It is the day before Christmas Eve 2020 and I am really trying to be optimistic, but life has been making it really hard. While I am fully aware that I am not the only passenger on the miserable ride of 2020, and I am certain that what has happened this year is not about me while I feel otherwise.... I have one major flaw. I react poorly to bad news.
When it comes to bad news, my reaction teeters between childish/petulant and a 2.0 version of Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh.... far more annoying with the negative undertones. Of course, I am firmly believing that it really does not matter what I do/react to because I manage to drive DH nuts. I have been told that I just cannot dial in or dial back my reaction properly.
This whole pandemic was the catalyst, to what I believe is the worst year ever. Sure, there are some silver linings here and there that I managed to find, but believe me.... it took some serious effort to find it. Our financial strain has been non stop since 2008 and the moment we were starting to see a little above the red line... WHAM! Smashed down under again! I held off seeing the doctor as long as I could and because I am (cough cough) 52 years old, I finally decided to focus on my health for once. Little did I know that unleashing the testing hounds would result in being diagnosed type 2 diabetic and all the fun pokes, prods and tests that would follow. Colonoscopy resulted in finding 5 polyps and a request to repeat that miserable test in 5 years instead of 10. Getting the diagnosis of Eosinophilic gastritis requires a daily pill I hate swallowing to go with the other 3 I take for my diabetes. Restricted diet is not easy to follow when DH has such a picky palate and is the key holder to the food budget. What I thought was a silver lining with managing to lose 60 pounds over the past 10 months became overshadowed with the demand from my doctor to lose another 50 pounds. I have managed to lose an extra 12 pounds, so 38 more pounds to go! Starting to look like a shrinky-dink that didn't shrink properly. Darn getting older does not allow excess skin to shrink back. Lucky me that I look better in clothes, but I will never look good in a swimsuit.... I guess the lighter weight might keep my spine from degenerating more than it is now. Sadly, I knew that losing weight does bring on other issues, because really, this is not my first time trying. Last time I lost weight, I had dental issues that resulted in getting a second root canal done on a tooth to remove the elusive extra nerve the dentist missed the first round and I also got my gall bladder removed. This time, I am staring down the barrel of getting that darn 2-time-root-canal tooth removed because it broke off at the gum line on a banana (of all things!), and have a tooth next to it removed because a different dentist misaligned a crown and left a gap in a tight space to get a cavity that is traveling down to the root. Then, I get to spend roughly $3,000 on a partial denture so I can chew food. Money I don't have and haven't had access to since the Obama legislation! With all of this going on, my mom passes away and I mentally broke from the sadness. The clients that I have at the salon, (the ones that came back after reopening during the pandemic that is still not over), have noticed that I am not the same person. The once chatty gal is struggling to carry a conversation. Of course, the panic attacks of working with a mask on for hours on end does not help matters much.
Of course, I am taking it personally about the things happening at home. My printer broke and my reaction set DH into a frenzy that I need to "get a grip". Then, the dryer breaks and DH was not thrilled to spend money we don't have on a new one, but did once he saw how much money is costs to go to the laundromat every week. Then, there was the broken maple tree in the back yard. About 1/4th of it snapped and was wedged into the oak tree, and just between the trees are the power lines to the house. Total hazard! Only took several estimates for DH to pick someone to take the tree down (the tree was actually cracked all the way to the trunk and was also a threat to hitting the house), and 6 weeks for ComEd to come to cut the power so the tree can be taken down safely. A little under $3,000 for that experience (including trimming the oak tree). Money we don't have, yet again being spent. I am still waiting for the water damage in my kitchen to be handled, but our homeowners insurance denied the claim and.... yep.... we don't have the money to fix it. Luckily, DH did manage to fix the issue that created the water issue in the first place. It is just replacing what is damaged that needs to be done.
Now, there is only one thing I was allowed to react poorly to this year and that is the loss of my mom. Well, I was allowed to react as I felt fit for a little while. Then, I was reminded that while it is okay to grieve, it is also important to keep living.
As this year has been filled with challenges and difficulties, I did the best I could to try to find a "silver lining" in all this doom and gloom. My biggest blessings are my grandsons. Yep, I have 2 grandsons now. Both were surprise pregnancies for DD, but she and her fiancé are finally getting the horse in the right place to the cart with getting married soon. They wanted to save up for a traditional church wedding, but with 2 little ones to tend to.... a courthouse wedding will have to do. Something else with a celebration to follow will happen at a later date. I am thankful that everyone in my house (DH, DD, her fiancé, the grandkids, and the family dog), myself included, are relatively healthy and safe while a pandemic rages all around. A couple of my mom's cookbooks from her expansive library have produced some diabetic friendly meals that the picky eating committee (aka DH) enjoys. I am blessed to have a stronger connection with my siblings during this year of loss and I pray it stays strong. I have no doubt that my parents are smiling from heaven with the knowledge that their kids are finally getting along.
So, with the chapter of the year 2020 nearing it's close, I pray that 2021 is far better than what 2020 has offered. Thanks for letting me share my thoughts today and I hope you all have a blessed holiday and better 2021...
