Blogger's block.....

Good morning!  I am suffering a serious case of "blogger's block" today....  You know what I mean, right?  It is like "writer's block", except I am not writing a novel... just a blog.  So, in my finest effort of doing a little mental flossing, I figured I would let a few thoughts fly for today's blog....

My house is in utter chaos and I have zero motivation to do a darn thing about it, I am reading a book that holds no interest in it for me, but I am determined to read it anyway, and I am trying to get psyched up for yet another round of..."will I ever succeed at dieting and exercising", come the new year since I am seriously lacking the motivation to see myself fail at losing weight.  Nice double negative on that last thought, huh?  Oh heck, I could turn it around and make it sound like a double positive of succeeding at gaining weight, except I am a woman and being on a perpetual diet is ingrained in our DNA.  Salads are supposed to be our best friend, ya know.  Along with that cereal that looks like bird seed (and probably is) because of its health benefits, and chocolate being a curse word that should never be spoken (nor eaten)....  I am already seeing the loopholes my mind is trying to conjure up to sabotage my valiant efforts.  Sadly, after a round of Weight Watchers meetings, it has been drilled into my head what the nutritional value (along with its Weight Watchers "points" value), I am a walking and talking train wreck that needs to embrace the word "no" to everything that remotely tastes good and try to embrace the word "yes" to food that borders upon hospital grade paste; tasteless and supposedly good for you.  Just add in a few other factors of feeding a pair pf picky eaters and a budget so tight that it can choke a horse and there you have it.... a recipe for misery.  Oh sure, I can exercise off those poor choices of food, but I never saw myself as a hamster chained to an exercise wheel with a tasty tidbit of food dangling from a string, just out of my reach to keep me going.  I never really found much fun in that.  I am quite active with doing other things and sadly, according to the plethora of metaphors that describe my body shape, it is not enough.

Between the descriptive words that I could use to describe how I feel about my body...  I have to say the bakery comment of "muffin top" does not seem to motivate me all that much.  I thought that having a muffin once in a while was a good thing.  Apparently not.  The calorie count is staggering when it comes to my choice of what I like for a muffin.  By the way... it is blueberry if you are wondering.  Nope, the one metaphor that seems to have me realize that it is time to try again refers to flotation devises....  I happen to have a pair of water-wings and an inner-tube with a duck face on it across my middle.  I happen to be "top heavy" and I know it.... darn family trait, if you ask me.  Well, I know that the water-wings comment is stretching it a bit since my arms are really not that big, but I have a chest that seems to push my arms out like I do have water-wings on.

Just yesterday, while taking DD shopping to use her pile of gift cards (which she was completely thrilled to have because she just loves to shop), I weakened a little and took a look at what was on sale at the stores to see if there was anything I might like, too.  I guess I am quite funny when DD and the sales person asked me what my preferences were in clothes for myself.  I can only guess that they asked to kill the loathsome silence that was seeping from my pores.... I just hate shopping, and I hate buying myself things even more.  Of course, with my dry sarcasm and quick wit, along with some serious self-hate trapped in my bulging core, I said that it is very difficult to buy clothes for my body shape...  I have thin, muscular legs and arms, but a round core.  "Just picture an orange with toothpick arms and legs...  that is what I look like if I was forced to wear a full body suit", I said in a dry, self-deprecating tone to the sales person.  "Makes it hard to look cute when your shape is defined by a piece of fruit and shards of wood.  Just point me to the sporting goods section so I can select a tent and cut a few holes in it for my head and arms to pop through.  That should do the trick."

Apparently, that had a large group of people that were supposed to be minding their own business laughing.  Of course, I closed with the usual, "thank you very much, I will be here all week, tip your waitstaff and may I suggest that you try the veal... it is to die for."  Needless to say, I did purchase another pair of my "vanity jeans" and a peasant-style top.  If you are wondering what "vanity jeans" are... it is the one cut of jeans from Old Navy that have so much stretch in them that I need to buy a size smaller than what I usually wear.  I know, I know... I am pathetic that I base my happiness on a number, but I know that I am truly not alone in that thought process.  I guess that is why I would rather buy shoes than clothes.  I can say, without hesitation, that I wear a size 8 in shoes.  Everything else is a protected secret that would result in killing someone after telling them.  Same goes for my weight.  If I was not required to step on a scale every week (for which I have avoided for months) at my local weight watchers location, I would be up for murder on a weekly basis. This poor sap that pays a monthly fee and struggles with their notion that their plan is livable and works, has to let someone see the number on the scale.  Trust me... I could almost think... and I mean almost... I feel less violated in a TSA search at the airport.  Some things are just better left unknown to the public.

Oh well, I have to face the music, make a plan, and stick with it.  I am joining the masses when January 1st comes along.  Yep, a new start date for something I have been failing at for quite a while.... to lose weight, get a new habit that is called exercise at the gym, and make this a livable lifestyle.  Maybe I will just bring my latest book to the gym and chain myself to the treadmill.  They say that walking is good for the core muscles and I will lose weight in my trouble section.  I just wonder how much more thin my legs need to get to have that finally happen.  I am proud of mt few sit-ups that I do every day.... the ones that get me out of bed after sitting up to hit the snooze button on my alarm clock.  As weight watchers meeting leaders (aka the food Nazi patrol) have told me... I need to move more and cleaning the chaos of my home is definitely going to take some moving to get there.  UGH!  I should have married a plastic surgeon!  At least he could just surgically make things better, but NO, I married a mechanic that might finally fix my truck that has had the check engine light that turns on and off at random times.... it has been a year of that going on and still nothing is getting fixed.  I can only guess he is waiting for it to be towed in to actually do something about it.

So in closing, thanks for caring enough to listen to me whine and vent... well, read about it anyway.  Sorry it is a pity-fest regarding my weight.  Have a great day everyone!

Calendars, Cliffs, and Chaos... Oh my!!

Whew!  We made it through the apparent apocalypse according to the Mayan Calendar.  Yep, that intricately carved stone that caused such havoc is wrong, but I wonder....  could it be right in a different angle?  With the current fiscal cliff just ahead and our elected officials that are required to do something about it being at a stalemate....  life as we know it is over! Taxes are going to be on the rise when there is not enough money to afford to pay those taxes!  Really, how hard is it to make a decision these days?  Cap the taxes and CUT THE FRIVOLOUS SPENDING!!!!  Sheesh!  It sounds too simple to make it so darn complicated.  I know, I know....  there is way more to the story, but really....  you need to start somewhere.  With the jobless rate at an all-time high and people needing to utilize those programs that our tax dollars have been supporting...  there must be a way to alter the course.

People are at the end of their proverbial string these days.  The cost of everything is going up, people are losing their jobs, the programs that are to help people in need are being overused, insurance premiums are going up with the coverage going down, and obviously the middle class is dwindling.  No longer are there three financial classes of people.  You are either well-to-do or you are up the creek without a paddle.   Trust me when I say this.... those that are just scraping by are now entering the up the creek without a paddle group.  That is, if you managed to bury a little nest egg really deep in that coffee can in the back yard.  I know that life is not meant to be a picnic, but can't we all catch a break from time to time?

Some of those strings that people are hanging on by are snapping a little more often than before.  I do not condone violence, but after hearing about the massacre in Newtown, CT, you have to wonder if anyone is truly safe these days.  The shouts for gun control have reached an all time high, but people are losing focus on a few little factors....  The guns that this lunatic obtained were legally owned and licensed through his mother (that he killed nonetheless).  Regardless of the rules set before the law abiding people that have a constitutional right to have them, there are just as many that will find a way to get their hands on one illegally. Heck, the requirement that a person needs to be mentally stable to be approved to purchase a handgun is no guarantee that this person will not go ballistic in the future and go on a killing spree.  The waiting period to be approved really does not mean a hill of beans.  If a person is desperate enough, they will find a way.  It is not like gangs and criminals waited the necessary time frame.  Even the argument over the notion that guns kill people is bunk.  The gun did not break into that school by itself.  It takes a person to pull the trigger.  I mean, if we have to always shift the blame to the item and never take the blame personally, then I am fat because the food did it to me and not the fact that I was the one who ate the food in the first place.  Be smart people!!!  Look beyond the short path by blaming the instrument of the demise and take the time to seek the whole truth.  In all honesty, we are the most dangerous creatures around.  Animals can attack, but people have access to tools that get the job done.

Sigh, it is just so unsettling to see life as we know it spiral into utter dismay.  The necessary focus is skewed, desperation is boiling to the surface, lines are being drawn and innocent people are suffering the consequences.  Church and State distancing themselves, the doubts of beliefs, the strain of existence...  So, in closing....  It may not have been asteroids pummeling the Earth or the gates of Hell opening up to swallow us whole as the Mayan Calendar states....  it is the beginning of a very slow and painful implosion of life as we know it.  All we can do is reclaim our faith in God above and pray that we receive his mercy for the way things have become.  Apologize for the rampant greed and vicious acts that have pushed his children into doing such terrible things and seek guidance for those that lost their way in the faith we have that there is truly a God.  While faith may be seen as a blind thing, it is a foundation in all religions that there is a greater force that looks over us.  He goes by many names, but is truly one.  It does not matter what religion it is...  Catholic, Christian, Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Jewish, and so many more that are out there...  it is the foundation of common decency, love, and respect that needs to be focused on.  Our job in life is not just making ends meet financially, but to focus on taking care of what we are blessed with having around us.  Regardless of what science or religion tells us.... our existence is what matters here.  Why not try to make it good for all?

Okay, stepping off my soapbox and do something productive today.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!  I am thankful for another day because you know...  that is why they call it the present and I am always thankful when it comes to gifts.

The way too modern woman.....

Well kiddies.... Way back when the Earth was cooling and dinosaurs were family pets, men and women had different jobs around the cave that we now call "home".  The women maintained a clean cave while the men took their work outside.  It was just easier that way.  Men and nature went hand-in-hand, while women, the more domestic of creatures created comforts through strategically placed soft things so their worn and weary partners can relax.  When you really think about it.... it is all in appearances, too.  Men, rough and rugged, ripped with muscles is a direct opposite of the woman's soft curves... the ying to the other's yang....  balance.

Sadly, it has come to my attention that yet men have the better end of the deal when it comes to the dividing of the cave chores.  I know.... I know.... you are probably mentioning to your screen that this is very far from the truth.  The required moving of boulders, clearing of brush and since the ice age hit.... removal of snow is actually hard work.  It takes stamina and strength to achieve the intended goal.  Yep, I can hear the primal grunting as I type this and the prehistoric chest pounding he-man actions, pounding the statement home....  "Me man!  Me strong!... You woman!  You too weak to do man work!"  Oh, give me a break!!!!  Yard work needs less daily attending to compared to housework.....

While I will agree that a boulder weighs more than a feather duster, I have to wonder.....  How in the heck did I end up with getting both jobs?  I am obviously a woman since I attend to the care of the inside of this cave, but I also happen to take care of things on the outside, too.  What is that all about???

Growing up, I did chores.  I have no doubt that everyone did a chore or two for their parents.  It really depended upon what that task was, but we all did something.  I remember mowing the lawn and shoveling snow.  Of course, I was not required to do that at my childhood home.  I have an older brother that was told to do it.  When I did yard work, I did it to earn some extra cash.  Nope, when I was growing up...  I was given the indoor chores; washing dishes, doing laundry, vacuuming, dusting, cleaning my room.  I mean, I knew why I was required to do the indoor jobs... my mom told me to do them.  After getting married, she told me that a well functioning home had jobs for the specific sexes....  Women took care of the maintenance of the home, while men attended to the yard and fixed broken things.  Well, I have managed to blur that line in the sand and I have nobody to blame, but myself...

This is the time of year that I manage to take on additional chores at this cave I call home.  All because I have less resolve to not just get the job done when it needs to get done.  What I am talking about is....  snow.  As I wait with shovel at the ready, I will be taking on the task of snow removal yet again this year.  Trust me when I say this....  When autumn comes and the leaves fall, I am out in my yard with the leaf blower, the lawn mower and a pile of lawn bags.  Now, I am not as crazed as a neighbor of mine that managed to mow her lawn every other day, but you can tell a difference between the end result of leaf removal when I do it compared to when DH does it.  This past fall, I held my ground and had DH take care of the leaves.  It took every ounce of patience to see that task get done and I am on frayed nerve when it comes to the upcoming predicted snowfall, so I have my trusty shovel waiting for me in the garage.  DH has far stronger resolve to not bother shoveling and does not mind the packed snow tread marks in the driveway or the packed boot-laden path on the sidewalk.  As for me.... it is a thorn in my side, but an actual appreciated task to take on.  You see, I live with 2 clutter typhoons I lovingly call DH and DD.  I will admit that I am far from perfect, but when it comes down to leaving a mess.... well, they will always win hands-down.  When I clean, my efforts are destroyed in the first hour that they are home.  When I shovel?  I get the sense of accomplishment that I am only dealing with nature and when the snow stops....  my efforts are not in threat of being trashed in an hour and manage to stay clean.  What a wonderful feeling, but sadly, my determination to do that task makes me a more modern and self-sufficient woman.

While that seems to be small potatoes, I happen to take on other tasks that I probably should not, but do anyway.  I fix broken stuff.  Now, it is not the complex stuff that I know that DH is more apt to do, but if push came to shove.... I could probably figure it out and do it myself.  I am not afraid of tools, I even have slightly attained knowledge of where all the emergency shut-off stuff is...  I can shut the water off to the house and I know how to change a fuse.  Heck, if I was not married to a mechanic, I could even change the oil in my truck.  That, my friends, makes me far too modern for my own good.  Since DH is aware that I am perfectly capable of doing these things, he has managed to avoid doing more around the house... you know, take on those prehistoric tasks that have been handed down from generation to generation.

My question to you all is this.....  How can I re-shift the focus on getting him to reclaiming those tasks?  Really, if there is a man in the house.... why not get him to do stuff, too?  UGH!  I fear that my fate has been sealed!  I have 2 small projects that I can easily do myself, but would rather have him take a more active role in this house.  One is to fix a leaking faucet that I know I can easily fix myself and the other is to replace a handle on a bedroom door (also, easy for me to do).  There is one other task, but I have to go to the store to see if I could find a replacement shower nozzle to the shower downstairs.  Apparently, the attachment is not standard and I have to remove the nozzle to find a match in connection.  I really dread that task since I hate shopping, but I cannot stand looking at DH's patchwork of duct tape holding it together.  Some things really need to be replaced around here.  I have looked at that cracked shower head nozzle for as long as I have lived here, but I will say that I am impressed with the staying power that duct tape happens to have.  I just happen to shake my down-turned head in shame that all those tools he has gotten over the years happen to be used by me far more than it has been by him around this house.  Oh well, time to open the tool box and fix some stuff because repeating my pleas for assistance have been falling on deaf ears.....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

He just does not get it!!!!!

With Christmas around the corner, literally, I finally finished the gift shopping.  Everything is wrapped, placed in their respective stocking, and the final gift mailed out last night...  I felt the weight of the world off my shoulders.  It was a wonderful feeling until DH confronts me about the one gift under the tree that happens to have his name on it.

Apparently, he is not all that happy that I took the time to buy him a gift......

With this knowledge, he proceeds to tell me that he has no clue what to get me now because he thought we were not going to exchange gifts this year.  Apparently, he feels that it is a mandatory thing to buy a gift for a person because they got him one.  Really, since when does Christmas have a mandatory gift requirement?

As I tried to explain to a very frustrated DH that what I got him was not to be seen as a big deal.  I got him something because I wanted to.  I think about him quite often, regardless of the very little he may think of me.  My assumption about how much he thinks of me is by his actions.  I know he puts in long hours at work to bring home his earnings to support this family we happen to have together.  We really do not have a lot of extra money to spend on frivolous things, like gifts, but we can manage something small if we really wanted to....  just to let a person know that you are thinking of them.  Heck, I know he would rather put that money spent on a gift in our savings account or in DD's little college nest egg.  Sure, we could think of many other things we can do with the money, but has it really come to the point that we should not think of each other once in a while and do something about it?

I don't know...  I thought I explained myself pretty well when I told him I really did not think it was necessary to hand me the checkbook and tell me to go and get myself something for Christmas, but he insisted.  Apparently, his reasoning for relinquishing the one thing I have seen him hold so tight that I have no doubt moths will fly out of it, is truly rational thought.  He told me that he would look like the bad guy if I got nothing when I got him something for Christmas.  Really?????  I do not see it that way.  If he really wanted to know what could make him really look like the bad guy... he needs to look back over this past year....

Birthdays past with no thoughtful notion except a pack on the cheek and a "happy birthday" mentioned as he runs out the door to go to work, no anniversary cards that shares a loving thought about me for our anniversary, no simple little notion I am loved on paper for Valentines Day or Sweetest Day (even though we do agree that those are just Hallmark holidays), and no offering to cook for one measly day that is called Mother's Day so I can get a break....  Nope, not one little thing I can place in a box of memories that I can go back to and remember that he thinks of me.  After 14 years of marriage, he still has not figured me out!!  It is not the gift or the cost of it, but the thought behind it!!!  And now he thinks he is the bad guy for not getting me a Christmas gift?  I swear!  He can really be a moron!!!

All the while, I have done at least something throughout the year for him.  I have bought cards that shared loving feelings for Valentines Day and our anniversary (I did skip Sweetest Day because I still think it lacks the necessary thought), I got him a birthday gift (for which I offered early because I wanted to), I cooked his favorite meal on Father's Day (which is no surprise, really, since I do all the cooking anyway), and I got him a Christmas gift that just happens to be something he really needed (a new iced tea maker since the one he has is on its last leg).  Really, being thoughtful does not require breaking the bank over it.... just the notion that you are thought of.

Okay, I realized he did one thing this past year and obviously he did it as an afterthought....  He tried to sneak a bag of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups in the shopping cart to give to me for Valentines Day.  Not exactly a romantic thought or act to surprise me, but he at least tried, right?  Sadly, he never realized that I have been on a perpetual diet and was trying to avoid the chocolates (especially in a large quantity like that). Even more sadly, I turn to chocolate more and more because I don't feel appreciated and that is my downfall to my weight issue.  Emotional eating is a bad thing...

Well, in order to avoid getting the wrath of Mr. Crabby Pants, I am venturing out with the checkbook to get a few things that I have needed for a while...  I am almost out of shower gel, I want to pick up some new underwear and socks (since mine are falling apart), a candle or two since my candles are just about burnt out, and a new bra for DD (since she is currently stealing my sports bras for her own, but that trip will require to have her with me to get it....  I am not going to guess her size).  Ho Ho Hum...  Merry Christmas everyone!  That is... if the Mayan Calendar is wrong.  If it is right (of which I am seriously doubting that it is right)... I will at least go out with socks that do not have holes and underwear that is not thread-barren.

Thanks for reading.....  Have a great day.

Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy!

I really need to stop reading romance novels!!  Really!!

I was told that there comes a time that the need to read a certain genre of books, it is a cry of need in that aspect of your life... aka: Reading what you lack.  While not all genres scream the need a certain aspect (because reading is an enjoyable outlet), it is the feeling behind the writing that attracts a person to it.  Trust me, I have not met a person that feels that they are lacking witches and wizards or dragons in their life, as well as psychopathic serial killers, but when it comes to fictional romance novels or non-fiction works like biographies...  there is a hidden meaning to the enjoyment of the books... and understandable at that.

While some people have told me that in order to truly get a genre of books out of your system, you need to read until the breaking point of boredom to finally get release from the attachment.  In fact, one person mentioned to me that reading romance novels offers a chance to connect to an aspect that taps an inner part of you that you choose to hide from.  While all of that is understandable, I think I have a SERIOUS problem!  I just can't get enough of it and I am so seriously in touch with the warm/fuzzy notion that I am seeing things in a far than reasonable light.  My imagination is really getting out of hand these days!!!

So, let me tell you where I think this is a problem....

Disclosure:  I am fully aware that I am a married woman and would never do anything to jeopardize it.

There is a saying among married people and it goes like this.....  "I may be married, but I am not dead.  I can look, I can admire, and I will never... NEVER touch or act upon it."

But seriously folks, I FELT INTELLECTUALLY AMBUSHED TODAY!!  I am a remotely smart woman in her 40's and I have been known to hide my reactions quite well, but I am really wondering if I looked as ridiculous as I felt this morning.  I never in my dizziest days thought I could feel the heat of blushing cover me from my toes to the very top of my head, nor did I feel the need to check to see if I was drooling, but I managed to see what my mind imagined was the epitome of the heroes that are written in romance novels today....  Tall, broad shoulders, soulful eyes, chiseled features, killer smile.....  Yep, I came face to face with a person that made my insides melt and made me imagine all sorts of things I never can share in this blog.  Heck, I think I forgot what my name was when I talked to this guy!  I have serious doubts that whatever came out of my mouth made any sense and I looked like a complete moron.  I believe I babbled, I think I might have said or done something funny because he did laugh, and I can honestly say that my mind spoke way too loud to hear what this person was saying to me.  I do remember talking a bit about our spouses and kids (and THANK GOD for that), but other than that....  I really could not recite word-for-word what this person was trying to sell me.  Well, I kind of have a clue, but chances are I am completely wrong.  Fortunately, I was too dumbfounded to buy anything on the spot, but if I did not have DH's constant reminder that we just cannot afford to buy things just willy-nilly... I probably would have bought whatever he was selling.  After the sales pitch was over, all I could think about is how darn lucky his wife happens to be and questioned why I settled.  That, my friends, is what scared me to realize I need to stop reading romance novels.  I just wonder how I can do that because grabbing a biography, mystery, suspense, or horror novel is so not appealing to me.  Trust me... I have tried.  UGH!  I am hopeless!!!

Okay... time for me to go crawl under a rock...

Thanks for reading!

Sometimes you just gotta....

Don't cry, sweetie.
  I know you have been trying so hard...

Why is it that when the strongest need a release, they are told not to?  Release, that is.... albeit a good hard cry to just let it all go.  I swear, I am a walking pressure cooker of control.  I hold in my frustrations, I hold back my sorrow, and do my best to look happy when I am at my worst.

With years of practice of emulating June Cleaver with my ability to cook, clean, and rear the child with a smile on my face is getting a bit much.  Regardless of how my day truly is, DH holds little patience in hearing me vent about my day and after many sternly worded comments about my attitude needing some serious adjustment... I grit my teeth and put on my best act that everything is just perfect.  Otherwise, expressing that I am human is only getting me into trouble when it comes to DH.  Sleep deprived?  Suck it up!  Hungover from the once a month outing with friends?  Better act like it never happened!  Sad about something?  Plaster a smile on your face!  In pain?  Crack jokes about it!  Mad about something?  Keep it to yourself!  The only allowed emotion is to be HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY!!!  ACK!! Pass the Prozac, people!  It is supposed to be a happy fest!!

You all may see this as I am living in a very unfair existence, I have managed to learn something from this....

Who really wants to deal with an emotional being?  Saying "sorry" to a person's personal demise does not come close to mending the tear in a person's heart.  Life is not meant to be easy.  We all have our crosses to bear; our issues to deal with.  Yes, DH has made it crystal clear that since I am a stay at home caregiver, I should not be having such emotional issues that require his assistance... even if I am not actually asking for assistance... just release.  In fact, he sees my current career of caring for the family first as a perpetual vacation from reality.  When things were getting hard financially, I was told to find a job that does not interfere with my current responsibilities of keeping the house clean, the laundry up to snuff, raise our child, and having a hot meal waiting for DH when he gets home.  Yep, the classic television of Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, and the even more squeaky clean family dynamic of Ozzie and Harriet Nelson are what DH sees as what the ideal family life is supposed to be.  Apparently, those views are quite different than the modern age family that has computers, cell phones, and video games.  Kids these days have less respect for their parents and as each generation whips by, we see kids achieving things their parents were never allowed to achieve when they were their age, but still, the notion of being a happy housewife all the time is a requirement.

DH came home from lunch as I was doubled over in agony.  Only two words can explain my situation without becoming a T.M.I. segment....  it sums up to....  "Woman's issues".  With Tylenol being popped like Tic Tac candies, heating pad firmly placed across my lower stomach area and a greenish tinge to my skin (severe pain makes me nauseous), I had to plant a smile on my face and look all excited that I was blessed with his presence.  After he leaves, the phone rings.  It is the person that did a phone interview with me for a job at the local high school last week.  So local, I could walk there.  The job....  Student Supervisor (aka hall monitor).  Ideal for me since it is the only job that mimics DD's school schedule and the hours are quite similar.  This allows me to be home when she is and home early enough each day to run around like a lunatic to keep up with my daily chores that usually take me all day to accomplish.  At least if something was done....  DH's stern words are held at bay.  Well, I have been applying for this job at least a half dozen times over the past 2 years.  I am on the substitute list and can get called in to help if someone calls in sick, but it is far from something that offers a consistent paycheck.  Every time I apply, I put my best foot forward and yet again get passed up for the opportunity.

Getting rejected for a job is getting quite tiresome, but I have managed to handle the rejection quite well over the years.  It was just the icing on an already miserable cake that set me to crying.  When the tears were about to go pouring down, I called my mom to tell her about the recent rejection for a job.  Thinking I had everything under control, I get the usual, "sorry to hear that".  When my breathing started to hitch with sadness, I got yet the reminder that crying does not fix anything.  That, of course, beings me back to the words my father told me.... "Crying is a sign of weakness.  If you want people to see how strong you are, you need to not cry in front of them."  I swear, I took pride that I did not cry when I broke my ankle years back, I did not cry while giving birth to my daughter, I did not cry when I was doubled over in agony before my gall bladder needed to be removed....  Yep, I have been one tough cookie and my dad should have been proud.  Sadly, I feel like I failed him because I decided that it is time to really let loose and cry very loudly after I hung up the phone.  I knew that if I did not.... I would definitely lose my mind.

Did you know, that after 5 minutes of really crying out loud, I actually feel better?  It was a much needed release.  Just letting the tears flow with my sobbing at full volume ended up being the one remedy for my always thinking mind.  I was able to look at that rejection call as just another minor setback that I will survive from.  With the small chant of "what does not kill me, makes me stronger", I was able to look calm and composed before DD came home from school.  Odds look pretty good that DH will not see me be emotional and can maintain the June Cleaver attitude when he gets home this evening.  I will even be able to handle hearing his emotional rants about his frustrating day and even his tense talking about the fact that I accomplished nothing I should have accomplished today.  At least a physical setback is understandable in his eyes.  As long as he does not hear all the details about it.  If it was an emotional setback.... well, that is just not an acceptable excuse.

So, if you are feeling like an emotional pressure cooker and you are nearing the explosion point.... take just 5 minutes alone and LET IT GO.  Scream, cry loudly, swear, rant, complain loudly, throw a pillow across the room.... whatever it takes to let off some steam.  Trust me.  You may feel ridiculous doing it, but afterwards, you will feel so much better.  It actually eases the weight upon your shoulders to a more tolerable level so you can move forward with your day.  Highly recommended!  Well, now I need to get back to my heating pad and pop a couple more Tylenol.  Maybe this round will make it possible to not want to throw up and maybe eat some dinner with DD while keeping DH's plate warm for him when he gets home.

Learned opinion of one's self....

I went to a gathering last night and learned something that I needed to share....

Did you know that it is quite possible to learn your opinion of yourself?

As I sat there among friends, I realized that there is much to learn about yourself beyond the social aspect.  Sadly, it is not the most positive thought, in fact, I succumbed to actually crying in public and fled because of it.  I was just amazed that I lasted as long as I did.

Pretty depressing, I have to admit, but a revelation nonetheless....

If you are not ready to hear my sob story... you are allowed to stop here and go on with your day.  Thanks for getting this far.  If you are ready to read a very disturbing thought... please feel free to read on.

Last night, I attended a "girls night out" that also offered beyond the usual drinking and light conversation to including a "white elephant" gift exchange.  What is "white elephant", you ask?  Well, it is usually a crap shoot of what you end up with at the end of the evening when it comes to a gift purchase limit of lets say... $15.  The gift can range from humorous to cute and everything in between.  It is basically what a person can think of for an expense of $15 or less (well, in some cases more if the limit is set higher).  Needless to say... there was a wide range to what the participants provided.  After each person grabbed a random gift, exchanging your selection went into full force.  What you originally selected was not necessarily what you took home.  People had the option to swap what they had with another for something that they would rather have.

My evening started off with the gift of chocolates and some wine, but ended with a tin filled with sensual stuff that couples are to enjoy in a romantic setting.  In all honesty, I would have been better off with the wine and chocolates since romance is basically dead in my life.  As I was told, not too long ago, that even if the mind is willing... the body can think otherwise.  Blame it on recent medications, blame it on a medical condition, but once the blame has been announced.... there is no chance that some oils, incense, and candles is going to change the fact it is just not gonna happen.

As I watched perfectly capable women in perfectly capable relationships pass this gift offering, I knew that ending up with this gift was not going to change my chances for a romantic encounter with DH.  It made me sad to know that regardless of the good intentions of the friend that took my wine and chocolates to give me the "romance tin of goodies", I will never get the opportunity to put that stuff to use.  That optimistic attitude that was offered to me felt more like a punch in the stomach than a thought of hope for me.  I was raised to appreciate what is offered to me regardless of how I feel about it, and accepted what I got with a smile on my face.  I just could not really share the fact that I have been told by the one that I love that even though the mind may be willing.... the body is not.  The current excuse is the medications that he needs to take to be healthy.  I, obviously know better.  The fire of desire died well before his "condition" that requires medications.  I am that hopeless romantic that clings on to those three little words I hear from DH from time to time, but have to accept that all I am deserving of is words.  I am looked upon as a caregiver, cook and maid... no longer a vital woman that is desired, but told she is loved.  I guess something is better than nothing, right?

For years, I knew that the change in my body after DD was born resulted in less than the look of those scantily clad models that grace the calendars that hang on the walls of a man's garage, the bodies that show off more skin in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, or the sexual enticement that is in full color and made to be centerfolds in those magazines for men that regardless of what they claim is strictly for the articles (of which we woman are smart enough to know better) like Playboy or Hustler.  What I happen to be is an average woman that dealt with the ravages of pregnancy and the losing battle to snap back to the fighting weight that I had well before I had a child.  I know that it is not pretty, I know that stretch marks are not beautiful, nor is the distorted shape that happens after childbirth.  I always believed that beauty was to come from within, but lets be honest....  it is the external appearance that matters most.

As I have tried to change my appearance, I know that I am an emotional eater.  I try to fill the void in my life with food.... especially chocolate.  It is hard to fight the emotional barriers that manage to sabotage my attempts to obtaining the ideal body that can get the attention that I so desperately crave.

Alone and feeling unwanted has managed to seep it's ugly feeling into my social life.  I actually felt sick being out with my friends I know that do not judge me by my appearance.  I have been told that they like me for who I am but who am I if I hate myself?   I noticed my ability to be in a room filled with people, yet not be seen.  I keep a distance from people nowadays.  I am ashamed of what I have become, but not strong enough to do something about it.  Trust me... I have tried and continuously failed.  As I looked around the room for some sense of belonging...  I found none.  I put my best foot forward and still felt inadequate.  The moment that a friend tried to convince me that it is not me that is lacking in order to feel better....  I lost it and started to cry.  I was losing control at hiding my true feelings about myself and I knew it was time to leave.  Nobody needs to see the pain I feel...  Nobody needs to hear the sad story that I live...  Nobody needs to deal with the baggage that I carry from day-to-day.  This is my personal Hell that I deal with alone.  I strive to hide that from everyone and with that weak moment that I had....  I have no doubt that they are thankful that I left.

What I did manage to learn from this is that I am no longer able to handle social situations as well as I used to.  The experiences that I have had managed to teach me to hate myself even more than before and with that firmly residing under my skin...  I am now even less able to push it down to hide it from everyone that gets near me.  The one person that understood me and knew what to do to get me out of this funk is living in another state.  I have been hearing less from her lately and she is not here to smack me in the head to just knock off the negativity that bubbles inside me.  I do not blame her for my misery... I blame myself.  I just really have nobody that can pull me from this downward spiral that is pulling me deeper and deeper into an introvert.  The one person that could possibly change my attitude about myself beyond what my best friend can do is not interested and tells me that I need to get my head out of my backside; that I am apparently off my rocker, but cannot offer me any proof to show me that I am.  The moment that I feel I need support, I am left to my own devises to deal with it.  I am basically a dog that has been smacked with the newspaper far too often and left in that small cage to think about what I supposedly did wrong, but too clueless to know what it is or what to do about it.  In all honesty, I have not been smacked with a newspaper nor stuck in a small cage to think about it, but it sure does feel that way.  Really, I should not rely upon others to make me feel better about myself, but I do.  Whatever I have tried to do is apparently not enough and never will be enough.  I am now too tired to try anymore.  I guess I am better off reading about someone else's happily ever after since I sure as heck is not deserving of one.  I can only guess that I am asking for too much and not deserving of such a tall order.  Sigh... oh well... as the saying goes.... life never gives you what you want, life only gives you what you are supposed to handle or what it feels you deserve.  Time to face the music.... this is what I deserve...  I need to deal with it because it certainly is not going to change any time soon.  I guess what I need to do is look for the good in a lousy situation, hold onto it for dear life and hope it propels me forward to something greater.

Thanks for reading.  Sorry it is such as depressing thought.  Have a nice day regardless.....

A real P.I.T.A!! Is it worth it?

Good afternoon!  With a daughter fighting a fever, I have a full day playing nursemaid and got a few minutes to share a recent experience and wonder...... is it really worth it?  So, lets begin....shall we?

DD gets her Christmas present early and is thrilled that we managed to get her a new cell phone.  Her old one is roughly 5 years old and obviously possessed with it turning on and off all by itself, so a new one was necessary.  Fortunately, I looked at the cell phone she mentioned she wanted and was happy to see that it was on sale.  Apparently, shopping on-line has its perks when you start shopping on what is called "Cyber Monday" because her phone was half the regular cost and accepted by the budget control manager, also known as DH.  Took roughly 4 days from placing the order to having it arrive at my doorstep.  With a quick call to Kajeet (the company we got DD's phone), I managed to get everything transferred from her old phone and into her new one.  Gotta really love a helpful company like Kajeet is.  If you never heard of the company.... you need to take a look at their site.  They are a cell phone company for kids.  The service provider is actually Sprint, but set up with complete parental control in mind.  Made me comfortable getting DD a cell phone.  Her package is reasonable (only $20/month for 150 minutes of talk and UNLIMITED texting), and I have options-a-plenty that range from GPS services to locate the phone if it is lost (or to check up on where my child is), to setting up limits to when she is allowed to actually use the phone beyond the emergency call to home or 9-1-1.  I can suspend the service without having to pay penalties and there are no contracts....  Completely ideal for parents that have kids that clutch to their cell phones as a sense of life support.  Well, after getting her new phone set up, she was thrilled to get it when she got home from school.  She is a pro with electronics and knows how the darn thing works.  As for me....  I am lucky to know how to send a text and how to place a call.

With DD's new phone being able to take a micro SD card to load music or store pictures.... she begged for a micro SD card.  I decided that it is painless for her to have one and let her get some music that we have downloaded in the computer to sync to this mini card so now her phone is also a music player.... oh joy!  Well, curiosity killed the cat and I wondered of my mini SD card could load some music to it.  Needless to say....  I ended up calling tech support for Windows 8 in trying to figure out why I could not sync my little card and ended up having more stuff changed on my computer than I care to admit.  The smallest of request took an hour and they still could not figure out a solution.  With half of my start up commands gone that I did not want to lose in the first place, I got the tech person to forward my request to his boss and I have to wait for a call from him later today when he has the time to look up my problem and figure a solution to call me back with.  All I did was shake my head in utter frustration and agreed to a return call later.  Upon hanging up, I tried again by flipping a little tab on my SD card and tried to sync one more time.  Well, slap me silly and call me Sally, I got it to work.... Yep, this computer moron figured it out.  Now, sadly, the other issues this tech person tried to fix are messed up beyond recognition and I have no clue how to fix it, but I have managed to find an extremely intense set of commands and clicks to get to the places I need to be.... it is a real (P)ain (i)n (t)he (a)ss (known as P.I.T.A), but at least I can somewhat function with my computer again. What really frustrates me is that I no longer have the convenience of getting to my usual sites with one click.  I kind-of had it before I had this hack mess it up.  What was once slightly easier, is now a thorn in my side.

So..... this is where I am thinking if it is really all worth it.... calling for technical support from a person that has difficulty speaking the English language clearly and have a simple request turn into a 2 hour fiasco on the phone that results in destroying all that I accomplished over the past month with this new running system.  I hate to say it, but while Windows 8 is nice, I think Windows 7 was far easier to navigate.  Now, I have to figure how to fix my browser page.... that is even more messed up than before.  Sigh.... lesson learned.

Just not "feeling it".....

Thanksgiving came and went.  According to tradition's sake, I usually spend "Black Friday" at home, putting up the Christmas tree and the Christmas decorations.  Not this year.....  It is already past Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and whatever-they-call-it Monday when internet sales start.  Yep, it is Tuesday, just an ordinary day and I am fighting an internal battle with myself to go crawl into the crawlspace and pull out the Christmas stuff.  DH refused to put out the lights outside and the lawn decorations are staying locked in the shed again this year.  Between the financial pinch we are feeling and the annual vandal smack-down our lawn decorations get.... we are just not "feeling" the holiday spirit.  I really wish it could be different, but there you have it.....  the warm and fuzzy feeling for the holidays is gone.

As I sit here and ponder how much festive decorating I will try to accomplish, I have other dreadful things to do today.  I have to send out the annual e-mail blast of what DD's Christmas wish list is this year since nobody in both sides of my family have the motivation to just call and ask me.  Well, my mom and brother asked DD when they saw her at Thanksgiving.  My in-laws only call DH when I am not home for work and just recently, DH is getting a little miffed at the notion that he has to play middle man in sharing DD's Christmas list requests.  His tone this morning tells me that he has gotten a few calls while he is at work about this.  Apparently, I am not worth the energy to speak to from them.  Once I compile the list of the usual stuff (she prefers gift cards from Old Navy, DSW shoes, Rhapsody and this one place called Game Stop), a few simple clicks later... I will have that task done.  Then I need to focus on the regular housework of cooking, cleaning and laundry.  I sadly, took a weekend sabbatical from cleaning and my house looks like a bomb testing arena with garbage, dishes, and dirt clothes everywhere.

With all this in mind, I managed to wake up this morning feeling nauseous and a back spasm that put my back in a strange twist which makes me look like Quasimodo, the bell ringer of Notre-Dame.  My hair is a wreck and no makeup on my face.... "EEK!"  is all I can say when I looked in the mirror.  Yep, looks like a perfect day to go crawling under the house to grab the festive decorations for Christmas.

Just as I thought I mustered the determination to face this recently dreaded activity, DD comes barreling into the room and tells me that she missed the bus and needs a ride to school.  Oh great!  I look like death and now I get to grab my coat and drive in public looking like this!  Oh well, the day could not get any worse, so I popped a couple of Advil, grabbed my coat, keys and purse and off we went.  As the frozen seat eased the agonizing pain in my back, I got DD to school right when her bus pulls up in front of the school.....  ahhhh, saved by the bell!  I do not have to enter the building to sign her in looking like this :)!  With a smile and well wishes for her to have a good day, I stopped at McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich and a diet coke (to save me even more dishes to wash), I finally head home.

My procrastination skills are in peak form since I still have not reached the level of interest to crawling around in the crawlspace for the decorations, I still have not sent the e-mail list to the in-laws or my sisters, and I still have no motivation to clean up after the clutter-bug typhoon that hit this past weekend.  At least I am fed and watered, but still nauseous and sore, but I have been dealing with the nausea for almost a week now.  Darn pills make me sick!  Just one more day of that stuff and I get to wait 10 more days to see if I am physically back on track.  If not....  well, DH gets to deal with hearing me whine about seeing the doctor.  Just not in the mood for that!  I don't think I am ever in the mood to see the doctor.  What they charge to grasp at straws is not really something I need to deal with.  While DH may seem reasonable about doctor bills, I just know that he is literally seething with anger that I am yet again spending money we do not have to spare.  At least I got DD's Christmas gift... a new cell phone.  It was on sale and I got the authorization from the checkbook holder, lovingly called DH, and got that out of the way yesterday.  Now I have a nephew to get a gift for since he is still considered a kid and ship that off to Colorado.  No surprise there.... he is getting a gift card.  Shipping an actual thing bigger than a gift card costs about the same as the gift I would have purchased for him.  Far more reasonable to spend the 49 cents than $30 to UPS for shipping.

Yep, gotta stop dragging my heels.....  I really need to stop dragging my heels.....  Okay, I am ready to get this day going.....  once I get my stomach to settle and my back to stop having waves of a spasm.....  That means I might be ready in a couple more weeks....  OH HECK!!!  As Nike advertises their product....  I just gotta "do it".  Have a good one everybody.  I hope that the Christmas spirit makes its appearance in my life and is firmly planted in yours.....

Games people play.....

Why, oh why do people play games?  No, I do not mean board games or video games....  what I am talking about is the mind games people take such pride in playing.  While most of these games that people play is really a desire for drama to ensue.... I see it as a ploy for attention.  Let me explain a few findings that I see ending up with the same conclusion.....  getting attention.

Lets start off with the players of the game.  Nobody is immune to the destruction.  Here are the ones I have managed to give names to.  Well, some of it is just common knowledge, you know....

The back stabber:  The sliest of creatures.  They are your friend to your face, but will shoot you in the back once your back is turned.

The drama queen:  The most tightly wound person you will ever come across.  No small situations to get upset about here....  everything is cause for overreaction and assumption.  They are capable of creating drama and eluding blame.

The toxic commentator:  As the drama queen makes the smallest grain of sand into a mountain, this person just oozes negativity.  Nothing is ever good enough, they have plenty of opinion, but no ability to try to change the situation for the better.

The nitpicker:  This special breed of personality is one that grates on any level-headed person's nerves.  While the toxic commentator oozes the negativity, the nitpicker is one to dissect a situation and claim that regardless where others are wrong..... only they know what is right and is not afraid of telling people their faults.

The worry-wart:  This person lacks focus on the big picture and only is short-sighted.  Their concern is getting the 4-1-1 on when (and who) the next shoe is going to drop.  Never focusing on trying to avoid the other shoe from dropping....  just wanting fair warning to what is going to happen next.

The drama duck:  This person does everything in their power to avoid drama at all costs and in fact lets drama roll off their back like water to a duck's backside.  This person is not completely immune to the drama that unfolds around them, but does their best to not get wrapped up in the hype.

The ostrich:  This person is so non-confrontational that they would rather bury their head in the sand than taking a stand.  The moment that tempers flare.... they are running far and fast.

The prince/princess:  This is probably one of the most annoying of the bunch.  Demands to be the center of attention at all times and when this person is not getting what they want or demand.... they stomp, pout, and complain.  They feel that they are entitled to be given everything and does not care who they step on to get what they want.  Some people can see them as being the squeakiest wheel in any situation.  Sometimes seen as a social climber with cleats.

The sponge:  This person really does not need too much explanation, but to highlight this person's ability to absorb commentary from all sides and does nothing until that fateful day they get squeezed.  When that happens.....  Whoa Nelly!!

and finally.....

The bi-polar express:  This person plays a very erratic game.  They are a balanced mix of all of the above and can sling stones to glass houses without getting the blame.  Depending on the situation, they can flip from tattle-tale to secret keeper.  It is in how it benefits them.  An obviously short-term or selective memory for this special person.  They have a really good bead on playing a game to benefit just themselves while creating havoc in their wake.  Has potential to be accused, but finds the ultimate loophole to weasel out of any sticky situation.  They always win and you always lose.....  The ultimate in drawing the line in the sand and then blurring it to their benefit.

Now, in any situation where there are a large group of people, you will find one or more than one of those people in the mix.  All it takes is for one person to throw the gossip or complaint bone and most people attack it with the fervor of a pack of rabid dogs.  All they need is a victim to attach the gossip to and it is.... game on!  What can start off as a small annoyance or minor injustice and all hell breaks loose.  What starts off looking like a feast on a victim turns into a fight to the death for getting to the coveted top of the food chain.

While some games are short run situations, it is the long game that tests the will of everyone involved.  Resentment and lack of respect take center stage.  Not one person will take the fall, as well as not one person rising above it all.  As there are toxic people, there are toxic situations and everyone is at risk.  Quite an unhealthy situation, but alliances are formed in some places and pity is placed in some situations.  The desire to stick it out overcomes the desire to high tail it out because nobody knows if the grass is actually gonna be greener elsewhere and it becomes easier to be complacent than to rock the boat.

So tell me.....  if everyone is willing to work on making the situation livable, then why do we need to play games in the first place?

As I said before, chances are there are for more game players out there.  These are the ones I managed to highlight today.  Now, being aware of these personality flaws/game player attributes.....  would you be willing to do everything necessary to change if it is to benefit the greater good?

The timing really sucks!

Grrr!!  I absolutely hate being an overly bloated bag of mood-swinging female!  Getting old really bites, you know.....  I am not menopausal, but I have been feeling like I should be.  A couple of years ago, or so, I started blogging because I was an emotional basket case and thought that stress was making me a depressed person.  Emotional beyond words, I took the initiative to see the doctor and find out that a woman my age will hit a point in life that we become less 'regular' when it comes to the monthly curse that sends men for the hills and boosts the sales of the tampon/sanitary pad companies.  Midol comes to mind when trying to battle the irritable tendencies that PMS brings on.  Heck, that little water pill laced with Tylenol should be the cure, right?  WRONG!  It is the arrival of that god forsaken curse every woman goes through (like clockwork), every month that begins the healing process of the misery and once it is over.... we are back to normal, happy people.

I used to be able to set a clock to the exact moment that my body gets relief.  I had my cycle pegged down to the exact day it is to come and trust me.....  I was predictably accurate.  DH knew when to fake sleeping to avoid confrontations and when he can resume back to his normal annoying antics.

I was told by my gynecologist that when women get a certain age.... their bodies change.  As like passing an egg through a Fallopian Tube, there will come a time a woman will pass a dud.  Kind of like having a bag of fireworks and having one not be able to fire off.  I still chuckle at that analogy my gynecologist gave me roughly two years ago when I my monthly cycle did not arrive as scheduled.  After extensive tests to check hormonal levels and to see if I could be pregnant, I was put on a week of pills to induce that cycle that should have come naturally.  If I ignored it.... I would have been at an increased risk of ovarian cancer.  Fortunately, I pay too much attention to details and kept even better records of my week of misery to ignore such a thing.  Looking back, I was a bloated bag of mood swings, like I am now.  At least this time, I am aware of the dud passing scenario and called the gynecologist yesterday.... armed with all the information they needed.  I followed protocol with taking a home pregnancy test (of which I knew it would give me a negative result), and get the okay for another round of pills.  Two times in almost three years really is not all that bad, right?  HA!  This yet again backed up cycle has been no walk in the park.  I am seriously considering having yet another pleading talk with the doctor to just rip this stuff out!  I am not really using it, you know.  I am done with having having children.  I gave birth to one and I live with two.  Kudos to those women that have more than one child to contend with....  I just could not do it.  Sadly, DD is growing up way faster than she should be and DH is reverting back to his childhood at the same rate.

While I have embraced the notion that I am prone to go through this, I just would have wished for it to happen at a completely different time of the year.  The holidays are here and I get to celebrate them with medically induced cramps and nausea.  Oh joy!  Food repulses me right now, I am bloated beyond my comfort zone, and I am an emotional nut-job to boot!  Yep, a real good time to have this happen to me.....  NOT!  I have no doubt that my guests tomorrow will feel a pang of guilt that I am determined to follow through with my holiday plans while looking like a train wreck.  Trust me.... the holiday spirit is there.  It is just buried under discomfort that a pound of makeup will be hiding the green tinge my skin is taking on.  I hope that they will understand when I barely touch my food tomorrow that it is not them....  I am just feeling fat, gross and emotionally unstable.  Just do me one favor (since I know that they read my blog)......  Just smile, be happy and really fill up on all the stuff I am making for our Thanksgiving feast.  If I hear even an inkling of guilt come from your lips....  I cannot guarantee my reaction to be easily understood.  In my eyes.... family comes first....  the rest I can deal with later after everyone leaves.

May Thanksgiving be filled with good food, family, and happy memories!!!
Thanks for reading!  

How dare you put words in my mouth!!!!!

It is late in the evening.  DH has gone to bed.  I set down my book and my eyes are feeling heavy.  While considering making the journey to bed from the couch, DD comes into the room.  She feels it is time to talk about something and from the look on her face.... she is excited.  As she mumbles and sputters sentence fragments, she proceeds to tell me....

DD:  "MOM!  The coolest thing just happened!!  Three of my favorite groups are following me...  THREE!  Isn't that soooooo cool?"

Me:  "Huh?  What do you mean that you have people 'following' you?  What are you talking about?"

DD:  "Three of my favorite groups are following me on Twitter..."  (Finishing the sentence with a flourish of her hand)

Me:  "TWITTER?  When did you join Twitter, of all places?  I never recalled giving you permission to get a Twitter account.  Obviously, you needed an e-mail address to get an account and I did not get an e-mail notification that you opened an account.... so....  what e-mail address did you use?"

DD:  (Looking at her feet) "I joined an hour ago and you know I do not have an e-mail account of my own...  I used your e-mail account address to get a Twitter account."

Me:  "Did it ever cross your mind to ask me for permission?  Doesn't Twitter have an age requirement to join?  Did you give false information to join?  Oh my God!!!  What information did you put out there?!?!?  Did you think for once that I just might have told you to not join this social site?  Or did you figure I did not need to know until after the damage was done?  Haven't all of our long discussions about joining sites without my knowledge is a risky thing to do?  There are a lot of crazy people out there and you are obviously not mature enough to handle those risks.  WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?!?!?!!!!  Oh, thats right.... YOU WERE NOT THINKING!!  Why must you do things well beyond your age?  Can't you just be happy being a kid?"

DD:  "I did ask you for permission, but all you could say was 'what?' and after asking you twice, I decided there was no harm in joining.  My friend has a Twitter account and she is my age..."

Me:  "NO HARM?!?!?!  You knew I would have said 'no' and you made this decision on your own.  Apparently, the trust you earned over the past two years from the last thing you did behind my back with that anime chat room that has no safety measures meant nothing to you!  Heck, I tried to be reasonable about the Skype account you opened behind my back just last week.  At least you only chat with your friends with that and I felt I could be reasonable, but now this????  Twitter???  How am I ever going to trust you ever again??  Now, refresh my memory.... when in pray-tel did you ask me permission for this?"

DD:  "When I was in the car with you after you treated me and my friends to lunch and video games after I cleaned my room.  I asked while we were on our way back to the house."

Me:  "I was driving, right?"

DD:  "Yes."

Me:  "Was I looking at you?  Was I in the position to discuss this?  You know, I do happen to pay attention to driving and not all that much to you and your friends speed-talking a bunch of random stuff like you do.  When it comes down to asking for permission for things, you know I want to be sitting with you, face-to-face and really discuss this.... no distractions...  just you and me talking.  I see that as being respectful and being serious about getting permission."

DD:  "Well..... no, you were not looking at me.  I just figured you were listening and that it was okay, but you kept saying 'what?', and I figured you were just joking around so I made the assumption (yes, she used the word assumption) that I could.  Jeeze mom, you never seem to make the time to listen to anything I say.  It hurts my feelings that when I want to talk, you are not listening.  I swear, you just do not care about me."

Me:  "  I do listen and I do care, but when you decide you have to talk, you do this without fully explaining anything.  You just jump in half-way in a thought and assume I know what you are talking about.  Half of the time, what you do decide to talk to me about is what cool thing you found on YouTube or what new character you created on the Wii or your Nintendo DS...  not real important.  You have asked for permission for things before, but only after you already agreed to it before asking me, like if you can sleep over at a friend's house or if a friend can come over.  It puts me in a tough spot and I do my best to be reasonable, but I believed you knew better about things like this, DD, and joining anything on the internet needs more effort from you to actually have a discussion with me.  Never, in my dizziest of days, would I think you would just go and do something like this behind my back!  I am saddened to say, but I can no longer trust you and your judgement.  I am furious and disappointed with you!"

DD:  " I just don't get it, mom....  My friend has a Facebook account, a Twitter account, and Skype.... Why can't I?"

Me:  "Well, sweetheart, it is because I care far too much for your safety.  I do not care what your friends are allowed to have.... you are my responsibility and I am doing the best that I can.  I may not be as free in letting you take risks like your friend's parents and you need to respect me for that.  I am not your friend.... I am your mother!"

DD:  "You don't care about me!  We rarely talk and when I do... you look frustrated and not interested in what I have to say."

Me:  "HOW DARE YOU PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH BY SAYING SUCH A THING!!!  I DO care about you, and I DO look out for your best interests, and I DO listen... when you actually try to focus on having a discussion with me and not when you sputter out random crap that does not make sense!  Don't you dare play that teenage drama queen martyr card with me!  I am not buying it and I refuse to let you put words in my mouth that I have never spoken!  You hide in your room all day and rarely make an effort, so do not place the blame on my shoulders.  I try to respect your space and be reasonable, but apparently, that is not enough for you and you think you are mature enough to make some serious decisions.  How old do you think you are?  Are you 18 and able to vote?  Do you happen to pay the bills here?  Do you have a job?"

DD:  "I am only 12, mom, and no, I cannot vote, I do not have a job and I do not pay the bills here, but I can make decisions by myself.  You don't know me and you never tried.  I did not give out any personal information and Twitter does not ask your age or anything personal to join.  I would never tell anyone anything personal.  That, you told me is what makes the internet or life in general dangerous.  If you would just take the time to listen to me, you would not be so mad."

Me:  "Oh, sweetheart, you have not seen my full capabilities at being mad.  I am beyond mad and it is late, but I am going to tell you this....  Welcome to Hell, little girl.... you asked and I deliver!  That laptop that was my anniversary present from your father is now going to be in my possession again.  You want a computer?  Buy your own because I am not sharing anymore!  That freedom that you thought you earned is gone.  You are now going to be attached to my hip with no entertainment or internet for the rest of the week that you are off from school and I have plenty of errands to run tomorrow (meaning today), so go to bed and be ready early for a day with me.  Sheesh!  I have not even fully embraced the notion you have a boyfriend and you go and really jump over the line!  (shaking my head)  Just when I was starting to trust you again... you blow that to smithereens...  I hope you are proud of yourself..."

UGH!  I am sick to my stomach over this....  I hate being this way, but I have no choice....  Well, off to have yet another full day of talking with my daughter while I take her on my errands of the day.  I am having serious doubts that I can speak rationally with her anymore if I have to go over the same discussion over and over and over again.  Dear God, give me the strength to keep trying my best when it comes to her...  I just do not know if I have any more patience left.....

First lesson of the day for this child of mine.....  To understand that maturity is not an age thing, but having the ability to work within the limitations set in front of you.  Maturity is something reflected in actions, thought, and consideration of others.  Trust and respect are earned and not something you are entitled to.  All it takes is for one poor judgement call and the risk is far greater than the supposed reward you think you are getting.

Socially inept....

I have a love/hate relationship with my Facebook account!  Chances are, I am not the only one that feels the same.  You see, I love the concept of keeping in touch with friends, but I really have no talent in being actually social on a social site.  I mean, I can say "hi" and "here's to hoping everyone has a great day", heck I can even embellish the specific day to reflect the certain holiday like New Years, Valentines Day, Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Oh heck, I can even embellish on saying "happy arbor day... now, go hug a tree!", if the mood moves me for those less than celebrated holidays.  I can be quirky, but not when it comes to typing something I think could be seen as funny.  When it comes to being "laugh out loud" funny...  it is a total crap shoot.  I can't tell a story about something without turning it into some long-winded account that requires me to blog about it so I can share a simple thought.  I realized that I lack the rep of being a sarcastic, crude, funny, nice, lovable, or as one friend acclaimed the status of being called "evil".  I am just.... me, and I really do not know anymore what that really is.  When I manage to post something, I realize that I look at it with an even more scrutinizing eye so that I do not get the dreaded phone call from my family about how I am socializing completely wrong and putting too much information out there for people to misconstrue.

I recall a time when I made a small complaint about having poor time management skills around Thanksgiving a few years back and ended up in a comment battle with my sister-in-law.  She thought I was complaining about my husband (her brother) on a public forum where he could not defend himself.  While I pointed out endless times that I said nothing in reference to my husband and that my comment is about my inability to get my list of things to do done in a timely manner....  I was labeled the bad buy.  Heck, my sister-in-law unfriended me and refused to be in the same room with me when we saw each other over the Christmas gathering at my in-law's house.  In all honesty, I really did not care all that much that she decided to shun me, but she did act in such a way that made me feel quite strongly to punch her in her smug face for being a drama queen.  Oh needless to say....  I know that people are prone to misunderstand what I put out there, so I spend a fair amount of time censoring and re-thinking everything I plan to share.  Heck, it is a strain to figure how to share what I just did share in this blog.  Yep, I am verbally stunted because of the ramifications of what I do, what I think and how I should feel.

Well, back to my love/hate situation.....  As I said before....  I love staying connected with friends, I hate being unable to share without being understood.  There is one other thing that I have come to the conclusion on.....  Facebook has become high school again.  The cliques at how people interact with one another.  I was never one to be in a clique in high school.  I had friends in every group out there.... from geeks/nerds to jocks to the party crew....  I knew a lot of people.  I was never categorized into one group because of my diversified selection of friends.  I was never the center of attention, but I was not hidden in the shadows either.  What bothered me back then was how the attention was spread.  You were either the center of attention or you were a loner; an outcast.  What was in between (like myself), was the elusive space in between....  memorable, but easily forgettable.  While I had it in me to push my way to at least try to be one of the more popular kids in school, my shy nature held me back and had me harbor ill feelings towards those that always were the center of attention.... you know.... the ones that everyone knew and you were not considered worthy to collect the dust in their wake.  Yep, the ones that everyone wanted to be friends with, but got shunned if you did not fit into their world.... this is where social sites, like Facebook, happen to highlight again regardless of the years past.  Well, except it is not really shunning, but feeling like you are invisible on the site.

I know that my friends are not like that, but it does come to mind when a person shares a feeling or thought and nobody comments on it.  It is probably because of how it is taken by the person reading the posting.  Either it comes off as bragging, complaining, or shoving a belief down the throats of everyone who sees it.  The quirky statuses that I have seen even leave me speechless about what to say, so I say nothing.  It is not being mean, it is just not bothering with typing the word "speechless" because of being unsure how to react to it.  I have been on the receiving end of some people that take what I share in a completely different way than I had intended.  That brings on reactions that were not even considered before pressing "send".  I can only gather that I am too afraid to really speak my mind because I would get someone angry.  I get enough fighting and the silent treatment at home, thank you, and I really do not want to burn the bridges that I have built a second time because I cannot be the constant social butterfly.  I just do not know what to do about it and it frustrates me to no end.  I really do not want to be the one clamoring for the coveted spotlight to be the center of attention, but I do not want to come off as a social repellent either.  I am too honest with my feelings and believe me.....  my life is not all rainbows and unicorns.  Really, who needs to be hearing the less than blissfully upbeat life that is mine and mine alone?  Sure, I can share deep thought about what happens around me, I can share my real feelings in a blog, but I really do not know where to stand when it comes to sharing.  I do not want pity for my shortcomings, but I do not want to rub it into everyone's face when something good comes my way, either.

So answer me this.....  what is acceptable to share these days?  Do I remain honest and guarded?  Or do I lie to everyone?  Do I need to share all the places I go?  Or do I share the more interesting things I happen to do?  I can tell people where I went to lunch or dinner, but saying I am eating in my kitchen is a bit boring, don't you think?  Or how I have completed the laundry for the week when everyone knows that next week I will be doing the same thing again?  I do not photograph well and taking my own picture of myself almost seems a bit egotistical if I do that all the time.  Especially since in my line of work, I am known to change my hair from time to time.  I happen to live a very quiet existence in my house with random moments of excitement, but what I consider exciting is far from thrilling in the eyes of others.  I read too many books to share my thoughts on every one of them, but I know that regardless of the genre that I am currently hooked into is not something that interests everyone, so why talk about it?  I can only gather that the reason that DH has nothing to say to me is because we really have nothing new to say.... we have no adventures to take, and our interests have changed.  I want to explore thought and feelings and he would rather sleep on the couch.  Of course, when he does decide to share feelings.... it is the anger that he has bottled up needing release and I am the apparently perfect candidate to taking the slings and arrows to have a nice, long span of time that I get the cold shoulder and silent treatment.  I just do not know anymore....  I am feeling that I need to stop trying to share because there are times I feel even more alone sharing than I do when I am actually alone.....  So there you have it.... a gray mood to match the gray looking day that I see from my window.....

Just thinking.... again....

Good morning/afternoon (depends on when I decide to share AND when you decide to read)....

With all of this reading that I have been doing lately, I have been dreaming of a vacation, of sorts, that I never thought I had considered.  Sadly, not every place I thought of consisted of raging excitement for my family, but has managed to peak my interest just a little.  While everyone dreams of the ultimate vacation to exotic places like the tropical climates of Aruba to the more adventurous locations like Australia, I have been thinking along some very different lines....  I have no clue where this thinking has come from, except for the heartwarming books I have immersed myself into, but I want to go to some little, unknown town somewhere, in fact anywhere, in Texas.  You know, a place where strangers to the town welcome you with open arms and fierce friends come quickly.  I want to walk into a small town bar in jeans, cowboy boots and a cowboy hat to listen to a local band play their songs while I sit at the bar with a cold beer in my hand.  No crazy hustle and bustle surrounding me, just laid-back folks having a good time.

I remember, as a kid, I always had some strong attachment to country music, cowboy gear and wide, open spaces.  For a while, I openly admitted that I was country when country wasn't cool and I enjoyed my eclectic taste in music, but I always enjoyed the sounds of some classic country music in the style of such artists like Patsy Cline, Merle Haggard, The Bellamy Brothers, and such.  Believe me, I still enjoy some country music from time to time, but sadly, the more current artists are more contemporary than classic grass-roots stuff I enjoyed.  Garth Brooks comes to mind....  one of the many that managed to snag the appreciation from both Country as well as Pop culture.  No complaints about his abilities to sing... he does have a voice that manages to get a girl like me to drift off into la-la land.  I know that I have always been a sucker for a southern drawl and the gentlemanly acts of a well-taught-from-his-mama cowboy.  I still have a sigh in my voice when I think about the few southern gentlemen that I did manage to date for a very short while.  Sadly, suburban life was never for them and I was a little too unsure of myself to go running off to live the country life without the assurance of a ring on my finger as a guarantee that I was wanted to be there.  Heck, my early 20's were drama filled enough that I would run away before I saw anything through to the end.  I also knew that life offered no guarantees that I could even make it in a town that small and I had some pretty big dreams that could not be contained.  I was restless and I knew it.  Little did I know.... that once I settled down, I really settled down.  I am no longer the risk taker, no matter how lacking it was in others eyes, once I took the plunge into married life.  Yep, my wild oats were sown and all that is left is the tame and quiet person people see today.  That gets me thinking that I probably was made to be a really good fit in the laid-back south, but never bothered trying.... oh well, too late now.  All I can hope for is a chance for a vacation to one of those places and feel what I am apparently missing in my life.

I do find it interesting that even though DD is not a fan of country music, nor has the interest of ever going to some small town in Texas or wherever that still holds the local slang to a southern drawl...  I do see her being a fit in those places, too.  That small community where everyone knows everyone and gossip spreads like wildfire.  Just one of those places that waves and kind gestures are second nature like breathing has me still long to go there.  I just already know that the suburban life has settled too much in my family's bones to see this kind-of life being too boring that it would bring them to tears.  I can only guess that is why those Southern charmers that I dated happened to high-tail it back to the South....  Suburban life is way too city-living and high-paced for them.  Of course, I could never just drag my family off to a place that sounds just blissful to me.  I would have to take that trip alone to truly appreciate it and I seriously doubt that they would let me do that....  Heck, I would feel just awful leaving them behind if they did let me go.

I do recall in my younger days, taking a little trip to Nashville, Tennessee.  Well, I have taken a few, but I managed to take one by myself.  Driving straight there and taking in the sights was nice, but still lacked the small town feel that I longed for.  Come to think of it....  I think I realized the reason why I feel so drawn there...  to the south, that is....  It is the stress-free feeling of people not having real high expectations; to take life as it comes and just a smile is good enough.  Don't get me wrong....  I have no doubt that they wake up early to work a full long, and hard day, but when it comes to down time....  they know how to do it right and it does not require fighting over the remote and falling asleep on the couch.

So... Have you ever thought of where you would want to go that seemed odd for a vacation, but the reasoning behind it makes sense to only you?  Where would that be and would you ever just go to experience it?  I mean, a cruise along the ocean might seem nice, but just going somewhere off the beaten path might be just as nice.  Heck, having an adventure in the wilds of Australia sounds like a good time, but exploring somewhere that represents a speck on the map can be just as adventurous....  just not on such a huge scale.  I guess it is all in what you take from the experience and what you manage to see that others just can't that makes any adventure a worthwhile thing to do.  I really wish I could go on my Southern adventure, but alas, I know I can't and that is just plain sad.  Maybe I need to look at the local things I have around me with the same interest and awe as if it is a new place to experience and maybe that will ease the "travel bug" that is itching for release, but if you are able to take that trip....  I would highly recommend getting as many experiences as you can since we only get one chance at this thing we call.... life.

Thanks for taking the journey with me and have a great day!!!

No more, I say... NO MORE! (Yeah, right)

Spent yesterday cleaning house and realized that my previous attempts at getting my clutter-bug family to stop making a mess in their wake with going on strike are futile!  I have silently waited for their "ah-ha" moment to arrive that in order to have a clean house, you need to maintain what has already been cleaned.

Yeah, right....

No more, I say, no more being silent in my quest for having them see the light...  No more picking up after the typhoons of DH and DD while biting my tongue.  It has come to the pivotal moment that my silent enabling ways to end and I need to be more verbal in my quest.  Yep, yet another attempt to instill some semblance of change around here and I fear that I lack the gumption to follow through.  I HAVE BECOME A CREATURE OF HABIT LIKE THEM and I know it!!  

Yesterday was proof in the pudding, so to speak, that I need to change my ways in order to have them see the light.  As I spent my day sweeping, mopping, and scrubbing every surface in sight...  I became aware that my family likes to watch the cleaning magic unfold.  DH was the first one I noticed watching me toil away when he came home for lunch.  Now, I do not expect him to not take his midday break from working at the garage to assist me in cleaning the house and not eat his lunch, but really.... is the perpetual whining about making a tray of ice cubes really necessary?  Or the half-arsed way he deals with the mail when he walks in so daunting that he cannot throw away the junk mail when the garbage can is less than two steps away?  Or even moving an empty recyclable container a mere six inches into the bag set aside to collect said recyclables?  Gee whiz, man!  Didn't you read the memo?  Couldn't you buy a clue?  You know I spend my days cleaning around here, but all these added and completely unnecessary steps are killing me?  Do I really need to go around the house to gather the garbage that I haul out to the curb every week, too?  Do I really need to hunt for dirty clothes to wash, dry, fold, and put away for you?  I really do not mind doing the work, but these extra steps to achieve the end result are really hitting my last nerve....

Well, after cleaning up the mess that DH left behind from his quick lunch visit, I got back to the tasks that I was attending to before he came home.  In what felt like five minutes later, DD comes home from school.  The backpack lands on the floor, in the middle where people happen to walk and proceeds to make herself a snack.  Her coat gets thrown over a chair, her shoes are scattered in the path of the doorway, and she proceeds to pour herself a glass of fruit punch in the style of Tom Cruise from the movie "cocktail" and spills some of it on the just scrubbed table that I just freed from the pile of junk mail that DH could not just throw out.  She watches me climb onto a chair to start wiping the dust off the ceiling fan in the kitchen, hears the microwave "ding" and she takes off with a plate of heated frozen corn, but leaves the butter and the knife on the counter for me to deal with....  Sigh, I silently work on cleaning that up (which takes a whole 30 seconds) and realized that I will probably lose another utensil that will probably take up residence in her room.... Oh joy!  Then I hear laughter and weird noises from her room....  apparently, she is decompressing from her day with video chat with her friend that stayed home sick from school today.  Still, no dirty dishes returned to the rightful places an hour later.  I make my presence known while I scrub down the bathroom that she utilizes to find that room trashed with towels on the floor, dirty clothes spilling out into the hallway and garbage sitting on the counter.  After cleaning that up, I venture off to another part of the house to clean.... the bathroom that DH, DD and myself use the shower and hear DD wander into the already cleaned bathroom upstairs.  Just like the Febreeze commercial where the mom cleans up the toys to turn around and see all of the toys on the floor again.... I see all the stuff I put away in its rightful place....  scattered all over again!  Drawers to the vanity left open and the freshly washed towel laying on the floor just under where it should be hanging.  UGH!  I silently go about to clean it up again before I venture off to mopping the downstairs bathroom floor and take all that clothes that DH and DD have left around the house to the laundry room to sort and get ready to be washed, dried and folded.  A pile that needs to be folded and put away are sitting in a basket and I just shake my head and decide that I can get to it tomorrow.  It was time to take the garbage to the curb and I had to start making dinner soon.

As I walk into the kitchen, I find yet another spill on the table and this one managed to leave a little on the floor......  OH THIS IS IT!!!  "Oh, daughter!!!!" I shout.  "Yes, mom?" she says with a timid tone in her voice, knowing I am now clinging onto the last frayed nerve.  "While I happen to be placed on this Earth to take care of keeping the house clean, I would appreciate it if you STOP TRASHING THE PLACE!  Between you and your father.... I will be dead from exhaustion before my next birthday.  How about giving your mom a break and wipe up your spills, huh?  I just mopped today and I really do not think it is necessary to keep mopping until you go back to school tomorrow to have a break from that task.  I still need to forage for the dirty clothes that I know I overlooked since I cannot complete one room in one sweep.  Really, I take the weekend off and this house ends up looking like I never clean around here.  This is getting ridiculous!"  DD looks at me with that blank stare that tells me that she is selectively listening for key words to make it look like she is actually hearing me, but I know better.  DH does the same thing to me all-the-time...  I know that I have my work cut out for me when she takes a paper towel and places it over the spill and walks away....  UGH!

Well, after I think I have it all under control and to a level that I can manage, I leave some stuff to deal with today, but sadly, yet again, DH decided to have a snack after dinner and leaves a trail of chip crumbs from the kitchen to the living room and has no desire to pick them up.  I SNAP...  "You know I love you, right?" I say as the opening to try to soften the blow.  DH just looks at me, sighs and knows that I am rearing up to go into a tirade over the mess I now need to clean up again.  I pull out the vacuum and hand it to him and say.... "We no longer have a dog that is willing to suck up every last crumb you happen to drop throughout the house and I believe, since the last time I checked in the mirror, I am lacking 4-legs, fur, and the desire to eat garbage off the floor to be the family pet.  While I know that it is my job to maintain the inside of this house, I refuse to follow you around with a cleaning kit attached to my hip like my other neighbor.  I am willing to do all the cooking, cleaning and laundry, but I really do not think it is fair that I have to scrounge around and collect the dirty clothes to wash them, or collect the dishes from all corners of the house to wash them, or redo something I already did like mopping or vacuuming just hours ago because you refuse to put your chips in something other than your hands as you walk about the house.  It is just common sense and common courtesy to at least try to keep things clean around here.  Most of the stuff is easy and remotely painless to do, but yet I have two of you proving to me that bending over to pick something up is far too difficult of a task for you to accomplish.  Now, while you are now being required to vacuum up this mess, I have to take the garbage to the curb and obviously cannot be in two places at once, so get cracking!"

Needless to say, I got the silent treatment from my family for the rest of the evening, but at least I got to stop cleaning an hour before falling unconscious on the couch.  So much for taking an hour or two to wind down with my book.  Well, off to do more....  My little snap from yesterday did not sink in their thick skulls...  I get to re-clean the bathrooms and the kitchen before I can tackle the laundry today.