Back then and now.....

My daughter may look a lot like me, but she definitely shows traits of her father.  I was just not prepared to deal with how much she is like her father, academically.  You see, when it came to school and a person's academic career (yep, I am calling it a career - 13 years plus preschool and college, it is basically a long term commitment in my book), it is the focused one that really works hard that gains the most out of life.  We never really get it until we are all grown up, but it is true.  Jobs and salaries that we have potential to earn differ greatly when a good education is in place.  Nowadays, college is more and more prevalent in the working world.  No longer are the days of "entry level employment".  The degree in the 'school of hard knocks' no longer applies, you have to have an actual degree from a college or university to become something that is considered a career.  Flipping burgers is a job, being a doctor is a career....

When I was growing up, I had some pretty strict parents and for good reason.  They wanted their kids to have more than what they have out of life.  My mom never finished high school because her parents put her to work to support the family.  Times were different back then and I can see how history is capable of repeating itself.  Money was tight, in order to survive the great depression of the era, people put their dreams on hold of a higher education and sought out any work to bring in a wage.  Children were taking jobs to help support the family.  What we see as tough in today's age is nothing in comparison to that major crash of the economy.  My dad was off fighting in WWII in Austria.  I remember him telling me stories about his experience.  Life was hard back then.  Struggling like that makes a person hope for bigger and better things for their children.  Since my parents were so strict and I feared getting a good old fashioned whack for misbehaving, I took everything that my parents told me as a serious rule to follow....  Put your education first!!  Focus and do your best and with effort and hard work, you can become something great.  I hit the honor roll here and there, I even became a little lazy here and there when it came to schoolwork.  I was far from perfect, but I avoided getting a belt across my backside.  Fear is what made me driven.  As for DH, I am not sure why he had no fear of punishment, but he loved to be the class clown.

That is what I am up against when it comes to DD.  She loves being the class clown and makes each day at school a place to hone her comedic skills.  I have been getting plenty of notes from school about this and I feel that I am at an impasse.  How do I correct this?  Back in the day, I was driven by fear of getting painfully punished if I did not do well in school.  Nowadays, people have become more passive when it comes to punishments.  Hitting is no longer allowed.  Taking away privileges is not as effective because today's child just does not care.  I have tried reason, but how can a person reason with a child that refuses to listen?  Kids are prone to being in a constant 'feel good' state of mind.  They do whatever seems to be fun and pleasurable.  The focus on what is important is lax.  I remember thinking that my parents were just off their rocker when it came to telling me what is important and what is not.  Believe me, for a while, I thought my name was "your'e grounded" because of my defiant times.  I thought I knew it all back then.  Now I know different.  I just don't know how to get that point across to my good child with defiant tendencies.  Things are so different in comparison to when I was growing up.  I wonder if she will figure a way to get to her child to listen when she becomes a mother.  I fear that the fact is in everyones life, we tend to know more after the fact, but cannot get the younger generation to listen and learn from our mistakes.

Well.... DUH!

Morning folks!  I have been quiet for a few days because I really had nothing to blog about.

Well, today I decided to get this little tidbit off my chest.....

Ever wonder why people have a tendency to state the obvious as a question?  Are they really asking for you to have a Bill Engvall response of "here's your sign" at the end?  Or is it that they are so unsure about the obvious that they ask anyway?  There just happens to be times when everyone is going through basically the same thing and asking the obvious is what I like to call a "Well...DUH!" moment.

Here is my.... "Well... DUH" moment....

Been talking to the doctor a lot this winter.  Nope, I am not a hypochondriac, I just have been feeling quite "off" lately.  I have been fighting a cold that turned into a sinus infection and then into bronchitis for the past month or so.  The antibiotics appear to not be enough because I just can't shake this darn cough.  Believe me, I have long periods of zero cough, but once the urge rises to the occasion....  woah Nelly, I sound just awful.  I am not one to complain about being sick because I really do not want to be seeking sympathy or those, "get well real soon" comments on my Facebook wall.  Getting sick in the winter is just a fact of life.  I know that I am not contagious, so I can do all the things I need to do and be around people.  I made sure of that because what I have been going through is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy.

Besides that cough that does not want to go away, my female issue has made a repeat performance.  Darn thing is late again and I sought out more information regarding getting this thing back to normal.  The discussion with the doctor became a "well...DUH!" moment when he mentions that stress could be the culprit in why my body is consistently running late and needing another round of pills that I hate to take to become somewhat normal again.  This person had the courage to ask me if I am suffering from stress... REALLY?!?!  STRESS?!?!  I proceeded to tall the good old doc that stress is what gets me up in the morning and keeps me up half the night.

Really, how does one control stress?

Is it exercise?  Well, I have not been feeling well and I know that my luck consists of getting sick every time I go to the gym.  My current winter cold should be the indication that I have tried that already.
Is it taking a vacation?  HA!  The economy crushed that concept.  We forgot to budget out for a vacation since we are just making enough to survive in our own home.
Aromatherapy?  No dice for me.  Seems to do nothing to crack that wall of stress except make my house smell like lavender.  Seems to knock out DH.  He seems to nap all day while I am wide awake.
Talking it out?  Trying that, but it does not seem to ease up if you are thinking out it enough to talk about it.
Getting a massage?  HA!  Cannot afford that.
Going for a walk?  HA!  My whole body aches so much that moving around my house even hurts.  I have been downing Advil like tic-tacs, using Ben-Gay so much, I smell like minty gum.  Still can't seem to get relief.
Letting loose with a good cry?  HA!  I actually tried this morning and was not surprised that I have zero tears to shed.

I truly believe that if the events in my life were to go right for once, if I did not have to swallow down yet another disappointment, and get an actual break...  Maybe I could lower the stress enough to feel a bit better.  Sadly, I am internally suffering, things never seem to go right no matter how I try and getting a break from constantly being on my A-Game is not an option.  Darn hormones are really messing with me and I am not prepared to get DH to learn how to duck and run just yet.  Just gotta remember to breathe and be thankful that I at least woke up above ground.  Baby steps is necessary.  It just has to get better, right?

Well, I did share one sarcastic thought with the good old doc.....  "I would not be so stressed if my hormones that seem to be sluggish or misfiring as I was told and felt normal for once.... I think I would be a little less stressed.  Now, in your infinite wisdom doc, how do you fix that without pills and have this happen naturally?"  Well, he was stumped.

Note to self moment...

I try to be that kind of parent that is honest about everything to my daughter.  If she happens to ask, I believe that she is ready to hear the truth.  When it comes to most things, I am brutally honest and I will share facts that back up what I am talking about.  The reason I do that is because even though she looks a lot like me, she is her father.  I really do not know all that much about how mt husband was raised, but when it comes to his mother... she can do no wrong.  I truly believe that if she was to tell him that the sky is purple, he would believe her.  As for me, if I was to tell him that the sky is blue, he would think I am off my rocker.  That is where I would have to take him outside and point his face towards the sky and help him come to the same conclusion that I have when I say that the sky is blue and not purple.  Apparently, my knowledge does not hold water with him at times.  I guess that is why when I complain about my back hurting, he thinks I have made it up.  If only I could show him the pain I feel, then maybe he would take my word for it.  Sadly, there is no test that can tell me, or better yet show him that I have back issues.  Well, that is something for another story at another time.

Onward about being honest with my daughter.  Well, there are some things that I try to be a little more vague in my answer.  It is still the truth, but it does not include the gory details.  I always believed that honesty is essential.  If my daughter learns things through another avenue, it just might tarnish me in a way that I could not be trustworthy for advise.  Trust is very important when you have a child.  If they cannot trust you, then how do you know that you can trust them to make good judgments?  Every child will make mistakes in life and every loving parent will be there for them.  It is the protective parent that educates their child about the dangers and hopes that they listen.  While some things may not actually be dangerous, but having a good solid base of knowledge helps them make better choices.  Just telling your son or daughter to "say no to drugs", is not necessarily going to be enough to stop them accepting drugs from people that they call their friends.  They need to understand about the honest risks and dangers with drugs.  Letting them know that peer pressure is always going to be there, but it takes a stronger person to stand up for themselves.  Real friends respect your decision.

Sheesh!  Still not getting to my "note to self moment"... well, until now.

Yesterday, I took DD to the doctor for her check-up.  I knew that this round was going to consist of getting a shot.  DD hates shots and has perfected the fit of all fits that end up requiring a group of nurses to hold her still in order to give her a shot.  Afterwards, DD proudly states that she got her shot and it was not all that bad...HA!  That just drives me nuts when she does that.  Well, she asked if she was going to get a shot today and I told her, "yes".  She started asking other questions about when is she not required a shot for physicals and I can only tell her that physicals change after she hits puberty.  Well, that just opened a can of worms that requested more information about puberty and what changes a girl goes through.  I took a deep breath and started sharing about the physical changes; the growth of a 'chest', growing hair in places that did not have hair before, the menstrual cycle.  Apparently, I should have left that talk to the doctor because she absolutely freaked!!  Carrying on with tears in her eyes she states that she is afraid of growing up because she does not want to turn into a hairy Sasquatch with big feet.  You see, at the ripe age of 11, she is one tall kid.  She is 3 inches shorter than me and she wears the same size shoes.  She knows that she is still growing and really hates being one of the tallest kids in class.  Just add some hair in a few choice places and she is calling herself a freak.  Oh joy!  The talk about the menstrual cycle was just as bad.  Now she thinks she is going to become a bloody, hair covered freak with big feet.... UGH! 

As I shook my head, dreading the honest discussion I decided to let happen...  I have decided that from now on, I will let the doctor tell her the really grotesque details about a girl nearing puberty.  That was my note to self moment.....

Political correctness....

Okay, maybe it is because I am just in the testiest frame of mind, but I and the need to get this off my chest.  If you do not agree with me, that is just fine, because this little rant is necessary today.

I tend to pay attention to the news and there are just a few things that seem to rub me the wrong way these days.....

Being "politically correct" aka PC, is getting a little out of hand.  I understand that people should strive to be more polite when choosing their words in order to not offend anyone.  I am all for a nicer existence.  It is just that being PC is really watering down things to a point that integrity is being washed away in some areas and being created in others.  Two complaints come to mind....

Everyone has a problem when it comes to religion and politics.  Saying or even seeing the name GOD on anything is offending people that do not believe in a higher being.  This is just a ridiculous way to complain about everything if you lack the fiber to accept things as they are.  History states that the grand old U S of A was founded by Christian, God fearing folks that wanted a place that did not discriminate religious beliefs.  In fact, their faith in God is what gave them the strength to seek a new land.  Believing in a higher power is in each and every one of us.  It can be recognized by various names through the teachings of various religions.  The basis is the same, only the names are different.  As I am not one to judge, but isn't acceptance taught to the masses?  History is just that.... history, and changing history is basically turning your back on the truth and not accepting the core of our history.

Okay, that one down.  One more to go....

I am an AMERICAN!  I am not a Polish-American.  I was born in America.  My heritage is Polish.  What is it with these people that tout that they are a multi racial person?  Really, if I hear that one more person says that they are a (insert your heritage)-American, I think I just might snap.  America is a 'mutt' nation.  There is no pure heritage to being an American other than being born here or legally obtaining citizenship.  People swim, claw and climb to come here for a better living from other countries.  Some may take a boat, some a plane, some sneak over the border to get here.  As Lady Liberty states, "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.".  Once you become an American, you are just that.  Yep, we have our own heritage and being proud of it is every person's obligation.  The hyphenating of the two is where I have a problem.  I met a person not too long ago that stated that they are a Mexican-American.  I felt compelled to ask where they were born and the answer I got only nails the concept that people choose to tout their heritage before the fact that they are American.  This person was born in CLEVELAND, OHIO...  not Mexico.  I wonder how many people go to their "mother-land" and say that they are an American first in their hyphenated origin?  Probably none.  I just see this as another attempt to water down the true meaning of being an American.

I just wonder why people these days are so ashamed that they need to be so PC about it...  We are all created equal, ya know.....

Food for thought.

Acceptance

As one day ends
  another approaches.
Embrace all the comes your way
  with open arms and an open heart.
Accept everything graciously
  that is offered to you.

The desire to be perfect in an imperfect world
  is what drives us to keep trying.
There is work that still needs to be done
  even when we feel that we have done all we could.
In retrospect, what we believe is perfection
  is far from it in another's eyes.

Moments of boredom
  are moments we forget the enjoyment of learning.
What appears stagnant on the surface
  has tides and currents that keep moving.
Never seen
  but can be felt.

As we toss the pebble in the calm waters
  it's echoes of movement stretch far and wide.
Life is not contained in a box
  and is not contained by the walls that shelter us.
Our existence is ever moving forward
  touching the lives of others, stretching far and wide.

Undeniable forces guide us
  to make choices in what is right.
Accept the twists and turns in life
  for that we can say we have one to live.
Good, bad or indifferent
  it is a result to experience and remember.

Each breath we take
  makes us stronger.
Strength is not measured
  by what we can lift, but by what we can carry.
The burdens of life
  are the weights we carry.

~The undesirable words we hear.
~The cruel actions of another.
~The moments of loneliness.
~Fighting for what is right and still losing the battle.

As a phoenix rises from the ashes
  we overcome the devastation.
The sun will shine again upon our faces,
  a new day is upon us.
May today be a day filled with love, hope,
  and acceptance.

Peace :)

Truth Serum.....

Howdy ho!!

After last nights adventure with some of my friends, I noticed something that I would not normally even give a  second thought about....  Everyone knows that drinking a beer or two is known as 'downing some liquid courage'.  Especially, when you are in a bar and it is Karaoke night.  People love to sing, but not normally with a large crowd of people around.  Some are quite confident that they can sing, others are never really sure.  Other times people tend to seek out some liquid courage is when they are on 'the hunt'.  You know what I mean...  Getting the courage to talk to a really attractive person that you do not know... yet.

Well, as for me, it is not really necessary to have courage, but to let my sarcastic abilities to run free.  To crack some rather good jokes and laugh without abandon.  On every other normal day, I tend to remain on the reserved side.  Sure, I can crack a joke here and there, I can be sarcastic, but it actually takes a fair amount of energy on my part to so that without the help of liquid courage.  As for singing in a Karaoke bar, beer just relaxes me enough to just have fun with it.

I just did not notice that alcohol is a really effective truth serum and a quite convincing way to notice a persons insecurities.  Even the most confident person on the outside has things that they hide from the world, but tend to not notice that having some liquid courage sets those insecurities free for others to see.  It has been said that drunk words are sober thoughts, but what happens when you are not drunk at all?  This is where I see alcohol as being a really interesting form of truth serum without ever speaking a word.

Just for fun last night, my BFF and I were taking pictures of our evening.  It is a way to share the memories again and again.  As we get older, we tend to forget things and pictures are just the trick to tell a story.  Being the random bunch of goofs we are, we decided to try to capture pictures of very random things.  Goofy faces were the draw of the evening.  Smiling nice is so...  average and staged.  We wanted to explore what we are capable of.  That is when the goofy pictures went right into seeing how sexy a person can be.  My BFF and I believe that the truth is in the eyes, so we decided to try to give the camera the sexiest look possible.

Here are my findings.....

You can tell the difference between a single person and a married person.  Well, at least in the case between my single BFF and my married self, the difference is really noticeable.  As we tried to shoot our best 'come hither' look in our eyes, it is quite obvious that I no longer have the talent to flirt with my eyes.  I looked quite tired in a few pictures and even drunk in a few others, even my smile looked strained.  What made this interesting is that I was neither drunk or tired.  What appeared in the camera was the look of deeply hidden honesty about my confidence level.  Even with my hair looking really good and my makeup is perfectly in place, my eyes told the truth that I am a very uncomfortable person in my own skin.  I do not see myself as attractive anymore.  As I have looked at old pictures of myself when I was young and single, there was a level of confidence in my eyes that was quite attractive.  Since after getting married and becoming complacent in my surroundings, I settled.  I lost that oomph that I had, my inner awesome is gone.  Well, after having a child causes undeniable weight gain, I am not as happy as I could be and it definitely shows.  Self loathing has made me lazy and detached from who I am capable of becoming.

I just wonder how I can fix that.  Is it something that I really need to fix?  Is it something that I should fix?  This is who I am, like it or not, but if that truth serum is showing me what is really on the inside that I tend to hide, why would I accept this?  What is the answer?  I guess it is back to the drawing board to figure this one out.....

The time I worked at a strip club.....

Now, you all can get your minds out of the gutter and wipe that image from your head that I was a stripper.  Being naked in public is a major phobia of mine...  That is why you would never see me at a nudist colony.

Being a hairdresser and makeup artist for 25 years, I have had some real adventures in my line of work.  Besides working out of a salon, I also do work that is considered "on site".  That means, I travel to the client with all my necessary tools of the trade to work.  Normally, I go to a person's home, but there are times I go to hotels, reception halls, bars, and even schools.  It all depends on where the client is and where they need me.  Special events happen everywhere that range from fashion shows, weddings, and mini spa parties hosted by businesses.  It just might require a little travel on my part, but people are willing to pay more for the convenience.  Having your hair and makeup done at the hotel or place you are staying at is way easier than trying to drag a wedding dress and veil across town to a salon that might have hair all over the floor.

Well, today, I was at a client's home.  This client is now homebound because both her and her husband have lost their driving privileges and driving to a salon is no longer an option.  Every week, she calls me in to do her hair.  They are an elderly couple and still like to look nice even though they are stuck at home.  Well, I also think they like to have some company.  I know I would if I was trapped within the same four walls - day in, day out - I would welcome having some people over.

My client was feeling bad about making me travel to her home every week and wondered if it is normal practice for me to do this for her.  I explained to her that being a person in the service industry, you need to be flexible in where you work, especially in these tough economic times.  People are doing whatever it takes to make ends meet.  It is all about survival of the fittest.  If the tree does not bend, it will snap.  I have had my fair share of jobs that I was never really proud of, but nothing I could never talk about.  Just after saying that, I decided to tell her about the time I worked at a strip club.  The look on her face was priceless.  I obviously am not the type to strip for money, but just saying that I worked at one definitely made her wonder.  I definitely had to clarify the meaning of that statement.

Years ago, I worked at a salon that was trying to expand its client base.  On site services was what the owner thought would be the thing to push them over the top.  The owner was not a hairdresser in any sense of the word, but she was an amazing sales person.  She traveled all around, trying to find an avenue that was never thought of for selling hair and makeup services.  She met the owner of a local strip club and gave him a really impressive sales pitch to have her salon showcase their employees talents in his business.  Needless to say, he was quite interested in her pitch and hired her salon to being in 2 hairdressers and 2 makeup artists to do mini makeovers on the strippers that work for him.  He felt he needed to make his place just a little more classy since the girls that work there had no clue how to do their hair or makeup for work.  I guess having a rockin' body is not enough in that line of work.

I have to admit, I never stepped in a strip club that only had women as the performers.  It was never on my bucket list of life to go to one, but if I did, I can definitely scratch that off my list.  Quite an uncomfortable place for me to visit, but a job is a job.

You see, I was one of the 4 people called in to do that on site job.  I did makeup on at least a half dozen girls.  I got to know their stories of how and why they are in that profession.  I can tell by the look in their eyes that they were ashamed of their choice, but once you talked to them, you learn how brave they were for doing whatever it takes to make ends meet.  Some were college students, others were single mothers from broken homes that did what they could to feed their babies.  Bad relationships seemed to be commonplace for these girls, but they all believed that things will get better.  That job was just a temporary thing to them.  Pretty amazing to learn something that changes your perspective of a person.  That experience definitely drove home the fact that there is always more to the book than its cover.....  Life is such an adventure.

Sabotage

I know, I know...  I promised I would not blog about my commitment to lose weight, but I just seem to be wondering why I sabotage my efforts every week.  I seem to do that without much thought these days.

January 1, 2011, I decided to not make a resolution, but decided to make a commitment instead.  Resolutions are just good intentions that fail miserably.  Believe me, I start off great.  I am determined to get to my intended goal and I know what I need to do to get there.  I did not even set up a time limit so I will be less likely to quit trying.  Then why, oh why do I do the complete opposite of what should be done?  I swear, I think I have the attention span of a gnat when I do things.

When a person is trying to lose weight.  It can be 5, 10, 20, 50 or even 100 pounds, the way to do this sensibly is by diet and exercise.  I seem to do just fine with one or the other.  Never both at the same time.  I am perfectly capable of cutting down calories and making healthy choices.  I can measure out what a serving size is and stick to it. Exercise, on the other hand somehow creates an overeating, junk food craving lunatic that has zero sense what a portion size is anymore.  This just results in either maintaining my lousy current weight or gaining a few pounds that I really don't want in the first place.

Now, I decided to be more committed to being sensible in my journey to losing that extra baggage worth of bakery goods that reside on my mid section.  I made a sensible plan and figured I could stick to it....  HA!  I seem to have more excuses than a crooked politician about why I can't just do it.  The excuses ranged from... finding something better to do with my time, back spasms, and still not getting over my sinus infection/bronchitis as a way to not go to the gym.  As for poor eating, I have a few of those too...  Valentines day, picky eaters I have to cook for, and getting bored with eating the same crap each week that is healthy.  Being on a budget with picky eaters is tough.  What I have coined as, "the economy diet" offers zero variety when you only buy what is on sale.

I figured that DH would not buy me anything for V-day was going to be my saving grace, but alas, he decides to buy me a huge bag of Reeses Peanut Butter Hearts.  Damn it!!  Chocolate and Peanut Butter together is so good, it should be criminal that they exist in a tasty candy.  That bag had 30 little, individually wrapped hearts and after I devoured two of them, I learned that a serving size was one bite sized piece.  Feeling bad that I just overate a serving, I consumed 2 more.  You would figure I would have accepted my mistake and save the rest, but my plan of being sensible went out the window.  The only healthy foods I have eaten since V-day were the dinners I made for the family.  Breakfast, lunch and snacks became my chocolate and peanut butter little treats.  So glad that bag is empty and gone...

Today is the first day that I am forced to get back on track.  No more chocolate in my house... Thank goodness!  I have the desire to hit the gym, but after dropping DD off to school, my back decided to spasm.  Sitting here with an ice pack was not my plan for today, in fact, I thought I had nothing to blog about after challenging myself to writing a short story.  That all changed today.  Stupid me stepped on the scale to see what damage was done and totally forgot that this is my time to bloat like a puffer fish.  Man, am I bummed that the darn number went up 2 pounds, but I am sure hoping that it is just water weight and that monthly visitor makes its appearance soon so the weight does go down.  Being the bag of fireworks that now seem to have had a dud in the mix threw me completely off last month.  I just hope that there is not a repeat this month.  That experience caused a 16 pound weight gain that I am still fighting to get rid of completely.  Besides the weight gain, I hate taking pills.....

Since it is remotely nice outside today.  A nice little teaser of spring-like weather here is definitely motivating me to get outside and take a walk.  Once I freeze my spasm to numb, I just might do that.

Have a great day everyone :)

Letting go : The final part...

Okay folks, here is the final part of my creative short story.  If you have not read the first part, you might want to go back and read it before proceeding.....

                                                                     Letting go
                                                      The final chapter....


Emily decided she needed some fresh air.  She turned away from Josh and went outside.  Josh, feeling a little warm also, follows her.


As they step outside, a cool breeze washes over them.  Josh looks over to Emily.  The wind brushes her hair away from her face and he is mesmerized by the woman she has become.  Like a fine wine, she seemed to improve with age.  In his mind, he is kicking himself for letting her go, but kicking himself even harder for not trying to find her after she disappeared.  He wonders if things would be different if he did search for her years ago.  Would they be still together today?  It was a question that could never be answered because their lives took different paths.  Emily, seems to be the same person, but a bit more reserved.  As for Josh, he was living a pretty hard and fast existence, but seemed to calm down over the years. 


As for Emily, she needed some fresh air to clear her head.  She felt the need to keep her emotions in check.  She is now free from those pesky unanswered questions that have bothered her so, but bothered with something completely different.  


Emily thought that she built a strong enough wall around her heart.  Her time away from Josh changed her.  That little girl that wore her heart on her sleeve is no more.  What she thought was love was nothing but an emotion to clog clear thinking.  Her choices in suitors were carefully scrutinized.  She had a list of attributes that any man interested in her needed to meet before she even considered going on a date.  Even her husband had to meet and exceed what she thought was acceptable.  Emily thought she had it all figured out.  Romance and desire were things dreamers believed in, and Emily was no longer a dreamer.


Emily and Josh had a connection so deep that they understood each other without ever speaking a word.  All it took was a look and she knew.  Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Josh looking at her. She just can't muster the strength to look at him just yet and closes her eyes as she takes a deep breath of the crisp night air.  She knew that this conversation was going to be tough.  Her mind is torn and she sees that Josh is struggling too.  They both know what is right, but they have feelings that cannot be denied.


Josh grabs Emily and gives her a kiss.  A kiss that Emily has dreamed about......
The kiss made Emily weak in the knees.  As she feels as if she is about to fall, Josh catches her and holds her close, they look into each others eyes.....


Emily's mind starts to race with thoughts of how wonderful it would be to have a one night stand with this man that has had a piece of her heart for so many years.  To throw caution to the wind, to be wild and free once more, but she knows that if she takes the chance, she can lose it all.  She knows that her heart will not allow him to be a one night stand (that kiss told her that), the marriage that she has would be damaged beyond all repair, and she could not risk breaking up the family she has for another man.  Then suddenly, her thought pattern changed.  The pain from years ago came back to remind her that this was the man that broke her heart.  The pain was what made her a stronger woman, a more cautious woman, and maybe a bit bitter.  After all, it has been years since they have been near each other.  She knows that she has changed.  Maybe he has changed, too.  Maybe that loving soul has become vicious; looking to put that last notch in his belt of women he slept with -  To take advantage of her and toss her away - all that talking earlier could just be a lie?  Emily was scared.


Josh seeing the pain in Emily's face finally speaks to break the silence.  Josh knows what Emily is thinking about.  He is thinking the same thing.  There is a place in his heart that is just for Emily, but he has a place in his heart for his wife and family.  He is torn.  Yes, he would love nothing more than to be with Emily just once to ease the pain in his heart, and hers.  He knows it is wrong to act on his feelings, he still has love for her in his heart.  He decides to tell her what is on his mind.


As Emily listens to what Josh is saying, she is getting the feeling that he is just as torn as she is, which makes her even more confused.... 'Why did he kiss me?'....  'Why did I not stop him?'.....  'Oh, what do we do now?'  As Emily tries to rationalize her actions, she sputters and stutters, trying to get a sentence out.  Josh holds his finger across her lips to stop her.  He knows what he wants.  That kiss was something that made him feel alive again, it sent a tingling sensation all over his body as if every muscle in his body was waking up from a long slumber.  He knows that what he did was wrong.  He knows the consequences of his actions.  He saw the fear in Emily's eyes.  Fear of losing control, fear of taking a risk that she is not ready to take.  Josh loves Emily.  He loves her enough to tell her just once... "I love you Emily, always have... always will",  and walk away.  As Josh is just about out of sight, he looks back at Emily one last time and smiles.


                                                                                          The End

Letting go : A creative short story

Okay, before I write anything, I have to place a disclaimer on this blog...

This is a creative short story.  The people, places and events are strictly fiction and hold no truth.  This story is being written in the shortest possible way that I can as a release for the desire to let my creativity run wild because I have been told that I have a talent for writing.  I just need to see for myself that I can write something that is completely out of my comfort zone.  Comments are welcomed and appreciated, so here goes....

                                                                        Letting go


Josh and Emily have been friends for what seems like a lifetime, in fact they once had a connection that was undeniable.  When they first met, it was like two lost souls being connected on a level that cannot be described as anything less than cosmic.  It just broke Emily's heart that the connection was nothing more than plans being made into broken promises.  The pain of knowing what could have been, drove her away from everything that reminded her of Josh.  Emily sought out a new life and new friends, leaving everything behind.  She never looked back.


The years have passed, Emily, being a married woman, decided to reconnect with her past friends.  She realized that there were some pretty amazing people that she walked away from because of her heartache from so long ago.  Thinking she is strong enough to reconnect with her past, she sets forth to find some of her old friends.  In the course of her travels to reconnect with her past, she came face to face with the one who changed her life...  Josh.


In a crowded bar that Emily has not been to in years with friends, she sees him.  Their eyes met.  That piercing shade of blue he has that demanded her attention years ago have not changed a bit.  Trying to act as if fate pushed them apart so many years ago had no effect on her, Emily remains calm, but on the inside, she is shaking and feeling quite weak.  Josh approaches her, gives her a hug as friends do, and starts a light conversation with her.  His smile is so welcoming.  Emily's heart starts to ache again.  All those years apart with unanswered questions still ringing in her ears makes it hard to really focus on what the conversation is all about.  Emily, knowing that their lives took different paths, reminds herself that she is no longer that giddy schoolgirl with her heart on her sleeve.  She is married and has a family.  Even though everything looks blissfully happy on the surface, Emily has been feeling like there is something missing from her life.  What Emily seemed to be missing was closure from the one thing that hurt her the most and haunts her dreams to this day.

Josh is trying his hardest to not look into Emily's eyes as he spoke to her.  Her blue eyes are the windows to a world he wishes to be in.  His life was missing something, too.  He knew what it was, it was her.  Emily was the one he let slip away because he had no choice.  His life took a turn that he was not prepared to take, but had to because in the core of his being, it was the right thing to do at the time.  Josh always hoped that time would bring Emily back to him, to be together again and never let her go.  What hurt him the most was that Emily moved on and never looked back.  Now married with a family, he tries to put his past behind him and focuses on the here and now of life.  Seeing Emily again just made his past come back to haunt him.


Fighting back the memories of how she felt when Josh and her last spoke so many years ago, she refocuses on catching up with 'the one that got away'.  Stories shared of what they both were up to, their spouses, their children, were the easiest things to discuss.  Friendly conversations assure her that they can be friends.  Suddenly, the conversation takes a turn and Emily was not prepared for it, but knew that it had to be discussed.  It was about that dreadful day that broke her heart.  She hears about why he went away and the pain he was feeling about it.  Emily never knew, until that moment, Josh really loved her.  


This connection with Josh opened that old wound and she feared it would consume her.  Those fantasies that haunted her dreams as she slept now ravage her mind while awake.  She so longed to hear those three little words from Josh, to have his strong arms hold her close, to be kissed with passion so strong it makes her knees weak, to feel the unbridled passion that is bursting at the seams to come forward, to be ravaged and loved tenderly.  She can see it in his eyes.  This is what she wants.  It is there for the taking, but she can't.


Josh looks into her eyes and feels his heart racing.  He knows what he wants and can see in her eyes she wants the same.  In his head, he knows it is wrong, but his heart is telling him otherwise.  The desire is so strong, it is taking every ounce of his strength to contain himself.


                                                                    To be continued......


What the heart wants and what the mind knows is an internal battle that Emily and Josh are facing.  Is giving in to the undeniable desire the right thing to do?  Is to lock the desire deep within their heart and do nothing because of the devastation a one night stand can make to their families the right choice?  Can Emily and Josh remain friends because of the connection they share?  I guess you will have to stay tuned and see what happens next.

Have a great day
and thanks for reading :)

Would you be my Valentine?

Being someone's Valentine by today's standards is just like what Valentines Day meant when we were kids at school, exchanging those corny little business card sized cards.  Being a Valentine just means... I thought of you because we are too mentally immature to actually be in love with you... I actually like that thought process.  Keeps my expectations low for another day I get nothing from my husband.  I hope you all realize that I am saying that with the sharpest wit I have and I am laughing as I write this.....

Really, does anyone really know why all the hype for this day?

Some say it is the one day to remind the people that you love them.  Others see it as a marketing ploy to get more revenue in the stores since Christmas was the last major shopping holiday.  As for me, I see it as a Hallmark holiday....  A generic ploy to create hype over what is really just another ordinary day in my book.  I just figured that if you really love someone, you would say it because you can and not because of the label that today has.

Why do I seem so bitter?  I really am not.  I was one of those people that contained my excitement for Valentines Day with my high hopes of getting roses, candy and really mushy cards that professed the love someone has for me.  I do have a romantic side of me, sadly, it has been squashed by years of getting nothing for this auspicious day of days from my other half.  He just does not see V-day as an important holiday.  In fact, I recall being so nervous on V-day that I even compared it to Halloween....

Does he love me?  Does he not....  What a nail biter that is, huh?

I guess that is why my daughter had a good laugh this morning as I dropped her off for school.  I tell her that today they are having a party in class... 'a Halloween party', of all things.  DD decides to correct me and says, "Mom, it is Valentines Day... Not Halloween!"  I say, "What is the difference?  It can be just as scary."  Well, that just sent her in a laughing frenzy.  As she got out of my truck, she tells me that she needs to tell her BFF that joke.

Yep, I am here all week, and be sure to tip your wait staff ;)

I know that I need to explain to DD my off-color view of Valentines Day and what it is to represent, but seeing her laugh was good enough for me.  Well, I might have planted the sarcasm bug in her ear by telling her that V-day used to be called "Single person awareness day".  I wonder what she thinks about that.

As for me, I know that today is just another day.  I will give a 'shout out' of love to all my friends and family.  At least the thought is there, the love has been spread, that warm and fuzzy feeling of the holiday has been shared, and I participated in the wondrous event that they called Valentines Day.  Now I am off to go wash my truck.  I fear the layer of road salt will start to attract deer from a 5 mile radius because I think my truck has become a salt-lick on wheels.  That is my V-day gift to myself.....

So, since you have taken the time to read this.....  Would you be my Valentine?

Remembering the old me......

Last night, I went out to meet up with a very dear friend that I have not seen in years.  Nope, not a childhood friend, but one I had the pleasure of getting to know during the time I was doing a little soul searching.  I seem to have a knack to be a deep thinker that happens to like beer and good music.  I have a pretty random sense of humor when I decide to set it free.  Funny thing, I seem to be more at ease with some people than others.  Well, this friend is one that can bring out the best in me even when I am at my worst.  He is just a ray of sunshine wherever he goes, he is a deep thinker like me, and even after all these years we can still talk up a storm.  This person is a rare gem that happened to get lost in the roaring tides of life.  I am so glad he managed to find me on Facebook.  We had a lot of catching up to do.

It was said to me by another dear friend that women and men cannot really be friends because men are unable to have a platonic relationship with a woman.  That is not true!  I have plenty of male friends.  Being the tomboy that I am, I seem to get along better with men as compared to women.  Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of female friends, but I just have a really hard time relating to girls all the time.  Each and every friend I have is an extension of me...  They all hold a part of the complex workings of who I am as a person.  What a wonderful thing that is!

As for seeing my dear friend last night, it just only nailed home the idea that I really have not changed all that much.  I can still be silly, I have a sense of humor, I am thoughtful, and I have always remained true to who I am.  I realized that as time has moved forward, I just happened to change the way I do things.  My priorities are a little different and my responsibilities have increased.  I just happen to look at things differently.  I am seeing things through older eyes - wiser eyes - more intense and introverted thinking is my thing.  I control my environment a bit much and just letting loose is the key to staying balanced in such an unbalanced existence.  I am still seeking my inner awesome, but I have noticed the inner awesome of others more.  It can be in something as simple as a smile, a laugh, or even an attitude.

I know that people can be superficial, but there is something that lays deeper under the surface that makes us who we are.  Some of the most beautiful people can be less than attractive once they open their mouth to speak.  I guess that is why I prefer to be myself.  I am not the most attractive person, but at least I am not the most boring.  I know, I know...  I have been way too hard on myself.  There are people who say I am attractive.  I just don't see it.  I see myself as a perpetual work in progress, there is always room for improvement.  The desire to reach perfection will never be achieved because once we get remotely close to what we thought was perfect, our thoughts change because we see other people as the barometer of what we want in life.  So what if one person seems to have it all.  It does not mean that they are happy with it.

I never tried to be one of those that "keep up with the Jones'", but I do have tendencies to compare myself to them.  I just have to remember that even if the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence", chances are, they just shovel the shit on their lawn better than I can for mine.  I am just happy that I have some really wonderful people in my life that remind me that I am special.  Having my friend remind me that I am the same person, just in a different package because we are always changing on the outside centered me somehow.  Getting older is not a curse, but a badge of honor we have gotten this far.  Sharing stories about life makes us more in tune to who we have become and what we really enjoyed in life.  Memories are a treasured thing.  They are priceless pieces of who we are.

Thanks for reading.
Have a glorious day :)

The poet in me......

I look in the mirror
and what do I see?
I see a woman
where a child used to be.

Oh how I long for my younger days
I was so happy then.
Not a care in the world
Oh to live those days again.

Music moved my soul
I was a poet way back when
I feared nothing.
Straining to find the words
to be a poet again.

Writing about love
writing about pain
so honest
so raw
to expose my soul.
The one thing missing
to make me whole again.

How does one find a talent lost when life loses its luster?  I was a deep thinking poet, back in the day.  There are days I strain to get that release that I have been so desperately looking for.  Somehow, somewhere, I have thoughts of something different... better, but I have become so good at pushing down the desire to be completely honest with myself, that I have become complacent in the here and now.  My little "research moments", my little "rants, raves, and random thoughts" only scrape the surface.  Why am I so scared to be completely "free" with who I am?  Have I become too concerned with what other people think?  Is it possible that my experiences in life trained me to become so distant with who I thought I was?  Was the pain of feeling like a "loner" when I knew I was not alone the catalyst for me to build that protective wall that surrounds my heart?  Was it one, or many people that have managed to steal a piece of my heart to blame for me changing so much?

I can only guess that life is meant to be complex and difficult.  We all experience every emotion out there...  happy, sad, angry, frustrated, alone, and loved.  The reasons differ from person to person.  Not everyone has the same thought process.  Some are more tolerable than others when emotions affect our surroundings.  We all look and act different on the outside, but what we have on the inside is the same.  Our hopes, dreams and desires may differ, but the emotional attachment remains the same because it is our choice to react the way we do.

We all have a past.  It has molded us into who we are now.  We have a future that is yet to be discovered.  Life is a journey, not a destination.  Unless you believe that there is a destination in mind, there is only one...  Point A is when you were born and Point B is when you die.  The experiences, those twists and turns life has to offer, is the journey we all take.  It changes us from the lessons learned.  What we were at 2 years old is definitely different than what we became at 5, as we differ again in our teens, as we differ in our 20's, 30's, 40's and so on.  Each year we exist is another chapter of our story.

Life is an extreme sport.  We just don't show the scars from it on the outside.  Maybe the extreme nature of my past is what I long for.  That desire to live life to the fullest has tamed down and all I desire is the basic necessities.  You know... play it safe, color within the lines, think inside the box.  I just wonder of I can ever find my younger self in this older body and reignite that desire to knock down that protective wall that I have built over the years.  To be fearless again.

Look into my eyes
and what do you see?
A story struggling to be told
from a shackled heart from memories.
Longing for freedom
To express the real me.
No fear.....

Hmmm..... Maybe I have not lost the ability to be a poet.  Maybe tomorrow I can tell you another.  That is, if you want me to.....

Jumbled thoughts...

Morning!  Few things just bouncing in my head, so a quick blog should do it for today.....

I have come to the conclusion that men are right that there are way more lousy women drivers out there.  The fiasco I go through twice a day to drop off and pick up DD from school is a definite indication that the Cracker Jack company gave out way too many drivers licenses in their boxes.

I may live in the Midwest, but I can definitely say that Illinois is a perfect place for Polar Bears to vacation to.  Brrrrrr......

Today will be the mad rush of all days.  Finally got an appointment to see the doctor about what this stupid sinus infection turned into.  Trying to be all that I can be with a 10-ton weight on my chest that feels like itchy fur inside is any indication that I am determined to still do the housework AND go to a Red Hat Society luncheon for my mother should be a sign that I lost my mind somewhere during the "big dig" blizzard of 2011.

It may take a village to raise a child, but all it takes is two independent thinkers to turn your child into a hard-core Republican.  DD is not a fan of Obama, Quinn, and the rest of the Democratic Party.  In fact, she believes that all the bad things happen because of them.... even the weather... YIKES!

I definitely think that my back is this Superwoman's Cryptonite.  Damn thing has not given me a decent night's rest for 3 nights now.  Not sure what is triggering this to happen, but once I find it, I will avoid it at all costs.  Getting cranky is not one of my prettiest attributes.

Wonders which rodent to believe if there is an early Spring or 6 more weeks of the deep freeze.  Does it go by state, or is just one the actual prognosticator?  If there are any groundhogs that said there is going to be an early Spring, I am listening.....

Definitely getting out of my comfort zone today.  Going to a luncheon with a bunch of ladies that are wild and wacky, wearing red hats.  Yep, I am going to be the youngest attendee to a Red Hat Society luncheon that my mom is throwing.  Made up "coupons" to give away services with hopes that I can rebuild my once okay number of a following so I can stop feeling like I go to work as a volunteer and actually make some money.  Funny thing....  Free services don't make paychecks.  I can only hope they will return to actually pay for services in the future.  For a person, like me, who cannot sell ice cream on a 100 degree day, this is my attempt at networking and selling.....  Wish me luck!

Well, I feel like crap, look like crap....  Luckily I don't smell like crap, but I have a lot of work to do on myself to look presentable to the public.  Sigh.  Have a wonderful day everyone!

p.s.:  On a side note.  I sure hope that the forces that be can get me through the doctor's visit quickly.  I just don't have 3 hours to kill today.  Also, if that cranky nurse tells me to get on the scale, I just might go postal on her.  Weighing me before taking my blood pressure is just a recipe for me to have... high blood pressure.  Oh, I just hope I get the nice nurse that knows what she is doing and all goes smoothly.  Just not a fan of getting a Q-tip jammed down my throat just because they can...

Well, isn't that so special.....

Hmmm... Where to start on this one.... Okay, here goes...

After deciding to skip the gym and do some major housework which consisted of moving a 200+ pound couch to clean under yesterday, I got to appreciate one place in my home that is really clean that nobody else will ever see.  Oh well, living with 2 clutter-bugs that suffer clutter blindness is par for the course.  That, and knowing my place in this family really nails the idea home that I am the hired help that does not get paid.

Clutter blindness is described as follows:  If a person can look beyond the mess they make and have the inability to help clean, if the mess is contained in either a bag or box in their path by stepping around, over or onto it while walking from point 'A' to point 'B', you have clutter blindness.


I accidentally mumbled my disgust in myself in front of DH during his lunch break that he come home for.  He said nothing... Not surprised.

DD goes to the doctor for her follow up visit about her sinus infection.  I already knew that she needed to be back on a round of Steroids because post nasal drip affects her Asthma.  Well, technically, it is called Reactive Airway Disease.  Asthmatics need to be on constant medications, as she does not.  Since she was the age of 2, I learned more than I need to know about her condition.  In fact, I think I know more than the doctor when it comes to my daughter.  As I was right, again, we left with a prescription for Prednisone and went to Walgreens to pick it up.  As we are waiting for her prescription to be filled, DD decides that she wants something.  She always does.  I cannot take her to any store where she can find something she absolutely wants to have.  She decides she needs construction paper.  She just learned quilling in art class and says she is a natural at it and wants to make something at home.  I know that this is just another thing for me to clean up after she is done with her project.  I am just not a fan of vacuuming confetti after spending hours doing spring cleaning in the winter.  Remember.... Clutter-bug?

Well, I tell her ,"no", and she decides to start an argument that I was not prepared to hear in the store.  She has the ability to whine really well, and I was prepared for that.  She decided to turn the tables and say loudly in the store that her father would buy it for her because he loves her more than I do.  Well, that just hit the last raw nerve I have left.  This last nerve was the gatekeeper of control.  It took just about every ounce of me to not say a word until we finally got to the car with her prescription.  Then, she learned quite quickly, that arguing with me is a really bad idea because I am not one to be messed with.  She got an earful of facts that made her statement about me not loving her so wrong.  I did tell her that if she thinks I do not love her that much, I can definitely make that happen.  The next time she is sick, her father can take her to the doctor.  He does not know where the doctor's office is because he chooses to not know.  If she ends up in the hospital because her father doesn't take her to the doctor in time when her breathing is in jeopardy, she can stay there all alone.  I have always remained at her side.  "Those stays in the hospital that required being treated by a Pulminologist and Respiratory Therapist, I was there the whole time.  I watched and learned from them on how to handle your condition.  Your father never offered to stay at your side when you were scared to be in the hospital.  I have been the one to protect you, to wipe your tears, to comfort you.  That can all stop easily if you really think I don't love you as much as your father, little girl."  I got the silent treatment from her the rest of the night.


DH finally comes home.  2-1/2 hours late, as usual.  I am already washing the dishes and waiting for him to finally eat and give me more to wash.  He decided to share with me that his actions from Sunday were from outside forces and that somewhere, in his misery, he loves me, but cannot seem to show it.  Oh, how special I must be feeling, right?  Could not escape from the stress to connect with his wife.  Isn't is the whole purpose to do something, when the time and conditions are ideal to do so, to get an escape from that and just be free?  If only a moment to let things go and be connected with the one who always has your back?  To even talk openly about things without fear, to seek support from the strong woman that only wants to help?  I get that excuse handed to me.  Just another thing to swallow down since I was told that I am such a mean and unloving mother from DD.  His timing was just impeccable, getting slammed with excuses about why I get treated like dirt in this house from both DH and DD sent a tear to roll down my face.  Apparently, neither know me all that well and I thought I was so easy to figure out.  How sad.....

Why did I do that?

Sigh.  Yesterday was a day I definitely want a do over on.  I thought I was smarter than that.  I guess not.

Sundays are family days.  DH, DD, and I spend the day together.  We have breakfast together, make the grocery list together, do the grocery shopping together, and for the rest of the day... we just hang out at home.  Not a real exciting thing.  It is just what we do to wind down and get all rested up for the week ahead.  Last week's snow was tough.  Digging out from that blizzard made muscles ache that I forgot existed.  I was just quite impressed that I healed up from that remotely fast and I did not have a serious back spasm to wake me in the middle of the night.  Well, if I did, it was masked quite well with everywhere else hurting.

After that strange dream that I chalked up to having chocolate before bed was still on my mind.  Stuff like that can make a person wonder, especially when the dream is remembered after waking up.  Curiosity like that should be left alone, but as I have said in the past, I never listen to myself.  When will I ever learn?

Yesterday, was the Superbowl.  DD got an invite to a friend's house to watch the game and I took her over there just before the kickoff.  The party was going to be for only a couple of hours.  It was just a group of 11 year olds drinking soda pop and trying to entertain themselves with the game playing in the background.  You see, DD is not really a sports fanatic.  I figured it would be fun for her to hang out with her friends for a while.  It was definitely more fun than hanging out with boring old mom and dad.  Maybe, she would actually be interested enough to watch the game and maybe learn to like sports, like her mom.

Well, I figured that with DD out of the house, I would do a little research of my own.  I know that DH is not the romantic type all on his own.  Most likely reason is because we are never alone.  That, or he just can't figure me out.  So I decided to give a subtle hint by mentioning that we were alone for 2 hours.... "Oh, what shall we do?", I say.  The response I got definitely killed any confidence in myself that I am remotely a desirable woman.  Apparently, men get headaches, too.  Well, in his case...  A sore side from shoveling and that he wanted to relax on the couch and watch American Pickers reruns on the Discovery Channel.  WOW, little did I know that a show about 2 guys traveling the 50 states, looking for "rusty gold" to resell was more of a draw of his attention than his wife.  BOY did I feel stupid even trying.  I can guarantee that I will never put myself out like that ever again.  Oh, who am I kidding!  If Billy the Exterminator was on, I would be ignored too.  Reality TV is killing my reality!!!

After that debacle of a situation I put myself in, I am really starting to wonder if any of my choices in life were the right ones.  I don't regret my choices, but I wonder if given the chance, I would have chosen a different path, knowing what I know now.  Feeling quite ugly and alone, I think I shall hit the gym today.  Still fighting that weight gain from my hormones misfiring (gained 16 and only lost 8).  Once I get back to where I started with January's weigh in, I can start feeling like I am getting a do over for that, at least.  Knocked back a few steps instead of moving forward (or down in numbers on that unforgiving devise) just adds that little extra weight on my shoulders that make me walk with my head down in shame.  Only I can change that.  I just have to pick up my sorry butt off the floor and focus on myself because I now know that in my house.....  Nobody is focusing on me.

As for trying to figure out the meaning of that dream.....  I should have left that alone.

Worth fighting for....

Strange dream last night.  Kind of sounds like a hokey romance novel.  Boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy finds girl again.  Just trying to be friends when there is such a past of unanswered questions can make anyone uncomfortable.  As I am not one for romance novels because I seem to lack that part of my DNA chain that believes crap like that exists.  Things happen for a reason.

As Albert Einstein solved the theory of relativity, it has been known that every action has an equal, if not greater reaction.  I think that is how my thought process has always been.  Something needs to happen to give a result.  Love at first sight cannot happen unless someone is seen, right?  Just being a little scientific because I can.

What was odd about this dream is that it goes completely against who I am as a person.  I am not a person worth defending.  I am not a damsel in distress.  If anything, I am more than willing to kick the snot out of anyone who tries to mess with me.  Having pent up frustration is key to being willing to get into a fight.  I recall a time when a person tried to follow me home.  Any normal person would drive their car to the nearest police station to scare them off your trail.  In fact, in times like these, I would do the same thing, but back then, I was younger and more courageous, which is a recipe for stupidity.  I would get out of my car with a baseball bat and an attitude.  Being the youngest of 4 kids, you know that sibling rivalry was commonplace in my world, so standing up for yourself is a necessity.  Either stand up or be knocked down was my motto.

As for the whole concept of an old friend with a secret admiration for me is totally bunk.  Every friend of mine is just that... a friend.  Nothing more, nothing less.  I will admit that there are a few friends that I have that could possibly fit the category of secret crushes of my past.  I just look at my past as being just that... my past.  They never happened for a reason.  The secret admirers, if there were any, stayed a secret for a reason.  The ones I has admired from afar, never noticed me enough to even know.  I was never one to push myself upon people I liked.  If it happened, it happened.  If it did not, well, then it was not meant to be.  Just being friends was good enough for me.  My heart might have ached a lot back then, but nobody ever knew.  I think that is what made me a little more of a deep thinker.

Looking back, I was never romanced off my feet.  Well, it did happen once, but as fast as my wall of protection was being knocked off its foundation, it ended abruptly.  That hurt like hell.  That experience in my life changed me and how I saw what love was.  Every relationship that followed was looked at differently. In fact, the way I looked at love was different.  Love is not as romantic as it should be.  I actually miss it now.

I married my best friend.  He makes me laugh, he is considerate, he cares for me, but he is not romantic in any sense of the word.  I do love him, but it is not that consuming type of love I see in others.  Maybe it is because we give each other breathing room.  We are not clingy, we are far from being that mushy stuff you see with young love.  We are each others support system.  We work hard at being a team.  I do miss him when he is not around, but I am not so forlorn that I would die without him.  We live in the here and now, and we are not ones to talk too much about the future.  Now, if he was to defend my honor, I would be surprised.  He is one to let me fight my own battles.  Sometimes, I wish he knew that I miss the one thing we did not place such high regard on and do something about it, but I see it as since it is not broke, we do not need to fix it.  Complacency is on our side.

I just found it so odd that I had a dream like that.  I wonder if it is my subconscious telling me that I need more romance in my life?  Is it possible that since in reality, I lack that little bit of sappy stuff so much I am seeking it from another in my dreams?  Maybe my confidence level is so low that I am screaming inside to be saved by anyone?  It does make me wonder if I am really worth fighting for.  I know I would fight for me, but would someone else feel that they would for me, too?

Oh, who am I kidding!  This odd dream is probably because I had some chocolate before bed.

Hmmm.... I wonder what I will dream up about next if my bedtime snack is.....

Wouldn't you want to know...  HA HA HA!!

Have a great day!

An idle mind.....

An idle mind can be a dangerous thing.  Makes a person thinking abilities something from a parallel universe.  Understanding yourself and your thought process is fine, but understanding another's thought process is completely different.  It can make you jaded because people can be less than honest about themselves to the public.  We have been taught to be nice and to share when we were kids, regardless if we had a brother or sister to deal with.  The only child in a family needs to learn how to be nice and share, too.  It is what has been acceptable behavior for generations of people.  As we get older, we hone our social skills, we learn to snub a person in such a nice way that the person never figures out that they are snubbed.  It is called tolerance.  We learn to lie to the truth when it is handed to us on a silver platter.  Some call this denial.

Ever felt completely alone in a crowded room?

Ever felt that those around you are not really the most honest with you?

Ever thought that a person's actions have been carefully planned out because they feel they need to hide what they really want?

I have those days often.  Maybe it is because I put myself out there and never know that I am heard.  Maybe I think too deeply, or share too much.  Maybe my attempts of being more in touch with who I am is something people choose to not face.  Fun and always up for an adventure is more desirable to be around.  Being a goof is more entertaining than deep thought.  

It most likely has to do with the times we live in.  Things are tough everywhere.  Everyone is seeking an escape from worry.  A vacation from obligations and responsibilities.  Everyone prefers a good laugh over deep thought.  What attracts a person to enjoyment is the detachment from being serious.  Throw caution to the wind and see where it takes you, but sadly, we all have that little voice in our heads that pulls us back.  It stops us from taking an adventure that is well beyond your imagination.  We have set the course to make sure that people closest to us are happy, but at the expense of our own happiness.  Never knowing what a person really wants just creates a crap shoot in guessing what is best.  It is all in how we think of the other person.

Lets just say, for the sake of argument, that one person might think that material possessions are more important than emotional connections and the other thinks completely opposite.  It is like giving a dollar to a person who really wants a hug.  Opposites attract, right?  What happens when a person changes their thought process?  What was important at one time is no longer as important.  How does a person bring across the change in their thought process to the others around them without hurting their feelings?  Do we just suck it up and deal with life's shortcomings for the sake of another?  Do we stand up and shout for what we want, not thinking about how the other person feels about it?  Or do we seek out what we are lacking in another because you cannot seem to fix what is broken, but don't want to lose what you already have?  

Of course, we all have choices to make and we tend to choose because of our emotions.  We can choose to do or not to do.  It is like a tug of war in a person's mind when decisions need to be made.

I have not really changed all that much.  Who I am is as true as I can be.  There are days I feel as if I am tolerated and there are days that I feel loved.  That is what life is about.  It is finding that middle ground and being happy because you choose to be.  

I am just not a fan of those days I become critical and desire attention when I really have nothing to offer, but myself.  Those are my idle thought moments that come along, unannounced, screaming to be seen and heard.  Those moments I wonder if there is something better out there for me because I spent my last bit of energy on making someone happy that clearly chose to not be or I am completely off in what they really need.  Maybe they are happy, but choose to not show it or even share.  I am loved, but they choose to not show it.  It is those moments that drive me nuts.  The inability of others to share what they are really thinking or feeling; the masking of the truth, the denial factor.  

The truth shall set you free, but at a cost.  Are you willing to pay the price?

Just some food for thought on a day that I am feeling a bit "idle".....

Trying to not be a whiner......

Waking up this morning was a task in itself.  Back started to spasm at about 5am.  Did not realize that the spasm was the thing I would be complaining about... well... that is until I tried to get out of bed to get more Advil and an ice pack to go through my ritual to get that darn spasm under control.  The moment my feet hit the floor... so did the rest of me.  Not a sight to see, but it happened.  Every muscle in my body is tight, my knees are shot, and suddenly the searing pain in my back seemed to be less of an issue.  Blizzard 2011 definitely made it possible to show me that I am not invincible.  DH is feeling the hurt, too.  I think we both learned a lesson from yesterday.

Complaining gets you nowhere.

DH moaned and complained about the snow all day yesterday.  As I, decided to not say a word and worked on the massive amounts of heavy snow.  I put myself 'in the zone', as I shoveled for hours.  He wondered what was wrong with me.  I was quiet and diligent in getting the shoveling done.  I even stayed quiet after it was all over.  I told him that whining about the snow, the shoveling, and the inconvenience gets you nowhere.  The snow is not going to go away on it's own any time soon, and telling it how you loathe it will not make it clear itself from the driveway.  Everyone on the block and farther were dealing with the same thing and were just doing what is needed to dig themselves out of this white beast of a snowfall.  Needless to say, he stopped whining about the snow and shoveling.  In fact, he slept the rest of the day.

I guess learning from myself is needed.  Telling DH that complaining gets you nowhere worked wonders for him.  He got up this morning to go to work.  No complaining came from his lips about the pain I know that he is feeling.  He is just determined enough to just get his day going.  As for me, I sit here at my computer, blogging about how every muscle in my body is aching, how my knees (which I used quite often in lifting and throwing heavy snow in order to avoid back injuries) are so sore that I can barely stand, and that even in hindsight, pain somewhere else can cancel out the searing back spasm pain that I have been dealing with for years.  I guess I just need to find a funny spin on my misery, but being the chick that I am, I just can't bring out that inner tomboy and let it slide.... Or can I?

I was told my a much older person than me that you can be as young as you want to be... as long as you can prove it in your actions.  Well, today I might be 42 years old in real life, but I move like a 92 year old.  Just gotta get moving and maybe I will feel a bit younger.  Get back into the zone I was in yesterday and get this day going.  Nope.  Not gonna complain anymore.  Just... gotta... keep... moving....

Ready of not, here I come!  It won't be as fast as I usually can move, but I still can move.  That is all that matters today...

Blizzard 2011: The day everything turned white....

Good afternoon!  The weather channel was on point when they mentioned that we were in for a blizzard.  In the course of 24 hours, the state of Illinois was pummeled with about 2-3 feet of snow.  High winds created drifts that ranged between 3 and 4 feet.  The blizzard of 2011 is now put in the record books.

Here is a brief synopsis of my day dealing with the blizzard of 2011:

Tuesday 2/1/2011:  The snow began.  Not much was really landing, but with 40mph winds, it was going somewhere.  My darling husband (as I will call DH in the rest of this post) spent about an hour in the morning shoveling what has managed to land on the ground before leaving for work.  I did my best acting to avoid appearing awake to help him on this round.  Darling daughter (as I will call DD on this post) was home for the second day from school with a sinus infection.  I tried my hardest to figure when I shall go outside and attempt to keep the level of snow on the driveway to a reasonable level, but with the winds and heavy snowfall that happened in the afternoon, I decided that I will just hang with DD in the house because shoveling in 40mph winds is futile.  By the end of the day when DH came home, we had about 3 or 4 inches on the ground with drifts about 12 inches high.

Went to bed early to face the beast of snow in the morning.

Wednesday 2/2/2011:  Woke up to see everything covered in white.  Drifts ranging between 3 and 4 feet.  Somewhere, out there, was my husband's truck, Blackie.  DH tried to face this beast alone.  He started making his attempt at 5am.  By 7am, I was almost awake enough to see straight.  Having no other choice, I get my boots and coat on and venture into the white oblivion.  I grab a shovel and start digging through the snow.  DH tried to use the toughest snowblower we have... Nelly.  Sadly, the drifts were too high for Nelly and DH grabs Hope the shovel and starts digging.  In his 2 hour head start, he managed to clear a path from the front door to the driveway.  Forgetting to take some candids of the great white beast at the beginning stages, I only have a few pictures that seem remotely worthy to share,  Kind of hard to really see the magnitude when everything is white, but here goes.....

 DH using a shovel to knock down the drifts to let Nelly get at that mess.....

 Here's the newest team member of my shovel family...  Meet PITA-RITA.  A real Pain In The Ass to shovel with unless shoveling on level and smooth surfaces....  The snow piles on the sides of my driveway are about 4 feet high....

 Finally found DH's truck, Blackie....

Not the best shoveling by me, but not the worst.  A little sight to see from my living room window after we finished.  DH left to go to work to shovel there.  My driveway is cleaner than the street :)


Well, after 3 hours of digging with a short break to get my camera out with the help of DH, I think we got everything under control.  Well, almost.....

Until I looked out my back door and saw this.....

Hmmm... I think I will leave that to melt.

Now, I am off to nurse my blisters, take some Advil and rest a bit.

Have a great day :)

Guilty moments......

As I watched the news report about what is expected to be a major snowstorm approaching, I get this overwhelming urge to crawl into bed and not even look out the window for the next few days.  I really do not mind winter and all that it offers.  I actually like wearing sweaters, hooded sweatshirts, jeans, and coats.  The bigger and bulkier, the better, I always say.  If you have not figured out by now, I am not really proud of my body.  You would never see me at a nudist colony, and if you do...  call 9-1-1 because I have been drugged into oblivion and will need medical assistance.  I have made a commitment to improve my serious image flaws, but my guilty little pleasures (beer, chocolate, soda pop, sweets and junk food to name a few), really like to cling onto me and not let go.  Giving them up completely is out of the question, but if I can control how much I have, I would not doubt that the skinny girl inside that is screaming to get out would make an appearance.... eventually.  No, I am not HUGE, but I am not comfortable with showing my curves.  Some of those curves are in the wrong places.  Society has made it clear about what is considered beautiful and sadly, it affects every girl in the world.  Men have it so much easier.  They just do not care.  Well, maybe they do a little, but with their metabolisms, they can become sculpted and chiseled masterpieces with little effort.  Women, on the other hand can try to live on food only a rabbit would eat and still not lose an ounce.

Unless... We exercise like there is no tomorrow.....

I am not one to really enjoy being at the gym for hours on end.  I get a little bored there.  Sure, there is a lot you can do.  There are classes you can take with instructors named Barbie that make exercising look like second nature to them.  I don't think I have ever seen one really sweat, so the thought that they are human becomes less and thinking that they are cyborgs or androids seems more plausible.  I am not the most graceful creature that has walked this Earth, either.  I remember taking a yoga class once.... just once.  I managed to knock a clock off the wall while everyone else in the room is being Zen, and all.  Having everyone lose focus on the requested pose to focus on my bumblings makes me feel real uncomfortable ever going back.  That one bad experience pretty much put the Kibosh in trying aerobics....  Zero coordination, remember?  My choice of exercise...  the machines.  Treadmill, elliptical, and circuit.  I look less of a retard and I am okay with that.  Won't use the stair master or the stationary bike.  If I want to climb stairs or ride a bicycle, I would prefer to be getting somewhere and use the real deal.

I guess that is why when winter comes along, I really don't mind the snow.  Well, for a while that is.  Give me a month, maybe two, and that white fluffy stuff can melt away.  Shoveling snow can be easy or it can be hard work.  It is all in how you do it.  I prefer to shovel just for the satisfaction of a clear driveway and walkway, but in hindsight, it is great exercise.  Sadly, with a bad back issue that I have been dealing with for years, getting my cold weather exercise on is a crap shoot if I will or won't be spending at least an hour with an ice pack and downing Advil like tic-tacs.  I am too stubborn to listen to myself and shovel anyway knowing the risks.  Getting a cold is the least of my worries in comparison to feeling incapacitated from a pinched nerve.

I just have a guilty feeling this morning about not being out there shoveling at the crack of dawn.  My husband hates the snow and would prefer to not shovel.  I think that is why he enjoys the pleasure of having a wife that will do the shoveling without complaining.  Well, this morning, there was about an inch or two (maybe more, I did not check with a ruler out there this morning) on the driveway.  My husband took it upon himself to shovel this morning.  I am thankful he did.  It is just that I knew he was out there.  I woke up and saw that he was out there, shoveling all alone.  He was about half way done and I could have easily gone out there and joined him, but I was not feeling "it".  I went back to sleep, played dumb when he woke me up to tell me that he is leaving for work, and even pretended that it was not shoveled and offered to go out there and help him.  My acting abilities were on point this morning.  He said he did the shoveling and I thanked him.  At least the thanking him was honest and not an act.  After he left, I felt bad that I avoided the one thing I have been responsible for all this winter season.  I do have a sinus infection, so I should be given a little leeway in my enthusiasm to shovel again, and again, and again over the next 48 hours or so.

So, this is my confession of the day.  May the penance for my guilty moment of laziness be less than what the weather channel has predicted when it comes to shoveling that happy, fluffy, white mess that has come to town...... PEACE!