Locked and loaded, I open my big mouth yet again. Sigh. My resolve is still there, determination to share feelings with DH since I finished my read-a-thon of whirlwind romance. As my head pounds with the echoes of one song... Try by Nelly Furtado, the acoustic tune repeating over and over again. Her haunting, yet sweet voice serenading in my brain. I think I just have to buy the CD or just buy the single for my iPod. Darn Christian Grey saga still rolling around in my head and I wonder where is my real life dark, dangerous, protective and jealous man that willingly takes on changes for love? The desire shining in his eyes just for me? I already know that I never married that type of man. I don't think I could have ever met that kind of man. I knew the moment that I started reading anything with romantic tendencies (no matter how intense they could be portrayed), I would get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, but here I am.... smitten with characters, entranced in words, and allowing myself to yearn for that fairy tale that obviously is never going to happen.
I married my best friend. I sought out and embraced humor over romance. I know why.... I had a long string of bad relationships that were not the right fit for me at the time. After each experience I had, I vowed to seek something different. I dated hopeless romantics when I wanted to feel free and alive, I dated control freaks that smothered me, I dated the jealous type that rarely offered the comfort that they trusted me, and after years of disagreeing with every prospect out there... I settled for what was a match to who I was at that particular moment in my life. I met my equal and agreed to take on a life long commitment. While I have no complaints that marrying your equal that is as comfortable as lounging around in your favorite sweatpants and t-shirt, there does come a time that the desire to change becomes evident. Nothing drastic, just.... more. The need for more depth in the relationship. Kind of like turning up the stereo to fill the silence or to turn on the light as the room starts casting shadows. In old terms... adding another log onto the fire. Not really needing to change the foundation, but to add something more to the surroundings.
What makes it so hard is communicating the needs when the other person is not open to suggestion. What they see is ideal, sometimes is not for the other. The comfort of having someone in your life seems to take over the desire to go anywhere different. While change is good, too much can be scarier than the scariest movie you have ever seen. All I have been seeking is what was there in the early stages. Looking back, I remember the earlier times with DH. While I already know that DH is not the romantic type, it was quite heartwarming to see him try. Watching him struggle with what to do next to keep my attention actually makes me giggle. The saddest part is that it has been far too long since he has tried and the memories are starting to fade. Fade so much that the mention of them is starting to sound more like a made up story. Yes, there is love between DH and I, there is a story that can be told, but there is such a large gap between the memories... no fluidity. I just really want to make things into the more I was hoping for. God knows I have been trying, but as I look back and really search for when his romantic attempts stopped, I realized that the day we got married... things changed. I do not blame him. I blame myself. I became a wife and took that role very seriously. My needs changed and my expectations increased way too soon. After our daughter was born, things changed even more for me. I was no longer a wife... I became a mother. All the while, I resented that DH remained unchanged. His relaxed attitude never faltered, his quest for me ended the day I said, "I do", and his romantic attempts were replaced with responsibility he really was not prepared for. He took on the provider role the only way he knows how. The only way he learned from his family dynamic and how his parents did things. His mother, the housewife and care provider for the family, and his father, the financial provider that worked to support his family. That is the life I took on, mirroring his upbringing.
As I looked upon his parents and how they do things, I noticed that DH does the same. Always keeping an arm's distance apart, the cool demeanor towards each other, the lack of public displays of affection, and the acceptance of it all. They kept everything behind closed doors from their kids. It was a stable environment, but possesses a very sterile appearance. I fear that this is the fate of my marriage. The simple co-habitation that has love under the surface and not seen by others. As I try to bring out the more in our relationship, the more there is resistance. Stupid me, I opened my mouth regarding my concerns to DH and what I got in reply was less than I ever thought. He looked at me and stood by his beliefs that he is not the romantic type... end of story.... shot down without even considering trying or even thinking about it. In stunned silence I can see in his face that I just put him way out of his comfort zone. I have taken into consideration that if I was to make the first move, it may change things. Well, long story short.... That was a complete and utter failure.
Now what... Keep trying like I have for the past 13 years (nearing 14), or just let it drop. I am so tired from trying... so tired. I love him, he loves me (or so he says), but I yearn for more. More reassurance from him that I am all that he will ever need or want in his life, more attention to me than the TV, more need to be around me than having those "few beers" after work every night or the mother-load he takes on every Friday night with his friends, more passion when I get a kiss... heck, even a compliment on my looks would be nice when I dress up.... something!! anything!! Just to have him share his feelings regarding me would be something I would appreciate. The usual feelings offered are the ones that certainly do not offer me a warm and fuzzy feeling, nor do they even include me in the mix. Stupid, stupid me for opening my mouth because I believe I saw him take a few steps backward than forward. I keep reminding myself to "let it go", but if I stop trying... I would never know of they could possibly change someday. Kind-of like the lottery.... "You never know if you can win if you don't try". Just a little saddened that I am starting to believe that things will not change.... I better start getting used to this.....
No comments:
Post a Comment