Variety is the spice of life.... Where can I get some?

Ever felt that your current situation is in a rut?  I know mine is....

As each week passes, I seem to notice a predictable pattern forming.  Especially when it comes to choices and somehow that predictability can be just as frustrating as listening to a skip on a record.  I really do not know why I ask DD and DH for their input when it comes to the weekly shopping, but I do.  Every week I ask them for suggestions to what we should have for the week...  Breakfast, lunch and dinner choices.  With their picky palate, we end up eating the same stuff each week.  How boring is that?

While I have managed to sneak in something different from time to time, it ends up being yet another meal that is not allowed to have a repeat performance.  While there is so much to choose from when it comes to food, DD and DH would prefer to live on tacos, pizza, sausage, and convenience foods.  I have no clue the point value on corned beef, but I can guess it is not a widely embraced food for dieters.  When it comes to something different, food-wise, it has to meet a certain criteria in order to be tried or eaten.  DH is not a fan of vegetables and fruit.  The ones he would eat are starchy and far from helpful on my diet.  He only likes corn and potatoes.  Anything beyond that realm gets either grunts of disgust or a very verbal complaint and refusal to eat.  DD on the other hand is less picky, but cannot tolerate beans, sauces, soups or gravy.  Otherwise, she seems to be a little more adventurous.  While DH will eat some things that are outside of the corn and potatoes realm, he prefers to eat a load of pasta, bread, sausages and cheese.  He is not a fan of steak, but prefers hamburger.  If he sees spinach, broccoli, cauliflower, or mushrooms... he will refuse to eat.  Also, he is not a fan of anything seafood, so fish is completely out of the question.  He'll eat lettuce, but only on tacos.  Sour cream, cottage cheese, mayonnaise, avocado, and salad dressing are things he absolutely refuses to even consider eating.  He will eat chicken, but complains that it is not breaded and fried.  He even knows if I used mustard in something and will not allow me do that again.  Basically, I am trapped in the box of food demands and cannot venture out and make more exciting things.

While a person that places them on a diet, they restrict themselves all the time.  The reason is not because of taste, texture, or presentation... it is because it is not beneficial to a healthy lifestyle.  While there are options that I have managed to implement in my picky eating duo choices, I just feel trapped by their limitations.  Since we do the shopping as a family from week to week, they know exactly what I am using to make the family meals.

The only time I get to feel like I am being adventurous when it comes to food is when I am home alone and preparing my lunch.  Sadly, my exposure to their inability to try something new has rubbed off on me.  I seem to pick the same stuff from week to week.  The desire to think outside the box is crushed.  My drive to do well on my weight watchers lifestyle is becoming less important.  I cannot break that 20 pound mark.  I have been hovering over the same weight for 4 months now and that is definitely making this goal more of a pipe dream than a reality.  As I have sobbed over my feelings of failure, I just cannot get past this roadblock.

Attitude should mean something when there is desire to achieve a goal.  I just seem to have lost it.  Feeling less and less in control of my life has brought on my old nemesis....  the panic attack.  Tightly would frustration and obstacles that I cannot figure how to pass, opened the door to random moments of feeling like I am dying.  Crippling fear that confines me to avoid living life to its fullest.  Knowing that I am not getting any younger is just a catalyst to having less control over something that really is not what it feels it is.  Years ago, I learned how to control these moments of crippling fear.  Mental processing that this episode will pass and that I am okay.  Holding in the fear, the frustration, and the racing thoughts becomes so internalized that I ache everywhere.  Having a husband that has no interest in helping and a daughter that refuses to understand makes it really hard to have more good days than bad ones.  While DH is aware of my situation, he refuses to understand my need of support.  Since he does not suffer like I do, he figures that this is something I have to handle on my own.  DD has been informed about my situation, but has the same nonchalant attitude about it as DH.  Reminding them just starts yet another argument of misunderstanding and a battle of what should be more important.  After years of being told that my problems and concerns pale in comparison to what they deal with on their own...  I am apparently crazy or clueless.  While they seem perfectly content with predictability, I am the only one that has a problem.  Maybe I should pull out an old, scratched record and play it.  As it skips and repeats, over and over again, I wonder if they might see my point of view.  Chances are, they won't.

Sigh...  Well, I guess I should go make dinner.  So what that we had it just a few days ago.  It is what they like.....

I am an epic failure!!!

Still reeling from my most recent form letter of rejection for a job that I applied for more than once, I get another smack in the face... and another... and another...

Reality hit hard for me today, and as I ponder the idea of pulling out a beer at 9:00 this morning to numb the frustration and stress that I have been hoarding...  I decided to write about it first and see where this takes me.

Trying to find a job that DH has requested for me to do for the past 3 years has been a snowball of misery, stress, and frustration.  My damn determination to allow DH to make up my mind for me for the sheer sense of appeasing him has put me in a position that can be described as... screwed.  I own nothing, but I have my name on a mortgage to his house.  My car, albeit something I was glad to get rid of, was replaced with a vehicle that its title is in his name.  My career path was diverted and I willingly agreed to be a full time mother and housewife when DD was born.  I have cooked, cleaned, ran errands, raised our child, and bowed down to making my dear husband (DH) my only source of support.  Now, with the current economy and job market in limbo... I was asked to find a second job because my love of being a hairdresser does not make enough to support anyone.  As I try to find a job that offers a more guaranteed, yet stable income while keeping the hairdressing job that I love and maintain the home/family that has been placed in my care since there is no possible teamwork here...  I am losing more than my hair... I am losing my mind, too.  You see, trade school does not open the door to opportunity outside the the realm of what you have been trained to do.  Makes it really hard to find a job that is not in hairdressing since it is no longer an adventurous job market.  Employers no longer "take a chance" and offer entry level jobs to those willing to learn a new trade.   While I have been trying to get my foot back in the job market after being out of it for such a long time... rejection is becoming more commonplace.

While I am reeling from the last rejection letter which was written in such a nice way, the sting of failure yet again hits hard.  The disappointment in DH's face tells me that he is nearing his last straw.  DD, that beautiful and smart child, just handed me a paper this morning from her teachers that inform me that her GPA has dropped, yet again.  As I try to remain calm, I had a short talk with her.  Her ability to spring these things on me with virtually no time to react is her specialty.  I sign the little piece of paper, stating that I saw this, and hand it back to her to return to school.  I know that as a child gets older, they are required to be responsible for their efforts, thus the grade he/she earns.  While I know that she can do better, I ask for a reason why her grades are slipping at such a fast rate.  She cannot give me an answer and her only reply was, "I don't know". As she knows that is not an answer I want to hear, I proceed to tell her that after school she is getting a long talk about what we need to change in order to make a marked improvement when it comes to her academic career.  She is not gonna like what I am thinking should be done and it will go against what her teachers requested back at parent orientation when school started.  I have to get involved where I should not be.  While it is the teacher's job to teach, it is my responsibility to apparently pick up the slack.

I do not recall using a calculator to do math, nor did I have it a requirement to use a computer for homework assignments.  While whiteboards are all the rage these days in the world of teaching, I feel that the current teaching curriculum is lacking actual learning something to its fullest.  As I see DD bring home her homework and how there is zero fluidity to what is being taught.  All of these little snip-its of various areas of learning is not preparing our children for their future.  When you see an assignment one day for fractions and the next day for geometric shapes/angles...  It shows to me that the attention to detail is far from where it should be.  As teachers claim that children are prone to ADD or ADHD tendencies, it seems that the educational system is portraying the worst of scenarios with less than thorough teachings.  The jump from subject matter to subject matter has me concerned that our children are lacking actual understanding to what needs to be learned.  While teachers and the teaching community believe that variety like this stimulates the young mind into advanced learning well beyond what I had as a child, I see this as a road to relying upon machines to do the work instead of the reward of effort placed.  As I tried to conform to what is expected from being a parent, I feel that I was set up to be an epic failure.  In fact, the path that I was led to guaranteed me that I would become an epic failure.

As I try to help my struggling child conform to less than adequate practices, I see that I have the same issues.  I just fail to understand how society has allowed for mistakes like this to happen.  I recall a statement that was given to me when I was is beauty school....  "You are the maker of your own destiny.  The wealth you earn from knowledge and the money you earn are the result from your efforts."  I just wonder if this person saw into the future at how the events in life, the people in life, and choices we have can hold no water if these are things you cannot control... no matter how hard you try.  Is it based upon faith that God gives you only what you need to learn or need and nothing more?  Is it possible that the efforts from surrounding forces of others that push you down no matter which path you take?  Is conformity necessary to get to where you desire to be?  As I have tried my hardest to adapt and accept what has been placed before me, I have tried to remain truthful to who I am and I still fail.  Is my fate, as well as DD's and DH's, in the hands of another because we refuse to be rule breakers?  Is it possible that being honest and truthful to who you are the deciding factor that you will never fit in or succeed?  Is DH's determination to throw me back to the wolves of a rigid job market a lesson that my conformity to his demands destroyed my chances of being part of something bigger?  Is DD's GPA slipping because of the lack of fluidity in its teaching practices or is the demand of the digital age destroying the feeling of personal accomplishment?  Maybe it is because she is not actually being graded upon her academic accomplishments but is being graded solely upon feelings toward her.  There is a sense of feeling a teacher has of a student that pushes a grade level.  Not everything is truly graded upon the end result, but the effort placed, which does include feelings.  Is DH's feeling of failure come from allowing others to decide the fate of his career or is it from my failed attempts of being able to step up?  What one sees as possible, another can see as not an option.  Perceptions do carry weight.

As I read recently, the local school district we live in is taking another hit to its budget.  The chopping board is in place.  It has been mentioned that music, art, and physical education are on the verge of being cut.  While I know that there are benefits to a well rounded education, I see the contradiction in how mismanagement of funds, the increased cost for supplies, the demands for salary increases for teachers, the need to have health care, and the costs of maintaining an institution of education can place a financial burden, but it is upsetting that the only solution to this is to cut and trim out what benefits the children.  Bigger classrooms, less teacher to student ratio, educational demands that offer no fluidity of learning, and now less electives.  These poor children are being set up for failure well before stepping foot in school.  I just wonder how a parent that believed they were doing the right thing allows their child to miss out on the wonders of a good education if the good education is being stripped down to the basic parts that make virtually no sense.

I wonder if my determination to do things differently than my parents has created a path of disappointment and despair.  I do recall being disappointed as a child, but not at the level that I feel as an adult.  Is this what growing up is supposed to be?  Feeling like every moral and ethical thing we were taught being wrong?  I am willing to put in the hard work, but denied the chance?  I just don't get it.  What am I doing wrong?  How do I fix this?  Should I even try?  If the end result will never be where it needs to be... is it worth trying anyway?

Sigh...  I just don't know if I have any more energy to try anymore...

And they lived happily ever after.... NOT!

Last night's State of the Union Address was the biggest fairy tale there ever was!  I actually took the time to listen to what our current president managed to spew out in his State of the Union Address last night.  It appears that the whole Democratic party loves to listen to fairy tales and believe in this supposed "happily ever after" crap with how they were eating up the BS that was shoveled to them .  What I believe is not actually an address to what is going on, the intentions of what needs to be done, and the morale boosting facts that should offer some comfort to the American people is/was nothing short of a campaign speech.  In fact, if it was not my determination to listen to everything said, I would have fallen asleep like a little baby after hearing a happy story about a princess finding her prince and having everyone in the kingdom live happily ever after.  Call me bitter, but we have a moron in the White House....  A well spoken moron.

In what I call the campaign speech for the clueless, we got to hear how we are now needing to pull up the pants of a country that has been obviously raped and take our beatings like a child for not making a difference already.  Apparently, the voice of reason reached the ears of Mr. President's speech writer as he pointed out the obvious that our government sent out jobs to other countries instead of keeping them here.  As he stated that we need to take back what was taken from us in order to regain the wealth we once had... kind of being that baby that takes back their sucker after someone takes it.  I just find it comical at how he thinks we are supposed to actually do this.  His past 3 years created damage that cannot be easily repaired.  Lobbyists and special interest groups have managed to sell the American dream for pennies on the dollar to other countries because it was encouraged.  Items made in America do not come cheap, and since his out of control spending put every red-blooded American on high alert to their own bottom line... nobody can afford to invest into getting the American dream back.  In fact, his speech sounded a lot like the blame is to be placed on us for not doing enough.  He actually brought on the air of being our parent that gave us a "talking to" with the undertone that only he knows best.

Every topic he managed to share in regards to how our economy has managed to "improve" (which I do not see actually happening), and the plans he set forth actually felt like we were a science experiment...  "Lets offer tax relief to people trading in their 'clunker' of a car to buy a new one they really cannot afford to boost up a failing car manufacturer.  So what if I stated I wanted to help the small business owner that owns a repair business or an independently owned auto sales business that sells used cars (both of which cannot sell their work to other countries).  My half-baked idea will create new jobs that do not exist and the people will love me for it."...  EPIC FAIL, MR. PRESIDENT!  Small businesses in the automotive repair business started folding.  Fortunately, DH's garage struggled through that blow, but at a cost that almost lost our house.  We still are struggling financially.  DH fears that the other shoe will drop and we will be screwed royally, so tell me sir, did you really think this through?  I didn't think so.  I also noticed you shot down the plan to get a pipeline from Canada to create more jobs.  Hmmm...  turning down actual work for the American people and actual cost effective energy to this country is not what you want, but we are supposed to work harder if there is no work offered.  That just does not make sense to a simpleton like me, sir.  Could you find a reasonable excuse for that?

The idea of education being important has become the focus of your new 'campaign'.  That a college degree is more important than ever to rebuilding a sold out manufacturing business.  Gee, if you did not spew out that tidbit of information, the already struggling can now spend money they do not have to get a job they desperately need.  Oh, now you think that the colleges and other educational outlets need to cap the costs for an education?  Can you actually guarantee people will get a job after graduating?  I doubt it.

You think taxing the rich will fix this issue?  Sheesh dude!  The rich have access to services that the poor cannot afford.  They are called lawyers and their specialty is to find loopholes in your ideas.  You should know that... you are a lawyer, remember?  How about your comment that threw your party under the bus regarding the start of the economic downfall before you were elected?  Nice!  Apparently, you forgot the hand that fed you your cushy job opportunity.  Oh, that's right.... you probably cut your last vacation short to think that one thoroughly because Eric Holder is from your political party and you sent him out to slaughter.  Is it possible that a Republican bill was against your moral ethical fiber because you did not think this one up yourself?  Heck!  You voted against it when you were a Senator for Illinois, but now you see the light?  I doubt that!

As each supposed "new idea" you have shared, you forgot to realize that this was from your last campaign speech that got you elected in the first place.  Just hot air in a pretty new package.  As your advisers spoon fed you inaccurate information, you stood there with complete conviction that we are improving financially?  Dude, you need to spend a day living my American dream.  I am still trying to find something to help the family finances while keep my promise to my family that I will always be there.  I have spent more time searching for that elusive job that can be flexible enough to still care for my family and make something of a stable additional income that does not require me to hemorrhage money we do not have for going back to college in order to get a job.  Maybe you need to spend a day with DH and see how your half-baked ideas has affected his small business.  We are far from rich, but being taxed out of our home if you keep this up.  Between you and the state, Illinois is broke and its residents are hurting.  Maybe you need to spend a day with my mom and how she struggles to live on social security.  We already know that your retirement package is paid for from our tax dollars, but lets see of you can live on $1200 a month.  Didn't your second in command tell you?  You have him heading a task force to see how the American people are struggling.  Nice waste of tax dollars, if you tell me...  It would be far cheaper and more accurate if you just picked up the phone and asked, but I can tell you love to spend money that is not yours to spend all Willy-Nilly like you have.  15 trillion and counting?  I am so broke, I don't even remember what president's face is on a $100 bill, but you have managed to blow up the budget and put this country in TRILLIONS of debt.  Bill Gates does not even have that much money, but he has managed quite well on his earnings.  Why can't you figure out how to live within the means given?

At least the only semi-redeeming thing that came out of last night was the Republican reply to your campaign speech.  They sought out the weaknesses in your ideas where your fairy tale ending is just that.... a fairy tale ending.  I just wonder if the truly clueless stayed up after your little campaign speech to hear about your flawed ideas to get this country out of its devastating downward spiral.  Probably not because they heard one heck of a fairy tale from you and was too tired to hear the Republican party's reply.

Hanging in there.....

In the memorable words of Chris Farley from the movie Black Sheep...  "Stay strong little roots".  Remember the scene?  Here is a clip to refresh your memory....

I am using this as an example to how I have been feeling lately....

Now, I am not trying to place this in the realm of politics, but it kind of does.  While it has been known that people are struggling everywhere.  The economy's decline, the frustration over politics, the job market, and life in general can easily relate to this little clip.  Here is my little synopsis of how it applies to me....

Back in 2008, small stress fractures in my household's finances started to form.  It was due to lack of communication between DH and I.  As I enabled his inability to deal with the bottom line, and as I dealt with his relaxed attitude over paying himself what he is worth... it created a clash of the minds over how we needed to adjust our budgeting abilities.  Our desire to try to keep our German shepherd, Molly, alive a little longer took a major chunk out of our savings which placed an even stronger stress on our financial standing.  Looking back, if we had to do it all again... spending over 10K in vet bills to try to save our pup...  we would still shell out the cash even though our attempts were not successful.  So, in the beginning of the clip above, that was us in 2008...  Top of the hill and doing fine. or so we thought.

One blind step forward resulted in a deep decline down that hill....  Mr. Barack Obama got elected and promises of "Hope and Change" started to make the ground crumble under our feet.  Stimulus plans set, government bailouts being approved left and right, the greed of corporate America forcing the stress cracks even deeper.  People were getting pissed.  The president starting shooting from the hip what he believed was the solution for the downward tumble...  Universal healthcare, "cash for clunkers", tax payer covered vacation after vacation that resulted in him blaming everyone but himself for the country's woes, back door deals, and broken promises of tax relief.  All of this almost destroyed DH's small business (automotive repair) that Obama stated he wanted to save, but never really thought things thoroughly enough to see the potential damage he was creating while believing he was making a positive difference.  His campaign of hope and change became a Rumpelstiltskin morale of his twisted story ---  We are now hoping to keep the change in our pockets.

The job market crashes.  Huge corporations and small start scrambling to seek out alternatives to staying afloat.  Sending jobs overseas, "thinning the workplace", pay cuts, and streamlining jobs.  Millions lose their jobs.  The job market disappears... hope is all people have to survive.

Then comes along that "little root"...

Some companies start posting jobs.  The pay is far less than the cost of living, but it is something needed in the world of keeping a roof over your head and food in our stomachs.  People are struggling to decide which is more important...  Medicine, food, or shelter because there is not enough money to get it all.  As everyone grabs onto that little root of hope that they stop falling down the hill... that root gives way because the job market is not strong enough to hire just anyone.  You need both on the job experience and a college degree.  Kind of hard to get both if you can only do one to get the other.  You need a job to pay for that college degree, but you need experience in what you are getting a degree for in order to get that job.  Entry level jobs no longer exist, housewives trying to get back into the workplace cannot get hours they desire or even get their foot in the job market to assist in the family finances when the bread winner's pay has been cut or their job has been dissolved.  Housewives cannot afford college, nor get a foot in the job market because being a housewife does not offer (in the eyes of the corporate world), on the job experience.  If there is a job out there, there is hundreds (if not thousands) applying along with them.  Of course, as our president states that family should come first, the jobs that if a housewife can get hired for, require weekends and nights, which put a kibosh on quality family time.  Someone else will get paid to raise your children because you won't be able to.  Kind of kills the idea of actually getting the family finances back in the black if you are spending what you earn to have someone else raise your child for you.

Fast forward to 2012....  We are now embarking on a presidential election year.  Obama's 4 years caused for more damage than good, but there are some people that are grasping tightly to his eloquent speeches and his complaints that the needs of the people cannot be met as along as there are people that refuse to think like him (pushing half-baked ideas).  No longer are people basing his reelection on making history of electing a half white, half black man to break down the racial walls, but seeking out someone with less of a personal agenda and some working knowledge of how to actually do the job.  While people and the mainstream media put forth the need for someone with morale fiber of a saint over their ability to take on full responsibility to fixing our severely damaged financial standing and know how to create a budget that can finally get balanced in a way that it would appear that we can afford to pay back something towards the mismanagement of funds for programs that we actually need and get rid of the money wasting ideas that got us into this mess.  Maybe Obama had something right when he touted "hope and change"... It just was not him to do that.  He could not get past the verbal promise of what people believed would be the case.  I just hope that once we hit the bottom of the hill.... someone else can get us back on top of that hill and keep us there.

Thanks for reading....

Strength in numbers....

This morning, I got ready to take part in yet another preventative exam... my mammogram.  While the concept is uncomfortable, needless to say, it is necessary for a woman my age.  There is a family history of it and in order to be leaning on the safe side, I have made sure I stay current in getting checked annually.

As I stepped into the hospital to check in, I get this overwhelming urge to be even more helpful than usual.  It really is not all that hard to open a door for a person that is in a wheelchair, or offer a hand to someone much older make their way around.  Especially, when hospitals are filled with people that need assistance.  I check in and get prepped for my test, which consists of wearing a hospital gown as a shirt with the closure in the front.  I enter the waiting room filled with other women there for the same reason.  As I scan around the room, you can see the fear and discomfort in their faces.  Tests like these definitely make a woman feel very vulnerable.  The fate of what the results are hang in the balance.  Feeling the need to make this situation a little more comfortable for everyone, I manage to pull out my little comedy spiel over this whole process.  I even cracked a comment or two to lighten the mood about how out parents demanded us to wear a bra and here we sit... braless.  Certainly not a liberating feeling I particularly like.  I managed to ease the tension just a little and all these ladies managed to bond.  Suddenly, the silence was filled with "good luck" mentioned to every one that called in.

One by one, we get called in.  The test, as uncomfortable as it is, takes virtually no time at all.  We get the option to wait for our results, or we can go.  Either way, a copy of the results get mailed to you, but curiosity gets the best of women.  As some high-tailed it out of there, a majority of us stayed behind to wait for our results.

As the camaraderie built among these women, the differences in each one of them became less.  We are equals facing the unknown and hoping only the best for one another.  The discomfort that comes in times like these seemed to disappear and our individual focus opened up to thinking of others.  That vulnerability that was felt as we silently sat there earlier, was washed away.  There was a feeling of empowerment and strength in that group of ladies.  I sure felt it.  I just found it so interesting that all it took was for one person to break the ice wall that surrounded each and every one of us to see such a difference in attitude.  That level of support continued well after I went in for my test and a few new ladies joined the group.

What brought a tear to my eyes was how these women, that never met before, could smile and share their good news while offering hope and support to those still waiting.  I had no doubt that if there was any bad news in the bunch of us, we would offer the support that would be needed to stand up and prepare to fight to live.  Fortunately, there was not one mention of bad news by the time I got my results.  As I got ready to leave, I wished everyone good luck.

If you are interested...  My results were good.  No abnormalities and no signs of cancer.  With a sigh of relief, I am ready to face my day.  The discomfort of feeling like my chest was pressed in a waffle iron will go away, but knowing that I am good health will stay with me a lot longer.

Lesson of the day:  As everyone faces challenges and fear every day, you can take comfort that you are not alone.  There is strength in numbers... use it.

Have you ever....

Have you ever watched a movie that made you think?  Have you ever questioned something that should never be questioned?  Have you ever felt all alone in a crowded room?  Have you ever faced the fear of ridicule from expressing your honest feelings?  Have you ever wondered about the validity of a friendship?  Well.....  Have you?

Yesterday was one of those days when you really so not have as much to do as opposed to the free time to let your mind wander?  I have a very random pattern for those days where you actually have some time to think.  What makes taking the time to dig deeper than the surface so interesting, is that when a person has a fair amount of alone time, their insecurities make their way through the muck and mire of the mundane.  Really, is it really possible that people have tendencies to be insecure when they should embrace their individuality?  Or are there a special group of people that find it easier to tap into areas of the mind that people prefer to keep locked away?

While it is perfectly understandable that everyone has a moment of uncertainty over things, is it possible that this uncertainty makes us more impermeable to true expression?  Or is this something that becomes a life lesson that we are required to always be keeping true feeling "close to the chest", due to less than favorable support or understanding of others?  While I know of quite a few stories of how people are categorized in various stages of acceptance, it makes me wonder if people's acceptance is more vital than self worth.

Think about it.  People are reactive beings.  Actions taken against them, no matter how minuscule, can create such a huge impact upon their ability to act or react.  While it is true that the number of best friends a person has is a small number compared to the run-of-the-mill friends or acquaintances we have in our life.  We categorize levels of tolerance to people we know, we categorize what type of friendship each person we have in our life from co-workers to clients to people we see on the street.  There are times our decision of what we think of a person is only based on first impressions or what we manage to find on the surface.  Respect does not come cheap, nor does trust.  Understanding, on the other hand, really costs nothing, but time.  Sadly, perceptions that were never looked into deeper become the deciding factor if a person is worthy to be a part of your life.  I guess the only way to really fully understand is with going beyond the surface and allow expression to be the subject studied.

Is quantity valued over quality?  Is the desire to have more a sign of greed or is it resulting from lack of self worth?  Is being loved by another your foundation to self worth?  Is acceptance more important than understanding?  Is the value you hold upon yourself based upon only what you can give instead of receive?  Do others make you feel insecure?  Are you in denial?

Smoke and mirrors seem to be so well played by people.  I just wonder....  Have you ever thought about this?

Thanks for reading...  Have a great day !!!

Man's work... Women's work...

Ever notice that when a person is living single, they are perfectly capable of doing things on their own, but turn into noise making machines after they get married?  Here is my little discovery.....

DH has been perfectly capable of doing (what most people call domestic duties) for years.  He knows how the washing machine works, he knows how to fold clothes, he has washed dishes, and I have seen him run a vacuum cleaner.  Before he met me, he was completely self-sufficient.  When we got married, suddenly (and without proper notification), became a 4 year old all over again.  While I, on the other hand, never got the opportunity to be a child again.  It seemed like that awesome chick DH met, ran away and her motherly twin moved in right after saying "I do".  This man regressed into being completely clueless on how to do anything domestic and resorts to the sighs and grunts of displeasure while attempting to do any tasks he is asked to do.  I swear, when I have asked (numerous times over the course of almost 14 years) for him to pick up his darn socks off the floor, or maybe take the initiative to do the dishes after I cooked the meal he enjoyed... he rolls his eyes.

Now, I am still trying to understand how a man refuses to actually remain a man after marriage, but have come to the conclusion that there is something in their DNA that makes them less useful after marriage than before.  While I have heard his explanation that, historically speaking, men are the providers of the family unit as the women are the domestic workers to raising the children and to maintain the man's castle.  As barbaric as that sounds, men believe this to still be a valid reason to refuse assisting in domestic duties.  I have even heard stories that once a man and a woman even live together, men revert back to acting like a child as the woman somehow takes on the duties if she is the mother in this scenario.  Why is that?  I know that in my situation, we tend to have a more traditional role going on.  I do not necessarily agree in all of it, but I have been an enabler of some sorts to the traditional values of being a domestic goddess.  I cook, clean, raise the child we have, run the errands and make home life for DH a bit easier.  In fact, I have managed to take on responsibilities that, in the traditional sense, should not be my responsibility to partake on.... like shoveling snow, lawn work, small repairs, and grilling.  Grilling, you ask?  How is grilling a man's job?  Traditionally speaking, men show their culinary skills by grilling during the summer months since they make it clear that they have difficulties to preparing something in the kitchen unless it is something that they can reheat in the microwave or rely upon an oven to cook a frozen pizza.  At least in my world, it is that way.  Fortunately, DH can boil water or scramble an egg, but if it has more complex ingredients or instructions, he would rather call for delivery or make me prepare it.

As I hear from women that men turn into whining babies when they are not feeling well and demand to be waited upon "hand over foot", I also hear that men complain that women become smothering control freaks.  Kind of makes it difficult to regain that spark a couple once had when there is conflicting demands and perceptions.  I guess that is why the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest.  What one sees as acceptable, the other disagrees.  For women, it is a challenge to make things work, compared to men, who would rather walk away, and in the middle....  the awesome person you fell in love with seems to disappear.  Oh, you still feel love for that person, but no longer that awe inspiring, vision clogging love that got you to get married in the first place.  While I can attest to what a woman thinks....  It is something that affects us immensely into trying harder while the male counterpart, tries less.  I can only guess that the saying our mothers claimed about "cows and the concept of buying vs getting it for free".

Now, this past weekend, for me, was okay.  Nothing exciting happening here.  My washing machine (that has been broke for a while, apparently), has not gotten fixed, DH spent his weekend napping on and off on the recliner, DD has a cold that might require seeing the doctor (which DH did not push to take her there when I was at work so I will most likely be taking her today or tomorrow), and my back spasms from shoveling snow last week really screwed up my sleeping patterns thus making me feel quite tired.  I think the only educational thing that happened this weekend is DH's interest in watching a "How its made" marathon on TV.  Usually, I am not a big fan of Mondays, but after the "snore fest" that I had over the weekend, I am actually glad to get back to my traditional mundane lifestyle of cooking and cleaning in peace.  DD and her preteen angst prefers to stay in her room since it is a scheduled day off from school (Martin Luther King day), it actually feels like another ordinary day to me.  So to those that have not passed the 5 year mark on their marriage, or is just frustrated at the lack of help from your male counterpart....  Eventually, he will make things so boring that you will actually look forward to doing those things you have grown to loathe.  Just hang in there and don't bother rocking the boat...  I have and DH actually did the dishes after dinner last night, so there is hope.... not a lot, but there is hope.....

I am far from hibernating.....

Hello!  As I watched the news this afternoon, I paid close attention to the weather forecast.  We have been having a really mild winter and today feels more like Spring than the actual season... Winter.  For months, we have been getting warned that this winter will be just as bad, if not worse, than last year.  If you recall, we had a blizzard almost a year ago with drifts nearing or exceeding 4 feet in height.  Suburban life was at a standstill while people dug their way out of the exceedingly deep blanket of snow that hit in a 24 hour period.  Hearing that regardless of today's high of 50 degrees with sun and blue skies is going to change into a dreary and cold day with snow by tomorrow makes it something that cannot be ignored.  While Meteorologists are never 100% accurate, we do tend to take their word for it with a grain of salt.  After hearing about the first actual hit of some snow that will stick around for a while, I checked on my arsenal of shovels and feel fairly confident that I am as prepared as I can be.  4-6 inches of snow may not seem like a lot, but when you see weather switch gears from "reasonably mild" to "cold and snow covered" in a short period of time, you look at this as something to pay attention to.

Since finally getting the fire under my tush to be less of a dieting couch potato and actually do more to see that scale move faster, I have been hitting the gym this week.  I have even been the good little weight watcher and started to be at 100% honest in my tracking abilities to keep track of what I actually ate.  The holidays made it far too easy to "forget" a few things here and there.  Even if I did not track it, it did count.  Even if I wanted to believe that if it was not tracked, it did not happen, thus not counting.  That train of thought gave me a brutal slap in the face when I stepped on the scale after all of the festivities (the worst offender was DD's birthday sleepover...  Darn cupcakes!).  Learned a valuable lesson that should keep my ability to overdo things in check when after a long break from exercising, you cannot just jump back in at the level you were when you left....  Hurt like hell after Monday's visit.  At least I did go back today and with a new plan in place, and did quite well.  I know I will feel it tomorrow, but as the saying goes... "no pain, no gain", right?  Hopefully the "pain" creates a loss of some baked goods that are on my body and not an actual "gain" on the scale.

With this new plan in place, I will be getting in more exercise than planned since there is supposed to be snow tomorrow and shoveling is considered an exercise.  Maybe this is a blessing, but I am already getting stiff from my earlier visit to the gym today and the full effects will not be here until tomorrow.  Oh well, I am taking my own advise and "sucking it up and being a 'man' about it".  Yep, no whining from this 'peanut gallery', just acceptance.  This winter was supposed to be my semi-hibernation period with the only exercise being my random need for shoveling the driveway...  not anymore.  I am far from letting myself be the 'hibernating bear' this year.  Okay winter...  I am as ready as I will ever be, so... let it snow.

Killing frustration with comedic anecdotes.....

Ever been to the same doctor for 14 years and figured that they know enough about you, but still get asked questions that make it really hard to recall the exact moment it happened?  Come on, people!  I am lucky I remembered what I ate for dinner last night, but you think I have enough room in my memory banks to remember my first experience of anything and everything?  I put those things out of my mind for a reason, ya know.  I swear, the questionnaire at the Gynecologists office is possibly the most invasive tap into things that are never shared in mixed company.  If you have not been blessed with this experience, let me clue you all in on the insanity that makes me question this medical field, as well as any others that we have managed to experience in our lifetime....

Going to your internist has questions like... family history, current concerns, and a required list of any current medications.  I always wondered why they need to know when my last menstrual cycle was in that mix.  It almost sounds like if they are curious if I enjoyed being bloated, suffering cramps and those oh-so-fun mood swings.  If you would ask, I would tell you that if getting kicked in the gut is fun... then, I had a blast!

Going to the dentist has questions like the internist, but fortunately they do not ask about a monthly cycle.  I believe they enjoy the completely helpless position we are in and try to carry a conversation with someone while getting your teeth drilled.  Well, that and being that nagging voice in your head about dental floss.

Men and women have different annual physicals.  In one angle of light, they are similar, but they really are not.  Internists, do more for men than women in the arena of a physical.  They get a little grab below the waist with the command to turn your head and cough, while women are sent from one specialist to another.  Here is our short list of specialists....  A Gynecologist and a Mammogram specialist.  Two places women dread, but go willingly because we have to in order to remain healthy.  The Gynecologist is the most invasive experience where the patient is awake and alert.  Then in a nice close second is the Mammogram technician.  Remember, these are the specialists that we deal with most and I am not even tapping into the wonderful world of Colon Specialists that scope where nobody can or should ever see...  just the ones that scrape the surface of feeling violated.  Their questions before getting anything done sound like soft core porn questions for Hustler magazine.  They just do not ask what your hobbies are or what your "ideal date" would be.  Questions about when you have your "monthly cycle", how long did it last, when was your first sexual encounter, and how many encounters you have had in your lifetime with different people.  Talk about tapping into what women prefer to remove from their memory banks.  Too few encounters with even fewer people makes you look like a prude, too many makes you look like a slut, but after 'owning up' to your sexual appetite makes you question things like if you are repulsive, desirable or easy.  Talk about a major confidence crusher.  Either end result makes a woman think.  Makes me wonder why they ask every year when it is that time to get your physical...  Is it to see if you are sticking to your story from year to year?  Or is it just sick curiosity to compare notes on what is considered average?  The doctor's assistant had the gall to ask me if I have an active sex life...  I told her that it is none of her business.  I guarantee you... men do not get these questions when it is time for their physical.  If that was the case, then men would be puffing out their chests and holding their head up high after getting their "turn your head and cough" experience because the more you have... the bigger player you are.  Of course, the embarrassment does not stop at the questionnaire for us ladies...  We are placed in a completely uncomfortable and vulnerable position to be checked.... and we get to do something similar again at a later date....  A mammogram.

Yep, that evil devise that offers the nipple pinch that sucks the wind out of any woman's lungs.  That evil woman-hating mastermind created a devise that squishes a woman's breast tissue to the thinness of a piece of paper.  Simple procedure, yet so embarrassing.....  Place your chest between these two plates and have a complete stranger fiddle with the placement to have this machine clamp down so hard that the natural response is to try to pull away while being told to hold your breath so you do not make the image 'fuzzy'.  Breathing is not an option if the pain literally sucks the will to breathe out of you...  and you get to do this not once, or twice....  you get to do this 3 times a side.  men, just get one good grab, women get a total of 6.  And while you get to pose for this torture chamber, you also get to twist in ways that even Gumby has an issue with because "proper placement is key".  After having this embarrassment in front of a complete stranger should have the scaring ability to remain with you until you die, you get to do this again next year....  Oh joy!

I even recall when I gave birth to my darling daughter.  The idea of privacy no longer applies when you are checked in a place you cannot see without the aid of a well positioned mirror by strangers at random times while in labor.  Of course, go into labor right when a young, good looking paramedic needs to witness what child birth is all about and you would want to cover your head with the blanket until it is all over.  Fortunately, I never saw the hunky paramedic ever again, but if I did.... I would definitely would not want to be remembered by the visual of where a baby comes out of.  Childbirth is supposed to be a beautiful thing, but not from my angle of perception.

So correct me if I am wrong, but doesn't it sound like women get the raw end of the deal when it comes to physicals?  What did we do to deserve this?  Now, off to consider having a beer to drown down the embarrassed feeling I am having.....

Going to where I loathe to go....

Yep, today I went to where I loathe to go.... the gym.  I do recall a time I liked going there and wondered what was I on to like this place because I would love to get that desire to go there again.  I know that I blogged earlier today, but never thought of sharing what my first day back at the "sweat shop" was going to be like....  Well, until now....

After doing my morning blog over needing to get a swift kick in the backside over how I am struggling at losing some much needed weight, I decided that I needed to "move more", according to the WW lifestyle.  I figured that I will just go back and pick up where I left off at that gym.  I ate a really light lunch since I was not all that hungry, but knew I had to have some fuel to make it through my workout, packed my water, borrowed DH's headset since I could not find mine, charged my iPod as I got ready, grabbed by purse and left.... sans iPod.  After taking the 20 minutes (hitting every red light along the way), I park my truck and grab my stuff to find that I left my iPod at home.  Cussing ans swearing as I trek back home and get my iPod, I also grabbed my Kindle for a little reading while on the treadmill.  Another 20 minute drive later (somehow hitting every red light again), I park and walk in with everything I needed.  I show the front desk my membership card and head straight for the gym.  Apparently, in my year off from the gym, they remodeled and I could not figure my way around there to find the lockers in the gym area.  After asking for directions, I turn on my Kindle, sign into their wireless network, and headed for the treadmills.  I punched in my intended goal for the day and started walking.  Stupid me, set the machine on "fat burn" instead of "random" and ended up on an incline that made it hard to hold on so my pulse rate was in the respective zone.  As I tried to read my Kindle, I ended up turning the pages with my nose, thus looking like a moron.  Blocking out what others might be thinking, I made it through my 35 minute warm up and headed for the weights.  I got my previous workout sheets out and figured that I could just continue where I left off to learn rather quickly that my treadmill journey burned off the calories that I ate for lunch that I had before heading to the gym.  Lacking the fuel to do much more, I tried to follow the weightlifting regime that I have not done in a long time and ended up feeling quite dizzy and weak.  I sighed as I decided that pushing myself any harder will result in injury, I cut my weight lifting portion short and decide to head for home, not soon enough to avoid hearing my back snap and pop on one of the machines.

As I wearily head back to my car, I go home to have a snack and melt into a chair for a bit.  Feeling better, I realized that I need to dial back from what I used to do and just start off lighter and build back to where I was.  Now, all I need to do is just hope and pray that the little snap and pop in my back does not cause for a new round of midnight back spasms.  The tightness I am feeling now will go away, but get a spasm and I will be really mad.  Also, remember to eat more before working out.  That treadmill burned every calorie I ate before I could do anything else.  I hate being lightheaded and dizzy after working out because that does not show me that working out is something to increase energy if I end up on the floor after doing it.

Well, off to change my workout regime since I do not see myself hitting that place every day right now.

Giving myself a swift kick....

Good morning!  Resolutions in place should have started over a week ago, so I felt I could share my what I managed to do.  For years, I kept my resolution to never make another New Years Resolution.  I did quite well when it is something that is quite easy to do.  To me, resolutions were just something you end up breaking after a week or two because even if the intentions were sincere, we all seem to be wired to fail.  I have no doubt that there are some people that have a strong enough resolve to follow through, but when it comes to me.... I am a major failure in progress; the saboteur of my goals.

While I have tried feverishly to avoid mentioning anything about my struggles with weight loss and my desire to shed this "fat suit" that I have donned for years.  Well, today is going to be a day of breaking that promise, and sadly breaking my "never to make another resolution"-resolution from roughly 5 years back.  I decided that it is time to face the music and own up to making a resolution this year.  Sadly, at the rate that this journey has been.... it will probably be my resolution for the next couple of years until I finally get there.  Yep, I am resolving to get to what I see is my goal weight....  Getting to the level of what the AMA sees as the ideal weight according to the BMI calculations from my height and gender is a one way ticket to becoming anorexic.  Really, who thought that nonsense up that you have to be a certain weight to be considered healthy?  Shouldn't it be more important to pay attention to other factors than height and gender -- like, bone structure, muscle mass, and bone density?  Why does everything have to come down to a number; a number on the scale and a certain size?  Also, what makes them (the medical world) think that looking anorexic is actually healthy?  I guess they never thought much about what the insides of a person should weigh because if I was to hit that weight, I would be a layer of skin over a bone structure and possibly have most of my organs functioning.  Also, what ticks me off is the concept of what is beautiful.  Apparently, looking malnourished is all the rage when I do recall that back in the day, having curves was what was pretty.

Okay, okay...  back to my intended resolution to release the skinny chick out of this fat suit.  While my intentions are pure, I have the attention span of a gnat at getting there.  Probably because I am emotional person.  Emotions are what fuel me to do what I do.  I write when I feel the need, I eat because I desire to survive, and sometimes I eat to fill a void that I have in my soul.  What I choose to eat is never right, and with this journey that I have taken on Weight Watchers, I am struggling to conform.  I have to keep reminding myself that this is supposed to be a lifestyle change, but I am seeing it as a diet, nonetheless.  Whenever I hear the word 'diet', the first word that comes to mind is deprivation.  Depriving myself of foods I love, eating things I loathe and exercising like mindless drone when I have better things to do.  While some people live like this without much thought, I, on the other hand, do not.

Thinking that Weight Watchers is my learning tool and that the eating plan/diet is something that can work just fine on its own, I have tried to let the eating do all the work.  I know that I have to exercise more, but I figured that I am active enough.  Obviously, I thought wrong and now I have to muster up the desire to go to a place that I have loathed for years.... the gym.  Eating right only got me to lose roughly 20 pounds and the past month has proven that this is as far as I can go unless I get up off my lazy backside and do something extra in my already filled day.  I know that I can set aside a little time to do this, but in all honesty... I really am not all that interested in changing my scheduling to do so.  A 20 pound loss should be something to celebrate, but when you have as much as I need to lose, it is not.  What is more disheartening is that it took me since August to get to where I am now....  5 months to lose 20 pounds?  I am too impatient to accept this as a good thing.  I just fear that my determination and that swift kick to my backside will result in me overdoing things and hurting myself in the process.  I just hope that my resolve to get this 'diet' to work will hamper my desire to go completely overboard and cause more harm than good.  I guess it is the right time to at least try.

I can only attest to my renewed sense of duty on this journey because after the celebratory season has finally come to a close (Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and two birthday celebrations (DH & DD's) and I can finally really put 100% focus on me again.  Well, that and the few pounds I gained over the past couple of weeks sure put a fire under my tush to change things up.  Wish me luck, folks, and I apologize for the whining about my weight on this blog.  I have another blog set up just for my weight loss journey and I have been slacking on writing there.  Time to get my head back on straight and make 2012 the year that I can be proud of.

Thanks for reading :)

The Fruity Mistake....

I have a little public service announcement that will come in handy of you ever get the opportunity to do what I did today.....

Everyone has a time in their lives that we tend to follow the fads of diets to lose those few pounds that can make us feel one notch above feeling like a beached whale.  I am no exception.  Now, Weight Watchers is not really a "diet" as it is a learning tool for a lifestyle change for the better.  Sadly, the road to graduating from terrible eater to a healthy one has its ups and downs.  During the journey, we try to do things that we never would normally do on our dizziest days because as the saying goes... "if it aint broke... don't fix it".  Sometimes, change is necessary for health reasons, but learning your limitations should be first on that "to do list" of making a lifelong change for the better.

There is a common link that products like Alli (the diet supplement) and the components that make sugar free candy - sugar free- when it comes to a person's digestive tract.  A dear friend made the best analogy that products that can create diarrhea because of food choices is like the "dog clicker" method to never do that again.  Alli, blocks fat from entering the body and if you eat too much fat... well, what you ate will pass through you like greased pig through a tube.  Same goes for sugar free candy...  eat too much and you will be spending the day in your bathroom.  Both things will offer you a little "nudge" that you made a major miscalculation in judgement with gas pain, cramping and an overwhelming fear that bodily functions can happen without anny effort... ie diarreah.

That is what my dietary journey took me to today.  No, I did not take the dietary supplement Alli.  I accidentally overindulged in the Weight Watcher sugar free treat called "fruities", and now I am getting punished for it.....

After scarfing down breakfast, I went along with my usual running of the errands.  I dropped off DD at school, called the chiropractor to get an emergency adjustment, did a little shopping for DD's upcoming sleepover event and called DD's doctor to make an appointment to get her ears cleaned out.  (crazy kid uses ear-buds with her mp3 player and jammed the wax in her ears to where she is having difficulty hearing anything)  As the doctor's office goes through its "protocol" of making me talk to a nurse before I can be allowed to make the appointment, I get an appointment for her for today at 11:00.  Not leaving much time to have my mid-morning snack since my breakfast consisted of just a small bowl of cereal, I raced through the errands I needed to do, picked up DD from school and race her off to see the doctor.  By the time we get to the doctor's office, I am absolutely famished and look into my purse, lovingly called the black hole, for something to keep my hunger at bay.  Poor planning on my part left me nothing but those little fruit snacks from Weight Watchers.  As famished as I was, I figured that if I had just a few pieces, I should make it through the not so surprisingly long wait at the doctor's office and get some much needed lunch.  Knowing that if I overindulge, I will get that "dog clicker" result, so I thought I was paying attention to how much I had.  Obviously, I didn't.

After an hour at the doctor's office, I take DD to Subway for a sandwich since it is lunch time.  We order our sandwiches and sat down to eat.  Apparently, I forgot that there is a period of time that the "dog clicker" effects need to brew inside my digestive system and loaded my sandwich with all that healthy whole grain and vegetable goodness that also causes gas in people.  I was trying to follow the Weight Watcher credo... "eat your fruit and vegetables every day", and just added on more gas in my system that if I did not eat the sandwich, already had a taxing effect from those darn "fruities".  Feeling quite ill, and oddly enough a growl came from my stomach.  Then it occurs to me that if I even think of passing gas, I just might "soil myself" for my mindless choices.

Luckily, I got DD back to school, high-tailed it home and made it to the sanctuary that I call my bathroom.  What really sucks is that now I am going to be on a very short leash from my bathroom until the effects of what I did finally wear off.  What a waste of a beautiful day outside...

Why I hate politics.....

Good morning.  Feeling a little politically overloaded this morning.  After the confetti settled from the New Years festivities, the mainstream media is managing to fit in more and more political commentaries.  Gotta just love the questions the newscasters are throwing out there to make every political candidate hopeful look like 5-year old children fighting over who's daddy can beat up who's daddy.  All the while, we are getting peppered with more Obama "face time" with speeches that lead to nowhere.  That man, I believe, was the sacrificial lamb offered to be slaughtered by the Democratic Party.  This man has no clue how to do his job, and what he has managed to do is be a "yes man" to every lobbyist and bad idea, all the while, blaming everyone except himself over his incompetence.  What an interesting way to get the American people interested in politics again....  Elect some incompetent schmuck, allow him to make bad decisions, push through half-thought out ideas, and take loads of vacations.

While I do not think I could do any better because I have no political experience, I can definitely see room for improvement.  Thank goodness this is an election year, right?  This is where I have my serious doubts.  Watching the debates, paying attention to the one of many caucuses and wondering what the primaries hold, I see a group of Presidential hopefuls being less than professional.  In all honesty, I fear that regardless of who gets to live in the huge white rental in Pennsylvania Avenue is going to be far from what we need to give this struggling economy a swift, and effective, kick in the ass.  Really, who is capable of fixing the damage of the past 3 years Obama has had the reigns and remain focused that they are actually working for the American people and not their own personal agenda?

Heck, the "dog and pony" show that is required to be seen as a Presidential hopeful should cause for great concern.  Obama's "face time" sure is not cementing him a reelection.  You have to realize that the process to get anything done rests between the houses of government and even those schmucks refuse to agree on anything.  Watching the whole political process that has been televised reminds me of some nature show on National Geographic where the male species flex and show off to get the attention of the female in heat....  Remember the clashing of heads in a battle to be on top?  There you have it.  We have not evolved all that much if low-blows are what get you ahead in life.  Believe me, there is greed in "them thare hills".  No, we are not greedy... just everyone else, right?  I guess that is where the battle between Socialist and Communist comes to play....  Socialists believe that there is no equality in the races because of effort made to acclaim their wealth, while Communists believe in equal shares regardless of effort.  Kind of being graded from the average of the whole group taking the same test.  The ones that studied get a lower grade because the ones that did not study failed miserably, thus lowering the average.  While we tend to agree with both, we would prefer to earn the right to be better off than others because of the effort we put in.  All it usually takes is having one lazy person take from you what you earned to see that.  I believe in fairness, but sadly, our current President has placed the communist bug in the ears of those not willing to pull them up by the boot straps and those lemmings have followed his pipe dream right into devastation by electing him.

Now we have an ever growing number of really confused and ticked off people.  There is most likely a large number of people that believed in Obama's communist pipe dream of a better America is finally waking up from that la-la land and really needing a change for the better.  Which way will they go?  The Republican hopefuls are promising "less government" to fix the problem, deeper spending cuts to try to balance an out of control economy, and trying to instill the need for more Socialist qualities by getting those jobs that were shipped out to other countries back in the reach of Americans.  Sadly, the electoral college will swing those votes of popularity as they see fit and that whole concept of "one man, one vote speaking volumes" will be silenced once again....  That is what I fear.  Well that and the no guarantee that what gets promised once elected gets done because everyone has their own personal agenda that nobody really knows about.

Why am I so adamant about things getting better?  I went out to lunch with my mom yesterday at Chili's and as we waited to be seated in a virtually empty restaurant, and waited for the waitress to come to take our order...  There, sitting on the table, is a kiosk where you can place your own order.  Gee, I wonder if the pride in working in a restaurant has died down to just schlepping food with virtually no interaction with people?  Sure felt that way.  I forgot to look and see where this "virtual waitress" was made.... probably China....  Another job being downsized because our economy stinks.....  Darn politics!

Hurry up and wait.....

Ever notice our patience level varies at different ages?  Patience is what makes the heart grow fonder, right?  Apparently not.  Life's milestones should be moments that we allow to arrive when they are to arrive, not sooner, not later.  Think about it....

When we are just mere children... you know, the age where you are not allowed to do anything "cool" like drive a car, stay up late, go to a "R" rated movie, or even have a beer.  It all depends upon what we desired back then.  Being the youngest of four kids, I can honestly attest to the idea that I was quite impatient for some things. Seeing my older siblings getting freedoms that I wished I could do really frustrated me.  As I wished that time moved faster so I could do what they were allowed to do, time never was fast enough.  I do find it comical, that as we get to certain milestones, they seem to go past in a blink of an eye.  Waiting to turn 16, pushing time to make it to 21, saying "whoa" to getting 30, and screaming "holy crap" when I hit 40.  Where did the time go?  I do not think I got to enjoy any of those milestones long enough as time pushes us forward.  I know that I have some time (roughly 6-1/2 years) before the big 5-0 hits, but am I really ready to face getting even older if I feel that I am missing out on what I pushed time being impatient for?  I mean, I drive a car, but the appreciation for the privilege died off faster than it took to get there.  I have seen an "R" rated film, was it really as exciting as it should have been as I pushed to get old enough to go?  I have had a beer (or two) and have been in a few bars, but where is the excitement that I longed for to race time to get to that point?  Staying up or staying out late is something I have managed to experience, but why is it as I got older, the desire to do that has become more of a hindrance than an asset?  I hated naps as a kid, now I actually look forward to the opportunity?  What is that all about?  I have been hurrying up to wait... that is what it is.

Now, hurrying up to wait comes in many packages.  Some more frustrating than others.  As I went to take DD to school because she was running late, I noticed a lot, and I mean a lot, of people pushing their foot so hard on the gas pedal just to slam on the brakes just as hard.  Really?  Is it worth making a drive from point 'A' to point 'B' a NASCAR event?  Tailgating someone with hopes that either the road offers an opening to fly around or that "slow poke" in front of them will finally speed up is so common, yet so comical when once they get an open spot to really fly past people, they are hit with a red light and are required to stop.  Talk about efforts falling short.  I happen to have a hurry up and wait scenario that has been moving at a snails pace for the past few years.  The "skinny" person inside of me is screaming to be seen and I have tried doing everything right to lose the weight, but become so frustrated that it is not falling off faster.  I wanted to get thin, like yesterday, but I am still staggering out of the starting block as I see it.  As I think about it, I am kind of like that insane driver racing to get somewhere, just to slam on the brakes when things start moving.  I just wonder....  when I do get to my determined destination (like that insane driver)...  then what?  Chances are, their point 'A' has also a point 'B', point 'C', point 'D', and so forth.

I can only say that it is fine timing to actually take the foot off the gas pedal in life and actually take the time to enjoy what it has to offer... to actually admire the sights along the way.  As I watched DD step out of my truck this morning to hurry off to school, I realized that she is no longer that baby that kept me up at nights, fought every step of the way to learn from me how to eat, use the potty, and walk.  Time seems to be really flying in my eyes....  Before I know it... she will be all grown, independent and on her own.  I can only hope that I can teach her one thing... to not hurry up life to wish you can make it wait when you get my age.

The elusive advice giver.....

Everyone has a friend or family member that offers advise all the time, and I mean all...the...time...  I can only gather that these people are constantly on "fix it" mode whenever they hear someone speak.  It makes me wonder if they really ever followed their own advise.

Just recently... well, not all that recently...  I have noticed that I tend to vent a lot more than I used to.  Back in the day, I used to call these venting moments the "Negative Nancy Phase".  I was not actually looking for a solution to the problem(s) from the people I vented to, I just needed to let loose a little steam so I can figure what words I would like to use to get the situation to change or figure a way to accept/embrace the annoyance.  I see that people are capable of doing things... hurtful things... and not even know that they did that.  It is all in the perception of what is brought to your attention.  Some people manage to act without thinking and I see that as a recipe for disaster.  Albeit, it is a great concept to have an idea that you think is great, but fall really short at looking at all the different variations of end result.  I have one example regarding this....

Our current President had the glorious idea to make health insurance available to everyone, regardless of preexisting conditions.  The concept is nice, but it was not all that well thought out as he pushed for his health care reform bill into action.  Private insurance companies were told that they were to offer coverage to people that are more a liability than an asset.  You see, any business dreams of having a company that makes money and never has to pay out.  Insurance companies are the one company that blatantly show that trait.  The only time a person is considered an asset in the insurance world is if they never make a claim and continue to pay their premiums on time.  Now, think about this... because our government did not think this through...  Insurance companies are required to offer coverage to every person, but it was not stated that the cost to have insurance would be a reasonable one.  Insurance companies are allowed to raise premiums to unbelievable new highs and coverage to an ever sinking low because they are required to cover everyone.  Our president figured that we needed insurance, which we do, but did not cap the premiums that the insurance companies are charging the people of whom they are required to cover.  Coverage is coverage, right?  Who cares that you would need a down comforter in the winter if all you are given is a thin sheet.  You have something to cover you and that is required by law.  Not at the level that you need or should get, but there it is.

I guess that is where I wonder where these "advise givers" get their advice skills.  Have they actually followed their own advice and had it end favorably?  There are way too many variances in place when advice is given.  First and foremost is the situation that you are in.  Is demanding more when there is no more to offer a good idea?  Secondly, is the person(s) you are having the issue with accepting of criticism and willing to change?  Perceptions of what is considered an issue does look different from one person to the next.  And thirdly, if you get a demand met, is it going to be all that you asked for or is it some kind-of Rumpelstiltskin-esque twist that you did not ask for.  Anyone can say that they are going to do as asked, but not necessarily in the manner of which you thought it should be done.  Also, what if your demands cause a rift in the continuity or fluidity for what was considered working just fine?  I have one example of that...

Giving DH the checkbook to handle the bills did relinquish me from the responsibility, but it totally cut me off from making any executive decisions.  Believe me, I was at my wits end in arguing over finances for years with him.  I figured that if he got a taste of his nonchalant outlook on getting paid whenever and the bills that demanded their attention, he would see things my way.  Apparently, it did the complete opposite.  The way that DH is handling the bills actually makes me grind my teeth and bite my nails.

Now, I have yet another problem and fear that any advise would fare less than expected.  I have hit my breaking point when it comes to my domestic duties.  I live with two people that act no less than privileged.  I know that I have enabled their behavior.  Last night, while cooking dinner, I stepped away for a few minutes to take care of something else.  DH was asleep on the couch, DD was tuning out the world in her room with her mp3 player and the computer.  In that whole two minutes I was away from the kitchen, DH wakes up and yells at me that dinner is going to burn.  Now, any other person would turn the stove off if they believed that dinner was about to burn.  Apparently, that is not the case in my house.  I get told how to do things, but never get actual help by doing it themselves.  DD is aware that her sleepover is not going to happen if her room is a pigsty, but knows that mom will break down and clean it for her.  DH announces that he is running out of clean socks, but refuses to pick up the pile of dirty ones and put it in the laundry room for me to wash them or even wash them himself.  I remember when I was really sick and unable to cook or clean since I was in dire need of rest.  Getting the questions thrown at me about "when is dinner and what are we having" could easily be avoided if they offer to do something instead of nag.  I snapped that day and really put DH out of his comfort zone to go to the store and get a frozen pizza to cook, cook it and eat it for dinner.  Really?  Do I need to be a total B.I.T.C.H every time they need to do something for themselves in this house?  Now, if I take the advice that was given to me to make them fend for themselves, I will most likely be dealing with a starving, filthy clothes wearing and miserable pair of people that refuse to take responsibility by the horns and will... and I mean will... burn, bleach, ruin and destroy the house to convince me that I can never leave nor ever stop all the hard work I put in every day because they are more stubborn than me.  Maybe I should turn the tables and ask for advise from the ones that create the need I have for seeking advice and see if they would take it and run with it when I offer it back at them.  HA!  I think I solved my problems...  Well, maybe it would cause more.  I guess it never hurts to try, right?

Party planning mom.....

Happy New Year everyone!  I hope you all were safe while having fun.

Parties are something I usually do not do all that well at.  Going to them?  Sure, I can whoop it up with the best of them.  Planning a party?  Well, I have great ideas, but no capital to back up my plans.  Running a party?  HA!  That is where I seem to lack talent.  I like to let parties go as they may.  I offer entertainment by either having people watch my clumsy nature or I will have other things around.  I am not one to grab the attention and be the center of it.  I like to call myself the one that makes things happen without doing all that much.  People entertain themselves quite easily, so when I throw a gathering, I make sure that I have a good mix of people that are capable of entertaining themselves.

As DD is getting to be a year older in less than a week, I agreed to letting her have a sleepover party.  As I look back on agreeing to this, I am currently wondering if I was on any medications when I agreed.  Oh my goodness!  What was I thinking??  I do not hang out with DD's friends, I really have no clue what stage or phase they are all in to figure how to make her birthday "one for the books".  You see, DD's friends have vivid imaginations with parents that do not have financial limitations.  A few of these birthday parties that DD has attended ranged from "an evening of skating", to bowling parties, to overnight stays at a hotel that has a pool.  While, I have tried to make her previous birthday parties fun, I have used various outlets of entertainment....  Chuck E Cheese was the first of many planned events when she was young.  I figured it went well, but you can tell that parties like that are lame.  I ventured into sport themed parties through the park district.  It offered entertainment, but with such a vast number of different personalities, I did not see it go as smoothly as it should.  I even had a few parties thrown at DD's Taekwondo school.  They were okay, but there comes a time when you just need to suck it up and plan something that surrounds what kids her age like to do.  Apparently, the big thing is sleepover parties.  Okay, I know that the concept is to not really sleep, but being a woman of my age... these kids are gonna sleep if it kills me.

DH agreed to let DD have a sleepover on her birthday weekend.  I still have not figured what is going through DH's head after he agreed to having a bunch of girls sleeping over.  I do not think he really thought this through, but probably figured that I can pull a rabbit out of my hat and make this fun for them and completely controlled so DH has to do nothing.  DD is his world and is willing to give her anything she wants.  No, not like the pushover like Veruca Salt's daddy was in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but he is quite accommodating to DD's demands.... within reason.  I fear that I will be saying "suck it up and deal" to DH at least a half dozen times over the course of next weekend.  Being non-confrontational that I tend to be, I will need to muster the courage to do so anyway.

As I printed up the invites, set the limited number to 4 friends since my house is really not all that big to accommodate more than that, and already have some activities in line.  I am silently suffering the little details of timing.  I am going to be the chauffeur, the maid, the cook and the party planner through all of this.  I am just not sure that I can pull this party off without a hitch.  I have no clue if these kids are going to be here on time, if there is any special dietary request that I can accommodate for, and I really hate scheduling the time limits for each event.  Let me give you a little 4-1-1 on what I have planned so far....

Kids arrive at 5pm, dinner is served by 5:15pm (which consists of a HUGE sandwich that will look like a 3-tier cake, chips and drinks), a mini makeover event will start to commence by 6pm (thus offering 1 hour of primping and pampering with makeup, hair accessories and nail polish), then round up the troops and head to the local roller rink for some skating for 2 hours, and head back home to a cupcake decorating event, popcorn and a movie from Netflix.  Hopefully, I can pull all of this off before 10pm because I know that at least 1 kid will have to be driven home because her parents do not let their kids sleep over at anyone's house. Chances are, by 10pm, they should be worn out enough to consider sleeping because DH will be spent.  Come the following morning, I am offering breakfast and then they are all to go to their respective homes.  After that, I get to muster up the energy to deal with a sleep deprived daughter, a slightly cranky husband (because I know that there will not be much sleeping going on), to get the grocery shopping done for the week and maybe... just maybe after that... I can crash on the couch because I will be spent by then.  I know that we will be missing church, but it is a price we are paying to have a sleepover and try to rest up for yet another week of work/school.

After thinking so much about what they are going to be doing, I forgot to figure out how to decorate for this event.  My goodness!  Being a preteen is no picnic because there is really no "theme" to this party.  YIKES!  I need to get some inspiration really quick if this party is worthy of DD's approval.....  No wonder I have difficulties making parties.....