SNAP!!!

Well hello there, fair weather friends....  Guess what?  THE BITCH IS BACK!!

Yep, the last nerve have been toyed with and a much needed release is about to commence.....

Let me take you on the nickel tour of the crazy bus that I have been riding.....

Over the past three years or so, I have been living with the blinders on.  I actually believed that people actually care about my random ramblings about the imperfect phases of my life.  I actually reopened the scar from years of my past, tried to fix what is considered "less than perfect" about myself, hope that getting out my controlled release of stress by sharing can ease the pain, and shouldering the blame for it all.  Even attempt to show that people can relate to who I am and maybe even open their eyes to realizing that they are not alone in this great big world.  Even my feeble attempts to understanding life, pitfalls and all, has offered nothing but to be judged before judging who they see in the mirror.  Yep, I have been the welcome mat for misery.  That kind and caring nature I have is just a weakness that makes me naive to being fooled, used, and walked on.  NO MORE, I say!!

Let me give you a little taste of what being honest, caring and trusting has gotten me.....

As I realized that in life, you really do not have that many real friends.  In fact, I can count mine on my hand.  I thought I had more than just a handful of real friends, but I took the time to really look at the caliber of people that I considered worthy of really hearing the truth from my lips and learned very quickly that people are not as they appear to be.  What I mean by "real friends" are people that you can entrust your secrets to and know that you can rely upon them as not just a sounding board, but to be loved and respected for who you are as a person and not by what you have done.  Stupid me to believe the sweetly spoken sewage that has spewed out of the lips of people that I felt that I can trust with secrets that I would never speak of or even write about for the world to see.  I have managed to keep your secrets safe... if they are the truth.  Who knows, it just might be all a lie-filled ploy to gain sympathy or trust from you, but it was raw honesty from me.  My thought process has become tainted. I no longer have belief in what people say anymore.  All of that niceties that have been said to me I see are LIES, LIES, LIES.  I pour out my soul, I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I actually care more than I need to towards every person I considered my friend and all it took is for one friend to use my kindness like a piece of toilet paper to rip off those rose-colored glasses I have been wearing.  As they walk away unscathed and uncaring, I am left to pick up my jaw from the floor reeling from the pain and shock.  If friendships and relationships come with conditions.... I am walking away from now on.  The level of trust and belief in that person is over.  Oh, I can still be a "friend" or even "friendly" after I get hurt, but don't be surprised that I will pick and choose when it is in my best interests to "have your back" or let you "flail in the wind".  I have taken on so much B.S. that there is a nasty taste in my mouth.  When I get fooled once.... shame on you!  For being fooled twice... well, shame on me!!  I just never thought that there would be such a long gap between "foolings".  Oh, who am I kidding!!!  Just lose contact of a person for an extended period of time and learn that people really do not change all that much.

Well, another thing has been learned over the past 3 years....  Honesty is not always the best policy.  Sharing feelings other than happiness is just a one way ticket to "the city of cold shoulders".  Yep, you have heard it here....  Being angry, sad, frustrated, confused, or even feeling alone in need of some attention is no longer acceptable feelings to share.  If you truly care about something... chances are, nobody else cares all that much.  Oh, there are people that will send a kind word, but there is really no interest behind it.  Saying "sorry" really has lost its value these days.  Especially when you hear it all the time.  If someone was really sorry, they should choose to use different words and mean it.  Kind of like hearing someone say they are sorry for hurting you and see them hurt you again at a later date.  Obviously, they were never sorry in the first place.  As for sharing feelings...  Well, I just need to find a better way of "letting loose" in a more selective or direct way.  I just need to hone the ability to share in a way that does not sound like complaining, whining, or pointing the blame.  If I am happy, I am going to say I am happy.  If I am sad, I am gonna say I am sad.  If I am angry... well, I am gonna get that point across a lot quicker.  No more twisting things to make me the "fall guy".  Deep thought is overrated.  All that is left of me is raw emotion.  Take it or leave it people, because who matters will care and to those that don't...won't.