Everything is in place and dinner is almost done.
I sure hope that he likes what I made for dinner.
The child is at a friend's house for the next two hours.
It will be just him and I... alone.
One last look in the full length mirror. Makeup done, dressed in something less frumpy, new hairstyle freshly re-coiffed.
I sure hope he likes my hair.
Check the clock.
He should be home any minute.
Anticipation builds.....
A familiar sound makes its way through the open windows. It is a beautiful evening as fresh air gently blows. Clear skies, the sun is settling for the day, and the humidity is fairly low.
Great hair weather.
The door opens and a familiar voice fills the dim.
"Hello everybody! I am home!"
"Hello, dear. How was your day?"
"Good, Crazy busy, but good. What is for dinner?"
"I figured I would make tacos. I am almost done. It should not take long. Why not kick back and relax for a bit."
"Tacos... my favorite! Okay. Where is the remote? Oh, never mind... I found it. Where is everyone?"
"It is just you and I for dinner tonight."
"Oh..."
"I figured that we should have a little alone time.... quality time."
"Oh."
The TV turns on. He finds his favorite channel and one of his favorite shows in on. I know it is a rerun. I can almost recite every line. Sheesh! How predictable! I roll my eyes. I sure hope that he looks up at least once in my direction. With the way I look.... I could not be any more obvious that I need him to pay a little attention to me.
"Dinner is ready. Want to have me make a plate for you?"
"Nah. I can get it myself."
"Okay. Help yourself. You want to eat in the dining room with me?
"Nah. I just want to watch some TV, eat some dinner and relax."
"Oh, okay." I frown. "Is it okay that I join you?"
"Sure." He walks in and looks at me. "Is that a new outfit?"
"No. Just a new top. Got it on sale when I was out running an errand. We were out of fabric softener and saw it. I figured that $5 was a deal. I hope you don't mind. I also stopped at my work and got my hair done. What do you think?
(silence) -- (sigh of frustration)
"Did I do something wrong?"
(glaring, eyes close tight, and another sigh of frustration)
A knot forms in my stomach. Bracing myself for the worst. I splurged on myself. He did not notice the new candle on the table, emitting a clean scent of lilacs. DAMN! I know that my efforts just placed some new, unwanted stress on his shoulders.
"Nancy.... Not to sound like a prick, but we just cannot afford to buy stuff we just happen to want. Heck, I would just love to get all kinds of things for myself, but do you see me buying them?"
"No." Looking down, feeling the sting of his tone. "I'm sorry."
"You seem to forget that my paycheck is gone before I even get it! We have a house filled with crap and we seem to be using only half of it! We cannot live with all of this excess! Do we really need another pot or pan to cook with? We have a cabinet filled with that stuff and yet I see another pan in this house!"
"It is only a shirt..." I say quietly. "More than half of the ones I do own are ruined and I rarely ever buy myself something. I thought $5 was a deal. I guess I am wrong... again."
"Oh stop with the dramatics! I knew you would take this as me being the bad guy!"
I say nothing. Head down. A nauseous feeling takes hold.
"Now you are gonna shut me out, right? I was just saying it like it is, damn it!"
His exasperated sigh is that I will be trapped in a room with silence. Anger in his eyes as he looks at me.
I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight, but I decided to speak....
"I just wanted to look nice for you. It seems like you do not look at me like you used to. In fact, you do not look at me really at all. I was hoping that you and I could have some quality time together... That we can have something like a date since it has been years since we have had one. While I know that it is hard to have an actual date when we have a child to consider, I was just hoping that we could reconnect while she is away. Apparently, I was wrong. I am not hungry... I need to take a drive. I will pick up our daughter while I am out. Enjoy your dinner. I know that this is your favorite."
As I grab my purse and keys, he speaks again....
"Thanks for dinner."
I say nothing and walk out the door.
I get into my truck and put the key in the ignition. Letting the engine roar to life, I turn up the stereo and wipe a single tear from my eye. I pull out of the driveway and just drive. Windows open, I head for the highway. I need to drive faster than what the residential streets have for a speed limit. I need for the wind to whip around my hair. I seek the touch of something to calm me down. I don't get touched. Rarely ever a hug from him, just a predictable peck on the lips when he leaves for work or just before he heads off to bed. The words 'I love you' sounding more like a rehearsed expectation. I look at it as a sign that I have not managed to piss him off. I at least get to hear that a few times a day (when he leaves for work, when we end a phone call, and just before he heads off to bed). That should be good enough, right? Married life is not supposed to be roses and romantic gestures, right? This is as good as it is gonna get, Nancy. You are being too demanding! He works all day and really does not want to be bothered with the trivial crap. Maybe his outburst is because he had a frustrating day. He said "busy, crazy busy"... Maybe he will calm down once I return home... doubtful, but a girl can hope, right? I shake my head in defeat. I know what will happen next.... He will act sugary-sweet towards our daughter, but under the surface... he is not. I will get the silent treatment again. I wonder how many days will this infraction cost me? It was just a $5 shirt (and a candle that he failed to notice). Oh Nancy, you silly child!! You are out driving and this truck does not run on air.....it runs on gas and that costs money, too. I am screwed!
Back to the drawing board.... Getting his attention by changing my look FAILED.
(FYI: This is not a recent event. This happened years ago. I have not bought myself another thing without permission.)
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