Yep, being a whiner today.....

Morning folks!  Started my day with a loathsome feeling.  Winter is here and thankfully, it has not snowed like it has been predicted... yet.  I fear that there is going to be a major dump of the "white stuff" real soon.  Which comes to mind my current issues and how I will absolutely hate something I kind-of enjoy...

My back is back at it again!!  Pinched nerves, misalignment, muscle spasms... oh my!  Have not had a decent night sleep in close to a month because it is cold and flu season.  My track record of making it through one season change without getting sick is nonexistent.  Still going through the last stages of a bronchitis and sinus infection I had roughly a month ago.  I believe that this one is not going to go down without a fight because the congestion has struck again.  Not liking the feeling like I was beaten across my back with a baseball bat.  I am going back to the arsenal of whatever I can get my hands on the ease the discomfort, but I know it will end up in going back to see the doctor for a prescription.  Fortunately, the snow has not made a lasting appearance yet, because my winter workout program of shoveling snow would just increase the discomfort I am suffering with my back.  Sadly, it has been predicted that this winter's snowfall will be just as bad, if not worse, than last year's blizzard...  I can only hope that they are wrong, but knowing my luck....  You get the picture, right?

Then, lets add on the misery of hating everything I should be doing....  Somehow, the idea of cooking, cleaning and sleeping are things I am starting to loathe.  Sleep, you ask?  How can I loathe sleep?  Easy.  Spend a whole day working out the knots, kinks, and pain in your back so you can go to bed after all that effort to wake up to pain again that needs your constant attention.  Well, it is maybe not actual loathing, come to think of it... it is fear.  I just would love to wake up pain-free for a while.  Doubtful that is going to happen any time soon because the congestion I have has a way to make every muscle ache from the waist... up.  Knowing that getting sleep in my bed, on the couch, or even on the floor is going to result in waking up in pain after working so hard to ease the pain during the day does make it hard to actually appreciate getting any sleep.

The idea of cooking and cleaning up after the typhoons that I lovingly call DH and DD is starting to lose its luster.  I am actually starting to feel like that poor hamster running in a wheel and getting nowhere.  If either of them willingly helped without having me ask could possibly put me in the hospital from shock.  I have blown off my usual weigh in day at my local weight watchers location because I fear not for what the scale is going to say, but how I just might react to the sunny disposition of the employees there and that..."oh" you get to hear even if it is a good or bad weigh in.  It is all in how they say it is how I just might lose my cool.

The only benefit of being sick is that I really have no appetite.  While I have not checked on my bathroom scale, I can assure you, that does not necessarily mean a loss.  I just can't seem to meet their healthy guidelines when food repulses me.  Sigh, I know I have to get in and face the scale.  Today is going to be that day, I guess....

After all of this minuscule whining issues, I still do not feel any lighter.  Sheesh!  I think I need a vacation!  HA!  I wonder if President Obama and his family can spare some cash that I contributed in taxes for a vacation of my own since they have been living high on the hog for almost 4 years.  Good thing it is an election year coming up.  I cannot afford supporting their jet-set lifestyle anymore.... and if I hear the word "stimulus" any time soon, I will snap!  Apparently, I am not poor enough to get any money back, but far from rich to say I am living comfortably.  Thank you, sir, for robbing me blind.  I hope you enjoyed your stay in that huge rental called the White House because I think your days are numbered, or at least I hope so.  If one moron that has no clue thinks he is worthy of a re-election and votes for him, we are all screwed for another 4 years and I cannot afford that.  Sadly, even the Republican hopefuls don't look all that promising, either....  Darn politics!

Well, off to face the day, face the scale, and pop another Aleve for my back.

I hope you all have a great day....  I am just hoping mine gets better....

Accidents happen?

Good morning....

Yesterday, I got up and went about my normal chores.  I got my paycheck right around Christmas and could not get to the bank, so after DH left for work, I got ready to head out and go do a little errand running.  I drive into town and see that there is mass chaos going on; police, fire and ambulance all in high speed.  Wondering what is going on, I see a police car parked in the bank parking lot and an officer directing traffic at the tracks.  As he is telling me to keep moving, I motion that I am trying to turn into the bank's drive through.  Wondering what is going on, I figured that I would wait until I finish my business at the bank to ask the officer.

I live in a suburb of Chicago.  Nothing really serious happens here, but when it does....  the news spreads like wildfire.  Not all of it is completely accurate, but the obvious point does get across.

Well, after finishing what I needed to do at the bank, it was painfully obvious that something happened and that there was a train involved.  From where I was, you could not make out that there was a mangled car on the tracks in front of a stopped train.  As I tried to ask the officer what was happening, I got brushed off and told to keep moving.  The curious side of me figured that I should seek out the answers, but I still had a few more errands to finish.  I saved my last errand (which seemed to be very close to all the commotion) for last.  If things were still chaotic when I returned, I had no doubt that I would find out what is happening.  Needless to say... they were and I got close enough to see that a terrible accident happened.  A car was hit by an express train and lost.  The media's reports were a little slow in the condition of the driver, but I knew with just one look that it was not going to be good news.  Suddenly, I wondered if it was someone I knew.  My brother drives past these tracks every morning, and so does DH.  A sick feeling in the pit of my stomach formed, but after taking a long, hard look at the wreckage, the only thing that I could offer as any comparison to if it was from a vehicle I knew was by the tires.  There were only 2 tires visible and one had its rim still on.  Mangled metal that was once a brand of car, truck, or minivan is no longer recognizable as what it was before impact.  Thinking hard in my memory banks of what the tires looked like on vehicles I knew came back that it was not my brother's truck and thankfully it was not DH's truck.  Feeling saddened that such a serious accident happened, I started to wonder why tragedies like this happen.  Was it ignorance to the safety gate to try to save a few minutes off their commute to somewhere?  Did the car die on the tracks and could not be moved in time?  Were they trapped in front of the gate with nowhere to move to?  These were the obvious questions because accidents like this are avoidable.  Then I wondered about that person's family and friends.  The loss that they are going to hear about; the devastation this causes and how sympathy is just not enough to ease the pain of sudden loss.  What about the conductor on the train?  Especially an express train that is not capable of stopping on a dime.  The horror that person endured having a front row seat to killing someone because there was nothing that they could do.  In all reality, slamming the brakes could cause more damage and injury to those they were transporting, and trying to turn the wheel to avoid the incident is not feasible if you are riding rails....  This disaster could not be avoided from the conductor's point of view, but I guarantee that they wish they could.

I guess what comes to mind is how an accident gets the label of being an accident.  You would figure that accidents happen and are rarely avoidable, but is it an accident if there was safety implementations in place?  Think about it.... While I was not there to see what happened (as it happened), nor do I know the thought process of a person's actions...  what if the reason was because of tempting fate?  People go around the downed safety gates all the time.  The number one reason is because of impatience; they have no available time to wait for the train to pass because they need to get to where they are going----NOW.  How about people that decide to drive after drinking.  Is it because they don't have the cash for a cab?  Are they afraid that their car will get towed?  Are they overly confident from all that "liquid courage" that they can drive just fine?  How about those that have a "lead foot" when it comes to driving.  Is getting somewhere always a race because of poor time management skills?  Or the thrill of going fast?  Now, there are just as many accidents caused by overly cautious drivers as well.  Fear of the yellow light comes to mind, slamming on the brakes because that little reminder sign just clocked you going a whole 2mph over the posted limit, and fear to drive near the speed limit because they feel their judgement is impaired if they go too fast.  While the speeders feel that the speed limit is a guideline of how slow you can go, the overly cautious ones feel that the speed limit is just that.... the maximum speed to go.  How about tailgaters that feel empowered to ride the bumper of someone that is not going fast enough.  Or the overly aggressive ones that cut people off and slam their brakes just because they have an ax to grind and you are there to take it.  What about the ones that grab life by the horns and do things in excess?  We do have limits, ya know, but ignore the signs.  Drugs and alcohol kill, too.  Really, is accidents the way to go if you know they can be avoidable?  Is it worth the risk if you can end up dead?

While I can see some people being adrenaline junkies and love to live on the edge, I wonder if they saw a horrific accident... would they think a little more?

Chain reaction.....

Good afternoon!  I have been bouncing a few thoughts in my head today and even though I do not feel that there is any fluidity to my thoughts, I felt compelled to share anyway....

Having tendencies to be more of an observer seeking answers, I managed to observe DH's family dynamic in a new light.  The conclusion that I came to is still in its rough draft, but I figured that this is just a good opportunity to get my initial findings out there.  I do appreciate feedback and I look forward to hearing what you think.....

Have you ever noticed that impressions can be misread?  What we tend to believe is fact somehow becomes distorted?  For years, I have believed that my in-laws had some deep-seeded resentment about me.  On the surface, it can be summed up as me being some less than worthy person taking residence in their son's heart.  I can only assume that everyone has felt that way about their in-laws after getting married.  As relationships build over time, there are stages that usually start off as distant or cold and become a welcoming hug into the family fold.  Acceptance is something everyone strives for at one time or another.  In my case, the experience I have had with DH's family has been nothing less than confusing.  There are times they seem so nice and welcoming that somehow turn into feeling very cold and distant.  Believe me, I am not one that has flair for the dramatic, but there is a lot of drama brewing in that family.

As I observed how DH's family interacts, an "ah-ha" moment came to the surface.  I noticed that DH's family dynamic is not all that far off from anyone else's family.  It is how behavior is acknowledged that has me scratching my head.  Guilt plays a huge role in DH's family.  I am not sure what the guilt is from, but it is the driving force that divides.  I am not sure how this is played, but you can see it clearly how DH's parents cater to the squeakiest or neediest wheel.  It is no longer a game of favorites like I concluded to years ago.  As my mother-in-law worked feverishly to cater to her children, albeit fully grown, I noticed that DH and one other sibling remained quiet.  Assuming it was from years of getting the short end of the stick ended up being something completely different.  They are not needy or demanding.  Now, don't get me wrong... DH can play that game quite well if he needed to... he got years of exposure to this and knows what he needs to do.  He just has no desire to knock someone to get what he needs.  I do notice that not just the children play this game...  his parents get in a shot or two from time to time.  Sadly, the ones prone to be receptive are the ones that are not as needy as the others.  It is just one jumbled up chain in that family, but seeing DH's ability to avoid the dramatic makes that mangled mess just a little less.  I guess that is why I got so many compliments this past weekend at how calm our family is and how well behaved DD was.  We just don't play that game in our home.  That is where the chain is broken.

This chain is not just a family thing.  I noticed it everywhere I go.  I see a person come into work still carrying the argument they just had at home with them and letting loose on a co-worker.  Having no doubt that this chain linked itself to another person to take that with them and get their release on another somewhere else.  I guess that it takes a person to break that chain before their next stage on their day in order to assure that it cannot go any further than them.  While I do not claim to be a pro at diverting emotions from one place to another, I do happen to be fairly consistent in avoiding the chain from growing.  Bottling it up is not the answer, but seeking a solution before moving forward is the best option.  We just need to remain strong that we can control it enough so we can find the solution.

As I realized that what I thought was resentment from my in-laws is nothing less than placing focus on one thing at a time....  Which reminds me of a saying....  "No one person can be everything to everyone.  Someone will always feel left out, but will get their chance to be included, if you give it time... just not when you want it."  So, in closing for today....  Remember that when life throws drama your way...  Take a step back, assess the situation, and never let it get the best of you.  That is how you can break the chain of emotional drama.

Mom....

Growing up, every child goes through stages...  It starts off with extreme admiration of the caregiver that gave birth to you and reminds you that their name is "mom" or "mama" as you try to learn your first words.  Sadly, "dada" is the easiest and usually the first word spoken, but their love for you is too strong to let something like that decrease the unconditional love they have for you.  They are the ones first called when you are hurt to fix it and "kiss the boo-boo", they are the best cooks on the planet in your eyes, and the first person you go to when you have questions.  As we get older, somehow our moms become tougher; expectations that we tend to disagree upon cause arguments over who knows best and we tend to think that they are just on another planet compared to where we are...  They wiped our tushes, our noses, cleaned up after us, fed us and then they cut us off from the easy life and shove us into the reality of becoming responsible people....  Oh, the agony!  In our teens, and well into our early adulthood (which I have figured is somewhere in our mid 30's), we tend to think that mom is completely out of touch with current events and have zero understanding of what life is really like.  Of course, most of those bickering sessions ended with "when you have children of your own, I hope they turn out to be just like you and then you will understand"....  awful curse, but it will come true...

By the time we become parents, we suddenly realize that Mom was right and there is a new found appreciation for her and her lifelong career of being our mom.  They become the go-to person when we have questions on handling our own children.  Mom becomes the relief team when dealing with children of our own and handle it like a professional.  Their knowledge with experiencing the likes of us have them so well prepared that their grandchildren have better respect for them than you ever did at their age.  Of course, they enjoy their grandchildren because they do not have to live with them after all the sugary treats, hugs and fun they have as they get to go to their quiet homes at the end of the day.  But their knowledge is far more appreciated because we tend to remember those little talks and over protective behavior they possessed and how when we thought that they were so out of touch... they were not.

Now, I know that there are people out there that have suffered the misfortune of never getting to a point in life where you are blessed to have your parents involved.  I can only hope that they managed to reach some level of their new found respect for them before the pain of loss happens, because as we all know....  nobody can live forever.  As for me, I have been fortunate enough to have my mom in my life to this day and got to experience the incredible knowledge that had to be repeated upon me to realize that I was the clueless one back in the day.  Sadly, my blessing only has been with still having my mom here to turn to...  My father passed away a little over 10 years ago, right when our relationship was building to an even higher point.  My dad was my best friend, but he was someone I would have loved to get to learn more from.  My educational journey of understanding what a father's love when they become a grandfather was, was cut way too short and I miss him terribly... so does my mom.  I do take comfort in knowing that he is alive in my heart and that we are being watched from heaven.  Still hurts that he is not physically here, but he would not allow for anyone to stop living because he is not here.  He left a major impression in everyone he loved... even my daughter.  He passed when she was only 18 months old, but she even remembers him to this day.  I remember her asking if grandpa was still taking pictures of her while he is up in heaven.  She was 3 at the time.  Now, that should tell you that if they can be remembered... they are never really gone.

As I try to bring this blog to a close for the day.... I wanted to mention that there are times I realize that I have become my mom and I am actually thankful for that.  Her no nonsense way of speaking her mind puts things in perspective for me.  Humble as she may be, she is more helpful than she could ever think she has been and I appreciate it.  She taught me the stages and now I understand...  Thank you, Mom.

Oh, by the way....  When you think your mom does not listen when you talk about your spouse... she does.  She actually helped me remember that for the past 4 years or so, DH has been eyeing up a nostalgic themed popcorn maker, but stopped talking about it a couple of years back.  She was the one that helped me find something that can bring a child-like sparkle in DH's eyes this Christmas... that popcorn maker.  Nice feeling to have when your mom has your back even after the Hell I put her through growing up...

Have a great day everyone and remember.... You only have one Mom and Dad.  Here or not... remember them and be sure to say thanks from time to time...

Feeling like a heel.....

I am torn between kicking myself for being a hypocrite or I should chalk up this year as my learning experience for the future....

Christmas is supposed to be that time of year to offer peace and goodwill in celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ.  As we all know, peace and goodwill should not have a season for the reason, but should be offered at all times.  Everyone is suffering financial struggles and sadly, Christmas has become too commercialized to really focus on what it should be about.  I even took the time to read a little about what Christmas (and its traditions) are all about.  I just seem to have some conflicting thoughts about it all.

Christmas is widely known as the time to celebrate the birth of our moral savior, Jesus Christ.  Being a mystery in how he was born was enough to show that miracles can happen.  He was conceived in the womb of a virgin and was born with ridicule to his name.  His father is God, an entity that has never been seen, but has been believed to be the creator of all things in his image.  Jesus' existence was created to educate everyone he could in believing in God, the higher power to all, and to follow the rules bestowed upon them.  While there has been controversy in every aspect to Christ and Christmas, the actual date Christ was born is not to be believed to be on December 25, the traditions that seem to have roots in Pagan rituals for the winter solstice, the religious variations of in belief, the perceptions of how to celebrate, and even how the word "Christmas" has caused for political correctness when church and state are to be separate.  We could even mention how stories and characters have become a part of what was not to be such a complicated time of year.  Characters like Santa Claus, Rudolf the red-nosed reindeer, Frosty the snowman, and such taking center stage to what Christmas is supposed to be about.  While it is understood that children have no interest in what the true meaning of Christmas is, we tend to fuel the fire of commercialism with gifts we cannot afford.  I guess that is why I seem to relate more to Linus when he explained the meaning of Christmas to Charlie Brown...

This is where I have been feeling like I am a hypocrite...  I have lost focus on what Christmas is supposed to be about.  I have tried for a long time to teach DD how to appreciate all that comes her way, to not be expecting of lavish luxuries, to think of others, and to learn that the true meaning of Christmas is not about gifts, but about something greater.  Sadly, there are stronger forces out there that managed to taint the true meaning and where the focus should be laid upon.

I did try to start off this season of celebration as true to what I thought it should be this year.  I have done what I could to save DH any additional headaches when it comes to our finances and I still failed miserably.  Just a month ago, I had the wind knocked out of me when it came to what DH had to sacrifice in order to put new tires on my truck.  As I thanked him profusely for his efforts and asked for nothing more than to try to be as helpful as I can with my part time job and no prospects of finding more stable work, I took it upon myself to do the family Christmas shopping with what I alone earned and did not use a credit card.  Knowing that what I did manage to get was less than exciting (clothes, pj's, socks, underwear, and the like), I decided that I should do one additional thing to cement the idea that I have zero greed in my blood by refusing to ask for anything for myself for Christmas.  As Jesus Christ sacrificed his life for absolution of sin to his followers, I decided to sacrifice getting a gift for the sheer fact that it would not put a strain on the family finances.  I know, it sounds like I was being the martyr when I thought of it, but something needed to be done so DH would not think of Divorce being a possible solution to our financial struggles again.  As lousy of an idea that was, I wanted to at least try to not be as much of a burden, financially, with my decision to not ask for anything.  Stupid me, mentioned that I wanted a Kindle Fire.  Darn thing costs $200, and he willingly went ahead and got me one.  I should have kept my big mouth shut.  Now, DH is getting things he needs instead of stuff he would want while I got something really cool.

What makes me feel even more like a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of his shoe is that what I make from my part time job does not offer much in an income to get anything worthy of getting a childlike sparkle in DH's eyes this Christmas.  Where did my Christmas spirit go?  I know that it should not be about how much you spent of the gift, but it should focus on the thought more.  Apparently, I have little depth of thought.  I should have saved up for this time of year and really blew him away with something awesome.  Then I realized, I am just like the masses of people that commercialized the season of Christmas.... placing value on what to give.  Talk about feeling like a child buying a plastic trinket for their parents and getting something really cool and expensive from them....  What makes it really sad is that I am the child in this scenario compared to DH's generosity.

I believe that there is a lesson learned through all of this....  Either I need to plan farther in advance for the commercialized aspect of Christmas or talk my family into honing back the commercial end of the Christmas season and make our gifts instead of buying them...  You know, people buy what they want or what they need all the time... why not use a little imagination and make something instead?

Well, that or just appreciate our government and their drunken sailor spending ways with money that is not theirs to spend to slap people into becoming a little more creative when it comes to celebrating Christmas in the future.....

The inner workings of a saboteur....

After getting up this morning, I realized that today is yet another weigh-in day at my local Weight Watchers meeting.  I am really starting to hate the routine that I signed up for.  Now, while I have the ability to dream big when it comes to being vain enough to think that losing some weight is going to make me feel better about myself, but my ability to ignore the process is just that much stronger.  I am a saboteur of my dreams!

As you all are well aware, I have been struggling with the one thing that every woman struggles with....  their weight.  The tomboy in me is kicking the girly side of me for breaking my promise to avoid blogging on my mental floss blog about my journey of shortcomings when it comes to following, or at least trying to adhere to, the Weight Watchers lifestyle.  My inner saboteur has been playing a mighty strong hand in stalling that evil scale from going in the direction I want it to go.... DOWN!  Probably because I am having a hard time accepting that there are some blessed people that have zero weight issues and can eat anything and never think twice about it.  I know that there are plenty of people that are silently working on their own weight demons, but can still have just about anything to eat and still succeed.

The Weight Watchers lifestyle consists of living by a plan that albeit is flexible, is very controlled.  Food scales, measuring devises and a value for every food is in place.  While fruits and vegetables (well, most of them) are called "free foods", there is a lot of planning that comes to play to figure what point values are and how many of those points are allowed to be eaten.  You see, each individual is given a number to follow....  This is called their "daily points" that they are required to eat.  Supposedly, this is to teach you where your limitations are.  Now, since the program is flexible in your choices, you are strongly urged to make the right choices... whatever they may be.  That is where I am really sabotaging like a pro.  I have followed the plan like a pro for the first month or so and fell off the WW (aka Weight Watcher) wagon.  The last time I looked in the mirror, I was not a rabbit.  I am so sick of fruits and vegetables that when the family weekly grocery shopping trip comes about, I cringe in the fresh produce section.  These are my "free" foods and are strongly urged to be consumed daily (5 servings a day minimum) and I am running out of ideas to convince me that this is what I should be craving instead of chocolate.... yeah, right (in my most of sarcastic of tone)!  Now, since the plan is flexible, I am not denied anything, so I can have chocolate, but am I willing to sacrifice the points?  Being a borderline hypoglycemic person, I cannot starve myself for the sake that I wasted 6 points on a little candy bar, so I deny myself the candy bar.  Healthy food is not as appealing as convenience stuff, so there is another notch against the WW way.

Being the professional saboteur, I found yet a few other roadblocks that have derailed my WW journey...  The economy, picky eaters (DD and DH), and my back.  The economy makes it real hard to buy what I need to eat because my picky eaters refuse to join me on a healthier journey and it will rot before I get to consume it all and not totally hate it by the end of the week.  DD and DH's menu choices make it hard to eat anything really different and healthy since their main staples are cheese, processed meat, pasta and potatoes.  My back as been the constant reminder that going to the gym while dealing with a back spasm so mild that I can function from day to day is taking a risk that I will end up in traction.  So basically, I have hit the point that I hate food, I have virtually no correct options to work with that offer variety to interest me to eat, and lazy tendencies out of fear that pushing just a little bit will land me in a back brace.  Then, of course, just add on the female DNA issue of wanting to get to my goal weight yesterday, irregardless that I have a long way to go nagging my every thought.  Mix in the winter blues, the holidays we cannot afford, and there you have it... a ticking time bomb of self destruction.  Stress eating was my only escape, but I have resorted back to nail biting, too....  Just waiting for me to explode because imploding is no longer an option...HA HA HA!!

Well, I did step on the scale this morning and that darn time of the month is due to commence because I am bloated, thus creating another little gain on the scale.  I just hate to go in to get weighed at WW on a bloating week.  Their sunny disposition makes me want to go postal and their "Oh" comment makes me want to cry.  I do have to face it because my life is far from perfect and gaining weight is what I am best at apparently.  I just hate being a stress eater when thing do not go my way....  Just another reason to crave that darn chocolate!  UGH!

Well, off to face the music scale....  Have a great day everyone!

Choices....

Well, today is DH's birthday.... Happy birthday to him!... Cradle robber...LOL

I figured that if I was to get married, I would have married someone around my age.  I really doubt that a 5 year difference is all that much, but when you get this crazy notion that there is a partner for every person, it makes you wonder...

I have heard stories, albeit really sappy ones, about a boy knowing that this one girl is going to be the one he marries from just one look.  I seriously doubt that looking at a baby is the deciding factor in your "soul mate", but there have been stories of mere children, too young to know better, making that decision.  While some did happen, others were forgotten once something better came along.  Now, I am not saying that DH picked me out of a lineup of babies when he was 5 years old and made that decision... because it was not like that at all.  Here is my little story of how I became his wife.....  Just if you were interested in knowing...LOL

In September of 1995, I was going through a nasty breakup of sorts and decided that I needed to clear my head by going to have a beer or two.  A fairly new bar was in my town and figured that it was as good as any to give it a try.  I really did not want to run into anyone I knew because it was my chance to sort my thoughts on my own.  As I am not a huge fan of "meat market" bars, I came upon what I thought was a sports bar.  Watching sports while unwinding with a beer is just what I needed.  Well, it was a sports bar and a meat market in one, but I already got my beer and a spot at the bar, so I decided to stay.

Out of the corner of my eye, I manage to see a group of guys walk in.  As I am trying to ignore their entrance, I hear one of the guys try to order an Old Style.  As I gagged a little over his request, I could not help but giggle.  This guy was quirky beyond all recognition.  As he proceeded to rib the bartender over the fact that their establishment does not sell what he considered, "the champagne of beers"and that he "guesses" he will take a MGD, he notices my giggling.  Now, he could have considered me a mental case because I was not giggling with a friend, but his curiosity got the best of him and he took the seat next to me and started asking questions.  My only reply was that he just made me laugh because I thought Old Style was (in the cleaner of terms), "pee water".  As we played the semantics game, bantered back and forth, and laughed some more, I get the bar stool kicked out from under me.  Stupid me had the habit of wrapping my legs around the legs of the stool and fell over, being caught by some mini body builder that asks me if I like short guys.  I did my best in telling him, "no" and realized that this little fiasco was just what I needed to get my head on straight.  My sarcastic wit kicked in and "Mr. Old Style" (as I called him), and I bantered back and forth.  Laughs took over and he decides to offer to change the oil in my car for me.  He proceeds to tell me that he owns a garage in Palatine (my hometown) and figured he would at least get to see me again.  Thinking this is some lousy attempt at a pick up line, I took his business card and forgot about it.

Weeks went by and somehow "Mr. Old Style" seemed to show up everywhere I was.  Thinking I was being stalked, I confronted him and learned quite quickly that he was not, but he was glad that I had such good taste in drinking establishments.  After roughly a half a dozen attempts to get me to take my car in to get the oil changed, I caved in and decided to let him do that for me.  Even though I already knew how to change the oil in my car because of my admiration of my big brother I learned how do that.  I did look up to my brother for a lot of things, but I doubt he really ever noticed.  Thinking that "Mr. Old Style" was no threat, I figured that he has been a good friend and only wanted to help.

After quite a few beers on a Friday night, we agreed to get my oil change the next day.  Being one to keep my promises, I dragged my hungover self to his garage.  "Mr. Old Style" was dragging his heels to get there and saunters in looking for coffee.  He looks up and sees me standing there with one of his employees and announces the obvious... "You look like crap".  My reply was, "You don't look much better".  And there it is....  I get an oil change and an honest "compliment", if you want to call it.  The rest was filled with laughter, his clumsy antics and a proposal that I accepted.  Well, that is... until the "I do's" were exchanged.  Being married changes the dynamic of the friendship we have.

I do have one corny thing to share.....  When I was waiting for him to get to the garage and change my oil, his employee that was there did share one thing with me.....  The day after he first met me and kicked out the bar stool from under me... he was kicking himself.  He told this guy that he met the woman he wants to marry and kicks the stool out from under her.  He thought he "screwed the goose" when he did that.  I can only gather that he was quite relieved that I have a sense of humor because I did marry him.  If I didn't, it can only make a person wonder where my choice would be.

I just feel sorry for our daughter because the days of romance and sweeping a girl off her feet did not apply to the story about how her parents met.....  Well, I was swept off my feet.  Just not in the conventionally romantic way....

Thanks for reading....

Has it really been a year???

Good morning everyone!  Well, it is almost a year since I started blogging and out of curiosity I ventured back into my "journey shared".  A thought came across my mind....  I wonder what the people reading my blogs thought....

While I have heard many compliments, I have also heard that my writing has become something of a relevance topic....  Everyone has experiences similar to mine.  The feelings were relative, as were the thought process that came from them.  While I have been known to be a little overly critical of myself and a extremely deep thinker, I wonder if my writing has offered a little in depth thinking for you and your journey called life.  Analogies seem to be a strong suit today as I mention what I feel is a fact.....  The journey of life is an endless string of experiences that twist, turn, and change in accordance to the choices we make.  There is no end to our journey until our last breath is taken; there are no moments of inadequacy as long as we take every experience as a stage in the learning process....  While we strive for what we truly desire, what we do have is what we need in order to grow.  It may not be exactly what we want or need, but it is what we need to have at this moment in our lives.

As I started my journey of blogging, my initial purpose was to share the inner workings of either an idiot savant or a really late bloomer in life.  As of today, I really do not know.  I just look at my inner workings as a work in progress and seeking that release of curiosity or sharing my muse when the urge strikes.  I have managed to receive some comfort that my random acts of sharing my thoughts are nothing out of the ordinary and that people do relate.  There is comfort in knowing that I am not alone.  It is even more comforting when opinions can be shared to shed light where it seems to be dark.

Apparently, my desire to share came on a day where I should have focused elsewhere.  Looking back at the beginning, I realized that I started blogging on DH's birthday (December 15).  I guess that I can stake claim for celebration, not just for me, but to DH as well.  Tomorrow marks one year of my blogging history and another year that DH has graced this Earth.  After realizing the strange connection where that date stands, I feel that life has more intricate fibers that bind things together.  On a more sarcastic note...  Isn't it so interesting that the day I started blogging about my frustrations is the same day DH turned a year older and closer to the male version of Menopause that we call "the midlife crisis"?  Who knows, maybe his odd antics of frustrating the snot out of me was the start of his midlife crisis and my desire to find answers for why I was feeling so alone?  The world may never know, but it is an interesting topic to maybe look deeper into.  Maybe, and I am just offering a maybe, the driving force to this blog is really about one woman's journey through the male midlife crisis and the insecurities that it is capable of causing.  This just might be worthy of a grant to research this topic?  NOT...LOL  Financially, I would never offer a dime to study this, but chances are there is a dollar amount our government is doling out just for that.  No wonder why our government is financially hemorrhaging....  I think there are still grants of funds researching really stupid stuff that they cannot pull the plug on that we do not know about.  On a side note, I do know that there is a study group being paid to gather information on how the economy is affecting the middle class.  Nice to know that our tax dollars are hard at work for a "think tank" that obviously has not thought too much about the subject at hand.

So, for those that have managed to just start reading my "mental floss", here is a recap of some topics that are still a work in progress.....  I am still trying to find my "inner awesome",  I am still lousy at that "I win, you lose" game, my tomboy tendencies tend to get me into trouble when it comes to effective communication, and I will most likely have something to wonder about worthy of sharing.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

Results from effort....

This morning, I was back to my usual events (making DD's breakfast, lunch and the repetitive reminding that it is almost time to go to school).  "Little miss heel dragger" needs to be reminded that school waits for no one.  I swear, I think she takes pride in driving me nutty with her disorganized ways.  Well, I know that the apple does not fall that far from the tree as I grab my purse, fondly called the black hole, to seek out my keys, but I at least will make the time to clean out that monstrosity from time to time.  It would be nice to have DD be a little more like her father with his thought process of pulling things out that he will be needing and putting them away where they belong when he is finished.  Well, for the most part, that is...  I still can't break him of the habit of leaving his dirty socks on the floor next to his side of the bed.  Knowing I cannot teach that "old dog" a "new trick", I have only one recourse of leaving those socks where he left them because if he wants clean socks... he knows were the dirty ones should go and will eventually get them there.  I see his little defiant nature about those darn socks comes from silently arguing semantics with me.  I may have to clean his clothes, but I don't wear them nor put his dirty stuff on the floor to pile up and not get cleaned.  This maid has her limits, ya know...

Well, back to what I was getting to....

As I made DD's lunch, I had to go into her backpack to get her lunchbox.  A sheet that graded her recent project about Egypt and her topic about Mummification fell out.  This was the first time I refused to offer my opinion about her project to make changes because I knew that she cranked that thing out in an afternoon.  She yet again dragged her heels and the results were in the grade she received....  She got a "D".

In total embarrassment for her poor grade, she kept her head down as she get to the car.  Fearing that the wrath of Mom was to commence, I realized that she does not need a lecture from me.  All I managed to tell her is what I saw for her project and grade was a direct result of Einstein's Theory of Relativity....  For every action, there is an equal or greater reaction.  In her case, it was her inability to act enough that caused her the poor grade.  It is nobody else's fault, but hers for her lack of effort and she needs to accept the consequential poor grade.  I did point out that if there was a little more effort and pride in her project, she could have gotten a better grade.

As she looked away, I know that she was rolling her eyes at my comment.  She refuses to see that Mom knows best, but as I write this.... I know that I have roughly another 20 years or so before she finally gets it.  Sink or swim, baby girl.....  It only gets harder from here.

I am no superhero....

Good morning!  The weekend is almost over in my book and then it is back to the hustle and bustle of what the week has to offer.  The last couple of weeks were interesting.  I learned yet another lesson...

I am not a superhero, but I seem to act like one quite well for my family.  The fairly recent events of heads butting and feeling like I had the rug ripped out from under me are starting to become nothing less than a memory.  Family life is improving, on the surface, and I seemed to have weathered yet another storm.  When the old saying goes... "what does not kill us, makes us stronger", we tend to not see the relevance until things are put to the test.  Little did I know that what I saw were my feeble attempts to smoothing over the collision that DD and DH had were actually not feeble at all.  In fact, they were successful on improving the dynamic of our dysfunctional family.  You see, we tend to have an issue when it comes to communication of feelings.  When something bothers us, we hold it in until there is a breaking point.  When that point hits, it has potential for poor judgement and is capable of creating destruction in its wake.

Now, while we have not perfected the system we have when it comes to communication, we seem to have a better grasp on handling the stress release that causes people to freak out and make the challenge we will continue to face bearable until the outside forces finally ease.  The financial status is still strained, but there is a better understanding that facing things like that alone is far worse than trying to survive them together.  All it takes is just a little appreciation for what is done so far and acknowledge that the sacrifices need to be done by all.

While, I will admit I have been pretty calm and non-confrontational through all of this... It has been brought to my attention that I lack strong reaction skills.  Hearing raw emotion over financial concerns from DH and the thought that parting ways might offer some financial relief, albeit a poor excuse to divide a family, should have caused for me to completely freak out, but it didn't.  As people have asked me why I seem so calm over something like that, I realized that my ability to overcome the urge to react as others would think I should comes from being desensitized....  or it is some twisted form of Stockholm syndrome.  I see that the track record of a little over 4 years of the same issues, the same inability to effectively communicate, and the different views of how to resolve the situation, is what a person can say is nothing less than continual exposure that, while at first, would react as expected, becomes nothing less than something you become accustomed to.  Kind of like exposing children to seeing violence and noticing that your child in today's age is far less affected than when we were children.  You see it on TV, you see it in video games and you hear about it on the news.

Mild violence was the gateway to becoming more tolerant to the animal like nature of man.  Remember the Saturday morning cartoons growing up?  Bugs Bunny, the Roadrunner, Donald Duck and the others like them offered entertainment to children.  Albeit mild in violence, we were humored by their potential harmful antics.  Nowadays, there is Pokemon and Marvel Comics coming to life with violence far stronger than our staples of cartoon watching back in the day.   Remember shows like Batman and the Brady Bunch?  Painfully corny shows that sheltered us from what real life was about.  Punches by Batman and Robin hidden by large cartoon exclamations of "Pow, Bam, Boom and the ever elusive Kapow and Blotto".  We rarely ever saw blood or a solid punch.  Swearing was a major no-no in the Brady household.  Calling someone or something "stupid" was almost a criminal offence.  TV nowadays allows some very colorful words that if it was said on the Brady Bunch, I would have no doubt that a little talking to would suffice.  The change was gradual, but in comparison, it is huge.  Sex was never seen on TV, but the door was opened through Soap Operas and more streamlined to mask reality television.  Sex, drugs, violence and mayhem is becoming more accepted forms of entertainment.  Reality TV is starting to break down barriers of privacy, the mainstream media has become biased, and even music has been placed blame for violence, suicide and mental instability.  So all avenues of entertainment have been tainted over the years and we have become more resilient to less than kind actions.  In fact, we have become tougher to handle those challenges.  We just never seemed to notice how resilient to these things we are now.  On a side note... I so find it comical that when there was less violence and swearing in entertainment, we had less political correctness.  Now since the tables are turned, we are required to be more PC, but exposing ourselves to more violence and mayhem.

Video games expanded.  There were just simple games like "Pong", Tetris and mind-building games of the like.  It expanded to more violent games that show guns, cannons, flame throwers, blood and sex appeal that, back in my day, were never imagined to ever exist.  While we still have "the classics", there has been an overwhelming level of acceptance of more violent games.  Probably due to the fact that the graphics are far superior and is capable of creating adrenaline.  While I believe that games like that are usually used solely for entertainment, it does bring to mind that sex, drugs and violence is becoming more appealing to our younger generation.  I do not know if that concerns you, but is sure concerns me.

As I mentioned to people, and as the title of this blog...  I am no superhero, but I seem to possess some superhero qualities.  Keeping a level head was not exactly my strong suit, but it has come to my attention that I have strength when I thought I had none.  Now if only the ones I love could avoid pushing my buttons in how I defend my actions, reactions or lack there of, I can show how strong I can possibly be.  I cannot save the world, but I can adapt to survive the best I can and do my best to understand that I alone cannot think for others in their journey of finding solutions.  I can only be there to support you and help when I can....  That is what I am capable of doing.

Thanks for reading :)

Aren't you glad.....

You know that your child strives to make their parents happy when they constantly ask for your approval.  DD is no exception to the rule.  She happens to have this one thing that she does, albeit annoys me, does offer some comfort that she still shares things with me by her daily announcements of... "aren't you glad I..."  Believe me, they can range from "Aren't you glad I did my homework, Mom?" to "Aren't you glad I cleaned my room?" and everything in between.  I guess when it starts to become an annoyance is when she feels compelled to seek pride from her mother when she brushes her teeth and takes a shower.  Although, I appreciate the updated information about what DD has done or is about to do, I really do not think it needs to be over trivial things that have to be done, like hygiene.

Well, I guess my annoyance hit a peak this morning while taking her to school.  I was lacking my 30 minutes of quiet time to get over the fact that it is morning again.  You see, I am not a morning person.  The people that happen to see me all cheerful and ready to face the day do not realize that I get up pretty early to shelter them from the wrath of the non-morning person that I happen to be.  I am not a coffee drinker, I do not desire to exercise at the crack of dawn, and there is no other activity that I can do to have a cheerful look on my face when I am waking up.  I just need a quiet, smooth transition with nothing that can be remotely annoying to get me to my sunny disposition I shine every day.  Seeing a smiling face when I am not ready to smile takes me at least 30 minutes to control my urge to do or say something to wipe that smile off their face and ruin their day.  DH and DD are both aware of my situation and usually leave me to my morning vises of peace and quiet for my start of the day.  On Sundays I will just jump into making their breakfast because those two morning people have already been up well before I drag my grumpy tush out of bed.  Once they are off doing whatever they choose to do, I take the time to take a deep breath, find my happy place, and join the ranks of the living.

Well, back to what happens when DD decides to share one of her, "aren't you glad" statements.  As I am driving her the few blocks to school because even though she is a morning person, she tends to drag her heels to get to school, thus requiring me to drive her there... she says to me.... "aren't you glad I took my shower last night?"   Being the non-morning person I am, came out with a reply that I fear will make her think twice about sharing her hygienic triumphs....  "Sure, I am glad sweetie that you took your shower last night... and so is everyone else that has to be around you."  Fortunately, my sarcasm was laid on pretty thick and she laughed at my response.  After dropping her off in the "tuck and roll" fashion that we tend to do so I can avoid the mayhem of the parking lot at her school, I couldn't help but laugh, too.  As for the "tuck and roll" drill in the morning..... Well, it only took me a little over a year to realize that I could avoid the mayhem in the parking lot since her door to enter the school is at the corner of the building closest to the street. All I have to do is stop on the side of the street and let her jump out and go.  We call it "tuck and roll" because it depends on if I can fully stop or not... Just kidding.... I get to make a complete stop because the mayhem in the parking lot offers no exiting traffic that I would hamper.

So in closing, I wanted to add my own little "aren't you glad" comment.....  "Aren't you glad I managed to find a moment to laugh well before my 30 minutes of morning transition was up?"  I know DD is.....

May you find your moment to laugh when you are not in the right frame of mind to do so.....

Thanks for reading :)

Is this the meaning of life???

Good morning.  As I yet again swallow down another prescribed "horse pill" sized antibiotic I started to ponder on a very large and broad picture of things.  I even took the time to look back at my blog posts and realized something along the way.....  Life is what you get from it.  There is no secret to eternal happiness, there is no magic pill to correct imperfections, and what we are willing to take from the experiences we have are the learning tools that make us stronger.

Think about it...  If we never got our heart broken, we never would have known what love is.  If we were never played the fool, we would have never learned that we can be vulnerable.  If we never laughed, cried or got angry, we would have never experienced emotions.  If we never took chances, we would never learn.  While all the bumps, bruises, broken bones, cuts and scrapes are our remembrances of living life, we at times tend to overlook the journeys we have taken.  You know, the ones that made us think.

As this journey of my blogging began, I was seeking an outlet for bottled up thoughts and concerns.  I have had a great track record of being a good listener, but never an eloquent speaker.  I lack the talent to write sarcasm well, I tend to over think things, and I am capable of making small things into something bigger than it really is.  Well, that and I seem to explain things a little deeper than necessary.  What I saw as my own personal little Hell was nothing more than what every person manages to experience somewhere in their life.  Struggles and strife are what everyone goes through.  While there are some that managed to perfect the smoke and mirrors effect to make it seem that life is just a bowl of pit-less cherries, there are others that stand with the tried and true rule that parents have passed down from generation to generation.... If you have nothing nice or positive to say, then say nothing.  I somehow have managed to fail miserably in hiding feelings. I look at myself as this is who I am... love me or leave.  I am generous to a fault, I care deeper than most, and I always look for the good in every person I meet.  I can be opinionated, but never take my own advice.  Some days I am a ticking time bomb of emotions while others I just really cannot think of constructing a simple sentence.  I even am the most willing victim of taking the blame even if it is not my fault.  What I do appreciate is that there are people that believe that I have a talent and enjoy what I write about.  In fact, I have noticed that people actually like to have me around... faults and all.

So as I write this, I am recalling some things that apparently I am a slow learner at....  That "I win, you lose" game was the one on the top of my list.  I find it comical that it has been stated that this is a game best played by women.  In all honesty, if that is true... I found some incredibly talented men that play that game better than I could have ever imagined to play.  While things like that gave me major moments of "ah ha", I have to admit that my "tomboy" tendencies put me ahead of the curve when it comes to trying to communicate with men.  I seem more apt to see the reason between their two modes of communicating with women...  "fix it" or "defend their actions".  While men admit that their inner workings are far less complex than women's, it baffles women anyway.  We never tend to take what they say as their honesty.  I should know...  I have that same mentality when people talk to me.  It usually takes me a few moments to figure if this person is venting or needing my assistance.  Sadly, I lost the ability to wait when it comes to DH and his random rants, thus causing yet another rift in our communication dynamic when my choice of action is the wrong one.  Also, looking back at my youth, I never thought of being in a relationship as long as I have been in with DH.  We are almost embarking on 16 years together and 14 of them married.  As we all know, marriage is a major commitment that takes more effort compared to a dating relationship.  Some days, I actually miss the simplicity of dating, but not the lulls in the dating scene.  I find it comical that my first experience of being in a rebound relationship resulted in me getting married.  I never would have figured that to happen.  No complaints that I did get married... well, not as many as I can see to scare people into never getting married.

So for those that still seem to be on the quest for the meaning of life...  Take a step back and look around.  Even look within yourself.  The meaning of life is what we make of it.  What we do with it is our personal choice.  Yes, there will be disappointments, there will be challenges too big to tackle, there will be moments of wonderment, but there are also moments we learn from.  We just need to take the time to focus on our own big picture.

Thanks for reading...

Where is the quality?

Yesterday, I spent a large amount of the day with my mom.  Christmas is fast approaching and she needed my help in finding something for DD.  Knowing that this year, like last year, DD has shown no interest in anything in particular.  She has not been in the Christmas spirit and I cannot blame her.  I am even feeling the twinge of remorse that our family has to face yet again another financial challenge we cannot plan ahead for.  Knowing that DH feels unappreciated for his efforts, I believe that he is not expecting anything this year, but I already have a plan in action.  Sadly, it will not be in such grand of nature as I have done in the past because we just cannot afford any luxury items.  In the past, DH would offer a suggestion and I would be running to get that item for him.  That is the way I always did my Christmas shopping when it came to him.  Here are a few things I have managed to figure from a mere few words and what the gift ended up being.....

Our first year of marriage, he commented (in a joking way) that he hates to shovel snow.  Even though the previous two winters were mild, I had the feeling that a big snowfall was going to happen and bought him a snow blower.  Needless to say, my gut feeling for a heavy snowfall was correct and he got tons of use out of it.  He still has that snow blower and has added on two more that he salvaged over the years.  Other years pretty much followed suit.  Sadly, it was always something he needed for the house.  As the years came and went, he has gotten a shop vac that has a pump to handle the aftermath of getting flooded, a new huge toolbox with extra tools just for those necessary maintenance things at home, and those were just the ones that I felt were necessary, practical and sadly, were impersonal.  Kind of like buying someone a vacuum cleaner when they wished for something different.  The years that he has been cryptic in his needs, he has gotten the only things I can think of that he may need... like a new winter coat, clothes, and new boots.  He even got toys that lit up because that seemed to put a sparkle in his eyes like a child.  Call him "odd", but that is the way he is and I appreciate that... keeps me young, I think ;)

Now, this year, being in DEFCON-5 for tightening the budget, I sought out something that he would appreciate and to remind him that I do listen and appreciate all that he does for this family.  Figuring that it needs to be personal and from the heart is very difficult for a guy that prefers to always have the basics, I looked high and low for something and ended up buying him PJ's that he probably won't wear, new socks and underwear so he will feel compelled to part with the ones that are not even worthy to be cut up into rags. Believe me, there would be virtually no effort in cutting them up.  They are being held by a mere thread.  Frustrates the snot out of me to wash and try to fold stuff like that, so this is the route that I ended up taking.  so needless to say, my efforts have fallen short in the gift area.

As for seeking out what DD could possibly like and need was the other half of my seek and buy mission for Christmas.  I figured that clothes was a safe bet.  I mentioned other things that were still feasible in our budget, but expensive in our eyes to the rest of the family.  I was just sickened at the notion that clothes that look ready to become rags is the fashion.  The 80's have returned... "ripped" shirts and pants are all the rage.  Makes me wonder if the economy has a major pull in what is fashionable because I know that people are struggling, but do we need to pay full price to look like we are destitute?  Shirts so thin and thread barren that it would take three or four layers to remote something close to offering some warmth?  Jeans that are frayed in a way that there are actual holes in them?  Apparently, bejeweling them makes it less of a rag, right?
In my mind, I wondered.... Where is the quality?  Where is the sensibility in clothes?  Shopping for this tween is getting harder and harder.  Especially in clothes...  Your choices are slutty and barely offers any coverage or tattered and ready for the garbage.  What I see as quality is getting less and less.

Deciding that I cannot be "that" mom that buys those sweaters that can cause to get your child beaten up, I swallowed my pride and sought out the least offensive and least ragged items available.  I cringed looking at the price tag for these "tatters" and realized that it has to be the economy influencing the fashion trends.  A poorly made "fake fur" coat costs $300, but a warn out down coat can go for between $30 and $60.  Jeans that look older than my child with tatters and rips, albeit bejeweled, go for $25 and shirts that look like a lawnmower won the battle on them are going for $15 to $30.  Sweaters are getting thinner and thinner, too.  Paying full price for a sweater that uses less yarn does not seem worth the purchase, but after an hour or so walking around in a shock induced haze, I think I was close to hitting the mark in the parameters of what I deem acceptable.  I can only hope she likes what I got her.

As I thought more about this holiday and the stress it causes, I made the executive decision of what I am telling DH and DD what I want for Christmas......  I want absolutely nothing.  I want them to feel a little less on the poor side and save that money.  Just offer a little more help at home and a really good hug is all I need.

At least DH can breathe a little easier this year.  All of the gifts I purchased were out of the money I earned at my part time job and has no effect on our budget.  No credit cards were used in this venture and deep consideration was placed in what was purchased.  I just hope that DH realizes that the biggest gift that I felt is most heartfelt for him is taking on our family's gifts without using his hard earned money and asking for nothing in return.  What I really want for Christmas is a happy family and that is something you cannot buy.

Being blindsided.....

As I posted about the torrential storm that his my home last night, I needed to have a little more release today.  As I prepare for a day at my part time job, still feeling under the weather, the medicines making me nauseous (or it could be feeling a bit blindsided last night causing a stress induced sick feeling in the pit of my stomach), and the extreme tired feeling I am experiencing because I did not sleep all that well...  I need to have my emotions in check before walking through the door.  Dealing with people that come to me for a hair service do not need to see me break down in tears, shake in fear and tell them my woes.

Last night, before DH went to bed, he shared with me his torn and stressful situation.  Feeling unappreciated for the sacrifices he makes, he is feeling scared and confused.  His desire for a happy family is crumbling around him and has seriously thought of walking away from his family and his marriage.  He figures that if he and I went our separate ways, we would be happier.  I am not sure what got him to think that life would be easier if we were apart, but he did assure me that his desire to stay has kept him trying to make things better.  Even though the idea of going our separate ways still rings in his head.  That discussion he gave me about how torn he is blindsided me big time.

For quite a while we have been struggling financially, but we seemed to get along... for the most part.  Since his heart issue in July, the perspective of what matters and what doesn't has made a difference in our lives.  The quarrels, the snide remarks, the feeling alone that I suffered changed.  I was not as alone as I thought.  DH made some serious lifestyle changes that offered relief in the forever battle of his coming home late after a few beers every night.  His little stress reliever was taken away because his health meant more than those beers.  He quit smoking, he became more active, he actually started eating foods that I thought he hated... like bananas.  I never saw him eat a piece of fruit willingly... ever.  He was coming home earlier and having a beer was no longer a daily thing.  His perspective about life changed.  He learned to let things go and appreciate each and every day he wakes up to, or so he says.  Now I wonder.  I gather that a near death experience is the driving force to change your outlook on everything.  As I have never had one, I can only guess, but I can say that the threat of losing him made me change my attitude about things.  All those things that I thought were big issues became nothing more than a little annoyance that can be tolerated.  Somehow, that experience we both had, created a more content and happier co-existence.  I still had a minor struggle with my demons of insecurity, but it was far less consuming in my day.

Still leaning on stressful habits like biting my nails and trying to escape through playing computer games, I noticed that there is something boiling under the surface.  DH was hiding the stress of our finances as well as he could and trying to control his angered outbursts over our bills when money was needed to be spent.  I can only guess that my actions were an indirect reaction to a situation that we both are trying to face...  Making ends meet and at least function in a manner that appears that we are doing fine, or so I thought.

Maybe the blindsided feeling is because I have been believing what we have been portraying.  We have not been fighting, we keep our conversations light, and with a different look of things after the scare we had mere months ago... we tried to remain in denial that there is anything wrong, or at least he was trying, I thought we were doing okay.  Little did I know that ignorance is not bliss when problems are being swept under the rug.  Believe me, I was fully aware of our financial issue all along.  I just never figured that the desire to quit was there in his mind.  You see, strong people face challenges and never try to find an easy out.  They are determined to see it through, no matter how difficult it can become.  Quitting is not the answer, but determination to make it work is.  As I look back almost 4 years ago, I had my moment of throwing my hands in the air and handing the financial reigns to DH.  I was tired and frustrated with being blamed that I was wasting money while he was taking a huge pay cut.  The fighting and bickering over who was right and who was wrong resulted in me relinquishing the one thing I managed best to show him proof that our financial woes were not my fault, but his willingness to make sacrifices without thinking it through.  For years, he had no clue how much things cost.  He just knew that the bills were paid and never realized that his sacrifices depleted our savings.  I did what I could with the lack of income we had. He had to know that communication is key.  Being blissfully ignorant to what happens in our home was no longer an option.  He had to realize that his willing sacrifice had repercussions.  What blew my mind is that I am not a shopaholic, nor I ever made any large purchase (over $100) without permission first, but was placed blame anyway.  Now, we do all the shopping together to keep our budget in check and still I get the blame that everything is so expensive.

I just wonder where he got this idea that if we were to part ways, we would be better off.  I figured that married couples get divorced because they no longer love each other, not something like this.  I asked him over and over if this desire is because I did something wrong.  I even asked him if he still loved me.  The only answer I got is that it is not me, he still loves me, but it is the situation... our financial situation.  I really do not see this being a solution because we have a child together.  Tearing our family apart over something we have no control over, like the job market and the economy, does not make the situation any better.

As the conversation ended and he went to bed, I was assured that parting ways is not what either of us want, but I fear that he just might succumb to the notion and walk away because he has no more fight in him to stay.  I do hope and pray that God hears my plead for relief.  That things will get better financially and that the stress does not get the best of us.  My God offer his grace and help us before it is too late because I am really scared.  I know that life does not give us what we want, but offers us what we need.  I just hope and pray that life can offer just a little more so we can breathe a little easier.

Who is to blame?

This evening, at approximately 8:30pm, something that feels so devastating came to the surface.  It all started with DD and DH having a fallout of sorts.  Being as reasonable parents as we can be resulted in a communication gap that I fear cannot be fixed.  Having a "tween" in the house is difficult.  Too young to have real teen angst, but too mature to call it a phase or fit of a child.  It is a stage that seems to be very dark and very alone.  Believing that nobody understands seems to be the culprit, but too scared or stubborn to make the attempt to be heard is not the solution.  Heads butting when it comes to trying to understand.  Screaming matches that make me cringe, then tearful silence with no real resolution as the body tires from pent up frustration.  Trying to explain to DD that we, as parents, were there once and are willing to understand if given the chance.

The laid back and reasonable side of DH seemed to disappear.  His patience being painfully thin resulted in harsh words spoken.  Watching DD and DH stand toe to toe made me feel uncomfortable, but determined to at least try to smooth things over.  Sadly, my attempts were not successful as I hear both of their feelings.  Seeing a stubborn child have lack of faith that things could be better and seeing a stubborn, yet stressed husband express an internal battle that seems like a ticking time bomb on the ready to explode.  Knowing that I have absolutely no solution puts me on edge and fearful for every moment that follows this evening's events.  Questions racing through my head, trying to figure who or what is to blame, but knowing that there is no solid reason why things cannot be better and easier for them.

DD wanting just a little more leniency to an already lenient environment.  Her desire for detachment from her struggles results in her disconnecting from the two people that love her unconditionally and hide in a parental controlled virtual world via the computer.  With the lack of local friends her own age to see, she feels alone.  No social calendar filled with things to do, no siblings to share with, and supposedly out of touch parents, she bottles up her frustrations in silence in her room.  Her request that her room is her sanctuary and that the random visits by her parents should stop causes concern to me.

DH feeling stressed beyond what I figured he was tolerating turns out to be something that is tearing him up internally.  He loves and provides for his family with long hours and limited income to see the struggles of supporting the family he has.  The economic downfall has hit this house hard.  As he tries to keep things afloat financially, he feels that there is little appreciation for all that he does and the sacrifices that he makes for his family.  In fact, he feels that there is no appreciation whatsoever.  Feeling obligated to stay, but has the strong desire to walk away from it all has him feeling torn in trying to decide which would be best for everyone.  His heart issue has placed a major concern that the stress he keeps to himself is going to be the death of him.  Thinking, or better yet, assuming that nobody understands what he is going through has become his crutch that beats down all hope.

Feeling that everything is my fault is what I have been dealing with.  If I never married him, we would not have had a child, we would not have the struggles that we have, and maybe he would feel happier.  He would not have to worry about taking care of anyone else and the financial burden would possibly be less.  I have tirelessly tried to find something that can help support this family.  My part time job does not create a stable and consistent income.  A hairdresser making commission is a feast or famine career.  It offers no health benefits, no retirement plans, no paid vacations, no paid sick days, and no guarantees.  The economy has affected the opportunity for growth, client-wise, and regardless of what I offer as a discount does not guarantee a following or even in increase in what I can earn.  As I have feverishly tried to find more stable work, the agreement between DH and I to be a full time mother has made it difficult to find a job I qualify for since I was the one who changed my life and walked away from a career years ago.  Of course, the job market is no longer an employee market since there are only possibly a few jobs available and thousands of applicants.  I know that there are people more qualified than I am, possibly even just as driven to work hard, and available.  I placed my application with the local high school district for at least 5 jobs that I could be qualified to do only to be turned down.  I finally decided to try another route and place myself on their substitute list to offer my talents to cover when needed.  Needless to say, I have not been called in to work since my application in August.  I can't seem to get my foot in anywhere to even show my worth.  As no other prospects besides commission sales in a slumping economy, all I can do is wait and hope for an opportunity that can offer some consistent and stable income to ease the stress that DH is suffering.  Sadly, I would be less of the mother that is always there for their child, but I am willing to make the sacrifices if given the chance.  Anything to help my family.

DD finally admitted this evening that she dreads Christmas.  She fully understands that we have virtually nothing left to spend on frivolities like gifts or trinkets just because.  The constant denial for things has left a bitter taste in her mouth.  DH dreads the holidays.  The finances are just not there to offer much happiness.  I would love to help them both see that as long as there is love, there is no real need for excessive material things.  As DH told me that the new tires for my truck came from months of savings just to make sure that we have a safe vehicle during the upcoming snow covered winter months, I feel that I am just another liability in his life.  Even though he owns his business, there are expenses to having a business that need to be met; taxes to pay, employees to support, and equipment that needs to be maintained for the sake of safety.  As February is to be approaching, they need to build a safety net to keep their doors open for the slump in work happens that month.  All the while, still trying to keep the basic necessities to support his family.  Being the business owner, he is the first to make sacrifices for the greater good.  This business is his pride and joy he built from nothing.  Losing it would just kill him.  Wondering if he can support his family is causing pain that he cannot even share with me.

As the three of us suffer in silence the stress and inability to fix the issues because of fear, stubbornness, denial or lack of hope. I get to swallow down the fear, put on a brave face and keep trying to keep this family together.  I just do not know who is to blame for this misery.  I guess I need to take this one for the team.  I am used to being the one who is always wrong and can never do enough.