Of course, as we all strive to keep a level head at all times, we tend to shy away from letting that pressure cap pop off and really let the steam fly to get the needed release we so desperately seek in order to feel calm again. Some call this hitting your threshold of patience and understanding, but lets be honest here.... it is not actually hitting a threshold as it is breaking through a barrier that separates inaction from action.
Here is what brings this topic to blog-worthy status today.....
Just this past weekend, I was sick and not some easy-peasy little sniffle with a cute little sneeze attached... nooooooo, this was the NAPALM of attacks. It hit hard and fast. I did not have a chance to foresee the magnitude until it was too late and darn near passed out at the wheel on my way to see a doctor or anyone with a medical degree that could get me hooked up with the necessary medicine to battle the cold (which became a bronchial AND sinus infection in less than 24 hours from the acknowledged onset). Believe me... I am still not at 100%. I still feel weak and tired, but the antibiotics are finally doing something as well as the decongestant sprays and oral decongestant I needed in order to feel somewhat functioning again. Needless to say, I was nowhere near my A-game of attitude. Heck, to be honest.... I would have needed a map, a GPS, a compass, and a Sherpa to get me even close to familiar territory.
Knowing I was so far out of my element, I hoped and prayed that my family would step up and take the reigns of what was needed to be done in my absence. I probably should have prayed harder, but I was just too worn out to do more than I did, but alas, my family stayed true to protocol and expected me to do everything. I barely managed to make dinner on Saturday night. When Sunday came about.... I was completely useless. I had virtually no strength in me. I was attached to the couch, my pillow and my blanket. The night before, I battled hours of shaking from a fever, suffered another back spasm, and flipped about trying to find relief from clogged sinuses with a stack of tissues catching the constant drip from my nose. Eyes watered without emotion in such a way that upon looking at me, you would think I was crying. Heck, it felt like I was being water-boarded and I had no secrets to keep from enemy soldiers. When I did manage to stand and move about.... my family looked at me with eyes like a starving animal was silently looking at its owner to telepathically demand me to feed them. Guilt came over me that I was just not physically able, but as soon as I acknowledged the feeling.... I was enraged at how nobody would just step up and do anything to help me (or themselves).
DD asked me to give her a ride to the animal shelter for her volunteering stint. REALLY???? I am obviously feeling (and looking like death walking), but apparently I am supposed to put being sick on the back burner and drive DD to the animal shelter? Why isn't DH stepping up and taking her?
I tell DD to ask her father to take her.
DH drops off DD at the animal shelter (literally) without walking her in to verify the time of pickup. Heck, he never left the car. He pulled up to the door, dropped her off, and drove back home with zero clue to when she will need a ride home. I, on the other hand, obviously know when since I am the one always doing the driving on the weekends.
DH decides waiting for me to feed him is not happening and he grabs a sandwich. Never offering if I may need to eat something. I guess a grumbling tummy makes you forget that the wife suffering on the couch just might like a hand from time to time.
I notice the looks DH is flinging my way. That, "aren't you going to make the grocery list?" look. The audible sighs of impatience that I am not buzzing around the house compiling the weekly shopping list or asking what he would like for the weekly meal selection since I gave up choosing what I would like to cook because of the picky palates I am required to accommodate. Since I am not in the mood for a fight, I bite my tongue and make the list, and went to lay down afterwards. I left the list for him and thought he would go get DD from volunteering and take her with him to the grocery store and get this task done since I am too sick to even move. I apparently was wrong. I wake up from a short nap and see that DH has not left the recliner and it was time to get DD from the animal shelter. I look at him with pleading eyes, silently begging him to do this weeks grocery shopping trip without me and get our daughter from the animal shelter. He looks at me with a reply of a man waiting for his wife to get her backside in gear for a fun trip to the grocery store, oh, and I (the sick one) gets to drive.
Suddenly, my attitude changes to one of a woman on the edge and looking for a frying pan to fling at her husband. I sigh and succumb to my fate that I will have to go grocery shopping and get our daughter, too. The hopes of getting a break to rest have been crushed.
With shoulders slumped, I grab my coat, shoes, purse, keys, and the grocery list and tell DH we need to go get this errand done so I can rest. DH saunters off to the bathroom for the before-we-go-anywhere potty break while I mumble cursing statements on my way to the car. Our first stop is the animal shelter to get DD. I ask DH to go and get her and he refuses to leave the car to do so. I sigh and get out of the car, muttering more curses while I enter the animal shelter to get DD. Upon getting DD, I inform her that we, as a family, are now required to get this shopping trip done. She is not happy and gets her ear buds out to tune out her family.... oh joy... and gets in the car and off we go to the grocery store.
Upon parking, DH bounces out of the car and practically skips into the grocery store while DD and I were walking like we are heading off to the executioner. Her, tuning out everyone with her music blaring in her ears and I, muttering angry thoughts between sneezes and coughs. I grab onto a cart for balance and push myself through the store. I ask for my healthy family to grab the things on the list while I push the cart so I can try to contain the illness within my little bubble... sneezing and coughing in my coat instead of my hand.
We are half way through our shopping and in the frozen foods section. DH is bouncing like a kid at Christmas, wanting to show DD a brand of ice cream that the brand name is the same as his. DD is not interested and I think she said, "whatever", and DH blows a gasket with the comment of, "oh joy, I get to deal with a pair of crab-asses in the grocery store", in a tone that finally snapped my filter of trying to be reasonable. That is when I just snapped and shouted in the grocery store about not being all that happy being dragged to go grocery shopping while I am sick (cursing/colorful language included). People turned and looked at me snap back at DH's comment (which, by the way, was not shouted, but loud enough for others to hear). DH was not all that happy about my outburst and the rest of the trip consisted of stuff being literally slam-dunked and thrown in the cart. The silent treatment started and has not exactly ended as of yet and it has been since Sunday afternoon and it is Wednesday now.
DH is not a fan of talking things out and even less of a fan of considering another's point of view. Heck, I doubt he acknowledged me struggling to remain upright while being as sick as I was. I think he refused to believe me that I was that sick. I, of course, can admit that I am just as at fault about this. I should have asked instead of assumed that people would be willing to do what I usually do when I am obviously sick as well as I should have informed everyone that my patience is basically nonexistent and to leave me alone so I can figuratively get my head on straight. Even more obviously, I should have never enabled my family to be they way that they are. I do everything without asking for help. I never delegated anything to others because if I can do it... why make someone else do it for me.... Sadly, as I am willing to admit my faults, DH refuses and thus being on day #3 of the silent treatment, with probably a few more days of silent treatment to go. It is just now a waiting game for DH to cool off and return to acting like this never happened in the first place. Sure, it is wrong to wait for the other person to decide when to let things go and move forward without talking, but this is how it has been handled for years. I would love to change it, but when only one is willing and the other is not? It is a waste of energy pushing the issue. I should know. I have tried for the past 15 years and I am out of ideas on how to change it and I am just so very tired.
Now, another event that happened while I am trying to get back to my "A- game".... I asked DD on Monday if she could at least clean her room. I know.... I know.... Every parent argues with their child over how messy they are and there is a perpetual long-standing argument over having a clean living environment. I know I had those same arguments with my mother about cleaning my room. While I will admit that I am not at the level of OCD neat-freak status, I am not exactly a slob either. Sure, I will go into shut-down mode and not clean for a few days. Heck, I even managed to take a week off from picking up after my family. What baffles me is how my family can look past the mess and not do anything about it. I can only assume that the threshold of acceptance of being messy is far higher than mine because I always manage to hit a breaking point and just do things myself. I am just saddened at how my family seems so at ease of not caring anymore and even more saddened at how it is easier for them to shame me into taking the reigns and take care of things all the time. Sure, there is a level of enabling on my part because I do care more, but how do I convince others to care as much as I do? Words are not working. Actions are not appreciated. Even not doing a thing refuses to create a spark in them to do more. I just don't get it and I guess I never will, but haven't you ever wondered? And if you managed to tap into knowing their threshold, how so many arguments can be avoided with that knowledge?
Needless to say.... DD has not cleaned her room, DH has not tried to talk things out, I am still out of ideas in getting any change in a positive way, and I have stuff to do. I just have to take comfort in believing that I am not alone on this journey. Thanks for reading and have a great day!!
