I'm sorry.... broken

I have always believed that I am a fairly rational person that will go out of their way for others.... especially, my family.  I tend to be a little more understanding and sympathetic to their plights, which end up making me put in even more effort to at least make their lives a little easier, but manage to take a little pieces of me with it.  Here are some examples.....

I cook meals to feed my family since nobody here seems to either know how to cook or they just refuse to put in the effort.  Regardless of the fact that, I am asked countless times, "what is for dinner", and "When is dinner going to be ready.... I am starving!  I will wither away to dust if I get any hungrier".  While DD has offered to help with cooking from time to time, I have to at least give her credit for putting in an effort.  As for DH?  Well..... let's just say.... It takes me losing my collective (expletive) for him to consider going to the store and get a frozen pizza to put in the oven.  Of course, I forgot to mention that I had a fever of 102 and was woken up from being asleep to ask me when I was going to start making dinner..... twice!  So, every day I make sure I am home to cook dinner, and when I have to take a late appointment at work.... I create a gap in my day to run home, cook dinner and return to work so I don't get nagged about dinner when I do get home.  My Saturdays consist of not taking a break to rest my weary feet and back when I get home because once I walk in, I am walking straight into the kitchen to get dinner started.  At least I am allowed to drop my purse and take my coat off (if I am wearing one), but to sit down and just take a break?  Nope, gotta feed the family.  No offers of help, oh, and no offers to do the dishes afterwards either.... I get to clean up after cooking.  I usually get the empty spoken phrase of, "thanks for making dinner" from DH, and that is about it.  Would I love a little help from time to time?  I sure do!  Just offering to do the dishes, or offer to make dinner willingly because they want to would be amazing... and appreciated.

With the mentions starting with cooking, I also am required to clean up after my family.  That consists of laundry (since nobody else has the motivation to step in and help), the collecting of dirty clothes from the floor (because nobody can drop their dirty clothes in the hampers that sort the loads), dusting, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, taking the garbage out.... you know.... basically everything because everyone else is just so darn tired after their day.  Doesn't matter that I am just as tired after mine, but I guess those spare moments in the day are not allowed to be mine.  Sure, on most days I have a little more time to get these things done than they can, but a little help here and there would be appreciated, but yet again.... help does not come until I am a crying wreck, losing my collective (expletive) to get a little help.  And I mean a little.  I think one mental snap got DH to put his dirty socks in the laundry bin for about 2 weeks before they now reside next to his side of the bed again.  Would it be nice if there was a little consistency in helping keep the house clean by avoiding to make it messier?  Oh, heck yes!  But does anyone consider putting in the few minutes to maintain what I cleaned?  Uh.... nope.

Did you know that I am the designated driver to all the errands for this family?  Since I really do not get a "date night" with DH (the chair, the remote and the reruns of American Pickers on TV is his choice for a fun time), all errands are driven by me.  Need groceries?  Lets pile the family in the car and take everyone to the grocery store.  Of course, we are required to make a list of what we need because we are on a restricted budget.  Now, I am required to plan the weekly meals in accordance to the dietary restrictions of DH, but with the list of only approved foods from the same picky eater.  While all of us are trying to focus on eating healthy, there are only certain foods that DH will eat.  Since he is the pickiest eater here, we are restricted in what will be made.  Of course, I also am required to deal with DD's odd selection of what foods she will eat in regards to their preparation.  You see, she likes carrots, but does not like cooked carrots.  She likes apples, but not applesauce (unless I make it from scratch).  She will eat mashed potatoes, but not the instant kind.... I have to make it from peeling actual potatoes for her.  As for DH, he has such a long list of what he won't eat, I find it easier to list what he will eat..... he will eat meat (but not fish), starchy vegetables (corn, potatoes, peas, carrots), he likes rice, pasta, and bread... he does love cheese, but with his cholesterol issues.... we have to limit that, and butter (another favorite).  Along with his cholesterol issue.... I have to avoid most processed foods (of which he would live on the stuff).  He will eat a salad, but it cannot have salad dressing because DH hates mayo and sour cream (which is found in most salad dressings).  He likes to load it up with cheese, olives and croutons.  Fruit is totally out of the question for DH, along with most green vegetables and if there is a hint of a vegetable he won't eat in something I make.... he pitches a fit, so he watches everything I put in the shopping cart.  DD is dragged along and she absolutely hates it.  Lately, we let her decide if she wants to go because if we make her... she drags her heels and prolongs my misery because once we get home with the groceries.... the bags are brought in by all of us, dropped on the kitchen floor and left for me to put it all away.  Yep, my environment is controlled by others that seem to take to dictating my life as their life's passion.  Does anyone offer to help put the groceries away with me?  Nope.  They will dig through the bags to find their snack and leave the room to eat it.  There was only one time I missed out on grocery shopping and that was the one time I was so sick I couldn't stand straight on my own.  DH and DD had a "Dickens of a time" navigating the store and picking out produce.  Never again was there an offer to just take that task off my hands since.

Oh, and did I mention that I am required to pick up prescriptions, fight with the insurance company over medical benefits, make doctor appointments, and I am the personal shopper for my family?  Need new socks?  I am the one running to Target or Walmart.  Need new shoes?  I am back in the car to find new shoes.  Out of shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste?  Off I go to get that stuff for you.  DH has not done Christmas shopping, or any gift shopping, in the past 15 years.  I am told what to find and to get it.  Wrapping gifts?  Apparently, I am required to do it, but DH is far better at wrapping boxes than I am.

Now, with all this stuff being done by me in the house, I also end up doing things outside the house, too.  Not as often as you think, but often enough.  I usually take the trash out to the curb every week, but DH usually will do the yard work.  Once in a while I will mow the lawn for him, I do most of the shoveling of the snow in the winter, and I am usually the one that starts to trim the hedges in the spring.  I do all the grilling it seems and I was the one that cleaned out the garage.  So far this fall.... I have done one of the big leaf clean-up jobs out of the two where the village does curbside pickup.  I ended up bagging it all because the neighbors just planted ground cover plants between our houses and it would be in bad form to drag a tarp full of leaves across the plants.  DH decided to now drag the tarp through the garage the one time he did leaf clean up.  Either way.... yard work is getting done.

Now, I have not even gotten to the things I do beyond the day-to-day demands I get from DH and DD.  I do have a job.  While it is considered part-time, I do put in more hours to accommodate the demands of my clients.  In my job, that is commission based, I can only earn from what I charge for services done.  If I have noting to do.... I earn nothing.  While this can leave a lot of room to just take time off to do the demands from home, it does not leave a lot of room to blow off potential work.  If a client needs an evening appointment.... I will accommodate.  If a client needs me on my day off... I will accommodate.  So, while the hours seem at times minimal... I feel I am on the clock 24/7.  I just fill it in with other requests/demands.  I try to help my mom when I can.  Of course, there are other siblings that can step up, but even their lives are busy so I pile on more on my already overloaded plate because it is what is expected of me.  Darn shame I feel like I am being taken advantage of because of my willingness to be helpful, though.

With all of this I happen to deal with, I am also going through menopause.  Sigh, you have no idea how much energy it takes to keep my attitude in check.  I am required to be on my "A-game" 24/7 because I deal with people all the time and I mean ALL... THE.... TIME!  Between my job as a hairdresser, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend.  I am an Aunt, but my nieces and nephew are too busy to need me, for which I am thankful for.  I am stretched to the limit and these hot flashes are getting a little ridiculous.  The feeling of constantly being tired is getting on my last nerve, that is, if my last nerve is not being stretched by all that I deal with on a day-to-day basis.  That desire to not rock the boat, to take on the extra because nobody else wants to step up and help me.  To avoid that inaudible sound from DH that makes my skin crawl with fear that there will be yet another argument over who's job it is to take care of things.  I will admit that I am not a great linguistic argumentative person.  I lack the ability to really pack a verbal punch probably because I am so beaten down that all I say these days is..."I'M SORRY... I'M BROKEN".  My family, my environment, and me are to blame for being this way.  I am so tired trying to control things I have really no business controlling, but I also have a severe lack of faith that if I stop trying..... nobody is going to try for me.  I need to admit that I am an enabler.  I put everyone's needs before my own and it has resulted in me being physically and emotionally broken.  I have no clue how to stop it, I have even less of a clue how to fix it, and I am getting to a point to where I just do not care anymore. 

As I announced to DH yesterday that I was having a bad day, he sat there and listened to me cry over how broken I happen to be.  No words of support, no words of comfort, no words at all.  He left for his usual visit to his friend for beers and to complain about his wife for a few hours, didn't eat the dinner I prepared, and hasn't spoken to me since.  He did do a load of dishes for me, though.  Forgot to put dinner in the fridge.  I had to throw it out this morning.  Well.... it is Monday.  The salon is closed today and I have a full day of laundry, housework, and meal preparation ahead of me.  Best to get it started.  Maybe I will get a "thank you for dinner" tonight.

Thanks for reading.

Just needing to vent a little.....

Well, it is a holiday weekend and people are sleeping in today.  As for me.... I have been up since 2am with allergy sinus pressure that makes me want to close my eyes, but a cough that refuses to let me get any sleep.  So.... I may appear a little bitter in this blog entry, but I have a pressing question that will not get an answer until after the holiday weekend is over and then I get to sit on hold for an hour with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois healthcare insurance company.  One department in mind... the claims department.

Is it just me, or is that automated answering system just a tool to piss off the caller?  I have no doubt that they use this system to at least attempt to try to route the call to the right department, but when you finally do get an actual person.... they ask the same damn questions that the automated system asked.  Does not seem all that efficient, if you ask me.

Well, I have no doubt that after getting the 20 questions game with a computer that answered the call first over with, I will be required to do it all again to an actual person that sounds like they would rather be anywhere but their job.  Then, I will be put on hold as they type a little on their computer to pull up my policy and mention some lame excuse as to why a claim has been denied when I took the time (literally) to call ahead and check for coverage and to make sure that I am leaping through the correct flaming hoops to be assured that there will be coverage.  Yep, I am one of those people that ask first and then follow the rules to get the end result that we need.  Especially, for services that I know will cost a blooming fortune and has the potential to put my family on the rung below the poor house (since we are already there).

With this apparent "wonderful" healthcare initiative that our previous president spearheaded without really thinking it through.... I make it a requirement to check for coverage before eve thinking about making an appointment.  Pretty sad to say that I do this with a PPO plan that should not require pre-authorization for treatment, but since there was so little concern for the working class that is required to purchase this insurance.... the insurance carriers now have more red tape and flaming hoops that allow them to not pay their share.  That is beyond the insane premiums that they can charge.  It is painfully obvious that all insurance companies are "for profit" organizations.  If you have ever really looked at an itemized doctor bill, you will get to know intimately how the system is played.

Let's just say you are to see a specialist.  In my case, it was for an orthodontist for DD.  She needed braces because the cross-bite that she has, along with some misaligned teeth, is one of the catalyst for her migraine headaches.  Sure, there are other factors for the headaches, but dental issues can also span abilities of chewing as well as, in a small way, cosmetic needs.  The dentist has been screaming for DD to get braces before she turned 10 years old.  I waited because of two factors..... all of her teeth were not in yet and once they were all in, her need for braces could diminish, and the big reason is because we just could not afford them.  When the Affordable Care Act (ACA or also known as "Obamacare") was pushed into effect, pediatric dental is a requirement.  Didn't know about this because when trying to read the bill online, it was hidden in so much legal jargon that when our healthcare insurance carrier was required to show it on our insurance card, I finally became aware of it.  Upon calling our insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois or BCBSIL), I checked about coverage, restrictions, and availability for my 17 year old child.  While our insurance is a PPO plan, I was told that we can select any orthodontist to get the much needed braces for DD, but there are a few ortho offices that they (the insurance company) prefer over others.  I found out percentages of coverage, the cap for our of pocket, deductibles, copays, and everything in between.  I was assured of what the cost would be before even stepping foot in the office and figured that if everything quoted remotely matched what we could afford... I could get DH on board to getting this done.

After checking everything, making sure all the i's were dotted and the crosses on those t's, we set forth with the assurance that our insurance would do their part in this $7100.00 adventure.  We had to make sure that we got this done before the end of June because where we were on Deductible and out of pocket would be set back to zero and the math would be different and could quite possibly not affordable with our incomes.  Well, needless to say.... DD got her braces well before the end date of that policy and before we renewed our plan, so according to all my research and math... we should be covered, right?

Well, apparently not.

The orthodontist managed to lose the claim to the insurance company TWICE and if it was not for me being a royal pain and hyper critical.  I made sure that BCBSIL was aware of the service date and they made sure to figure the claim from that date and time to the plan that was active at that time.  Working with the numbers from my previous calls to BCBSIL.  I was assured that the service is covered and the percentages are as what was quoted, but apparently, people LIE.  Currently financing the agreed out of pocket amount for the next 2 years has now been changed to us being required to finance the whole thing with no discounts that insurance carriers make with providers, no coverage what-so-ever of services performed.  Yep, what was covered care (as little as it was) has now been denied.  No real explanation as to why, but now an added burden to our already painfully restricted budget.  Of course, they (BCBSIL) has the audacity to claim that we have pediatric dental coverage for our daughter because she is under the age of 21 and is a full-time student.  WHAT A CROCK OF BULLSH*T!

Now, I get to wait for the holiday weekend to be over (since we received this tidbit of news in the mail on Saturday) to call and find out why our family is being financially raped without buying us dinner first.... screwed sideways without any lubricant.  I have to figure when I can carve out at least an hour of my day, in their open hours of operation, to speak to a machine - then an unhappy person, to get the run-a-round to hear them vomit out their apologies and some lame excuse as to why I was lied to with some cockamamie flaming hoop that they decided to not mention to me before, and then give me some impossible red tape path to take to see if maybe they can help us out.  Otherwise, I get to watch DH toss and turn in his sleep from stress that we yet again are sh*t out of luck and have me sleep even less than I do trying to find a way to figure another creative math equation to cover this new responsibility and avoid any other hiccups that can potentially sink us financially.  All the while, hope that nobody will require seeing a doctor or need medications until we can figure this out.

I guess on a brighter note, it took me a little over 2 years of saving to get my husband a new chair.  It was delivered yesterday and sadly makes my couch look quite sad, but at least my overworked husband can at least have a comfortable place to sit when he comes home from work.  Pretty sad that it took me a little over 2 years to afford a small token of luxury in my house, but every time I was close... something took that saved money away.  Sucks to have a job that strictly pays commission.

Oh well, time to streamline the grocery list to a new, smaller budget.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I hope you have a better day that I am.....

I wonder if friends are wondering.....

Recently, I have taken on a challenge and I am not sure if anyone has figured it out.  It is not like I am requiring people to figure it out, but it would be interesting if others felt at least a little compelled to join my little challenge.  It does take a little effort, not so much that it is difficult to do.  Heck, we are all capable of this and at times do manage to do this without much thought.  Especially in times of need, we are capable, but sometimes just assume that people know, and manage to not bother to mention it.

You are probably wondering what I am writing about and believe me.... I think you will be able to figure it out and just might be interested in snow-balling this idea.  It is something that has been lacking lately and needs to make a return.  Regardless of the notion that people are screaming for it in varying levels, but seem to not manage to do all that much about it other than talk about the need for it.  There are some stories that highlight varying scenarios that manage to happen, but in a way that seems a little boastful and not in a way that motivates all to join in.  I guess that is why I haven't bothered making a huge deal about it.  Well, to be totally honest.... my little challenge that happens to not be all that challenging does make its rounds on social media around November, but in a different way.

I guess you are sitting there wondering what I am saying here and I was being obtuse, but now I will try to be a little clearer.  Let me just take a little more of your time and give you the reason why I started this little not-so-difficult-challenge challenge.

Recent events have had people at odds with one another.  A fair number of people are screaming "conspiracy", or a well-placed plan to put focus on all that is bad in life these days.  Shootings getting the headlines while good deeds or a job well done never making it to light.  Protests and riots in the streets with conflicting information to rile people up to crazed proportions. Words like racism, bigotry, and hate being served daily like the special being served to the hungry masses at the local diner.  Sensationalism at its finest diverting attention to the facts that there is more we need to know.  Life as we know it is spiraling out of control....  Heck, it was a line in the movie, "Men in Black".  Maybe this will help....

With all this information out there, people are reacting in a way that just does not make sense.  Tensions are high because the information given in not complete and what is given is causing reactions that are destroying the foundation that people are more than what is on the surface.  Standing and shouting that "love trumps hate", is not going to mean a hill of beans if you cannot support the statement through actions.  That screaming that the foundation of civilization is being crumbled due to the less than stellar missteps of a person in the power seat, have not taken the moment to look deep within themselves to see that we all have our faults, but are capable of being better than our "worst moment" in life.  Heck, to not take the less than stellar moment and highlight the good of others... in others.... in a time where people are blindly stabbing at the clouds in the dark.  Political alliances, beliefs, and level of being rational or reasonable have been set in boxes where friendships are put to the test, families have been torn apart, and life as we know it is being filled with that hate that should be instead filled with love.  I have watched countless friendships crumble under the weight of debate over the current state of affairs.  I have seen families divide over beliefs that should never become a deciding factor if you can be in the same room to share a meal together.  Opinions are just that.... opinions and should not decide if a person that has been good thing in your life to be cut out because their beliefs vary from what you believe.  

We learn that we are all different and being different is okay.  What we tend to forget is that people like to be told how special they are in our lives.  To point out the good over the negative.  To highlight what made the people in our life a part of our lives and to appreciate those reasons.  To spread that love that is supposed to trump hate.  As everyone seems to scream out for actions, it is rare to see it being taken to task.  That is why I am trying to highlight friendships and family on social media.  To show that a simple act like being thankful for these friends and family, to highlight the good qualities and spread the love that I do have.  The response has been positive that people do need to be reminded that we all are special, and to actually put in the effort to show that. I guess the reason for my need to spread more positive vibes around is that I feel we all need to feel a little appreciated from time to time.  I know I would appreciate it.

So, in conclusion, I feel that it was necessary to do some small part to try to trump that hate.  To let people feel a sense of being appreciated for who they are, regardless of the differences we may or may not have.... to let them know that they are loved and not alone.  It may not mean much to some, but it has the potential to mean everything when it comes from the heart. Thanks for reading!!

This is just not fair!!!!!

Life is hard.  I get it.  I believe I have a PhD in dealing with difficult things.  Difficult people seems to be my major case study.  I have tried to reason with difficult people... toxic people.  My level of compassion for other people seems to be what is breaking me down bit by bit.  I used to blog regularly about my thoughts until one day I was badgered to giving it up.  It is a battle inside my head if I should try again to blog my feelings, but when I was verbally attacked relentlessly to stop sharing my thoughts... I actually feel physically ill when I do decide to press the publish button and share to the world.  So, if today's blog does manage to get sent out to share.... it is because I finally found a little courage to do so.

As this is not a recent event, nor is it anyone at fault..... I have been pummeled emotionally to the point that I now have the panic attacks that I thought were under control back with a vengeance.  Between money, family, friends, work, and home..... my heart is actually hurting, and not in a figurative sense.  I had DD drive me to the doctor the other day because I seriously believed I was having a heart attack or stroke.  I couldn't form words as easily.  My legs, ankles and feet have been swollen to the point it feels like my skin is going to rip open.  I was shaking and the pain in my chest was going though to my back.  Breathing was getting really difficult and I was getting a little lightheaded.  With DH on his annual fishing trip, I am left with all the responsibility and very little help.  What DD offered was helpful, but how can I say that I am so broken that I can't even help myself.  This should not be a burden for a teenager that has her life ahead of her to deal with.  I have always been the one to pick up the pieces and go on.  I was the one to fix the problems and I just can't find the strength to fix mine.  So, I can say that this is all my own fault.  Hopefully, people understand.

While I would love to share what has been happening, I just can't.  I cannot handle the micromanaged scrutiny of what I feel because someone would just tell me to walk the hell away from what is not offering me a positive effect in my life.  Makes it really hard to walk away when everyone and everything is hurting me more and more.  Even people who are trying to help.  My blow up at my mom yesterday was proof of that.  I feel awful for snapping at her.  I left work right after doing her hair and took what I hoped was going to be a mental health day, only to be barraged with text messages with what I see are complaints in my eyes.  Every time my phone notified me that I had yet another text message (and some came in groups of 5 to 10 messages), I started to shake and cry.  I asked for peace and was not allowed to have it.  Then, when I did finally cry myself to sleep on my couch.... I got a 3 message blast from my boss and a parting mention that she will be talking to me in the morning and that she was sorry if she woke me up.  Well, that was an understatement because the shaking got even worse and I cried until almost 3:00 this morning, and was startled awake with my cell phone telling me I got another pair of text messages.  Then, I was hit with about 12 messages back to back with a mention that there is more they felt they needed to tell me and as I tried to diffuse the situation going on with me and this person..... I now feel even more guilty for trying to have them wait until they see me later today.

While DH is getting some R & R with his fishing trip..... I am going into work on days that I have off  to accommodate client demands and it is not like I have had a busy week to warrant needing to go in on my days off.  I am behind on my housework and DH will be back in a couple days and I am so overwhelmed that I can't start to make a dent in the housework.  I really did not want to hear DH's disappointment when he gets home to a dirty house and no laundry washed, but it appears that if I can't get a moment to just get my panic attacks under control.... it will happen.  Heck, his stress level was high when he left for his trip and blew up at me the night prior because I was not getting enough things done at the house.

Now, as I look at the clock on my computer.... it is almost time to go in and deal with all the text messages.  My jaw is locking up, my throat is feeling like it is closing off, my shoulders are hurting, and the bile is rising in my stomach to nauseating levels.  Would I like to not just go into work today?  You betcha!  Will I stay home and call in sick?  No.  I have responsibilities that I need to take care of.  I have to take another Xanax to keep what strength I have left to leave the house....

Here's to hoping that if anyone reads this, that they can have a little compassion for those that silently suffer, but fight to keep going.

Rational thoughts.....

Life is filled with choices.  Go left, go right, go forward and go backward.... Heck, we can go sideways as well as go in circles.  It is what we choose to do that becomes a life lesson.  We all take the time to think about our next move in life.  Especially, when that next move is necessary.  Should I stay or should I go is what we see choices as.  Stay the course with a little adjustment or to change the path completely.

Months ago, I was personally attacked for sharing my own thought process through blogging.  Being told that my thoughts could affect the dynamic of family and those closest to me.  What I found interesting is that for years I was told that sharing thoughts is a form of growth.  A humbling experience to share instead of hide behind the smile, but with that ability to take the initiative to figuratively open my mouth and blog my thoughts has managed to create drama where there should not be.  While taking the time to step back from the slings and arrows of harsh opinions, I noticed something very disturbing..... I was allowing someone that appears to have the intent of doing harm to my happiness dictate how I should be living.  I really have no clue why this person has such hatred flowing through their veins, but that hatred and desire to never be challenged almost took away my freedom of expression.  After much thought, I decided that the opinions of one bitter individual should not hamper the ability for me to grow.

I have witnessed on more than a dozen occasions that people are allowing negative thought dictate their happiness.  From one person telling me that she refuses to smile because she thinks her teeth are not pretty enough, to another hiding her confidence under baggy clothes because her body does not look thin like the models on the magazine covers.  Heck, even I allowed someone so bitter and unhappy in their life dictate that I should never share my thoughts through blogging.  That damned microscope of what should be seen as perfect, dictating that people need to hide from living a remotely happy existence.  Finding our own happiness is a journey best taken alone, but better if taken with someone empathetic.  That is why people try so hard to be accepted, but fear dictates our inability to move forward.

I was a semi-regular blogger.  I shared my thoughts because I chose to.  Never once was there any intention to hurt anyone, but there was a person hell-bent on hurting me.  They almost did it, but I decided to take a step back and reevaluate things.  Understanding that when something is shared on this blog, I am sharing openly to the world that chooses to read it.  The operative word here is.... CHOOSE TO.  I have a choice to share and those that read it choose to do so.  They have a right to agree or disagree, they have a choice to relate or not, they have a choice to appreciate feeling not alone or they can critique me, and they can appreciate seeing a different point of view of things or they can sling hate at me for their own gain.  So, after doing some serious soul searching and thinking.... I chose to write again.  No guarantees of what or when I will write, but my promise is to be truthful to who I am and what I am feeling.  If you can relate to it.... great.  If not.... you have every right to not.  What I do ask is to understand that while I try to write my feelings as clearly as I can, to not pick apart and twist things into an ugly light.  If you are to get anything from this blog it is a sense of feeling that you are not alone in this big world out there.

Sadly, my shared thoughts through blogging has created some drama where there should not be.  There are some people that make it their job to dissect, twist, and micromanage others while shining a less than positive light.  Their joy is in the misery of others.  The crushing of someone's happiness is what fuels them to push harder... to attack in such a way that it has potential to hurt a person.  There are no marks on the skin because it is not a physical blow, but one that hurts the spirit of a person.  Destroys their confidence... makes them question everything they want or need to do.  In fact, offers zero guidance in how to move forward, but definitely sets them backwards.  Kind of like telling a person that they are fat and disgusting, thinking it will inspire that person to lose weight, but in all honesty it sets them backwards in the confidence to better themselves.  Creating self hate and a self destructive behavior.  Like telling someone that they cannot love who they are unless they fit in a box that is unattainable.  Sure, we all will try to make ourselves fix in these boxes, but what should be done is to get a different box that better fits who we are instead of what others think we should be.  Sadly, in order to be accepting of others, we need to feel empathy for who we are.  We need to stop setting ourselves up for failure from the start.  We need to love who we are now in order to love who we aim to become, but we also need to be reasonable that not everyone needs to be a carbon copy of who we are.  It all falls in the category of stones being thrown at glass houses and taking the time to really look in the mirror before judging.  If someone feels that they are far too superior for the likes of the masses and feels compelled to judge others.... well.... it definitely sets them up for a very lonely existence.  It is their lack of empathy that makes them bitter and angry at the world.... it is their cross to bear when they need the understanding of another and find out that there is nobody willing to offer their support.  As for me?  I choose to have empathy and understanding.  Am I perfect?  No.  I have flaws... many flaws, but making a rational thought to choose to change the course is what should matter.  Will it be successful?  It could be, but it just might not.  In order to truly know is to at least try and see.  If it doesn't work out, we have other choices we can try.

Just remember.... Failure only happens when we stop trying.  Of course, not everything will be successful in life, either.  Especially, when trying to change something that has an equal or greater force to not change.  I have been barking up that tree for a long time now.  That is when we need to be reasonable in the expectations and do only your best.... one person cannot change the world.  We would love to, but it won't.  It takes working with what you have to carve out your own place and to be rational to those that oppose.  This blog may seem like that figurative one-finger salute to those that want to knock me down, but it is really just me sharing some thought... being true to who I am.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Thinking things through...

I know that I said that I was going to end this blog, but this is something that I needed to think out loud about.....  No need to over-analyze my thoughts on this one.  I am doing a bang-up job all on my own.

Over the past few months, I have felt that I was under attack from all aspects of my life.  While it is painfully obvious that everyone has issues with family, friends, work and whatnot.... I know that my issues are not all that special, nor seem so difficult to overcome in the eyes of others.  With the saying, "it is easier said than done", definitely comes to mind when I am thinking these things through.  Believe me... I have said this to myself numerous times and I still have put up hurdles to overcome just to take that first step.  Big, intimidating hurdles.

I guess I need to tackle these hurdles one by one.....

I believe I have my family issue under control.  I have noticed a calm in that storm, and what a relief that is.  As certain as the sun rises in the East and sets in the West where I am from.... there will always be a potential for more waves and ebbs to come.  That is what life with family is all about.

Knowledge is key when it comes to the change of life.  Menopause is no walk in the park and there is a serious lack of rainbows and unicorns on that path, but being aware definitely makes a difference.  I am not all that certain that what is shared on the internet is all etched in stone fact.  There are so many variances in information that I seem to just take things in stride.  Not all that certain that my stride is all that effective, but I have been doing my best and that should count, right?

Sadly, I have not been as social as I would like.  Most likely because I am a bit afraid of a misstep in that taking things in stride thing I have going on.  I somehow tend to prefer hiding in my house with my Kindle in my hand and a book to read.  I am hoping that since this is the beginning of 2017, I can rectify that in the next few months or so.  At least when the weather is a bit warmer.  Hopefully, not too warm because these hot flashes are just awful.

Now, I need to "think out loud" my current set of hurdles and these seem to be those big, intimidating ones I mentioned earlier.....

To simply state that I am not happy at my place of employment just does not seem to be enough.  While I have been thrown into the most childish of games (intentionally or not), I have lost my desire to stay working at the place I have been at for a little over two years.  I am stressed, frustrated, and saddened that I need to find a new place to work.  I had high hopes that I could call this the one place I could work at until retirement, or until I attain my ultimate goal of having my own little piece of space to call mine and only mine (to rent a salon suite and be my own boss).  In order to reach that level of being my own boss, I need to build a loyal clientele.  In recent events of a cut rate salon opening a mere two blocks from where I work has been a major hit in customer flow.  Especially, when their grand opening special was for haircuts costing $2.99.  In this economic smack-down, $2.99 is more appealing than the amount I charge for my services.  Being roughly 30 years in the business, I worked hard to achieve the level that I am at.  Now, this place has managed to raise their prices to $14.99 over the past few months, but this special was done over the Christmas holiday season and it made a serious dent in my earning potential since I am not paid an hourly wage.  Being strictly commission base paid.... it is quite painful watching your client base go down the street.  Of course, I cannot forget the underhanded acts in my own place of work for these past two years.  At first, I was not under attack in this cutthroat salon.  I understand that there is some level of being cutthroat in a commission salon, but when the cross-hairs were settled on me..... all I can say is that I am too nice for my line of work.  Especially, since the attack these certain people have is well honed in such a way that a nice person, like myself, is conned to believe that things will get better and to just keep trying.

I have seen, with my own eyes, the actions of these people taking and not caring, but having the audacity to accuse me of being a client stealing sack of (expletive).  To hear a change in their welcoming tone and demeanor to something cold and unwelcoming.  To play mind games of guilt to their benefit and have zero regard for people to have a choice.  I have refused to play these games and I allow people to have the freedom to choose, but to witness the backstabbing that happens to others... suddenly happening to me is a painful thing to see.

What makes this worse is the lies to keep people at arms length.  To be the central friend to all in a sea of friend/enemies (fren-emies).  Watching the fren-emies circle each other and play nice on the surface, but secretly be shooting daggers in the other's back is not a healthy environment to be in.  In respect of where this is happening in a professional environment makes it even harder to overcome the toxicity that thrives within.  What is even more sad is the desire to believe in the lies presented, especially when the one lying pulls back and does something nice for you. One nice act should not erase the pain, but I have allowed little tidbits of kindness keep me in a place that is slowly killing the work I love to do and I fear that it is affecting my abilities.

This pseudo-friendship being held together with lies and mind games is what has pushed me to look for a new place to work.  Knowing that I should have done this probably a year ago, I still feel physically sick over this.  And because I waited this long to make a move, I have a serious side order of uncertainty to deal with.  Uncertain that I am making the right choice to where I am going.  I cannot afford to be my own boss in all aspects, but I do handle a lot of things on my own as if I am my own boss.  The uncertainty is from not knowing what I will be facing at my new place of employment.  Sure, people can be nice at the start, but people can also be of a fickle mind.  How do I handle the uncertainty?  I figured that I just have to face it like everyone else does.  Life is not perfect.  All that should be expected of me is to keep my head down and do the best work I can do. learn to gain more knowledge, and remain true to the nice person that I am.

While it is easy to write my thoughts, it is still going to be difficult to overcome those hurdles of not wanting to hurt anyone when I make changes that are necessary for me.  To let go of the pain from things that have happened in the past and look forward with a positive attitude that it will all turn out for the best in the end.  To overcome the nagging doubts in my head is the biggest one that seems to encompass all these feelings that have made me so sad.

I know..... I know.... easier said (or even written) than done.

I guess on a brighter note.... This change is going to be a good thing.  Most of the clients I have called are happy to follow me to the new place I am going to work at, in fact, they are thrilled.  Sadly, I have lost some before I could make the call to notify them of the change.  Hopefully, this new place will bring new opportunities for me.  I have put in one day there to see how it feels and I have to say.... it feels like I am making the right choice.  Everyone there seems really nice and are excited to have me start soon.  It felt like a welcoming hug when I was there and that should be a good sign, right?

Last blog....

It has come to my attention that judgement has been passed yet again.  Sharing MY OWN PERSONAL thoughts is WRONG.  That whatever I write about will get scrutinized to a point that other people that I do not name, nor do I tell anyone anything of importance about is going to be affected.  That my own personal observations are completely incorrect and that I am lying about my own personal feelings.  Heck, what I think about myself or remember in this journey that I call life is hurting everyone in my family and they are not the wiser about it (or so as I have been told).  That there are actual people that will take a thought of one person and twist it into something that it is not.  Or to take a figure of speech so literally that I am so incredibly wrong that I should be drawn and quartered.

As I try to figure out how to cut myself completely out of every avenue of existence via social media, I am also making this very public announcement.........

I AM TERRIBLY SORRY THAT SHARING MY THOUGHTS HAS CREATED SUCH AGONY WITH MY FAMILY, FRIENDS, ACQUAINTANCES, AND COMPLETE STRANGERS.  I APOLOGIZE FOR THE VERY SMALL CHANCE THAT MY THOUGHTS WOULD MAKE ANY OF YOU THINK THAT I AM TARNISHING YOUR REPUTATION, DAMAGING CREDIBILITY, OR SOCIETAL STANDING.  I AM SORRY IF THERE ARE OTHERS IN THIS WORLD WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO THAN CREATE A CONNECT THE DOTS STORY FROM THE THOUGHTS THAT I CHOSE TO SHARE.  I AM SORRY THAT I AM NOT ONE THAT BELIEVES IN CREATING A PERFECT PICTURE THAT PEOPLE WOULD BELIEVE THAT I AM SO INCREDIBLE THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE IS A FAIRY-TALE.  I AM SORRY THAT FREE THOUGHT CAME WITH SUCH REPERCUSSIONS TO ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH ME, OR EVEN MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME FROM AFAR.  I WILL FOREVER BE IN YOUR DEBT IF I CAN BE FORGIVEN AND WHEN YOU HAVE THE COMPULSION TO KNOW HOW I AM FEELING TO JUST NOT BOTHER ASKING ME.  WHO KNOWS.... I MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE A THOUGHT THAT WILL SOMEHOW DESTROY SOMEONE ELSE'S FUTURE, REGARDLESS IF IT HAD ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM BECAUSE..... YOU KNOW..... THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT MAKE IT THEIR LIFE'S AMBITION TO TWIST WORDS, THOUGHTS, AND ACTIONS IN A WAY TO CREATE A TORRENTIAL SHIT-STORM OF UNNECESSARY DRAMA, FINGER POINTING, AND SHAME-BLAMING.  HOW DARE I TRY TO THINK FOR MYSELF AND ACTUALLY DO THE ONE THING I WAS TAUGHT AS A CHILD.... TO SHARE.  I GUESS THERE IS A LIMIT TO WHAT I AM ALLOWED TO SHARE AND TO WHOM I SHARE WITH.  I AM NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FREE THOUGHT, NOR AM I ALLOWED TO EVEN BE UNDERSTOOD THROUGH ASKING FURTHER CLARIFICATION.  JUST GO AHEAD AND BLAME ME BECAUSE, HEY, I AM THE PERFECT PERSON TO BLAME.

Once I give this post a little time to be seen, I am going to delete my blog account.  I am in the process of trying to delete my social media account so these people that claim to be so affected by my thoughts that had nothing to do with them and those that feel it is their job in life to pass judgement on me personally, won't feel the sting of just being blocked from my social media account by "unfriending" them.  I have decided to just stop being on that social site at all.  Sadly, my friends that supported me through my journey will be cut off in the process.  Sorry, I just don't have it in me to hen-peck who my friends are anymore and I really do not want another phone call, asking me why they were "unfriended" from my Facebook account, so I am just ripping off the whole bandage.  Take it personally or not, it is what I have to do.

Farewell readers of my blog.