At a crossroads.....

There comes a time in everyone's life when we have to make a tough decision based upon what we see are as facts, and more times than not, our decision becomes questioned at a later date.  Especially when you fear that history is repeating itself.  Almost like you will remain in a perpetual loop of facing this crossroads again and again until Karma, fate, or the boss up above, decide for you if you made the right choice.  Not exactly like having multiple do-overs, but hammering in a life lesson we seem to not be paying attention to.  I sometimes refer this to the let out leash being let out to yank me back when I try to venture beyond my allowed limits.  No matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I claw at the ground to claim just a little more ground or distance.... I get yanked back by my choices that managed to limit me without even realizing it.  Here is what I mean.....

With every change in job choices, I do my best to really think about where this job will take me and where I want to be in a few years.  Sure, the usual question by someone in the H.R. Department that does the initial interview of, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years". seems the most accurate description of my thought process every time I think about work.  Not really complaining about the effort that is necessary to get to where I need to be because I have a strong work ethic, but getting that assurance I am at least getting one step closer every day to my intended goal is important to me.  Knowing that my time is limited in my marriage is the driving force that pushes me even harder.  You see, DH made an announcement a couple of years ago that he wanted a divorce.  Of course, it was under the influence, but what he had said must hold a grain of truth.  Especially, when he tells me that he wanted to wait until DD was 18 to do so, tells me that this has been in the works for years.  Not denying that I have been thinking the same when I watch my married friends' marriage progress over the years and mine just can't seem to move from the starting block.  DH likes his friends more than me sometimes.  I know it is a bitter pill to take, but that is the conclusion I was given by his actions.  No matter how hard I have tried to change that, even I know that I can't change the situation.  I mean, sure, he loves me, but if he had a choice.... he would choose his friends over choosing me.  I grew up and mellowed out far faster than he ever imagined.  Especially, after DD was born.  My friends can attest that I just cannot go out whenever and even now... I rarely ever see my friends.  Sure, I would love to see them, but someone must be the responsible adult here and I take that seriously.  Regardless of the fact that DD is now a teenager, I have remained focused on what is important and the most important thing is family.  In roughly 18 hours after his announcement of his desire to part ways, he changed it to wanting to make this marriage work, thus we are still here and still together.  Of course, I left the effort firmly in his court since I told him I was damn tired of putting in all the effort and it was his turn to try.  To this day, we get along just fine, but I am not seeing all that much effort in growing our relationship.  I am still left with tending to more responsibilities and he still prefers to be king of the remote, sitting in his reclining throne every weekend.  It is what it is.....

Now, back to this crossroads....  My last job lasted seven years, and not all of them were happy ones.  I am not sure if my competence threatens my employer, or fellow coworkers, but I have been held back from my potential.  Sure, in my line of work, I am working with other goal minded women seeking to be successful in our commission based job that works with people in the image and beauty industry.  Simply put, we only get paid for what we accomplish and repeat business is necessary.  What we put in should be what we get out of the job and only we can make a living or break it through our own efforts or non-efforts.  There is a very fine line between love of the job and love of money.  I happen to believe in the statement that, "if you do what you love... you will never work a day in your life."  I do love what I do, and I do love to earn money, but I will never compromise my talents and reputation on someone that decides on a whim to do something that is potentially damaging to their hair.  I feel that education is important, and educating the client is just as important.  In the end, it is up to the client to make the decision, but I want to make sure that they are making an educated one.  In my last job, I was told I talk too much, I was passed up on opportunities for growth, and I felt that more times than not.... I was left in the shadows.  Of course, when they were in a bind.... I was the first one they called for me to do the work that nobody else wanted to deal with.  Opportunities outside of the workplace were being taken away because it all came down to money.  Heck, my last day of work, I watched the alienation that I have suffered through for seven years progress even more.  I was being told, without words, that I was just not meant to ever fit in, and that hurt so much.  Of course, I refused to let the depressive feelings stop me from picking myself up and trudging onward with my goal held snugly to my chest.

When I started working at another place, I knew that being "the new girl" was going to be hard.  I have done it before and the only way that I handle that is to keep to my head down and do my best.  I of course, would take in my new surroundings and see the dynamic of the workplace and its workers.  In every business, there are alliances and cliques.  Who are the movers and shakers and who are the ones to look out for that love drama.  Of course, both categories are very similar.  I look for opportunities to build my brand (that is just another word for business), and I seem to look for learning experiences in how these people have managed to build client relations as strong as they have.  You see, I ended up losing almost all my clients from the last place I worked.  It is a common practice to not inform clients where their hairdresser went to if the hairdresser did not contact them and the last place I worked, did not allow me to keep my own client records.  I was under the watchful eye of my boss back then and if I even tried to make a client card, it was taken away.  I didn't have a chance.  Fortunately, I had some client cards of clients that followed me from the last place I worked and they have remained true.  Well, after roughly six months at my new place, I saw who was the drama maker, the mover and shaker, and the trouble maker.  I also saw who was unmotivated and who gave up on trying anymore.  I watched my boss give opportunity and take it away and that was when I saw the crossroads coming towards me.

Over the past week, I thought I had a plan of what I wanted to do.  The opportunities that were presented to me were good, but not great.  My client base was growing and I was starting to feel that I can stick it out here, that my goals had a better chance here than where I was.  I was starting to find my footing even with those that did not have the same work ethic as I happen to have.  The drama maker was becoming less of a thorn in my side, the trouble maker appeared to be less obvious in my line of sight, and the unmotivated's behavior was becoming easier to ignore.  I was finding my niche and felt secure in my work space.  That is, until I watched a client of mine be shuffled off to another that, I was under the impression was not certified to do, suddenly being certified.  That first lie from my boss really stung and had me questioning everything.  Then, after spending a whole day with virtually nothing to do, no walk-ins, no phone calls for appointments.... I was faced with an opportunity that I did not feel was worth the risk.  A client deciding, on a whim, to to a complete transformation that would require bleaching out their hair to the shade of white and re-color it in tones of purple and grey.  Sure, I could have done it, but the integrity of the hair was in question and so was the knowledge that the salon did not have the grey color in stock.  I know that I am good, but I can't match what the client wanted with the supplies that were available to me.  I had to inform this client's interpreter (yes, she did not speak English) of these things because a picture on Pinterest is not what it seems.  Especially, in the day and age of filters on cameras.  In order to detract this person from making a grave mistake, I informed them of the risks and the starting cost, because there were going to be multiple services being done to achieve what they wanted.  My boss, who was getting ready to leave for the day, kept pushing for this to be done, saying it can be done and if she was not needing to leave for the day.... she would do this herself.  When the potential client decided to think about it and left, I was yelled at for not taking the job.  That it was to make not just me, but her money.  That was when my questioning ways came back and had me wondering..... does this salon not care about it's reputation?  Does money trump everything?  I guess it does.... to a point, but is it really worth charging someone a minimum of $200 for 4 hours of  what can be labeled as a corrective coloring process that requires maintenance when the person asking for this service really has no intentions of maintaining it?  Heck, she did not want to have her hair cut after knowing the damage that lighteners can do to hair and to turn dark brown (almost black hair) to white in order to color it purple and grey.  Heck, these crazy party colors that people want either never come back because they can't afford to maintain them or they found someplace else to put them back to their natural shade when they tire of the look.  I had one that tried to get back to their natural color for a job prospect and colors like blue, purple, green, and pink don't ever go away without massive breakage or an undertone left behind.  It was a guarantee that this was not going to be a repeat client since there was a language barrier.  I have done enough to guarantee that was the case, but I was still given the feeling that I just don't have the drive to make it in her salon.  I know she won't fire me because I am more reliable than her little pet that she gave one of my clients to and smoothed it over with a lie, but is my future growth as secure as I thought it would be?

Now, I am at the crossroads again over my job choice.  Should I stay or should I go?  I see potential if I am given the chance, but because I basically talked a client into thinking about such a huge and expensive change not being the best choice and that put the target on my back where my boss is concerned.  Will she still offer opportunities my way since the clients I already have can't seem to bring in the referrals I need?  Can I find a way to promote myself further with basically no money available beyond hoping that word of mouth can do for me?  Do I need to change jobs and hope that the next place will be better for me, regardless of the odds that it will probably be the same or worse since my track record of finding a fair chance is slim to none?  Do I really want to leave this boss in a lurch since I already do more for her than most?  Or no matter what I do is going to be wrong and I get to go through bad experience after bad experience until I finally get it right?  Or do I just conform yet again for years to appease others and not feel secure in my future?  I would really like some feedback because I am really at a loss here.  Thanks for reading.....  

Curious minds want to know.....

Just a few thoughts here.  You know.... just thinking out loud, but why is society so focused on differences demanding equality when it is the constant reminders of those differences that create the problem.  Don't get me wrong, but why is the focus on the differences more important than the bigger picture?  With political correctness going so far as to coddling the bruised egos of others, where is the focus on the fact that every person, regardless of race, creed, religion, mental/emotional state, physical appearance, sexual orientation, and whatnot is a person first and their label is second?  A black person is still a person, right?  A gay person is still a person, right?  A person that believes in a different religion is still a person, right?  Then why all the chaos and upheaval?  We all have a core equality... we are people.  The labels to which we choose to highlight is what is causing the great divide and those labels are the problem.  Learning to be biased because of a label is wrong, but it is a tradition passed down from generation to generation.  It is truly up to those that have influence in their own lives as well as others (like a family situation), to change the tradition and the course of which is taken.  Yes, our labels make us different, but forcing these labels into the limelight only brings on the ugly base instincts of jealousy, prejudice, bigotry, and shame.  Heck, even in some cases.... violence.  In order to stop it, we need to shine the light away from those labels and focus on our common thread.... we are people.

Whew!  With that out of the way, I have another pondering thought process and that is due to the medical profession, the insurance industry, and the economy.  Oh, and maybe the coddling through political correctness and fear of hurting feelings.

When I was a kid, if I got out of hand, I would get a slap from my mom.  It could be her hand, a shoe, a wooden spoon or a belt, but that slap got my attention that I was misbehaving and I needed to pay attention to yet another life lesson.  Sure, I have no doubt that there were people that got out of hand when it came to punishing children for bad behavior.  Yes, there is a fine line between a punishment and abuse, but with today's parent being told that putting your child in a corner will suffice as a reasonable punishment, I fear that we just created a generation of people that truly have no learning curve to retain proper decorum.  Really, having a kid sit in a corner for a minute matching age in years is basically giving a child time to think now about what they did was wrong, but figure a way to not get caught next time.  I have watched children these days have a foul mouth and a snippy attitude towards their parents in public and watch the parents take it in stride.  Temper tantrums getting what they want so they would stop making a scene and zero follow through in teaching a life lesson that is important to retain.  Seems like we, as a society, is becoming a mental state.  Mental as in medicating less than zen like behavior and medically inducing what happiness is supposed to be like.  More and more children are being diagnosed with ADD, ADHD, Depression, and whatnot with cookie cutter guidelines easily found on Google and the internet.  A child that thinks outside the box has ADD, a child with boundless energy has ADHD, an angst ridden preteen and teenager is automatically depressed or bipolar.  All these conditions are getting medicated.  It seems to be all the rage to shove a pill down your child's throat instead of teach our children the essential coping skills.  Of course, when it comes to teenagers.... they really have no interest in sharing anything with their parents in order to get these words of wisdom to help them.  No, we get doctors digging in the shallow end of the diagnosis pool and pushing parents to send your child to a psychologist with a prescription in hand.  Not exactly teaching our youth the proper skills to take on challenges, but to lead them into a life filled with pills that have potentially dangerous side effects.  More dangerous than the diagnosis symptoms.  The push for perfection without the padding of reminding your child that as long as they did their best, that is good enough.  Sadly, regardless of the number of times we remind our children just that.... they still push themselves harder than necessary, thus becoming the cookie cutter crumb of diagnosis that will result in popping more pills.  Really, is it living a drug free life if you are chained to your prescription bottle?

Of course, lets not forget the coddling of the parents to let their child refuse to learn rational thought or seek actual help because there are parents these days that will condone bad behavior in the first place.  That coddling of emotions that are desirable and ignoring the less than joyful ones is a recipe for disaster.  Forcing our hand at being involved more than being the cook and the chauffeur to the extra curricular activities with a side of being the maid and your child's personal piggy bank is necessary.  Life skills need to be taught and it is not fully being covered in the classroom.  Sadly, the current economy and the cost of living makes it mandatory to have both parents unavailable for much more than the very basics and relying on the school system to fill the blanks. Electronic babysitters are on the rise and our youth lack social graces, but they are being used more and more.  The music scene has its pitfalls when children try to emulate their favorite artist with either a lack of clothes or jeans sagging down to their knees.  Their demand for attention is attracting bad attention, but as they see it.... attention is attention.  There is a disconnection with our youth and we are allowing it because we just cannot find the time or energy to do much about it.  Money is the driving force and it takes effort to earn it.  Sadly, there are some that put innocent people at risk by taking it instead.  There seems to be less and less middle ground these days.  It is one or the other.  You can be more involved in your child's life, but lack the funds to support most of everything, or you can be less involved and hope for the best.  The less in either scenario is damaging.  But hey!  There are now medications to fix the problem, right?  Sigh, it is just so sad.  I guess the reason for this rant is that DD's doctor has yet again labeled her "depressed" and is now pushing for her to be medicated.  Not all that thrilled with that assessment since there are medications that have potential dangers and side effects that make me second guess if she should go the medicinal route, but the constant reminder that DD's mental health questionnaire shows her as depressed and in need of help is pushing me to just make everyone chemically happy and let them medicate her.  I just need assurances that she does not become chemically dependent.  Life is not meant to be lived in a fog, but I just don't know what else I can do anymore.  She does counseling during the school year (it is what we can actually afford right now), but she says that counseling in a group is not benefiting her like it should.  I try talking to her, but she has no interest in me helping her.  I guess the time has come to try to find more money from the lack of that we have to at least get her to see a professional outside of the school system for some one on one.  I just hope it works.

My own personal heck....

Come one!  Come all!  Watch as a basically calm person lose their collective sh... mind.  Sounds like fun, right?  Not to me, but here I am.... trying to regain some composure to face the world and not scare people away in the process.  Here are the current events of my life and my plea that I should get an award for my efforts.  Of course, I have no doubt that there is someone that is having a far worse go of things than my little pile of sh... stuff on my plate.  But in the need of some mental flossing, I am going to just "blog it out" and go on with my day if that is alright with ya'all, okee dokee?  So here goes....

With my home crumbling around my ankles and DH's lackadaisical ways of not bothering to fix the problem stems from his theory that if it does not stare at him in the face on a daily basis.... it really is nothing that needs to be done right away.  Case in point.... I have water damage on my roof that has been an issue for so long that I now have water damage in my kitchen.  Now, DH did fix the drainage issue that was on the roof, but there is a water damage issue that needs addressing.  Rotting wood on my roof is not exactly stable material above my head and that concerns me.  Well, that and the fact that I have a corner of my kitchen damaged by the water from the roof.  Now lacking 2 cabinets because one has the bottom falling out leaves me little usable space to store kitchen items.  The corner of my kitchen counter is now a drop off zone of wood particles and as an added bonus.... carpenter ants.... big ones.  I asked DH for a time frame when I can truly use my kitchen again, but he is not interested in getting the necessary estimates to even start the repair process.  You see, he does not spend enough time in the places that need repairs to feel the urgency to just get it done.  I mean, really, who spends a lot of time on their roof?  Kitchen?  I get it.  Most of my work was in the kitchen.  Operative word being... WAS.  Grilling season is in full swing and I am utilizing that to the fullest.  Sadly, I might be grilling in the snow come this winter because DH is showing no signs of getting anything fixed.  With every cleaning of wood crumbles off my kitchen counter, I die a little inside.

Not exactly sure if pushing my family away is a good thing or a bad thing, but this little thing called "Menopause", is definitely making me madder than a one-handed wallpaper hanger.  The hot flashes feel like I suffer from spontaneous combustion, but without the actual fire.  The night sweats and disrupted sleep patterns make it hard for me to focus on much for at least 4 hours after declaring myself awake to face the day.  The dry skin and itching from that is feeling like I am trapped in a very small room filled with creepy crawly bugs and biting mosquitoes.  The old saying is true regarding the intensity of the itch is based solely upon the location that cannot be reached.  If I am not sweating, I am itching.  Definitely makes me a bit cranky.  Speaking of cranky.... Lately, I have been so frustrated with everything that I had the urge to hit everyone within reach of me.  DH seems to be in the cross hairs more often than not.  I am mad at him for not being home as well as I am mad at him for actually being at home.  It seems I cannot make up my mind.  There is no middle ground anymore.  Same goes for DD.  Since she has a boyfriend, she is spending less time at home.  All I seem to be thinking is that I am left to take care of the messy house that they leave in their wake.  Nobody offers to cook a meal, let alone eat it as a family.  The microwave is definitely being appreciated more than my efforts.  Then, there are the dishes.... Really, nobody will offer to clean a dish, but they are more than happy to dirty them.  And don't get me started on the laundry!  Oh, and the apparent inability of my family to bend over to pick anything up.... Yep, lets not go there. 

Of course, there is the mood swings that seem to be a barrel of laughs.  Mad one minute and crying the next.  I believe I am seriously losing my effing mind!  Not sure it stems from my determination to try to keep my emotions in check for the greater good, but DH now looks at me with fear in his eyes because my actions are very similar to a mental patient off their meds.  I am guessing he is trying to either find a way to talk this crazy "B" off the ledge or trying to find the nearest escape route.  I don't exactly know how to safely express myself to ease the emotional pressure in my head.  I work with people and I do my best to at least try to make light of my situation, but in all honesty.... I am suffering.  Very tempted to see the doctor and get medicated, but after watching my fair share of drug commercials with their almost endless list of risks and side effects.... I am still weighing the odds in my head.  Take a hormone replacement drug to get relief, or increase the family history of breast cancer risk?  Take an herbal supplement to hope there is relief, or find myself becoming a statistic in the potential side effect risk category of depression to the point of desiring to take my own life?  Didn't know that Melantonin is capable of increasing depression, but it says just that on the bottle.

Of course, I really don't think taking something that could increase depression is a good idea.  I am depressed enough with some of the other minimal, but not to be ignored side effects of Menopause....  Weight gain and growing hair in places that really shouldn't grow hair on women.  Looking at food already puts me at risk for gaining another pound.  Noes not matter what I drink, I get more bloated as the day goes on.  I can count on my tossing and turning every night as the extra exercise I try to do on a daily basis.  The hair on my chin gets yanked by tweezers almost daily.  It is possible that there is more than the one, but at least it is only one hair a day and not a dozen.  Yep, I am living in my own personal little heck.... An occasional sweaty, almost always itchy, bloated, emotional basket case that seems to be tortured with a crumbling house and clueless family.  Yep, living the dream, man.... living the dream.  <<--  That was sarcasm, you know.  HA!  Living the dream....  NOT.

Well, I have things to do and no interest in actually doing them, but I will.  Thanks for reading and have a stupendous day!