Morning! Still a bit in a downer of a phase, but getting some release by blogging. I guess there is an up side to raw honesty that I share. Sadly, not all that is shared is as raw as it could be. I just can't seem to get over that hump when it comes to writing. I tried once to share my perception about a misunderstanding and got slammed for trying to share. I even tried to explain my thought process and other variables of the event to turn the tables in such a way that nobody is to blame. In fact, I try to take the blame on my shoulders.
Yesterday's blog was my attempt to release my less than happy attitude about the build up of resentment in who I am and acknowledge that I am lacking self-love because I place higher regard to being loved by others. I am a tightly wound person that is sensitive to reacting. No, it is not to the level of over reacting, but I can feel that it is getting pretty close to becoming that. My surroundings make me more susceptible to reactionary responses that are normally not deemed as desirable. People want happy attitude and happy reactions that seem to almost border upon becoming crazy and in need of a straitjacket. I just can't seem to pull off that kind of crazy. I will cry when I see those sappy Kleenex commercials. Well, anything considered sappy, nice or considerate at a high level. Opening the door for me or pulling out my chair will not let the waterworks flow, but getting a random nice gesture or compliment just might get a tear to try to form in my eye. As for being a "sponge" to my surroundings and other people... well, I am apt to matching their emotion pretty well. You share an angry moment and I will most likely be angry with you.... Share a sad moment and I will be sad with you.
Being married should put you more "in tune" with the "significant others" feelings. I do try to be the "ying" to his "yang", but it is really hard to do that if you refuse to be open about your feelings. In fact, I know from previous experience that DH does prefer to keep things to himself a lot that could cause discomfort towards others.... Especially feelings of stress and fear. Sadly, he is really bad at hiding those feelings because I have managed to pick up that something is not right. As I am not sure what the actual culprit is in why he is being so distant in a nonchalant way. It seems to border on not really caring about anything, including me. I guess that is where I feel undesired and ugly. He built some invisible wall and feels compelled to keep me in the dark. What nailed the concept home for me is seeing a recent picture of me and seeing that I look even fatter than I did in a month, but I can still fit in my clothes, In fact, I became overly critical and came to the conclusion (without fact) that his being distant is the direct result that I am unattractive. Not knowing all the facts makes me assume the worst because that is easier to accept.
Somehow, sharing this made me realize that my past does come to haunt me on a regular basis. It is really about past relationships that shape us into what we hated. Think about it.... We manage to turn the tables and never really notice that we have a tendency to become what was wrong in the next relationship. Interesting thing, it does not necessarily always happen in order from most recent to least recent. It becomes a mix of all little things that relate to one another that twist and turn into something that is of our own design. I have dated quite a few people in my past. Some were nice, but some were not so nice. There were some aspects in past relationships that I told myself that I would never see myself having a successful relationship with and did the best that I could to avoid those attributes at all costs. One prevalent aspect was being with a person that was "clingy" or overly critical. I love having my personal space not being violated. I wanted to be an individual that was part of a couple. You did not need to hold my hand all the time, public displays of affection was not my cup'o tea, and couples need to be able to do things separately from time to time. Little did I know that I am desiring that smothering attention I hated in my past. I remember being engaged briefly to a control freak and ran because I hated being controlled, but somehow have become the control freak in my own right with how things are ran in my home.... See my point? Chances are, if you look deep in your past and remember all those "failed" relationships from aspects that were considered undesirable, you will see where you have taken ownership of those attributes, but custom made just for you.
I feel better figuring this little annoyance out, but how does a person really remove those custom made undesirable traits that were accumulated over years of bad relationships that you never wanted in the first place. I guess acknowledging them is the start, but how do you remove what has become part of who you are now? I guess that is a journey best taken alone....
Thanks for reading :)
Monday, June 27, 2011
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Self-loathing phase in three... two... one....
Just having one of those days, my friends... The self-loathing phase has arrived. See where deep thinking takes me?? I get a feeling of being a little nostalgic and feeling lost somehow stirs up my insecurities into some kind of person I would not even want to hang out with. At times like these, I should be making a list of all my good attributes to remind myself that even though I feel alone, ugly and undesirable in the presence of DH... I am something special. I have to take the blind leap into faith that I am loved regardless of the invisible wall that separates and isolates me. I should embrace the "now" aspect of life. The chosen path has been taken and acceptance is required of everything that happens because of the choices I made. In the theory of Einstein's theory of relativity that states, "in every action, there is an equal or greater reaction", which is like describing the bounce of a ball.... The harder you throw it down, the higher it will bounce. Little did I think this through because it depends upon what the ball is made of. Bouncing a rubber ball will result in a bounce upward compared to bouncing a ball made of lead.
Here is my list of "lead" balls that I have experienced over the years.....
* Accommodating people are nice people.
(nope, accommodating people get treated like doormats)
* What is on the inside matters more than appearances on the outside.
(nope, people do judge others by what they see instead of what they know)
* Feeling love never needs reassurance.
(nope, reassurance is necessary because people tend to forget, but asking for reassurance makes you appear needy)
* What we experience offers great potential in change.
(sure, if there is a willingness to change. If not, well.... get used to disappointments)
* Acceptance is key to being reasonable.
(sure, but always being the one to accept getting the short end of the stick never changes your odds of getting the long end of the stick)
* Thinking of others over thinking about yourself makes you appreciated in the end.
(nope, you get forgotten because always doing for others without acknowledgment becomes something expected instead of appreciated)
* Nice people never have hidden resentment.
(not always true. Get them drunk and see what flies out of their mouth)
* Apologies are genuine.
(not if it happens again and again and again)
* Changing expectations are heard and heeded to.
(nope, what you see is what you get unless they desire to change)
And here is my favorite one.....
* Sharing concerns or feelings is a good thing when in a relationship.
(nope, gets you labeled as crazy, needy or up to something. Sometimes, it can result in arguments because some statements can come off as "stupid thinking". Especially when the other person appears aloof/detached, disinterested, or stressed)
Insecurities and critical thinking with zero reassurance from the ones you place such high regard upon makes it really hard to get out of this funk. I think I am loved, but really, love is only a word spoken these days. I need to seek out for love and comfort within myself in order to see past the words. It is just so hard when my need for love is depending upon being loved by another. Heck! I would take being desired, appreciated or even being acknowledged over being loved. I just need a little spot to start climbing myself out of this rut. It is just sad to see that my highest expectations are really the lowest expectations others have....
Well, on a brighter note.... I learned that stress makes a person gain weight at a fast rate. I am just pleasantly surprised that in comparison to the levels of stress that I have been through, I am not as heavy as I probably could be, given the circumstances. I somehow managed to slow the gaining process. I am not losing, but I am not doubled in size since the great economic crash started. I just need to figure how to lose weight with stress levels so high I could kill a horse..... If I do that, I just might get one bad attribute to go away.
Here is my list of "lead" balls that I have experienced over the years.....
* Accommodating people are nice people.
(nope, accommodating people get treated like doormats)
* What is on the inside matters more than appearances on the outside.
(nope, people do judge others by what they see instead of what they know)
* Feeling love never needs reassurance.
(nope, reassurance is necessary because people tend to forget, but asking for reassurance makes you appear needy)
* What we experience offers great potential in change.
(sure, if there is a willingness to change. If not, well.... get used to disappointments)
* Acceptance is key to being reasonable.
(sure, but always being the one to accept getting the short end of the stick never changes your odds of getting the long end of the stick)
* Thinking of others over thinking about yourself makes you appreciated in the end.
(nope, you get forgotten because always doing for others without acknowledgment becomes something expected instead of appreciated)
* Nice people never have hidden resentment.
(not always true. Get them drunk and see what flies out of their mouth)
* Apologies are genuine.
(not if it happens again and again and again)
* Changing expectations are heard and heeded to.
(nope, what you see is what you get unless they desire to change)
And here is my favorite one.....
* Sharing concerns or feelings is a good thing when in a relationship.
(nope, gets you labeled as crazy, needy or up to something. Sometimes, it can result in arguments because some statements can come off as "stupid thinking". Especially when the other person appears aloof/detached, disinterested, or stressed)
Insecurities and critical thinking with zero reassurance from the ones you place such high regard upon makes it really hard to get out of this funk. I think I am loved, but really, love is only a word spoken these days. I need to seek out for love and comfort within myself in order to see past the words. It is just so hard when my need for love is depending upon being loved by another. Heck! I would take being desired, appreciated or even being acknowledged over being loved. I just need a little spot to start climbing myself out of this rut. It is just sad to see that my highest expectations are really the lowest expectations others have....
Well, on a brighter note.... I learned that stress makes a person gain weight at a fast rate. I am just pleasantly surprised that in comparison to the levels of stress that I have been through, I am not as heavy as I probably could be, given the circumstances. I somehow managed to slow the gaining process. I am not losing, but I am not doubled in size since the great economic crash started. I just need to figure how to lose weight with stress levels so high I could kill a horse..... If I do that, I just might get one bad attribute to go away.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
lightening bugs and all the little things that shine....
Last night, I stepped outside before the anticipated storm. Just to take a moment to breathe in the smell of the pending storm. You know, just before it rains, there is a distinctive scent that rain is on its way. It is kind of a soothing scent if you appreciate what rain does. All of that pollution in the air seems to wash away after a good rain; nature's drink of choice that quenches the thirst for the flowers, grass and trees. Natures little airborne allergens get weighed down and it leaves a clean scent that must be appreciated.
As I look around, I see lightening bugs glowing here and there. It was such a cool sight to see so many of them out last night. It almost looked like every front yard down my block was decorated with blinking lights normally seen around Christmas time. Little sparkles of light popping up randomly as far as I could see down my street. It was quiet and calm. Looking up at the sky, there was not one star to be seen. Dark, yet dreary was the scene. Well, except for the lightening bugs.
Living in a flood-prone area, everyone was venturing out into their front yards. Not all at once, but there was a few out there preparing to fight the flood threat that happens when heavy rainfall was mentioned in the weather forecast. Having modern plumbing in low lying areas puts us at a higher risk of sewage water to back up into our homes. Sadly, it was not the case years ago. Suburban sprawl has changed over the years. What once had a few homes on that original sewer line, now has additional homes, apartment buildings, condos, town homes and row homes, adding more water to an already stressed system. The only defense is to manually cut your home off from the sewer line, hope the power stays on so the sump pumps keep running, and just wait it out. I call this experience.... modern camping: all the amenities of living in a house, but there is no use of water. It would be really dumb to flush a toilet only to see it back right up into your home via the drain vent that is in the middle of the laundry room. Same goes for washing dishes, taking a shower and doing laundry. Seeing other manually shutting their homes off to the sewer line only reminds me that my home is not the only one going into "modern camping" mode. Some people went the expense for an automatic shutoff system, but there are ones like DH and I that just can't swing the $10,000 for that little piece of mind. At least once everything settles down, we can open that valve and resume a normal existence in our homes with actually using water again.
As the weather channel becomes the #1 thing we all manage to watch, there is nothing more to do than wait it out. At least this round of storms managed to hit while DH was home, so I knew that the full load of stress that happens when a nasty storm is to arrive is not all on my shoulders so I can relax just a little. Somehow, DD's fear fills in the gaps of thinking you can relax and wait the storms out by constantly reminding her that everything will be okay.
As the storm begins, we all look out the window to watch the trees literally bend in the wind, the flashes of lightening, the downpour of rain, and seem to be in awe of nature's wonders. Just moments earlier, we were enjoying the lightening bugs and their little show. It kind of makes us wonder how the birds, bees, bugs and wild animals survive storms like these. Even the ones where actual tornadoes touch down and create mass devastation. While I have not physically checked if our little bird guests that have nests placed in the trees by our home, the ones that were built on the downspout behind the garage and the one on the light on our garage to see if there were no more fatalities that need to be handled before DD goes outside today, I sure hope that they all stayed safe from the nasty storm we had.
What was so interesting last night was the awe a person can feel from seeing light from those little bugs and knowing that we were blessed that the power stayed on. Just having one little light bulb on brought on comfort that cannot be expressed, but seen as we all fell asleep to the sounds of the rain.
As I look around, I see lightening bugs glowing here and there. It was such a cool sight to see so many of them out last night. It almost looked like every front yard down my block was decorated with blinking lights normally seen around Christmas time. Little sparkles of light popping up randomly as far as I could see down my street. It was quiet and calm. Looking up at the sky, there was not one star to be seen. Dark, yet dreary was the scene. Well, except for the lightening bugs.
Living in a flood-prone area, everyone was venturing out into their front yards. Not all at once, but there was a few out there preparing to fight the flood threat that happens when heavy rainfall was mentioned in the weather forecast. Having modern plumbing in low lying areas puts us at a higher risk of sewage water to back up into our homes. Sadly, it was not the case years ago. Suburban sprawl has changed over the years. What once had a few homes on that original sewer line, now has additional homes, apartment buildings, condos, town homes and row homes, adding more water to an already stressed system. The only defense is to manually cut your home off from the sewer line, hope the power stays on so the sump pumps keep running, and just wait it out. I call this experience.... modern camping: all the amenities of living in a house, but there is no use of water. It would be really dumb to flush a toilet only to see it back right up into your home via the drain vent that is in the middle of the laundry room. Same goes for washing dishes, taking a shower and doing laundry. Seeing other manually shutting their homes off to the sewer line only reminds me that my home is not the only one going into "modern camping" mode. Some people went the expense for an automatic shutoff system, but there are ones like DH and I that just can't swing the $10,000 for that little piece of mind. At least once everything settles down, we can open that valve and resume a normal existence in our homes with actually using water again.
As the weather channel becomes the #1 thing we all manage to watch, there is nothing more to do than wait it out. At least this round of storms managed to hit while DH was home, so I knew that the full load of stress that happens when a nasty storm is to arrive is not all on my shoulders so I can relax just a little. Somehow, DD's fear fills in the gaps of thinking you can relax and wait the storms out by constantly reminding her that everything will be okay.
As the storm begins, we all look out the window to watch the trees literally bend in the wind, the flashes of lightening, the downpour of rain, and seem to be in awe of nature's wonders. Just moments earlier, we were enjoying the lightening bugs and their little show. It kind of makes us wonder how the birds, bees, bugs and wild animals survive storms like these. Even the ones where actual tornadoes touch down and create mass devastation. While I have not physically checked if our little bird guests that have nests placed in the trees by our home, the ones that were built on the downspout behind the garage and the one on the light on our garage to see if there were no more fatalities that need to be handled before DD goes outside today, I sure hope that they all stayed safe from the nasty storm we had.
What was so interesting last night was the awe a person can feel from seeing light from those little bugs and knowing that we were blessed that the power stayed on. Just having one little light bulb on brought on comfort that cannot be expressed, but seen as we all fell asleep to the sounds of the rain.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Ya know you are getting old when.....
As I woke up this morning, I realized that in 10 days (after today, of course), I am going to be a year older. Now, I do not place really high regard to getting older, in fact, I want to be younger (wink, wink... nudge, nudge). I actually miss the days when I was totally fearless and pain free.
Getting older does have its perks, but once you hit the ripe age of 21... it seems as if life takes a really fast existence of its own. I remember being a young kid that was so anxious to turn 16 and get my drivers license. Just having the freedom to go wherever you want... whenever you want. Yep, turning 16 was a big point in my life, but it came with a price. My family was not wealthy and to own a car takes money. I was allowed to have my Mom's old car when she got a newer one, but I had to pay for the insurance, the repairs, and the gas. In order to do that... I had to get a job. Working kind of puts a big damper on the whole go wherever and whenever you want to concept. Basically, I got from point "A" to point "B" and those points consisted of work and home. There was never enough hours in the day for me. Between going to high school, I also went to beauty school and I also worked a part time job. By the time I got all the important stuff done, I was spent. I knew I needed more time, so I figured that after I graduate high school, all I would have to do is go to work and then I was free to do whatever I wanted.... HA! That aspect changes once you go from part time work right into full time work. I knew I was young and I had time to find my balance.
The desire to hit 21 was raging in my mind. Being the youngest of 4, there is a strong tendency to be just like your older siblings. Just there was a lack of patience to get there because I thought that going to the bar was going to be the highlight of my life... HA! That 21st birthday came (and went). I did hit the bars back then. Just did not realize that the thrill would die so quickly. Oh, don't get me wrong... I don't mind having a drink or two with friends, but there were a few times I ended up learning about moderation the hard way. There are still some things I will never drink ever again. Meeting "The Porcelain 'God'" was not one of my high points of living life. Still, I managed to have a spring in my step that youth is still on my side. Sadly, once the 20's and 30's passed, age has a funny way of sneaking up on you.
I swear, when I turned 40, it was like I was smacked with the old age stick. Bones started creaking, strange sounds were being made whenever I bent over to pick something up off the floor, the free spirited risk taker left the building and now I figure the risks before taking that leap. I now deal with graying hair, back aches, sleep issues and stress. I never signed up for this, but here it is....
Somehow, with the heat and humidity of the day, I decided that DD and I can hit the local pool. Not a real fan of the post childbirth-girth I have going on, but I can honestly say I have seen way worse at the pool today. Yep, still fighting that never ending battle to shedding some really unwelcome weight, but realized that I at least have the modesty to wear a one piece swimsuit. I just wonder what some of these people were thinking when going swimsuit shopping and walked out with a bikini when they are nowhere near having the right shape for one. Okay, I know that round is a shape, but not really appealing to see a bikini try to stay on one. Okay, that was a little mean to say, but with what I saw today... you would have said "Yikes", too. I do have to admit, they have some very strong convictions and an even higher level of confidence to pull that look off in public. As for me... I prefer to hide the flaws. Kudos to them, I guess. I was just not prepared to find out that setting up a place to sit and read that was far from the crowds was such a good idea. Getting older requires a bathroom to be nearby. The heat of the day got me to jump in the pool without dipping my toe in and the cold snap of the water had me jump out, trot across the deck and hit the bathroom. Thinking it was a fluke that one time, I go back after reading a few chapters of my book since I was feeling a bit hot and as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, I had to hit the loo again. Yep, I am officially old. Not even 43 yet and feeling my age. HA HA HA... I just hope that when I wake up on my 43rd birthday, I don't notice any more getting old experiences. I need more time to get used to the ones I am dealing with now.
Well, off to do some grown up stuff...
Thanks for reading :)
Getting older does have its perks, but once you hit the ripe age of 21... it seems as if life takes a really fast existence of its own. I remember being a young kid that was so anxious to turn 16 and get my drivers license. Just having the freedom to go wherever you want... whenever you want. Yep, turning 16 was a big point in my life, but it came with a price. My family was not wealthy and to own a car takes money. I was allowed to have my Mom's old car when she got a newer one, but I had to pay for the insurance, the repairs, and the gas. In order to do that... I had to get a job. Working kind of puts a big damper on the whole go wherever and whenever you want to concept. Basically, I got from point "A" to point "B" and those points consisted of work and home. There was never enough hours in the day for me. Between going to high school, I also went to beauty school and I also worked a part time job. By the time I got all the important stuff done, I was spent. I knew I needed more time, so I figured that after I graduate high school, all I would have to do is go to work and then I was free to do whatever I wanted.... HA! That aspect changes once you go from part time work right into full time work. I knew I was young and I had time to find my balance.
The desire to hit 21 was raging in my mind. Being the youngest of 4, there is a strong tendency to be just like your older siblings. Just there was a lack of patience to get there because I thought that going to the bar was going to be the highlight of my life... HA! That 21st birthday came (and went). I did hit the bars back then. Just did not realize that the thrill would die so quickly. Oh, don't get me wrong... I don't mind having a drink or two with friends, but there were a few times I ended up learning about moderation the hard way. There are still some things I will never drink ever again. Meeting "The Porcelain 'God'" was not one of my high points of living life. Still, I managed to have a spring in my step that youth is still on my side. Sadly, once the 20's and 30's passed, age has a funny way of sneaking up on you.
I swear, when I turned 40, it was like I was smacked with the old age stick. Bones started creaking, strange sounds were being made whenever I bent over to pick something up off the floor, the free spirited risk taker left the building and now I figure the risks before taking that leap. I now deal with graying hair, back aches, sleep issues and stress. I never signed up for this, but here it is....
Somehow, with the heat and humidity of the day, I decided that DD and I can hit the local pool. Not a real fan of the post childbirth-girth I have going on, but I can honestly say I have seen way worse at the pool today. Yep, still fighting that never ending battle to shedding some really unwelcome weight, but realized that I at least have the modesty to wear a one piece swimsuit. I just wonder what some of these people were thinking when going swimsuit shopping and walked out with a bikini when they are nowhere near having the right shape for one. Okay, I know that round is a shape, but not really appealing to see a bikini try to stay on one. Okay, that was a little mean to say, but with what I saw today... you would have said "Yikes", too. I do have to admit, they have some very strong convictions and an even higher level of confidence to pull that look off in public. As for me... I prefer to hide the flaws. Kudos to them, I guess. I was just not prepared to find out that setting up a place to sit and read that was far from the crowds was such a good idea. Getting older requires a bathroom to be nearby. The heat of the day got me to jump in the pool without dipping my toe in and the cold snap of the water had me jump out, trot across the deck and hit the bathroom. Thinking it was a fluke that one time, I go back after reading a few chapters of my book since I was feeling a bit hot and as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, I had to hit the loo again. Yep, I am officially old. Not even 43 yet and feeling my age. HA HA HA... I just hope that when I wake up on my 43rd birthday, I don't notice any more getting old experiences. I need more time to get used to the ones I am dealing with now.
Well, off to do some grown up stuff...
Thanks for reading :)
Monday, June 20, 2011
Remember when.....
Ever notice that you tend to focus on where your mindset is? Happy thoughts bring focus to happier times long past. Sad moments tend to make a person reflect upon sad memories. Even angry moments tend to make a person remember every little annoyance that should have been forgiven long ago. This mind works in such an interesting way that we can recall moments long past like they just happened yesterday. Think about it...
Here is an example of what I mean.....
You are frustrated that your significant other forgot something important. It could be an anniversary, a birthday, or anything. Somehow, once the argument commences, you hear yourself telling this person a list of "remember when" moments. It does not even matter that it has nothing to do with what the current disagreement is about, but you felt compelled to share once again where this other person screwed up. It could even be a resolved issue... apology was made and accepted, but you cannot ever forget it.
How, about this example. Different mood, but same "remember when" comment. You are with friends and laughter is all around you. Somehow, you recall yet another funny moment and feel compelled to share. Chances are, it was not funny when it happened, but became quite hilarious after the fact.
Same thing happens when a person is sad or depressed. Suddenly, you feel compelled to recall every sad moment that happened in your life when trying to get some release by talking to a friend.
I see it as the mind feeding itself more and more of the emotion that you are currently feeling. Somehow, that moment you feel something is never enough. Memories flood back to fill your mind even more with the emotion. Eventually, things will ease up a bit, but it usually takes a major slam to the psyche to change the pattern. I just wonder how weak the mind needs to be in order to be so receptive of your surroundings. I have noticed that DH's attitude is different. Not really noticeably different to others, but is quite obvious to me. Call it some form of Stockholm Syndrome that a married couple goes through when we sense these things, but I sense that something is just.... off. Somehow, our poor communication skills makes expressing concern into something that might be considered irrational thought (aka: being off ones rocker) because we do have one thing in common.... That is the ability to just swallow down all those undesirable emotions and hide the necessary release from one another. I know that much is true because DH has not seen the many nights I stay up late to be assured that everyone is asleep before I allow myself to cry for release and in the almost 13 years of marriage, I have not seen DH cry once. I apparently am weaker than him because I cried at quite a few funerals of family from both sides and was not afraid to do so.
Lately, I have been in the mindset of thoughtful. Deep thought and understanding is what I have been seeking. Sensitivity to my surroundings has been at an all time high. I just wonder which remember when moment calls for times like these.....
Here is an example of what I mean.....
You are frustrated that your significant other forgot something important. It could be an anniversary, a birthday, or anything. Somehow, once the argument commences, you hear yourself telling this person a list of "remember when" moments. It does not even matter that it has nothing to do with what the current disagreement is about, but you felt compelled to share once again where this other person screwed up. It could even be a resolved issue... apology was made and accepted, but you cannot ever forget it.
How, about this example. Different mood, but same "remember when" comment. You are with friends and laughter is all around you. Somehow, you recall yet another funny moment and feel compelled to share. Chances are, it was not funny when it happened, but became quite hilarious after the fact.
Same thing happens when a person is sad or depressed. Suddenly, you feel compelled to recall every sad moment that happened in your life when trying to get some release by talking to a friend.
I see it as the mind feeding itself more and more of the emotion that you are currently feeling. Somehow, that moment you feel something is never enough. Memories flood back to fill your mind even more with the emotion. Eventually, things will ease up a bit, but it usually takes a major slam to the psyche to change the pattern. I just wonder how weak the mind needs to be in order to be so receptive of your surroundings. I have noticed that DH's attitude is different. Not really noticeably different to others, but is quite obvious to me. Call it some form of Stockholm Syndrome that a married couple goes through when we sense these things, but I sense that something is just.... off. Somehow, our poor communication skills makes expressing concern into something that might be considered irrational thought (aka: being off ones rocker) because we do have one thing in common.... That is the ability to just swallow down all those undesirable emotions and hide the necessary release from one another. I know that much is true because DH has not seen the many nights I stay up late to be assured that everyone is asleep before I allow myself to cry for release and in the almost 13 years of marriage, I have not seen DH cry once. I apparently am weaker than him because I cried at quite a few funerals of family from both sides and was not afraid to do so.
Lately, I have been in the mindset of thoughtful. Deep thought and understanding is what I have been seeking. Sensitivity to my surroundings has been at an all time high. I just wonder which remember when moment calls for times like these.....
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Silent participation...
Just seems like I am going through a phase of sorts. I do not have much to share these days. I guess it stems from really having nothing to look forward to... you know, something like a vacation or a reunion. The unpredictable weather has definitely put a damper on planning anything before noon on any given day. By the time I can finally get DD motivated to go anywhere, it is time to make dinner and wait for DH to come home.
With all this "free time", I have been making the effort to pay attention to things that much more. I have noticed that time does not necessarily heal all wounds. Something odd is happening between DH and myself. Things almost feel strained. I really have not offered much insight of my feelings to him because I somehow feel compelled to try to figure out what is causing this rift that has no arguments or fights all on my own. It is almost like we silently participate in existing in the same home. Each day is the same. He goes to the garage, I take care of the house and DD, and nothing else. I know that it is wrong to compare just wedded bliss to an established marriage, but somewhere along the way, we became detached. The kiss "hello" and the kiss "goodbye" is not happening. The "I love you" at the end of a phone conversation sounds either strained or without feeling. Basically, like just going through the motions of something you do every day... like a repetitive job. I even remember when we first got married almost 13 years ago, how he would just look at me with love in his eyes. Nowadays, I can't even catch seeing him take a glimpse my way. Knowing that I am a girl and that I will be prone to girl-like reactions even though I am a self proclaimed tomboy, I am starting to wonder if time has not been my best friend. That maybe I have become repulsive in his eyes. I know that I am not as thin as I was, but I don't think I have changed all that much. I wonder if I should muster up the courage and ask DH what is wrong with us. Something deep down inside is telling me not to say a word and to let it go.
Part of me thinks it is about the current state of things. DH took a pay cut and I can't seem to land the ideal job to remain supermom while helping with the cash flow situation. Really, could it be that money is the root of our problem? Or should I think the worst and assume that our marriage is dying. I do have to admit that there is a major difference in the giddiness of wedded bliss once the honeymoon stage is over. I just never thought it could feel so.... empty. DH and I have had our fair share of fights. Nothing ever serious. Well, except one time. It was about two years ago. DH knew I was not happy. I knew he was not happy either. We did talk about that dreaded "D" word... divorce. He wanted to know why I was so angry all the time. What he found out after having a long talk was that I was not mad... I was being resentful. I was painfully jealous that he has remained the child in our marriage. I took on so much responsibility after DD was born that I felt I was the only one that grew up. I had expectations that were higher than what he could have imagined of achieving on his dizziest day. I wanted him to become a parent instead of DD's best friend. In fact, I needed him to be less of everyone else's best friend and focus on family and me. Since I really never gave him a chance to try to be a husband and father, I took it upon myself to be the responsible adult for everything. I think that is where I lost my "inner awesome" that he fell in love with. But how does one become what they once were if the situation changed? How can one learn to let go when everything is too important? How can one trust that everything will be okay if you do let go of the responsibility? That is a major cross to bear and I know I cannot do that alone. How can I express my concerns without sounding like I am placing blame on the ones I love?
Knowing that communication is not one of our strong suits I feel that it is best to say nothing and be the silent participant.....
Maybe I can fix this on my own. Maybe this is something that is just affecting me. I could be the sensitive one that is expecting more than what is being offered, ya know.
With all this "free time", I have been making the effort to pay attention to things that much more. I have noticed that time does not necessarily heal all wounds. Something odd is happening between DH and myself. Things almost feel strained. I really have not offered much insight of my feelings to him because I somehow feel compelled to try to figure out what is causing this rift that has no arguments or fights all on my own. It is almost like we silently participate in existing in the same home. Each day is the same. He goes to the garage, I take care of the house and DD, and nothing else. I know that it is wrong to compare just wedded bliss to an established marriage, but somewhere along the way, we became detached. The kiss "hello" and the kiss "goodbye" is not happening. The "I love you" at the end of a phone conversation sounds either strained or without feeling. Basically, like just going through the motions of something you do every day... like a repetitive job. I even remember when we first got married almost 13 years ago, how he would just look at me with love in his eyes. Nowadays, I can't even catch seeing him take a glimpse my way. Knowing that I am a girl and that I will be prone to girl-like reactions even though I am a self proclaimed tomboy, I am starting to wonder if time has not been my best friend. That maybe I have become repulsive in his eyes. I know that I am not as thin as I was, but I don't think I have changed all that much. I wonder if I should muster up the courage and ask DH what is wrong with us. Something deep down inside is telling me not to say a word and to let it go.
Part of me thinks it is about the current state of things. DH took a pay cut and I can't seem to land the ideal job to remain supermom while helping with the cash flow situation. Really, could it be that money is the root of our problem? Or should I think the worst and assume that our marriage is dying. I do have to admit that there is a major difference in the giddiness of wedded bliss once the honeymoon stage is over. I just never thought it could feel so.... empty. DH and I have had our fair share of fights. Nothing ever serious. Well, except one time. It was about two years ago. DH knew I was not happy. I knew he was not happy either. We did talk about that dreaded "D" word... divorce. He wanted to know why I was so angry all the time. What he found out after having a long talk was that I was not mad... I was being resentful. I was painfully jealous that he has remained the child in our marriage. I took on so much responsibility after DD was born that I felt I was the only one that grew up. I had expectations that were higher than what he could have imagined of achieving on his dizziest day. I wanted him to become a parent instead of DD's best friend. In fact, I needed him to be less of everyone else's best friend and focus on family and me. Since I really never gave him a chance to try to be a husband and father, I took it upon myself to be the responsible adult for everything. I think that is where I lost my "inner awesome" that he fell in love with. But how does one become what they once were if the situation changed? How can one learn to let go when everything is too important? How can one trust that everything will be okay if you do let go of the responsibility? That is a major cross to bear and I know I cannot do that alone. How can I express my concerns without sounding like I am placing blame on the ones I love?
Knowing that communication is not one of our strong suits I feel that it is best to say nothing and be the silent participant.....
Maybe I can fix this on my own. Maybe this is something that is just affecting me. I could be the sensitive one that is expecting more than what is being offered, ya know.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Blinders and expectations.....
This past week made me realize something that I notice in others... The inability to see clearly when there are expectations. Here is my recent revelation and I felt compelled to share it today.....
I seem to notice quite easily the efforts I put into things, but rarely ever give credit when credit is due when someone actually does roll up their sleeves and helps. DH went on his little "fishing" trip and I was left at home with DD to take care of everything. I figured that I had it all under control because I believed that I do everything already. I learned that is not the case rather quickly. Here is the list of things that I never really handled, but had to learn this past weekend...
1). As good as I am at handling flood control at a home that has tendencies to flood, I had really no clue how to handle running the generator when the power went out. I learned this past weekend.
2). Being the animal lover that I am, I really do not handle death all that well. The recent weekend storms managed to create 2 baby sparrow fatalities in my yard and I was surprised that having to remove dead birds was not really my job... well, until this weekend. I handled it like a trooper.
3). During times of late evening/early morning storms, I always had the tendency to sleep right through the storms. Since there was 3 solid nights of storms while DH was gone, I learned rather quickly that you can't if you live in a flood zone. In fact, I now know exactly where the sump pump is in my crawl space, how much water needs to get the pump to run, and how high the water needs to get to turn on the battery backup pump.
and....
4). Even after all the rain, all the craziness, the extra hours at work, and my determination to have everything done before DH returns which failed miserably.... He did not complain that he ended up mowing the lawn when he returned from his relaxing vacation of beers, buddies and fishing because with my lack of sleep and inability to do it all, I managed to not get that done. In fact, he managed to cover my exhausted self with a blanket to let me sleep where I landed on the couch after dinner.
Between the back spasms, the lack of sleep and the worrying of not being knowledgeable in everything that goes on in my home... I am really glad that DH is back home.
I guess the lesson learned is that even though a person feels like they "do it all", they really don't. I now have a renewed sense that teamwork does happen in my home. All it took is for one weekend without them to find that out. I think the days of complaining about the shortcomings of DH's inabilities of putting his socks in the hamper are nothing compared to my recent learning of my shortcomings when it came to keeping our house flood-free. As for the removal of dead animals that were victims of torrential high wind storms.... well, I am not sure I will ever be comfortable enough to handle that, but I got over the "heebee-geebees" if I really have to handle it. I think DH is more proficient in handling it, so he can keep that job.
I wonder if there are other ways that people can see beyond the expectations that blind them into seeing that efforts are in place. It may not be when they want it, but the effort is there. Is it possible that impatience is the culprit? I know I have been impatient when it came to DH being constantly tired and messy, but learned that he does happen to do things I never even thought of in my dizziest days and never gave him credit for it. Well, with my eyes wide open, I am beginning to see there is way more out there I need to learn and appreciate. I think I can judge the surface that much less because of it.
Thanks for reading! Have a great day!!!
I seem to notice quite easily the efforts I put into things, but rarely ever give credit when credit is due when someone actually does roll up their sleeves and helps. DH went on his little "fishing" trip and I was left at home with DD to take care of everything. I figured that I had it all under control because I believed that I do everything already. I learned that is not the case rather quickly. Here is the list of things that I never really handled, but had to learn this past weekend...
1). As good as I am at handling flood control at a home that has tendencies to flood, I had really no clue how to handle running the generator when the power went out. I learned this past weekend.
2). Being the animal lover that I am, I really do not handle death all that well. The recent weekend storms managed to create 2 baby sparrow fatalities in my yard and I was surprised that having to remove dead birds was not really my job... well, until this weekend. I handled it like a trooper.
3). During times of late evening/early morning storms, I always had the tendency to sleep right through the storms. Since there was 3 solid nights of storms while DH was gone, I learned rather quickly that you can't if you live in a flood zone. In fact, I now know exactly where the sump pump is in my crawl space, how much water needs to get the pump to run, and how high the water needs to get to turn on the battery backup pump.
and....
4). Even after all the rain, all the craziness, the extra hours at work, and my determination to have everything done before DH returns which failed miserably.... He did not complain that he ended up mowing the lawn when he returned from his relaxing vacation of beers, buddies and fishing because with my lack of sleep and inability to do it all, I managed to not get that done. In fact, he managed to cover my exhausted self with a blanket to let me sleep where I landed on the couch after dinner.
Between the back spasms, the lack of sleep and the worrying of not being knowledgeable in everything that goes on in my home... I am really glad that DH is back home.
I guess the lesson learned is that even though a person feels like they "do it all", they really don't. I now have a renewed sense that teamwork does happen in my home. All it took is for one weekend without them to find that out. I think the days of complaining about the shortcomings of DH's inabilities of putting his socks in the hamper are nothing compared to my recent learning of my shortcomings when it came to keeping our house flood-free. As for the removal of dead animals that were victims of torrential high wind storms.... well, I am not sure I will ever be comfortable enough to handle that, but I got over the "heebee-geebees" if I really have to handle it. I think DH is more proficient in handling it, so he can keep that job.
I wonder if there are other ways that people can see beyond the expectations that blind them into seeing that efforts are in place. It may not be when they want it, but the effort is there. Is it possible that impatience is the culprit? I know I have been impatient when it came to DH being constantly tired and messy, but learned that he does happen to do things I never even thought of in my dizziest days and never gave him credit for it. Well, with my eyes wide open, I am beginning to see there is way more out there I need to learn and appreciate. I think I can judge the surface that much less because of it.
Thanks for reading! Have a great day!!!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Lemons into lemonade (or something like it).....
Morning! Just a quick blog, I hope, and then off to do more stuff around my home...
A recent call from someone reminded me that I have a different outlook on what happens to me when it comes to DH. You see, I believe that DH has the tendency to put me really low on his list of cherished things. Not saying that I am a thing, but in the grand scheme of things.. I am when it comes to the "to do list" of life. Ever see the movie Ferris Buehler's day off? Remember Ferris' BFF Cameron? Well, Cam's dad placed such high regard to that car of his over his family. Well, I have that similarity here. DH has a classic VW Beetle that he cherishes. I know the story behind his attachment and I will share the Cliffs Notes of it....
DH's fist car was a VW Beetle. He bought a fix-er-upper before he even got his drivers license. His desire to become a mechanic was because of that car. He restored that car by himself. Now, since he no longer owns his first car, he got the opportunity to buy the one his father owned which is the one he has now. DH sold everything he could and borrowed against what he did not have to put in his share of opening his own garage. Being broke gave him the drive to succeed and the reward for his efforts was purchasing his father's 1979 VW Beetle. That little convertible car is his "baby" and is treated as such. It never sees the rain and it never is driven in the snow. I feel that this car is more important than me... just like Cam in the movie. Since I do not drive stick, he is assured that I would never take that thing out for a joyride.
The recent events of DH taking a fishing trip with his buddies became the topic of discussion by people that I know love me dearly and feel that his willingness of taking a vacation without his wife and daughter is a cause for concern. I see quite the opposite. You see, this is a chance for DD and I to finally do some things that would be frowned upon in the glorious existence of DH... Sleepovers and fun. Well, the fun part, I doubt he really has a problem with, but has zero interest in the planning or running of a party. The weekends I work consist of DH and DD having "quality" time together. Usually, they just stay home and go nowhere. Between the needed naps from his week of long days at work, he manages to do something like mow the lawn when it is warm out or shovel the snow when it is winter time. His picky eating and limited cooking abilities offer the same scrambled eggs and buttered noodles every Saturday. Basically, a version of Groundhog Day in my home and DH is not really Bill Murray with trying anything new to break the repetitive nature of the day. At least while he is off with his buddies getting a sunburn and coming home with a nasty hangover, I can create some fun for DD and myself with a sleepover for her and a BBQ for me.
Never really blessed with having many birthday parties since summer is when families take vacations. And how can one compare cake and ice cream to the carnivals, the pools and the fireworks anyway? I had options back then.... Have a bust of a party or get something I really wanted from my mom and dad. Money was tight for them, so I opted for a small something I really wanted and tried to keep the cost down. I was a reasonable kid (my mom would argue this fact), but I had a knack to always think of others first. Well, my birthday lost its luster quite some time ago when I spent it at a funeral of a friend, so I rarely make a big deal about it anyway. Now, this BBQ I am having is not for my birthday, but something I have wanted to do for quite some time. I used to have a BBQ every year (usually around the 4th of July), but money got tight. The putting in of extra hours at the salon got me the idea of having a BBQ again. I have saved up every penny I could and the day is almost here. DH leaves for his fishing trip, DD and I have the house to ourselves and our planned fun is to begin. So what people see as a smackdown, I turned it around into something not so hurtful. Now, just noticing that there is a chance for rain to happen on the day of my BBQ has caused me great concern. I just have to figure out how to make that lemon into lemonade if it does rain. Renting the moonwalk does not offer refunds because of rain and I am not sure I can eat burgers, brats, and hot dogs 3 times a day for a month.
I just need to remain positive that it will all work itself out. That the forces that be take away the chance of rain, that this BBQ goes off without a hitch, and that I can finally have a little fun with my friends. Stay tuned to see if this suburban wife that always gets the short end of the stick gets a break for once :)
A recent call from someone reminded me that I have a different outlook on what happens to me when it comes to DH. You see, I believe that DH has the tendency to put me really low on his list of cherished things. Not saying that I am a thing, but in the grand scheme of things.. I am when it comes to the "to do list" of life. Ever see the movie Ferris Buehler's day off? Remember Ferris' BFF Cameron? Well, Cam's dad placed such high regard to that car of his over his family. Well, I have that similarity here. DH has a classic VW Beetle that he cherishes. I know the story behind his attachment and I will share the Cliffs Notes of it....
DH's fist car was a VW Beetle. He bought a fix-er-upper before he even got his drivers license. His desire to become a mechanic was because of that car. He restored that car by himself. Now, since he no longer owns his first car, he got the opportunity to buy the one his father owned which is the one he has now. DH sold everything he could and borrowed against what he did not have to put in his share of opening his own garage. Being broke gave him the drive to succeed and the reward for his efforts was purchasing his father's 1979 VW Beetle. That little convertible car is his "baby" and is treated as such. It never sees the rain and it never is driven in the snow. I feel that this car is more important than me... just like Cam in the movie. Since I do not drive stick, he is assured that I would never take that thing out for a joyride.
The recent events of DH taking a fishing trip with his buddies became the topic of discussion by people that I know love me dearly and feel that his willingness of taking a vacation without his wife and daughter is a cause for concern. I see quite the opposite. You see, this is a chance for DD and I to finally do some things that would be frowned upon in the glorious existence of DH... Sleepovers and fun. Well, the fun part, I doubt he really has a problem with, but has zero interest in the planning or running of a party. The weekends I work consist of DH and DD having "quality" time together. Usually, they just stay home and go nowhere. Between the needed naps from his week of long days at work, he manages to do something like mow the lawn when it is warm out or shovel the snow when it is winter time. His picky eating and limited cooking abilities offer the same scrambled eggs and buttered noodles every Saturday. Basically, a version of Groundhog Day in my home and DH is not really Bill Murray with trying anything new to break the repetitive nature of the day. At least while he is off with his buddies getting a sunburn and coming home with a nasty hangover, I can create some fun for DD and myself with a sleepover for her and a BBQ for me.
Never really blessed with having many birthday parties since summer is when families take vacations. And how can one compare cake and ice cream to the carnivals, the pools and the fireworks anyway? I had options back then.... Have a bust of a party or get something I really wanted from my mom and dad. Money was tight for them, so I opted for a small something I really wanted and tried to keep the cost down. I was a reasonable kid (my mom would argue this fact), but I had a knack to always think of others first. Well, my birthday lost its luster quite some time ago when I spent it at a funeral of a friend, so I rarely make a big deal about it anyway. Now, this BBQ I am having is not for my birthday, but something I have wanted to do for quite some time. I used to have a BBQ every year (usually around the 4th of July), but money got tight. The putting in of extra hours at the salon got me the idea of having a BBQ again. I have saved up every penny I could and the day is almost here. DH leaves for his fishing trip, DD and I have the house to ourselves and our planned fun is to begin. So what people see as a smackdown, I turned it around into something not so hurtful. Now, just noticing that there is a chance for rain to happen on the day of my BBQ has caused me great concern. I just have to figure out how to make that lemon into lemonade if it does rain. Renting the moonwalk does not offer refunds because of rain and I am not sure I can eat burgers, brats, and hot dogs 3 times a day for a month.
I just need to remain positive that it will all work itself out. That the forces that be take away the chance of rain, that this BBQ goes off without a hitch, and that I can finally have a little fun with my friends. Stay tuned to see if this suburban wife that always gets the short end of the stick gets a break for once :)
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
How did I manage to do this????
Morning folks.
While I have yet another load of laundry in the wash, I figured I would take a little time to share the jumbled and forgetful thought process of a person nearing the ripe old age of 43...
Money has been tight and I have been working feverishly to try to get a job in the elusive and also exclusive local school job market. They prefer to hire from within, but there are rare opportunities that come along when they hire from outside the confines. I think being turned down right after sending my resume' has become commonplace, but getting the interview was definitely a hopeful sign that I could join this exclusive club they have. Sadly, after doing my best to impress I was shot down yet again with a letter dated 2 days before my follow up call to let them know that I was still interested and looking forward to a call back. What shocked me was they could not have told me when I called that they already made up their mind and saved the paper and postage for the letter. Oh well, I just gotta keep trying.
Since there are no more posts at the local schools of jobs that I am qualified for, I mentioned to my boss at my part time job that I am willing to be "on call" to help out when needed. With my abilities to do hair, nails and makeup, I figured that I would get a few calls in. Little did I remember that the months of May and June are what us hairdressers call "the silly season". Between prom and weddings, we get slammed with special occasion services of up dos, makeup, manicures and pedicures. I have been called in more times than I care to count. Great for the paycheck, but hard to keep balance in my home. Sadly, once the silly season filled with Bridezillas and potential Prom Queens will end and there will be a major lull until August for the "back to school rush". Feast or famine is the game.... Feast or famine....
With all the extra work going on, DH is taking his annual fishing trip with his friends. Well, that is what we call it. Basically, it is an extended weekend of a drink fest that ends with memories of good laughs, a hangover and a sunburn. DH might catch a fish or two, but throws them back. He would never eat fish, so why keep it is his thought process. As he gets to rest, relax and laugh, I get to stay home with DD and take care of things on the home front. Between going into work every day DH is gone, I get to take care of DD, plan her first sleepover since I have always felt that DH has zero patience for any more estrogen flowing through this house and avoided throwing one because of it, and try to have a little fun myself with a BBQ with friends. DD is thrilled to have a sleepover that does not require allergy meds and an inhaler.
Along with all of this.... I am participating in a fundraiser at my work. You see, a co-worker of mine made the decision to top being an organ and tissue donor on the back of your driver's license... She is donating a kidney to anyone who really needs it. When she told me her plans, my first question was if it was going to a family member or friend. When her answer was "no" and that her wishes were to donate to a person that is dire need... any person... I was taken back. I never thought I would meet or even know a person that offers such a selfless act for the greater good of a complete stranger. In my opinion... she is an angel for ever considering something of this magnitude. She is serious about doing this and went through a battery of tests, psychological tests, and whatever they made her do to make sure of her intentions. She passed with flying colors, is in perfect health (mentally and physically) to do a live organ donation. Since we do have two kidneys and technically only need one, it is possible to do live donations for this and still live a full life afterwards. As for me... I think I will just keep my donations of organs until after I die, thank you :)
Well, in honor of her courage and determination to help in a way that not too many people consider, the salon I work at is doing a "cut-a-thon" to raise money to a foundation that helps live donors, like my co-worker and friend is doing, with financial assistance for their generosity. It takes longer for a donor to heal. Six weeks to be exact. Vacation and sick time might only cover 3 weeks of missed work and this foundation steps in to help when your job does not cover the time off. Feeling so proud of her and her gift of life to another, I am honored to offer my services at the fundraiser that day. With having nobody to watch DD, she is coming with me and will help, too. I just wonder if my little clutter bug will be willing to do some sweeping that day ;)
All in the mix of it all, and saving every penny from the extra hours/days at work, I decided to throw a little BBQ for me and my friends while DH is away. He can't complain about the cost because I saved up for it. I am so looking forward to it, but so nervous about it. I will be running around like a kid on a massive sugar rush. The sleepover is the night before, I have a client to take care of in the morning at work, I need to make sure my home is clean for my guests after the sleepover, I get to prep for all the cooking since it is a BBQ, fit in some fun, clean it up afterwards to go into work again for the full day because I cannot take my time cleaning up afterwards before DH is to come home while I am at work. Just mix in a few other things like the last day of school for DD, her taekwondo classes, and having one less person to help with the grocery shopping and I think I have hit my limit of things to do. I just have to remember to stop taking on any more stuff or I will be the one in the corner with a drool cup under my chin, rocking back and forth, and muttering to myself....
Gotta fly... lots to do.... Have a good one :)
While I have yet another load of laundry in the wash, I figured I would take a little time to share the jumbled and forgetful thought process of a person nearing the ripe old age of 43...
Money has been tight and I have been working feverishly to try to get a job in the elusive and also exclusive local school job market. They prefer to hire from within, but there are rare opportunities that come along when they hire from outside the confines. I think being turned down right after sending my resume' has become commonplace, but getting the interview was definitely a hopeful sign that I could join this exclusive club they have. Sadly, after doing my best to impress I was shot down yet again with a letter dated 2 days before my follow up call to let them know that I was still interested and looking forward to a call back. What shocked me was they could not have told me when I called that they already made up their mind and saved the paper and postage for the letter. Oh well, I just gotta keep trying.
Since there are no more posts at the local schools of jobs that I am qualified for, I mentioned to my boss at my part time job that I am willing to be "on call" to help out when needed. With my abilities to do hair, nails and makeup, I figured that I would get a few calls in. Little did I remember that the months of May and June are what us hairdressers call "the silly season". Between prom and weddings, we get slammed with special occasion services of up dos, makeup, manicures and pedicures. I have been called in more times than I care to count. Great for the paycheck, but hard to keep balance in my home. Sadly, once the silly season filled with Bridezillas and potential Prom Queens will end and there will be a major lull until August for the "back to school rush". Feast or famine is the game.... Feast or famine....
With all the extra work going on, DH is taking his annual fishing trip with his friends. Well, that is what we call it. Basically, it is an extended weekend of a drink fest that ends with memories of good laughs, a hangover and a sunburn. DH might catch a fish or two, but throws them back. He would never eat fish, so why keep it is his thought process. As he gets to rest, relax and laugh, I get to stay home with DD and take care of things on the home front. Between going into work every day DH is gone, I get to take care of DD, plan her first sleepover since I have always felt that DH has zero patience for any more estrogen flowing through this house and avoided throwing one because of it, and try to have a little fun myself with a BBQ with friends. DD is thrilled to have a sleepover that does not require allergy meds and an inhaler.
Along with all of this.... I am participating in a fundraiser at my work. You see, a co-worker of mine made the decision to top being an organ and tissue donor on the back of your driver's license... She is donating a kidney to anyone who really needs it. When she told me her plans, my first question was if it was going to a family member or friend. When her answer was "no" and that her wishes were to donate to a person that is dire need... any person... I was taken back. I never thought I would meet or even know a person that offers such a selfless act for the greater good of a complete stranger. In my opinion... she is an angel for ever considering something of this magnitude. She is serious about doing this and went through a battery of tests, psychological tests, and whatever they made her do to make sure of her intentions. She passed with flying colors, is in perfect health (mentally and physically) to do a live organ donation. Since we do have two kidneys and technically only need one, it is possible to do live donations for this and still live a full life afterwards. As for me... I think I will just keep my donations of organs until after I die, thank you :)
Well, in honor of her courage and determination to help in a way that not too many people consider, the salon I work at is doing a "cut-a-thon" to raise money to a foundation that helps live donors, like my co-worker and friend is doing, with financial assistance for their generosity. It takes longer for a donor to heal. Six weeks to be exact. Vacation and sick time might only cover 3 weeks of missed work and this foundation steps in to help when your job does not cover the time off. Feeling so proud of her and her gift of life to another, I am honored to offer my services at the fundraiser that day. With having nobody to watch DD, she is coming with me and will help, too. I just wonder if my little clutter bug will be willing to do some sweeping that day ;)
All in the mix of it all, and saving every penny from the extra hours/days at work, I decided to throw a little BBQ for me and my friends while DH is away. He can't complain about the cost because I saved up for it. I am so looking forward to it, but so nervous about it. I will be running around like a kid on a massive sugar rush. The sleepover is the night before, I have a client to take care of in the morning at work, I need to make sure my home is clean for my guests after the sleepover, I get to prep for all the cooking since it is a BBQ, fit in some fun, clean it up afterwards to go into work again for the full day because I cannot take my time cleaning up afterwards before DH is to come home while I am at work. Just mix in a few other things like the last day of school for DD, her taekwondo classes, and having one less person to help with the grocery shopping and I think I have hit my limit of things to do. I just have to remember to stop taking on any more stuff or I will be the one in the corner with a drool cup under my chin, rocking back and forth, and muttering to myself....
Gotta fly... lots to do.... Have a good one :)
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