Last blog entry...

There comes a time when a person needs to step back from the course taken and look around.  While I know that there are some people that strictly read this blog to read about what is happening in my life and the obstacles that I face, there are some that choose to read what I share because they happen to appreciate seeing a perspective on things that may or may not jive with what they believe.  Heck, looking back at what has been the most popular postings over these past six years... yep, I started blogging in November of 2007...  there is a pattern of popularity and it usually came from titles that either shocked like the one blog post of "when I worked at a strip club", or the ones that managed to share some very deep thought that rarely ever hit a true positive note.  All of the things I have shared over the years are thoughts that happen to flow freely from my mind and my feelings about it.  Of course, I did share a short story somewhere in the mix, but mostly I shared the experiences and life lessons learned... my life lessons.

Sure, some of my thoughts were relate-able, others not so much, but there was always a reaction given to me.  Some were supportive, others more critical.  I have had people suggest to me that I should write a book or an article piece to share with the news media outlets.  Yes, I did think about doing just that from time to time.  I even considered writing a book, but stopped at the initial thought because with all the books out there and the various genres to consider....  I really had no clue what literary audience I would appeal to or even if I had the talent (or stamina) to write something beyond a few pages.  Heck, writing dialect between people/characters has me breaking out in a sweat because I really have no clue how to carry a story beyond the depth of the main character's views.  Even the notion of writing anything beyond what I happen to feel makes me question every tap of my fingers on the keyboard.

No, I decided that writing is only a hobby and a release of sorts, but I think I have finally hit a point where I just don't have anything worthy of sharing anymore.  That spark of creativity is fading fast.  My social abilities have diminished over the years and I just really do not have much to talk about.  Pretty much, this blog would become a lather, rinse and repeat with nothing new to share.

With all the drama that happens to find its way to my doorstep, I just really feel tired.  My confidence level is shot, my sense of humor is lacking, and my interest in anything beyond just hanging out at my home with yet another book or a handful of beads is taking over.  I have become the antisocial butterfly!  I could chalk this up as a severe case of the winter blues, but I should just accept that life has knocked me down one too many times and I am just too tired to get back up.  The fight in me is gone and there really is nothing anyone can do about that.

I think the last straw was here a month ago.  I know that I have disappointed a fair number of friends in my wake as well as family members.  The strain in family finances took it's toll and the recent cold shoulder/silent treatment I got from DH placed the final nail in my coffin of reaching out.  Believe me, there are plenty of nails in this metaphorical coffin of which I speak of.  The loss of clients at my part-time job, the inability to obtain new ones, the endless number of rejections to applications I put out for a job, the multitude of roadblocks that push me further and further in the box of unworthiness, the need for compassion being snubbed out due to stress making it's extended stay at my home, the constant reminder that even if things can be replaced... it comes at a cost, and the constant nagging sensation that I just do not fit in anywhere anymore.  Sure, there are people that see the problems that lay before me and seem to always have a solution, but never once has any of these people ever looked beyond the surface to fully understand the whole situation.  What they believe is fact and what they say is gospel and when it does not go the way they want it to go.... it is suddenly my fault that I just cannot follow directions.  Trust me when I say this.... I DO FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS!  I have given to the point that there is so little left of me that I have actually dreamed... yes dreamed.... of the day I no longer can be a burden to others ever again.

That finality of life is starting to sound rather comforting to me, but I would never take the fast track to get there.  Nope, I have finally embraced that I have been put here to be punished over and over again.  I am not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or strong enough.  I will always be lacking and I will be reminded of it often through harsh words or acts of pity from others.

With Christmas behind us and biting the bullet, so to speak, by giving DH his Christmas gift, I got exactly what I thought I was going to get out of it.....  The look of disgust, the huff of frustration and 2 more days of the silent treatment to later get an apology with a request to think a little more before doing anything.  I offered the out with mentioning that I could return the gift and get the credit put back on the credit card.  He, of course, agreed it was best to do just that, so I returned his gift to the store.  He did mention that he appreciated the gesture, but we just cannot afford to participate in exchanging gifts between ourselves.  The focus was to be on just DD and her young cousins.  Well, needless to say...  the silent treatment is diminishing and DH has started talking to me again.  It feels quite strained and I refuse to rock this boat more off kilter by saying much, but it appears that the storm is finally passing.  It took almost a week, but it is finally calming down at least in my house.  Now, beyond the four walls of our home is another story.  I got into an argument with my mother, disappointed my siblings and created concern long overdue.  I did not realize at how well I was hiding the negative stuff happening to me for so long.  Now, it appears that my family would be willing to hurt me just a little more by telling me what my next course of actions should be.  Heck, my friends have been saying the same thing, but I have never fully explained the reasons for trying to hold on.

Relationships, as well as life, takes effort.  Taking the easy way out is only allowing yourself to admit that you lied when making a promise.  Sure, promises can be broken, but when a person places so much behind the promise....  You would move Heaven and Earth to try to keep it.  Taking what you may believe is the easy way out is truly not all that easy when there are others to consider beyond yourself.  There are some very strong people that were able to survive after what is considered easy and was able to move forward rather easily from  it.  I have a far harder course to take because I am thinking of others more than I am thinking for myself.  Call me the sacrificial lamb, but I have given so much that there really is not much left to pull me forward and never look back.  I have another person to consider and I cannot, with good conscious, expose them to more strife because I did not plan ahead.  Heck, it is not like I never really planned ahead....  I just never thought that my life, as it is, being this much of a challenge to even desire an easy way out.  I knew that I would be facing challenges.  I knew that there would be bumps in the road along the way, but I never saw what I had coming to me until it did.  Hindsight may be 20/20, but I could never fathom something of this magnitude.  What is even more unsettling is how things beyond our control taking center stage and creating such devastation in its wake.  Heck, this uncontrollable force has affected not just me and my family, but to everyone.

Now, if I really wanted an easy solution...  I would have prayed harder to win the lottery.  When it was over 400 million, I put a few dollars in to take a chance.  In all honesty, I really did not want to win the whole thing.  I just wanted to win enough to get our heads above water to breathe and ease the stress of finances, to have a little put aside for the future and to cover DD's college costs.  Alas, my prayers did not get answered and I lost my $2.  I truly believe that the root of all of our problems stems from money.  The black cloud of stress that offers the threat of losing everything we have is what has made things so bad.  If we did not have that....  I think we really would be okay.  Sadly, the rejections to my applications for work tell me that relief is not coming on the horizon, thus considering taking the easy way out of anything needs to be placed on the back burner for a little longer.  Yep, a vicious circle that has no end in sight.

With all of this mentioned, it is painfully obvious to say that I need to walk away from my mental flossing.  It is time to put everyone out of their misery in reading about my thoughts.  I'll probably keep the blog page going, but I will no longer share my posts on social media if the mood strikes me.  Doubtful for any time soon that happening, but I at least wanted to share this one last blog entry.  Thanks for reading, thanks for contacting me with your thoughts, and I have only one wish before I sign off.....

May you look at life with open eyes, an open mind and an open heart.  While life is a journey taken truly alone, it is the experiences that teach us, and with the open trio (eyes, heart, and mind), there is far more to learn.  See life through all the colors available and realize that as there are may colors, there are even more variances to consider.  Understanding things is not supposed to be complacency to one view, but to see what others see and consider the many angles of which it can be seen.  Perceptions are just one angle to be considered, but question what you see can be uncertain.  Suggest when you see a solution, but be reasonable when what you believe to be the answer is not the right one for the situation.  Judgement and conclusions made are not always what you believe them to be if you take the time to venture into learning more first.  And to truly learn, you need to be open to take ownership of your actions... regardless of the outcome.  Take care, be true, and may your lives be blessed with good fortune.

The many emotions of the holiday season....

The season is upon us.  All walks of faith gather to continue traditions with their families.  Regardless of what you call this season... I hope you all have a memorable-filled time of it.  As for me and my Catholic faith....  It is Christmas; the celebration of the birth of our savior, Jesus Christ.  Sadly, the teachings of the Bible never once brushed upon the fictional character of Santa Claus, but he has become a tradition around the globe.  The giver of gifts to all the good girls and boys, the granter of wishes in the hearts of the innocent, and the icon that pushes all children to be on their best behavior.

Well, with the obvious statement that money is painfully tight everywhere...  I will get to the point of my blog.

As you all know, and if you did not know already, I am a generous person.  Probably to the nth degree, but I am generous nonetheless.  I am helpful, considerate and I always try to put my best effort in everything I do.  Well, according to DH.....  I am the complete opposite and that I spend money like we have money tree growing in the back yard.  Yes, yet again I am to blame that money is tight in our home.  I have been trying to get my foot in the door for a job at the local high school district for 3 years now.  Being a clerical substitute was supposed to put me on the fast-track to getting hired, but alas, it has not.  I have been trying to build my client base at my part-time job at the salon with hopes that I could increase my hours there if getting hired at the school continues to not happen, but alas, even that effort has not worked out as planned.  I worked my fingers to the bone, taking what was supposed to be a stress-relieving hobby into a small business, and all I have managed to achieve is more debt, a surplus of stuff that I cannot sell, and watch my eyesight diminish from dealing with such small beads.  Really, I must have been kidding myself that I could make a go of selling hand-crafted jewelry when stores like Charming Charlie's and Claire's can sell almost the same thing for less than I spent to make it.  I did, though, bite the bullet and started taking on nail clients again when I told my boss, as well as everyone else in that salon, that I no longer wanted to deal with nail services and wanted to focus on hair services.  Of course, with making myself constantly available to do a manicure or pedicure....  any potential hair clients will not look my way because they only see me as a nail tech and no longer a hairdresser.  Needless to say.... I have been feverishly trying to help supplement the family financial situation and only managed to make it worse.  I cannot land a stable-paying job at the school district, I cannot build a hair clientele, and my talents in my hobbies are easily being overshadowed by mass-produced items sold in chain stores.  I am a failure!!

With that being stated, you can see that I have managed to not only disappoint myself, I have disappointed DH beyond words.  He saw the credit card bill and blew a sprocket!  I made a bunch of stuff that I thought would sell.  Apparently, I had the design right, but not the color and had to make more stuff in various colors to spike some interest.  Sadly, I had to increase my pricing and lost their interest.  In a desperate attempt to sell at least something, I cut the price so low that basically even the materials cost was not being covered.  That was when people started buying stuff.  Little did I know that it was going to cost me as much as it did.

With Christmas coming fast and furious, I scraped up what I thought was enough to get something for DH for Christmas.  I always try to do something for him every year.  Some gifts are bigger, and some gifts are smaller, but I try to be as reasonable as possible and find something he would like.  I caught a little grief for getting him a much needed iced tea maker last year and did not think much of it when I got him this year's gift.  It is a really cool thing for the garage and I can only assume he would love it.  

Well......  I am not so sure anymore.  You see, I thought I saved up enough to get this, but was short.  I ended up paying for half of it on my credit card.  I did not think he would make a scene about a charge on my credit card, but just this past weekend, he seriously blew up at me and has not spoken to me since.  Whenever I happen to look his way and catch his eye, I get the most vicious look from him.  He is truly furious with me.  The threat of having to sell our house has been mentioned and the reason why is.... me.  That is what he told me and he has not changed his statement since.  Heck, he won't talk to me, so the statement stays.  The silent treatment, the cold shoulder, the icy look in his eyes at me is more than I can stand.  NOW, what am I going to do with this Christmas present for him?  Do I face the music and get even more viciousness towards me by giving it to him?  Do I offer to return it after giving it to him?  Do I not bother giving it to him and return it to the store?

I fear that this is a... "damned if I do/damned if I don't" scenario.  Heck, he has be believing that my existence is a bad idea.  I feel just awful and I do not know what to do!  The one time of the year that we rarely ever plan for smacking us with what he sees as obligation and I see as thoughtful tradition, putting me in the cross-hairs of even more misery being shoved my way.  Trust me, I have plenty crammed down my throat already.  There is no more room for more.  The only thing keeping me from killing myself is how it would affect my daughter.  I have already figured that being out of DH's life (without the messy cost of a divorce) would have him dancing in the streets if I was to just die.  Yep, that happy season of family tradition is now destroyed because I tried the wrong things to help and created more damage in its wake while I try to fix it.

I will pray again tonight to God that I would appreciate a little break from all this pain.  The stress has thrown my back out, I lost my voice almost 3 days ago, my husband is furious with me, I have a gift that will probably send him completely over the edge that I am unsure if I should give it to him, and I have family coming over in just a few hours for dinner that I have been working on all morning.  I am sick, tired and scared.  This is not how the holidays are supposed to be!

So while I ponder the odds that I will yet again disappoint DH, that my feelings will be hurt again, and I will get the blame for ruining Christmas....  I think it is safe to say that you all will have a good holiday because I have all the bad mojo happening to me.  In fact, enough to just about guarantee a good 1,000 mile radius of happiness for others.  If not.... just come on over and blame me.  It's all my fault anyway......

Selective hearing?

Good morning!  Well, as good as it has potential to be, right?

I yet again spent the evening on the couch.  I was awake before my family... AGAIN.  Heating pad finally cooling off from a round of heat-related therapy and the effects of a dose of pain reliever finally taking it's course.

DH wakes up at his regular time.  He grabs his clean clothes for the day and ventures off to the bathroom to take his shower.  He spots me on the couch, remote in hand and the early news playing on the television.  Only one word crosses his lips.... "Broken?"

"Yep, broken." is my reply.

He goes into the bathroom, takes his shower, gets dressed and walks out of the bathroom with his toothbrush in his mouth...  obviously itching to ask me again the same question he does every morning....  "Broken again?  Why broken again?"

I correct him about his statement/question....  "I am broken all the time.  Not just again.  I just do my best to deal with it.  My once go-to for relief has been taken away when we changed insurance carriers six months ago.  Since our new healthcare coverage does not cover chiropractic care, I am doing all that I can to manage the pain on my own.  We can no longer afford to see my chiropractor, and he is not in network with our new coverage plan.  Heck, with our new coverage plan....  there is no chiropractic coverage to even venture out to see one that might be in network.  We would be responsible for 100% of the bill until we exhaust our deductible AND out of pocket expenses, that is, if anything can be counted towards our deductible.  We just cannot afford it either way anymore.  Believe me... I have checked.  I cried when I got the information, but I am determined to deal with the pain the best that I can and to not burden you with my pain."

Obviously, DH had nothing to say because he has been getting the same answer for months.  This is the usual, regular occurrence in this house at 6:00 in the morning.  Now, it is not as consistent as this may appear.  There are times I actually get a break and can sleep in my bed throughout the night.  The only thing I get as a reward for sleeping through the night in my bed is the agonizing stiffness that has potential to bring me to my knees, that is, if I could bend.

What makes me wonder is.... why the selective hearing?  I have told him repeatedly this tale of woe and there is obviously no solution, no empathy/sympathy (of which, I would get tired of hearing eventually), and no offer of assistance around here.  I do so much around here and if I could just get a little willing assistance to ease the burden....  I would be over the moon!  So why does he need to ask the same question over and over again?!  That is where I assume it is a severe case of selective hearing.

I understand that DH is under a lot of pressure these days.  Heck, I have not seen him get a break, either.  I have willingly done more than others in order to make his life a little easier when he comes home after a long day at work.  I would have hoped that he could see my efforts and at least appreciated them for what they are.  It is not like I look for constant accolades for what I accomplish in a day, but maybe.... just maybe... there would be a little offer here and there to help without complaining about it.  Heck, if I cannot get something done that he wants done, I get attitude, eye rolling, and the audible sighs that make my skin crawl with guilt when he handles it on his own.  I am only one person, darn it, and I cannot do everything all. the. time!  Here is what I mean....

Just last week, we got a little snow.  A little less than an inch.  It was frigid cold and my back was having spasms all day.  My sciatic nerve was raw to the point that walking caused my hip to give way when I tried to walk.  Heck, both hips were screaming in pain and that pain shot in both directions, up and down my backside.  It hurt to stand, sit, lay down.... and move.  I did what I could inside the house with frequent breaks and had dinner on the table waiting for his return home from work.  Dishes from the previous day finally done because I just do not have the stamina to stand hunched over the sink.  I even managed to get basically all the dishes washed from the current day's meal done.  With the exception of what what holding dinner in... I thought I did pretty darn good.  The only thing I did not do was shovel the driveway and sidewalk.  I figured that less than an inch was not exactly that important to clear away immediately.  I WAS WRONG!

DH came barreling through the front door with a chip the size of Texas on it.  Snapping at me that he cannot get a moment to sit down and relax after work because there is shoveling that needs to be done and it appears that nobody cared enough to do this before he came home.  Basically, telling me that I am living the comfortable life eating bon-bons on the couch and spending his money.  That assessment is so far from the truth that it is laughable.  I AM NOT A TROPHY WIFE!!  I know it, but apparently DH thinks I live the trophy wife lifestyle while he is away at work and shoves it in my face that I just cannot understand his situation.  Trust me.... I DO, but I am treated as I am a moron.

I tell him to sit down and eat his dinner.  I grabbed my coat and struggled to put my boots on and he barrels out the door, muttering that he has this.  I already know that a big fight is brewing and I went outside to at least help clear the snow with him, knowing that I will physically pay for it in the end.  I got a clipped 'thank you for your help', once we got inside, but the silent treatment for the rest of the night.  I cried myself to sleep with a prayer on my lips for the pain in my back to stop.

Well, we got some more snow yesterday.  A little over an inch.  I knew I did not want a repeat performance from last week, so I made dinner, did the dishes, and tackled the snow removal on my own before DH was to come home.  I popped some extra pain reliever and moseyed to the couch with the heating pad for my back after he got home.  I fell asleep there and was up before DH got ready for work.  Yep, the pain reliever stopped working, so I was up with the remote again tuned into the morning news.  Yet again, I get the same question from him and still nothing for my efforts.  I can say that my only reward is that he did not have a chip on his shoulder the size of Texas when he came home last night, so I did good.

Well, that is all the sitting I can handle to write this blog to share.  I have things to do and only so much time to accomplish them.  I have carpets to clean, laundry to wash, and such.  Family is coming over next week and with this limited stamina I have going on.... I can only hope I can accomplish it all before they come over.

Thanks for reading and have a nice day.

I am SO not a big fan of crying!!!

Okay, okay, OKAY!!!!  I get it!!  Women are emotional wrecks!  We are apparently wired a certain way that makes crying something normal and usual, but I was not raised to be a weeping idiot!  I recall, as a child, something my father told me....  "Crying is a sign of weakness and people will take advantage of weaknesses.  If you feel like crying, you need to hide it from prying eyes and get past it fast because crying is not going to fix anything."

Trust me, I have tried to hold onto that tidbit of advise from my father and I was pretty good at keeping the crying under wraps, but lately...  I seem to be losing control.  I see a loving gesture on a commercial and I am wallowing in a waterfall of tears (sniffling included).  When a person tries to give me a compliment, my lips are quivering and my vision gets blurred with the burning sensation of tears forming in my eyes.  When someone genuinely asks 'what's wrong', I turn into a weeping puddle with a boggled mind because in all reality.....  I have no clue why I am crying!

Sure, people have events not go their way as well as the occasional sentimental memory coming into focus, but these things never impacted me like this in the past.  Heck, just thinking about them is really no reason to cry and what I tend to have going on in my life is not all that life-shattering that it would warrant any tears to fall from my eyes, but it does.

Just this morning, I was watching the news and listened to a report about a toy for girls that is to chip away at the stereotypes that girls are all about princesses, dolls, and domestic duties while boys can build things, create things and take risks.  While the report was mostly about breaking down those stereotypes and giving girls the opportunity to build things like boys do, but in a way that looks like it is not gender biased, I saw that as an interesting concept....  Introducing girls to something of a career path that is mainly a male role (engineering) and see that there are opportunities beyond the proverbial box laid before them.  What had me blubbering like an emotional fool was the mention of a letter that was written to the creator of "Golidie Blox" that thanked this woman for opening her eyes (at the ripe age of 8 years old, mind you) to the world of engineering and building with creativity.  That this new toy opened a new world for her and a career path that she feels strongly connected to.  Instead of being a homemaker, a teacher, a nurse, or a secretary....  this little girl wants to embark on the mainly male gender held profession of an engineer.  We all know that when it comes to gender-based professions....  Women are showing they are as capable, if not more, than men.  Of course, there are some things that are strictly gender controlled, but career paths are no longer black or white, or set in stone.  My question is.... "Why am I crying over something nice being said to another?"  Oh, and if you are not familiar with the toy I am speaking of....  here is a little ad/video of what I am talking about.....  I will say this....  I am impressed with the Rube Goldberg Machine deal going on here ;)

I tried to rationalize with these current bouts of crying that I am just under a lot of stress, but in all honesty.....  I am not more stressed than usual.  In fact, with all the hobbies keeping my mind blank from stress... I am really in a more calm state than usual.  DH and I are getting along.  DD, on the other hand, is getting on my nerves, but nothing I can't handle.  Sure, there is family drama outside my four walls, but not anything devastating to me.... just usual garbage.  I have noticed that I am a bit more on the short-end-of-the-wick when it comes to mood swings.  I am getting frustrated and angry a lot more than usual.  Hmmmm...  I wonder....  am I in the starting stages of menopause?

Well, I am a trifle bit moody, but I am not suffering the wild temperature changes of sweating and freezing.  I found a hair sprouting from my chin that seems to go away for long after plucking it.  I have gained some serious weight lately and losing it is as difficult as picking the winning numbers of the lottery.  I am not all that sure if the word, "irregular" is surfacing to the top of the list, but I have read that there are some women that go through this stage in life quite differently than others and that there is no real common set of events that tells me otherwise.  It is not an "all or nothing" kind-of thing.  Some women's change is gentle and not realized until after it ends, while others get every bleeping symptom, and there are those somewhere in between.  Sure, I can ask a friend that has gone through this to see if what I am feeling is normal, but they would be looking at me like I have lost my ever-loving mind if I did.  I could ask my doctor, but chances are they would misdiagnose me and claim that I am suffering depression and give me something I do not need.  I am not a fan of pills anyway, so getting me on some regular regime of pills is going to not work out all that well, either.  Heck, I seem to forget to take my vitamins every day!

One thing is for sure..... I am not a fan of crying.  Never was.... never will be.  I just want this emotional roller coaster with zero reasons to stop!  This constant going up and down is really grating on my nerves!!!

Oh well, all vented out for the day.  Thanks for reading and have a day!  Good, bad, or indifferent is all up to you.....

Quantity vs Quality

The holidays are here and you all know what that means!  Spending quality time with family.  Interesting concept.... quality.  When we think of the word quality, we tend to measure that to a value or sense of value.  True as that may be to everyone, it comes far less often than we tend to think.  This is where quantity comes to play.  The generalized meaning of quantity is based on a different value.  That is seen as a number; as in how often or how many times.

In this day and age, we tend to try to attempt more quantity rather than quality.  That is because we all have too much to do in too little of time.  So much that, in fact, the usual and customary traditions are no longer things we look forward to, but to things we feel are mandatory obligations.  Sure, we would love to spend real quality time with family, but it just does not seem to be in the cards for most.  I believe it is all in how a person places more importance on one thing and less on another.  It is human nature to come to terms that everything cannot be valued all at the same level and some things will have to fall to the wayside and be dealt with later.  Well, along with level of demand for attention, there is one other thing that is considered, and that is.....  time management.  Everyone suffers from this ailment, but not all will attest to it.  As in the old saying of realizing 'their eyes are bigger than their stomach', when it comes to food, there is also some truth to how much a person can reasonably accomplish in a day.  Nobody truly considers the potential obstacles that will make their appearances at unexpected times that can range from traffic flow to unforeseen incidences that were never considered.  We are not wired in a way to take in consideration of every possible (and impossible) scenario there is, or ever could be.  Of course, we also have our own level of expectations that are never quite met in the process.  We just need to appreciate what we can accomplish and not beat ourselves up for what we did not get to do.

What sadly happens these days is the feelings that others seem to possess.  Nobody wants to put someone out when it comes to getting things done.  Family traditions are being pushed to the wayside because the harried expressions from the ones we love is bringing on a feeling that these events are now more of an inconvenience or mandatory obligation than something we actually want to do or even look forward to.  It is pretty sad to say this, but slowing down to take in the sights or smell the roses is becoming more and more of a fairy tale than a possible reality.

I learned rather quickly that the views and fundamentals of family become severely skewed the older we get.  I spent a wonderful day with my mother and mother-in-law last week and saw actual happiness on the faces of people that I was almost believing were unhappy all the time.  Of course, it took for someone to make the effort to make it happen (aka: me), but once I got my point across that I wanted to spend time with them, they felt less like they were a burden.  Just this morning, I had to drive DD to school again and saw that my recently widowed neighbor needed her walkways and driveway cleared from yesterday's snow.  Once I got home, I put on my snow shoveling gear, grabbed my shovel and cleared her walkway and driveway.  Of course, I had to do it all stealth-like because she feels like she was putting people out because she is too old to do it herself.  Of course, my stealth-like attempts were caught and I had to reassure her that I wanted to do this for her and not because it was a chore to get done.  Heck, it is her house, she has kids that can drive the 40 minutes to come over and do this for her, but why?  I live a few houses down and I was available and willing.

Obviously, my stealth-like moves were caught, but fortunately at the very end of the job.  Would you believe that she actually expressed remorse  for seeing me clear the snow for her?  I took the time and effort to reassure her that I wanted to do this for her because I want her to be able to safely go outside with her dog for the morning walk.  She tried to offer me some coffee, but I declined.  I don't drink the stuff, but I did appreciate the smile she gave me and that was payment enough.  I may not fully understand her situation, but I can empathize and that is what made making the decision to help that much easier.  Hopefully, she does not feel like rewarding me with cookies or something of the sort.... I am failing at my diet as it is and don't need the extra calories to set me back even further than I already happen to be.

Now, with that in mind....  I could have easily driven myself with my trusty shovel to my mom's and my in-laws, but I have no doubt that they had their snow removal under control or already done.  Shoveling is apparently good exercise, but murder on my back.  I think I need to get one of those ergonomically engineered shovels for the winter season.  My back just might not make it the season and with no chiropractic care offered in our health plan....  I cannot afford to take the risk.  Otherwise, I am feeling pretty good right now.

Sorry about the segue to something off topic, but here is the conclusion I am trying to make.....

Life should have more quality than quantity to it.  Hold tightly to those traditions and values you have had growing up because it is quite easy to forget the foundation to life.  People before things and all that will be more rewarding in the long haul than leaving behind a lot of stuff and being alone.  Sure, life is busy, but only you can chart the course and carve out the time to take in the sights as well as stop from time to time to just smell the roses.  Open your eyes to what you have accomplished and appreciate how far you have come, but never forget those that helped you get to where you are today.  Care for others in a manner of which you would want to be cared about because regret is a toxin that poisons the soul and your well-being.  Be honest with yourself as well with others, but do it in a way that nurtures rather than hurts.  Empathize before criticizing and always keep your eyes open for learning.  Some of the most treasured things are not bought from a store, they are basically free to give....  Love, understanding, respect, and care.  As long as you are willing to give it, people will offer it in return.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!  I am now off to wrapping DH's Christmas present that he does not know I got for him and off to find one of those ergonomically engineered shovels.  Hopefully I can find one on sale ;)

Relating, but not relating.....

What I happen to share on my blog is things I happen to have feelings about.  Sometimes, it is very strong and other times, it is just a little on the annoying side.  What I do know is that people happen to relate to what I share.  Well, not exactly, but as like the game, "seven degrees of separation", (aka seven degrees of Kevin Bacon), there will always be something that matches somewhere that connects to the same end becomes what is considered relate-able.  Usually, it is a feeling that matches, but it can also match in an opinion.

With that being said, here is where I feel I need to share the one thing that makes my blog make sense for today.....  It is the inability to relate because of a different personal situation to a shared thing.  Simply put, a person that does not have children may think that they can relate to someone who does, but they simply just can't.  This assumption that they can relate, or even understand, boggles the mind.  Mainly due to the lack of connection to the situation.  Kind-of like getting an outside opinion, but knowing that once the opinion cannot relate to the situation makes it hard to consider the option.  While the person that does not have children can easily take a harsher stand to make a point, it is the fact that a parent takes a totally different approach that makes these non-relating people not relate in any shape of form.  I guess that the old saying of 'walking a mile in someone else's shoes' does apply after all.  Also, does the other saying of 'judging one's book by it's cover'.  Yes, situations can be similar, but they never are exact.

What I do happen to find unnerving is the push people have in believing that what they believe is right, happens to not be right for everyone involved.  There is zero wiggle room to consider other alternatives....  Basically, it is either black or white with no shades of gray to consider.  People that happen to be that opinionated and convinced that they know everything is really painfully far from the truth.  Heck, they really do not have the desire to learn any more from life and the events that come from it that it saddens me to the point of tears.  Nobody on this plane of existence is perfect...  we are to strive to be the best that we can be.  Well, maybe at this point, I am trying to show that a judgement should not be made without all the facts in place.  Making assumptions and standing with such vigor at what you think can prove to be quite ignorant actions seen by others.

The reason for today's blog is because I have experienced, first hand, the pain that family can bring.  With Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas just around the corner.....  I am seeing the family dynamic crumble before my eyes.  What hurts even more is that this has been happening for years and I have played ignorant to it.  Siblings fighting, opinions flying, and harsh actions being taken on people that are supposed to care for one another because really, if we do not have family....  we really do not have much.  Sure, we can have plenty of friends, but there are not that many friends that will weather any storm with you and always have your back in times of need.  What friend will be willing to forgive as easily as family is capable of?  Where do you find support when you feel things are crumbling at your feet?  Friends can only do so much.... it is family that handles the good, the bad, and the ugly without running for the hills.  Heck, where do people get off thinking that once you are fully grown, you can ignore your parents because they somehow do not fit in your plans anymore?  Parents are the first to sacrifice for their children and the very last to turn their backs on a bad situation.  Sure, parents are opinionated, but that is because of their wealth of knowledge they had well before you were born.  Sure, parents will fight with you, but their fight is to stand up for what they believe is more than what they had.  They only want what is best for you, regardless of how old you are....  You are their baby no matter what.  That is what parents give.... unconditional love and support.  Maybe not at the level you believe you deserve, but they give this willingly and continue to even when you shut them out, ignore them, and treat them with disrespect.  It angers me to no end that there are people that put conditions upon the love they get from their parents.  Heck, the lack of ability to try harder to maintain a relationship with our parents makes me sick to my stomach.  We all learned that life is never fair, not easy, but apparently some people never remembered that lesson when it comes down to a reasonable expectation that family should matter... no matter where our lives take us.  Nope, people would sooner want to place their elders in a home and forget about them, or place the responsibility on others to put in the effort to take care of things.  Spending quality time with family has become a chore to some and holidays have become an unwelcome mandatory event to attend to.   Never once has it been considered that these attempts of getting family together during the holidays is because the chances of getting everyone together is greater at those times than at some random day in any given month?  Sure, we have lives to live and things to attend to, but never managing a little time towards family is a painfully poor excuse to me.  Sure, plans can be made and be broken, but there needs to be some consideration to those you break your plans for as well as appreciation to those that attend.

I guess what I am getting at is....  we can all relate and not relate at the same time.  But if there is an effort to look at all the angles and really connect to what we can relate upon...  maybe, just maybe, relating to a situation can become more of an understanding instead of an opinion.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.....

The Mental(ity)block.....

Have you ever noticed that just about everything is affected by attitude and level of confidence?

Lets just say that individual attitude is what makes or breaks a life event, okay?  My last blog post, I asked 'Why can't I be that confident person that can face the world (flaws and all) and just be happy in the now?', and apparently, there was a serious misunderstanding by some people that felt compelled to confront me face-to-face about it.  It was probably due to the fact that I was just not all that thrilled with the notion of going back to dieting in order to feel better about myself when it basically does the opposite in attitude.  You know, as well as I, that when a person goes on a diet... they feel deprived and cranky.  Exercise feels more like a punishment than a fun thing to do.  The constant watchful eye on calorie count, fat grams, and nutritional knowledge that makes the people that are around them very uncertain of a positive experience because jealousy rears it's ugly head because chances are.....  others that surround a dieter are not on a sacrificial journey to lose some weight and are free to eat whatever they want with zero guilt attached.  TRUST ME...  I am fully versed in this world.  I am a meat and potatoes kind-of girl that is being forced to live eating like a rabbit.  Definitely NOT a happy journey to be taking, if you ask me.

Of course, it is an all too common journey taken by women everywhere.  Men happen to take this journey, too, but with their metabolism being different...  the journey is short-lived and rarely ever feels like a diet to them.  For women... it is a life long battle that pushes the limits of even the most reasonable of women to the brink.  You rarely ever hear a man say, 'Just hand me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt!'...  nope, that is something a woman on the edge is saying and it fares far better if you do as the lady asks ;)

What I am trying to get at is the recent misunderstanding of what I was trying to share last time spurned on a subject that I felt needed to be shared.  In fact, I almost feel compelled to spell it all out in capital letters to get my point across, but alas I cannot alter a person's perception of anything because they will already have a preconceived notion of what I am saying without fully reading the blog.  Of course, the truth is....  these people that act upon what they perceive are those type of people that never read the owner's manual to anything they own and rarely, if ever read the instructions before using a new item.  You know who you are, so don't deny it....

You are probably asking, 'Would you get to the point already?', and here is my simplest reply.... so here goes....

The point is......  In every experience we happen to have in life, good or bad, it is shaped by the attitude we have.  It is very rare to find a person feeling all confident and happy with their weight to suddenly go on a diet/lifestyle change and be happy with it.  It is rare to find a person looking forward to swimsuit shopping after gaining the usual holiday weight that happens to all of us.  It is uncommon to find a person jumping for joy about getting a root canal.  It is even more uncommon to find a person that is looking forward to rejection of any shape or form.  No, things like these (and many more) are least enjoyed and our attitudes affect it greatly.  In fact, it increases the displeasure when the displeasure in already in place before it happens.

We are not perpetual rays of sunshine that seek the good in everything.  We all get disappointed from time to time.  Heck, life is not always fair or easy.  It is how we choose to perceive something is what draws us to early conclusions.

Sure, people are wonderful actors.  We can slap on a smile and pretend that everything is coming up roses for everyone else around us, but acting can only take us so far.  We do happen to choose those select few to know the whole truth, but in general, life becomes more of an act instead of a life filled with feelings.  That is where I see the line between fake and reality being blurred.

I just had a nice long talk with my best friend last night.  She is miles away, but just talking with her opened up my mind considerably.  Of course, she does share with me some interesting things she happens to find and one thing I will have to research further is the notion that talking about negativity brings on some sort of euphoric high to the brain and that it has potential of becoming addictive to see the negative in everything.  In fact, it can make a usually positive person look at everything in a negative light.  It sounds just odd enough to be something quite reasonable when it comes down to certain people I happen to know.  In fact, it seems to explain a lot to me about those kind of people.  That it just might be that being miserable is what makes them happy.  Oh, I know... total head scratching concept, but it sure sounds plausible to me.  I, personally, would prefer to be happy because I am happy and not because I am miserable or I drag others around me to "misery town", but as I am typing this....  I am seeing some shred of truth to it.  Quite sad, if you ask me, but we are a complex breed.

NOW TO THE POINT OF THIS BLOG.....

With these recent findings of feelings affecting basically everything we experience and how these feelings affect out perception of an event personally taken.... is it possible to truly create a change in attitude over a negative thing and make it a positive experience?  Or do we need to already be in a positive/confident state of mind to truly become successful?

Does a nagging notion of dislike to a number on a scale hold value to a person's self worth?  Does this feeling of being less than worthy affect the outcome of an act to improve the outcome of a less than enjoyable journey being taken?

And...

How does one achieve the confidence and positive mentality to achieve a goal set before them?

That is what I am thinking about today.
Thanks for reading and have a great day...

Why can't I.....

I just saw a recent picture taken of me and I have come to the conclusion that I need to pull the plug on future pictures.  If I have to use the phrase that I am in WITSEC (witness protection)... I will.

If you have not figured by the above statement.... I rarely ever look in the mirror and did not realize how much weight I have gained over the past few months.  Of course, as it is well known....  when one gives up a habit, another will take its place.  I thought I was eating right, but alas the proof is in the photograph.  Quite depressing, if you ask me, but the facts rarely ever lie.

I know, I know....  women have a tendency to rate their worthiness by a number.  It ranges from the most depressing places (the bathroom scale), and expands from there to clothing size.  While I still fit in my clothes, I have noticed that they fit just a little tighter than before.  Of course, if you saw me on a daily basis.... I wear fairly baggy clothes to begin with.  I feel it hides the flaws better.  Oh, and most of my clothes are in shades of black, gray, or other solid, dark colors.  I rarely wear anything with a pattern, and if it does have one.... it is on my shirt and nowhere else.

What got me to see that I have a serious problem is when I saw the picture of me.  I appeared to be..... puffy.  My face looks quite fuller and there seems to be a little extra residing under my chin.

I usually avoid the scale like the plague and numbers happen to scare me, but depress me at the same time.  So when curiosity reared it's ugly head this morning....  I faced the evil demon in my bathroom.... the scale... and resolved to accept it's dismal fate.  Trust me... I knew I was going to be disappointed...  Just not that disappointed.  Yep, the overly-critical girl has returned and the decision has been made that I need to return to being a food hating, happiness killing monster that will most likely sabotage myself in the very near future because I am a weak person.  So, be prepared for me to be silent in social circles.  It is far safer to not poke this bear for a while.

I resigned up on my Weight Watchers site and had it recalculate what I am allowed point-wise a day.  I will be researching the serving size of everything edible in my home.  Snacking will be rationed out like a war-torn country under a vicious dictatorship.  DH will be forewarned very soon about the potential crying jags once I have no more points to consume for the day because their picky eating choices are obviously not weight watcher approved food choices.  The investment in a new bottle of vitamins to cover the nutrient loss I will be suffering with such iron-fist controlled dietary restrictions are now going to also be counted in the all mighty points fashion.  Yep, I am even giving nutritional supplements a points value because chances are.....  they have one that weight watchers does not tell you about and failure will become more evident if I do not succeed in a timely fashion.  Of course, I know I have to be reasonable about the scale number going down at a slower pace than it took to gain, but I am going to have to be extreme if I ever want to see results.  Oh, and don't get me started on the water drinking frenzy that is waiting for me....  I seriously will be fearful of drowning by water consumption at the levels that I am looking at.  Oh joy!  All the bland water I can consume daily....  Someone slap me!!  I must be dreaming!!!  I feel like I won the water drinking lottery!!!!

What I happen to wonder is....  Why can't I be that confident woman that does not base her beauty by a number?  How can I overcome the insecurities that I have ingrained in my psyche that I am less worthy of a person because of my weight, my clothing size and how awful I look in pictures?  Is it possible to overlook the imperfections and achieve acceptance?  Do I really need to be waif thin to be truly happy?  Heck, how do I accept compliments as they are and grow from them if I constantly voice my doubts of their sincerity?  People are capable of saying nice things because you are nice to them,  but does that really mean that they are being fully honest with you?  Heck, I just wonder how I can embrace the food-Nazi lifestyle where I have to pick apart everything that passes my lips because according to weight watchers.....  This is not a "diet"... it is a lifestyle change to be continued for the rest of my life.  And with the holidays just around the corner?  Oh, this should be fun!!!

Just be forewarned....  There will probably be long periods of silence from me.  My head shall be too clogged with points values to everything in my life.  From food allowances used to exercise/activity points earned.  My head is already spinning in trying to figure out how I can make this work and remain working for the rest of my existence...  to never once lose sight of the prize, and to be strong enough to pick myself up once I fail because I know I will fail along this journey.  Heck, I will need the strength to keep picking myself up because the self-saboteur in me will be working overtime, regardless of the desire to succeed.  UGH!  I am already dreading the journey and I have not taken more than a few small steps....  This is not good....

Thanks for reading and have a great day....

The fragility of life.....

I know, as well as countless others, that life is a gamble.  A risk usually willingly taken by choice, with hopes that the outcome is favorable.  We are aware that when it comes to risk factors....  it really is a 50/50 chance.  Regardless of the true risk factors because we are cautionary people...  even in the most dangerous of times.  The reason behind the natural instinct to be cautious?  The true fear of an untimely death.

It is common knowledge that we are all destined to die at some point in our lives.  Some far sooner than others, but it is destined to happen.  While most of us like to believe that our life expectancy is determined by a higher power, there is a small number that make that decision all on our own.  Does this make acceptance of death any easier to take?  No.

I guess the reason I am sharing this morbid thought today is because I lost another person from my life.

Just yesterday, I got the news that another neighbor of mine has passed away.  Of course, it was a total shock at how this came about because this person's death happened because of an injury that could have been avoided.

I am the type of person that once you become my friend.... you are a true friend.  Sure, we all have different levels of friends and friendships that range from acquaintance to sibling-from-another-family-best friend.  I just happen to see this pool of friends more as a thread in the tapestry of my life and every thread is important to me.  All appreciated... all revered...

Well, this neighbor/friend of mine was a 86 year old gem.  He was the kindest and most generous person I had the pleasure of meeting in my journey of life.  Of course, the how I got to know this person (and his wife) was through their pet.  Yep, a dog lover at heart always seems to connect with other dog lovers far easier than others.  This true gentleman always had a smile upon his face and always kind words coming from his mouth.  Heck, I saw him as a perpetual ray of sunshine.  A stubborn and determined to remain active ray of sunshine.  I recall times in the winter, this man walking his dog down my sidewalk to stop by, hand me the leash and grab my shovel to help me clear my driveway while I got to be greeted with "puppy happiness" in my day.  It always ended up with me taking my shovel back from him to tell him it is not necessary to do my job, but he would give me that look that told me that I was not to do a man's job.  Yep, a true gentleman.  Albeit a bit old-fashioned, but a true gentleman.  He reminded me of my dad.  With my dad being gone for almost 13 years....  this man with his old-fashioned gentlemanly ways reminded me that even though he was gone... he would never be forgotten.

Knowing the stubborn streak this gem of a neighbor was, I should not be surprised that he would do as he pleased and would get himself hurt, but it did anyway.  His wife demanded that he should not go on the roof to clean the gutters of the fallen leaves.  She was arranging for one of their kids to handle this, or even considering calling a service to handle it for them.  Climbing on to the roof is a serious risk that should not be taken by the likes of an 86 year old man.  His stubbornness and determination came at a price because he decided to climb on the roof while his wife went to the grocery store.  With their house being down the block from my house, I could not see him climb onto the roof, nor did I see him fall off the roof... nobody did. But I did see the paramedics come screaming down my street when his wife came home to blood on her front porch step and the ladder laying on the ground.  Somehow, her husband, in shock apparently, got himself into the house and up the stairs and into bed.  He even took off his shoes at the door and hung his coat on the chair.  I learned that he lost all speech capabilities and was falling unconscious when his wife found him.  A severe head injury, a broken hip, a broken wrist, and a broken leg is what happened upon impact.  Internal bleeding on the brain is what did him in.  He did not make it through the night.

If he would have listened to his wife and avoided going on the roof, chances are he would still be here with us today...  spreading his kindness, positive attitude, and being the reminder that true gentlemen still exist.

Heck, just thinking of the risk for cleaning gutters makes me shiver.  That is one thing I will not do here at my own home.  DH handles that task and I now have even more reason to be fearful.  We are not getting any younger and even though the odds are always a true 50/50....  I see this as a risk that nobody should take.  There needs to be some sort of safety measure in place, but even with safety measures.... the risk is still a true 50/50.  I know I am not willing to take it, but others are.  All I know is that if it is my time to pass....  I want it to be peaceful and in my sleep because my gentle neighbor's way was filled with fear and pain.  Falling from a roof for Pete's sake!!!  I feel sick just thinking about it.  It also reminds me the fragility of life as well as the uncertainty of how much time we really have.

Be safe, friends, and have a great day.

An update for those that are curious.....

Well, it appears that my efforts actually achieved something!!!!

Here is what I managed to learn.....

When I got up Saturday morning, I put DH's note with the tickets and gift card on the coffee maker and was just about ready to leave for the day.  I was super excited for what I did manage to accomplish without ruining the surprise, but I could not wait any longer.  I accidentally "spilled the beans" that there was a surprise waiting to be seen, waiting for DH when I went to tell him I was leaving for work.  HEY!  It was a major accomplishment on my part that I did not tell him about these plans I made for them when I got everything together days ago, so there!  Growth on my part!

Well, the excitement I thought was going to happen over this little planned adventure did not arrive when DH went to look at the packet I left for him.  His first comment was how doing something like this was ruining his plans to cleaning up leaves for the day.  Really?????  Cleaning up leaves on a windy way was taking a more important role than spending quality time with his daughter?????

I was not pleased, to say the least, when I heard his reluctance to going anywhere other than the yard that surrounds our home.  I put my anger aside and stated the importance of this little trip.  With fingers crossed and hope in my heart, I urged DH to at least try and left for work.

All throughout the day at my job, I was thinking about the distinct possibility that DH could easily disappoint DD yet again.  You see, she already knew my plans and was excited to take this little adventure.  If she had her heart broken..... well, I do not know what I would do, but I assure you all.... it would be something and probably something not very nice.  With renewed hope and belief that DH would not let DD down, I made it through my day at the salon.

Tired and sore from a day that had me bouncing from one end of the salon to the other, I made it home to make dinner.  Dishes from the previous night not washed were still sitting in the sink, but I did not get upset.  I needed to know if DH did what I asked him to do.  Then......

DD comes up to me and in an excited way starts to share with me all the fun she had with her father.  Heck, she could not wait for dinner to be done and on the table to start talking about their day and what fun it was.  That plan of sharing our day over dinner apparently was not soon enough for my darling daughter.  She needed to share her feelings right away!  I was relieved, to say the least, that my plans worked without any problems.  In fact, I learned that DH put his most charming foot forward and that made me smile.  They even took the time to walk the mall, talk and just look at stuff together.  They even talked over lunch and talked the whole way home.  I was thrilled!  Then, of course, I did feel a little bad for DH at first.  He had a hangover to deal with, but not so guilty that he had to listen to his teenage daughter talk his ear off.  Paybacks are fair game in my book.  I warned him that being a parent will take patience.  Heck, I told him that being a parent is more than just financial backing.  It takes spending time awake, alert, and ready for just about anything.

After the roar of excitement was finally dying down, I even heard something that I rarely ever hear from DH....  An honest sign of appreciation with a "Thanks" attached.  Really??  A thanks for planning something fun for their day??  A mention that they even managed to have some fun in the process?  Heck, even the "words of wisdom" that he passed on to our daughter over the hype of a smart phone.  Who knew he had it in him to say that a smart phone is not all that smart.  It is really about the person who uses the phone that makes it smart and regardless of what her friends taunt her about with not owning a smart phone...  she has the smartest phone around.  Definitely a tug of the heart springs, if you ask me.....

With the success of this little adventure, I finally now see the potential of a great father/daughter relationship.  In fact, these tow are getting along a lot better over this past week and I look forward to more growth for the both of them.  I just have to keep reinforcing everything and maybe I can rest at night knowing that they finally get it..... Family is important.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

Hoping and praying this goes right....

Good morning!  I am putting the finishing touches on the father/daughter adventure I have planned for DH and DD.  If you have not read my previous blog entry, here is the Cliff's Notes version....

Got a call from DD's school with yet another mention that DD scored high on the test to determine if you suffer from depression.  Isn't that great?  She did not even study for that one and got high marks!  (Obviously said in sarcasm, if you did not get that... I gotta be really clear with what I share with these days, so there is zero misunderstanding)  After having a long conversation with the school counselor and pointed out some seriously obvious signs that this screening system is totally bunk, I either had an epiphany or a mental snap once I hung up the phone.  I made the decision that I needed to fully reinforce the June Cleaver/Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch, and Ozzie and Harriet Show card....  Changes needed to be made at home to reflect a more classic family persona with family dinners at the table with all family members present as well as making it mandatory that DH and DD share at least one father/daughter adventure in order to bond.  You see, DH prefers to treat DD more like a younger sibling with teasing and whatnot when he should be acting like her father.  Who knows, this childish behavior is probably his way of showing affection towards DD and I, but I have had my fill of being the only adult in this house and I decided change is in order once I hung up the phone.

I had a talk with DH (a really harsh one about his behavior, basically reprimanding him like he is a child) and laid out my plan of action.  Then, I had a long talk with DD about her behavior towards her father, as well as her behavior around me, and laid out the plan of action to her.  There were to be no distractions during family meals, all meals are at the dining room table, and WE WERE TO TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!

Well, the dinner thing/check your attitude plan was part one of the changes that were to happen in our home.  The second part is improving the father/daughter bond.

Ever since DD was born, in fact, even before I married DH, I felt it was a reasonable thing to let DH decompress with friends at least once a week.  Of course, before DH's little health scare, he took advantage of that by making it a daily thing and allow him to sleep the fun off over the weekend.  Once he had his health scare, he scaled back the number of times he had a beer with his friends to only one night a week and that has been Friday nights.  So far, so good, he has held that tradition, sadly with an iron fist, but he definitely dialed it back and I am happy for that.  Rome was not built in a day and neither is changing a habit.  Well, after DD was born, I decided to go back to work, part time, in a salon, just so I can keep my wits about me.  I was at a point where I could understand baby babble better than actual speaking the English language and that was scaring me.  Of course, this plan was not made without a secondary plan...  I wanted DH to have the opportunity to step up as a father and take care of his daughter.  At the beginning, it was easy since she slept all the time, but once she got older... I figured that DH would step up his game and actually do things or take his daughter places, but alas, I already knew what was going on.  She spent the day sleeping off his beer and buddies night before while DD was left with the TV to entertain her.  It upset me to no end, but if I was to quit my part time job to interact with society, then DH probably would have opted to be even more hung over and left all the child care for me to handle while he lounged around the house, not stepping up to being a father.

I was fortunate enough that my side of the family wanted to spend time with DD.  In fact, my brother made (and kept) plans for him and her to do something.  It was usually going fishing, but it was spending quality time making memories for her and I am ever so thankful for that.  It was the sign that I was not raising DD alone when my family stepped up to help me.  My in-laws, on the other hand, were too busy to fit us in their busy schedules.  The credit goes to my mom and my big brother for making sure DD felt loved beyond her parents....  Thanks to them....  I have given DD a foundation of some good memories beyond being taken care of by me.

Well, with the knowledge that DH was never one to take DD out for an adventure or even create some kind of memory that could comfort her, I decided to take it upon myself to make it happen.  DH has complained that it is too expensive to do anything and we are obviously too financially strapped to do anything beyond hang out at home, I took the money I earned, so far, from my subbing days at the local high school.  Sadly, 4 paid hours after taxes is not much, but I took it and dedicated it to giving DH and DD something to do together.

I researched, on line, for fun things to do that do not cost much.  In fact, I looked for free things to do, but what was offered as free still cost something, so I found a few options for them.  I will be planning them to happen over the next few weekends while I am at work.  This weekend is the first adventure.

I prepaid for their tickets to a 5D movie experience.  What is 5D, you ask?  Simple....  It is a 3D movie you watch with moving chairs, wind machines, and whatnot to make the viewer actually feel the experience.  It is only a 30 minute experience, but it sounds like a load of fun for them.  Then, I got them a gift card to a restaurant for their lunch.  You see, I took that $40 paycheck and turned it into lunch and a short movie for DD and DH to share experiencing.  It is not an all day excursion, but a couple of hours of solid one-on-one time.  I typed my instructional letter and placed it in an envelope for DH to open tomorrow while I am away at work.  DD knows about this and I told her to keep at him to follow my instructions to the letter.  Once I get home, make dinner and have everyone at the table together, I will get to hear all about their adventure.

Trust me.... it sounds way better than the usual... "Oh, nothing happened here while you were away, Mom." if I get to hear that they actually went somewhere and did something.  Of course, it also proves to DH that it does not need to break the bank to create a memory.

I have a couple more ideas up my sleeve and one I will be participating in it and that is going to a learning zoo in a town roughly 30 minutes away by car from our home.  Entrance fee is $5 for adults and free for kids under the age of 17.  It is not a large venue like the bigger zoos near Chicago, but I see it as an experience nonetheless.  The other will take some saving up to to, but with Christmas being right around the corner, I know I will see an increase in my paycheck with the increase in work.  Yep, being strictly on commission is hard, with that feast/famine aspect, but I believe I can afford to get them to an indoor go-kart track as well as maybe supply them with a few games of laser tag.  Once DH finally sees that it is possible to do things without breaking the bank, he just might realize that I am not all that stupid and could fix some of the other problems we have here.  I swear, giving him that "big boy pill" when it came to the bills backfired when he turned into a total miser, but if he would listen to me.... he might see that what we have is actually workable and not so miserable.

Once I get these plans in action, there will probably be more, but this is a good start.  So far, the sitting at the table plan is working quite well and the animosity is less here.  There is so much work that is needed to be done and I am determined to at least try.  Lets just hope that my efforts change DD's tendency to be so drama filled that she does not score all that high on future depression screenings since our family is starting to coalesce as a team that can work together.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

The game changer...

Morning, folks!  Just a quick addition to my mental floss and off to tackle the day....

I admit that I have tried really hard at fixing things in my home for quite a long time.  I had faith that my family would catch on and at least give an effort towards improving things around here and obviously, it has not worked.  So, I chose to take on the family issues from another angle.  You can call it a "change in the game" and you can even call me "the game changer", but who knew that hitting my breaking point would start something actually positive around here?  Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather, but there has been a positive change, albeit forced upon my family, but a positive change nonetheless over the past 24 hours and I am absolutely thrilled about it!!

So, let me share with you the events leading to this point.....

Yesterday morning was like every morning in my household.  Up before the sun was rising because I have a few seriously pinched nerves in my back.  I watch DH go running around in the dark, getting ready to hit the shower, I see DD's bedroom light turn on and hear her scramble to find something to wear for school, and I noticed that there is very little talk going on.  While usually, I do not mind because I am not a morning person and I was awake because of back pain, I saw this as something to take note of.

After DH takes his shower, I moseyed off to make some breakfast and figured I would make some breakfast for the others, too.  Kind-of like an "Ozzie and Harriet, Brady Bunch, or Leave it to Beaver" moment.  You see, usually DH grabs a bowl of his Cheerios and DD makes herself a bowl of instant oatmeal in the morning.  I decided to make everyone pancakes instead.  The reaction was surprising, to say the least.  That little act of domestic life is not all that common here, but welcomed.  I obviously took note of that.  Then, I let my family do the rest of their morning routine of scrambling around, getting things done that need to be before leaving for the day.....  like grabbing a coat, a backpack, or whatnot before bolting out the door.  I noticed yet another thing.....  the niceties were lacking.  Those, "have a nice day" comments were not there.  Just a quick "goodbye" or "see ya later" comments were said before bolting out the door.  Hmmmm...  yet another thing I took note of.

It appears that my family seems to function on less of being like a family and more like bumper cars doing their best to avoid collision.  Family togetherness is not exactly togetherness at all.  We seem to exist in one residence, but nothing more and it had me thinking.....

My musings were interrupted when I got a call from the school.  It appears that they were showing a movie and having the kids fill out questionnaires on a few hot topics that kids normally do not want to talk about....  Depression/suicide, and bullying.  That sure sounds like a heel-clicking good time for a Monday, don't you think?  Well, beyond my less than positive feel about this subject being a part of DD's learning experience, the school counselor called me.  Apparently, it was important to mention to me that while DD is not suicidal, she did score quite high on the test to see if she suffers from depression.  Oh joy!  Here we go again!!  After a long discussion of my awareness of DD's tendency to push the dramatic envelope and that I would yet again force her to speak to me again about what it is this time that has her panties in a wad, I assured the counselor that I already had her checked by a professional and was told that she is a normal child that holds onto sad moments like a crutch for an excuse when things do not go her way.  I was even willing to show this woman the bill for the local hospital doing a psych evaluation and even ask to get the results so she can ease up on believing that cookie-cutter test because everyone suffers from depression from time to time.  It is the ability to not let the negativity hold you down that should be highlighted here.  Not some general question that everyone can agree to, like.....  Do you ever feel sad?  Heck, everyone feels sad from time to time, but does that mean you are clinically depressed?  Nope, but according to that test with the yes/no answer....  it makes the assumption for you.

Okay, time to step off that podium because I took that route once and the only thing it did for me is lighten up my bank balance and tick me off.  The only thing that I did manage to learn in healing the feelings part of my mind was to find an outlet to release and turn to that... thus this blog.  It seems to work.  Most of the time, but I digress, I need to get the rest of this shared so I can do what I have planned for the day.

After the call from the school, I either snapped mentally, or I had an epiphany.  Something had to change here!

I realized I needed to look back and see where some changes are needed to be made here in our family unit.  Trust me, I have tried various things to see if there is a solution to the deterioration of this family unit.  These were my findings and this is what is being addressed... so far....

1).  DH was not exactly raised like I was when it came to parental involvement.  In fact, I get the feeling from what DH has told me about his childhood, his father was the breadwinner and his mother was the caregiver and never once was that line ever crossed.  The breadwinner doled out the punishment to all.  He was the decision maker and ruled the roost with an iron fist.  The caregiver just reported to the breadwinner of the days events, the misbehavior's, and took care of the home.  ALL cooking, cleaning and child rearing was her responsibility with a limited budget given to her from the breadwinner and that was it.  (My result in this finding:  DH believes that love towards his family has a price tag and supporting his family financially and not emotionally is showing his love for his family)

2).  Stress is a demon that everyone suffers.  Especially when money being paid out for bills exceeds money being brought in.  Heck, everyone is trying to decipher what is considered a true necessity and what is just an item we would want to have.  When dealing with stress, people turn to different "outlets" to diffuse the tension that stress creates.  Some turn to drinking, some turn to smoking, some turn to shopping and others turn to fighting.  Okay, there are a few that choose other things, like reading, crafts/hobbies, writing, eating, and whatnot, but you get my drift, right?  There is an outlet that a person chooses to take in order to release the tension and become more at ease around those that they love.  Sadly, the desire for the outlet can oust those around you that love you instead of bringing an understanding.  In my case, DH chooses to have drinks at the end of the week and sleep it off over the weekend with having the ultimate control over the remote and a permanent dent in the recliner.  DD chooses to hide in a virtual world of computer games and music blaring through a pair of ear buds.  I choose to escape reading a book, stringing beads, crocheting, blogging, and an occasional visit with friends to have a beer or two.  Depends upon what appeals to me at the moment, but I admit, I have a very diversified stress relief plan.  While there is stress in the house and stress over finances... we, as a family do not spend time together without distractions to just connect.  In fact, if we did not go grocery shopping together as a family....  I doubt we would see much of each other in our own home since we choose to be in separate parts of the house.  (My result in this finding:  We do not connect, we do not communicate...  thus, we cannot grow as a family)

Between these two things, I noticed that we are three separate people living under one roof that have the misfortune that we really do not know where we stand.  DD admitted that she was not sure if her father even loves her and is afraid to ask.  DH wants a relationship with DD, but has no clue how to do that besides irritate her like a big brother would be to a little sister.  I want to find my lost family.  We used to do things together willingly and without attitude.  We used to help each other with keeping the house in running order with chores and "honey-do" lists, we used to talk about things....  Heck, we used to eat together at the table at least once a week.  Nowadays, it is food taken to other rooms to eat alone and whenever we were hungry.  Our only outing as a family is going grocery shopping and there is bickering over who pushes the cart and figuring out how to get DD's attention to take the ear buds out of her ears.  Togetherness at home is three people spending time in three separate rooms at opposite ends of the house.... the farther, the better.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES HERE!!!

I know that DH and I try to be reasonable parents that gives some independence to our teenage child, but maybe we gave up on getting her to connect to us on her own terms.  We know very little about ourselves these days and that needs to change.

So.....  I had a talk with DH that he needs to act more like a parent than a sibling towards our daughter.  I had a talk with DD that she needs to put in more effort to check her attitude before speaking with her father (they bicker all...the...time).  I now made it mandatory that we need to eat dinner AS A FAMILY EVERY NIGHT and there will be no more taking food to another part of the house.  ALL electronic devises are turned off at dinner time... no TV, no cell phones, no computers, books, video games and whatnot....  and we are to talk about our day like the families seen on old TV shows like Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, and even The Andy Griffith Show.

The results???  In the course of one hour at the dinner table once DH got home, the attitude has changed.  DH and DD actually talked in a civil tone towards one another, and even laughed a little.  DH stopped acting like a kid, DD stopped acting like an angst-ridden teen, and DD even offered to wash the dishes after DH and I cleared the table.  Before DD went off to bed, she actually hugged her dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight, and DH even told her he loved her without being prompted to say it.  It actually came from the heart.  This morning, the routine was even different.  While I did not get up early enough to make a family breakfast for the table, there was a more loving atmosphere that bordered upon something I have wished for for years.  It feels like this is going to be a success!!!

While I know that my family has a track record of making short memory of change and reverts back to old habits, I am going to remain vigilant in keeping this going.  If I have to remind them...  I am not afraid of doing so because that snap I suffered yesterday had me telling my family what I expected and they willingly made a go of it.  Darn shame I have to be the heavy for this, but I have been the brunt-taking peace-keeper for too long.  I just never realized how thick-headed my family is to have trouble figuring stuff out on their own.  I have to give them instructions and that is just foreign to me, but if this works....  I better get used to telling people what I expect and deal with the reactions accordingly.

Now, on to step #2 of my plan to get the relationship of DH and DD to mature just a bit more.  I am planning a day trip for the two of them while I am away at work.  I found a couple of activities that are fairly cheap and will not take all day, but I can afford to prepay for it, so there will be no excuses or complaints about cost.  Once I plan it out, get the tickets, map out the plan and present it to them before Friday....  I can at least feel comfortable that I am building a better father/daughter relationship.  Of course, I have more research to do to find more really cheap (bordering on free) things to do for them and even maybe have me included in them for the future since going to the zoo costs too much in transportation costs or entrance fees, and walking the mall is too much temptation that we cannot afford....  I will find nature walks and whatnot to do.  I think we can afford a picnic lunch and an afternoon of playing a board game or two.  I just need to be creative in how I do it all and that takes time to get it done.  I have the time since I have not been getting called into work as much lately, but I need to keep my hopes up that things will turn around here in only a positive light.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!
 

Uh oh! I think I am broken, therefore I must be!!

Okay, to all those friends of mine that love spending their "down time" with a good book.....

Have you ever read a book and WISH that place actually existed?

How about all those reality show fanatic friends I happen to have...

Have you ever thought that it would be so COOL to meet some of these people in real life?

I certainly hope that there are people that agree with the above statements because.....  I think I have hit the brink of sanity here and I am painfully afraid that I am sinking into the abyss of seeking a fictional life experience.

Fictional life experience????  What is that???

Simple to explain and hard to believe is what that is!!

Upon reading a recent book, I now have the painfully strong desire to take a trip to some podunk town in the South just to meet a cowboy and see if they are all smooth-talking gentlemen that I have read.  You know what that means if you have read as many romance novels as I have that set the scene in a big place called.... Texas.  Heck, just getting the opportunity to stroll into some honkey-tonk and be re-introduced to the two-step would be quite thrilling to me.  Of course, I would be that kind of person to just be happy getting a cold beer and a bar stool.

Of course, after reading about cowboys and romance, I started to re-read a series that is set in the Sierras and suddenly I want to go, yet again, to a little town nobody has heard of to be immersed in the small town charm while taking a hike on a trial to see, smell and experience nature.  Being suburban born and bred, I never felt all so awe inspired at a forest preserve, but maybe a national park might put a sparkle in my eyes again.  Well, it could be because there are apparently some darn good looking adventure guides in these places.

Then, there is obviously the story about a law enforcement officer willing to risk life and limb for my safety that seems to sound quite appealing.  Of course, I am not in any dangerous situations that has me being protected by someone else.... Darn it!

How about the opportunity to meet (and get to know) a hockey player, a football player or even a baseball player that exudes "bad boy charm" and charisma.  I am a HUGE hockey fan, but any sport would do, that is, if I get to go to the games.

There was even a story I read that had a man actually cook for his beloved...  just because he cared enough to do so....

Really.... what is happening to me?????

I am not a romantic person, but I guess it would be nice to be romanced from time to time.  Is it wrong to want a little romance in my life?  Is it wrong to want someone to protect me if I feel threatened?  I sure hope not because I learned I have a soft underbelly that I did not think existed before.  Just knowing I have one is unsettling, to say the least.  In fact, I am just a little jealous that fictional characters have all the luck!

Now, I am not all that much of a fan for reality TV, but the few I have managed to watch has had me wondering.....  Wouldn't it be so cool to actually become friends with one of them?  I mean, really, I watched "Rock of Love" where Bret Michaels was looking for love and all I thought was.... "He just really needs a good friend to turn to and I have no doubt we could be great friends."  Heck, I would just love to meet the Roberston family from Duck Dynasty.  They seem like a real fun bunch to hang out with and who knows....  I might learn how to hunt.  Eh, probably not, since I have a guilt complex killing deer, but I would shoot a snake in a heartbeat!  Not sure I would eat said snake, but I know I would shoot one and not feel one twinge of guilt doing so.  I even recall watching a reality show about Ozzy Osborne and his family and I would think it would be cool to just hang out and cause a little mayhem.  I do have a talent to swear like a trucker, a sailor, or whatever you want to call it, so I would fit right in, right?

So......  Where is this desire to travel to places that are not exactly a tourist attraction such an attraction to me?  I have no clue.  Why do I have this strong feeling I could be a great friend to a person that does not want to know I exist?  And the even most disturbing one yet....  Why do I want to experience some kind of romanticized existence with some good-looking, smooth-talking Southern Gentleman or law enforcement professional?  That one has my head scratching.  I think I need to blame it on the books, I tell ya!  Blaming it on the books!  My little escape has become more and more of a quest in life and that tells me that something is definitely broken in my world.  Scary?  Yep.  Unsettling?  You betcha!  How do I fix it?  No clue!  All I know is that my bucket list is growing and there is nothing I can do about it except acknowledge that it exists.  DH is not a romantic sort.  He has admitted it to me.  He does have some sweet moments.  They are fewer than they were when we were dating, but he does try from time to time.  I can only assume he lacks the energy and determination to try anymore, but I know he has it in him to be sweet and thoughtful.  I just happened to stop holding my breath for another act of unexpected kindness to emerge.  I just figured that he is capable without me nagging for it.  Sadly, he chooses to not try and I refuse to nag.  It is what it is.

I just wonder.....  Is this longing for more something I need to act upon?  Or is it something I should just accept and keep trudging forward in the life I happen to have.  Oh well.... back to reading some of my favorite books.... again!

The play of words....

To all those that hold dear every Hallmark holiday there is....  Happy Belated Sweetest Day everyone!!!  As for me, Saturday was just another ordinary day.  Well, not exactly....

I pulled up my big girl panties and went out for a few hours, by myself!  I did not stay alone, though.  I sought out some friends that have a Saturday ritual of having a night out.  Of course, it was not as local as I would have preferred, but I knew that driving that distance was worth the trip because I was really overdue for a laugh.

Well, while I was out "being social" and all, I was presented a topic that they would like to see shared via "my blog" and I obviously agreed to look into it and quickly learned that it managed to make a connection to something that happened recently, so..... here goes....

Words:  The verbal connection.

We use our words to share thought.  Simple as that.... we share something every day and we take it for granted.  Sadly, the words we happen to choose to use can create reactions that would otherwise be less than welcoming.  It all boils down to how the words are presented and how the words are received.

With that in mind, words alone are only half of the story.  It is also measured upon the actions we choose to take.  Either way, communication is a give and take of what we share, willingly.

Now, this friend of mine decided to mention something to me and asked which word is to be used in what they wanted to bring across and it humored me that there was in internal debate to deciding to use the word "despite" or the phrase of "in spite of" to share that regardless of the shortcomings that they believe they posses, they have something special about them that sets them apart from the pack.  I found it interesting that the word "despite" actually means "in spite of" when it is used as a preposition and in all honesty....  the way that they were speaking.... either way applies correctly.  There should have not been a problem then, but as with just about any word, there is another use for it having a slightly different meaning.  Of course, it has to do with how you choose to use the word, or words.  Since "despite" can be used as a preposition since prepositions are words that link a noun in a sentence, it can also be used as a noun and the meaning changes ever so slightly.  If my friend used "despite" as a noun, the meaning becomes (according to definition) a feeling, which in all intents and purposes, is still closely relate-able to the prepositional use, but in usual talking, sounds...  odd, to say the least.  You see, "despite" can also mean outrage/injury or contempt/disdain if used as a noun.  If the phrase "in spite of" was broken down, the word "spite" also offers a connection to the noun definition because "spite" has a very similar meaning.

Head scratching, don't you think?  And this is only referring to this one concern of phrase.  Just imagine the countless other words that have double meaning, and at times mean the exact same thing.  The only difference is how you choose to use the word.  Yep, that English language is quite complicated since I had to look up the word to learn this and I have been speaking it all... my... life!!

Speaking of speaking.....  Did you know that a perception of one thing can create a feeling opposite of what you are trying to achieve?

I was called out on what I thought was funny to learn that it was not funny at all.  In fact, it resulted in a phone call to tell me just that!  I even took the time to look back at previous blogs of mine and realized that I should have known better than to share something I thought was funny and meant to be just that and apparently I am not allowed to express myself that way because what I happen to share is guaranteed to be under a microscope and scrutinized within an inch of its life.

~~  And people wonder why I don't share much on social media ~~

Well, with that being said, I learned my lesson.  Yet again I let my guard down and shared incorrectly.  For that, I am truly sorry and I will never attempt to crack a joke again.  Unless I add a disclaimer that my intentions are truly pure and not malicious in any shape or form because I know I will be put to blame for something that was not intended to be anything other than lighthearted.  I apparently still need to work on my censure abilities as well as filter every little thing I share and second guess everything to feel assured that I cannot be misunderstood or perceived in a different light.  In fact, I think I need to just shut my mouth, stop flossing and let my thoughts eat me alive from the inside out.  Yep, I need to just lose the light that I have managed to find within myself and swallow down all that comes my way and never seek release.  Yep, I think that is the goal of one person, of which I will never say their name, nor offer any clues to who that may be because... they know who they are and just seeing this will make them happy that they have finally broke me.  I am now a nobody.  A faceless, nameless waste of air, space and time.  Only to do the bidding of others without offering any insight, any different perceptual view and I shall be lacking feeling as I get punished for never learning fast enough to at least move forward or even win at least one round of the game called, life.  Lo' I shall be the punching bag because I tried to seek solace through sharing thought.  Time to hide in fictional books and keep my distance from the real drama that surrounds me.

Well, thanks to my friend for the suggestion for today's shared topic.  Let the dissection of who I am as a person begin!