Oh, I love my family... Oh, yes I do. No matter how annoying they tend to be, no matter how many times I want to smack them up the side of the head, no matter how embarrassing they can be.... I love them. I have to keep reminding myself that because their little hobby of driving me nuts has become an art form. Let me share a little tidbit of what I am experiencing that makes me just shake my head and sigh. I do guarantee you that if someone asks me if they are with me... I just might deny knowing them (just kidding)... or am I ;)
Sundays are "family days". The day starts off with making breakfast. Ya know, I think if I did not know how to cook... they would starve. Sadly, their picky nature is no reward for the weary. I am the short order chef in this house. No two people like their eggs made the same way. Well, after breakfast, I get the notepad and a pen out... it is grocery shopping day... oh joy... We figure out what we like to have for dinner and I have to figure how to make it healthy (or something like that) because I am the only one on a diet in this house. Once the meals for the week are decided, we go about the house, checking if there is anything else we need... you know, laundry soap, TP, etc.. Usually, while I am getting the list together, DH does the dishes for me... of course, it is under duress, because you can hear the sighing from across the room. Basically, it is that silent statement that somehow he always washes the dishes, when in fact, I do them all the time. Just helping me once a week puts him into actor mode that I overwork him with household chores.... Oh, the drama. As DH is busy at the sink and I am busy making the grocery list, DD thinks it is still summer and wears a tank top and skort (a skirt with shorts) as her choice of clothing to go to church in. Who cares it is only 53 degrees outside, right? As I ask her to change, she throws a fit and DH chimes in with a sarcastic, "can't we all just get along?"
We pile up into the car to go to church, DD refused to change and somehow forgot to get her coat on as we rush off to church. DH taunts DD with a key chain that lights up and DD starts sing some version of the childhood song, "the wheels on the bus", but with some delusional thought that her father is going to give her the intended lighted key chain fondly called, "horseshoe light". That annoying little version of the song gets stuck in my head and next thing, I am humming a melody to it... yep, I think I have Stockholm Syndrome and my IQ dropped 10 points.
As we finally make it to church, we find a seat and I figure all is well... We made it in one piece. Sadly, DD is whining that she would rather play on the computer than be there and DH looks like he is actually praying, but is actually looking for burnt out light bulbs. Total embarrassment to me, but hey, I got them there, right? As I pray for strength to deal with this pair of goofballs, mass finally ends... I guess God did not hear my pleas because they are back at it in the parking lot... goofy song, annoying little light up thing, and the weekly report of how many burnt out light bulbs were there this week.
We make it to the car and we are off again.... Grocery shopping... oh joy... With list in hand, we get to the store. DH acts all excited and asks me what kind of cheese samples they just might have this week. DD grunts in disgust about her fathers insatiable appetite for cheese, I just shake my head and trudge forward. Yep, I am a mother to not 1 child, but 2. As the kids argue over who is gonna push the cart, I am holding a fair amount of fresh vegetables in my hands, waiting for them to catch up. DH decides to attempt at embarrassing DD with shouting, "wow, that's a low price" randomly through the store, then starts complaining that food is getting too expensive. I get the threat that premium meats and vegetables have their days numbered as he thinks we can live on hot dogs and mac'n cheese. Just the thought is giving me the feeling that weight loss is a pipe dream.... Darn economy! After all the items on our list is checked off.....we pay and head back home.
I get some help in getting our groceries in the house, but it is up to me to put it all away, that is, after they fish out their snack choice. The rest of the day is filled with banter and DH's excitement for this junk that DD made him order from a catalog. Regardless that the order was mailed out a day ago, he thinks it will magically appear in the mailbox at any time. He is enjoying the continuous demand to check the mailbox AGAIN as I am starting to lose my cool... My selective hearing is broken, I am hearing everything. DD starts singing again and the banter becomes continuous.... Just can't wait for Monday to come along... distance makes the heart grow fonder, ya know.
I just wonder why they feel compelled to drive me batty.... KIDS!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Less than perfect....
Hello friends :)
Looking in the mirror today reminded me that reality is cruel, or my eyesight is really bad. Stupid me had a moment when I actually felt "pretty"... well, that is, until I looked in a full length mirror. I realized that there are people that offer you compliments willingly even when you are not looking for them, but appreciate them nonetheless. Over the past week or so, I have gotten random compliments. I was not all that sure why people were offering them so willingly, but it was a nice thing to hear. I just find it so interesting that after getting a compliment here and there, you start to wonder if the comments are honest ones.
At work last weekend, someone told me that I have gorgeous eyes. A few days before that, I was told that I look young for my age when I got "carded". Just yesterday, someone told me that I have a great personality. All of these compliments were well appreciated, but became that curious under note to see for myself. Now, as you can see, the compliments are from the chin and upwards. I should have not looked farther than the bathroom mirror on the medicine cabinet, but there was one compliment that I felt even more compelled to look at myself in a full-length mirror.... someone told me that they noticed that I was losing weight. Knowing that my weight issue has become an all-consuming monster of its own, I wanted to see if my 10 pound loss really made a noticeable difference. After looking in a full length mirror, I felt I was lied to because I could not see it.
Just a little note to self that is worthwhile to share: A 10 pound weight loss really is not all that noticeable. For those skinny chicks that I am friends with that bitch and moan about needing to lose 5 pounds need a slap up the backside of their head. Really... who is gonna notice that measly number? I lost 10 pounds and I could not see a difference.... so there!
I don't know.... It made me wonder if compliments are really genuine thoughts of another person. I recall seeing a pair of friends 'bump' into each other at the grocery store. One just had a baby. Now, not to sound all bitter, but newborns look all the same to me.... They are all cute. Well, that is until you come across one that isn't (which I haven't). Compliments were offered and they went their separate ways. Is it at all possible that a person will offer a compliment because they would rather be nice than honest? I see that being a distinct possibility. Think about it.... you see a very heavy set girl and you can hear the comments from a distance of... "but she has such a pretty face". It almost sounds like a code phrase of she's fat. Ever been set up on a blind date? We know that people will say that this mystery person you are about to go to dinner with has a witty sense of humor or great personality which means he/she is not exactly 'eye candy'. It is those niceties that offer confidence when a person lacks it. I guess why I am thinking that these compliments are less than honest is because I seem to lack the ability to see what they see.
Maybe I am a little hard on myself... maybe I am really hard on myself... I do not know. I am trying to be gracious in accepting compliments at face value, but the toughest critic will always be me.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Just being a bit cynical....
Last night, as I took my darling daughter to her Taekwondo class, I decided to take a little walk. Since I am avoiding cigarettes at all costs, I needed to do something, or better yet, anything to get my mind off my evil little crutch. Believe me, I think I picked the wrong date because that medication has not built up in my body to control the urge to light up. My stress level is still on the high side, and somehow I have moments of being near tears as I try to say 'goodbye' to my old crutch named cigarettes. Well, during my little walk around the shopping center that her taekwondo school is in, I stopped in the local Radio Shack store. I have zero talent when it comes to electronics, but I find it interesting to look at all the stuff. As I was walking around the store, they had on a couple of televisions that were hooked up to Direct TV (a service that they sell) and there it was... the thorn in my side... another political speech of to be broken promises and an even deeper National debt.
Gee whiz, that President Obama is one smooth talker. As I hear him speak so eloquently about how he has the solution to the world's problems, all I could do is laugh. For the past 3 years, the American people were SCREAMING that in order to save this great nation from complete destruction, there needs to be an increase in the job market, cut the wasteful spending and cut the taxes. I was just humored to no end that he claims he hears his people loud and clear. Took him 3 years to do it, but apparently his speech writer felt compelled to write that down for him. Still acting the martyr by blaming someone else for the economic woes, but playing the reluctant savior as he states he has the solution. His whining and threats to cut spending when it came to our military and our seniors got his increase in the debt ceiling. Pretty childish behavior, if you ask me. Well, maybe a little lazy, too. He has had 3 years to make the necessary cuts, ya know. Even his supposed plans to save a trillion over 10 years is really only a drop in a bucket if you realize that we are trillions in debt already.
What I find so comical that is teeters on complete disgust is how each political party plays off one another. A Republican screws up and suddenly the Democratic Party looks good. Now a Democrat screws up royally and now we need a Republican to clean it up. All I see are liars, liars, and more liars. It does not really matter who is in office anymore. All the potentially honest politicians are extinct because the cancerous growth of corruption has taken over. Nobody can honestly balance a checkbook in the whole lot of them. That is what happens when it is not your money being utilized. Ever notice that there was never an accountant running for office? It is all career politicians, lawyers and business owners. There was only 1 actor that I know of as a president and he did glorious things. His name was Ronald Reagan. He barely had a scandal attached to his character, but only a few minor complaints. He managed to increase jobs, cut taxes, cut spending and offer some real alliances with other countries. So sad that nobody ever took his method to the letter. Even his running mate George Bush could not hold it together like old Ronny did. Even George's son lacked the fiber to follow the formula to the letter. Sadly, the American people spoke and felt that a "change" was in order and elected someone that was not ready to fill those shoes. Now, all we have is some pocket change to live on and the American dream is getting crushed into the ground like that spider you saw and squished on the floor.
What a pity to see that our great nation is being destroyed by schneisters and tricksters that manage to pull the wool over the eyes of the innocent with promises that will never be. As long as the mainstream media shows and tells you what they want you to hear/see, there will never be honesty to the innocent people. Bad choices will be made, people will be disappointed, suffering will occur, and fingers will be pointed.
As I hear, yet again, the president's feeble attempts to fix what is broken with a major dose of Christianity beliefs (take from the rich and give the poor a break; to make it fair for everyone), people will continue to hear the socialist views while living in a capitalist nation. I wonder how many more trillions are being wasted on bad ideas and "spinning tires in the mud" reality. As long as people's views are tainted on what is considered a good paying job, the backs of those who build, create, and maintain... break. We used to be a nation that built things; made things; created things. We were innovators that sold our souls (and our jobs) overseas. Now, we are consumers with no formidable income. What a sad existence we live in.....
Friday, September 2, 2011
The stubborn side of... me ;)
Hello folks! Just making a quick blog today. I have a lot to accomplish and not a lot of daytime hours to complete it.... Well, isn't that always the way things are, huh?
Well, lets just dive right in... shall we?
Question of the day to ponder upon: Have you ever felt that change is too scary because you dwell upon the odds that the changes are not necessarily in your favor? You know that there is benefit to change; the excitement that there is something new just over the horizon, the possibility that there is an improved quality to your life or how things happen. It can be a change in how a job is done, it can also be a personal change in your habits. We, as ordinary people with extraordinary potential, have a tendency to grasp upon what we know and are accustomed to. Repetitive actions are considered 'normal' and expected.
Think about it.... what we happen to do on a daily basis becomes a habit. It can be as remedial as which leg we put our pants on first, to which way you stir your coffee. We rarely ever put much thought into how we do things... it just gets done. Now, face a challenge that makes you change what you have been doing for years. Kind-of difficult to actually grasp on a personal level, but is rather easier to face on a professional (aka work related) level. Well, that is, unless can you rewire your thought process. At work, you get a new procedure in writing to follow when it comes to changing something you have been doing for years. In life, you don't get the convenience of a written procedure to follow like you get at work. It is a mind-set that gets you there. It takes energy to remind yourself that what was as remedial as tying your shoes no longer applies when you are making changes. Sadly, there is a personality flaw that we all happen to have and it is called..... stubbornness.
Like having the old adage of, "it isn't broke, don't fix it". Deep. inside our DNA makeup, we have tendencies to dig our heels deep into the ground and refuse to budge. Well, that is something I am facing every day. I create a firm belief in things and refuse to show any course of reason. I guess that is what habits are. Something we tend to hold onto and become unwilling to let go. Even when change is necessary. I realized that my inadequacies (aka bad habits) have been reasoned with in a way that I have justified their need to exist. You see, DH had to quit smoking because he was "broken", so to speak and to "fix" the situation, he had to make changes. Believe me, he was more than willing to make those changes. He was "scared straight" into making some serious lifestyle changes. He even quit drinking (well, at this point he might have had 4 beers in the past month and that is a major change compared to what he was drinking on a daily basis). As for me... well, I know that I need to quit smoking. I know that there are some major health benefits if I do quit. Is the desire there? Yes. Is my determination there? Not really. My stubborn side has a strong hold. It even offered a level of reasoning that makes me unsure if I get to achieve my first goal in getting thinner. Stupid stubbornness using reasoning that can be accepted as fact. My history of quitting smoking proved that. But going back to that bad habit did not get me thinner, either.
I have been on that medication for a week, as of today. Knowing that I could smoke while taking this created an increase in smoking. The desire to keep lighting up is still there and my quit date is quickly approaching. You see, I am quitting on my anniversary as a gift of support to DH and to my family for a better life. I just hope that after that last puff is done, I can lose that excessive weight and start my days off free from a stubborn habit. I can only hope that my stubborn side can change just enough to make the necessary changes. No written procedure to remind me.....
Well, lets just dive right in... shall we?
Question of the day to ponder upon: Have you ever felt that change is too scary because you dwell upon the odds that the changes are not necessarily in your favor? You know that there is benefit to change; the excitement that there is something new just over the horizon, the possibility that there is an improved quality to your life or how things happen. It can be a change in how a job is done, it can also be a personal change in your habits. We, as ordinary people with extraordinary potential, have a tendency to grasp upon what we know and are accustomed to. Repetitive actions are considered 'normal' and expected.
Think about it.... what we happen to do on a daily basis becomes a habit. It can be as remedial as which leg we put our pants on first, to which way you stir your coffee. We rarely ever put much thought into how we do things... it just gets done. Now, face a challenge that makes you change what you have been doing for years. Kind-of difficult to actually grasp on a personal level, but is rather easier to face on a professional (aka work related) level. Well, that is, unless can you rewire your thought process. At work, you get a new procedure in writing to follow when it comes to changing something you have been doing for years. In life, you don't get the convenience of a written procedure to follow like you get at work. It is a mind-set that gets you there. It takes energy to remind yourself that what was as remedial as tying your shoes no longer applies when you are making changes. Sadly, there is a personality flaw that we all happen to have and it is called..... stubbornness.
Like having the old adage of, "it isn't broke, don't fix it". Deep. inside our DNA makeup, we have tendencies to dig our heels deep into the ground and refuse to budge. Well, that is something I am facing every day. I create a firm belief in things and refuse to show any course of reason. I guess that is what habits are. Something we tend to hold onto and become unwilling to let go. Even when change is necessary. I realized that my inadequacies (aka bad habits) have been reasoned with in a way that I have justified their need to exist. You see, DH had to quit smoking because he was "broken", so to speak and to "fix" the situation, he had to make changes. Believe me, he was more than willing to make those changes. He was "scared straight" into making some serious lifestyle changes. He even quit drinking (well, at this point he might have had 4 beers in the past month and that is a major change compared to what he was drinking on a daily basis). As for me... well, I know that I need to quit smoking. I know that there are some major health benefits if I do quit. Is the desire there? Yes. Is my determination there? Not really. My stubborn side has a strong hold. It even offered a level of reasoning that makes me unsure if I get to achieve my first goal in getting thinner. Stupid stubbornness using reasoning that can be accepted as fact. My history of quitting smoking proved that. But going back to that bad habit did not get me thinner, either.
I have been on that medication for a week, as of today. Knowing that I could smoke while taking this created an increase in smoking. The desire to keep lighting up is still there and my quit date is quickly approaching. You see, I am quitting on my anniversary as a gift of support to DH and to my family for a better life. I just hope that after that last puff is done, I can lose that excessive weight and start my days off free from a stubborn habit. I can only hope that my stubborn side can change just enough to make the necessary changes. No written procedure to remind me.....
Friday, August 26, 2011
Balancing act...
Good morning...
Question of the day: Have you ever tried to balance a teeter totter on your own? You know, be on that playground ride and balance both ends off the ground without using your hands and your feet cannot touch the ground? We all know that if you stand on the middle and shift your weight just so, it can be done. That is what life is to be about... balance. We balance work and play everyday. All those little annoyances that add weight to one end or the other is what we try to counteract upon. Some people are quite talented on doing just that. while others have no balancing skills whatsoever.
People, like myself, tend to eventually balance things out, but it is not a smooth transition. The ends bounce up and down quite often. When we do manage to balance that board, it looks shaky. It is a constant battle to keep the board still. Sadly, I thought I had my balancing act down-pact. I started yet another journey (albeit it is with Weight Watchers) to lose weight, and I added a new challenge... To quit smoking. Yep, the one habit I have had for years since my father died. I did quit once and was doing quite well. Then my dad passed away and I grabbed onto that crutch and have not let go since. The sudden desire to quit NOW has been something in the works a long time, but the final push was after seeing my husband in the hospital. The man that I saw as 10 feet tall and bulletproof obviously wasn't. Seeing the scared look on his face (and rightfully so) was my sign to make some serious changes in my lifestyle. We have a child to consider and we need to be here for her.
So, as I have been trying to accomplish 2 things at once, I realized that I was having a harder time letting go of my smoking crutch. I am really good at focusing on one thing at a time. If my plans were to lose weight, I would do just fine on that. I just happened to add another challenge that needs more than half of my attention. During the start of this journey to a better lifestyle and a healthier weight, I did not realize that an old demon was picking the lock on the door that I have since long ago locked. I have had a history of suffering from generalized panic disorder. In other words.... I had panic attacks. I placed a large focus on controlling my panic attacks without medications for years. I can honestly say that I had a pretty good handle on my tendencies to panic for over 12 years. I was only on Xanax for a total of 6 months and that included weaning myself off. I was medication free before I even got pregnant with my daughter. I figured that if I can control this, I can handle anything that comes my way.
While trying to keep this blog as short as I can, I guess I should just get to my current dilemma that I have. After seeing the doctor yesterday about my complaints of headaches and feeling a bit lightheaded, she noticed my ability to clinch my jaw and grind my teeth while being in her office. She saw this as a sign that I am trying to control too much on my plate. After telling her my current plans of losing weight and quitting smoking, she did the math. I am over stressing myself and causing a similar, but not exact, panic attack to occur. Believing that I need assistance, she prescribed my Wellbutrin to help with my attitude and quit smoking. After picking up my prescription, I have a tendency to read the potential side effects and potential risks (stupid anxious person that I am), and started to wonder if it is worth taking this stuff (looked like the cons outweighs the pros to me). After talking to my older sister, the nurse, she assured me that this will work in my favor and I will be just fine. Since I take her opinion highly, I started taking this stuff this morning. So far, so good.... no side effects to report. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is just short term and will help me do a better balancing act. I just hope that my doctor sees it as a short term thing, too, because I really hate taking pills.
Thanks for reading.... Have a great day everyone :)
Question of the day: Have you ever tried to balance a teeter totter on your own? You know, be on that playground ride and balance both ends off the ground without using your hands and your feet cannot touch the ground? We all know that if you stand on the middle and shift your weight just so, it can be done. That is what life is to be about... balance. We balance work and play everyday. All those little annoyances that add weight to one end or the other is what we try to counteract upon. Some people are quite talented on doing just that. while others have no balancing skills whatsoever.
People, like myself, tend to eventually balance things out, but it is not a smooth transition. The ends bounce up and down quite often. When we do manage to balance that board, it looks shaky. It is a constant battle to keep the board still. Sadly, I thought I had my balancing act down-pact. I started yet another journey (albeit it is with Weight Watchers) to lose weight, and I added a new challenge... To quit smoking. Yep, the one habit I have had for years since my father died. I did quit once and was doing quite well. Then my dad passed away and I grabbed onto that crutch and have not let go since. The sudden desire to quit NOW has been something in the works a long time, but the final push was after seeing my husband in the hospital. The man that I saw as 10 feet tall and bulletproof obviously wasn't. Seeing the scared look on his face (and rightfully so) was my sign to make some serious changes in my lifestyle. We have a child to consider and we need to be here for her.
So, as I have been trying to accomplish 2 things at once, I realized that I was having a harder time letting go of my smoking crutch. I am really good at focusing on one thing at a time. If my plans were to lose weight, I would do just fine on that. I just happened to add another challenge that needs more than half of my attention. During the start of this journey to a better lifestyle and a healthier weight, I did not realize that an old demon was picking the lock on the door that I have since long ago locked. I have had a history of suffering from generalized panic disorder. In other words.... I had panic attacks. I placed a large focus on controlling my panic attacks without medications for years. I can honestly say that I had a pretty good handle on my tendencies to panic for over 12 years. I was only on Xanax for a total of 6 months and that included weaning myself off. I was medication free before I even got pregnant with my daughter. I figured that if I can control this, I can handle anything that comes my way.
While trying to keep this blog as short as I can, I guess I should just get to my current dilemma that I have. After seeing the doctor yesterday about my complaints of headaches and feeling a bit lightheaded, she noticed my ability to clinch my jaw and grind my teeth while being in her office. She saw this as a sign that I am trying to control too much on my plate. After telling her my current plans of losing weight and quitting smoking, she did the math. I am over stressing myself and causing a similar, but not exact, panic attack to occur. Believing that I need assistance, she prescribed my Wellbutrin to help with my attitude and quit smoking. After picking up my prescription, I have a tendency to read the potential side effects and potential risks (stupid anxious person that I am), and started to wonder if it is worth taking this stuff (looked like the cons outweighs the pros to me). After talking to my older sister, the nurse, she assured me that this will work in my favor and I will be just fine. Since I take her opinion highly, I started taking this stuff this morning. So far, so good.... no side effects to report. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is just short term and will help me do a better balancing act. I just hope that my doctor sees it as a short term thing, too, because I really hate taking pills.
Thanks for reading.... Have a great day everyone :)
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
The things people do to achieve.....
Good morning friends :)
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
It has been an eventful month. I have not been much of a blogger lately and I need to get back into it. While doing my best to keep any talk of weight loss and that hellish journey that is off this blog, I created a new one that is just for that journey.
You see, things are changing at the home front. With the first day of school for DD just over the horizon (well, really it starts tomorrow), and the major health scare DH had with his heart earlier in the month... I have really avoided sharing much. Since this is a new beginning after such a long break, I figured a quick recap of what has been going through my mind is in order....
Earlier this month, DH finally agrees to see a doctor about his difficulty in breathing situation when exchanging a propane tank for our grill resulted in a dizzy and breathless feeling that could no longer be brushed off as something that is going to go away on its own. After a few tests, DH was transported via ambulance to the hospital ER room with excessive fluid in his lungs, an increased heart rate (his resting rate was over 150 beats per minute instead of the average person's 40-70), and an irregular heartbeat. Basically, all the makings of congestive heart failure from Atrial Fibrillation. Luckily, the tests did not result that an actual heart attack occurred and after a couple of days in the ICU and a couple of days more in the hospital (which so far has a running total starting at around $40,500 just for the room, the meds and some of the tests and still is growing with Dr's bills and other specialists that have not added in their charges... thank GOD we have insurance), DH ended up getting his heart shocked back into a regular rhythm and sent home with expected changes and a mini pharmacy of medications to take. Glad he is back home and doing well... regardless of the issues we have been having over the years. DH is now on the road to taking his health seriously by quitting smoking and he is to quit drinking, too. Not sure on the drinking part. He lasted only 3 weeks before hitting the beer can again. I was not there and I can only take his word that he did not have more than 2 beers. I can only hope that is the truth. As for the smoking.... he has quit for good this time. As for me... Still working on it--- darn it!!
With the changes in place for DH and the desire that we both quit smoking, I knew that I am up for a bigger challenge than DH is going through. I quit smoking a couple of times and gained a lot of weight. Already being overweight as it is... I am not really thrilled about gaining more weight. You see... taking the habit back up did not help me lose the weight either. Feeling stuck between a boulder and a brick wall, I am trying to achieve both at the same time and is not at where I need to be on either one. I rejoined Weight Watchers (aka WW) for the second time and is determined to see it though.... no plateau is going to derail me again. I am down only 4.4 pounds in 2 weeks with the program. The number I need to lose makes my current loss really nothing in the grand scheme of it all, but I have to keep reminding myself that this did not come on overnight and I cannot lose it as fast. I guess I am at a good start. As for the smoking.... well, I have cut back a lot. I am still clutching onto that crutch that if I quit completely... I will not lose another pound. Well, I would be lying if I did not mention that I am under a load of stress while trying to achieve 2 difficult tasks at once AND deal with the drama I am getting tossed my way.
As for my mindset through all of this..... Well, after putting in years (and I mean YEARS) of poorly playing the "I win, you lose" game, the snub-like treatment, and the endless battles of having zero chances of ever seeing my point of view.... the bitch finally comes out and my "I don't give a rats butt" attitude finally surfaces... I figured that I was going to become a stronger person again - maybe even be a little happier in the process. That all came crumbling down when seeing DH looking absolutely frightened in the hospital. It took all that I had to remain strong through all of what he was going through and to be the rock that DD needed because she was an absolute wreck. I still have not let myself actually really cry to release the pressure. I just have little spurts and sputters here and there when things feel very tense. Kind of like a pressure cooker letting off small amounts of steam in order to avoid blowing up, but still holding in most of the pressure. I know that the day will come that I will finally cry, scream or who knows what else to let all this bottled up crap loose. Oh, how nice it would feel to laugh without feeling guilty afterwards; to smile and really mean it. Hey! It would be nice to feel pretty again! No matter how much of a tomboy I am, I still like to be admired. It is just so sad that the one person that I feel should admire me rarely ever looks at me, but at least he is still here. I guess that is why I am so determined to lose my "Stay-puff marshmallow suit". He is probably repulsed by my girth. I know that I am.....
Monday, August 1, 2011
Scary changes...
Ever get into a terrible rut when it comes to the way you do things? Have you been less than thrilled to take on some major changes you know that you have to make? Ever had such a lousy attitude about change that you manage to lose focus on the important reasons for the change? I can honestly say that I have been facing some much needed changes that I have been kind-of avoiding.... Here is the briefest synopsis I can drum up. Just accept it that it is is in outline form and quite choppy when it comes to flow. It is the best I can offer today....
Sunday, July 24, 2011:
I knew that I had to change my diet. I know that I have to think more about my health and quit smoking. Just being told to do both at the same time is not what I wanted to do. Being overweight, emotionally unbalanced from nicotine withdrawal, and try to lose weight when it is widely known that weight gain is going to happen when you quit smoking is a little more than I was ready to take on after last week's events. I have full intentions of achieving both (losing weight and quitting smoking), but my original plan was to lose weight first, then quit smoking. Less stress on my mind to do it that way, and with the weight gain that I know is going to happen no matter how hard I try, I at least would have some clue how to manage my diet better if I can see some weight come off first and the weight gain would not be as big of a deal as it will become now. Last time I quit smoking for a year and a half, I gained 40 pounds that I can't seem to take off even when I fell off the wagon and lit up again.
Already stepped on the scale after doing some major cutting back on the cigarettes and changing my diet. 4 days in and I already gained 2 pounds. Not real happy about that. Just gonna keep trying. DH is required to quit smoking, too. He also is required to stop drinking, cut out high fat foods, salt and butter. I am trying to be supportive by following his required diet and quit smoking with him. This is a lot harder than I remember, but I know that once we both quit.... It will be easier to stay smoke free. I think that is what made it easier for me to fall off the wagon last time because we both did not quit... only me. I know that there is an "upside" to all of this, but seeing me gain in the past 4 days really is making it hard to focus on the "big picture". I just sure hope I do not fail....
Sunday, July 24, 2011:
- DH complains of breathing difficulty and finally agrees to see a doctor.
- Take DH to one of those 24 hour treatment centers since my doctor does not work on Sundays.
- DH is rushed to the hospital via ambulance. Initial tests point towards Atrial Fibrillation, excessive fluids in lungs, feet and ankles with increased heart rate.... All the makings for Congestive Heart Failure.
- DD freaks and demands to go home, DH screaming he needs help, and I am reaming out the ER doctor with demands that a Cardiologist gets called in and sits vigil at DH's bedside while I take DD home and seek out a sitter. (Stress level excessively high)
- I get a call shortly after getting home from the ER doctor that DH did not suffer a heart attack and still has issues becoming stable so he was sent to the cardiac ICU and will get the attention that I demanded he gets.
- DH remains in ICU. Tests being taken and no answers offered to me. DH asks doctors to keep me "in the dark" and to only tell him what is going on.
- Late Tuesday morning, DH gets moved to a room in the cardiac wing. He is stable, but his heart beat is irregular and his pulse rate is too high. More tests taken.
- Tests, tests and more tests. Still being kept in the dark about it all except I am sneaky enough to demand to get answers from his nurse off his chart.
- DH gets a roommate Wednesday night. Screamer the whole night and was revived from the brink of death in the morning... Just before I get to the hospital. DH is a bit concerned and wants to come home.
- Decision was made to do 2 procedures on Thursday morning. One was to check for clots and faulty valves of his heart. If all looks good... DH gets a shock to the heart to restore regular, controlled heart beats and pulse rate. DH goes through both procedures like a champ.
- DH gets okay to be released .
- DH is home by dinner time. New diet in place and some serious changes are underway. Pile of new medicines to manage and a calendar filling up with various doctor appointments.
I knew that I had to change my diet. I know that I have to think more about my health and quit smoking. Just being told to do both at the same time is not what I wanted to do. Being overweight, emotionally unbalanced from nicotine withdrawal, and try to lose weight when it is widely known that weight gain is going to happen when you quit smoking is a little more than I was ready to take on after last week's events. I have full intentions of achieving both (losing weight and quitting smoking), but my original plan was to lose weight first, then quit smoking. Less stress on my mind to do it that way, and with the weight gain that I know is going to happen no matter how hard I try, I at least would have some clue how to manage my diet better if I can see some weight come off first and the weight gain would not be as big of a deal as it will become now. Last time I quit smoking for a year and a half, I gained 40 pounds that I can't seem to take off even when I fell off the wagon and lit up again.
Already stepped on the scale after doing some major cutting back on the cigarettes and changing my diet. 4 days in and I already gained 2 pounds. Not real happy about that. Just gonna keep trying. DH is required to quit smoking, too. He also is required to stop drinking, cut out high fat foods, salt and butter. I am trying to be supportive by following his required diet and quit smoking with him. This is a lot harder than I remember, but I know that once we both quit.... It will be easier to stay smoke free. I think that is what made it easier for me to fall off the wagon last time because we both did not quit... only me. I know that there is an "upside" to all of this, but seeing me gain in the past 4 days really is making it hard to focus on the "big picture". I just sure hope I do not fail....
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