Hoping for a better year to all.....Even me :)

2010 is just about over.  In less than 12 hours, there will be a change.....

Are you ready for it?

Anticipation of a new year is something everyone feels.  Just the word "new year" give it a sense of a new beginning.  Kind of like the slate of the previous year is cleared and there is new things to discover.

Some might do a little self discovery.  What was important is no longer a real issue and what what not all that an issue will become really important.  It creates a new path to take in life that becomes yet another life lesson.

Some might make a resolution to change something about them.  It might be a commitment to better health, to see the number on the scale go down, or even fit in a different size of clothes.  It could be breaking old habits and creating new ones.  It could be a new promise to themselves to do something to better their surroundings.

As for myself, I did not make any resolutions this year.  I made a commitment to myself.  Resolutions are plans; a thought of what you really want, but no real commitment.  Resolutions get broken if the bar of the intended goal is way too high or there is a time limit.  Real high expectations set you up for bigger disappointments.  I plan to expect less and be pleasantly surprised if I get more.

2010 was a tough year for me and probably everyone else I know.  They just don't show it like I do.  Frustration, stress, depression and feeling inadequate or alone is not a way to spend a year.  Everyone has experienced these feelings at one time or another.  Weaker ones would commit suicide, stronger ones will find strength to seek some happiness and the determination to live on.  I am not saying that I have been completely miserable in 2010, I have had some really happy moments.  Friends and family is what keeps me grounded and faith keeps me going.  Hope and faith that when things seem so bleak, should get better.  It is like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

If I could guarantee that 2011 is a prosperous year for all, there would be a lot of really happy people.  I am even a little apprehensive saying that.  There are no guarantees of what will happen in life and I cannot guarantee everyone's happiness.  What makes one happy does not necessarily make others just as happy.  One thing rings true with everyone since the economic downfall that started in 2008, (or so we all think it started there.  Chances are, it has been falling well before then.) is the feeling of financial freedom.  My husband and I have struggled to stay afloat for about a year now.  Oh, how we long for the days that we could actually do something fun like take a family vacation, buy something we want instead of need, to be generous during the holidays.  Those days went away and we are not sure when they are coming back.  We just hope they come back real soon.  I have no doubts that there are plenty of others thinking the same thing.  I know that there are people wishing to even afford the basic necessities, so there are others struggling harder than we are.

I just wonder if praying and hoping for better things to come is the trick to making the new year that is coming a better year for all.  I sure hope so because that is all I can do.  I can easily blame the government, the greedy fortune 500 company owners, and anything else I can think of for my 2010 being a tough one, but in reality, it is up to me to decide if it is going to be hard or not.  How I feel about things is under my control, not by the circumstances that happen around me.  My commitment for 2011 is to make it whatever I want it to be.  I plan on making the best of everything and freely offer the best I can do.  There are huge challenges that lay ahead, I might fail, I will falter, but I will keep trying.

I wish you all the best for 2011 and to leave the tragic legacy that 2010 has given us behind.  Make tomorrow a clean slate and a new beginning filled with hope, faith and prosperity :)

A pinch of this and a dash of that.....

Today was the day I thought I was going to dread.  My daughter decided to go to the mall.  I personally hate shopping and I was not really in the mood for crowds.

This is the week after Christmas.  If you thought that Christmas shopping at the mall is a complete nightmare, then you have not experienced the week after.  People everywhere!!  Some returning or exchanging gifts they did not like, others taking advantage of the major sales at the stores.  There is even a fair number of teens that just hang out because it is too cold to do much else.  This is obviously not my cup of tea.

As we spend about 15 minutes driving around, looking for a parking spot in the same vicinity of the mall, we opt to park in the fist spot available that felt like we parked one county over.  We finally get into the mall.  All I can think is, "oh joy, mayhem.  Just what I was missing in my life, to be stuffed into a building with really clueless people."

I decided to put my best foot forward and deal with my internal misery.  This is what my daughter wanted to do, so I am there just for her.  As we walk around the mall, we come across a kiosk for cell phone covers.  My daughter has been begging for a new and cooler cell phone for about a month.  Buying one is just out of the question.  Cell phones are not status symbols, they are for making calls in the case of an emergency, or so I thought.  I get to hear, over and over again, how her friends have really cool cell phones and hers is so..... plain.  Thinking that they have a cool skin or cover for her phone should stave off the nagging about a new phone.  We look around and there is no covers for her style of phone.  If she had an iPhone, there were plenty of choices, but alas, she doesn't.  She looks sad and continues to plea for a new phone.

"No go, kiddo" is all I can tell her.  Money is too tight.  "Be happy with the fact you have a cell phone"....  Apparently, that is not the thing to tell a pre-pre-teen in this day and age.  I can see the sadness in her face.  It breaks my heart that I cannot give her everything, but I never got half the stuff she has now back when I was a kid.  Suddenly, I am sounding like my mother with telling her one of those "back in the day when I was your age" stories.  I can see her attention fading fast, so I have a brilliant idea......

Lets decorate your phone!  Lets get some really cool gem stickers to add some "bling" to this thing.  Make it your one-of-a-kind original.  Suddenly, she snaps too and agrees.  We go on the search for really cool stickers.  12 stores later, both our patience is wearing thin.  I call my best friend for advice in finding really cool stickers.  She tells me of a place that is not in the mall and we go there.  Needless to say, we found what sparked my daughter's interest and $6.00 later and a trip back home, she is off being creative.  Next thing I see is one really tricked-out phone and a happy kid.

Sometimes, all it takes is a bit of creativity to make something old, new again.

So glad it worked, because her choice of phone would have set me back about $80.00 and a 2 year contract that costs more than what we already pay.  Gotta love Kajeet.com.  150 minutes and unlimited text for $20.00 a month is a far cry to what Sprint has for phone plans.  Crisis averted and I am pretty happy about it.

Just another random rant.....

I realized that as we get older, our level of patience runs really thin.  What was never an issue becomes the biggest issue to deal with.  I have prided myself on being a reasonable person, in fact, a very patient person, too.  I try to see the other's point of view and I accept that everyone is different.  Not just in appearance, but in their thought process.  I take advice to heart even if the advice is easier said than done.  I consider myself pretty smart and resourceful.  If a problem arises, I try every possible idea and suggestion to see if I get a result.

Here are just a few "hurdles" I have been trying to overcome.....

Well, this first one is probably the hardest one I have and even the hardest one to write about.  Please keep in mind, I love my mother.  She is one tough woman.  She speaks her mind and does not care what others think.  In fact, she is one that can bring out the best and worst in me.  She is highly opinionated and will give you her opinion if you want it or not.  She is also an understanding and kind person, even thoughtful, but there are times that she can really test my patience level.

Every morning, my mom calls me.  8:00am on the dot, unless she has a doctor's appointment at that time, then she makes sure to call me the day before to let me know and then calls me when she gets home.  There a lot of phone calls I get from her in the day, but I understand that getting lonely is hard to deal with.  You see, my dad passed away a little over 9 years ago.  He was her soul mate, her best friend, her everything.  All of her children are grown and on their own.  My older brother still lives with her in the family home to make sure that she is well taken care of, but does have a job to go to and a social life to uphold so he cannot be there all the time.  I do my best to spend time with her, I take her to the store sometimes and I even have taken her to doctor's appointments (if she asks).  We sometimes go out for lunch just to get out of our houses.  I know that if I ever needed help, she would be the first one there for me, as I am for her.

It is just that there are times that since she is so opinionated, she can be relentless.  Sometimes I think she takes pride in pushing my buttons.  She can be so narrow sighted that there is no way to get her to see another's point of view.  She lives in a black and white kind-of world, there are no gray areas.  When it comes to me or my daughter, she expects us to have high expectations; only the best will do.  That would be fine and dandy, but life will have it's disappointments and shortcomings.  We learn to adapt.  That is not acceptable in her book.  She will tell me what to do.  Interesting thing, when she makes her suggestions, she seems to not notice that I am smart enough to have already tried that.  When she does this, it makes me feel as if she thinks I am clueless.  I know I am not, but as I said earlier, she can really push my buttons.

As sensitive as a person that I am (just a recent revelation), I am a sponge to my environment.  I react similar to my surroundings.  If a friend is mad, I am mad with them.  If they are sad, I am sad too.  Frustrated is so commonplace these days that being frustrated really takes no effort.  What makes it hard for a sensitive person like myself these days is that people are getting better at masking their woes as I am unable to mask my own.  That is just a recipe for people to run in the other direction.  I can't blame them.  There are days I want to run away myself.  Since running away from myself is not an option, I use blogging as my way of release.  I think really hard about what I want to say, to be as clear as possible and let the chips fall were they may.

Maybe I should introduce my mom to blogging.  She has loads to say.  Well, maybe not.  She tells me that she likes to keep her thoughts to herself......

A twisted view.....

Wow!  The new year is upon us all!  Say goodbye to 2010 and hello to 2011.

What comes to mind when the beginning of a new year is upon us?

Some see it as an opportunity to party like a maniac with friends and family.  Others see it as an opportunity to have a fresh start.  Most make resolutions to challenge themselves to be thinner, to quit smoking, to make going to the gym a ritualistic thing.

As for me...  It is random thoughts and wondering with a touch of making a resolution...

Resolutions are just high expectations with a time limit.  After all the holiday feasts, going on a diet is an obvious choice.  I try each year, but quit after a few months.  My cravings for junk food, chocolate and sometimes beer are my recipe for failure.  I know, I know....  Moderation is the key.  Diets don't work.  Getting to a healthy or even ideal weight is going to take a lifestyle change if you really want it.  I know that I am a weak person because I let everything effect my journey to get back into a single digit size of jeans.

It is really hard to eat healthy when everything has gone to crap.  The economy has got our household in a pinch.  Being on a budget makes it real hard to buy healthier choices if you can't get them with coupons.  A majority of the foods we eat are either hormone injected or chemically processed for the masses.  I watched Food, Inc. and I am even a bit leery about what we eat.

I am in the midst of looking for another job to help my family financially.  We are on the verge of going under if we are not careful in how we manage our money.  Finding a job is like trying to find Waldo.  I am a hairdresser, by trade, and I can easily find a job at another salon, but the service industry is suffering.  Earning commission is a feast or famine world and we have been starving.  Finding a job that pays an hourly wage takes a college degree unless you like flipping burgers. There was a time I was qualified to work in an office, but since the crash in the economy, employers are looking for people that they do not need to train.  I have been out of that loop for years and there are plenty of people very qualified to fill those jobs.  Entry level is the thing of the past.  The stress of it all makes me crave chocolate in the worst way....  Not the healthiest of food choices.

Everything we do takes some form of conscious thought.  We work to make money so we can have the basic necessities.  We think about what we wear, we think about what we say (more so when it comes to me), we think about what we eat (some more than others), we make decisions all the time.  When our thought process is squashed by our environment, or in this case, economy, we tend to be less than optimistic.

Does the new year posses some kind of magic that everything will get better?  Nope.  January 1st is just the start of the new calendar year.  All the strife and struggle is still there.  We just look at it differently, we enter it with hope.  So why make a resolution to make your changes at the start of the calendar year?  It just creates hype and then disappointment.  I should know.  I have failed every resolution I have ever made.  This year is different.  I am not making a resolution.  You can't fail a resolution if you never made one :)

When it comes to my journey of losing weight, I am just going to try and keep trying.  I have to work with what I have because I know that 2011 is not going to be great if I do not put any effort into it.

Hopefully, 2011 is the year that we even get out of this economic funk, the government stops drowning us in debt, jobs for all, and the resurrection of the American Dream.  A girl can dream, right?

Happy New Year everyone :)

Interesting thing about how people are different.....

First things first....  Being Christmas and all.....  I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.  May all your holiday wishes come true!!

Well, on to my topic for today...

Lets ponder for a bit.  What do you think when you hear the following statement.....  Actions speak louder than words.  The statement is pretty self-explanatory to me.  A person's actions speak volumes.  It could tell a person what they want or desire, it can tell a person that they care about you, it can tell you a lot about that person.  What we do and how we react to it is what makes every person different.

Now, what do you think when someone does nothing?  Lets elaborate...  When a person says one thing and does nothing.  Here is where I had an "ah ha" moment.  Just a couple of days ago, there was a gathering at a local bar.  Some people that attended were people that I have not seen in years.  I figured that it would be nice to go and see everyone.  I have been suffering cabin fever, so getting out was a welcome thing.  Sadly, it was a weeknight.  My husband is most likely going to be working late again.  Sometimes, it is actually work, other times it is beers and buddies.  I knew that since it was the night before Christmas Eve, it was going to be a beer and buddies thing, I figured I would call my husband at work and ask if I could go out after he gets home.  I think it is a courtesy to ask for permission even though I know he has no problem with me going out once in a while.  Crossing my fingers in hopes that I am not actually interrupting work, but fun time (I learned about my amazing talent to call at the worst possible time), I ask.  I even asked if there was a time that he was planning on getting home, so I could be ready to go out once he walks in the door.  He tells me that he is just about ready to leave and should be home in 10 minutes.  He even said that it was a good idea to get out and have some fun.  I was thrilled.

I waited and waited for him to get home.  The 10 minutes already came and went... not home.  An hour passes... not home.  Two hours pass.... not home.  I am getting more and more frustrated.  Not home, no call... nothing.  My mind starts to wander and I wonder if a person says that they are going to be home at a certain time and does not show up or even call is their way of saying the complete opposite of what was said. He told me that is was okay to go out.  He said he would be home in 10 minutes.  Hmmm.....  I guess his disregard of time tells me that he really does not want me to go out.  The lack of a phone call is his way of avoiding to tell me of his decision.  Then I start to worry....  Did he get in an accident?  Not home and no call could mean something terrible, so I call his cell phone.  He answers.  He is fine.  He just got tied up in a conversation with a person and had a couple more beers.  He never even looked at his watch to see that he was supposed to be home over 2 hours ago.  WTF!  I am furious!

In a stage of complete frustration and rage, I sputter out this statement and it became my "ah ha" moment.....

"Well, I am glad that you are just fine and dandy, but I figured that when a person says that they are going to do something and be home in a certain time frame, they would do as they say.  I am getting the very strong impression that you really do not want to let me go out and see friends.  Instead of telling me 'no' when I asked, you decided to tell me otherwise by your actions, or in this case, no actions."  He tells me that I am completely wrong and I am reading way into things.  That it was an honest mistake and that he really wants to let me out for the night and he will definitely be home in 10 minutes to watch our daughter so I can go.  Needless to say... it took him 20 minutes to get home after we hung up the phone.

There it was... My "ah ha" moment!!  I can see the light and it is beautiful!!  The clouds have parted and I can hear the angels sing.

I am one stubborn person!  Not stubborn in refusing to move from one spot, but stubborn in thinking.  I have a certain level of expectation and if it is not met, I get bent.  I want to know and understand, but I refuse to ask questions.  I internalize way too much and come to my own conclusions.  Sometimes I am right, but most of the time, I am wrong.

The book 'Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus' is completely wrong when it comes to me.  I am not a 'girly-girl' and I am not a 'dude', but a mixture of it.  I am a tomboy.  I have always been and I always will be.  I like trucks, sports, and my choice of clothes are Jeans and t-shirts, but I prefer to wear makeup and do my hair before going out.  I am not afraid to ask for directions, but I prefer to figure it out by myself.  I am a good listener, but there are times I go directly to 'fix-it' mode.  I would rather punch than slap.  I am soft, but I am tough.  When it comes to my choice of drink in the bar...  it is a beer in the bottle.  I am a mutt, a mix of it all.  I guess that is why I can relate to so many people.  I am a mother and wife.  I am a daughter and a friend.  I am one heck of a journey to get to know, but a worthwhile one :)

Ask and ye shall receive.... REALLY?

The old saying "ask and ye shall receive" was never one of my stronger things when it came to me being the one that asks.  I think I am pretty self-sufficient and as long as I put my heart into it and really try, I am capable of doing anything.  I really do not know a lot of women that can change the oil in their car, change a tire, set up a VCR/DVD combo or even fix a small appliance.  Given the proper instructions, I believe that anyone can do those things as long as they try.

Learning from mistakes is what life is all about.  Even when it comes to who you are as a person.  We all have had relationships that offered a big lesson in what we want in a partner.  We all probably mixed colors in with the whites in the laundry at least once in our lives.  We probably tried and failed at cooking something really difficult. All of these experiences enrich us and teach us.  It is really never thought of as a learning process, but as a "note to self" moment.  It is all in how we look at it.

Knowing what we like or don't like takes the courage to at least try things once.... maybe twice.  I feared sushi for years.  I finally got the courage to try it and I love it.  I even have craving for it from time to time.  Sometimes trying something new can change the way you think about a lot of things.  Since becoming a fan of sushi, I really don't like canned tuna anymore.  Some things actually taste better raw.  My point in this little drift from the true subject is to point out that experiences can change what was considered acceptable into something not liked very much.  Not hated, but moved down the list of what I really like.  The same goes for in relationships.  When I got married almost 13 years ago, I married for one set of priorities and traits that I deemed acceptable.  As the years have passed, what was not important has become really important and vise versa.

Back to me being self-sufficient.  Well, since I am able to do so much on my own, I rarely ever ask for help.  I hated inconveniencing people.  If I can do it myself, I should do it myself.  In my house, I do all the cooking and cleaning.  My husband usually takes care of the outside.  During the summer, he mows the lawn, trims the bushes, whacks the weeds.  Come winter, things change.  Besides doing the household work, I go outside and shovel the snow.  Snow happens often where I live.  No rhyme or reason, it just snows.  This is not like lawn maintenance that gets done once a week.  When it snows, I want it off my driveway and sidewalk.  I tell people it is because I want it to be safe for others, but I believe I have a bit of OCD about keeping the driveway and sidewalks clear.  Packed down snow from walking or driving on it bothers me like nails on a chalkboard.  Snowblowers cannot clear away snow the way I like it so I shovel.  If the snow is heavy, I will use the snowblower and then go over it again with the shovel.  My neighbors think I am nuts, but they appreciate my hard work when they come over.  Some even try to keep up with me.  It just pushes me harder to do more and better....LOL.

Well, today is Christmas Eve and I am having my family come over.  I have started the cooking and decided to clear the driveway once more before my family comes over.  This time because I do care about their safety.  My mom is no spring chicken and if she falls, something will break.  I did not clear the snow as well as I usually do when the freezing rain came along, so I had a small layer of snow covered in ice.  You have better traction if there is snow under the ice.  When the freezing rain stops, I shovel the ice and snow with ease.  Well, I was a bit lazy in doing that and some of the ice covered show packed down and became packed ice.  With all the cooking I am doing, I could not focus on getting my driveway done.

Going against the every fiber of my being, I prepared myself to ask for help.  My husband graciously offered to finish what I started with the shoveling.  Figuring that was just dumb luck, I went a little further.  I knew that I would not have enough time to do everything by myself, I asked for some more help.  Asking is hard for me, but now I have my husband and daughter helping me with all that I needed to do.  I even got time to blog!

The new thing I learned is that people are willing to help, if you ask for it.  If not, you are on your own.

Happy Christmas Eve everyone :)

Angry wonder moments...

I think of myself as a nice person.  Especially around the holiday season.  I would figure that everyone gets a little nicer, regardless of their beliefs.  Well, I guess I was wrong.

No, this is not a "pity me" moment.  Just a really pissed off person this morning.....

Today began the usual way, or so I thought.  My husband got up to get showered and dressed for work.  He makes himself a little breakfast and watches the news in the family room downstairs with the volume really low, not to wake anyone up.  When it is time for him to go, he comes upstairs to wake me up to let me know he is going to work and gives me a kiss goodbye.  This is what we do.

Well, as my husband is getting ready to leave our bedroom, he just happens to look out the window and sees one of our Christmas figurines laying out near the street.  He sighs and decides to ask me if I could recognize if it is the Mickey Mouse figurine or is it the Minnie Mouse figurine.  In a half-awake haze, I get up to look.  I can't tell.  You need to see the face.  I shake my head in disbelief and head out of the bedroom to get a coat and shoes on.

I go out in the cold.  Me my pajamas (which are sweat pants and a t-shirt), my winter coat and a pair of shoes.  I go help investigate the damage.  I am not happy about this.....

This year, we went very simple with our outside decorations, or lets just say my husband went simple with the decorations.  I guess saying "we" needs to change if I had nothing to do with it.  He does the outside, I decorate the inside.  This year, our decorations outside consisted of lights along the roof line and two figurines in the yard....  Mickey and Minnie Mouse in their caroling clothes, illuminated by a light bulb.  They stood about 3 feet tall.  They were cute.  All the other figurines stayed in storage and I am thankful for that... now.

We go outside to investigate "the scene".  The footprints in the snow really can't tell us much except that a person walked up to our house, ripped up Mickey and Minnie from the the stakes that held them in place and took them.  We only managed to find one.....  Mickey was laying by the street, face down.  Minnie is nowhere to be seen.

I am not the most cheerful morning person.  My husband and daughter know that first hand.  I try really hard to be nice when I wake up in the morning.  No, I don't need coffee to wake me up, just some peace and quiet.  A half hour or so does the trick.  This morning was not one of those morning that I can call a good one and my day is probably going to be completely shot if I let it happen.  I am just in raw anger.  That punk who did this is darn lucky that I did not see them do this, because I would have ripped their head off and delivered it to their parents on a paper plate.  Criminals and vandals, regardless of where they live do not deserve to be served on silver.

This has happened to my house before.  I believe it was about 5 years ago.  Our home had more decorations than this time.  We managed to find them all, fix them up (because some were damaged), and put them away. Even the police came.  Apparently, our neighborhood was hit by a team of vandals that drove in a really nice SUV.  They hit random houses and left destruction in their wake.  According to an elderly neighbor who was up at the time only got a glimpse of what they drove and a poor visual of who they were.  The police did nothing, except share their thought that it might be some kids from Inverness (a wealthy little town not far from the town I live in) just being destructive out of boredom.

Well, remembering what happened before, that thought raced into my head and I got even angrier.  It is probably some young punks from a huge house and rich parents stomping on things with complete disregard for who they are hurting.

It is just sad that the old saying is going to ring true in my home. Lets just call destroying my outdoor decorations as being "fooled".....  Fool me once... shame on you.  Fool me twice.... shame on me.

I really wish these punks that did this can hear my words.  My next comment is dripping with anger, sarcasm and distain......  Hey, you little pieces of shit!  Thanks for your stupid act of destroying my Christmas decorations.  You ruined my warm and fuzzy feeling of peace and goodwill towards others.  I sure hope it is worth it.  Karma is a bitch and you will get yours.  I just hope I get to see it personally!!

Now, off to send out an APB with the police and my neighbors to see if we can find Minnie.....

Ho, ho, ho.....  Merry Christmas!  Yeah, right!

Sigh, I am trying to be a better person and I am raging mad.  I know, I know....  Try to look at the bright side of this and keep the Christmas spirit.  Be cheerful, people want cheerful....  Screw that!  I am pissed and I have the right to be!  If you don't like it....  Don't look!  HA!  That felt good saying that.....

cya!

Remembering Molly.....

With the year coming to a close, I have been doing some reflection; looking back and remembering.  Since I started blogging, I started thinking about my dog, Molly... a lot.

I am an animal lover to a fault.  They all are beautiful creatures in my eyes.  They say that dog's are a man's best friend.  I really do not agree with that statement because dogs are my best friend.

I cannot recall a moment in my life, growing up, that I did not have a dog in my life.  There was Manny, the collie.  Toughest dog in my neighborhood, but would let me dress it up in clothes.  Then there was Button, the miniature poodle that was a pickpocket, but loved to play tug-of-war with me.  During that time, we had Lady, a mutt that was abandoned, but became the mother hen of my parent's house.  She would not go to sleep until everyone was home.  Then there was Morgon, the Black Lab, probably the smartest dog I ever knew.  She loved to play fetch and she knew exactly which toy was which and retrieved it for you on command.  I loved every one of them, but they were not "my" dog.  They were all owned by family members.  That was until Molly came along.  She was my first for everything.

Molly was the most beautiful German Shepherd I have ever seen.  She was a character; tough but sweet, smart, but clueless.  She was a puppy until her dying day at the age of 11.  She was destructive.  No toy stood a chance, but she knew who to go to for getting it fixed.... me.  My husband and I believe to this day that she was more human than dog.

Molly, had a look about her.  When she was about 8 weeks old, she was in a pet store.  My husband-to-be and I went in to just look.  With her one ear half up, the other down and a tilt of her head, we were smitten.  We must have had the word "sucker" stamped on our foreheads because she after we brought her home, she gave us the ride of a lifetime.  Teething and wild, she definitely kept us on our toes.  We signed her up for obedience classes and her response was to shred the training manual.  There was only one page that was complete and untattered sitting in the middle of the room...  It was the page about chewing.  Call me nuts, but I think this dog can read!!

We changed tactics and changed trainers.  She was learning and we knew it, but that darn teething was driving us nuts!  One day, after feeling like a chew toy, we asked Molly, "why do you chew on us like you do?"  This is where I think my husband and I lost our minds.... We heard, "I don't know".  It was more like a yawn/whine tone coming out of Molly's mouth, but it definitely sounded like I don't know just come out of her mouth.  That was it!!  She is definitely different than any other dog on this planet.  Sadly, she never spoke like that again, but I do have a witness that it happened and that I was not losing my mind.

For the first 3 years, it was just Molly, my husband and myself.  Molly was like a daughter to us.  She was spoiled to the core.  We felt just awful about kennel training her, but it was a method that worked.  She was allowed on the furniture, she had the best place in the house for her kennel, she had tons of treats, plenty of food, plenty of water, and full reign of the house.  I think she even owned us. 

Molly was my guardian angel, she was always at my side.

I became pregnant with my daughter.  I was scared to be a mother, but Molly proved me wrong.  She reminded me that I am her mom.  After my daughter was born, I had a strong concern that Molly might not like having another person in her house.  Especially one that has no clue how to treat a dog.  When I came home with my daughter that day in January, Molly welcomed her with a kiss.  Molly became my daughter's guardian angel.  When people came to visit, she sat between them and her.  She would give a kind nudge to our visitors when she thought that my daughter needed a rest.  She would lay next to her stroller that we had in the living room for her to rest in while we went from our day-to-day things.  Our daughter went everywhere I went.  Molly made sure that everything was okay.

For the years following, we were just a happy family.  

In July of 2008, the day started off normal, but took a scary turn.  My husband left for work, my daughter was watching TV and I was doing a little cleaning.  Molly looked distressed.  She was retching and throwing up what looked like foam.  My daughter screams for me and I come running.  I see this and took Molly outside.  She continued to dry heave and then laid down in the grass.  I knew something was wrong.  Molly drags me everywhere and today, she is not.  I called the vet and they were closed.  I got the phone book and called another.  Thank goodness!  They are open and will take her immediately.  Knowing my truck is too tall to get her in by myself, I call my mom over and borrow her car.  I race to the vet.  I figured out what was happening to Molly before the vet could even see her.  She was suffering bloat.  A terrible thing for dogs.  The stomach flips upon itself and traps the stomach acid and gas.  This is something that can kill a dog if not treated.  I just learned about this by reading Marley and Me.  It was tragic for Marley and it is a tragedy to me.  

Luckily, the vet was able to put a hose down her throat, released the pressure and also untwisted the stomach.  Molly is going to be okay.  It was suggested that she gets the surgery to suture the stomach to the side of the body so this never happens again.  I talk to my husband and we agree that we should do this for Molly.  After transferring her to a specialty place for animals that specialize in this kind of surgery, we wait.  

We got the call later that same day.  Molly made it through the surgery just fine and will get to come home in a  couple of days.  What a relief!  Then, I get the wind knocked out of me.  While in surgery, they found a large tumor on her liver and took a biopsy to see of it is cancer.  The results will be available in a week.  My heart just sank.  We get the results and it is cancer, but a slow growing and contained form.  The only way to treat is by surgery.  If we do not remove the tumor, it will eventually destroy the live saving surgery she just had and her stomach will flip again and will most likely kill her immediately.  We decided to let her go under the knife again.  We waited for her to completely heal from the last surgery.  She goes in again.  We wait.  We get the call that this tough pup is doing fine and will get to come home in a few days.

I think I have the toughest pup alive.  Before each surgery she had, we had a little talk.  I knew that surgeries are a risk and only she will know when it is her time.  I would tell her, "if it is your time to go... give me those ever so famous nibbles on my chin".  Her nibbles were the cutest thing.  She would just scrape her teeth along my chin, it was like little kisses to me.  Well, each time I asked, she refused to give me nibbles, so I took it as her way of saying..."nope, not my time, mom".

It was a few days before her check up on the last surgery that I got something that I did not expect.....  Molly walked up to me and gave me nibbles.  I started to cry.  She knew that I understood, but I refused to see that was going to happen.  I told her that she is in the clear, that all is well.  She knew otherwise.  Three days after I got my nibbles, Molly's heart was starting to fail.  She was throwing up what looked like water and egg whites.  Slimy stuff.  I raced her back to the vet specialty place.  They confirmed my worst fears.  Her heart was failing.  She had water around the heart that was suffocating it.  They removed a liter and a half. I could leave them there and they can do some tests, but they did not offer really any hope.  I called my husband and we decided to let her go.  I was not happy about this, but it had to be done.  Molly told me days ago.  She was done fighting.

I insisted that I be with her to the end.  I cuddled with her on the floor for a while.  That was something Molly was not a fan of.... Cuddling.  She liked being near you, but she really liked a little breathing room.  She knew it was time to say goodbye and let me cuddle for the first and last time.  The doctor came in.  I was not ready.  I started crying and got up to leave the room.  Molly got up and started walking to the door with me.  Molly was not going to let me off the hook.  She knew that I was going to be with her to the end.  If it was there or at home, I was going to be there.  I stayed with her for that shot of stuff to put her into her final sleep.  I hugged her for the last time and it just about killed me.  You see, I never experienced putting an animal down. All those other dogs in my life were not mine.  This was a first for me and I hated it.  It rained all the way home.  I think God was crying too.

Before Molly passed away, I got her paw print.  The last thing I got from her in her life.   She is in my heart, but I also have a reminder of her around my neck, a charm with that paw print.  Even though she is gone from this world, she is always with me.

I miss you, crazy pup!!

Feeling like I won the lottery......

What do you think when you hear the word "lottery" or "jackpot"?  

First thing that comes to a person's mind is money or winning.  It is a normal and expected response.  Gambling is a poor man's dream to get rich quick, but gambling is something everyone does.  It is all in how you look at it.

Life is a gamble and we take chances every day.  We weigh out our options and choose what we think is best and go for it.  Hoping for the best possible outcome is what we strive for.  Every time we leave the comfort of our homes, we are taking a gamble that everything goes smoothly.  Every time we travel by car, plane or train we take a gamble.  While some look at the results of what we do, experience, and the people we meet as fate, the truth is it's all a gamble.  

It reminds me of something I learned while in beauty school.  The teacher told us that 'we are the makers of our destiny'.  Nothing just lands in our lap.  You have to work for it.  

Well, I know that when it comes to who I am, I try to put in 110% of myself into it.  There are days I put in less, but who doesn't?  I work hard at my job, I have been known to play even harder.  The cards that get dealt to me are not always what I want, but I do what I can with them.  I would love to win all the time, but winning is not something that comes easily or natural to me.

With Christmas so close, I was trying to keep a realistic spin on things.  This year was going to be another year of only giving.  Receiving a gift from my husband was not an option since money is tighter than the skin on a drum.  Both sides of the family decided to focus the gift giving to the children, so shopping was easy this year.  Sadly, with less money, the amount of what I can buy became less.  Looks like Christmas-lite this year.  I sure hope the kids like what I got them.

I secretly hoped my husband would surprise me with a kitchen table this year for Christmas.  A kitchen table, you ask?  Yes, a kitchen table.  I really am not a materialistic person.  Diamonds are nice, but I am a jeans and t-shirt kind of person.  Diamonds are way too fancy for my style ;)

The reason I wanted a kitchen table is because... we need one.  We have a dining room table and we use that for all our meals.  For years, we really did not have the space for another table... especially in the kitchen.  When we had our dog, Molly, she had a little home inside our home.  She was kennel trained and being a German Shepherd, her kennel was not small.  She had the best spot in the house.  This place of hers had temperature control from the vent that was right next to her.  Warm air in the winter and cool air in the summer.  That spot was in my kitchen.  For almost 12 years, it was her spot.  After her passing, I could not stand looking at that empty cage so I put it away.  It has been almost 3 years since her passing and I have nothing to fill that space.  I love that dog and I miss her terribly, but in order for me to get over the grieving process, I had to remove her spot.  I still shed a tear thinking about her.  I will eventually tell her story to you all at another time.  

Well, onward to the whole feeling like I won the lottery....  

My sense of humor is sarcastic based and I realized that getting a darn kitchen table is like winning the lottery.  It has been almost 3 years and I tried my hardest to play my cards right.  I gave subtle hints.  I left catalogs out in the open for my husband to see on the page that displayed kitchen tables, I talked about how nice it would be to get a kitchen table.  I even shopped around to find one I liked and that was really reasonable.  I even got my mom in the game by having her even try to plant the idea in my husband's head....  I was like Ralphie in A Christmas Story, but it was not a Red Rider BB Gun I desired.

Fat chance, Nance, or so I thought.

Last night, I get a call from my husband.  He finished work early and was on his way to the store to look for a Christmas gift for me.  A GIFT FOR ME????  I almost fell over!  He decides to share with me his dilemma... "What do you want for Christmas?"  The shock of the thought made me sputter out the words..."Kitchen Table".  The bigger shock was his reply... "Sure, where is one that you like that costs about $150.?"

Well.....  Slap me silly and call me Shirley!!  I recently found one at this store called Garden Ridge.  It is the perfect size for my little kitchen and it is priced at $149.99!  I tell him all about it (again, since I do drop hints) and he tells me he is on his way home to get my daughter and I to pick it up.  I need to be totally honest.... I was doing the happy dance!  I felt like I matched every number for the lottery.  We picked up my table and put it together last night.  This morning, when I got up, I walked into my kitchen and smiled.  I finally have a kitchen table.....

Winning the lottery may give you riches, but the lottery I wanted to win gave me a thing I wanted for quite a while....  A kitchen table.  So what if my thought process was off.  I am different and I like it that way ;)

Thanks for reading...

Have a great day and a Merry Christmas!!

The Christmas Spirit... A lost and found story...

Christmas comes once a year.  It is a time of celebration, a time of peace and goodwill to all.  I know that not everyone celebrates Christmas like I do.  Some call this time of year by other names because of other religious backgrounds and beliefs.  To me, Christmas has always held a special place in my heart.  It is a time for family and friends.  I think I am at my most generous, or at least I try to be.  

Usually, I start getting that Christmas spirit the day after Thanksgiving and it continues until the day after New Years.  I decorate my house, I bake cookies, I do the Christmas shopping and I have this odd desire to listen to Christmas music all the time.  

This year was to be no different than the ones in the past.  Even the first year after my father had passed, I kept that Christmas spirit going.  I will admit that it was the first Christmas that my excitement about the holiday was more subdued, but it was still there.  I just was really surprised that when I woke up that day after Thanksgiving, I had no interest in getting the Christmas decorations out.  I felt.... strange.  I had zero motivation to do much of anything.  It was almost like I was dreading every aspect of the time of year I hold so dear to my heart.  I would have figured I was to be like that 9 years ago because it was the first Christmas that I would not have my dad there, but I wasn't.  It decided to happen this year.  I did not even see this coming.  I had no idea even during Thanksgiving that I would go in a downward spiral about the holidays.

I lost my Christmas "groove"......

I decided that this is just a "funk" I got myself into because I became complacent about things.  I am fully aware that things are hard out there.  Money has been really tight in my home and I have no doubt that it is happening everywhere else.  I watch the news.  I hear about the tough times we are all facing.  Some have lost their jobs, others are losing their homes and the outlook is not getting any brighter.  The cost of living is going up and the income to live on is going down.  I am a hairdresser and I am seeing where the family budget cuts are to scrape by has affected the service industry.  My husband was feeling the pinch, too.  Work was getting scarce and the money we earned to live on was less.  We pulled our belts tighter, I offered discounts to my regular clients that have braved this economy crash and still came in to see me.  Sadly, my generosity made my paychecks smaller, but I knew that in time, it will get better.  It just would be nice if that happened now instead of later.  I ventured into finding some temporary work, but after the contract of the job ended, so did the prospect of another to take its place.  We had a slight increase in hope, but it died after the paychecks stopped coming in.  It was dismal.  I let money affect my spirit of Christmas.  I became the epitome of the commercial believer of the season.  Christmas is not Christmas if you cannot buy gifts for everyone.

We used to buy gifts for everyone in our family...  Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews...  I even got gifts for my daughter's teacher, the mail man, and even the garbage man (if I ever saw him).  Being the animal lover that I am, I even bought little trinkets for the dogs that I knew in the neighborhood, and there were quite a few of them.  I would bake cookies for my co-workers and friends.  I even made sure to do a once over in the house and donate things to help others I never even knew.  Christmas was in my blood.  My generosity seemed to have no bounds....Until, that is, the economic pinch.  Now, I am limited to only buying for my daughter and her cousins that are under the age of 18.  I did manage to save a little money to get my husband something, but I really never thought that socks and underwear were considered a gift, but this year... they are.

I started to do quite a bit of thinking about what Christmas is really about.  I looked back at the Christmas' past and what they meant to me.  I recall a time that when I was a child, my parents were struggling to stay afloat financially.  We never really got the coolest of things, but we got what we needed.  I remember hearing my mom and dad tell me that Christmas is never about what you get, but it is about the thought behind it.  Christmas is about Peace and Goodwill.  It is about remembering the one that was nailed on the cross and what he did for us.  Christmas marks the day of his birth.  The beginning for good things to come.  That made me really think about what the Christmas spirit is really about.  I have been wallowing in self-pity over the commercial aspect of something greater.  It is not about what you got, what you can buy, or even how much you spend.  It is about thinking of others...  The thought you have for them.  The greatest gift there is to offer anyone is the gift of kindness and love.

I finally found my Christmas groove back....  It is just a little different than I once had it, but it is there.

Merry Christmas everyone :)

Reflections...

Today was a day of reflection.  Looking back at the past year to remember all that has happened and to learn from the experiences I have had.  Some experiences were good and some were not so good, but there was a lesson in there.

I had always believed that the experiences we have, shape us into who we are.  The people we know, the places we go, the things we do are all fibers in the tapestry of who we are.  All things, good or bad, teach us more about who we are because we all react differently.  What one person thinks as being honest and open, is seen as something completely different to another.  It can be seen as a complaint, a concern, or even a joke.  Usually, when it comes to me and what I share, it sounds more like a complaint.  Even though I had zero intentions of making it sound like a complaint.

I guess this is where my journey needs to begin.

What is really worthy of a second thought and what is really worthy to share?  I think I figured it out, but I needed to be sure.  I was just playing around on Facebook with one of it's applications.  It contained a selection of statuses that I shared over the past year.  Some were funny, some were just sad, and some were really not worth sharing at all.  Really... Who cares if my back has spasmed more times than I care to count?  Who really wants to know that the temp job I had really was boring, tiring and trying on my nerves?  Who really thinks my recollections of funny things are just as funny retelling them as they were as when it happened?  Please keep in mind I already know that I have zero talent in really telling a story in a status of less than 200 characters.  Apparently, Cliff's Notes are more effective than my half-thought out sputterings I put out when the urge arises.  Even when I really think it all out, it still misses the mark.

Maybe I just can't seem to connect to the same wavelength as others when I write or post a thought.  I know if I talk to a person, it is a whole different thing.  I am able to connect to people.  I am understood and darn it, I am actually interesting.  There are times I may seem like a "ball breaker"; a person who stands up when others just accept, but most of the time, I am just a compassionate person who is a real good listener.  I even have a sense of humor (sadly, it is when I am at my most sarcastic).  I am sensitive, but I am tough.  I guess you can call that unpredictable, but I call it random.

I am thankful that I have really good friends and a caring family.  Their honesty is appreciated.  I have learned quite a few things from them.  Sadly, it has taken me way too long to embrace the lesson learned.  They can bring out the best in me even when I am at my worst.  They have embraced who I am and accept my faults and believe me, I have plenty of them.  I am far from perfect, but that is who I am.  I am a work in progress.

Thanks for reading :)

Writer's block...

Wow, being new to blogging opened up a new experience for me....  Writer's block.  Well, I don't think it is really a block of thought, but rather an overload of things I want to blog about.  Where do I begin?  There are so many things I have a thought about, but once I start to write something, I change my mind.

Here are a few things I have been thinking about....

• Losing my Christmas groove
• The story about a woman, her removed gall bladder and the pain that remains
• Being the proud recipient of the title... Ball Breaker
• Can I have your attention please?  
• Oh, that darn back spasm!  The quest to being pain free
• Why do I can write in the tone of..... whine?
• Not looking for a pity party
• Planning the demise of my New Year's Resolution
• High Anxiety.  Is it excitement or fear?

Clearly, I have ideas to blog, but what do I really want to say?

I guess I can share what happened with me today with the title of...  My feet are killing me and I am happy about it!!!  It is a short story about thinking I was going to not be that busy at work and wore the wrong shoes.  Apparently, I went for fashion over function and completely forgot how close Christmas is and that it was bound to be a busy day.

Nah.....

I guess I should blog when the urge arises and let the chips fall where they may.

Stay tuned ;)

Just a random rant....

Yesterday, I had a moment and turned outward about an inward feeling.  I thought it would be a release, but apparently, it is a bad choice.  Well, not really.  I just made a poor judgement call about where and how.  

I learned something that I never thought was a requirement.... Censorship.

What do you think when you hear that word?  I think censorship is the ability to filter what is said into something that is non-offensive.  A kind of political correctness for the masses.  Censorship on television is where they block out visible body parts and bleep out profanity.  Little did I know, there is way more to this.  Apparently, I lack the ability to censor my thoughts correctly.  No, not censoring profanity, I am perfectly capable of doing that.  Profanity in me rarely comes out unless a colorful word is needed to express frustration when I think I have hit the end of my string, when I stub my toe, or to put a little 'oomph' in a joke or comment.  Sometimes my profanity filter is broke when I have a beer or two ;)

I spend quite a lot of time really thinking through what I say to people.  Especially when it is in the written word.  I try my hardest to not offend anyone and I try even harder to be as clear as possible when I say something.  After trying to seek the notion that I am not the only one on this planet that has let stress create a form of depression.  My attempt (as well thought out as I could muster) was wrong.  Words were twisted, complaints were placed and the obvious silence was my sign that I chose to share the wrong thing.

The lack of sociality on a social site should have been a huge red flag that being completely open and true to yourself is not the way to be...  That is.... Unless you can put a 'spin' on things.  

When it comes to expressing a person's feelings, the truth is not going to set you free.  You need to be able to make a joke of it, look at the bright side, or even put a little twist of sarcasm to the comment.  Apparently, I have no talent in that.  In fact, I lack what is considered social finesse when it comes to the written word.  My communication skills are terrible.  My timing is even worse.  Who in this world thinks it is a good idea to call their spouse at work when the feeling arrives to share a feeling or thought?  Maybe even forewarn them of an undesirable attitude that they will see once they get home?  Apparently, I thought it was a good idea.  Turns out to be really bad timing.  The result?  Getting my ear bent about bothering them at work over something that could wait until they get home....  Side effects from that experience?  Poor sleep and the overwhelming urge to go back in time and change it all.  Sure, taking a nap can fix the sleep deprivation, but turning back time is not an option.

So what is a person to do when they lack the ability to be socially correct?

I figured that a do-over is in order.  But in order to do a do-over, I need to apologize to everyone for everything.  Hopefully, reading this can be my formal apology so I can start anew or even let people know that my intentions were never to be a 'downer'.  I thought I was being.... me.  

It is no better time than the present to do a little soul searching and see where it takes me.  This should be an interesting ride...

Have a great day everyone!!

Trying something new....

Hi.  Please bear with me as I am new to the whole blogging scene.  My name is Nancy and I have had a load of thoughts trapped in my mind and maybe, just maybe, blogging will help me have a kind of emotional release that I so desperately need, I think....

Well, lets start with the obvious.  A good friend suggested that blogging is the best release of pent up emotion and thought around.  I, honestly thought a diary was the best way to release emotion and thought.  Who knows, I might be wrong.  So here I am...  The rookie blogger :)

The road that led me to blogging started with a plea for help.  For the past few days I have been on a ride like no other...  the emotional roller coaster of sorts.  I am confused about what started this ride, but maybe, just maybe I can create a solution through this experience.  I seem to be on a quest for answers in emotions.  I know that I am a well adjusted person, I live in a modest home, married to a wonderful husband and I have a lovely daughter.  Our current economy has put myself (as well as vast others in the world) in a money crunch.  Money cannot buy happiness, but it is way easier to cry in the comfort of your own home in comparison to a cardboard box.  This little 5-letter word is the main cause for another little 6-letter word... STRESS.  Stress is  an interesting thing....  It can bring adrenaline in a person to push harder, go longer, feel life in their veins, but it can also create other issues that cannot be denied...  The feeling of loss.  I wonder if this past year of economic strife has created a new ailment.... depression.  I know that there was an era called the great depression where people struggled to eat and survive.  My parents experienced that and I was told it was not fun at all.  Why would they call it 'great' if it was so awful?  Well, that is for another time to really look into that.

Well, onward about depression....  I think I may be struggling with that ailment.  Just recently, I would start crying for no apparent reason.  I tried to blame it on those really sentimental Kleenex commercials, but I have not seen one of those in quite a while.  I have no clue what the trigger is except that it just happens.  Then another emotion comes along...  Frustration.  Apparently, not knowing why I was crying frustrates me.  WOW....  That is a totally normal response to something I cannot understand, just yet.

I decided to ask if stress could cause depression because I think that is what I am dealing with.  Maybe add a little 'winter blues' with those shorter days.  Who knows, this might be a normal winter epidemic.  Well, as I posted this question on Facebook for all my friends to see and comment on, I got some real interesting reasons... "Oh, welcome to the holidays", "It is just a funk.  Go do something for yourself", "Welcome to Menopause" (Really?  I am not that old, ya know), "Go to the doctor and have your hormone and thyroid levels checked", "Start Blogging... you need a release", "You need to blow off some steam... maybe go to the bar?"....  These are just a few of the comments I got about my issue.  Now, I know I will be getting a phone call from family members that felt compelled to tell me in person what they think...  Oh joy!  I guess what I really wanted to know is that I am not alone.  That there are others suffering like I am on this nasty emotional ride.  Apparently, I am the only one.  How sad...

One of the suggestions was to start blogging and I was intrigued.  Really?  Blogging?  I am quite a reserved person and after numerous attempts to try to share my feelings on Facebook with odd or no results, am I really a blogger?  Maybe I am.  I have ideas, I have random thoughts, I am up for adventure (sort of), and I do have a load of pent up things I would love to share, but is it really for me?  I figured, 'what the heck, you only live once... why not try something you have never done before...blog.

So this is my first blog.  Not a bad start, I think.  I have to admit, this is not so bad.

As I look back on what I 'blogged' I noticed that maybe what I am going through is an internal search for the truth about myself and that I may be super sensitive over really nothing serious.  It is just sad that internalizing every thought can be so taxing on a person.  Blogging may just be the release I am looking for.  Maybe tomorrow I will blog again.  Only time will tell.  Trying something new opens a new journey to take.