The death of tradition....

It is November... the precipice of the holiday season.  Thanksgiving is literally around the corner with Christmas hot on it's heels.  Then, in a blink of an eye.... it is New Years.  All those family traditions that I do my best to keep alive is dying and this year will show how dead my holiday spirit is really is.  Pretty sad to realize that my efforts have been in vain all these years, but when one person holds the holiday spirit for the whole family.... it is no surprise that this was going to happen.  Here is my story to how this happened to me.....

I have grown up with the traditions that most people have.  A house filled with family, friends, laughter, love and food.  Sometimes, decorations are involved.  Thanksgiving is known for the huge feast of Turkey and all the trimmings with no complaints of the increase on the scale or the nap that follows a full tummy.  Christmas (my most favorite time of the year), with all the decorations, the lights, the time with family, and that constant reminder of "it's the thought that counts" when you unwrap the fifth hat and scarf set.  It is that feeling of togetherness of family that rarely ever gets time to spend together.  Sure, I have no doubt that people can try to carve out a night here and there to invite family over for dinner, but with the hustle and bustle of life in general, it is hard to navigate the perfect time for everyone, thus, the appreciation of the holidays because people will make the time.  Of course, it never hurts to have a tradition to give the holiday that added something that makes it special.

Now, with a small family of my own, I have tried to keep the traditions alive.  I have made the final push to unite all family from DH's side with mine to celebrate the season, but sadly I have run out of steam to keep doing it.  You see, while I work hard to keep the traditions alive, my little family unit has no desire to participate in these traditions.  At Thanksgiving, DH takes his seat on the recliner to watch TV while I scurry about cooking and cleaning for the arrival of family to come.  While I am running like my life depends upon it, I have to ask for help and get that feeling of guilt that I will never measure up to our parents for the holidays.  DH's mom is a saint and I swear that she has forest creatures at the ready to help her to have her house be as spotless as it is, cook a delicious meal and still manage to not look completely frazzled.  While I know that my mom had her magical powers, I at least knew she had the ability to place a fire under her offspring's backside to help out.  Sure, I can ask DD for a little help, but with her work and school schedule, she needs her sleep during these holiday breaks.  Oh, who am I kidding!!  She hides in her room for a reason and that is to avoid manual labor over the holidays.  While there is plenty to be done before the actual day that family comes over.... I am left to tackle it all on my own with the added obstacle....  DD's boyfriend.  It seems that my house is the place to hang out and it is really hard to clean the house while you have your daughter and her boyfriend lounging on the couch, watching Netflix and sharing YouTube videos on their cell phones.  I was raised to never ask a guest to help with housework and it gets really hard to do much with a guest in my house almost every day!  With thinking getting ready for Thanksgiving being hard.... Christmas is even harder!!

Yep, my favorite holiday is circling the drain.  I get zero help for Christmas AND I have limitations to boot!  Back, when Christmas gift giving was the way I grew up with... everyone got a gift.  It did not matter what it was, but the feeling that someone took the time to think of you and what you like as a gift is what I can only describe as heart-warming.  I am not a materialistic person.  I do not need the newest gadget or the most expensive trinket to feel loved.  What matters to me is the thought... the effort.  With the way life is.... we tend to take for granted our feelings for one another.  We lack the ability to want to spend time together.  What my Christmas season consists is a budget and virtually no gift exchange.  When the economy crashed and things got tough for DH and I, we stopped exchanging gifts to one another and only focused on family.  Which, in turn, our families decided to only give gifts to the kids and there was an age limit on that (after you turn 18... you are now in the adult pool and no more Christmas gifts from family).  We are now down to only one child to buy for and a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that the wonderment of Christmas is dying.  Then, lets add the zero assistance in the decoration department.  DH used to decorate outside, but after 3 years in a row of teenage vandalism to our outdoor decorations.... DH no longer pulls out the decorations or hangs lights on the house.  All that is left is the indoor decorations and nobody is willing to volunteer their help, let alone enjoy the effort I put in to put this stuff up.  My knees are not built to visit the crawlspace anymore and with our new 3 year old German Shepherd, Mikita, getting acclimated to his new home.... I just do not have the energy to guard a Christmas tree that will take over his favorite spot in the house.  That, and the fact that anything round is considered a "ball" and must be played with will be the death of me.  Of course, in my mind..... what good is a Christmas tree if there are no gifts underneath it?

This year, I think that the holidays are going to lack even more of the traditions luster.  I will go buy my niece her gift, wrap it, and call it a day.  I might find something small for DD so she does not feel the sting of no Christmas gifts.  DH was furious with me for the gift I got him when I tried to rejuvenate the wonderment of Christmas a few years back and I am not going to try again.  Knowing that he does not Christmas shop... I am certain that there will be nothing for me, either.  I am downsizing the Christmas tree to one that will sit on my dining room table that has battery operated lights and no ornaments and leaving all my other decorations in the crawlspace.  Holiday meals will be no different than an ordinary day and maybe I can get my family to at least go to church with me on Christmas.  I might try to bake, but why bother?  It just doesn't feel like the holidays anymore.  I am just so sorry that the years of traditions are going to die on my watch..... 

My emotional side.....

Every person is afflicted with emotions from time to time.  I, on the other hand, seem to be afflicted a bit more often, or just lets say.... a bit more than the average in strength.  I guess what I am getting at is I can easily start crying on the smallest of kind gestures.  Just hearing that someone wants to help me can set me on an emotional journey that includes a very high probability that I will "cry ugly" in front of you. 

Sure, I can blame it on the dreaded "M-word" (menopause), but I just cannot deny that my need to cry at kindness is because I rarely get kindness offered willingly to me without asking for it.  It is not like I go seeking for acceptance, recognition, appreciation or praise for what I try to do, but it is nice to have someone actually offer a tidbit of those things to me.  I am not saying that I do get the occasional "thanks" for things I do around the house, but in the manner of which it is presented to me is obviously done in such an empty way that it does not feel really genuine to me anymore.  It is kind of saying something so often that it loses its meaning after a while.  Best example is someone saying the words, "I love you".

We all love.  It is comes in varying degrees with different meanings.  Love is a difficult word to define because love is not exactly a constant thing.  We can love someone, but not like them very much.  Heck, we can love someone and in that same thought lack respect for them or even fear them.  The definition of love is a strong affection towards, but we all tend to believe that it is the highest level of like there is.  Now, with love, the definition to what allows you to feel love is as individual and different as there are people in the world.  What I am getting at is what tells you that you are loved.  If we all remember those little cartoons in the Sunday newspaper that was titled, "Love is..." with the little naked characters can tell you anything is that love means a lot of little things adding up, like, "Love is..... telling her she is pretty", or "Love is.... cooking her a meal".  While those little snippets of what love is a part of it... it does not encompass the depth of actions to feelings.  It is the actions without being asked that become those signs that you are loved.  Not all actions are seen or recognized as acts of love.

I have been married for over 20 years now, and those little snippets of what love is gets lost because it loses its value over time.  DH does say he loves me.  Every day, before leaving for work or ending a call with me... he will say, "love ya".  While I know in that aspect he loves me, it does not exactly solidify that there is any depth beyond the token phrase said to me.  Sadly, when I know he is mad at me... he manages to not say those words.  Does it hurt when that happens? It sure does, but not as much as it used to because that little act seems to have lost its value over time.  There have not really any supporting acts to support that the level of love we have is growing or evolving.  Sure, DH works hard at his job to provide for us, or that he proudly takes on the chore of vacuuming the carpets for me every week, but is that enough to show he really cares?  Especially, when I do more and get less appreciation?

When it comes to love, there is a level of want or desire and not in a sexual way.  The ability to do things because you want to and not because you were asked to.  That level of paying attention to another person and their needs is what I am getting at.  It has nothing to do with gifts.  It is about an emotional need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a helping hand to lift you up, a desire to do something just because it is the nice thing to do.  It is known that happiness comes from within and to achieve happiness, you have to do it alone, but it is nice to make a little time to emotionally support the one you say you love.  Sadly, it has appeared that DH is not all that interested in this showing of love.  He seems perfectly happy having the blinders on and is only focused on his happiness, but I have to admit that he was always that way.  It is not his fault for being this way, but it is mine for expecting him to change.  But when he does decide to step up.....  I am in awe.  It is a very rare occurrence, but when it does.... I feel very blessed.  I just wish he would want to offer more without having me ask for it.

Another part of love is believing.  Believing in another and their abilities.  Being the one that cheers you on to try, to do, to achieve great things, but also pulls you up when you fall and reminds you that it will be alright.  When it comes to DD and DH....  I am the one that holds all the believing cards.  I have faith in my family where I should just back off and let them be, but I know that there is greatness within them.  Not too much believing is on their part, though.  I try so hard to support their dreams that I have managed to lose mine in the process.  I think that is where most of my emotional waterworks comes from these days.  I have lost my value to supporting theirs.  I cannot blame them because I tend to do that to a lot of people.  Friends, family, clients.... the list goes on.  I have devalued myself in order to give value to others that need it as much as I do.  

I am generous to a fault and it is destroying me.  Just recently, I was told that I have value... that I matter.  That there is greatness within me that I can achieve things that I have been struggling to achieve for years.  That help is willingly being offered to me to do just that.  I was told not to cry and I did the best that I could to hold the tears back.  Those tears were not in sadness, but in thankfulness that I mattered.  Then, it all came crashing to me that my emotional overflow is not just a hormone imbalance.... it is relief.  Relief that there is good in the world, relief that I am not alone, relief that I can heal.  Sure, there will be times that I will cry from pain and sadness, but there is another reason and that reason is not a bad one.  Getting in touch with my feelings is growth and from growth is possibilities.

Thanks for letting me share this with you today.  I hope you find meaning behind the emotions you are feeling.

Fact Finding Missions.....

So many opinions are out and being shoved down the the metaphorical throats of anyone remotely curious about things is so commonplace, it is darn near impossible to decipher fact from fiction these days.  I guess this blog entry is something I have been pondering for quite a while and I wonder if others feel the same way that I do.....

Recently, I have been paying a little more attention to what is affecting my personal little bubble.  There have been a few discoveries that are not all that new and shocking, but have had me wonder about them nonetheless.  With this interest in seeing information, I took it upon myself to do a little search online and as the saying goes..... "A few clicks on Google can make you go from curious to fearful.  Sites like WebMD, can make an insignificant ache or pain become something terminal.  And, if you wonder if you are doing something right, you can be told at least a dozen (if not more) ways how wrong you could possibly be."

Yep, I have been swallowed down the rabbit hole of conflicting information via the internet.....

Here is one story that managed to explode before I could reign in all the conflict in my mind.  Heck, it has taken me about 4 months to come to this point to even consider sharing this.  So, lets begin....

After making the mistake of forgetting to get my annual flu shot (yes, I am aware that in the world of percentages, the flu shot is basically considered non-essential in prevention of the flu), I became another statistic of getting the dreaded and feared illness.  Trust me, I did not enjoy the experience one bit, but the forces that be decided that I shall be slapped silly with the sickness stick, and slapped hard is what it was.  I have dealt with stomach issues that had me believe that I should be so thin that I am transparent by now.  Of course, that is not the case.  My fat cells have other plans for me.  Plans that I am not so thrilled about.

With the truth in the number on my bathroom scale, as well as how I look in the mirror... I have a very long road ahead of me.  I decided that I need to make the necessary changes.  Well, the changes have been the only constant I have managed to stick to.  I cook healthier meals for my family and for their specific health restrictions.  DH has Atrial Fibrillation and as a side.... he has cholesterol issues to deal with.  Of course, this is difficult enough to find recipe ideas for a fully grown man that has a picky eating palate of a 4 year old!  That man would live on pizza, sausages, burgers and cheese if he could.  Green vegetables are not welcome and fruit makes him run in another direction.  Anything in the realm of a salad will only consist of lettuce (which he will allow), black olives and cheese.  Salad dressings are a no-no in his world.  His constant reminder that "fish are friends and not food" from the movie Finding Nemo tells me that all forms of seafood will never pass his lips.  His list of approved foods is a lot easier to remember than this expansive list of what he will never consider trying.  Believe me, I watched him inspect the weekly grocery list as well as watch with a critical eye what is put in the shopping cart every week.  Since he is the one buying the groceries... I must comply within the limitations set before me; to make healthy meals from the approved list of foods he will eat.  Trust me.... it is really hard to find recipes that fulfill the requirements bestowed upon me.  But yet, here I am at least making a difference, albeit a small one.  What I have made so far has been a hit or miss experience, but at least what I do make tastes better than hospital food and that is saying something!

With the added stress of taking care of my family, I have developed some health issues of my own.  According to my doctor, I suffer from a silent form of GERD (acid reflux) that has me feeling quite sluggish and sick.  This form of GERD does not give a person the normal feeling of heartburn, but a sneaky set of symptoms that appear as something completely different.  Who knew that a tight feeling in my lungs with a constant need to cough is a symptom of GERD?  How about the feeling like I have something constantly caught in my throat that makes it hard to swallow?  How about feeling like you have post nasal drip with no sinus congestion?  Little did I know that these are symptoms of acid reflux and the damage it is wreaking on my esophagus.  Only took me to see the doctor to have them check me over with the added expense of getting a chest x-ray to come to the conclusion that I am suffering from GERD.  No cough suppressant will calm my coughing jags that make me dizzy and lightheaded.  No antibiotic to cure the itchiness in my chest or cure the feeling of a post nasal drip infection heading for my lungs.  Nope.  I need to change my diet, increase my activity level and avoid foods that will trigger heartburn.  Oh, and a little purple pill that slows down my stomach acid making abilities.

With the research I have started doing in my free time, I have read at least a dozen articles relating to proper eating and what is seen as a proper diet in order to lose weight.  Then, there were the additional clicks to figure an answer to the great debate over organic vs GMO.  Then, the other great debate over getting essential nutrients from foods vs adding supplements.  Then, there is the food pyramid and the expectations that gets bestowed upon us.  Then, there is the healthy weight ranges, BMI, and expectations/adjustments according to gender and age.  Of course, there is that interest in those different diets and how so many people believe one diet is better than the others with their reasons why.  That being fat is not exactly our fault, but genetics and how our world has created an obese society through convenience foods, processed foods, sugars, and artificial sweeteners.  Then, of course, we need to take into consideration that only certain exercises are effective on creating lean muscle, but according to specific body types.... not all exercises are created equal.  Is walking really better than running?  Is weight lifting really necessary to lose weight?  And the icing on the cake.... how long and how often should you be active according to what you eat.  You know that little gem, right?  That one piece of cake requires 2 hours on a treadmill to burn off or something along those lines?  To track or not to track what you eat.... is it more important to focus on calories or fat?  Or is it carbs vs sugars since both do the same thing in the end, right?  Then there is the water debate.  How much is really ideal for weight loss.... is it 8 glasses a day or is it necessary to figure the number through current weight and desired pounds to lose.  If it is the latter, then I guess food will never pass my lips, I think.  Of course, I could go and look into the juicing cleanses and smoothies debate, but lets be real here.... isn't it better to chew your nutrients than puree them?  I believe you burn more calories if you chew, but apparently our bodies are so lazy that they cannot absorb the nutrients unless we turn it into liquid form... is that right?  Heck, my latest find on the internet is that the foods we deem healthy are not really healthy at all, and need to find some obscure food I know I will never find in my grocery store, but if I wanted to go an easier route.... I could just pay for a supplement I could swallow every day for the low, low price of $69.95... no, wait.... just buy it in bulk and save $20 a bottle.  Can you see how I am getting a little confused and jaded?  I mean, the list can go on and on.  Fresh vs prepackaged is another route I have not ventured into yet.  You know the cost of getting healthy is getting up there. Shall I go to meetings that shame me into hating food that tastes good?  Or shall I have my choices taken away with some prepackaged space food that gets delivered to my door?  I can only guess why people are so freaked out these days is because there are so many compelling arguments that sway us to believe in certain things.  If I keep this up, you will find me in my closet with a tin foil hat on my head, muttering that the sky is really falling.

I guess what I am getting at is there's no right or wrong answer.  Only perceptions of what everything could be.  While I know that I won't get any thinner with the route I am taking, I am also beginning to embrace the concept that this is who I am and I need to be okay with it.  Make reasonable changes to see if it is for me and for the long haul.  I am not supposed to live forever, and no matter what I do won't change that. Do I want to look like I did in my 20's?  Sure, but if I have to lose my mind to get there???  Not so much.  Do I have to know everything?  Not really.  Ignorance is bliss and all that.  I suppose I just need to find my happy and accept that this is who I am.  If I can fix this stupid GERD and that darn tickle cough that makes me dizzy... I would be golden!

Ah.... enough for today.  Thanks for reading and maybe I will share with you again real soon.

Take care!!