Odd observations....

Just a few observations popped into my head today.....

"No matter how hard we try.... we do become our parents."

Yep.  I have become my mother!  Do I have a problem with it?  No, but my inner child wants to kick my butt for letting it happen ;)

"The person we choose to marry has at least one prominent trait of our parents."

Girls do marry a man like their father.  Not necessarily the best trait of dad is chosen, but there is a major similarity.  Boys do marry their mother and not necessarily the best trait of hers, either.  I guess that is why in-laws never like you as much as your own parents ;)

"No matter how much you love the cute little annoyance your 'other half' was doing while dating, will become the thorn in your side once you are married."

Face it folks....  Only one person changes after saying "I do".  Chances are, that it is not them that is going to change.  Sometimes you even get new annoyances to deal with.  If you cannot convince them to change in the first 5 years of marriage...  Suck it up and deal with it...

Just figured to share those little tidbits of what is bouncing around in my mind today.

Thanks for stopping by and reading :)

June Cleaver? Harriet Nelson?... HA!

Greetings and Salutations!

Sorry it has been a few days since my last blog.  Somehow, writer's block is the culprit.  I have opened the floodgates to what is going on in my mind when I started blogging.  It is just so hard to figure which idea, thought process or experience is blog worthy on any given day when I appear to have way too much going on, yet have nothing really special happening.  I mean... What thrill can I create out of being a housewife and mother that tries to avoid drama at all costs that is worthy of a decent read?  My goodness!!  I believe I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome because I feel trapped mentally and physically in my own body because of my desire to conform to what is considered less than a conventional or even revered concept of what married life should be.  Darn television and the lies they spew to our youth that marriage is such a happy institution!!

Did the Cleaver family in Leave it to Beaver really have things that sugary sweet?  That June Cleaver can manage a home and still look just so happy through it all with every hair in place?  That the kids are so courteous that even the most simple of "infractions" in behavior is easily fixed by just talking about it like a moral of a story?  That fighting was not really fighting because there was always talk and reasoning?  How about the fact that the family has dinner at the same time with Dad actually coming home right after work to see a calm and reserved family with a meal on the table?  HA!  Live a day in the life of mine and you see everything... and I mean everything being the total opposite.  There are no family dinners at the same time every night, DH comes home when he feels like it, DD has the inability to listen to reason, and no matter how hard I try... I just can't get my house spotless when I live with two others that are incapable of picking up after themselves.  I look haggard at the end of the day and practically on the verge of a nervous breakdown waiting to be assured that DH made it home safely at night.  This is definitely not the lifestyle I thought I was getting out of saying "I do" almost 13 years ago.  Fighting for what I believe is right ends up becoming a bloodbath of vicious words, sleepless nights, and no resolutions.  Fighting is never fair and just like it is portrayed on TV here.

Now, I know that what is on television is just the concept from a group of writers and the family members are just a group of actors reading their lines, but it does give hope that there should be a bit of truth to what really is expected in a marriage.  My gosh!  Even cynical shows like Roseanne, and Married with Children have less realistic qualities compared to what I have signed up for.  I just wonder why that it is the way it is in my little world.  Oh, that's right.....  The only way for change to happen is if there is desire to change.  Sadly, I have been making all the changes and there is zero desire to change by the ones closest to me.  Marriage is made up of two people... not one.  If one decides to change for the greater good, one would assume that the other would at least do the same.  To become the Ying to the others Yang; to become the balance in creating a cohesive team that supports and balances the other.  Nope.  Not in my lifetime will I ever see that happen.  I married a stubborn man and gave birth to an even more stubborn child.  Both have blinders on when it comes to my desperate attempts to be remotely even close to a functional family; to even have an inkling of similarity to what the Cleaver family or even Nelson family of the TV era was.  I guess that the only family lifestyle I should be accustomed to is the TV reality family of Meet the Osbornes, but with less swearing and one (actually two) less sibling(s).  DH can be Ozzy, I can be Sharon and DD can be Kelly.  We just lack the mansion, the maid service, the fame and the fortune.

I just have to embrace that this is all I am getting because I am tired of trying.  I decided long ago that I was going to get married only once.  No matter how hard it is, no matter how frustrating it becomes, no matter how spirit breaking it can become....  I will always try to hold on.  If it is to ever end... I guarantee you all.... I would not get married again because chances are.... If I was to have known then what I know now....  Saying "I do" would not have happened.  Sad but true.  Marriage changes people and not always in the best way either.  Do I regret getting married?  No.  If I didn't get married, I would not have learned what I have and I would not have been blessed to have a child or even gotten the opportunity to experience unconditional love that I have for my daughter.  Some things need to be experienced in order to learn from them.

Work...

Good Morning Friends!!

It is Monday and I am thrilled!!  Why do you ask?  Well, it brings me one day closer to something that I have been trying to achieve since last fall.....  Finding a "second job".  Being a full time mother and homemaker, I do have one part time job and that is being a hairdresser.  Believe me, I am quite happy with what I have been doing with those 2 jobs, but I don't get paid to take care of the house and DD, and my part time hairdresser job is more of a pleasure than a job that can create a feast or famine of a paycheck.  Money has been tight everywhere and jobs are scarce.  Now, I could have easily taken on more hours at my hairdresser job, but in order to make somewhat of a decent paycheck, you need to work what is considered nights (which is working after 5pm when people get off from their work), and having a child makes it really hard to be in 2 places at once, so to speak.  Well, I do have to admit that she is getting older and she does need some independence, but I feel that she is too young to be home alone for long periods of time.  That, and there are opportunities that would put me in a tight spot if I happen to have a busy day and a sick child at the same time.  One would have to suffer without me and I really do not like turning my back on either.  While being a mother first is my top priority, I do have a responsibility for my clients and people are "flighty" during these tough times and if I turn my back on them...  They will go elsewhere.  Darn hard work ethic I have!!! ;)

My options are simple, but achieving any sense of the intended goal of finding a job that does not make a substantial affect if I am needed to be home is a lot harder than it is.  I need to find something that is part time and seasonal that co-insides with DD's school calendar and hours that she is there.  And that has enough people doing the same hourly-paying work that can fill in for me if I am needed at home due to illness.   Now, I am not implying that DH is incapable of stepping up his game to help on the home front, but his track record shows that he is less than willing to do anything extra at home because as I stated earlier...  I am the homemaker, the caregiver... the mom.  Even if sometimes I do not feel as if I am respected or revered as one...  It has been my job and I have done this alone for the past 11 years and never even asked for help.  I just keep thinking that you cannot teach an old dog new tricks and that change is only possible if there is a desire to change....  Both are not DH's strong points... enough said.

Now, I have been trying since this past fall to get a job at the local schools.... Elementary, middle, and high schools have basically the same calendar and I would be off when DD is off... including summer.  Now, how ideal is that?!?!  The concept is to get a job there, but after numerous attempts... I was never even called for an interview after sending in my resume' so much that if it was a book, it would be considered to have enough "sales" to be a best seller.  But alas, it is not a book and it was never published for sale.  I have kept up with my determination to get my foot at least in the door to get an interview to do anything.... and I mean anything in the local schools.  You see, schools prefer to hire from within when it comes to available jobs that do not require a specific college degree.  You can call them lame jobs, but they are jobs that have potential for growth.  Not real sure if there is a high demand to be a hall monitor as a step up, but it is a step in a direction. For me... it is a step in the door.

Well, after trying and trying that resulted in no calls for an interview, I was about ready to chalk this recent attempt for a part time hall monitor job at a local high school as a lost cause.  To my surprise, I received a call for an interview.  Tomorrow is the day and I am just so thrilled that I can at least get an interview, I feel as if I broke down the wall that divides the "hire from within" and "hiring outside the building" just enough to get my toe over the threshold.  Now, all I can do is hope that I wow them at the interview to consider me for the job and possibly get hired.  I have gathered my connections that are in the district of the school and I hope their willingness to convince HR to hire me will be the final oomph to get more than my toe over the threshold.  Then I can finally get DH off my hindquarters about finding a job that offers a steady and consistent paycheck to help with the finances.....

Wish me luck friends :)

He said... She said...

Somehow, today's blog is a mix of "he said, she said" and the Hatfield vs McCoy debate.  Chances are, you have heard the story about two families fighting over who basically is right and who is wrong or who is better than the other.  I just found it so interesting how that well known battle of those two families can be tweaked into becoming applicable to the battle of the sexes.  Men vs Women.....

I can recall as far back as my childhood the feeling of a serious dividing line between things.  You can say it is like playing a game that has only two teams.  Boys and girls have always been different.  Not just physically, but mentally.  What one sees as nothing serious of an infraction can be seen as something totally criminal by the other.  It is the battle of whits that sucks people into having what I call the Rationality Blindness Factor.  That being blind to rationality is a person's ability to see things as only how they can see it and refuses to consider any other possible scenario.  A majority of battles between men and women is basically summed up to relating.  You see, men (or boys if you choose) happen to have a very different outlook on things compared to women (or girls).  Men live in the moment, their demands are quite simple.  It is divided up into three categories.....  Food, drink, or (in the nicest way possible to say this) physical pleasure.  Deep thought about feelings are really not a prevalent thing in their DNA.  Women, on the other hand, are emotional creatures.  We are more in tune with deeper connections and feelings.  Women strive on complexities.  We are inquisitive creatures, but very hard to figure out.  Once you do find your match, it is quite easy to see that communication gets even more complex.

As I stated before.  Men strive on the basics.  They do not read minds, they do not communicate really well about feelings, they see things as they are with zero interest in wanting to know more.  I guess the best way to phrase it is....  "It is what it is.  What I see is what I see.  If I don't see a problem with it, neither should you.  Work is stressful enough, so why stress over trivial crap when it is time for fun."

Women, as stated before are ones to dig deeper into situations and tend to react to things that men can't see.  It can be about any action, reaction, inaction, or even word or phrase used that can send a woman into a complete tirade of frustration and aggravation.  Sadly men lack the ability to smooth over a problem when the request was placed in their lap.  It can take something as simple as listening to why what they did was so wrong, understanding the other's point of view, and maybe apologizing for the infraction.  The sad part of this is there are ones that decide in order to avoid the confrontation, they will apologize with promises to never do it again and somehow manage to repeat the unacceptable act again and again.  In fact, I know of one person that can walk in the door, knowing that he is in trouble and apologize right away without wanting to hear why his actions are unacceptable for the umpteenth time.  Men do listen, but they do have a choice to not follow through with promises.  Well, that and the ability to keep those damn blinders on when it comes to seeing another's point of view.  I will admit that women have that same option.

Here is a simple he said, she said argument to really drive this concept home.....

A man and a woman are out on a date.  The man somehow got ahead of the woman and proceeded to walk through the door without holding it open for his date.  His date, being roughly a dozen steps behind manages to catch up with her date to have the door slam shut in front of her.  The woman, knowing that this is rude behavior towards her, she decides to share her feelings about that situation.  He could have easily waited for her to catch up and hold the door for her, but did not want to wait.  His defense.....  "Well, if you were behind me, I would have held the door for you, but I am not a doorman to hold that door until you finally get there.  I do not see it as being such a big deal.  You are capable of opening the door yourself."  Her defense...  "You knew I was behind you, but you did not even look for me.  You walked in the door and left be behind.  That is just rude behavior to me and I did not appreciate it.  I would like an apology from you for being inconsiderate of me because my feelings were hurt."  Yet again, the man does not listen and repeats his defense that she needed to keep up with him.  If not... it is a free world and she can open the door herself.  

Men see things as if it his buddy hanging out with him.  If his buddy does not get bent over holding the door for them... well, neither should she.  Bad thought process when you are in a relationship, but that is what men see relationships are.  The only real difference men will tell you about their relationships and friendships is that relationships are friendships with "benefits".

Now, if only women can see their relationships as platonic friendships where feelings are not a real factor, but have "benefits", so to speak....  Men would have less infractions because she would not care so much.  Oh, what am I thinking!!!  We never even crossed the threshold of how words can have a multitude of meanings.  I guess I can save that for another time :)

Have a great day everyone!!

Where do I belong.....

Freudian slips happen.  Realizing that the news media has a real challenge on their hands with the recent event of announcing to the world that Osama bin Laden, the top terrorist in a chain of who knows how many, has died and Obama, our current president's last name in the same sentence.  Just one little letter can cause for mistakes-a-plenty.  Pretty impressive that there have not been any mishaps while I have been watching the news, but the times I have watched Jon Stewart on Comedy Central, he has had a few.  Most likely on purpose for the sake of a good laugh as he puts yet again another quarter in the "Obama/Osama slip up jar"  Just yesterday, he did that and my daughter and I realized an odd similarity of more than just that in our president's full name....  Hmmm...  Barack (no terrorist name there) Hussein (Hmmm...  the last name of another terrorist Saddam Hussein similarity) Obama (Freudian slip to the first name of Osama bin Laden)....  2 out of 3 tied to infamous terrorists names via either exact spelling or just one letter off.  Not stating that our president is in any way a terrorist, but it definitely makes a person go Hmmm, ya think?  Okay... too much time on our hands yesterday to figure that one out.

WOW, before I go completely off track here, I need to change gears.....

Just recently, I heard of a Freudian slip of sorts in my home.  Maybe it is because I have been stung too many times with always losing the game of compromise with DH that I noticed it so easily, but DH did one that hurts my feelings and makes me wonder....  Where do I belong.  Yep, that stupid game of "I win, you lose" has gotten hold of me in a way that I still hold some bitterness under my skin to even mention it yet again on this blog.  I am trying to chalk this up as a Freudian slip, but with this bitterness boiling just under the surface from other small and trivial events it makes me wonder.  Well, just the other night, there was a little discussion that DH had with DD while I was in ear shot of the conversation.  Not to get into all the details, but I was asked a question by DH about DD and gave him the answer.  As DH explains the events leading to asking me the question, he does not say to her that he asked "your mom" or "mom"....  He tells her he asked "Nancy"....  WHAT!?!?!  I would have figured DH would have used the name DD calls me and not my actual first name in his statement since my daughter does not call me by my first name.  But alas, there it was....    Next thing I realized is that I felt the stab of being referred to as an outsider.  I am not "mom" in this house?  I guess I am not "mom" to our daughter either.  Nope, I am Nancy....  The cook, maid, chauffeur, the caregiver and the excuse that money is tight.  I am the "hired help" that does not get paid for all that I do for this family.  Nice, huh?  Now, I could be wrong, but it felt like it was not a Freudian slip, but an honest action to what he thinks about me.

Being the non-confrontational person that I am in my home when it comes to DH, I said nothing and I will still say nothing to him about this.  I realized that in that simple little Freudian Slip of sorts, this just might not be a slip at all.  I know if I was to ask him directly about this, it could start yet another round of that stupid game where I am always on the losing end of it.

After all of this...  I will now continue to wonder where I belong in my own family.  Mother's day is just around the corner.  I wonder if anything special is going to happen for me.  I won't hold my breath, though.  HA!  Who knows, I might get a pay raise for all the work I do here since I must be the hired help.  What is the amount percentage I could be getting for over 11 years of service when my hourly wage is zero?  Well, beggars can't be choosers....  I do get health benefits ;)

Trying to make it stop.....

Ever fought a losing battle of the minds with another person?  Determination is what sets the fighters from the ones who accept.  Well, that and deciding what is worth fighting for never hurts.  Life is about learning.  Graduating from High School or even College is not the end of the educational journey we take in life.  What we happen to learn beyond what we can read is through experiences.  People play a pivotal role in this because we react to things differently and we all have our reasons for doing that.  While refusing to drag anyone through the wide, wide world of the internet, I am going to try my hardest to explain why I feel it has come to the time that I just have to embrace that change in another is never going to happen unless they choose to change....  You know, stop trying to be heard with concerns and beliefs to another if they are not willing to even consider what I have to say.

Now, I have a couple of generalized examples of what I am talking about.  Nope, no names are being placed to these stories because that is what being generalized is all about.  Both stories have one common factor...  They are about people trying to help another person see the destructive or unacceptable behavior they are doing and failing miserably because what is said is not accepted or even considered....

Example #1.  You know someone that has hit what they think is the lowest point in their life.  It can be about anything, but they are sharing with you their thoughts and it sounds like a scream for help.  You try to help, but they refuse to even hear you and even fight you to stop from even trying to make them change their thought process.  Every attempt you make falls on deaf ears and you can see that they have made up their mind no matter how much you push them to stop having such a dismal attitude.  In the core of your being, you cannot stop fighting for this person even though they stopped fighting for themselves.

Example #2.  A person you know has a complete lack of regard for the feelings of the people around them and continues to live like it is one huge party.  Oh, they share with you their concerns that they cannot say no to a good time even though there are responsibilities that need to be tended to.  They claim they want to stop, but feel too weak to stop on their own.  They even know the pain that it is causing because what is to be considered an occasional thing becomes a daily event and the actions of those around them changes.  What even becomes a bigger concern is that there are others that refuse to see the potential damage and become ignorant to realizing that their actions is just adding to the problem when they "join the party".

Do you see a common thread in these two examples?  It is one person being more than willing to help the other see the devastation coming and is trying feverishly to change the thought process to create a better situation for them.  All it takes is the willingness to listen and the desire to change the path.  If one person is willing and the other is not...  this becomes a battle of the minds that will never have a solution.

I just wonder how a person can stop trying to help another and watch fate take its awful turn for the worse because you know you can't win?  Could a person accept another's suicide after giving up fighting for them to regain the desire to live?  Can a partner/friend sit back and watch a person destroy themselves with alcohol abuse, knowing that the flagrant actions are hurting more people than just themselves?  Is ignorance really bliss?  Or is fighting for another until the end the only way to soften the blow when the inevitable is bound to happen?  Seeing or even feeling pain and strife from effort is something I am not sure I am strong enough to endure much longer, but knowing that I truly believe in another with faith and hope that things will change is the only thing not stopping me from trying.

I guess the question of the day is...  Keep fighting or giving up is a difficult choice to make, but once you do decide....  Are you willing to accept the results?

Sad side of the suburbs....

Hi-ho folks!  This past weekend was filled with an over sized to-do list and really limited time to accomplish it all.  Before I begin with what this blog is all about... I would like to give a little Cliffs Notes recap of the highlights....

Work at the salon had a little surprise that I was not expecting...  The atmosphere has really changed and everyone still working there is more than helpful to each other.  In fact, one of the busiest stylists handed me a few clients of hers to fill in my day and even help me hone in my selling abilities.  Everyone was in good spirits and there was a very cohesive teamwork-like atmosphere.  It was a drama free day... Yippee!!!

Going out Saturday night with my best friend to help her get her mind off the drama that is making her sick to her stomach was a complete success!  She did have a great time, as well as I did, and managed to even make a few new friends in the process.  I am not much of a roadie and I rarely go see bands play, but I managed to see the fun in going to see live entertainment.  I even honed in my skills of being a "people watcher" and basically nailed the knowing what a person is trying to get out of the evening.  Well, it was quite easy when the actions are so obvious.  To the guy that felt that wearing a T-shirt that says, "soft core porn with hard core values"... well, you made it quite obvious that you were trolling for a "good time" with anything with a pulse.  Had a few really good laughs about that one.  It was one of those... "You had to be there to appreciate it" moments.

Sunday was slightly painful.  Saturday nights beers did a number on me and felt just yucky.  Nope, no hangover.  I did not drink to the point of stupid, but to the point of becoming a stand up comedian.  Trying to be on my "A-game" for the family was tough, but I managed since I rarely slept because of the nasty back spasm that decided to hit an hour after hitting my bed.  I was up before the family and had breakfast made for them.

Monday was the day that I was dreading.  JURY DUTY day.  I know that it is my civic duty to do this, but I really have zero patience for sitting in a room jammed with people I do not know, waiting to see if there is a trial needing jurors and going through the whole selection process all for the low, low earnings of $17.50 for the day.  The chairs are uncomfortable, it is quite boring to be sitting there, and knowing it cost me more to get to the courthouse than it is for that lousy $17.50 just sets me into a bad mood.  The jury waiting area should feel less like prison, but it doesn't.  Luckily, there was no cases needing a jury so we were all given our checks and sent on our way.  What a bummer, huh?  After spending 40 minutes driving to this place, being pushed through a metal detector, having my purse x-rayed and watching that video that reminds us that this is our civic duty to get us feeling all important to just be sent home after a few hours should make for a productive day, right?  NOPE!  I am even more behind in my daily duties of housework and running the errands that nobody wants to do in my house.  The only thing I managed to learn from this was how suburban areas have changed, thus finally coming to the title of this blog.....  The sad side of the suburbs.

The courthouse I was sent to was in a suburb of Chicago.  I do recall this area being a really nice area to be in.  I knew of a pair of family friends that as a child, we would call Aunt and Uncle living in this area.  The streets were clean, the houses were well kept, the atmosphere was calm.  In fact, you could say it was a fancy suburb of Chicago at one time.  Now, if you were ever a resident of the state of Illinois, Chicago had the reputation of having less than welcoming people in troublesome groups like the mafia and gangs making the area a dangerous place to live.  Violence was commonplace.  The suburbs was the place to move to in order to avoid the violence.  Families that felt that their children were in danger would move from the city to these suburbs to have a fresh start and a safe place to focus on family.  The sad fact was that moving your child at risk of being in a gang was really just moving the prospect of gangs to the suburbs.  Driving through what was once a really nice suburb of Chicago that was so close that you can see the Chicago skyline in a clear day has become a broken down and dilapidated place about ready for the wrecking ball.  Wrought iron covers all the windows and doors.  Broken glass window panes are framed by rotting wood.  Houses surrounded by patches of dirt, weeds and overgrown landscape have rusted and broken down cars on cement blocks in the driveways.  The people that once enjoyed sitting on their open porches are sitting behind wrought iron fences that bring on the appearance of jail cell bars.  The people that I did manage to see that ventured outside looked haggard and broken.  A total depressing scene.  Knowing that this suburb is just a 40 minute commute by car reminds me that there is some space between my suburb and this one makes me concerned.  Concerned that the spread of destruction is not so far off.  Not trying to be cynical in my thought process, but destruction has a way of moving outward.  Kind-of like a ripple effect a rock does to calm waters.  Makes a person wonder when the devastation would end.  How far does it need to spread before there is change?

I kind of placed this thought of what I was seeing as something that is just not gang related, but a warning of what the economy is doing.  Hearing about layoffs, lack of jobs, lack of money, and a depressed mood can show in more than what you wear and the look on your face.  Fear and mistrust in our fellow man is like a cancer that is impossible to treat.  Giving the hand out to those in need is just creating a larger need and no solution.  Offering a hand up by opportunities is the way to go, but how can that happen when the fear of losing everything is so great?  Greed and fear flows in each and every one of us.  Greed to survive comfortably and fear that it will be taken away so easily.  Patience and persistence is needed to just get by, but it is wearing thin.  People are reactive beings.  We have emotions and feelings, but we are primal beings.  Fight for survival is in our blood.  Sadly, it can be hurtful and devastating.  We try to adapt, but there are some that act in ways bordering on criminal.  Seeing that while driving down those streets reminds me that we are never really in the days of feeling completely safe.  Pride is crumbling like those houses I saw in that once real nice neighborhood.  One can only hope that things turn around real soon.