Good afternoon! I think....
My morning was filled with yet more fighting with my computer and learning all this new stuff on my own. While I was reloading my Microsoft Office program (albeit the 2007 edition), I managed to lose my product key. I had the disc, but it was not in the packaging that it came in.... figures. My organizational skills are severely lacking, but I managed to get in touch with Microsoft customer service and had to purchase a new product key. Yep, I had a choice between spending $40 for a new product key or buy the newer 2010 edition for I can only guess somewhere well over the $40 I chose to spend. My house is turned upside down and my usual cleaning routine has increased. Hopefully, DH understands that charge on my credit card. Otherwise, I have managed to reload all the important stuff, but I will have to take my computer back in to the tech department to learn how to downsize the excessive tiles that I have no doubt are clogging my new hard drive. I think that by the end of the week, I will be proficient enough to feel confident with this new setup. In all honesty, I miss my Windows 7, but Windows 8 is pretty cool.
Well, before I finish what I need to do computer-wise and take this machine back to get some much needed help and to figure if I actually did manage to get my virus protection up and running (still a little nervous being online when I am not 100% sure), I figured I would share my "kick in the stomach moment.....
I got a call from DD's school. Whenever I see the school's call numbers on the caller id, I get a little concerned. Not much since I do happen to have a really good kid. It still does concern me when the school calls. Well, this call was from the school social worker/counselor. As this woman proceeded to share with me that DD filled out a questionnaire regarding depression and suicidal tendencies, I learned that she is rating quite high on their scale for being depressed. In fact, she has thought about suicide, as I was told. I felt the air leave my lungs and the room started spinning when I heard that. I have been aware that my daughter is going through some new experiences and is obviously going through the usual preteen angst (getting good grades, the insatiable desire for more friends, getting a new boyfriend - yikes- and the hidden truth of hormonal imbalances). This is the first year in a new school, new faces, different expectations, and all that other stuff I know I went through at her age. The only difference is that I have managed a good rapport with her and she is feeling very confident with sharing everything with me. I am aware of what she is going through, but hearing it from a school social worker was a bit unsettling to me, to say the least. It was the suicide comment that has me in a tailspin of concern. My watchful eye is now on an ever higher alert.
After a nice long talk with this woman and the sharing of how my daughter thinks of me, I felt assured that I am doing the right thing when it comes to our mother/daughter relationship. I am doing all the right things, but was asked if I could take my daughter to a counseling for her issues. Believe me, I would love to do that, but to inform DH these concerns I already know what his answer will be......
"Jeeze Nanc! This is all in her head and you probably put it there. We just do not have the money to get a shrink involved to mess her up even more. She needs to stop thinking like that and get over it."
Yep, that is DH's solution to everything.... get over it and stop making this into something it isn't. His ability to be compassionate for others feelings is quite non-existent. Big, tough DH looks at DD and I as weaklings that cannot fix our own problems. I can only guess that it is a testosterone trait... the lack of compassion. In all honesty, it would be nice to see this man show some compassion. It really does not revoke his man-card if he did. All I know is that I have to share this information with him and see if he is willing to work with me on helping DD. While I know I am perfectly capable of helping her on my own, I want him to take the initiative to man-up and be a supporting father figure for her. I have allowed him to side step the responsibility for far too long. I know that in a roundabout way, it is my fault, but it always baffled me at how a person just flat out refuses to even try regardless of the efforts being done by others. Are people really that daft and lazy? Or am I the lucky one to be married to one of the few, rare cases. I just cannot be the judge of this one. All I can comment on is my thoughts on the subject. I am one that prefers to see it to believe it and what I am seeing is telling me that he has no interest in stepping up and being a more intricate part of this family besides being the breadwinner and executive decision maker when it comes to money. Heck, the decision maker when it comes to money is because I forced his hand to take the big boy pill and take over paying the bills when he refused to inform me of his pay cut 4-years ago and his relaxed attitude about it.
I know that I have been doing the right thing with talking to DD about her concerns. Reassuring her that I can take whatever she tells me as long as she is honest about it. I do not tolerate lying really well, so tell me the truth up front. Finding out the truth after the lie is more hurtful than offering the truth upfront. The initial anger subsides far faster when honesty is the focus. Lying makes the anger last far longer than necessary. What I am concerned about is getting her to always be open and honest with me. I should not drag things out of her or force her to talk when she is not wanting to. I was her age once and believe me..... there are just some things you would rather talk about with anyone else, but your mother. Especially when it is about your mother. Well, that and how can I solve all her concerns when I cannot solve my own? I know I have a firm grasp on what I need to do, but I still have concerns about following through.... especially when my concerns fall on deaf ears. They have been ignored for far too long and there is really no solution. I just adapted to conformity and have not worked all the potential kinks out of that theory.
Oh, good lord!! I hope I can help her and myself. Heck, I pray that DH can finally see the pain and be willing to do what he can to help. Life offers no guarantees, but I will keep trying. I am looking into counseling for DD through the school and I have looked into counseling from an outside source. I need to get all my ducks in a row before I make the presentation to DH and get his approval for a course of action that is beyond my abilities. Sadly, it will probably cost us money he does not want to part with, but will part with it because it is necessary. I will just get the blame for it anyway. I am used to it..... Thanks for reading and have a great day!
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