I know that I said that I was going to end this blog, but this is something that I needed to think out loud about..... No need to over-analyze my thoughts on this one. I am doing a bang-up job all on my own.
Over the past few months, I have felt that I was under attack from all aspects of my life. While it is painfully obvious that everyone has issues with family, friends, work and whatnot.... I know that my issues are not all that special, nor seem so difficult to overcome in the eyes of others. With the saying, "it is easier said than done", definitely comes to mind when I am thinking these things through. Believe me... I have said this to myself numerous times and I still have put up hurdles to overcome just to take that first step. Big, intimidating hurdles.
I guess I need to tackle these hurdles one by one.....
I believe I have my family issue under control. I have noticed a calm in that storm, and what a relief that is. As certain as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West where I am from.... there will always be a potential for more waves and ebbs to come. That is what life with family is all about.
Knowledge is key when it comes to the change of life. Menopause is no walk in the park and there is a serious lack of rainbows and unicorns on that path, but being aware definitely makes a difference. I am not all that certain that what is shared on the internet is all etched in stone fact. There are so many variances in information that I seem to just take things in stride. Not all that certain that my stride is all that effective, but I have been doing my best and that should count, right?
Sadly, I have not been as social as I would like. Most likely because I am a bit afraid of a misstep in that taking things in stride thing I have going on. I somehow tend to prefer hiding in my house with my Kindle in my hand and a book to read. I am hoping that since this is the beginning of 2017, I can rectify that in the next few months or so. At least when the weather is a bit warmer. Hopefully, not too warm because these hot flashes are just awful.
Now, I need to "think out loud" my current set of hurdles and these seem to be those big, intimidating ones I mentioned earlier.....
To simply state that I am not happy at my place of employment just does not seem to be enough. While I have been thrown into the most childish of games (intentionally or not), I have lost my desire to stay working at the place I have been at for a little over two years. I am stressed, frustrated, and saddened that I need to find a new place to work. I had high hopes that I could call this the one place I could work at until retirement, or until I attain my ultimate goal of having my own little piece of space to call mine and only mine (to rent a salon suite and be my own boss). In order to reach that level of being my own boss, I need to build a loyal clientele. In recent events of a cut rate salon opening a mere two blocks from where I work has been a major hit in customer flow. Especially, when their grand opening special was for haircuts costing $2.99. In this economic smack-down, $2.99 is more appealing than the amount I charge for my services. Being roughly 30 years in the business, I worked hard to achieve the level that I am at. Now, this place has managed to raise their prices to $14.99 over the past few months, but this special was done over the Christmas holiday season and it made a serious dent in my earning potential since I am not paid an hourly wage. Being strictly commission base paid.... it is quite painful watching your client base go down the street. Of course, I cannot forget the underhanded acts in my own place of work for these past two years. At first, I was not under attack in this cutthroat salon. I understand that there is some level of being cutthroat in a commission salon, but when the cross-hairs were settled on me..... all I can say is that I am too nice for my line of work. Especially, since the attack these certain people have is well honed in such a way that a nice person, like myself, is conned to believe that things will get better and to just keep trying.
I have seen, with my own eyes, the actions of these people taking and not caring, but having the audacity to accuse me of being a client stealing sack of (expletive). To hear a change in their welcoming tone and demeanor to something cold and unwelcoming. To play mind games of guilt to their benefit and have zero regard for people to have a choice. I have refused to play these games and I allow people to have the freedom to choose, but to witness the backstabbing that happens to others... suddenly happening to me is a painful thing to see.
What makes this worse is the lies to keep people at arms length. To be the central friend to all in a sea of friend/enemies (fren-emies). Watching the fren-emies circle each other and play nice on the surface, but secretly be shooting daggers in the other's back is not a healthy environment to be in. In respect of where this is happening in a professional environment makes it even harder to overcome the toxicity that thrives within. What is even more sad is the desire to believe in the lies presented, especially when the one lying pulls back and does something nice for you. One nice act should not erase the pain, but I have allowed little tidbits of kindness keep me in a place that is slowly killing the work I love to do and I fear that it is affecting my abilities.
This pseudo-friendship being held together with lies and mind games is what has pushed me to look for a new place to work. Knowing that I should have done this probably a year ago, I still feel physically sick over this. And because I waited this long to make a move, I have a serious side order of uncertainty to deal with. Uncertain that I am making the right choice to where I am going. I cannot afford to be my own boss in all aspects, but I do handle a lot of things on my own as if I am my own boss. The uncertainty is from not knowing what I will be facing at my new place of employment. Sure, people can be nice at the start, but people can also be of a fickle mind. How do I handle the uncertainty? I figured that I just have to face it like everyone else does. Life is not perfect. All that should be expected of me is to keep my head down and do the best work I can do. learn to gain more knowledge, and remain true to the nice person that I am.
While it is easy to write my thoughts, it is still going to be difficult to overcome those hurdles of not wanting to hurt anyone when I make changes that are necessary for me. To let go of the pain from things that have happened in the past and look forward with a positive attitude that it will all turn out for the best in the end. To overcome the nagging doubts in my head is the biggest one that seems to encompass all these feelings that have made me so sad.
I know..... I know.... easier said (or even written) than done.
I guess on a brighter note.... This change is going to be a good thing. Most of the clients I have called are happy to follow me to the new place I am going to work at, in fact, they are thrilled. Sadly, I have lost some before I could make the call to notify them of the change. Hopefully, this new place will bring new opportunities for me. I have put in one day there to see how it feels and I have to say.... it feels like I am making the right choice. Everyone there seems really nice and are excited to have me start soon. It felt like a welcoming hug when I was there and that should be a good sign, right?
