Lottery madness....

Gambling, taking hard earned money and betting on something with hopes it is gonna pay big.  Wouldn't be nice to win something with minimal effort?  I know I would like to see "Lady Luck" offer some of that good fortune my way, but alas the last drawing of numbers in the Mega Millions lottery proved yet again, I am a contributor to the growing number of what that one lucky person can win.  With the winning total growing into a number that makes me just dizzy with how many zeroes are at the end, I just have to at least try again for a chance of glory.

I just wondered something....  As I stood in line to make my little purchase of a $4 quick pick of numbers for the lottery, I watched people purchase stacks of lottery tickets.  Between the scratch off cards and the computer generated lottery tickets, I saw a person spend $100 in a blink of an eye.  Think about it.... $100 is a lot of money to just toss at a 179 million chance to 1 that you would win.  With spending $100 on a dream when there are bills to pay and mouths to feed, it sure caused some serious head scratching at how it has become easy to throw money away with hopes that your numbers get called.  As the saying goes...  "you never know if you can win if you actually do not try" does seem to make sense, but when does dreaming big get a reality check?  I have seen a few people at the local convenience mart with tickets in hand that won a few dollars here and there take that money and spend it on more tickets and add a little more money for more.  As the song The Gambler starts to ring in my head, I wonder if this person would actually figure when it is time to just walk away.

I can definitely see gambling becoming a disease.  The idea of getting more back than you put in does sound quite appealing, but gambling as in real life, never offers guarantees that you will win all the time.  Does greed become the brightest shining bulb in a person's psyche when they become unable to just stop gambling on becoming rich and accept that wealth is more than what a dollar brings?  I guess that is where I feel a little resentment over basically throwing away $4 on a quick draw for the lottery.  There is no way that my little $4 is closing the gap when it comes to the odds, but at least that $4 is not going to make or break the family budget.  I just refuse to be consistent in taking chances where money is concerned because eventually that $4 becomes $8 and then onto $12, 16, 18 and so on.  Stuff like this does add up.  You have to realize that these addicts to gambling have contributed to this appealing total with hopes and dreams of getting every penny back and then some.  It is actually kind of interesting that the companies that run these lotteries are not in the poor house like how government mismanagement and corporate greed put everyone in a financial pinch.  Well, not everyone.  There are the elite wealthy that have managed to save a fair chunk of their money to have that status.  While the socialist view of everyone should be equally wealthy is quite appealing, it is not considered the American way.  Then there are the innovators that remained humble when it came to money.  I have met a few people in my past that were quite wealthy, but never flaunted it.  In fact, one person I met through a friend lives in some run down little hick town.  By the looks of him, he looks more broke than I am, but owns a fair chunk of Chicago's Magnificent Mile.  Real Estate was his claim to wealth, but prefers to live a very simple life.  Sadly, I have lost contact with my friend and her friend of vast wealth.  I have wondered how they are doing now.

I guess that is where it comes to something else.  If by the grace of God and the touch of Lady Luck I was to win the lottery....  What would I do with all that money?  I know that my financial woes would vanish.  I know that my family would be well taken care of.  I would travel a bit.  I would even help my friends that are in dire need.  I would even donate to things I feel strongly about.  I doubt I would change into someone I am not because of the money, but what about the people around me?  Do people change when someone has a few extra bucks in their bank account?  Does the balance of friendship or family change because of wealth?  Are people willing to walk away from the comforts of true friendships because of greed?  I have seen those shows that showcased people that won the lottery and how their lives changed.  Not every person was truly happy with how life changes when a tidal wave of money comes their way.  Is financial wealth valued more than the things we never placed a price tag on?

All I can say is that I sure hope everyone wins something.  Even if it is just enough to get back on track financially, take a really nice vacation or to fulfill a wish they have been saving for.  That is all I am hoping for myself because I would never want to carry the burden of what to do with all that money.  I do know that if I was to win....  I could not see myself gambling anymore...  That is when I would just walk away.

Yes or no... Take the chance or not...

Recently, I was offered an opportunity to be in the running for a full time office job.  In fact, I would be something like a jack-of-all-trades manager/administrative assistant for a recruiting office.  Fast paced, detail orientated work that places people in their dream job.  Well, maybe not dream job, but a much needed job.  As I pondered the full realm of how taking on something I feel I do not have experience in as well as how my being gone at a full time job will affect the household dynamic would change if I was actually offered the job, my anxiety-ridden self managed to take a back seat and I looked at this possibility with extreme rationality.  That little slap in the face comment from a person that chose to remain anonymous got me thinking....  and thinking a lot.  What is holding me back?  What if I fail?  Can DH really step up and take a more active parenting role?  Can I trust DD to take on more than a couple of hours of independence?  


Well, after weighing the pros and cons of diving back into unfamiliar waters, being 12 years out of the loop and all...  I still felt stuck.  Well, maybe a little scared.  I know that if I was single and there was nobody else I was held accountable for, I would have jumped right in without anything holding me back.  With things being different and how my actions no longer affect just me, I became more reserved when it comes to taking leaps of faith.

As the deciding hour is upon me and with no solid answer in my head, I prayed for a sign...  any sign that can help me decide and be able to accept my decisions without any regrets.  Well, that just happened this morning.

After making breakfast for DD and I, I pulled together what I figured that I would wear for the day and head off to taking a shower.  DD is off this week for Spring Break and has remained in her pajamas since yesterday (totally unmotivated to do much) and is camped out on the couch with the laptop running.  With her back to me, I can see what she is doing on her computer.  Well, actually it was an anniversary gift to me from DH, but she took ownership the moment it came home.  Okay, back to the point in hand...  As I looked over her shoulder, she sees me and does a quick couple of clicks to remove a page that she was on.  Remembering catching her in an unsupervised chat room (a major red flag of danger in my book), I asked her what she was looking at.  The lying has begun again.  This preteen is back to her old antics of entering some potentially dangerous places via the internet.  As I demanded that she brings that page back up, she reluctantly agrees.  It is some ad to enter a risky site glamorizing "naughty people in your area".  You know what I mean....  a scantily-clad woman posing in a very provocative way with the words, "hook up with local nasty boys and girls in (our hometown) NOW!"  Well, the 20 questions starting spewing out of my mouth over her recent find...  What are you thinking?  How did you come across this?  Her answer, as innocent as it can be, tells me that she got this "pop up" after going into one of her favorite sites "OUR WORLD".  Now, I am familiar with that site and that is where preteens go to play games and chat.  This site controls vulgar behavior and does not allow anyone to swear or ask questions that pose a potential threat or allow personal information to be shared.  Basically, it is one step above Webkinz World, but is portrayed as something "cool" to kids.  What concerned me most was how a pop up like that just shows up on a site she frequents and why she took the time to read it.  I am not sure she was 100% honest with me and I yet again explained to her that things like that are very dangerous.  With a blank look on her face, she tells me she understands and would never take risks like that.  Well, I am not all that convinced.

While I cannot protect DD from everything, I managed to have a flashback of the risks DD took being on some anime chat site with zero filters of protection for children.  I even took a look at that site to see what was said when I pretended to be DD and chatted with these people.  Completely shocked at what was said and scared to see what a few people were discussing, DD lost her computer privileges for 2 weeks.  After that punishment was done, she got the computer back and after a few days...  I caught her back on that site.  She even had the audacity to lie again.  That is when I learned of her little 2-click trick to hide things from me. The following punishment was forcing her to watch YouTube videos from the show 20/20 of a sting operation catching pedophiles that portrayed themselves as children to get invited to a child's home when their parents were not there.  Thinking I got my point through, new rules were put in place and we tried to rebuild the trust I once had in her.  We managed to get to a point where I could go run an errand or even be away from home for a couple of hours.  I thought we were on the right track... apparently not.

After acknowledging that trust needs to be fully in tact for the safety and sanctity of my home, I placed a huge amount of my decision towards taking on a full time job in her hands.  Also, I even took into consideration what DH can do when it comes to taking on more parental responsibilities.  When I went to this interview at the crack of dawn this past Friday, I handed the reigns to DH to make sure DD gets to school.  When he was asked to return home to drive DD to school because it was raining and I knew that we did not have an umbrella...  I heard the complaints start flying at how taking that 15 minutes to drive home, take her to school and drive back to work was such an inconvenience to his day.  I knew that his desire to step up more is not going to be consistent.  Just imagining the excuses being made up for him to skirt picking up the slack made my stomach turn.  Between the two of them, I now have even more fear that something can go terribly wrong.

I have come to the conclusion that I do need to take more chances, but they have to be in a gradual state.  I no longer can seek out something that takes too much time away from home, and that is part time work with the potential to go full time.  While full time at this spot in the year could have benefited me in paying for camp for DD, I have to be completely comfortable in the choices I make and stand up for my convictions about things without having any regrets.  While I know that there are people that are forced to take leaps of faith every day, to take chances, and to believe that everything will turn out just fine in the end...  I am thankful that my situation does not force me to take chances I do not feel comfortable taking at this time, but I will when I feel it is right for the taking.

So, in closing, I decided to pass on that offer for a full time job.  With the long talk I had with DH, the even longer talk with DD, and weighing out my options....  I have a goal in mind and a clearer thought process about it.  Sometimes "no" is the right answer.  Even if you feel it could be "yes".  While there is a strong possibility that I could regret passing this offer now, I need to feel completely confident in my choices.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

The line in the sand.....

Good morning!  Somehow I felt compelled to share my thoughts regarding the violence and how it gets reported.  Probably because of the reactions that I have seen being shared.  Not that long ago, there was a report of a 17 year old kid being shot and killed in Florida.  While I have a strong tendency to not split hairs, I have to share that this child was exploited in the racial light.  People need to understand that violence happens everywhere and it does not all get reported with such vigor.  Just the ones that can create controversial thought.

For at least a century, people have been battling racism...  probably longer.  Racism is a hot topic that will never truly cool off because of history and personal attachment to diversity.  People are exposed to crucial behavior since birth, people get reputations because of the actions of some, and with those preconceived notions being taught...  there will always be judgmental behavior.  While there has been a slight turn in offering innocence until proven guilty, it has to be understood that not every person is equal because of taught levels of tolerance.  A few highlights of history that I can pull out of my head this morning are the equality issues stemming from race and gender.  Women fighting for equal rights to men, and people of another race (aka color) fighting for respect.  While religion has also become a hot topic with terrorist attacks on 911, people have been exposed to more controversial thought of one another.  Please understand that it is not the race, religion or creed that defines the undesirable in people, but the acts that they choose to take upon.  Not every person that differs from who you are all the undesirable trait.  I have met some really nice people that are labeled "black", "Mexican", "Indian", "Chinese", and so forth.  While some people choose to share their heritage by hyphenating their heritage with American, not all these people are truly from these other countries and are legal citizens of this great nation.  This is personal segregation and the seed for racism.  While I completely disagree in segregation and believe in the context of our constitution that "all men are created equal", I also believe that this does not just limit itself to just men, but women and children, too.  While religion does state a little more tolerance and has proven to ask for respect of every living thing, even the fact that religion is becoming ridiculed.  The foundation is basically the same...  just the practices are different.  You have to realize that truly being tolerant takes more than drawing that line in the sand to who you are as a person.  Even though we all bleed the same color of blood if we were cut, somehow people still believe that we all differ more just because of what is on the surface.  Even though we are entitled to think differently, should not place such emphasis on who is right and who is wrong.  Only one is to judge and that is faith based.  I just do not see faith passing judgement on its own creation because of different appearance.

As the mainstream media chooses to create sensationalism and controversy, it is the right for every person to have an opinion, but if the facts are skewed because of color, creed, race or gender... then there should be equality in sharing every event and not just the ones that easily create lines being drawn in the sand.  Do you see that happening?  Nope.  Violence happens every day.  People are getting hurt all the time.  Hiding the fact that there is more violence out there from gangs and people that mentally turned for the worse by choice or by the desire to feel accepted by a group.  It is what is learned to be acceptable by those that have the largest influence that becomes habit.  Idolizing some rapper that dresses with baggy pants, walks with a certain swagger, and states to "put a cap in the ass" of someone will create a following of individuals that refuse to be individuals in the sea of people.  You can call them "lemmings", but it is embracing what they think would make them "cool" or accepted is at fault here.  Just have 2 things that manage to get a reputation and combine them, and there you have it....  the ingredients for bigotry and instant fear to act or react.  While the mainstream media shows a different picture that shows innocence and purity, they emphasize the filthy, seedy underbelly of the incident.  If I was to act like a thug, dress like a thug, and talk like a thug, but be quite intelligent, nice and trustworthy....  where does the judgment stand?  Am I a thug or a nice person?  If you cannot show who you really are as an individual, then you will be judged upon appearance.  Thanks to celebrity from diversity, everyone is up for scrutiny.  While people will still fight to stop prejudice, they are adding fuel to the fire by being prejudicial and playing the race, creed or religion card.  Nobody has the time nor patience to get all the facts beyond what they see on the surface.  As everyone draws a line in the sand, the truth of it all is that battles like this will never end.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.

Weighing options....

Good morning!  Sorry for the late posting of my "flossing" moments.  I was up at the crack of dawn, getting ready for an interview with a staffing agency that has been calling me over the past couple of days.  While it has been known that I am seeking a stable-paying job to assist in the family financial dynamics, I never thought that someone could offer complete confidence in a job that I have had no actual experience in.  I have always believed that I am quite the "eager beaver" when it comes to challenges, I have the ability to adapt to new things, I have a very strong work ethic, and the desire to broaden my learning experience, but when something just happens to land in my lap...  I seem to feel a little insecure.  Chances are, I have been trying for so long with no actual offer of a job, I feel that I am the least likely candidate for anything beyond being a hairdresser or a cashier at a store.  While during the time I was actively working full time (before having my daughter), I managed to take risks and changed careers in search for something that feels rewarding and even a little challenging.  Being a quick study in whatever I choose to do, I tend to fully immerse myself in every aspect of my responsibilities in the job at hand.  With rejection after rejection the past few years in areas I felt semi-comfortable in being able to learn the job remotely quick, I did come to the conclusion that with my "out of the loop" years being a full time mother and caregiver to my child and the backbone to keeping things running smoothly for the family and our home life has put me at a disadvantage when it comes to reentering the office world.  Being someone that refuses to drag down the fluidity of a workplace with endless questions and minimal patience when it comes to being trained for something beyond a simple task that gets repeated (always predictable outcomes)...  I feel quite scared in taking on a job where I have zero prior experience, a fast paced environment, and way too many areas where errors can create a terrible outcome.  Not saying that I strive to be perfect right out of the gate when I take on a job, but I do take pride in being able to be thorough with minimal errors.

For quite a while, I have dreamed and dreaded entering the full time world because I have put in so much of myself into caring for my family...  I would feel that I have failed in my promise to be there at all times.  You see, when I focus on something....  I am putting in 110%... yes, well beyond what it seen as possible in the realm of percentages.  The dream of going back to the full time workplace stems from my desire to actually do more for those that I care about most.  Seeing DH stress himself into the world of Atrial Fibrillation and high blood pressure because he is the number one breadwinner of our household is something I hate to see.  The only time he seems to be most at ease is when the weekend comes along and I am there to take care of DD.  Basically, only one day out of seven is his day of actual relaxation.  Even though I know that while I am away at my part time hairdressing job, he is borderline comatose on the couch and basically unmotivated to do anything around the house...  He does take a moment or two to at least keep DD on her toes with playing the bantering game.

Knowing that DD is not getting any younger and should be responsible enough to do things on her own and even have a little independence, I just have a small issue when it comes to trust and taking on responsibility to the nth degree.  While I am aware that her motivational skills to do anything beyond blast her eardrums with punk music from her mp3 player and play games on the computer is non-existent...  my concerns for her being home alone for more than a couple of hours stem from her trusting nature of people and her inability to follow the rules as stated.  Catching her in that unsupervised chat room was a huge neon sign that her trusting nature of people will open the door to her being in danger while my back is turned.  The past year she has shown a little more respect to the rules, but at the ripe age of 12... she will try to test her boundaries in the most unsettling way.

Now, when it comes to timing....  If I take on this job, go through the training, and fully immerse myself into this job...  I know that I will have issues to family life as we know it.  Starting this late in the year can still offer opportunities to send my child off to summer camp and I could call upon the help of family to pick up the slack where I cannot chauffeur her to and from places and possibly ask for their help for when she gets sick.  It is the inconveniencing factor that bothers me.  I hold true to the fact that having a child consists of heavier responsibility.  This is my child and she is my responsibility.  Not everyone will be willing to take on caring for my child because I have a job.  These people have a life, too.  While people will be willing to help, there is a strong possibility that once being called upon too much will cause resentment and the desire to just say "no" when I need the help the most.  I have seen DH's attention to his job and also his inability to become flexible to where our daughter is concerned.  Most likely because his father worked and had very little patience with participating in caring for his children.  His mother did everything for their kids and was never required to have a job.  She was there well after her kids were fully grown and on their own.... and still is.  Nowadays, my in-laws travel a lot and are reaping the rewards of a tight budget and years of sacrifice....  Good for them, but does not offer much in helping out with their grandchildren.  My mom with her health issues and endless doctors appointments does not offer much flexibility in helping me, either, but she does try to arrange things to help as often as she can.  So starting now and utilizing every penny I make to pay for a summer camp program is possible.  At least I know that DD is being entertained while I am away.

Last thought before making my list of pros and cons....  Besides acknowledging that I have enabled lazy behavior from DH and DD, I am not sure that I am fully convinced that I will get a chance to "take a breather" after working 6 days a week.  Yes, I fully intend on keeping my hairdressing job on Saturdays.  I have built a clientele that I am proud of, I enjoy the work, and having a little "mad money" is nice since I will most likely never see a penny from my full time job.  The money that I will be making from that job is going towards the greater good of the family, so what I make from working at the salon will be something I can stake claim as money for me to do as I wish.  I have given opportunities to DH and DD to take the reigns of some responsibility in our home, but have not seen any opportunities taken.  I try to be everything to them, but I cannot if my focus has been diverted.  There needs to be some level of teamwork needed in order to keep things running smoothly.  I just cannot fathom working full days for 6 days in a row and still manage all the responsibilities in the home.  DD and DH are quite stubborn and suffer from some serious clutter blindness, as I, on the other hand, has little patience for things that need to be done.  I attribute my determination to getting things done because my parents instilled a very strong work ethic in me.  I would gather that I could be great in management of a team because I am not afraid to roll up my sleeves and work...  Setting an example of never allowing for things to sit an the wayside and be doled out to another that has their day full of work in front of them.  In my past work experience, I came across only one manager that actually participated in all aspects of the job and actually worked with their team.  I loved that job, but sadly that person was promoted and the new manager that took their place was not as ambitious.  I tried to transfer, but was denied because this new manager liked that I did more than my fellow co-workers and made it easy for them to sit and reap the rewards from my efforts.  Being in a non-equal environment burnt me out and no opportunity for growth or movement...  I ended up leaving.

With the uncertainty of actually being the best candidate for a career that I felt confused in listening to, but feeling confident that I am capable of learning....  I need to take today to think things thoroughly and decide if I should take the chance if this company is willing to take a chance on me or pass on this opportunity and hope that something that I feel a little more confident about comes along.  Life does not come with a crystal ball that can tell me if this is the path I should take.  I would be heartbroken for that employer if I was nothing like they expected and did more damage than good.  I do not have one vindictive bone in my body and wishes for everyone to succeed.... even me, but taking a chance that I feel uncertain about because I am "behind the times" might not be the right fit for me or the company...  It could possibly be a success or a complete and utter failure.  Time to take some Advil for my splitting headache and really think this thing through.

Thanks for reading....  Have a great day!

Reactions....

Morning friends...  I just have a few little things on my mind today and they all have to do with reactions to things.

Reactions usually do not match what we think.  While we do have an idea about how we would react to something....  it never seems to match our thoughts exactly.  Especially when the opportunity arises when we were not exactly ready for it.

Example:  You hope, wish and pray that your significant other pays a little more attention to you.  Seeing others in relationships with their public displays of affection can make you yearn for some of that from the person you are with, but after being together for so long, that area of a relationship seems to take a very far back burner.  Just having a person grab your hand is something you would like to have happen while taking an evening stroll would be nice, but alas....  You are with a person that does not hold those little "PDA's" in high regard.  Then suddenly, that person runs over, sits real close to you while you are on the couch, and cuddles with you.  This throws you for a loop and react in a way that seems less welcoming than you would have thought.  That happened to me one evening.  DH decides to become a little more open to something that has not been offered to me in years and I reacted like he had "cooties" because I was not in the same place mentally as he was.  After that reaction I had, I am pretty sure that his desire to do something with a remote sense of spontaneity will be stopped before he acts in the future.  Actually kind of a bummer.  Getting a little more attention or that "mushy romantic antics" is what I was looking for and smashed that like a bug because I reacted the wrong way.  While I tried to explain away my reaction and tried to keep the door open for potential future moments of romantic spontaneity...  I fear I just might have changed his mind to never trying again.  You see....  opposite reaction than thought.  If I would have reacted the way I thought I would have (with complete appreciation and open arms)...  Chances are, I just might get a little more attention from DH that I would like to have because he would not feel rejected from his actions.

How about this example...  You are informed by a neighbor that there has been a string of break-ins of cars on our block.  Totally random nights, but it happens somewhere between midnight and 5am.  While you have believed that you live in an area that does not experience all that criminal activity (even though it is required to lock your doors at night anyway and that a few random acts of violence towards Christmas decorations is quite low in feeling violated), you manage to hear someone camping outside your home at 2am.  Yep, some random dude decided to park his car right across the street from my house and flit around between being in and out of his car as well as opening and closing his trunk for things.  It was not a person I recognized when I looked out my window.  After watching this person's weird antics and suspicious behavior for roughly 15 minutes (realizing that this guy decided to just park there to grab a beer from his trunk and smoke some pot before heading to his place of residence), I suddenly realized that my reaction was different than what I should have been doing (which was calling the police when I first noticed him there hanging out on the side of the road).  I became the "watchdog" for my family.  That should not be my job, but in a way... I am the guardian of my family.  I would be the first one to risk my life for them.  Was my inability to call 911 right away from realizing that I had poor reaction skills from when DH decided to cuddle a while back?  Or is it some odd desire to do something big for my family by protecting them the absolutely stupid way since I feel that my efforts are not seen or heard from them?  I mean, I eventually did call 911, but the dude left before the cops drove by.  Even after seeing that there was a police presence in my neighborhood, I still could not get to sleep.

How about this example...  Your child brings home a pop quiz that they took and aced.  While your child seeks approval of a job well done, you offer a not-too-enthusiastic comment of praise.  Saying "great job" does lose its luster if the tone is not enthusiastic enough.  Fortunately, DD did ask about my level of enthusiasm when I did say that she did a great job on her pop quiz.  I at least got the opportunity to explain why my tone did not match the pride I have for her....  You see, there is a level of excitement that a parent should have for their child's efforts when you know that your child is being challenged.  I have heard from numerous people that my child is quite intelligent.  When she applies herself, she exceeds what is considered "the norm" for a child her age.  It just has been customary for my child to not put in 100% effort all the time.  Previous projects where she did not do as well as she could was proof to her (and me) that she likes to see what level of effort is needed to just be average and get a passing grade.  Yep, she has lazy tendencies.  Interestingly enough, I know from which side of the family that portrays that behavior...  My side of the family.  While my parents pushed for all their children to do the very best we can, it was known that my brother (as intelligent as he is), strove to "aim low" because he could.  When he felt like really shining...  he really shined.  I believe I pale in comparison in talent and intellect to my brother.  I tried my best all the time and still got average grades from time to time.  So as my level of excitement was low towards DD's acing her pop quiz, it was not really because I was not thrilled for her... it was just the fact that I knew she is capable of doing that well.  Being excited over something you know would happen because they are capable with little effort is just masking fact with being over dramatic.  She at least knows that I am proud of her...  just not insanely over excited.

You see, reactions happen, but not always the way you or others expect you to react.  Reactions are involuntary when thought is not put into play.  While we do think about how we should react, it does not necessarily happen as planned because emotions, environment, and some sense of expectation can cloud how we need to see things.  With DH's sudden PDA actions... I reacted to something I did not see coming and rarely ever get to experience.  With becoming the watchdog that one evening...  I let fear, curiosity, and stupid bravery take over.  With DD's aced quiz...  I downplayed my emotion because I knew she was capable.  It just has to be realized that if a person takes the time to ask about a non-desired reaction, there would be a better understanding to why a reaction is not always what you expect and less drama in reacting to someone else's reaction.

Thanks for reading.... Have a great day!

Biting the bullet....

Morning friends!  Yet again I fall weak to my convictions about my weight loss journey and sharing this today should be a raging neon sign that I am going to own up to something I wanted to not put on this blog, but decided to anyway.  Yep, that promise to not share my "private little hell" when it comes to trying to win at losing weight on my Mental Floss blog page is broken again.  My apologies....

I have been a total slacker in living the WW lifestyle.  For those that have not followed my previous blogs...  WW stands for Weight Watchers.  Yes, I joined that bandwagon back in August and figured I would be half way to my goal weight by now, but alas, I am not.  The process has been painfully slow and just to get a mere 20 pounds off my body felt more like I was watching the movie, "Titanic" in slide show form.  Every minuscule movement shot in one slide and shared in another....  Kind of like making a "claymation" film.  Took me almost 3 months to hit still waters in the weight loss world.  Floating around that milestone for two more months frustrated me to avoiding those weekly meetings and never bothering to track my eating habits.  While I kept a mental note of what I was doing, I know that I allowed for slip-ups to occur.  Mental stress over things that I have zero control over put me in shut-down mode when it came to going to the gym and even doing some serious cleaning in my home.  Luckily, the weather has been nice and I finally got my cleaning mojo back and did some serious cleaning.  Almost at being fully caught up from my slacker moments, I actually feel a little better.

Then reality has set in.  I have been a member of WW and missed a load of meetings.  While I have no problem listening to someone's successful journey, I just cannot fathom becoming what these meeting leaders became....  Bitter women that hate food or exercise junkies or a mix of the two.  The last meeting I attended, I watched this food Nazi stick post-its all over her body as an example that every "bite, lick, or taste" of food lands somewhere.  Really, if everything I eat has a place to take up residence, then I should sew my mouth shut, get an IV of vital vitamins and fluids and watch the weight just fall off like I wish it would.  Of course, she was making an example of all those WW "taboo" foods.  Feeling like life as we know it needs to be some kind of mental brainwashing over foods that people do enjoy from time to time.  One example :  Birthday cake.  While the idea of something special to celebrate an anniversary of sorts is a rare thing when you get older, but the comments made of a potential germ-fest once the candles are blown out does kill the thought of having a slice.  I like cake, but not liking the idea of getting sick because someone breathed on it.  Then there are the stories of how the weight just fell off at an alarming rate because someone takes a 5-mile walk to get a Starbucks coffee every morning.  While I am not a coffee drinker, I just cannot fathom getting up at the crack of dawn "jonesing" for the morning caffeine fix and taking a hike to get some.  If rewards need to have a minimal 5-mile jaunt to get them, I would rather just suffer taking the next closest thing and stay where I am.  Hearing this woman do this through rain, sleet, snow, and frigid temperatures makes her a better candidate to be a mail carrier than a WW meeting leader.  Well, that would have to be some awesome coffee to get me to do something like that.

I just know that being successful takes effort and I have been lacking for quite a while.  I am a worrisome person by nature.  Stress stops me dead in its tracks.  Food becomes a crutch to face another day.  Chocolate is my friend during the times I feel the most alone.  With DH coming home later and later at night during the week, I know that I have become the mindless snacker.  Monthly cravings of chocolate to keep hormonal outbursts at bay is not going to get me to where I need to be.  Summer is almost here and shedding the winter clothes should be something I would rather look forward to compared to the dread I am feeling at this moment.  Yes, while I have increased eating through stress or boredom, I have made choices that are more WW approved....  Apples, bananas, and yogurt.  Vegetables at every meal.  Measuring and weighing everything.  I look like I have been doing good on the surface, but with lack of exercise and my week of chocolate cravings...  I fear the darn scale.

Today, I decided to "bite the bullet" and start a new, clean slate for this journey I lost focus on.  With the weather being quite nice, I should start adding a daily walk or maybe a visit to the gym.  I just need to get over the fear of seeing where my living without being a total Nazi over food has taken me.  Sigh, back to WW and their lifestyle is what I am doing today.  Now off to face the scale, listen to a person tell me that life needs to be controlled every step of the way, and try to embrace a lifestyle that I just cannot get a handle on.  Wish me luck that when I see what the scale says I do not beat myself down more than I have already been doing.

Have a good day everyone!

There are two sides to every sword.....

Darned if you do and darned if you don't.....  The classic "double standard" statement.

Ever notice even the smallest of achievements having repercussions?  Not everyone thinks the same, not everyone believes in the same thing, and even more obviously.....  No person can truly stand by their statement with 100% conviction.  It is all about angles in how a person looks at something.

I have seen and even heard contradictory things lately... and I can even agree that my previous beliefs over some things have what I call, "a gray area".  While there are a select few that see things as "black or white", there is a very large "gray" area that brings to light the truth behind the "double standard".

Here are a some examples of what I mean....

*  As people discuss the increase of violence created by children via gangs or criminal tendencies out of boredom (yes, I am mentioning about previous acts of vandalism at my home when it came to my Christmas Decorations being destroyed and/or stolen a while back).  While most parents (and others I have heard from), state that it is the parent should be held accountable for their child's bad behavior because they should have control over their children.  Well, then when is it the child's fault if they are the ones given the freedom to do as they choose because their parents have to work and cannot focus 100% on them?  If a parent has to work, they cannot fully focus on their job and their child at the same time.  Double standard...  work and leave your child to their own devises or stay home and continue to teach your children right from wrong.  Either way, someone will tell you that you are wrong.

*  Politics:  something everyone is aware of, but is angered by.  After a marathon of automated calls from the candidates running for office, the long-winded and automated message over property taxes getting out of control, and even those automated calls that have no political undertones (you know, saving interest on your credit card bill, saving on your electric bill, etc.) have me on the verge of yanking my home phone out of the wall.  The ones that seem to have more prevalence to the double standard are the ones that scream politics and politicians....  "Vote for this guy and not that guy", "did you know that this guy voted against something we needed?", "did you know that this guy voted for something we did not need?", and the most recent one (since I had to stop typing to answer the phone... "Did you know that this candidate wants you to ignore his past 20 years in politics..." (I hung up after hearing that one).  Really, has there ever been one politician that has been running for office ever really offered something of a solution compared to the ridiculous bashing of their competition?  I have not heard one thing from any candidate or potential candidate that offers facts about themselves that is pertinent to deciding if they are remotely qualified for the job?  While everyone came from somewhere and did something in their lives... hearing that they grew up poor, or struggled to become successful means absolutely nothing when it comes to relating to people.  People change, their agendas change, their abilities differ....  Even what they voted for or against has no explanation to why.  Show me the compelling reasons behind their actions and I might feel a little favoritism...  spew out half-truths and you lost my attention.  If lets say, a presidential candidate voted for abortion rights and is personally against it....  wouldn't it be more compelling to know why they voted like they did?  Did they just act like a lemming and followed suit to what was popular?  Did they agree on some compelling part of the argument like pregnancy through molestation or rape being a valid reason to abort?  What makes them decide to choose is what I would want to know. That is more compelling than labeling a person a hypocrite for their choices or a bad person for the job if they do not necessarily agree with your thoughts 100%.  People have to realize that there is more to that job than we think.  That one person decides for the masses and not just you.  While we would tend to believe that we all agree on things, there will always be a different view that offers the opportunity to change your mind.

*  Arguing over beliefs.  Expanding a little more on the topic of abortion, if you do not mind....  While I teeter on the fence over abortion, I have some beliefs that put me in that position and will probably never fully agree on one side of the fence over the other.  Here is where I agree:  I believe that it is the choice of the woman, but the reason needs to be valid... such as rape, incest and molestation.  If a woman chooses because their actions would cramp their lifestyle (aka a form of birth control)...  then I am against it.  If you choose to have unprotected sex, you are already fully aware of the risks involved.  Now, when it comes to risks to one's life or the unborn child's....  That should be the choice of the potential mother and father.  While I do see that life begins in the womb, it is about the life that comes from it and the commitment of care that can be offered.  Not everyone is perfect, but it does take a very special person to commit to the life of a special needs child and they should be given the chance for survival.  There are plenty of people that are willing to adopt and that option should be highlighted if a potential mother feels that they are capable to raise a child.  As you can see...  I cannot commit to agreeing or disagreeing with the choice a person should be entitled to make, but there are some parameters that create compelling arguments.  Those compelling arguments create the double standard when perceptions cannot be completely related.

So....  long story short....  There will always be a double standard.  No longer are the perceptions of "black or white" as long as there are gray areas that can change the result.  Not one thing can be 100% one way or the other.  If that was the case.....  nobody learns and nobody truly understands.

Thanks for reading.  Have a great day everyone!

Morbid thoughts.....

Recently another neighbor as left.  Not sure if she passed away, but it is a safe assumption to think so.  She was an elderly woman, widowed, that suffered a couple strokes over the past 5 years or so.  I never really knew the woman, she lived a solitary life.  DH met her once when he moved in a few years before I was in his life.  After a barrage of truck visits from who I can only assume was her children, there is now a "for sale" sign planted in her yard.  Somehow, this made me think about my other neighbor that passed away last fall.  He, I knew.

Makes me wonder if the days of knowing your neighbors is a passe' thing.  While I do know some of my neighbors, I do not know all of them.  Growing up in my childhood home, we seemed to know every family that lived on our block.  Now, we did not have a lot of social interaction with all the neighbors, but we at least managed to become familiar with them and would offer a smile and a kind "hello" when we saw them outside of their homes.  Nowadays, people prefer to keep to themselves.

Beyond the wondering if knowing your neighbors has become a passe' thing, it also made me wonder when a person passes away and the attendance to their funeral or memorial service.  While we all do have people that we have managed to keep in touch with, people that we lost touch with, and people that we have managed to touch in a way... it boils down to being remembered.  It is not like death can offer an invite to see all those people for one last time to say "goodbye" to them before passing on, or is capable of giving us an advance notice of when our time is up to make sure we said "I love you" one more time to all those people we do happen to love....  death just happens.  Accident or natural causes never prepares us for closure to those we leave behind.  Well, there are some that are informed that they have only so much time left and can actually do as much as they can before going, but that is something not everyone gets.  

While we try our hardest to never part with angry words to those we love, it does happen and it becomes an even more painful thing to overcome for those left behind.  We can only believe that no matter how angry people can get, there is always forgiveness in their hearts.... that they knew that they were loved when they did not feel it at the time.

What has me wonder is, if given the chance to get to know people, that there is a level of respect to appearing to the funeral of a person you once knew or currently know.  While I do not really know that this neighbor passed away, nor did I really get a chance to know her....  did she at least have a decent turnout to pay their final respects?  I knew that when my neighbor that I did know passed, there was actually some neighbors that attended besides myself.  While some of those neighbors ranged in various levels of getting to know that neighbor, some that barely knew him even attended.  I can only guess that they came out of respect.  While everyone cannot attend every funeral or memorial service, it does make me wonder when it becomes my time to pass on if anyone will attend my funeral.

Over the past few days, I have seen a a couple of funerals proceed through town.  I did not know any of those people, but you can see the number of cars in the parking lot of the funeral home or a line of cars at the church with "funeral" tags on them.  One was large and the other was quite small.  Was both people just as important even if the number of people that attended differed so much?  I believe so, but in the eyes of an outsider, it does make a person wonder about the life they did have and how much they shared  it with others.  Was one more popular than the other?  Did one make more of an impact upon the people around them than the other?  What makes it possible to compare if the life of the person that passed was a fruitful one or not?  I do not know.  Also, does everyone that knew that person actually go to these things?  Not necessarily.

While people are forced to embrace the idea that we all will eventually die, we do not look forward to it.  Leaving people behind to deal with the pain of loss is something nobody wants to have happen....  death is not a choice...  it is part of the cycle of life.  While people fear the inevitable... fight it with all their might...  do all they can to leave an impression behind to be remembered....  we all will succumb to the fact that our job is done and move on.  I just wonder if the undying spirit sticks around to see the fruits of their life one last time.  Does the eternal rest of the tangible body actually rest of nobody is there to say their "goodbyes".  Does their soul accept a a non-desired end result for their passing when it comes to who attended?  Have you ever wondered?

I guess why I am wondering is that the community of which these two neighbors shared (one being more social and the other not so much), noticed if any of their neighbors came to pay their last respects.  I went to one, but not the other and it actually made me wonder.

Spring forward.... Fall back....

Yawn... Good morning.

The Winter season is coming to a close and Spring is just around the corner.  If things were remotely considered "normal" around here, we would be starting to ever-so-slightly see the blanket of snow start to melt, but alas...  there is no snow on the ground.  As I have no complaints about the milder than normal winter we had (well, I know I have had a few from time to time), I just seem to have the hardest time adjusting to time changes.

Obviously, by now, you realize what I am talking about....  Daylight savings time changes.  Twice a year, we change our clocks according to the seasonal changes.  We gain an hour in the Fall and lose an hour in the Spring.  Not everywhere does this, ya know.  There are places along the time zones that are not required to change their clocks twice a year.  I remember hearing about this town in Indiana that happens to be right on the line between two different time zones and does not need to change their clocks.  Not sure what time zone they go by when it comes to when the news is aired on TV (you know, Eastern or Central), but they get the convenience of not needing to do all that much adjusting to time.  I cannot confirm, nor deny that there are probably more places that do not require that hour flux like most other people get to experience, but I would believe so.  I think I might want to move there....  I just have a hard time adjusting to the time change.  Eventually, I will get used to the hour difference, but my body just cannot reset that quickly.

In the Fall, we get that "extra hour" to sleep, and it takes me at least 2 weeks to finally adjust to utilize that "extra hour", which ends up being not really an extra hour.  Up before the sun rises when I do not have to feels really weird to me.  In the Spring, I have the same issue.  I just cannot get my body to adjust to losing that extra hour....  it takes me a couple of weeks to get into the swing of things, and it is a really hard couple of weeks.  Sleeping in when I need to be up becomes quite stressful.  I hate running behind.  If I had to choose which one I can handle better is when I have not adjusted to the extra hour when it comes to sleep, but I prefer the warmer weather and longer daylight.  Winter gets so dismal...  Shorter time of actual sunlight can depress the happiest of people.  Then there is the snow, the colder temperatures, and the lack of colors that can depress a person.  As my mom has said over the years....  "Winter makes the everything look dead and frozen."  I have to agree with that statement.  Even though winter does have its pretty moments with that glistening white blanket covering nature while it sleeps.  Once the road salt hits the ground, the tires hit the road, when the snow plows clear paths and when the snow starts to melt...  pretty dingy of a picture, if you ask me, but when a fresh layer of snow covers the ground and the "sleeping trees"....  it can be quite breathtaking.

While I do enjoy the longer days, the more sunshine, the warmer temperatures the Spring and Summer offer, I do kind-of dread the one thing that can be quite soothing to me....  rain.  Living in a flood zone is not fun or relaxing.  Being on constant guard over the water level in the laundry room drain on the floor is not my way of relaxing, but not having sewage back-up into my home is the intended goal.  Living like we are on a camping trip every time a heavy rain comes along kind of kills the interest in ever going camping for fun.  I would rather have the convenience of running water whenever I want to, but if he have to cut the sewer line to our house off the the main to avoid backup... it is a bad idea to have what you flushed come back up in the laundry room.  While it is part of life in my home... it is my home and adjusting is mandatory...  no doubt about it.  Would love to move, but we would have to do some major work to have it like those other houses that appeal to buyers.  One investment would set us back roughly 10K to fight nature when it comes to the sewer line seeking its natural level.  While we would love to get that done....  we just can't see shelling that out right now and what we currently do does work... so that would just have to wait.  If we were to sell this house... I know that we would have to get that done.  We could not fathom giving that nightmare to the next person to live here.  Yep, the schools are great, but the house floods in heavy rain.  Home buyers look for more good than not-so-good.

Well, off to enjoy an early Spring gift of another warm day.  Rained last night... no flooding (whoop whoop).  Gotta check the local radar to see if I can get some laundry done today since it is supposed to rain on and off all day today.  I'll take the warmer temps, so no complaints here.  Have a great day everyone!!

Casting Stones....

I blog as a release.  I try to not pass judgement on people, but it has come to my attention that I do.  For that, I am sorry.  As I will try to explain that I am judging only myself because I understand that people's situations will be different.

Yesterday's blog is about having nothing left to offer.  While I know that my situation is not the best, nor is it the worst, I feel my situation is relate-able.  Everyone has to face making sacrifices when times are tough.  I was just taken back by the slings and arrows that can be cast when opinions seem to be like personal attacks.  An anonymous person felt compelled to tell me that my actions (as far as they are concerned) are more hurtful than helpful for my family.  I did find it interesting that it is far easier to assume that everyone's issues are the same and that I am no different than the next person.  While it is far easier to comment on a person's situation because we look at it as something so common, but really do not know all the factors.  As I tried to explain myself in a reply, I realized that I keep a lot of information to myself and only comment upon my feelings.  As I stated before...  I cannot judge another person-- I can only judge upon myself.  DH does not need to explain himself to anyone else for his decisions as well as DD.  What I write about is my feelings.  If they can relate in some way...  great!  You know that you are not alone.  If they do not....  well, you are reading about something you cannot relate to.

Situations are different in the eyes of the people that live it compared to those that see from the outside.  While there are plenty of people that have a support system in place where children are involved, it is also the decision of the parents about when a child is allowed more independence.  I have faith that DD is capable of handling herself in alone situations for limited periods of time, it was not that case 2 years ago.  Catching DD in an on-line chat room that is not parent- controlled, is a screaming neon sign that she is unaware of the potential dangers.  Just add some preteen angst and a trusting nature that everyone is on the up-and-up, and that is a welcome mat for a pedophile to enter my home while I am away.  There are way too many reports of sexual offenders, rape, and child abduction that has me concerned.  While I try to be as lenient as possible since she is no longer a baby and does need a little more independence, I am seeing risks that (as innocent as they may seem to her) become risks I am not willing to allow DD to take.  Not everyone is respectful and nice and I told her that.  Call me over-protective, but I sleep better at night knowing that I am there for her.  While I know that DH would protect her as well as I can, his situation (most likely enabled by the agreement that I am to be the homemaker and caregiver of our child) does not exactly influence him to step up as he should.  I have heard countless complaints from DH over an employee taking way too much time off of work for his sick kids and with his thought process over that (apparently, his spouse never stays home when the kids are sick)...  I am fairly certain that if he was required to step up and take on more responsibility with our child, he would not.  He has had opportunities and never took them in the past.  If it was me to take those additional days off of my job (since our child does have health issues), I would not doubt that my employer would become irritated.  Is that fair to my future employer and my job?  Is it fair to my husband and his job?  Is it fair to my child to just let her stay at home alone and try to handle it on her own?  She obviously cannot drive just yet to get to the doctor if she needs to.  While I can rely upon other family to assist, isn't it an imposition towards them?  Yes, there are single parents that can manage to allow just anyone to take care of their child while they work, or if they are old enough... the child is given their independence to handle things on their own.  I know that it can be done, but if given the chance...  they would rather play a more intricate part of their child's life instead of paying someone else to raise their child.... or at least I believe so.

As for the job situation...  While I have tried endlessly to apply for any job, it is obvious that I am not the only one applying for a job.  There are far less jobs out there for just anyone to qualify for.  I do not have a college degree under my belt, nor can I afford to just go and get one.  I started in an entry level position everywhere I went and grew from there.  Obviously, entry level is no longer an option these days.  Companies did major cut-backs and laid-off plenty of people to streamline their business.  If a position is available, they prefer more current experience and if at all possible.... a college degree.  Now, there are companies that offer jobs with little to no job experience.  I have applied for those because I figured that I would have a fighting chance.  With resume' in hand, I fill out application after application...  I wait for interviews...  I get rejection letters or no return calls.  I am not alone when it comes to seeking out employment.  With no income for college and a large gap in full time employment...  I am not someone they think of first to consider.  Three years applying for the same job every time it becomes available and getting rejected gets a little depressing, but I trudge forward and keep trying.  It should be only a matter of time that I finally get a break.  Temporary employment offices have nothing (I have checked), and permanent full time employment offices have shot me down with comments of not being qualified for anything that they have.  Employers are pickier than I could ever be.

As I felt the sting of being told in a comment from yesterday's blog... telling me that my attempts are not enough, my seeking something that can be lenient enough to understand that my job as a parent is different than others, to assure my family that I can be both fruitful and reliable... is being on a "high horse" of sorts.  While this anonymous person believes that I am some kind-of bad person for the reasons that were not fully explained, nor ever will be beyond what I shared today.  That I seem to smother my child by being over-protective... that I enable my family to walk all over me... and that I have way too high expectations over what job I can get...  You are far from what is the truth.  As I appreciate comments, I wonder if the comment is in direct comparison to their life with no consideration that my situation could possibly be different.  Maybe they have it all together and have all the answers, but unless they walked a mile in my shoes....  Please avoid generalizing me into something that I am not, okay?  Opinions are just that... opinions.  Assuming the worst of a person is judgement before fact.  Before a stone is cast, think if it's going to be helpful or just hurtful... 9 times out of 10 it is going to be hurtful if you generalize one person to the rest of the world.  Nobody likes being hurt.  I have no doubt that you would agree.

Thanks for reading.

Having nothing.....

Okay, I understand that people are struggling these days....  I should know...  I am, too.  Money is tight... so tight that it is bordering on non-existent.  While on paper, we might seem to be okay, it is not available funds to live on.  With a family to support and a growing child to care for, DH has been feeling the pinch.  While I have been turned down yet again for another job prospect that could possibly offer relief to the family finances....  I can at least say I have been trying.  Kind-of frustrating when an employment agency calls with a job opening and promises to call me back when they get more information and never does.

I have built a wall around myself (figuratively) to protect myself from more disappointment-ridden depression.  It is like I have no more emotional response left to offer every time I get rejected for a job.  I should have known better....  I agreed to give up my career (the one I had as a purchasing agent for a manufacturer), to be a full time mother to my child.  While I have no complaints about doing so, it did put me at quite a disadvantage when the time was to come for me to get back into the world of the full time office world.  Being a part time hairdresser is my only saving grace to my sanity, but cannot offer the stable income that we currently need.  Basically, I am someone that can fall through the cracks quite easily....  I have a job, but not one that offers much support to the family, and determination to follow through with my promise to always be there for my child.  My requirements for landing a job has so many requirements that put family first....  I am fighting a battle I cannot ever win.

Of course, I am completely out of things to donate for the greater good.  While I know that I am struggling, there is someone else that is struggling even harder than I am.  Every day, I get at least 3-4 calls asking for donations from various charities.  As I try to honestly explain that I have nothing left to offer anyone, these people seem so relentless in accepting the reply of "no".  Apparently, they have been trained to never take "no" for an answer, and offer even more guilt upon my already guilty feeling that I cannot help others.  Clothing, small appliances and money are needed and I have nothing to offer.  We are now down to the basic of necessities.  DH has made sure of that.  DD is frantically watching her weight so she can put another year of use out of her clothes, but you cannot stop getting taller.  Already at 5'7", this 12 year old is becoming a challenge.  She is thinner than me and sharing my clothes are not an option.  I am even down to the barest of essentials.  Being a full time mom, you do not have that much "dress up stuff".  If I was to work in an office again, I would have to buy clothes in order to last a week.  I have a few things I wear to my hairdressing job, but not enough to make it a week and probably not proper enough for an office environment.  With Summer approaching (yep, I skipped Spring because in Chicago, we really do not have that season for long), and DD getting her break from school, it is quite hard to be there for my child if she is home and I am away at a job.  While I am aware that she is not getting any younger and is capable of being alone, life these days is even more dangerous and I would just die if something happened to her.  Well, that and I need to trust her to always do the right thing...  of which if she is anything like her father and I....  the day I trust her is the day she is married and with children of her own.

While there are plenty of people that blame our current president for the dismal existence we are having, I cannot blame him for everything.  It has been just a domino effect of bad ideas and poor management going back decades.  Not one president can solve all the world's problems.  Speaking of presidents...  It is an election year.  While I state I am an Independent, I have been watching the Republican race and I am scared. Every candidate is proving that nobody is really qualified.  They all have been acting like babies, fighting over the same lollipop.  As Obama sits back and watches the Republican party make a fool of themselves, he seems to get an advantage.  People do not want drama... they want results.  While Obama has not yet made a result that actually gets us "out of the red" financially, he does have some people with a lot of disposable income backing him.  Makes me wonder....  Why don't these charities call those people instead of me?  That have stuff they can give away and still afford to eat, see the doctor, see the dentist, buy clothes, and have all the amenities you would need to live comfortably.  Why do they throw their money to support a person that most likely cannot balance their own personal checkbook because they sure as hell did not balance the checkbook of this Nation in the 4 years they were in charge of it.  Just hearing about the billions of dollars being spent for spewing lies to the American people makes me sick to my stomach.  Yep, according to the mainstream media... Obama has raised something in the billion range for his reelection campaign.  While I seem to have less reliability with the mainstream media when it comes to politics, it is the only source we have to go on.  I would rather see campaign money used to pay for things that this country needs instead of hot air. If Obama loved the middle class like he claims to be, he should have done more to get the opposing political parties to agree on what we needed and not in the socialistic views he has.  We, the middle class, are proud people.  We work for the American dream.  While we all would love to be rich, we do have our morals.

So, in closing....  This middle class American has nothing left to offer.  When is it my time to get a break?  When it is time all middle class Americans get a break?  Okay, now to step off my soapbox and face the day.

Have a great day!!  Thanks for reading!

Dear Diary...

Remember when having a diary was all the rage?  Well, not everyone followed that trend, but for those that did...  do you remember?  That little book that held secrets of our true feelings.  Hiding it was futile if anyone knew you had one, but if you were fortunate enough...  that was your one true friend when feelings were something you wanted to keep to yourself.

I recall having one when I was a teen...  well, maybe even one as a preteen.  I wrote in it daily...  feelings that I knew I wanted to keep to myself about life, love, and my dreams.  Never thought it would become a handy little tool in getting to remember what it was as a person.  Unfortunately, I destroyed all of them when the desire to write my feelings became more of a repetitive chore than an actual release.  Life never really offered much excitement every day.  Most likely because I never really sought out new adventures, but it would have been nice to become reacquainted with who I was back then to who I became today.

There was a time I went from daily diary entries to writing poetry.  Nothing needed to rhyme, just had a rhythm to it that made it poetry.  Some poems had meaning, while others were just random things I saw in others.  I was told I had a talent for poetry....  I did not think so, but it was nice to hear the compliment anyway.  I would like to think that my creative side came from my father.  He had talents that I wished I could have, but when it came to his talents behind the camera lens...  I seriously doubted anyone could measure up to what he could capture.  My older brother got that talent...  and the wicked sense of humor, the best handwriting, and the ability to face fear.  I have always been the one struggling with my introverted nature....  Writing was my outlet.

Nowadays, the word "diary" is no longer used.  According to DD, the word is "journal".  No longer are the days of starting off an entry with "dear diary".  Just the date and the word "today I"...  Far more simplified and less personal is how I see it.  Almost like logging in on a log book for a Captain of a ship about what happens from day-to-day...  lacking feeling, lacking meaning...  just a daily report.  I just cannot think that a journal can reach the deepest thought process for release of feeling and the ability to share something that can be looked upon at a future date to learn how something so minuscule can seem so important and come to the conclusion that those little things shaped us to handle life a little better.  In fact, made us a little stronger for experiencing it.  While writing about secret crushes that never became relationships never really become easier, it is about accepting that not everyone thinks like you do, nor like you because you liked them.  The complexities of socialistic behavior always seem to be the most difficult to conform to.

Maybe I am seeing this blog as a diary, of sorts.  The only difference is that I have been sharing what I have been thinking or feeling.  While my deepest of feelings are still kept hidden, I seem to get some limited release.  It is the ability to share what I can that compels me to keep blogging.  Well, maybe offering to those that silently feel alone some relief in knowing that they are really not all that alone.  We all have moments where it seems that it is impossible for people to relate, but in all honesty... they do.  Not necessarily the exact same way, but it is relative.  I sure hope that people that do read this feel that way.  Never one to judge others, I can only judge myself....

Well, it is almost time to grab the phone and make a few calls.  DD did not sleep well last night (neither did I) because of her allergies flaring up and the constant coughing to keep the wheezing at bay.  I need to make a doctor's appointment for her and also call the school to report her absent for the day.  While she could have easily gone to school until the doctor can see her, it is testing week and she does not want to disrupt the class with coughing every few minutes or so.... so considerate, like her mother ;)  I already mentioned to DH about DD seeing the doctor and that there will probably be a prescription in the near future.  While he told me that it is not necessary to report everything to him, I figured that I should cover all the bases before assuming anything.  Money is still a sensitive subject here.  I just feel it is only fair to inform him of everything instead of being blindsided when the bill comes in.

Have a great day everyone!

Good deeds.....

Morning!  Quick blog before I head off to the dentist to spend more money we just don't seem to have....

Good deeds, as vast as they can be, usually go unnoticed.... Unless, you decide to tell people about them.  What about those good deeds that end up causing pain in the end?  While the person performing the good deed feels mentally happy about their accomplishments, there is a physical side that cannot be argued.

Two stories that happened this weekend....

My annual volunteer stint for DD's TKD school and their annual competition is something I will probably do until I can no longer physically do the work.  Setting up and tearing down takes a lot of effort from a lot of people.  Loading stuff in my truck and taking it from one building to another, setting everything in its place, participating in events, being a ring judge for DD's sparring round, packing everything up at the end, and loading my truck again with stuff to take back to DD's school.  Pretty full day.  I actually put in almost 11 hours of solid on-my-feet work with virtually no break.  Well worth it, but manages to be murder on my back.  Already on day #2 of spasm-a-palooza, and not going to see any relief for a while.  Darn Chiropractor is on vacation until next week... bad timing on my part... maybe his...  but I just have to deal until I get to see his smiling face and his comical retort of "when will you ever learn".  Between this and winter snow shoveling... he (and my insurance) are getting a workout.  Good deed...  Feels good to participate and help, but bad for my back.

Second story....  After my volunteering stint, I went out with a couple of my friends to have a few beers, decompress and make a spectacle of ourselves... well, more me than them...  with some Karaoke.  While I get compliments about my singing talents, we do end up meeting new people and get to hear their stories.  Kind of a refreshing thing, if you ask me.  Well, we met a new friend.  Nice guy.  He is extremely motivated with his quasi-bucket list.  He had just finished a dance marathon fundraiser for childhood cancer.  He shared pictures on his phone of his experience.  13 hours of dancing would be a bit much for anyone, but he trudged through it and helped raise money to find a cure for cancer.  In all of the excitement that he possessed for this, he even managed to end his day with a beer or two and some Karaoke.  Good deed to participate for a greater cause, but murder on the body.  Poor guy ached, but kept a smile on his face.  On a side note, my friends and I thought that he was a little ADD or ADHD.  Quite hyper after doing what he did and was quite distracted with everything going on around him.  In closing for that story....  WTG Jason!  I sure hope you are not hurting as bad as we were predicting.

Well, I have mere minutes to get my tush to the dentist.  All it took was for one missed cleaning and broke a tooth.  $1600 in work later, I have to go back to finally get my permanent crown on.  The dental hygienist offered a compelling argument that if I got my cleaning on time, they would have seen the fracture in that tooth and would have fixed it before it had a chance to break....  probably saving me at least the $1600 for a crown.  When dental insurance is not a viable option through DH's insurance plan, it does get a bit costly.  Now, I get to spend another $100 on top of that $1600 for my cleaning.  I sure hope I do not have any cavities or other potential fractures, since I have the habit of crushing ice cubes and hard candy.  That $1600 could have paid my mortgage for the month, but it went to my dentist....  I just cannot afford another big dental bill, so lets hope they find nothing this cleaning....  Then I get to break the news to DH that DD is due for her cleaning, too.....  I think I picked the wrong profession....  Dentists make a lot of money.  Sigh...  off I go...

Have a great day everyone!!

Remember... good deeds have a price....  sometimes two of them (physical and mental).  Here's to hoping your good deeds don't hurt too much ;)  Thanks for reading!!

Is this a sign or is it a trend.....

Good morning friends....  Today's blog has been bouncing around in my head and I felt it is about time I get this released....

Have you ever noticed the sudden increase of talk of love?  It is either finding that one true love, having that one true love, or seeking validation of love?  I wonder if it is a trend during these trying times or are there some hopeless romantics out there that cannot contain their desire to spread thought of that 4-letter word...

While I have believed that romance is not a high priority on my list of needs, I have noticed a slight increase in the desire to be romanced over the past few years or so.  Maybe I am categorizing it under the topic, but I seem to seek out just a little more attention from DH and fail miserably.  His head is too clogged with stress over finances and work to notice me trying.  If I was to even be more obvious in my actions, he would think I am off my rocker.  As well as he claims to know me, he is not so adaptable to change.

With this heightened need of a little more of that "young love" in my marriage falling on the "deaf ears" of DH, my senses seem to be increased in seeing others acts of romance.  No matter how subtle it is, I notice the little glances between people when they are trying to hide it from the general population when out in public.  That slight touch of hands as they stand in a crowd, the smile of admiration, and the flirting in such a corny way that others that are not sensitive to seeking out the "romantic bug" would see as just joking around.  Yep, I fear that I am going to start reading sappy romance novels (once I get the time), and actually enjoy them...  YIKES!  I can only gather why housewives read that soft-core porn is because their married life is far from what they want because reality has its way of throwing curve balls.  Having no doubt that there is a special breed of couples that can look past the stress of life and really embrace what love is supposed to be like.  My parents were one of those special breeds of couples... over 50 years of marriage before my dad passed away and they were truly committed.  Yes, they fought over things, but they never went to bed mad at each other.  Problems resolved rather quickly with them.  Even as time trudges forward, my mom still misses him like it was yesterday, and it has been almost 11 years he has passed away.

BTW...  today would have been my father's 91st birthday...  As I said a little prayer for him today, I hope he heard that I am wishing him a happy birthday even though he is gone from this Earth....  I miss ya, pops...


Well, back to what I am trying to get to....  Over the past month or so, I have seen a lot of love being posted everywhere.  No, not because just a little over a couple of weeks ago it was Valentines Day....  The things I have noticed have well surpassed the Hallmark holiday of love.  Seeing statuses on Facebook seem so ordinary when it comes to people posting little hearts and their announcements of being in love, finding love, or even obvious flirting (all of which do have a tendency to make some people throw up just a little regarding how mushy it appears to be)...  Yep, we all know that you are in love -- so lets move on, right?  jk

Driving behind this car one day, I noticed a sign sitting in the back window.  While I know that it was made at a preschool and it was an intended hand-made valentine for their parents, the sentiment was there.... "You hold my heart in your hands"...  The little hand prints of a child does have me remember how little my baby girl was once... very touching.  Two days later, another car with a lovely sentiment (in sticker-form) on its back window...  "Love is....  "...  They turned the corner before I could see what the rest of it said, but that 4-letter word was there to be seen.  A few days later, another sign, and then another, and then another.  While I did have an Ed Hardy air freshener hanging in my car that says "love kills slowly", I decided to jump off the bandwagon and got something different...  some gel block with an island themed stamp in the middle.  I just wondered if my sudden notice of everything "love" is just my mental thought process still focusing on the inadequate feeling I have had lately, or is it a trend that people decided to take upon because we all would like to be loved just a little more.  I do know that my husband loves me... just not the way I would like to be shown....  He was never a consistent romantic type.  Just when we met.  Once we got married...  well, that is where things changed.

Thanks for reading....  Have a great day!!