You want me to put my what -- WHERE????

Good afternoon....  blogging bonus today!

After some reading up on improving my back and to keep the potential back spasms at bay, I came to the conclusion that in order to "build a better back", I need to do something different than my usual routine.  After seeing my neighbor out and about, I asked him (since he is a phys ed major, teacher and trainer) what would be a good starting point to increase flexibility and strengthen core muscles.  His answer....  Yoga.  Well, that and light exercises that consist of walking, treading water in a pool, and utilizing a stability ball.  After getting that plethora of information, I figured I would give yoga a try today.  Forgetting to do my morning stretches that the Chiropractor told me to do, I was feeling the muscles in my back getting a bit stiff... so a yoga class should do the trick.

Cringing over a previous experience with yoga that I had, I figured that I should give it another try.  Yep, I am one clumsy chick.  I managed to knock a clock off the wall in a yoga class years ago.  Kind-of disrupted the chi of the class doing that and never considered trying again.  Acting like a tree is not my thing and the instructor allowed "new class members" to utilize the wall to stabilize themselves.  As I thought I had my balance, I went to slide my hand off the wall.  Instead of letting go... I slid my hand upwards and knocked the only clock in the room right off the wall....  Totally embarrassed about that to this day.

I have tried yoga another time and learned rather quickly that you need to drink a lot of water after the class is done....  Splitting headache within seconds was my teacher... OUCH!  But the second place I went to... the class was smaller and I had a handful of options to keep my balance and it went pretty well.  I just had a hard time grasping the whole concept of saying "Namaste" at the end of the class and felt a little weirded out.

Since the place I went to that offered a smaller class and more attention to their students, I felt as if I could really get the hang of it, but time was not on my side and never made it to a second class.  Well, that and the splitting headache was making me think twice about doing it again.  Unfortunately, the beginner class was not happening today and I wanted to start off light.  So my neighbor, the trainer, suggested that I check the local YMCA since they have loads of classes every day and there are beginner classes every day.  After looking up the class schedule, I found one that started at 1:00 in the afternoon (perfect!).  I got dressed in a pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, grabbed a full bottle of water and the yoga mat that I do happen to own (yes, that second place had me convinced that yoga was for me) and headed off to the gym.  Hating to be late, I got there 25 minutes early and decided to take a 15 minute walk on the treadmill to warm up.

I enter the classroom.  People with mats and water bottles are scattered all over the room.  Some were meditating (which felt was odd since this is a beginner class), while others chatted until the instructor entered the room.  As things started, I felt I had a fairly good grasp of things until, that is...  the poses were being explained.  As this instructor reminds us to keep our minds open and to release the stress of the day through breathing, my head could not let go of the grasp of WHAT IN THE HECK SHE WANTS US TO DO.

Bend this way, twist that way, put your foot behind you and twist outward, hands above your head, BREATHE, and if these poses are not producing a comfortable stretch.... you can thread your arm through here, bend that arm around there and get your fingers to touch each other... HUH?  Even on my best day and even in the best shape I have ever been, I could NEVER twist that way!  I thought that this woman is more than double jointed to get into positions like that... she has to be completely BONELESS!  That whole zen feeling I was supposed to get vanished rather quickly.  As I tried these poses that had me practically jam my face into my mat (BTW should have gotten a dousing of Febreeze because rubber and time sitting in the back of my closet by my shoes will make it stink), and reach in directions that I was not sure I could manage to reach...  I felt my muscles stretch, relax and even my spine cracked.  The end result was AWESOME, but the method was absolutely awful.  Still got the splitting headache afterwards (apparently I did not bring enough water to class), but walked out feeling pretty darn good.  Not sure if I did all the poses right since the class was big and I did not see any assistance from the teacher if I did anything wrong, but I did it.

I think I might try that other place I liked and see how that goes.  I gotta give this yoga thing another chance... it might be the thing for me :)

Where did I miss the "bus"?

Kids:  Interesting creatures.  They grow up too fast and change way too quickly.  I could picture it like it was yesterday...  Darling little daughter dressing up like a princess, tromping around in my heels, and demanding to only watch the Disney princess movies (Belle was her favorite, then Cinderella, and then Ariel - in that order).  Barbies, baby dolls and stuffed animals adorned her room.  Pink was her favorite color.  Sweet child, but stubborn beyond her age.  Yep, I had a "girly girl" of a daughter.  She may have a similar face, but she was nothing like me as a child.

Suddenly, that charming little girl started to change.  Those days of dressing up like a princess for Halloween changed in a blink of an eye.  Vampires and ghoulish creatures of the night was what she chose to dress up as.  Why did I not see this coming?  From thinking that makeup was just some lip balm to experimenting with eyeliner and eye shadow.  This kid is changing faster than I thought I was prepared for.

Her interests changed, too.  At first, she feared haunted houses and covered her eyes during a haunted hay ride (of which was so lame, I laughed through it), turned into a sudden interest in ghost hunting shows.  Her interest in pushing the envelope for something scary has gotten quite intense.  During this transition that I was not prepared for, DD has been asking to watch a movie I would never even consider watching....  Paranormal Activity.

You see, I am not one for thriller movies that offer suspense that get your pulse racing.  Believe me, I am fully aware of Freddy Kruger from Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, Friday the 13th and Halloween.  Even The Exorcist has made an impression upon my psyche.  All classic horror films that get people jumping in their seats.  That adrenaline rush of anticipation for something to go awry.  While I have seen a few of these (unwillingly because I am not a fan of thrillers that you watch - I would rather read one than see a director's interpretation with actors doing their best portrayal of the characters), I would figure that there will be a time and place for DD to be exposed to things like this.  I just do not feel that the ripe age of 12 is a good time.

While her persistence should be applauded that she is one to never give up, I just have my doubts that she should watch movies like this just yet.  Being her mother, I know what is best, but I am not sure I can take any more nagging for permission to see it on Netflix.  While I have tired to place the burden upon DH, I know (as well as she knows), that chances of her getting her request permitted would happen after she is the proper age to watch an "R" rated film.  With the violence shown on TV, I have no doubt that this movie would fare much different.  I just wonder if I am being the overbearing mother that smothers my child well into adulthood.  I even tried to make it be mandatory that DH watch this movie with her since I have zero interest in watching it.  While DH taunts DD with poorly acted horror films that mimic the over dramatics like  "Killer Tomatoes from Mars" (or something like that), DD thinks that DH is even scared to see this movie.  I know he is not afraid, in fact, he would probably enjoy it, but his regular TV choices leave little to no room for DD to watch that movie since Netflix is tied in to only one TV and that is the one DH watches when he is home.

As I wonder about my other friends that happen to have some well-adjusted children of their own, I wondered if I am holding her back.  I never had interest in horror films as a child, nor do I have interest in them as an adult so is holding the "parent card" the right thing to do?  Kids will sneak off to watch things that they shouldn't and kids will do things behind their parents back after the answer is "no".  She is nearing that age of secrets and lies.  While I believe I am quite privy to this phase, do I really want to create an atmosphere that makes this phase even more appealing?  I am her mom first, then her friend, but where to draw the line.  I would never offer an "R" rated film to the kids that have slept over at our home, but I just cannot see where a "G" or "PG-13" film can catch the interest of kids these days.  Too much violence on TV as it is, video games becoming more graphic, music tapping into places that should not be tapped into...  Desensitization started after the interest in Sesame Street stopped.  My mind is made up.  I just can't see 12 being the age to get the snot scared out of from a movie that can possibly blur the line between fake and real.  I think it is time to take the wheel on this bus that DD is on and do some serious changes in her path because the upside of letting her watch this movie will only stop her incessant nagging and the downside would be that I would have to fix the damage from fear that I feel that she is not ready for. 

A grain of truth?

Good morning!  It is day 2 of recovery from a nightmare of a back spasm.  The pain medications are fully worn off and still feeling good.  2 nights of restful sleep finally got my focus back and that is something I truly appreciate.  I just never knew that the people around me finally got it that I am breakable.

As you know, Monday in the wee hours of 2:30 in the morning, I finally succumbed to asking for help.  My ability to manage my back issues was no longer valid.  Over 2 hours of agonizing pain pushed me to call 9-1-1 and get help of a medicinal kind that I cannot buy over the counter.  The day that followed was in such a haze, I did not see things change for the better.

After DH brought me back home from the hospital, I did not see the concern on his face.  How determined I was to go back home and do all that I believed was expected of me.  Barely able to hold myself upright without feeling like I was going to fall, I pushed myself out of that hospital, climbed into his truck and with a pale shade of green in my skin from his driving skills mixed in with feeling dizzy and weak from being administered enough pain killers to probably kill a horse.  Being told as he ran back out the door to return to work "to rest", I just could not.  I needed someone there because I was scared.  Feeling like I have lost complete control over everything, I turned to my mom for help.  Just having her there made it easy for me to rest and feel assured that she could wake me up if something did not seem right.  As she sat there, watching TV as I slept on the couch, I knew she was going to say something to DH.  I tried my hardest to remain awake, but could not.  DH came home for lunch and I was unconscious again.  I totally missed his visit and was disappointed that I could not get back to working on my daily expectations to keep the house clean, get the laundry done, and cook dinner.  I wanted to prove to DH that I was fine and nothing can keep me down for very long.  I failed at that on Monday.

After my second of many naps throughout the day, I did talk to my mom.  Nothing really registered regarding her talk with him while I laid there unconscious.  My mom knew that and was banking on it.  Ever the protector she is, I know she has only my best interests in mind.  She is never afraid to speak her mind, either.  The only thing I noticed in my haze of a day was how DH stepped up and helped me.  For years, I have been taking out the garbage the night before pickup.  I have been the one cooking dinner every night AND washing the dishes after everyone was done eating.  Suddenly, in a blink of an eye...  DH took out the garbage, he washed the dishes, and said nothing in that snarky tone about how the house was still a mess.  Yes, being in pain, pacing the house, trying to find relief, kind-of left a huge mess in the house.  While I was determined to still cook dinner, I even got the most heartfelt thanks from him.  All those little annoyances seemed to become non-existent.  We ate dinner as a family, we shared some time together in the same room, and help was offered without being asked.

I learned the following day what my mom and husband talked about.... it was about me.  How I do so much, ask for so little and need a little more appreciation.  Yes, I know I have pushed myself too hard over the years, but things have to get done and there have been no "takers" for those responsibilities.  Feeling a little less thought of has been "the norm" no matter how hard I tried.  I guess all it took was for one scare that I am breakable to make them see it.  Well at least in DH's case.  DD still prefers the easy life where everything seems to be done "magically" for her.  But hearing how DH really caring, being concerned and offering to at least try is more than I could ever dream of.  Not sure how long that will last.  Creatures of habit do return to their routines eventually, but I am going to embrace this with all that I have and appreciate that somewhere deep within DH does really see what I have been trying to show him for so long.  Love is more than just a feeling or a word spoken....  it is by the actions of consideration given willingly towards another... no matter how insignificant they may seem on the surface.  Every little thing does count when you open your eyes.

Thanks for reading...  Have a great day!

Been there... never want to do that again...

Good morning!  With finally a full night's rest and waking up remotely pain free, I am feeling pretty good.  The past few days... well, not so much.  I know that I have back issues.  This started years ago.  I have a few ideas where this issue started, but I still go back to blaming a more recent incident for making my back spasm so much....  Here is the story that I have been sticking to.....

My first recollection of when I injured my back was when I was 16.  I was fighting with a person I was dating and it became violent.  That person wanted my attention regarding his jealous rage and slammed the middle of my back over the top of the car I was driving (my mom's old 1979 Chevy Nova).  There was a raised edge of trim over the door windows that my back managed to hit.  Being lifted by my arms and pushed into the car was not fun, nor appreciated.  I broke up with that guy faster than the fight we had.  I really did not have that many issues following that incident, but injuries like that never are forgotten.

Fast forward to 2007...  After a few rear-end accidents that caused some whiplash, I figured that my back issues would remain random.  After seeing a chiropractor for the last accident, I started to feel more in control of the random (and I mean very random with large gaps of being pain free) spasms.  But in 2007, I started having some issues that created a band of pain so intense that it felt like I was wearing a belt made of fire and spikes which ended up being a gall bladder issue.  Trying my hardest to be active during a vacation to Disney World was hard.  Spending the day feeling fine and writhing in pain every night.  Curiosity got the best of me and saw the doctor.  When I was to go in for yet another test that would rule out gall bladder as the issue, I crumbled to the floor and ended up in the hospital.  Got that test a few days earlier than scheduled and found out that I had sand in my gall bladder.  SAND???  I never knew you can have sand... stones maybe, but not sand.  Well, that is what I had... sand that shifted every time I laid down to sleep to cause the agonizing pain and randomly shifted throughout the day to make me miserable.  Knowing that getting rid of this thing would be the solution and to get back to being "pain free".  I was thrilled!!  After the surgery, I had a solid week of being free from the agonizing band of hellish pain.  I am cured, right?  Nope.

Over the past 5 years (it will be 5 years in May), I have been having issues with my back at a random, but more frequent rate.  Pain in varying places along my spine that radiate to the front of my body.  The most prevalent area of pain is that hellish band of misery that still wakes me in the middle of the night.  Between using ice packs, Tylenol, Advil or Aleve pain relievers with stretches and a well placed heating pad...  I was able to manage okay.  When things got bad I would visit the chiropractor, get adjusted and be fine for a week or so.  I have ended up in the emergency room a few times over the course of the past 5 years (most of them in the first year after my surgery) to be told that those pains that mimic gall bladder issues are just "phantom pains".  PHANTOM??  They sure are not made up in my head because I would never wish this type of misery upon my worst enemy (if I ever had one), but these doctors play it off as something I will to have happen.  What a crock of B.S., if you ask me.  After looking it up, it is possible to have pain where something once was, but no longer is there.  I also learned that a person's diet needs to change when the gall bladder is removed.  Thinking back to when I am having these issues... I look at what I eat, what I have done for the days prior, and even if there is some reason for this to happen that can be considered a milestone to something else (aka a woman's monthly "visitor").  Still there is not rhyme or reason that I can peg this pain from, but have to deal with it the best I can.  I was told that back issues that stem from nerve damage from surgery can play a big role in frequent flare ups...  This has been my final findings to why I am having issues with my back.  Jabbing tools in my body to remove a gall bladder probably damaged some nerves that can cause radial pain at random times.  There is no cure for that...  just learning to deal with it is a lifelong journey.

Well, this past Friday I was having some back issues.  I figured it was from the coughing and sneezing from a major hit in allergies.  Add a little stress from an upcoming event and BAM... poor sleeping from my back issues.  I figured that once everything settled down, I would be fine.  Apparently not.  The pain got worse and worse.  The chiropractor's office was to open on Monday and if I could get there... everything would be back to manageable....  My body did not want to wait and sent me into a tirade of spasms and pain that washed over me in waves.  I tried my full arsenal of "what to do" and it was failing miserably.  The thermostat in the house was on the fritz and it was 84 degrees.  Uncomfortably warm and melting my only reusable ice pack far too fast was not going to work.  After seeing the thermostat on the fritz, I shut the thing off with hopes things would cool off.  Sweating profusely, I thought I was having a heart attack.  The pain was more intense than I ever experienced.  Hyperventilating to control the pain, my mouth got painfully dry.  No tears left to shed for release of the pain, I woke up DH to inform him that I have to call 9-1-1 and get an ambulance to pick me up.  Crawling down the stairs, waiting for the ambulance to arrive, DH turns on the lights, unlocks the front door for me and watches me get hauled off to the hospital.  Yep, the "woman of steel" that tolerates just about everything has fallen victim to pain so immense that she is screaming in a very strained voice for help.  He asked for me to call him to pick me up when I get released since I refused to have him drive me.  I was barely able to move to get myself in the truck to be driven.

After getting into the ambulance, I was given a pain killer via I.V. before leaving the front of my home.  The roads are miserable on the way to the hospital with all those potholes that the driver could not miss, the lack of good suspension in the truck reverberated every jolt to my already aching spine.  First dose of pain killer did not work.  Got 5 more while spending the next 5 hours in the E.R..  Each one feeling more and more like a fast spin in a hot room.  Not liking this feeling one bit.  When things finally started to settle down, I was given one more dose for the road and released.  Groggy, dizzy, nauseated, dying of thirst, and in need of something to eat, I call DH to pick me up.  The nurse hands me the forms to sign for release, quickly explains what I need to do, hands me some papers with a prescription and lets me walk out of the E.R..  What is that all about?  Still riddled with questions, but so out of it... I wait for DH to arrive and take me home.  I call the hospital with my questions once I got home, call my mother to come over and watch over me because I was terrified having so much pain killer/muscle relaxer in my system and no food in it.  My mom, that wonderful woman came over and took care of me.  DH helped me with taking out the garbage for the night and did the dishes.  He even offered to make dinner, but I felt coherent enough to boil some water to make a pot of pasta.

I did sleep most of yesterday away and even had a full night of sleep overnight.  Awake with a slight headache today, I am thankful that I am not hurting anymore.  My Uncle gave my mom some homeopathic stuff for back pain that works well for him and worked for my mom.  I took one after eating dinner and went to bed after a short nap on the couch.  I think this stuff has some serious potential since I was feeling like I was sunburned after getting the muscles to relax from those pain meds the hospital and ambulance gave me, but feel so much better today.  I figured that the sensitive feeling I had all over my body was from tense muscles relaxing and would feel that residual pain for at least a few more days, but here I am... facing a new day and feeling just fine.  Thanks mom!  And be sure to thank my Uncle Bob, too!

Well, back to normal is what I need to be treating this day.  I will take it easy, but I have way too much stuff to do.  Have a good one everybody!!

When it rains, it pours... well, maybe a slight drizzle ;)

Good morning!  Ever notice when you have advance notice of something that has to be attended to, we seem to have a hard time getting back to a regular schedule for a few days afterward?  I know, I know... this question sounds a little weird.  Let me explain it this way.....

I knew I had a change in my daily routine roughly 3 weeks ago.  My usual Saturday thing is to get up around 6, take a shower, get dressed, put on my makeup and ease myself into greeting a day at the salon.  By the time I finish dragging my heels (since I am not really a morning person), this simple task takes me roughly an hour and a half before I leave for work.  Once I leave, I stop by the local convenience store to get something to drink and even stop by the McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich.  Yes, there is a Weight Watcher-points figured out- reasonable choice breakfast sandwich.  Then I get myself to work, haul my equipment in, set up and face the day that technically starts at 8am.  Well, there was a fashion show for the local church this weekend and the salon I work for volunteered their services of hair and makeup.  With Saturdays being the busiest day of the week, we accommodated for this show by taking care of these people before we were to open and partially into our regular hours of operation, thus making it necessary for some of the girls at the salon to get to work before their day was to begin.  Now, it was only an hour earlier for me, but it somehow put me in time management mode to start my day even earlier.  I hate being late for things.  Knowing that I would have to get up an hour earlier should not be such a big deal, but as I stated before... I need more time in the morning to get into that "happy to be awake" zone.  I planned out how I needed to do this, I got prepared in advance, and I had my alarm clock set to wake me an hour earlier.  Knowing that I was as prepared as I could be, even if the day was to not go smoothly, I felt prepared.

Well, after spending the week prior to this getting ready with how I was to do things...  I forgot to take my allergy medicine before the weather was to take on its turn.  My allergies hit hard and fast and the worst of it hit the day before this event.  Oh joy!  Sniffles, sneezes, coughing, itchy eyes, and sore throat bundled with knocking my back out of whack made it really hard to get a decent night's rest.  Up roughly every half hour, pacing the floors to get my nose to "unstuff" since the decongestant can do only so much, to laying on the floor to get the spasm in my back to settle from the tossing and turning when I was able to sleep, I knew I was up for a challenge.  By 4:30 in the morning, I gave up the hope of getting any sleep and proceeded to get ready for the day ahead.  Showered, dressed and ready, I did not look at the clock before I decided to leave.  I was a half hour ahead of schedule.  Adrenaline pumping from being psyched that I had a fairly full day ahead of me, I get myself a caffeine free soda at the store, got my breakfast sandwich, and waited in the parking lot of work for someone with a key to let me in so I could set up.  My day had me just working everywhere.

I get my first client at 7.  I just finished setting up.  Makeup was the start of my day.  While young faces are the easiest to work on, my first two clients were much older and more of a challenge, but the adrenaline running through my veins made easy work of what I had to do.  Being on a time crunch, I was actually ahead of schedule.  Then my next client (another makeup) came in late.  No worries, she had to wait.  I got 2 more makeups to do that did not make an appointment.  Then, after finally catching up with all the makeup to do, I get 2 more makeups and missed out on an updo, but did do a little makeup on that client.  I get a break from the makeup station and return to my hair station to do a haircut.  Then I was off to do a manicure on a client.  While I am able to do nails, I am not the biggest fan of that job.  My back does not like being hunched over like that.  Then off to do a highlight and color touch up, another haircut.  Somewhere I got a change to eat a sandwich, but I ate it so fast I did not get a chance to taste it.  By the time I was finished... it was 4:00 in the afternoon.  That was an awesome day in my book!  Darn shame that all of that makeup was done for free for this fashion show.  If it was a charged service, I would have gotten the opportunity to have a really nice paycheck in my future, but alas, I won't.  I love my job and even if I did it all for free, I would still love it, but I do like to have a little something for my efforts.  Well... onward I go....

After all of that work, I return home to make dinner for the family and crash on the couch.  That adrenaline and being so busy had me forget that I have a raging, full blown allergy issue to deal with... and between the fact that the shoes I wore to work have virtually no arch support and these allergies...  once I get a chance to rest...  I felt like I was hit by a bus.  Figuring that I would get some good rest once I take something for the allergies that will knock me out was apparently not in the cards for me.  Yes, I took the medicine, yes, I took a nice nap (only 2 hours), but sleep would elude me again.  Another night of tossing and turning.. of pacing and stretching, and waking up every half hour feeling the fear of oversleeping again makes me wonder if I have some residual effects of something similar to OCD.  Yet again, I was up before the sun rose...  UGH!  This bites!

Well, off to get this day going.  Gotta make the grocery list, make breakfast, get the dishes done, and go back to work...  I offered to do some work on a co-worker's hair...  In fact, 2 co-workers.

Come Monday.... I am going to the doctor and the Chiropractor.  It is time to focus on me just a little.

Have a great day everyone and thanks for reading :)

The natural defense mechanism....

You are climbing and climbing,
nearing the peak.
You reach the top
and rest for a moment.
Looking down
(wow, that is a far way down)
you feel your heart race.
Adrenaline starts pumping
it is fight or flight time.
You descend down
  really fast.
Screaming with arms flailing
some will laugh
  others won't.
The roller coaster comes to a stop.
You get off and throw up...

Life is similar to that roller coaster ride.  What we do with it is by our own design.

The natural defense mechanism differs from person to person.  Hearing terrible news puts us in defense mode.  While we all would like to remain calm, cool and collected at all times....  We all have a moment that makes us take a step back, but we manage to figure out our options and embrace the inevitable.

I went to visit a friend in the hospital yesterday.  She is an older woman that I have gotten to know over the past year or so.  We work together.

This woman is probably one of the most generous people I know.  She thinks of everyone else first, she strives to make everyone feel special, and appreciates everything people do.  She loves to cook and by the size of my waist.... she is really good at cooking.  Of course, it never hurts to be of an Italian heritage.  Her and I are similar in nature.  We are generous to a fault and always offering a smile.  I can cook, but I am not a great one....  just average.  I might have a little talent, but I just know how to follow a recipe.

One time, I offered to do her makeup (just for fun), and in appreciation of doing that, she fed my family with some delicious stuffed shells with homemade tomato sauce.  After fixing some of her jewelry, she gave me even more food.  Always with a compliment and a smile...  she is someone that warms the soul.

Well, she was not feeling all that well a couple of weeks ago.  After endless nagging for her to go see a doctor by everyone at the salon where we work at, she finally goes.  She was admitted into the hospital.  What we thought was a simple gall bladder issue (the symptoms were the same), ended up being something that gave her the invisible expiration stamp on the bottom of her foot.  She has stage 4 cancer blanketing her liver, the bile ducts, her gall bladder, and her pancreas.  This blanket has been strangling the connective area between all 3.  As I talked to her, I had to sit down.  Hearing the "C" word can knock anyone off their feet.  As I asked about her options, she appeared to have embraced this.  Putting her faith in God and the doctors, but accepting the lousy hand that was dealt to her.  As I tried to remain upbeat for her... internally I was freaking out.  As I looked upon a person I call friend and see her remain so calm as she tells me that if she remained determined to not see the doctor... she would have only 3 months of life to live.  Not knowing how much time she really has with the help of the doctors concerns me.  Stage 4 is serious.  There is not enough time to do all that you wish to get done.  All those personal things you set your mind to do before you die.  How is it that she can be so calm in the face of what I see is the most fearful thing to face?  She talked about getting out of the hospital and go back to work at the salon... making thank you gift bags and write thank you cards for the new clients.  Is this her defense mechanism?  To focus on everyone and everything else but herself?  Loved by many, all of the visitors she has every day (including me), sure can be a nice distraction to the facts.  With a smile on her face and not one tear in her eyes, I see her as the strongest woman I know.  I know of a few more really strong women, but this is about her today.

Driving home, tears ran down my face.  A person that has been capable of touching my soul in a remotely short amount of time has been given a time limit... an expiration date...  an end to her story.  I pray that she does recover, that she does have more time, and gets to stay just a little longer.  Call me selfish, but I am not ready to say goodbye.

So....  how would you handle devastating news like that?  What part of your natural defense mechanism kicks in to handle something like this if it was you?  Would you become solemn?  Or would you grab on with both hands and make the most of the ride that we call life?

Thanks for reading and have a great day....

Just a simple phrase....

Flipping the channels while the laundry was being attended to, I come across the TV reality show.... "RuPaul's Drag Race".  I am not sure if it is just curiosity that lured me in to watching, or seeing a man transform into a very convincing woman that astounds me to keep watching, but I did.  That show offers more internal struggles than I figured it would show.  These contestants have some serious baggage attached.  Being outed for being different is the center of the show.  Seeing and listening to these men struggle with their individuality and battling with acceptance within the group is something everyone deals with.  Just not all men desire to pose as women, nor does all women strive to look like a man.  We all struggle for acceptance and validation.

As I watched these men battle it out at the end... the two that received the lowest scores in the challenge need to convince RuPaul that they are worthy competitors via lip-syncing to a random song.  As RuPaul decides to gets to stay and who gets to "sashay away", she tells everyone that gets to stay this one phrase.....

"How in the hell is anyone gonna love you if you do not love yourself... can I get an AMEN."

That phrase is so true.  How does a person truly feel loved if the do not love themselves first?  Maybe that is the problem I feel I have.  I am seeking acceptance and validation of love from others while I clearly have an issue with loving myself.  I am most critical when it comes to me.  I see myself as fat, unattractive, and droll.  Compliments offered my way regarding my eyes being pretty or my hair looking great seem to never boost anything more than a "thank you" and silently disagreeing with the person.  When someone says it appears that I have lost some weight, I downplay the sentiment and think about how much farther I still need to go.  In fact, I seem to sabotage my ability to really follow through with being consistent when it comes to my diet.  This has to be self destructive behavior stemmed from not loving who I am.  As I try feverishly for feeling accepted, loved and validated as someone people like, the inner resentment of myself holds me back from truly feeling loved.  This probably causes a wall to build around me that others see and keep their distance.  My fear of rejection keeps me shackled to accepting every ill-conceived action that people do care, but only if I submit to their needs instead of my own.  I just cannot demand attention and feel good about it.  Maybe that is why I do more for others than I do for myself.  I am the one that bends all the time.  I am the one that changes to make a situation work.  I am the one that accepts less when I should be demanding for more.

Never to impose or demand attention, I put myself out there ready to accept getting hurt.  Kind of like being an "on call" punching bag.  While I know that there is a line drawn and that I would never take a physical punch to the face, I seem to be more apt to taking verbal blows.  I take criticism to heart and let compliments roll off of me like water off of a duck's back.  I do think of others before I think of myself.  In fact, probably a little too much.  I know that I have been taken advantage of, but accepted it because I made the happiness of others the focus of my energy.

Now, how does someone that chooses to love others first, figure how to love themselves?  I really do not know.  I know that something I blogged about in the past about "the inner awesome" has a lot to do with self love.  I just never realized how important is was.  When life humbles you (having a child does that), that self-love takes a back burner.  It is finding the right balance of self love is what I need.  Loving myself enough embrace others without appearing egotistical.  To become more apt to accepting the kindness of others when I obviously have turned my back to truly accepting compliments.  To be more accepting of who I am and stop being so overly critical.  To validate the fact that I am someone worthy of love and truly embrace all that comes my way....  To be the best that I can possibly be and achieve my goals in life where my lack of self love has sabotaged me.  I now acknowledged it, I need to embrace it... I just need to figure how to do it.

Thanks for reading... have a great day.

Eye for an eye and a slam to the emotions....

Ever notice when people do silly things (or even annoying things) to another person, it basically means that they are giving you some attention?  Remember as kids when you went running to your mom with a story regarding how frustrating and annoying some kid has been towards you and the response always was... "they are teasing you because they like you."?  Well, apparently there is loads of love in my home.  DH and DD taunt and tease each other all day.  From the moment they open their eyes until the moment they go to sleep.  I, on the other hand, choose to be the silent observer of their antics.  Between DD's growling at her father in frustration, and DH's "never say die nor even quit when you are asked to" mentality...  it feels like I have 2 children to raise instead of one.  I do have to admit, DH does have the upper hand in the taunting game, but DD sure is getting better at taunting him back.  While DD complains to me about her father's antics, I giggle and give her the same story my mom gave me....  "he teases you because he loves you, my dear."

I am not sure if it is feeling like I am left out of this taunting "loop" that DH and DD has, but I took a stab at just some playful antics to the both of them.  Well, here is my findings.....

DD gets a little playful teasing from me and she decides to go hide in her room.  DH gets bent and tells me in the most sternest of tone to quit it.  Suddenly, it is like a force that cannot be reckoned with made my family go to opposite corners of the house.

Feeling a little sting of hurt from DH's inability to play this silly game with me, I go and hide in the room where my computer sits to type this.  As I ponder the thought that maybe what is considered love towards me is not allowed to have any fun attached to it.  Being shrugged off like an itchy sweater really hurts, but I just cannot let this get the best of me.  I have had worse happen in my life, so this should be easy, right?  Apparently not. Maybe I am too sensitive to this little slam to my feelings.  It is not like we really do all that much together anyway.

As resentment sets in, I start seeing other little cracks in what I see as a solid family unit.  As I try to avoid comparing my life towards the lives of others, I just can't seem to stop feeling like I am appreciated less and less.  Those warm and fuzzy feelings of being loved seem to be gone and the realization that I am just a roommate to DH and that annoying "fly in the ointment" to DD.  While I tried to pride myself on not needing all that sappy romantic stuff, I realized that I would like it from time to time.  Simple little things that show me that I am truly loved beyond that level of respect that is demanded.  I sometimes get a little here and there, but it is the predictable kind that I already know about.  That kiss goodbye from DH as he leaves for work, the hug from DD when she wants something, and the gifts of cards on Mother's Day and my Birthday.  There are no surprises in my life here.  I have had a few scary moments, but nothing that has ever been done on some random day "just because".  Even this past Christmas felt more like an obligation than a desire.  I can only guess that passion loses its luster as time goes on, but there are a few stories of how a couple that has remained together for 50 years or more can still have a glimmer of passion still burning.  Heck, I see this old couple that walks around the neighborhood together holding hands, but when DH and I do the same, we are only walking next to each other....  no hand holding here.  Just those simple things that we have taken for granted seem to lack the gleam that passion offers when it becomes mechanical and expected.

Maybe that is why people seem to go in other directions.  While DH and I have no reason to part ways, I do see this strain in how we coexist.  One obviously wants to see growth or more out of this union while the other is perfectly happy with less.  Obviously the one seeking more is me.  With DH's retort at my playful nature by touching his knee, I definitely felt the sting of rejection.  Even explaining my actions after being told to "quit it", there was no remorse at my feelings being hurt.  Well, chances are he did not see me look hurt.  I do not like to cry in front of people and I sure as heck did not tell him that he hurt my feelings.  Holding dear to my father's words that showing too much emotion is a sign of weakness, I ran to the computer to blog.  Yep, I have been getting better at handling things when I take the time to write my feelings.... so look at me, dad.  I am being strong like you told me to be.  I sure do miss ya.  You always had the best advise and I know you would know what to do about this.  Chances are, you would do something about this.  Albeit a joke or going behind my back to speak for me... I know that you would catch me as I fall.

I wonder... is this what "I love you, but not that way" is?  I believe my family loves me... I think.  Just not enough to let me play along.

Oh well, off to make dinner and get this day over with.  I am running out of things to do on the computer.....

Thanks for reading...

The humble servant....

Recently, in the news, there has been some serious discussion over what is considered a job.  A current contender for the prestigious title of President of the United States happens to place very high regard about what his wife believes in.  Yes, Mitt Romney, a family man with determination to show people that he is the better choice of candidate to possibly defeat the current president, Barack Obama.  When it comes to faith, I am not all that familiar with what a Mormon is, but his foundation of family does seem to take center stage.  Recently, Mr. Romney's wife has been scrutinized for her choice to be a full time mother to their 5 children (all of which are now fully grown and have families of their own).  It makes me wonder how a person can state that being a caregiver is not a job...  Apparently, this person has failed to see that there are plenty of people paying for someone else to raise their children while they are off handling their career.  While in the grand scheme of it all, not being paid for what you do is technically not a job, but the rewards are far greater.  Not everything needs to have a pay scale attached to it.

I happen to be a full time mother.  Yes, while my daughter is no longer a baby, I still care for her.  I am more than just the woman that gave birth to her that gave me the name of "mom".  I am her confidant, I am her protector, I am her teacher and I am her friend.  There are things a school does not teach.  While what I have managed to teach her does not necessarily demand a pat on the back, it is about instilling confidence where the educational system cannot focus on.  It is those small details that get one-on-one attention that helps my daughter thrive.  As time marches forward, my daughter is maturing the way that I see fit.  Without raising a hand, I instilled respect in her.  While the trust issue remains a work in progress, I am proud of who my daughter has become.  Besides offering a safe environment for her, we as her parents, are comforted that she is in the best care possible (getting the attention she needs and deserves).  Yes, it would be quite easy to pay for someone else to raise our child, it is a choice to become the unpaid humble servant.  The reward I get for this job that people think is not a job???  Being an intricate person in DD's life that she can rely upon completely.  I get to witness all her milestones that have memories that nobody could ever place a price tag upon them.  While there is no substantial income to the financial obligation a family needs, we do manage with a strong budget in place.  Life is just not all about what you have in the bank, it is about the quality you put into it.  Materialistic items do not offer love, it is people.

Yes, while the family budget is being put to the test with a struggling economy, I would love to participate in something that offers a little more breathing room when it comes to money.  I just happen to place a higher value upon my family because I choose to.  Yes, it was an agreement between DH and I to take on the parenting role for our family.  You can call it tradition, but that is how we were raised as children.  Now, if the situation was different, I fully understand seeing people returning to work while someone else raises their child or children.  I have no doubt that once DD is just a little older, trusted a little more, and is solid in what independent responsibilities are to be safely self-sufficient...  I will do more outside the home when it comes to work.  For now...  my part time job is just fine.

As for Mrs. Romney still not working....  She actually is.  She supports her family to this day by being the rock that they can rely upon.  Still not paid or appreciated beyond the family fold, she supports her husband's campaign, she spends time with her children and grandchildren.  Regardless of how times have always been tough, it is our parents that made the sacrifices for their children.  Albeit staying at home or working somewhere else, they are the humble servants to those that matter, and being judged upon their choices from others that refuse to see the reason behind the choices is just toxic words.  Yet another person judging where there should be none.  Everyone is different, their situation is different and comparing those people to you will always create resentment.  Even if you think you are offering advise.

Well, of to do my humbling work on the home-front.  It is not always noticed, but it is appreciated.  Even without a word spoken, I know it is appreciated.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

This is probably all my fault....

Question....  Is it some genetic mutation that men happen to have that turns them into tunnel vision maniacs or is it just a rare condition that I happened to get married to?

DH happens to have these very random moments of being painfully focused on only one thing.  Here are some examples of what I mean....

Misplaced license plate stickers, new projects that never get finished, last minute paperwork that needs to be submitted to the accountant, and misplaced tools.  All of which he brings upon himself, but manages to blame me for something.

While he searches frantically, he trashes the house to where I am required to clean up after him.  Believe me...  he has potential to be worse than a stage 5 hurricane.


Recently, after the weekly shopping trip, I did not notice that one of his snacks did not make it to a bag that was brought home.  After 3 days of no interest in his apparently "missing snack", he felt compelled to search for it after he ate his lunch.  Searching high and low with a temper tantrum to boot, he leaves spilled tea on the floor and my kitchen turned upside down to grab yet another snack he chose for the week.  With a pout on his face and that darn tone that sets my nerves on edge, I get the ultimatum that where we are going for the weekly shopping is a "junky place" because that location lacks his choice of seeds to much on (of which I am still vacuuming up a month later) and his favorite cheese cut in cubes.  That this recent sin of all sins when it came to not having his Frito's chili and cheese chips was the final straw.  After buying all that we needed for Easter (of which I bought most of it out of my tip money from work), the weekly total was still $40 more than we usually spend... "they are just too expensive to make mistakes so terrible as to not giving him his darn chips.", he says.  Has it ever crossed his mind that where we go has the best selection, the most competitive prices and everything we actually need (minus his weird snack demands)?  Just the cost of our regular staples guarantees us that our weekly bill stays in check and that is without coupons.  Just because Easter was hosted at our home, our bill was a little higher than usual.... he claims that they are expensive.  Feeding 3 people will cost less compared to feeding 13 people.  Apparently not.  His tunnel vision seems to not take into account that the world is bigger than just our home and there are more people than just him out there.  Nope, he just trashes the house, spills tea on the floor, accuses me of stealing his chips, blames me that my cleaning abilities messes up his system to where his stuff is to remain (even when we have company coming over), and blames the store for losing his snack.  Talk about a drama queen!

While I do tend to cater to him as well as our family, I do this because I care.  Well, I also hate drama and overacted drama at that.  I am a non-confrontational person at this age.  In my youth, I would have done less and demanded more out of the concept of teamwork.  You see, I did not notice that his chips were missing when I put the groceries away.  Monitoring his snacks is not important to me.  Feeding the family healthy meals is.  Since I did not notice the discrepancy right away, I get pummeled with his tunnel vision, drama queen, pouty child antics 3 days later.  I at least went back to the store with the receipt in hand to rectify the situation.  The service department understood me and allowed me to get another bag of his chips to take home.  Returning home,  PMS strikes and I handed him his chips and said sarcastically, "here is your f-ing chips... is everything now all good and perfect in your world?"  With a response of "yes, and I am sorry I spilled my tea on the floor that you cleaned up".  (I gotta just love PMS...  that gave me the gusto to speak my mind while handing him his chips because I would have said nothing otherwise).  With everything right in his world, I wonder when he will dig into those things.  Eh, probably not for a few more days.  His tunnel vision has been restored back to normal vision.  Chances are, he is thinking about what he should have tunnel vision on next....  Oh joy!

Well, off to get the laundry done.  Have a good day!

Doctor mom gets gassed.....

Good morning.  This past Easter weekend went very well and I was quite pleased about that.  There was plenty of food, loads of laughs, and the cup of kindness seemed to be overflowing.  That was a welcoming surprise in my world.... believe me.

I just should have known better when it came to planning this event.  While there was plenty of good food for everyone, we did have a fair amount of leftovers to contend with.  Last night was "leftover night".  Getting in roughly one of possibly two more meals out of the way sure made my life in the kitchen a bit easier.  Not needing to cook once in a while is quite nice.  I just happened to overdo the dyed egg situation.  Guessing that people would chomp down somewhere between 2 to 3 eggs, I figured that I made enough when I boiled and dyed 36 eggs.  Little did I figure that with all the other food, the odds of everyone eating an egg or two (or three) would become actually possible.  It was not.  Loaded with boiled eggs, DH decides to partake on eating a few on a full stomach last night.  Apparently, that was the final straw to his digestive tract and got him to wake me (Doctor Mom) at 2:00 this morning with a request to find something to cure his raging case of heartburn.

As I wander around, looking for the new package of antacids in a sleep induced haze, I find them, give him one and accidentally gave DH a little "elbow to the stomach".  That lovely gas-bag let one rip that I swear was  a green fog in the shape of a skull and crossbones.  "OMGoodness!!  What died in your colon?", is what I blurt out (loudly, may I add, in my nice and quiet home).  DH giggles and says, "I guess it is from those few eggs I had after dinner...  egg farts".

Realizing that this is going to be my fate if I return to bed, I opted for the couch.  Sore back and lack of restful sleep, I was greeted with a smiling husband that shared that he had the best sleep after I gave him the antacid in the middle of the night.  Glad to hear he got some sleep.  As for me...  in my lack of true sleep haze, I chose to sleep just mere feet away from his gas cloud of death with a can of air freshener in my grasp.  Fear of sharing a blanket with him from a previous flatulence experience, I was smart enough to take the lesser of the two evils.

There was this one time, DH rolled over in his sleep after a night of White Castle cheeseburgers.  If you are not familiar with White Castle burgers, you are darn lucky.  These little mini burgers coined as "sliders" do just that.... slide in just about as fast as they slide out.  Cooked/steamed on a bed of chopped onions, this little square of meat (if you want to call it meat) gives people gas like they ate a gallon of beans.  Well, needless to say when DH rolled over, he filled the area under the blanket we shared with putrid gas.  Forgetting that there was someone else in the bed with him, he lifted the blanket to either admire the stench or share his current achievement with me, but as he laid there silently in the dark, he hears my reaction to a stench that woke me up from a dead sleep and starts to laugh.  From that day forward, I kept a bottle of air freshener on my nightstand for occurrences like that.

I just was not up to hearing his complaints of the scent of lavender trying feverishly to kill the "unkill-able" stench if it was to most likely happen again.  Believe me... Febreeze has met its match, and Febreeze has failed.  Lysol never worked, tried Oust and even a few other brands claiming that they remove unwanted odors.  All a person can do is open a window and hope for the best.  I believe I have destroyed nasal receptors over the years from exposure, but I do like to sleep without the scent of death floating around.  Choosing the couch was the better choice, but with left over eggs to be eaten....  I just might have to move out for a while... just kidding.... well, maybe not ;)

With is appreciation of my help in allowing comfort for him to get some decent rest, my reply was a growl of "you're welcome" and "be sure to share that gross bodily function with the guys at the garage"....  These guys like to gross each out for entertainment.

Well, off to do what I do.  Hope I offered a little laugh in your day.  Have a wonderful say everybody, and thanks for reading.....

I am so not ready for this.....

Good morning!

Last night, I was going through my list of things that need to be done before Easter Sunday.  I find it funny at how there is always so much to do when you plan to have family over.  For years, I have done Thanksgiving and Christmas for my family.  After my dad passed away, I have been trying my hardest in keeping some sense of family unity.  It is well known that once a parent passes away, the family fold becomes weaker.  Well, at least when it came to my family.  As for DH's family.... well, they even try to gather together a little more and both his parents are still alive.  His family, being bigger than mine, seemed to always be a little strained.  Probably because there is still resentment between the siblings....  always one trying to be "the favorite" above the rest.  Fortunately, DH does not hold as high of regard to being a favorite in his family.  He loves his parents, no matter how frustrating they can be, and is quite happy that they are around.

Well, this year I decided to take on having the family gather at our house for Easter.  My mother-in-law usually handles this, but a recent mini vacation with my father-in-law puts her in a serious time crunch to plan for the family to gather at their home, so in the spirit of keeping the family united, I took the initiative and decided to host the Easter gathering here.  In fact, I am having both sides of the family (well, those that chose to attend) in my home at one time.  After the invites were sent out, the RSVP's came pouring in.  Out of all the local family from DH's and my side...  we are going to have roughly 13 people (including DH, DD, and I) attending.  While our home is not all that big, I am actually thrilled to see all of them.  With my experience planning Thanksgiving and Christmas (for my side of the family), I figured I had a good grasp on what needs to be done.  Interesting thing.....  Planned events that include food become more complicated when the number of people attending increases.  While cooking for just the 3 of us on a daily basis is a snap, it is far more complicated to figuring how much food to make when there is more than just us 3.  I know that I will be overdoing everything and will have a ton of leftovers.  My guesstimating skills are not as sharp as they used to be.  Last year's little party while DH was away for his fishing trip resulted in eating a lot of leftover brats, burgers and hot dogs.  To this day....  the idea of having those foods has been far less appealing than they should be when the weather is warm and the grill is being used.  Sigh, I sure hope I like ham, polish sausage, bread, potato salad and all the other stuff I am making for this if these people do not come by with a serious appetite.

As I am going through my pre-made list of things to do so I am not frantically racing around on Easter, I wonder if I figured everything.  I ordered the ham, I got the sausage, I bought the eggs, I dyed the eggs, I found a lamb-shaped cake (which saved me from baking one), I am on perpetual ice cube duty, the housework is just about caught up, the weekly shopping list has been made for Saturday night, I have a cooking schedule in place (of which I will be making some things the night before), and I filled the biggest basket known to man with candy for the family to share.  I think I have it all figured out, but alas, my shopping list is getting bigger.  How and I forgetting things?  I am a planning junkie!  After standing in line for almost an hour to get 2 kinds of Polish sausage, I really do not want to forget anything.  I am even doubting my decisions over how much food we will actually need.  I am on the verge of almost thinking of going back to the Polish deli for more sausage and I have not even started cooking.  I am even unsure if the ham I selected will be enough...UGH!  Today's scheduled plans have changed and somehow I am ahead of schedule?  I am figuring where to put all this food and figure where everyone can sit to eat...YIKES!  Am I missing something?  I swear, I worry about the most ridiculous things.  I want everything to be perfect!  This is a multifamily event I have going on.  While my family is not overly critical over gatherings like these... it is DH's family I am worried about.  My mother-in-law has stuff like this down to a science.  After years of going to their gatherings, I just wonder how she does it.  Will my efforts be remotely near where hers has been?

I know that I should not stress over stuff like that.  What I manage to achieve is the best I can do and that should be sufficient, but maybe I have gotten myself all wrapped up in that battle that DH's siblings play....  being looked upon as a favorite.  Well, not exactly a favorite, but to feel a little more accepted into their family fold.  Family is important to me and I hope I am instilling that in DD, but with her current preteen angst...  I feel I am even missing the mark when it comes to her.  The only saving grace I have when it comes to this event is that I stated that it is a casual event.  I do not own a room that I can fill with tables so everyone can sit all together at one table.  They need to fix their plate and sit wherever they can find a spot.  Between the large amount of food taking over every table I own, the limited seating, and the forecast of cooler weather....  I sure hope everyone is okay with eating wherever they find a spot to sit.  It is far too late to rent a tent and tables to eat outside... especially a heated tent.  I sure won't be utilizing my picnic table any time soon.

Oh well... biting the bullet and as Larry the Cable Guy says....  I am gonna "git er done".  Stressing over what has not happened yet is not going to make this enjoyable for me as I have planned.  The countdown has begun... it is crunch time.  No regrets if it is not perfect, but I will enjoy having family here.

Have a great day everyone!

Bummer news....

Yesterday, I got a call from a person whom I call my closest and dearest friend.  In fact, she is more like a sister to me than a friend.

Friends come and go in life.  There is reason to every choice we make.  What we seem to forget is that choices do affect those that surround you.  I received some news from my best friend that she is planning on moving away.... far away.  While I understand that this is an opportunity that cannot be denied, that she deserves more than what life in Illinois has offered...  I am feeling the sting of loss.

Friends are special people.  Confidants to your thoughts, supporters when you feel alone, and the really special ones are the keepers of secrets.  My friend, Care, is the epitome of what a true friend is.  She is my sounding board when I get frustrated, she understands me better than anyone I know, she knows how to make me laugh when I feel down, she offers perspectives to things that I have difficulty understanding, and she would offer the shirt off her back if I needed it.  When we are out, there is never a dull moment, we have the greatest of times together, and our connection as friends brings across a feeling that we are more like family to every new person we manage to come across.  After years of people thinking we were related... we just agreed to let people think that we are sisters.  She stood up in my wedding, she hosted the bridal shower, she let me stay at her place the night before I got married and enjoyed one last night of bachelorette drinking.  I even think I still have the cork to a bottle of champagne we had opened for the occasion with help of a neighbor, a power drill and a screw (what people go through to remove a cork lid from a bottle...LOL).  She drove me that last mile to the church when I was having my first blown panic attack.  Never to judge me on the poor choices I allowed to let slip, she became the one person I could rely upon for rational thought.  Our friendship even makes her parents laugh.  How we manage to take care of one another.  An evening arguing over her twisted ankle and forgetting to disconnect the cell phone call to her parents got them thinking that we bicker like a married couple.  While we have our disagreements, we overcome them rather quickly because there is love between the two of us.  This is probably one of the rarest friendships ever.

As times have been tough for everyone.  It has been especially tough for my friend.  Wanting to change careers, she went back to college with a career in mind.  She studied hard, she graduated at the top of her class, and was ready to embark upon a new career path.  After numerous attempts with denials in its wake, she never stopped trying.  Frustrated and weary, she would talk to me.  I was the one she chose to talk to because I understood her.  While she gave me perspectives that I had a hard time seeing, I managed to do the same for her.

She managed to hear about a job opening.  Only thing is that she will have to move away.  As she called me yesterday about this great opportunity and that she is planning on taking it, all I could think about is that my best friend is going away and how I am gonna miss her so much.  No longer can we plan a last minute get together when the stress of our lives (no matter how different or similar that they can be) makes us crave a few beers and some quality time together to laugh and let go.  No longer is it going to be easy to just pick up the phone and chat.  There will be a time difference to consider when it comes to calling.  That moment when help is needed can no longer be a short trip to get there.  My window shopping buddy, my occasional lunch date, my movie watching pal, my fellow adventurer, and my fashion consultant (for when I decide to dress up) will be gone.  While the friendship ties that bind will never break, it is the distance that makes it so hard for me.  Part of me is going to move away and that hurts.

I do completely support her decision.  She deserves better than what she has been offered here for the past few years.  She deserves the opportunity to feel some financial ease.  I know she will do very well at this new job, I know that this change is going to be very exciting for her and I am excited for her.  Just a little sad that by best friend in the whole world will be so far away.  While my life does not offer that much excitement, she really won't miss much.  The few things she will probably miss is those milestones that DD will have.  At least she got to see most of them....  DD's first steps, DD's stubborn tendencies, DD's first words that led to first sentences and then onto her inability to stop talking...LOL.  Maybe she can make it to see DD get her drivers license, graduate high school, go off to college, graduate college, get married, and so on.  DD does love her Auntie Care...  That, I know for certain.

With everything we overcame to become such close friends, this is just another thing in the path of life.  Well, I have limited time before her decision is final and that she does move away.  As I wish nothing less than the best for her, I will always secretly hope she does stay.  Only time will tell, but at least I can say that I have one friend that surpassed what a friend is and became family to me.

The gift of light.....

Good morning!  The past couple of days, I was at a hair show.  Being the professional that I am, it is required to go to continuing education classes in order to keep my license.  Hair shows (for those that never went to one) are a combination of technical education and flair of a fashion show.  There is a sales floor for purchasing necessities in our field and a look into the newest tools for our profession.  While most see a hair dryer not being revolutionary, there is a huge selection (according to performance, power, and mechanics) that appeal to various people.  Kind of like a pen is a pen to someone that uses one occasionally, but every pen is different in its performance and feel to someone that needs to use one all the time.

While hair shows are filled with hairdressers, there is representation from all fields in the beauty genre.  Experience levels vary from students to people that have been in the field for almost their whole lives.  With a little over 25 years in the profession...  I am not the newest, nor am I the oldest there.  It is just a sea of professionals looking to learn just a little more in this ever-so-changing world.  We learn new techniques, revisit old ones, and get introduced to new products that benefit both the client and the professional.

Now, not all of this experience is technical.  There are business classes that help us professionals build a stronger business as well as business owners.  This career choice has taken a huge hit the past 4 years.  Especially the salons that offered more than a quick in and out cheap haircut.  The quality is in the price.  Think about it....  Would you rather have a person pay attention to you for longer than 15 minutes when it comes to a look you will be seeing in the mirror every day or would you just accept impersonal service and potential huge errors?  Cut rate salons work more on a quantity over quality environment because that $8 haircut is sure not going to pay much when it comes to keeping the lights on, the water running, and it sure is not all going to the stylist.  Being a hairdresser is not as glamorous as some people think....  Long hours on your feet, hair in your clothes, cuts on your hands, no insurance, no paid vacations, and if you get sick....  You sure don't get a paid day off.  We are the therapists to the people in our chairs and are the first to take the hit when there is a complaint.  Through the muck and mire of being the humble servant, there is reward that does not have a price tag.... it is the client that leaves with a smile on their face, a skip in their step, and the assurance that they are choosing to see you again for their hair services.  While the tip is nice for a job well done, it is the feeling we get from seeing a smiling face that seems to do it for me.  Well, I have to admit...  I do like getting a tip.  Kind of tells me the level of how happy they are beyond the smile and the thanks I get for a job well done.  Some people do choose to not smile at all (the very serious ones) and that is one way to figure how happy they are.  At least my wit and charm does get them to crack a smile from time to time.

With being in this business for a little over 25 years, I have worked at various capacities.  From full time to part time, I have seen it all.  I have worked at various salons and spas.  I have worked with various personalities of professionals and even when it seemed that I hit the toxic stage of a work environment...  I still manage to love my job.  This is where I was shown something that I have managed to lose sight upon.  You see, I blog to share my feelings about things that happen to me or around me.  I try to show appreciation for everything that comes my way.  No matter how difficult it can become, I silently appreciate the experience.  Well, not exactly silently if I blog about it, but you get my drift, right?  There are times when appreciation should be shown to the person that offers you something.  Like the job you have.  While I appreciate my part time job at the salon, I managed to forget to thank my boss for all that she does for me.  While she is not perfect, nor am I, I need to appreciate all those little things.  Just being offered the chance to shine every time I am there should get a "thank you".  If she did not believe or appreciate me as a person...  I would no longer be there.  When I offer something free to a client, she is not slamming me for an explanation.  She looks out for the bottom line because she wants to keep me there.  While a toxic tendency to look at someone always looking at the bottom line is thinking that you don't matter is completely wrong.  It is all in how you look at it.  If everything is all about you, you cannot see the efforts of others and you hold no appreciation for those efforts.

Just finding that little act of kindness in a sea of disappointment can make a world of difference.  All it takes is for someone to shine that light upon it and your expectations will change.

I got that light at this year's hair show.  All it took was for one person to do that this past weekend.  Just think about it....  if every person seeks out the good in the sea of disappointment... chances are... you will end up seeing more good than disappointment.  While not everything is good and right...  there will be times it is far better to walk away.  It is what you see beyond what you feel that points you in the direction that you need to go.  Kind of like balancing a checklist of pros and cons to decide.  You just have to dig deep and really find all of the pros... no matter how little they are... and believe.  Also, judging people upon what is on the surface does not let you fully understand the choices they make.  Sometimes you need to walk a mile in someone else's shoes to know.  Hearing that story of a client that never sought out change, got the same look every month, brought their rambunctious children in tow, wearing outdated clothes and tipped poorly does not reflect upon the person if you knew that the reason they wore outdated clothes was because they chose you for their hair over a new wardrobe, or that their demon-spawn kids coming along all the time was about not paying a babysitter so they can see you, or tipping poorly because that is all they can afford because they chose you for their hair.  On the surface....  that client may be a total nightmare, but if you really knew their reasons...  You just might see this person in a different light.  I see that being pretty easy to apply that to everyone I come across....  Looking for the shred of light should be the start of one awesome journey that most people miss because they choose to not take on the effort.  Those that choose to not try do lose out on some really wonderful things.  I just do not want to lose out anymore.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!  May you all seek out some light in your day...