That first step.....

Have you ever noticed the first step in obtaining a goal is the hardest?  Especially when you already know that obtaining said goal is going to take many more steps to even pass the starting gate?  I happen to have one whopper of a hard time on just one and that is.....  getting back to my pre-marriage weight.

Yep, yep, yep.... I am not alone when it comes to the "freshman fifteen" (or twenty or thirty).  The difference is... being married is nothing like college, but it does ring true.  Here is why....

During what is commonly called the bachelor/bachelorette years, you know, the dating scene is very superficial and when you are single.... you watch your weight with an iron fist.  Always fretting over those stubborn (and sometimes delusional) 10 pounds that we just cannot seem to lose.  Of course, this is mainly a female affliction, but there are some men that see it the same way for them.  Once you are in a committed relationship, you tend to be a little more relaxed about being so critical and some weight will creep on, but not in a way that it gets out of hand.  Heck, a few sit ups and maybe opt for a salad once to twice a week fixes the problem rather quickly.  What I am getting at is the ultimate committed relationship, where you are bound by the ring, the vows and the piece of paper that binds two together until death do you part (or a good divorce lawyer).  That day in, day out commitment for the rest of your life, through sickness and health and blah, blah, blah.  If you haven't figured it out?  It is marriage.

With marriage and all that two people become one in spirit, there is the building of family and a sense of contentment that has that former bachelor/bachelorette completely not paying attention to their weight and general health.  Heck, we can chalk it up to no longer caring about looking our best because we grasped onto that golden ring.  No longer are we to make a show of puffery to get the attention of someone anymore.  That type of commitment already demands and expects attention already in play.  Of course, regardless of the attention (or lack thereof) at home, we just accept what we have and enjoy what life offers.  Especially when it comes to food and those lazy days at home with those you love.

Every once in a while, we get to take a good long look in the mirror and experience the proverbial slap to your confidence that you are no longer that spry little adorable person you once were.  Heck, looking back, I never thought of myself as spry or little.  Even adorable was pushing the envelope, but I digress.  Looking back at old pictures, I apparently lacked any positive thought of myself, but looking at the pictures while glancing back at what I look like now?  I have to say.... I was a lot cuter in my youth... a lot cuter and I want to be that cute again, darn it!!

Since plastic surgery is an expense I cannot afford, nor would I try it since there are quite a few stories of botched surgeries and I am not risky like that, but there is one thing I could become proud of again if I would just take that first (of many) steps to getting back to an attractive body size.  Mind you, not as thin as my thinnest because I did look a little sickly then and childbirth does change your body shape a bit, but just a smaller version of what I am at this very moment would be good.  That sounds like a reasonable change for the better, right?  I have an awesome sense of humor, I am nice, and I hide my gray hairs with a nice shade of brown.  Heck, some people think I look younger than what my age truly is with how menopause is kicking down the door as we speak....  That is definitely saying something, right?

Yep, that love of food and dislike of an exercise regime has caught up with me.... big time.  Those darn yoga pants are just too comfy (and stretchy), as well as my penchant for over-sized shirts that hide the flaws of motherhood.  I completely jumped off the ship when it came to being even somewhat diligent in watching the one thing I always have had control over.... my weight.  Now, I have to swim back to that metaphorical ship and climb back on and I am not all that happy about it.  I wish I was blessed with a good metabolism, but obviously, I was not.  When God handed out our individual qualities, he felt it was best to give me a sense of humor and a dislike of dieting instead.  Oh, and a so-so attitude about exercise.

I know what to do.  I have done this many times over the (cough) years.  I have been successful and there were times.... not so successful, but I know it can be done.  It is just sad that my thoughts turn to saying that the only way I am ever going to get that perfect hourglass shape is when my ashes are placed in a curvy urn.  Simply put.... I have the desire, I just lack the drive.

I have been told that once you take that first step, you will thank yourself for doing so, but I have been in a running pattern hovering just above the ground for so long that I am just not feeling all that grateful.  Actually hitting the ground seems more daunting than the overwhelming feeling before I start doing housework after my family had a weekend to trash the place.  I always manage to find something else to do than what I should be doing.  Call it procrastination, but I call it reverse prioritizing; what should be first on the to-do list of life is pushed to the end.  I know I do it... heck I just owned up to it, but it does not create a solution for it.  I would start a help group for it, but I would find something else to grab my attention.... it is that bad.

Oh well, no time like the present, right?  Or shall I start this journey on Monday like everyone else.....  Sigh.... 

Well, thanks for reading!!  

Lenten Sacrifice....

People sometimes ask about faith and religion.  These questions range from what religious background of which I have been raised to what my thoughts are on faith and religion.  I have a standard explanation to people that I am Catholic.  Not a bible-thumping radical of a person of the Catholic faith, but I am a believer in God.  I usually keep my beliefs and faith to myself.  I try my best to follow the teachings I received when I was a child, and when it comes down to certain practices of my faith, like Lent, I at least try to make an attempt to give something up for the Lenten season.  Sometimes, I choose to take a different route and instead of giving something up... I do something more.

Now, you are probably wondering how a person of such rigid standards can choose between giving something up and giving more.  The answer is quite simple, but at the same time.... not so simple.

The explanation of what the Lenten Sacrifice during the Lenten season has changed over the years, but the meaning behind it remains true.  The story of Lent, as I have been told, is the period of time where Jesus Christ, the only son of God, born from the womb of a virgin (Mary was her name), was publicly punished for teaching the faith and sharing the knowledge that there is truly only one God and not multiple ones.  That miracles happen through believing in God, and his only son was the vessel of proof with examples of healing the sick and parting of seas.  It took some serious showing to prove this, but the non-believers needed more than just words.  They needed to see it in order to consider believing it.  Well, Jesus was publicly punished and killed for his beliefs and teachings.  Tortured really, and with that in mind.... Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice for the transgressions (sins) of man.  The Lenten Sacrifice is based upon giving something up for the greater good in order to understand the sacrifices Jesus made for man, woman, and child.

While this explanation does not make all that much sense because of the miracles and mysteries that happened, but the connection between sacrifice and faith does.  At least to me, but something was missing when I did the usual giving up of something I enjoyed for those 40 days and 40 nights.  This sacrifice was lacking the fundamental teachings of the bible where it is for the greater good of all.  That is where doing more comes to play.  

What I mean by doing more is simply something more helpful.  Regardless that it is on a much smaller scale and not all that Earth-shattering, but even small offerings of more do have the opportunity to snowball into something greater.  I see it as something as a beginning of a pay it forward chain of kindness.  As it has been stated in the bible (generally explained, that is), we, the children of God are to love one another and care for this planet that we live upon.  In fact, if I recall this correctly, the basis of most religious faith is for love and peace with others.  While I see this as something that can be done on a daily basis and not necessarily something only to be done during the Lenten Season, that sacrifice of making time to give a little more can be just as important as taking something away.  This is something that crosses religious lines and is still somewhat something that connects them all.  I guess it is in how people see it.  At least, it is how I happen to see it.

Of course, there will always be argument over religion and its practices.  I have heard some very compelling arguments about these practices being nothing more than man-made rules to follow.  Heck, I remember just the demand of not eating meat on Ash Wednesday and on Fridays during Lent when I was a child, to learn that the rules changed to not eating at all on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday with no meat for the Fridays in between until Easter Sunday.  Sure, there are exceptions when it came to age and health issues that required people to eat for their medications, and that even gives more validity to the man-made rule belief.  Sure, I could just not give something up for the Lenten Season, or I could opt to give more, but where does that remind me that there was sacrifice during this time?  Heck, I think my parents and the parents of parents can attest to the fact that having a child is a serious sacrifice with no time limits.  I should know because I sacrifice every day something for DD, if not just my freedom to do whatever I want (when I want it), it is of money, time, food, and my heart.  Of course, those sacrifices are given willingly and often because of unconditional love.  Isn't that the same as the love God has given us?  DD can clean her room or do the dishes without being asked and that offering of more is just as appreciated as having her sacrifice a little socializing time to do these things.  It is all in how it can be perceived.  And without the big showing of being challenged to the masses with a title of being a religious act.  A good example of this is in the bible under Matthew 6:5 and it says this.....

5"When you pray, you are not to be like the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners so that they may be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full. 6"But you, when you pray, go into your inner room, close your door and pray to your Father who is in secret, and your Father who sees what is done in secret will reward you.…

While this can be seen in various angles and explained various ways.... it is the basis that faith is an individual thing and is not necessary to be thrown about in the faces of others to prove a point.  I guess that is why I really do not shout from the mountaintops (if there were any where I live), what my intentions are for this time of sacrifice and reflection.

Now, if people were to argue by foundation of faith and religion and why I am a believer.... well, I can sum that up in something even easier.....

Faith is blind, but it is a choice.  I do not need science to believe in my faith, nor do I feel it is necessary to use science to try to disprove my beliefs.  I choose to believe in the mystery and the miracles.  No need to change my mind as I have no interest in changing yours, but I will still love you just the same.  Everyone believes in something and this is what I believe.....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

Just a random "Mind-Flush"...

Howdy!  Got some things that I managed to wonder about recently and figured I would share....

Now, I would like to begin with a, "I wonder if I am the only one wondering", kind-of thing...

A recent news report mentioned that a man falsely accused of rape and murder of a minor was released recently.  Yep, the legal system got a little egg on its face when the DNA results exonerated an accused man of something he kept on stating he never did.  Well, after years of being in prison, he is getting released and the mainstream media felt compelled to share not just this story, but his name, just so the public knows that this innocent man has spent years in prison.  While the proof finally did set him free, I wonder.....  Does being incarcerated change a person?  I have no doubt they would change, but there are some curious odds at stake here.  Not all reformed criminals stay reformed for long.  Sure, there are some that really do change for the better, but what about the ones that were innocent to begin with?  Do they change because of the environment they were thrust upon?  Just wondering if this guy is going to stay on the straight and narrow after being falsely accused.  Have you wondered?

Okay, onward to a recent feeling/thought about a current event that happened in my life....

I just recently worked my fingers into a cramped state with making some of the things I turned to as stress-reducing hobbies for a craft fair like event.  I was honored to hear supportive comments that the things I make with my hands are worthy to be sold to the masses and that I should do just that to add yet another layer to helping support my family.  The thing is.... I have to spend money with hopes of making back what I spent when I sell.  I think that is why I was so uncertain I could actually be considered an artisan that can sell what I make.  In all honesty, I see myself more as the starving artist than an artisan.  I have no clue what people like, I have no clue if what I am required to charge is considered fair and reasonable, and if people would actually buy my things, but I took a chance and lost BIG and will most likely lose even bigger when it is all done.  I should have known better than to think that my hobby is worthy of paying for itself.  Especially when the direct competition is discount stores that charge less than what I pay in materials.  I never even factored the hours that I worked at making these things, basically, I priced the things I made for this event I attended at slightly above cost of materials (since I pay taxes on my materials).  Probably, if I priced everything at below what I shelled out to make these things.... I might have sold more than 4 things in three hours.  Of course, either way I look at it.... I would have not broken even, but it hurts all the same.  I banked on at least breaking even at this event, but I obviously didn't.  Sure, I had a lot of people looking at what I have toiled over for weeks, I did no housework and every waking free moment I had consisted of making things to sell for three weeks, solid.

I did share information about the event, I reminded people as often as I could via social media without being annoying, and I even posted pictures of what I have accomplished to at least spark some interest.  Sadly, it did not pan out as planned, but I did offer my most heartfelt thanks for those that came, looked and said "hi".  A few bought something, of which I appreciated more and offered even more thanks.  I really have nothing to complain about.... I just knew that people were not going to be interested.  I took the chance because of the positive feedback.  I know better now.  I just have no clue what to do with all of this stuff I made.  I guess I could just keep it.  DH might not be all that happy about it.  I could use it as gifts and give it away, but doing that would make my chest hurt more than it already does.  In fact, I feel a little sick that I so readily accepted all the compliments and believed that people would actually buy something I made.  Regardless the fact that it all started out as a hobby or a way to diffuse stress.

With all this in mind, I started to wonder if I am actually worthy of much these days.  I am struggling at work with rebuilding a clientele I lost, feeling I am in competition with my coworkers for work.  Well, not in competition with all of my coworkers.  I happen to have one that is quite ruthless and will trample over me to take every opportunity that walks through the door.  Everyone else seems real nice.  I really like the almost drama-free environment that I work in now.  It is the rebuilding of a clientele that is killing me.  I already know that life offers no guarantees and it is going to take hard work (and patience), but it just would be nice if I could see into the future and know for certain that everything will get better.  These past few months are not exactly a fact-filled barometer to even give me a baseline to see where it is going.  With the holiday rush hitting the post-holiday slump, I have no clue if growth is going to happen any time soon.

I am already aware of the value I happen to be at home.  It is not all that high, but at least the tension has diminished.  Any stress at home is of my doing and my problem.  DH has been making some big changes and I am impressed with his resolve in following through.  DD is doing well at school, she made the honor roll (I have the bumper sticker to prove it), but is not all that good at handling the stresses of life in high school.  DH and I are doing our best to help her through this tough transition, but it appears that the ability to mask over unhappy things is a strong trait in this family.  I am aware that DH has some stress to deal with at work, as well as I do, but we still do not communicate about it, nor do we ask for help about it.  We are more focused on DD and helping her out, as it should be.  Of course, avoiding the problems that are swept under the rug or put on the back burner, so to speak, is not exactly fixing the problems and will most likely grow into something that will we will have no clue to what to do about it.  I just hope we can keep it from growing out of hand.  Maybe chisel at it a little at a time to work it out and get a solution.  Not exactly holding my breath for that to come to fruition, but I do happen to hold a little candle of hope it can happen.

Well, with that full box of crafts and bead work still sitting in my car, I have to figure where I can put it all for now, while I figure my next move.  As I mentioned earlier, I did thank everyone that did manage to attend the event, thanked those that bought something, and shared my doubts as simply as I could to if I am willing to take another chance.  Which, by the way... the chances are small.  I cannot afford to do more.  I did get some positive feedback and even some told me to keep trying, but what I experienced last night managed to tell me that what I make is not all that special and nothing in demand.  Could be the current economy and the new household budget that put a kibosh on selling anything more than I did manage to sell last night.  I could try to join the masses that sell their stuff on Etsy, eBay, and the likes, but I just really do not have the time or energy to maintain a website.  Heck, I barely ever manage to keep up with my social page or even this blog.  THAT is definitely saying something.  Well, time to get the day started.  I have housework to do.  Thanks for reading and sorry I was such a "downer".

Why I don't do well selling things I have made.....

Howdy!  Just a quick blog entry about what has been going on over these past few weeks.....

Lets see....  lets start with why today's entry is having this title, shall we?  Great.

I received a call from big brother about an opportunity to sell some of my stress-reducing crafts in beads, or better categorized... bead woven jewelry.  You see, I have these go-to hobbies to keep a level head, and I have had a couple over these past 18 years or so.  It all started with DH's annual "fishing trips".  Really, these fishing trips were just a weekend with the guys to get hammered and not deal with their nagging spouses/girlfriends... not one fish was ever brought home, but they certainly did come home with a sunburn and a raging hangover.  Not all that sure if their livers were thanking them, but they do manage to relax and have some fun.

My first hobby was painting glass.  I went to the local hobby store and got a starter kit with brushes and a few instructional books to learn this craft.  With a fair amount of patience and a lot of swearing, I was able to make some really nice stuff.  I painted on glassware, vases, and even some glass ornaments.  Well, one year, while DD was in preschool, I donated some painted glass for a fundraiser for the school and it snowballed into becoming a participant as a local artist in their fundraiser/craft fair.  Well, let me tell you this.... I was one glass painting maniac for a solid month to get ready for this thing, but I only had a limited number of things to sell and offered to take orders if a person wanted to purchase something I already sold.  BIG MISTAKE on my part because I went home after 3 hours with nothing to take home and at least a dozen orders to fill.  Took me another solid 4 weeks to fill the orders because the glassware I needed was in limited supply.  Once I finished filling those orders... I thought that was it, but NO...  I was asked to do this venue for another 2 years and one open house show for the event planner.  Needless to say.... I was all painted out and decided to take on a different hobby.

That was when I took an interest in beaded jewelry.  It started off simple... just stringing beads on wire.  Expensive, but fun.  After about a year or so of simple stringing, I learned hand-knotting pearls, and then a little wire wrapping.  It was the day I saw some of the most beautiful, detailed works in bead weaving and bead embroidery, that I took my simple, yet expensive hobby to a new level.  I took classes, invested in materials, and found peace in making some really pretty stuff I could wear, and it did not take up as much space as painted glass did.  Of course, with all this knowledge, I became the go-to girl for fixing broken jewelry of friends and co-workers.  I made a little money selling a few things I have made and was told I should join the masses that sell on Etsy or join the craft fair circuit.  I just never thought I had enough for either since everything I have made either became a gift or was bought from me before I could amass enough to do a showing.  Heck, most of what I made I kept for myself.  My mom kept me knee deep in requests for things and she at least supplied me with the materials to make it.  The few things I did make for sale were for a co-worker that loved what I made and wanted it in a certain color, a certain style variation, and did pay me for the work, that is, once I made it to her specifications.  I still have an almost finished pair of earrings made with the smallest seed beads I have worked with (size  15/0, and believe me... these are really small beads... like stringing dust) and had to scrap that pair to start over because the color of the crystal was not deep enough.  I kept those unfinished earrings unfinished as a reminder that I just cannot do special orders for picky people.... I would definitely lose my mind ;)

Well, with that history put out there, I am now faced with the challenge of selling stuff I make.... AGAIN.  Big brother mentioned to a person hosting an upcoming event that I make beaded jewelry and I also paint glass.  Needless to say.... they were interested in having me join this event.  Gotta just love my big brother.  He was looking out for me to find a way to make some money with what I made.  I really do appreciate it, but when I agreed to do this venue... I quickly realized that I did not have enough stuff to actually sell and decided that the next 3 weeks were going to be dedicated to making beaded items (earrings, necklaces, bracelets).  Yep, for 2 solid weeks, I spent all my free time hovered over beads, making stuff to sell, totally forgetting that big brother also mentioned that I will be selling painted glass at this venue, too.  I remembered last night checking out the venue information on Facebook and turned pale at the mention that I will be also selling painted glass.  Yep, not all that confident that I made enough beaded works and found out that I have absolutely NOTHING in painted glass (I sold it or gave it all away years ago).

Racing frantically against the constant ticking of the clock and with less than a week to be prepared....  I went shopping for some glassware and found a few things I never got to painting and started painting it all.  Well, that is, after getting more paint and supplies since DD has misplaced all of my painting supplies.  Once I at least finish what I have planned to make... I have to go through the daunting task of pricing all this stuff to sell and that is where I will second guess myself and probably either sell my soul or sell nothing.  I know what I value what I have made, I know how much I have invested in making these things, but it is the potential buyer that will decide if I am worth the prices I am charging.  Sadly, people are afraid of what I charge for the bead work I do.  I will try to be reasonable about it, but I have heard too many oohs and aahs with the mention of, "that is a little out of my price range for something like this".  The nice person that I am will try to explain the investment and the time to make these things, but how can I compete with discount stores selling plastic knock-offs of what I make?  Oh, and it has been YEARS since I have been selling hand-painted glass and I am not even sure of the price market for that kind of thing.  Yep... feeling a stress headache coming on and worrying about supply, demand, and if it will all sell (or not).

I will say this..... what I will be selling is all that I have and I will not be available for special orders because I am feeling like a factory of one and I am taking a much needed break after this event is over.

Well, time is still ticking and I have less than a week to be ready and I am nowhere near ready.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!