necessary to keep mopping until you go back to school tomorrow to have a break from that task.  I still need to forage for the dirty clothes that I know I overlooked since I cannot complete one room in one sweep.  Really, I take the weekend off and this house ends up looking like I never clean around here.  This is getting ridiculous!"  DD looks at me with that blank stare that tells me that she is selectively listening for key words to make it look like she is actually hearing me, but I know better.  DH does the same thing to me all-the-time...  I know that I have my work cut out for me when she takes a paper towel and places it over the spill and walks away....  UGH!

Well, after I think I have it all under control and to a level that I can manage, I leave some stuff to deal with today, but sadly, yet again, DH decided to have a snack after dinner and leaves a trail of chip crumbs from the kitchen to the living room and has no desire to pick them up.  I SNAP...  "You know I love you, right?" I say as the opening to try to soften the blow.  DH just looks at me, sighs and knows that I am rearing up to go into a tirade over the mess I now need to clean up again.  I pull out the vacuum and hand it to him and say.... "We no longer have a dog that is willing to suck up every last crumb you happen to drop throughout the house and I believe, since the last time I checked in the mirror, I am lacking 4-legs, fur, and the desire to eat garbage off the floor to be the family pet.  While I know that it is my job to maintain the inside of this house, I refuse to follow you around with a cleaning kit attached to my hip like my other neighbor.  I am willing to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry, but I really do not think it is fair that I have to scrounge around and collect the dirty clothes to wash them, or collect the dishes from all corners of the house to wash them, or redo something I already did like mopping or vacuuming just hours ago because you refuse to put your chips in something other than your hands as you walk about the house.  It is just common sense and common courtesy to at least try to keep things clean around here.  Most of the stuff is easy and remotely painless to do, but yet I have two of you proving to me that bending over to pick something up is far too difficult of a task for you to accomplish.  Now, while you are now being required to vacuum up this mess, I have to take the garbage to the curb and obviously cannot be in two places at once, so get cracking!"

Needless to say, I got the silent treatment from my family for the rest of the evening, but at least I got to stop cleaning an hour before falling unconscious on the couch.  So much for taking an hour or two to wind down with my book.  Well, off to do more....  My little snap from yesterday did not sink in their thick skulls...  I get to re-clean the bathrooms and the kitchen before I can tackle the laundry today.

Reading what I lack.....

There is a saying.... well, maybe NOT really a saying, but something I have been told.....  When it comes to reading, we gravitate towards reading what we lack in life.  While it is hard to fathom that concept, lets do a little synopsis of what some of the various genres of books out there....

Lets begin with the two specific types of books....  Fiction and non-fiction and some of the genre specific areas....

Fiction: non-fact based stories that can range from the most various genres coming to mind....  Romance, Mystery, Suspense/Thriller, Comedies* (*which some are also found in non-fiction, which we will touch upon soon), Action/Sci-fi/Fantasy....

Non-Fiction: fact based books such as documentaries, biographies, and reference books about history and current events.  While most non-fiction books are informative, there are some that offer comedic anecdotes in the writing.  Self-help books are also considered non-fiction.

Now, what I would like to have you take note upon is the reason for the selection between Fiction and Non-Fiction books.  The difference is purely based upon entertainment value.  Some people find entertainment in knowledge of a specific topic or person and that is great.  I just happen to be a person that chooses to opt for Fiction books purely on the ability for a mind to escape reality.  There are a few times I have found a book that offers more knowledge than not just as enticing to read, but lately, my choices have been more genre specific in the Fiction realm and here is where I can give you some insight to how these vastly different genres can fulfill what we lack in real life.

Romance:  Well, is there any doubt to why a person would gravitate towards this genre other than the need to fill the need for more "happy ever after" stories of love?  It is the stuff that fills the mind and heart with false hope, but at least softens the blow that reality's harsh existence that nothing is as blissful as it seems.

Mystery:  The suspense and all encompassing need to be a problem solver can definitely run amok and just being observant in the writing styles of a mystery writer can be what holds a person's attention span.  Just to figure out "who did it" certainly offers entertainment... especially when the writing offers twists and turns to throw your solution based thought process for a loop.  I have managed to read some books where even the most subtle suggestions were capable of shocking me to believe that nothing is ever what it seems.

Suspense/Thriller:  Just what adrenaline junkies look for...  the shock and awe of a writer's ability to expand the imagination and see things in a far than pretty light.  Just tapping into the mind of someone that is so far off from who you happen to really be makes it so interesting and the need to understand why a person would think this way so strong.

Action/Sci-fi/Fantasy:  While the stories are more far fetched, it offers another world of which the reader can escape to.  It can offer a little of the three above genres, but the characters are not something you can possibly see walking down the street.  Witches, Wizards, Warlocks, Knights in shining armor, damsels in distress and dragons or other mythical creatures is a definite recipe for a true escape from the hustle and bustle of ordinary life, but the premises of the stories not only offer other worlds to explore....  they speak in volumes of traits that the current society seems to lack....  Chivalry, bravery in the face of adversity, and adventure that you cannot find outside your door.  Also, the travel to exotic places that nobody has ever set eyes upon seems to broaden the horizons of what we see from day to day and could possibly cause for appreciation in even the smallest of things and the tiniest of creatures.

What you can see is what a person can get from a certain genre of books.  While I have managed to dabble in all of these genres, I have been stuck in the rut of needing to read about love and the happily ever after world of romance novels.  Contrary to popular belief (and I am saying this because I was one of those people), romance novels are not all soft-core porn stories.  While some do happen to fit that description, there is one basic premise that all these books offer and it is....  A story about boy meets girl, drama ensues (which is flat out denial about what their feelings are), the realization of those feelings, and the pursuit of being together forever.  Yes, I can say that it is about false hope in finding "the one" that is the main topic of the book.  While some books can be more steamy with sizzling sexual descriptive words, there is a fair amount of emotion that is placed before the reader.  Some can be funny, some quite sad, some can make you scratch your head and wonder how it will work out, and some are more endearing of stories that take the reader on a journey of inner thought about their own lives.  Now, I will admit that I am not a true romance novel fanatic because there are various types within the genre.  I stray away from historical romance novels because the verbal usage of words from a time and place that I cannot connect with bothers me.  I mean, being called a "wench" is not that big of a deal for that time period, but being called one in this time, age and location.... it means something completely different and not easily adaptable to me.  What I tend to gravitate towards are characters that somehow resemble me, a woman with a sharp tongue and bad hair comes to mind, or a woman that has stopped believing in ever getting a "happily ever after"... you know a woman jaded from what life has thrown her way.  Just reading about that happens to still offer false hope that everyone gets that happily ever after, but isn't that all what we tend to cling to if there is nothing else, right?

When this "genre jag" (that is what I am calling this) for romance novels started, I was reading a trilogy that has been coined as "mommy porn".  It all started as a dare, but I became one of the many roped in by the hype.  The writing was not the greatest, the characters unbelievable, the descriptive terms of sexual acts was a bit difficult to read without blushing, but the story offered an escape from what I have adapted to as the way things are.  The switch to romantic comedy/chic-lit became more comforting to me.  I still scratch my head over why I am so drawn to these books, but I have finally embraced the phrase... "You read what you lack in your live".  With acknowledgement of that....  I wonder where I go from there.  I cannot keep reading this genre forever!  I am trying to get desensitized from all that feel good crap and return to what my life is really like, but I just can't seem to get enough.  The only thing that this has desensitized me from is being upset that I will probably never get my own hope-filled happy ever after filled with love, lust, and adoration from the person that I married.  He is a self-proclaimed non-romantic guy and will never venture into trying to be anything else regardless of my need for just a little.  I will admit this, though.....  My tomboy ways are slipping and the girly side of me is finally coming through.....

Thank you and now I am crying.....

Yesterday, I realized that there is more bottled up emotion that I just cannot seem to release.  All it took was for a nice thing to be said to me from my brother and the waterworks started.  Yep, that relationship between siblings can do that to a person.

My brother and I rarely talk these days.  We have different things to attend to, so that random call just to say "hi" really does not happen.  Regardless of the fact that we happen to live in the same town.... as a matter of fact, just roughly six blocks apart to where we could walk to each other's house.

It has been known that I try to stay strong for others and with that attitude of acceptance that I tend to possess, I have been crying far less this past year.  In fact, I happen to explain things away and brush off the need to really have an emotional release.  When I did manage to cry.... it is just a tear or two that can quickly be wiped away with my fingers.  Life is not supposed to be all smiles and happiness.  There are real challenges that can pull some strong emotion and I know that I have been at the point where my chances of crying for myself is quite near.  I thought I had it under control with reading some emotionally touching books.  Crying over a sad story read is not a sign of weakness, but a sign of compassion for others.  I have been a compassionate person all my life.  That is why it is far easier for me to put others first and myself last. Even my compassion has its limitations....  I make crying a solitary thing when I cry for others.  I take pride in being strong in front of others.  I am far from perfect regarding that since yesterday's waterworks could not be controlled.  It took taking the long way home to get it under control and look like everything is just wonderful so I can face my family.

After working at the salon, I took a detour in my usual route home.  I made my appearance at a fundraiser for hospitalized veterans that my brother has participated in running for the past, and I am only guessing, 20 years or so.  It is a cause that hold dear to my family.  My father, a WWII veteran, instilled a strong sense of pride in his service to this country.  Of all people to feel the pain of loss through war... it was him.  He lost his only brother in the same war, but still held onto the pride of doing something for the greater good.  Risking your life for others is something that is never taken lightly and sadly, is not held to a high regard by all.  Back in his day, there were no fundraisers to help the injured, no special treatment when they returned home and no continual offering of thanks for a job well done, but he still took pride in his service and appreciated every person that proceeded him as well as followed him.  A humble man with far too much love and compassion in his heart.  I see that is where I got that trait and I hold it tightly in me.  What my dad taught me was through example and he is the greatest man that ever lived in my eyes.  Regardless of the times he spent hours watching documentaries about wars past, he remained grounded through his memories.  I sure still do miss him....

Well, yesterday, my brother and I sat and talked.... just a little... there were far too many people to have a true heart to heart talk, but we did manage to go from a light conversation to something far deeper.  I found it funny at how people he introduced me to had a hard time accepting that we are related and that I was more of a hellion than he ever was.  All of that talk about family spurred on taking a moment to walk outside and have a slightly deeper talk about family.  As I said earlier....  my brother and I do not talk all that much on a regular basis.  He noticed that I was constantly checking the time and he wondered why.  I sure as heck could not lie to him....  I did not mention my intention of making my appearance to the fundraiser straight from work with DH and I had to get home soon or the calm waters that we are currently in will turn if he has to wait too long for dinner.  Since I do all the cooking, I needed to be home early enough to actually cook the meal for them.  The last time I asked for assistance in dinner was the prior weekend when I forgot to put dinner in the crock pot and had to walk DH through how to do what I should have done before leaving for work.  Then, I got the guilt trip that he had to make dinner and added some boasting that he is a better cook than me.  When I suggested that he does all the cooking from now on, since he is such a talented cook and all, I get a nasty tone and a "don't push your luck" comment in return.  I am still raw from that last fight we had and I have almost perfected my walking on eggshells bit... almost... and I really have serious doubts that I can take another fight right now.  My side of the family already is strained with a spouse of a sibling and I am not sure that my family can take another one with mine.  My efforts to keep the rest of my family in tact is hard enough since the death of my father, thank you, and I would be crushed if my marriage is the breaking point.  Family is really all that I have left.

I just happened to make the mistake of opening up to my brother about some things and saw a side of him that I was not ready for....  a protective older brother.  Growing up, the sibling rivalry changed often, but there was always one constant....  My oldest sister always took on the bossy role, my second oldest sister was the martyr and was under constant protection from her little brother (my older brother), and the relationship with my older brother was always flip-flopping between fighting and getting along.  Being the youngest, I was looked as more of a bother than anything else.  That hindrance of having freedom if you were expected to babysit me when I was too young to be left home alone.  I looked up to all my siblings, but was never really pulled into the fold and embraced as a person.  I kind of do now, but it took well over 30 years of my existence to feel like I belonged.

I think that after the talk my brother and I had yesterday, he saw a side of me that probably bothered him.... the sad, but self-reliant little sister that is too emotionally wounded to take a kind word sent her way without tearing up.  He saw what years of not knowing what it is like to be appreciated turned me into.  I was always looked upon as the reliable sibling, but never one to be appreciated by those that mattered.  That level of appreciation beyond the mechanical response that I get for what I do instead of who I am is a rare thing.  That point when someone appreciates you for who you are and what you do is something that rarely, if ever, happens to me.  That sharing of what they appreciate about me is what chokes me up because it is such a rare thing to hear.  Heck, I lack the self-confidence and belief in what people tell me because of that being so rare.  I seriously need that so bad in my life that I started losing hope.  I am seeing my life crumble in front of me because that one component is almost nonexistent.  Love is not really love when it is missing parts like this.  Lust is only instant gratification and that does die off in time.  I should know, but the components that make love a forever thing is compassion, appreciation, and respect.  You lack one and love is really no longer there... only obligation to keep trying and stay together with hopes that it gets better.  Especially when you are the one that still believes that there is love somewhere and needs to be set free again.  That is what I am feeling.... a strong resolve to exhaust every avenue to make things better and be rewarded for my efforts. Sadly, I am nearing the point of acceptance that this is as good as it is going to get.  That love is no longer a free thing, but earned through sacrifice to always do the right thing for another.

Oh well, I have to stop here....  Time to get the grocery shopping done with the family.  The whining and bickering between DH and DD is not going to go away until this mandatory family task is completed.  Have a nice day everyone!

November 7, 2012....

The votes were placed and counted....  The decision has been made.  The battle for president is over for now, and we have another 4 years of seeing what will happen next.  It was a race that was watched my many.  When the results came in and the winner was announced, you can hear the mixed emotions in the air. Some of pure jubilation and some of sheer despair.....  President Obama gets 4 more years...

You all are probably wondering where my feelings are about this....  well.....

While I am not all that thrilled with the outcome, I am required to offer well wishes to our re-elected president, and I do.  I can only feel some relief that this time around, he can no longer place blame on the previous president for the mess he has "inherited".  Well, unless he has a real short term memory and forgot that the current mess is from his efforts.  He now has nobody else to blame, but himself for the mess that we are in.  He can no longer take vacations to "think things over" before he blames others for the issues that require his full attention... he needs to take on the issues like a man and do the right thing.  Sadly, not everyone will see his idea being the best one out there.

While people will still believe that the president is the decision maker and paid attention to who was to be elected/re-elected, it is the others that represent each state that fill the houses of government that create these grand plans to create solutions to our crippling economy, our near dead jobs issue, and the laws that we become required to follow.  All the president is to the grand scheme of things is a person that signs the bottom line, an ambassador for foreign relations, and a face attached to a voice that tells us only what they (and I mean the whole government system) wants you to hear on the television with press conferences and the random speeches.  We all have to realize that he is more of a showpiece than anything else.  Of course, he will always be the first one to blame when things "go south", and will be the butt end of jokes.  We offer respect to the man because of the title, but not everyone will respect him fully.

There is a line drawn when it comes to political beliefs.  Either you are a humanitarian or a businessman.  While I know that people are capable of getting along, it is the concept of business that has me concerned.  Believe me, I am scared.... very scared.  I am, by no means, wealthy,  What I have has been earned.  I never won the lottery, I never was given an inheritance, nor have I ever invented something that has become a household must-have.  I do not own a business that offers service or sells things to the masses, but I do know that my husband owns a business.  On paper, we probably look wealthy, but in all honesty, we are not.  Our family is considered middle class, but we are scraping the bottom of the barrel.  No more college fund for DD, our retirement savings is gone, and even the thought of those two things ever coming back is hard to fathom because we cannot plan for the future when the present is bleeding us dry.  Just existing is taking everything we have... and then some....  We are not alone in this scenario, but yet again we ended up with the humanitarian selection for a president.  His socialistic views of taking from the rich to level the playing field for the middle class and poor IS WRONG, but the people that chose through voting refuse to realize it.  Free healthcare is a great idea, but also wrong and people still believe that it should happen.  Renewable energy is a great concept, but impossible to match the efficiency of fossil fuels.  There are plenty of people looking for work, but the business owners cannot afford to offer jobs when taxes swallow every available penny that should go to their workers.  But yet, here we go again with these grand plans that truly cannot work for another 4 years.

I do find it comical that people placed such high regard upon a person that claims to have ended the war in Afghanistan, Iran and Iraq and that the war on terror is done when it was from the efforts of those that sacrificed their lives to do so.  Our military should be given higher regard to their efforts than a president that claims that he ended the war... not them.  It just blows my mind that there are people so short-sighted to believe that.  Heck, getting a Nobel Peace Prize for doing nothing, but being nice lowers the prestige that this award once held.  If just existing and being a pushover makes you worthy.... well, then every person that opened a door, said a nice thing to another, and remembered to say please and thank you should get one, too.

The concept that this economy is on an upswing is a joke!  The unemployment numbers getting smaller is only because the benefits have run out and people have stopped trying.  They should check out the increase in supposed "entitlements" that the truly poor have been forced to take....  food stamps, government controlled healthcare (medicaid comes to mind), and early retirement of medicare with social security (if they chose to look at the age of the recipient) and then tell me that things are getting better.  Our seniors are screwed!  Their nest-eggs are gone, necessary medical coverage is getting higher every time there is a "cost of living" increase, and the incentives that should be offered to them are so restricted that if they receive a pension from their jobs.... it makes them ineligible for additional assistance.  The choices we are forced to make teeter between keeping a roof overhead, clothes on our backs, food in our stomachs or the necessary medicines we need to take in order to survive.  The days of single families living in single family homes is becoming more of a pipe dream when parents are taking in multi-generations of family members in their homes so ends can be met and some semblance of a comfortable existence.  As long as there are going to be excessive taxes to the supposed rich to support the poor....  nobody will truly exist happily.

Too much humanitarian government will result in being treated less like functioning cogs in society because the government will make all the decisions for us.  Heck, with Obamacare, if it was to truly pass in it's original form, would put your health in the hands of someone that knows nothing about you nor cares to know.  Limited care has put far too many people in a grave.  HMO's are the perfect example.  I watched a neighbor not get diagnosed for ovarian cancer because her HMO did not want to spend the money to take the essential test.  When they finally allowed it... it was too late and she had only enough time to get her affairs in order before she died.  Gee, that sounds comforting, huh?  But people choose to believe that government controlled healthcare is a great idea.  Instead of controlling healthcare, why not cap the cost so people can afford to obtain coverage if they choose to.  Instead of sending jobs overseas... make it appealing to take some of that work back here.  Stop making every appealing job have a requirement for a college degree that people currently cannot afford.  How about putting a limit on welfare and stop the generations of people that utilize the program or even limit the number of children being born in poverty... not having a job should not allow a person to have a dozen kids and get it paid for by the ones that work through taxes.  Oh, that's right....  the ones that can afford to support strangers are required to do so.  Gotta love that socialism, right?

If this keeps on going... we should no longer call our president and his wife the chief of staff and the first lady.  We can call them "mom and dad" because we can no longer make decisions for ourselves.  What we earn, we can call "our allowance" and maybe we can save up enough to get a candy bar someday.  UGH!  The cynical side is coming forward.  I should stop here.  I think you all got my point.....  I am not seeing things getting better since we apparently reelected the president that has plans to put us there.  While I did not vote for that man, I have to accept it and do the best I can to stay afloat.  Maybe the next president will get it right, but I doubt it.....  Obama has a vice president and "Uncle Biden" will be sure to carry the torch for another 8 years.  Time to bow my head and shake my head in shame.....

Mature eyes....

I have been on a list of sorts for a while....  It is called the Clerical Substitute list for the local high school district.  With living within walking distance from my old high school, I figured that it would be the ideal place to look for work.  You see, DH had the request that I need to find a more stable paycheck to help with the family finances.  That request was made almost 4 years ago and I have tried to find something to fulfill both his demands and what I felt were reasonable parameters for being a full time mother with a child that had attended full days of school.  While it is easy to increase the hours at my job at the salon, I knew that even though the hours were flexible....  it offered no guarantee of a larger paycheck or even a reliable wage earned as well as guaranteed earnings if I had to take time off to attend to a sick child (if the need arises).  Heck, when the kids are off from school with all those "breaks" and "institute/non-attendance days"....  it was going to be pretty darn had to be in two places at once.  Working in an atmosphere that mirrors DD's school schedule was the best option that I could think of and that is with the local schools.  Also, if DD got sick....  I could be assured that my job was covered.  If I was to work in the salon, I would be hard-pressed to decide between my clients and my daughter.  Hairdressers do not really earn an hourly wage and our income is based strictly upon what we do and the tips we receive.  Meaning...  no clients = no income.  If my clients are moved over to another stylist... they get the commission and I get nothing.  Believe me... I tried to attain office work, but being out of the office scene for years definitely put me behind the curve and when I did get some temporary work that lasted a few months...  getting DH to step up his game and take care of DD while I worked beyond the regular school hours and days off was difficult.  I ended up being a referee to diffuse the tension between DH and DD.  He is too married at his job to be the parent that DD needed.  Their friendship was strained...  in fact, still is.  With no solid job being offered at the schools, the list was the way for me to go.

Well, after some serious patience which took almost 2 years....  I finally got called in to help at one of the local high schools.  Sadly, not the one that is walking distance from my home, but this school is within the district that I applied to be a substitute on.  Yep, got a call at 7:00 in the morning with a frantic person seeking someone to fill in a student supervisor position (aka hall monitor) for that day.  Obviously, I jumped at the opportunity and raced myself to get there.  I got a quick walk through of the school, a portable radio, a map of the school and my schedule for the day.  After a brief explanation of what my responsibilities were, I was sent off to do this job on my own.  Nervous and excited to the new experience, I actually had an enjoyable time.  In fact, I managed to get the other hall monitors/student supervisors to smile as we passed each other in the halls to get to our other posts throughout the day.  I can fully understand how that job can be draining on a person, but with my fresh view of the experience....  I doubt I could really get all that bored.  I am a person watcher by nature, I like to focus on details that surround me.  What surprised me was being able to see high school all over again with more mature eyes.

With these mature eyes that I happen to have, I managed to see things in a far different light.  The mom in me felt her heart go out to these kids.  Just seeing the exhaustion in their eyes almost had me weep, but after seeing their choice in food to eat at lunch changed that thought pretty darn quick.  How in the heck does a person live on junk food like that?  No wonder why these kids are so darn tired.  The vending machine offered very little healthy stuff to eat.  I know why those kids attacked that machine like they did....  the line to get a hot meal or a salad was painfully long and moving painfully slow.  These kids wanted something fast so they can get in more time for socializing with friends or to catch up on their homework.  Well, that was only part of my mom-like feelings..... these kids are slobs!  The concept of getting these kids to clean up after themselves was a job in itself.  Fortunately, with a smile and a few kind words...  I got them to clean up after themselves just fine.  The mix of ethnicity did make for a stressful environment, but fortunately (or sadly, whichever you choose to see it as) cliques kept potential clashing of heads at bay.  I was never one to fully fit into a clique in school.  I had friends all around.  I never played favorites and was nice to everyone around me.  I just never really appreciated the parameters that people put out to decide if another person is worthy of being their friend, but in my more mature view.... I see there was a reason.

With my tendencies to have a booming voice and reasonable expectations, I spent my day keeping things running smoothly during my watch.  Of course, I think I will have the perpetual problem with the fashion statement of baggy pants that refuse to be pulled to the waist.  I ended up repeating throughout the day to so many kids to pull up their darn pants which had everyone around me laughing, I even laughed a time or two.  I really do not need to know what color or pattern their underwear is.  Between the constant reminder to walk in the hallways and to fight the backside hanging out of their pants fashion statement....  it was a pretty non-eventful day.  I still never let my guard down, though.  So many kids in such a small area are known to fight and the main part of that job is to keep everyone there safe.  Rules are to be followed.... no matter how lame they appeared to the kids.  I was fortunate that no fighting really broke out fully in my presence.  There were a few times that appeared to seem like a fight was brewing under the surface, but I made my presence known and was lucky to diffuse it before it escalated.

Could I do this job on a daily basis?  Sure.  I would have to get used to the constant adrenaline rush to fully appreciate the job because once I got home....  I fell asleep on the couch for an hour.  I did not really exert myself physically, but mentally I was taxed to the hilt.  I felt I was more of a parent watching over a thousand kids at once and to be that alert for that long to make sure the "what ifs" that could happen... did not happen.  There is a completely new appreciation of an uneventful day being a good day and that day was a really good day for the books.  Just that experience alone gave me a new appreciation for what I have no doubt thought was an easy job when I was their age.  It is all in getting the chance to experience the job to appreciate it in a new light.  Now, I just have to wait for another opportunity to come along because being a substitute does not guarantee a solid job, but when it comes....  I will be looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!  Time to tackle some more housework and maybe a few more chapters of another book...

She is me and I am her.....

I knew it was only going to be a matter of time that I would fully turn into my mother.  The added bonus is that I have also turned into my father (just a bit).  I just find it intriguing at how this came about...

With yesterday being Halloween and all, DD was excited to dress up as something and hang with her friends to do some "trick or treating".  I like to see DD with a smile on her face, but I have the uncanny knack to put a fly in the ointment.  Just like my mother and father, I have strong opinions about things.  Especially when it comes to what is seen and heard.  I guess it is that gift of being a little more attuned to everything about my daughter.  It is a parent trait that appears the day after the child is born.  We spend so much time attending to our offspring that it becomes second nature to become controlling and opinionated.  While our children fight tooth-and-nail to become independent thinkers and their thoughts that their parents are just off their rockers comes naturally to them.  It is just maddening to the parents that it takes until their children are fully grown to finally figure out that their parents were right all along.  I still have to laugh that it is a matter of time when she figures that out.  When she does.....  I will enjoy every minute of her acknowledgement.  Sadly, that day is not going to come anytime soon.

Well, onward about how DD is like me and how I turned into her (meaning my mother)....

DD created a costume from random stuff that we have around the house....  old parts to other costumes and with a good mix of creativity and some of her regular clothes, she became a "dark warrior" (or so she calls it).  It consisted of an old witch's cape, a pair of leggings, a sweater (after three suggestions to change the shirt choice), a belt and a dagger that she won from one of her taekwondo competitions.  The shoe choice was a pair of knock-off Ugg-like boots.  As I said before... I made comments about her shirt choice since she refused to put a jacket on with this cooler weather.  Her first choice was a summer top (halter-style in a shade of eggplant purple that did not match the design color of the witch's cape... which was magenta), her second choice was a purple t-shirt that was closer to mauve than magenta, and she finally took my suggestion to wear her new magenta long-sleeved sweater that matched perfectly.  When it came down to shoes....  sigh....  she wanted to wear ballerina flats that were too big for her feet and when she tried to walk, she looked like she was more focused on keeping the shoes on her feet than actually walking.  Knowing that she would get blisters, I made her pick something that was a little better fitting for her feet.  Oh, the drama over getting her to look remotely comfortable for her evening of friends, trick-or-treating and fun.  After a few comments from her lips that sounded quite like me when I get frustrated with DH (the saying of "is all right and wonderful in your world" was used quite often by me and now by her that evening), she joined her friends for the evening.  Round one:  She sounded like me when I get frustrated, but I trumped it by becoming opinionated like my mother and used the phrase of  "you are not leaving the house in that skimpy top" like my father.

The recap of the evening when I drove to pick up DD from her friend's house.  I refuse to let her walk home alone in the dark and all the parents agreed to pick up their kids at one kid's house when the trick or treating fiasco ended.  Luckily, it was not at my house this time....  too many kids in my little house is a recipe for disaster.  Well, DD proceeds to tell me that quite a few little boys were flirting with her and she claimed that she felt confused about it.  CONFUSED?!?!?  Sheesh!  I had to explain to her that boys will flirt with pretty girls.  While she still does not see that she is pretty, I happened to recall being told that I am pretty from time to time and refuse to believe it, too.  Of course, when it comes to me....  I was never all that popular with the boys like she is.  I had plenty of friends that were, and still are, boys.  In fact, a good chunk of my current friends happen to be men that I grew up with.  I am still a tomboy and feel more at ease with my male friends than my female ones, but nonetheless, I never saw myself as pretty.  No matter how many times my mom told me I was.  Parents never count, you know, when it comes to compliments.  So, as DD tells me about her best friend's boyfriend calling her "hot" and feeling confused about it, I had to remind her of the girl code....  Never flirt with a friend's boyfriend and never date a best friend's ex.  Obviously, she knows the code and never flirted with him (she has a boyfriend already), but nonetheless, it concerned me because I have lost many friends over seemingly innocent incidents like that.  I have seen friends start dating exes of mine before the breakup had a chance to settle in.  The worst thing to see is a friend flirting with their friend's boyfriend.... well, the absolute worst is finding out that your friend slept with your boyfriend while you were still dating him.  Happened to me once and that, my friends, is the worst possible scenario.  Regardless of my past disasters, I at least want my daughter to have the same level of respect for her friends like I do with mine and reminded her of the code anyway.  In hindsight of this, I even mentioned to her one thing my mom always said and I never believed.....  I was looked upon as worthy to be pursued even when I did not feel anything for the guy.  When I told DD that same comment my mother used to say to me.... I saw the same look I gave my mom in DD's face....  absolute disbelief.  Round two:  DD thinks little of herself like I do about myself, but I happen to see that she has no reason to feel that way.  I can only gather that my mom dealt with the same thing....  Pointing out the obvious when we refuse to see it.

Now, here is where I appear to be like my dad.....  While DD is nearing the pivotal teenage years that usually consist of dating the opposite sex, I am not all that thrilled that she is even looked upon as someone to be dating at this young age.  In fact, I already know that I will be the parent that puts the fear of God in every boy caller out there.  This is one area that I know I will be far more scary than DH could ever be.  Heck, DH is everyone's buddy when you meet him.  He does not have an overprotective bone in his body, while I, on the other hand, would do just about anything to protect my baby girl.  If DH ever had an overprotective bone in his body.... I never have seen it when it comes to me....  I have always fought my own battles.  That, my friends, is what my father taught me to do.....