Yesterday's events were not what I asked for, but as the saying goes.... "Stuff happens". With my filter to avoid doing something stupid being broken, I was graced with bitter words thrown at me. While the sting of words can hurt as much as a slap in the face, I accepted an invite of a friend to visit her and just chat. I just needed to leave the house for a while and get my mind wrapped around something else. The visit to my friend was helpful. Just getting a hug and some reassurance that things will get better was the right medicine for me.
When I returned home, there was a couple of messages on the answering machine. One of them was from DH with an apology for his tone towards me before he left for his fishing trip. Still stinging from the earlier events he and I shared, I actually felt better that I was not home to answer the phone. I did appreciate the apology, but questioned the sincerity. Almost 5 hours passed since getting my feelings hurt to get an apology really just does not scream sincerity to me. I always believed that if a person is truly sorry, the apology is almost immediate. Not hours later, but who am I to judge? I have to take into consideration that he needed time to cool off and think about what happened. Also, he called to tell me that he got to the camp site safely. That is something he never does. In the past 15 or so annual "fishing" trips, he never called to let me know he got there safely. Maybe this is a change he decided to take to show that he is thinking of me. HA! Doubtful, but I can at least take it that way and hope for more. I figured that I would at least call him back, but quickly remembered that where he is.... there is really no clear reception for his cell phone. He actually has to wander off to this one little spot to get enough "bars" on his cell to make a call home, and I seriously doubt that he was going to stay in that one little spot waiting for me to call back. Then, I realized that this is a blessing in disguise. With my inability to just shut my mouth when my feelings are hurt, I would say something that would create another fight that I am trying to avoid from happening. I did not bother leaving a message. I am trying to kill the fire of rage that still flickers under the surface. His vacation is what we both need to let the tension to release its grip on both of us.
Distance makes the heart grow fonder, right?
I did at least want to say to him that I learned my lesson. I can no longer crack a joke that lacks a quirky punchline. That my sarcasm lacks humor and apparently gets taken literally (at least in his eyes... my friends seem to get it, just not him). Maybe if he sees me trying... he would figure he could try, too. On a brighter note.... I did manage to get my appetite back and ate a full meal without feeling nauseous afterward. That is a step in the right direction, right?
I did manage to open a new book to read and it is very light on the romance. Not as light as I would have hoped for, but a co-worker highly recommended it to get myself out of the false hopes that the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy offered me. I now know why I avoid romance novels (no matter how erotic they make them). It is that false hope that there is someone out there that can fit the bill of what women really want without much effort. Men are wired differently than woman and that is how it should be. I would be intrigued if there was a man to read those type of books and actually see first hand what women look for in a man. Protective, vulnerable, loving to the point that he would leave his comfort zone just to have that special woman in their life, and generous to the point that it could be uncomfortable. The man of most women's dreams has more than sex appeal. It is how they are towards the one they love. While mind-blowing sex would be appreciated, it is not on the top of the list for me. Not sure about other women, but I actually appreciate what is inside the person more than where their talents are. Believe me.... a little consideration, respect, and appreciation goes a long way. Well, that and doing those little things that show that they really love you just because they want to and not because you asked for it. Most of it costs virtually nothing. A little hand-written love note can melt any woman's heart. Seeing love in their eyes when you look into them. Even just holding hands or cuddling can do the trick. I am not one for chocolates and flowers, I really do not need diamonds, and I am pretty easy to please just by being thought of. I am not asking for a jealous and insecure hero, but someone that cherishes me. It is really not all that much to ask, but I do not think I should ask for it. It should be willingly offered because they want to. Isn't that what love consists of? Simple things given freely because they want to instead of be required or asked to. It is really not all that complicated, but it seems that people make it difficult anyway. I know that I offer it freely... Compassion, love, respect and understanding. I offer all that I can in hopes that what I offer is returned in the same way. I have believed that effort is a two-way street. If you offer it freely, you will receive the same in return. Sadly, it is not the case if the other person can't (or won't) even notice it to even try. I have embraced this and I am determined to keep working for it to get better. Marriage, as well as relationships in general, require work. Nothing is meant to be easy. It takes determination to never just give up and I think I have that in me. I just wonder if he has that in him. If he does not and tells me so.... Then when it ends, you can say with your head held up high that you did all that you could and never wonder "what if" at a later date. Isn't that the best closure to have? No doubts whatsoever?
Sigh. I guess only time will tell. I am not going anywhere, anytime soon.
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Thanks for the harsh words DH!
Everyone knows that words can hurt as much as a slap in the face. Especially when they are aware that you are too weak to fight back......
Feeling raw from a feeling that is so unwelcome in this stage of my life, I had to face the fact that I had two people leave in two days. Yes, one will be back on Sunday, but the other is only going to visit from time to time with large gaps in between. Both people I believe are pivotal in my life, but only one truly understands the way I feel and did what they could to soften the blow. The other? Well, really does not think all that much about my feelings anymore. What really hurts is that the one that took the time and charted a course to soften the blow is the one that is not coming back on Sunday.
As DH went through his mental list of what he needs to take with him on his fishing trip, I was asked to help going through a list I figured he would already have. With his heart issues in mind, I mentioned if he was bringing the blood pressure machine with him since he checks his blood pressure every night before taking his medicines. He tells me that he won't need it because his vacation will be so relaxing that any chance of high blood pressure will be a moot subject. While I tend to agree that his blood pressure will be under control, I figured that when checking his blood pressure has been a habit since his return home from the hospital almost a year ago, I wanted to not sway him to forgetting how far he has come. I actually figured that it was a kind of security blanket in reminding him that he is doing well and going in the right direction. Needless to say, I made the mistake by joking that apparently his blood pressure issues are only prevalent when he is around me and that he was right in deciding to leave that monitoring devise at home. That mistake turned a remotely jovial man that I married into a bitter, harsh word throwing monster that completely forgot to notice that I was going through some detachment issues over my best friend leaving the day before. I have done my best in at least telling him that I am sad over that and trying to regain my bearings. I even mentioned that I would like to fly to Vegas to see my friend some time in the future. By his non-response to that comment.... I think I already have his answer regarding that. He will fight with me if I actually ask again.
I just should have known better than to even mention that I have needs, too. Needs of reassurance that I matter in his life. That I am not just that lump of emotional flesh that he supports and takes care of just about everything in the four walls that we call home. While he offers a sweet "goodbye" to DD before she left for school, I got the cold shoulder of goodbyes when it was just him and I alone in the house. As the bitter side of me starts to rear up to strike, I think it is about time to do something for myself when the time comes. I just seem to be paralyzed over what will happen in its wake when I do decide to not put their needs first. Chances are, I will just keep my head down and continue to battle my internal needs to stay buried inside me.
That once confident woman that DH met and fell in love with is withering away as each year passes. Being treated less and less of a vital part of his life. My ideas are never considered, my feelings holding no weight in his heart, and the extent of my willingness to do more is no longer enough. While there are times that we do get along, it is really only on his terms. He rarely ever asks me anything and when he does????.... My ability to be honest is NOT what he wants to hear. Heck, his outbursts of frustration has DD and I cowering at times. With looking from the outside of all of this through my blogging, I see this as abuse. Mental anguish is not a healthy way to live, but I do see myself being trained to accept it as this is the way it is supposed to be. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it.... mental abuse can be just as brutal as physical abuse. There are no marks on the body to see the damage it brings. What keeps me here is love. I do love him, but with outbursts like the one I got before he left.... I now have no fear of dying. My panic attacks are really under control now. What scared me so much that I would hyperventilate to the point of passing out is gone. Well, only that aspect is gone. I have a new fear and that is to be alone. I have friends and I have family, but I have love to offer him and he shuts me out every time I try. I do blame his upbringing. His parents charted the course of what a long standing marriage consists of and he is mirroring that behavior at me. His parents do not have public displays of romantic tendencies and since DH never saw them being romantic at home in front of his siblings.... he sees this as the proper way to be. Only of I knew then what I know now.... I seriously would have rethought my decision to settle down. If things would be this miserable back in the early stage of my marriage, I would have left and never looked back. In fact, looking back.... I had my unhappy moments, but never at this magnitude.
How do we bounce back from this? How do we make it better? Since what he said is the last thing I will hear until he returns, I have time to let the sting of his attitude fade away. Chances are, I will forgive him before he returns because that is what I do. I explain it away and take the blame. I will be more quiet than usual when he does return. I do not want a repeat performance after he had his vacation from the frustration that I apparently create when we are together. See? Taking the blame already. I am getting good at this. Almost 14 years down and who knows how many more years to go.....
Have a great vacation, DH! I'll be here taking care of everything... as usual.....
Feeling raw from a feeling that is so unwelcome in this stage of my life, I had to face the fact that I had two people leave in two days. Yes, one will be back on Sunday, but the other is only going to visit from time to time with large gaps in between. Both people I believe are pivotal in my life, but only one truly understands the way I feel and did what they could to soften the blow. The other? Well, really does not think all that much about my feelings anymore. What really hurts is that the one that took the time and charted a course to soften the blow is the one that is not coming back on Sunday.
As DH went through his mental list of what he needs to take with him on his fishing trip, I was asked to help going through a list I figured he would already have. With his heart issues in mind, I mentioned if he was bringing the blood pressure machine with him since he checks his blood pressure every night before taking his medicines. He tells me that he won't need it because his vacation will be so relaxing that any chance of high blood pressure will be a moot subject. While I tend to agree that his blood pressure will be under control, I figured that when checking his blood pressure has been a habit since his return home from the hospital almost a year ago, I wanted to not sway him to forgetting how far he has come. I actually figured that it was a kind of security blanket in reminding him that he is doing well and going in the right direction. Needless to say, I made the mistake by joking that apparently his blood pressure issues are only prevalent when he is around me and that he was right in deciding to leave that monitoring devise at home. That mistake turned a remotely jovial man that I married into a bitter, harsh word throwing monster that completely forgot to notice that I was going through some detachment issues over my best friend leaving the day before. I have done my best in at least telling him that I am sad over that and trying to regain my bearings. I even mentioned that I would like to fly to Vegas to see my friend some time in the future. By his non-response to that comment.... I think I already have his answer regarding that. He will fight with me if I actually ask again.
I just should have known better than to even mention that I have needs, too. Needs of reassurance that I matter in his life. That I am not just that lump of emotional flesh that he supports and takes care of just about everything in the four walls that we call home. While he offers a sweet "goodbye" to DD before she left for school, I got the cold shoulder of goodbyes when it was just him and I alone in the house. As the bitter side of me starts to rear up to strike, I think it is about time to do something for myself when the time comes. I just seem to be paralyzed over what will happen in its wake when I do decide to not put their needs first. Chances are, I will just keep my head down and continue to battle my internal needs to stay buried inside me.
That once confident woman that DH met and fell in love with is withering away as each year passes. Being treated less and less of a vital part of his life. My ideas are never considered, my feelings holding no weight in his heart, and the extent of my willingness to do more is no longer enough. While there are times that we do get along, it is really only on his terms. He rarely ever asks me anything and when he does????.... My ability to be honest is NOT what he wants to hear. Heck, his outbursts of frustration has DD and I cowering at times. With looking from the outside of all of this through my blogging, I see this as abuse. Mental anguish is not a healthy way to live, but I do see myself being trained to accept it as this is the way it is supposed to be. Makes my stomach turn every time I think about it.... mental abuse can be just as brutal as physical abuse. There are no marks on the body to see the damage it brings. What keeps me here is love. I do love him, but with outbursts like the one I got before he left.... I now have no fear of dying. My panic attacks are really under control now. What scared me so much that I would hyperventilate to the point of passing out is gone. Well, only that aspect is gone. I have a new fear and that is to be alone. I have friends and I have family, but I have love to offer him and he shuts me out every time I try. I do blame his upbringing. His parents charted the course of what a long standing marriage consists of and he is mirroring that behavior at me. His parents do not have public displays of romantic tendencies and since DH never saw them being romantic at home in front of his siblings.... he sees this as the proper way to be. Only of I knew then what I know now.... I seriously would have rethought my decision to settle down. If things would be this miserable back in the early stage of my marriage, I would have left and never looked back. In fact, looking back.... I had my unhappy moments, but never at this magnitude.
How do we bounce back from this? How do we make it better? Since what he said is the last thing I will hear until he returns, I have time to let the sting of his attitude fade away. Chances are, I will forgive him before he returns because that is what I do. I explain it away and take the blame. I will be more quiet than usual when he does return. I do not want a repeat performance after he had his vacation from the frustration that I apparently create when we are together. See? Taking the blame already. I am getting good at this. Almost 14 years down and who knows how many more years to go.....
Have a great vacation, DH! I'll be here taking care of everything... as usual.....
Unwelcome feeling....
Emotional release is something everyone has. It usually is anger or sadness, but there are a few moments where fear can even be strong enough to become a release. I just never thought that what I have been feeling is really any emotion that is run of the mill.
While I am trying to sum up this sick feeling in my stomach as something stemmed from sadness over my best friend moving away. Heck, it has not even been a solid 24 hours since I got the call that she was on the road and heading for Vegas. It is not like we saw each other all the time, but there was a sense of comfort that she was not that far away. I did my crying over the reality that she needed to move away and I have been actually quite calm over this transition (so far). I just cannot get a grasp over where this odd and uncomfortable feeling is stemmed from. It is almost like a mix of various emotions balled up and bouncing around inside me. Sadness over this pivotal change in my life, fear or concern for the safety of another, anger that my most reliable friend is no longer a short drive to see anymore, excitement for my friend's new adventure, anxiety over what is to happen next, and loneliness. It almost feels like I am holding on this feeling for dear life to remain strong. I now know that when a person puts so much of themselves into something, it is painful to let it go. I see that in my friend as well as I see that with my family. Yes, I have plenty of friends and a loving family. I should take comfort in that, but there are just some things that keep me in a comfort zone I appreciated deeper than I thought. It is almost like my childhood security blanket has been ripped from my hands and I am very vulnerable now.
I realized as I watched DH pack up his stuff for his "fishing" trip, there is far too many people leaving me alone and it either increased the strength of my inner turmoil or just made it more noticeable. While I am aware that DH will be back home soon, and my best friend will come back to visit around the holidays... It is just too much in such a short time. While I worry about my friend making a safe journey to Vegas, I now have to worry about DH's road trip for his fishing trip. Regardless of how DH can drive me absolutely batty at times, he is a part of me as well as I am a part of him. The connection that my friend and I have is very similar to my connection to DH.
Reality is just too raw for me right now. I know I am strong and that I can handle this. I need time, but this miserable feeling is making it really hard to let time take it's course. I know that I will immerse myself in tedious stuff to keep my mind busy and keep this uncomfortable feeling at a manageable low. I just wonder if it will be enough to give me the time that I need to get the release I need and to heal from the destruction that this ball of unwelcome feeling spurred energy is going to make. I just never fathomed that this feeling actually repulses the urge to eat. Every time I try... I feel nauseous. This might have an upside regarding my attempts at losing weight, but this is not a healthy way of doing this.
While I like my "alone time", I prefer it to be in short bursts instead of one big block of time all at once. Oh well, I just need to deal and before I know it.... DH will be back home. Then maybe I won't feel so sick to my stomach... or at least less sick to my stomach.... Sigh. Well, have a great day everyone! Time to find my book and drift off into another world other than my own.....
While I am trying to sum up this sick feeling in my stomach as something stemmed from sadness over my best friend moving away. Heck, it has not even been a solid 24 hours since I got the call that she was on the road and heading for Vegas. It is not like we saw each other all the time, but there was a sense of comfort that she was not that far away. I did my crying over the reality that she needed to move away and I have been actually quite calm over this transition (so far). I just cannot get a grasp over where this odd and uncomfortable feeling is stemmed from. It is almost like a mix of various emotions balled up and bouncing around inside me. Sadness over this pivotal change in my life, fear or concern for the safety of another, anger that my most reliable friend is no longer a short drive to see anymore, excitement for my friend's new adventure, anxiety over what is to happen next, and loneliness. It almost feels like I am holding on this feeling for dear life to remain strong. I now know that when a person puts so much of themselves into something, it is painful to let it go. I see that in my friend as well as I see that with my family. Yes, I have plenty of friends and a loving family. I should take comfort in that, but there are just some things that keep me in a comfort zone I appreciated deeper than I thought. It is almost like my childhood security blanket has been ripped from my hands and I am very vulnerable now.
I realized as I watched DH pack up his stuff for his "fishing" trip, there is far too many people leaving me alone and it either increased the strength of my inner turmoil or just made it more noticeable. While I am aware that DH will be back home soon, and my best friend will come back to visit around the holidays... It is just too much in such a short time. While I worry about my friend making a safe journey to Vegas, I now have to worry about DH's road trip for his fishing trip. Regardless of how DH can drive me absolutely batty at times, he is a part of me as well as I am a part of him. The connection that my friend and I have is very similar to my connection to DH.
Reality is just too raw for me right now. I know I am strong and that I can handle this. I need time, but this miserable feeling is making it really hard to let time take it's course. I know that I will immerse myself in tedious stuff to keep my mind busy and keep this uncomfortable feeling at a manageable low. I just wonder if it will be enough to give me the time that I need to get the release I need and to heal from the destruction that this ball of unwelcome feeling spurred energy is going to make. I just never fathomed that this feeling actually repulses the urge to eat. Every time I try... I feel nauseous. This might have an upside regarding my attempts at losing weight, but this is not a healthy way of doing this.
While I like my "alone time", I prefer it to be in short bursts instead of one big block of time all at once. Oh well, I just need to deal and before I know it.... DH will be back home. Then maybe I won't feel so sick to my stomach... or at least less sick to my stomach.... Sigh. Well, have a great day everyone! Time to find my book and drift off into another world other than my own.....
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Patience of a saint.....
Good morning and thank goodness the weekend is over! Usually I am saddened that the weekend comes and goes so quickly, but I feel actually relieved that DH is back at work and DD is heading back to school. I know it sounds harsh, but my saint-like tendencies were put to the test this weekend. Here is why.....
Ever since I gave DH the checkbook to face the reality that his relaxed attitude about collecting a paycheck is hurting us, he has taken on the role of a hermit and has dragged us with him. We rarely ever do anything beyond the usual grocery shopping trip. The last time we went somewhere remotely fun was to my mother's birthday dinner. We have not gone to the zoo, the park, the movies, or even out to dinner in so long that I am beginning to feel the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. Well, not exactly, because I am able to go out with friends on Saturday nights. I just never hear of anything really going on. And when there is something going on..... I am left with no feasible way to go. There is a lot going on this weekend that does not require kids to tag along, but with DH away on his annual "fishing" trip (which is usually a drinking fest with his friends to return home with no fish, a sunburn and a hangover), I have no sitter to watch DD... only me. Well, there is that, but also if I was to actually have fun like my friends.... I face the harsh reality that DH gets miffed because having fun comes at a cost which makes me less than ambitious to do the grocery shopping or anything he just might want to do. I know it is a rare thing, but he seems to be motivated to do things when I get the opportunity to have a few beers in my system that creates a slight hangover the next day. I am not that heavy of a drinker, so hangovers are common for me.
With the extended weekend that we just had, I figured that we would do something together as a family beyond the weekly grocery shopping trip, but alas... we did not. DH planted himself in the recliner (with remote in hand) and watched a marathon of "How it's made" on the science channel. While I do enjoy a little educational TV from time to time, I just could not sit there and watch episode after episode, all day. Between the obvious "snore-fest" of the TV going all day, DH took random naps here and there. DD stayed in her room with the laptop and her Nintendo keeping her company. I decided to read from my Kindle while taking random breaks to find something else to do. My desire to be attached to the computer with Facebook is getting less and less and the games that I was suckered into playing are becoming droll. As the day progressed, DH did get motivated to do something, but nagged the living daylights out of DD and I to ride our bikes around the block. DD and her resolve was held firm, as I finally started to get a little miffed at his persistence. A ride around the block was not what I wanted to do, but I did it so he could just stop nagging me. I actually had no clue what I wanted to do, but I had to get out of the house and away from the boring sound of the narrator that talks through every episode of "how it's made". I got to the point I really hated learning how they make stuff. I was in agony! After looking at the clock slowly trek forward, I was starting to slowly lose my mind.
While I could have easily gone back to doing my usual housework, I just cannot seem to do that while I have people lounging around in the house. Cleaning is a chore I loathe, but prefer to do it alone. Probably because I hate feeling rude to those that are around me. Maybe I even seem to be starving to have interaction with people.... I am alone at home most of the time. Also, if DH is doing nothing to help me.... I just hate being watched as I scurry about doing housework.
With obviously nothing being done and a full day of back to back episodes of the same boring show on the TV.... I was at my wits end! Trapped and miserable seemed to fit the bill for the day. Thank goodness that is over and now I am back to some remote feeling that things are back to "normal", but saddened that this is what holiday weekends are going to be.... Droll TV, snoring husband, hidden daughter, and boredom that borders upon feeling like I had a lobotomy.
Of course, today is a tough day for me. My best friend in the whole world is in her car, heading off to her new life in Vegas today. Tomorrow, DH heads off for his annual "fishing" trip. Then it will be just DD and I. At least I have a few things bouncing around in my head for her and I to do. I think she is just about as willing as I am to do something different. I know we are planning on going to dinner with my mom some time this week and maybe even catch a movie, too. Bowling, golf range, arcade.... who knows. Maybe we will even take a train ride to the city and do a little sight seeing. Too many choices, but too little money to work with. I just hope we agree on something fun to do because my saint-like patience has been but to the test and is running quite low.
Well, back to the usual stuff..... and welcome stuff that is (hahaha).... Have a great day everyone!
Ever since I gave DH the checkbook to face the reality that his relaxed attitude about collecting a paycheck is hurting us, he has taken on the role of a hermit and has dragged us with him. We rarely ever do anything beyond the usual grocery shopping trip. The last time we went somewhere remotely fun was to my mother's birthday dinner. We have not gone to the zoo, the park, the movies, or even out to dinner in so long that I am beginning to feel the effects of Stockholm Syndrome. Well, not exactly, because I am able to go out with friends on Saturday nights. I just never hear of anything really going on. And when there is something going on..... I am left with no feasible way to go. There is a lot going on this weekend that does not require kids to tag along, but with DH away on his annual "fishing" trip (which is usually a drinking fest with his friends to return home with no fish, a sunburn and a hangover), I have no sitter to watch DD... only me. Well, there is that, but also if I was to actually have fun like my friends.... I face the harsh reality that DH gets miffed because having fun comes at a cost which makes me less than ambitious to do the grocery shopping or anything he just might want to do. I know it is a rare thing, but he seems to be motivated to do things when I get the opportunity to have a few beers in my system that creates a slight hangover the next day. I am not that heavy of a drinker, so hangovers are common for me.
With the extended weekend that we just had, I figured that we would do something together as a family beyond the weekly grocery shopping trip, but alas... we did not. DH planted himself in the recliner (with remote in hand) and watched a marathon of "How it's made" on the science channel. While I do enjoy a little educational TV from time to time, I just could not sit there and watch episode after episode, all day. Between the obvious "snore-fest" of the TV going all day, DH took random naps here and there. DD stayed in her room with the laptop and her Nintendo keeping her company. I decided to read from my Kindle while taking random breaks to find something else to do. My desire to be attached to the computer with Facebook is getting less and less and the games that I was suckered into playing are becoming droll. As the day progressed, DH did get motivated to do something, but nagged the living daylights out of DD and I to ride our bikes around the block. DD and her resolve was held firm, as I finally started to get a little miffed at his persistence. A ride around the block was not what I wanted to do, but I did it so he could just stop nagging me. I actually had no clue what I wanted to do, but I had to get out of the house and away from the boring sound of the narrator that talks through every episode of "how it's made". I got to the point I really hated learning how they make stuff. I was in agony! After looking at the clock slowly trek forward, I was starting to slowly lose my mind.
While I could have easily gone back to doing my usual housework, I just cannot seem to do that while I have people lounging around in the house. Cleaning is a chore I loathe, but prefer to do it alone. Probably because I hate feeling rude to those that are around me. Maybe I even seem to be starving to have interaction with people.... I am alone at home most of the time. Also, if DH is doing nothing to help me.... I just hate being watched as I scurry about doing housework.
With obviously nothing being done and a full day of back to back episodes of the same boring show on the TV.... I was at my wits end! Trapped and miserable seemed to fit the bill for the day. Thank goodness that is over and now I am back to some remote feeling that things are back to "normal", but saddened that this is what holiday weekends are going to be.... Droll TV, snoring husband, hidden daughter, and boredom that borders upon feeling like I had a lobotomy.
Of course, today is a tough day for me. My best friend in the whole world is in her car, heading off to her new life in Vegas today. Tomorrow, DH heads off for his annual "fishing" trip. Then it will be just DD and I. At least I have a few things bouncing around in my head for her and I to do. I think she is just about as willing as I am to do something different. I know we are planning on going to dinner with my mom some time this week and maybe even catch a movie, too. Bowling, golf range, arcade.... who knows. Maybe we will even take a train ride to the city and do a little sight seeing. Too many choices, but too little money to work with. I just hope we agree on something fun to do because my saint-like patience has been but to the test and is running quite low.
Well, back to the usual stuff..... and welcome stuff that is (hahaha).... Have a great day everyone!
Monday, May 28, 2012
Just an observation....
Not too long ago, a co-worker asked me a question for her client. Her question was..... "Why are girls attracted to bad boys and not this really good guy (pointing in the direction of her client)?"
Her client looks at me with obvious curiosity to what my answer will be....
I decided to clarify that question and make sure that he was ready for a really honest answer.... He was.
A smile came across my face (my usual softening tactic when I have to be brutally honest), pondered my words, and said the honest truth..... Girls swoon at guys that pose a challenge. They have a deeply ingrained sense that they need to "fix" him, and apparently there is nothing to "fix".
To all those readers of my blog that happen to be of the male species: I know that you are probably shouting "FIX HIM??? WTF!!! Men do not want to be fixed...." I am painfully aware of the sentiment, but it is true, in a sense. Women are natural born nurturers. We are emotional creatures that yearn to be wanted and needed. Our sense of connection is more emotional than physical. While we appreciate the physical attention, we look at encompassing every emotional aspect available in our minds.
Now, just an interesting thought or even observation that I have not gotten a solid answer for, but can only assume what I think is true. Men are more visual than emotional. They see what they want, pursue it and revert back to who they are. Men seem to love the chase, but once it gets more emotional.... they high-tail it to the hills. While they are capable of emotion, it is far more reserved because they like to have control at all times. The depth of commitment is quite shallow in their minds. Encompassing all those emotional aspects is droll and frankly, a pain in the ass. Men like simple things, while in their opinion.... women are just too complicated and wonder why women get so wound up over what they see is trivial crap.
Yes, men can be complicated, too. At least in the eyes of women. We have a hard time grasping that men will think differently than women. But in all honesty..... we do have a fair number of similarities, but refuse to take a stroll in the other's shoes to understand it. Here are a few observations that I noticed.....
*Women want the "bad boy" look, but desire the soft spoken romantic. It is in how the exterior contradicts the interior.
*Men's pursuit is purely sexual, but do want a deeper connection mentally. Yet another contradiction between what is on the outside to what is on the inside.
*When it comes to "the chase", both men and women spend a lot of attention to the details. What you wear, what you say, what you do, and how you act. Once the chase proves fruitful and you acquired your intended goal (sometimes 'victim' comes to mind because there are some serious 'cereal daters' out there), you relax from the comfort that you have their undivided attention; they are not looking to go anywhere else, and revert to who you are that obviously is the polar opposite of who you portrayed to get them in the first place. (BTW... I have solid proof of this scenario quite a few times. I was pursued by a courteous and thoughtful guy to later find out he was a total control freak. He certainly was not that when I first met him, but became that shortly after I accepted his request to be his girlfriend.... Heck, I married a guy that told me he loved me numerous times before I said it once and after we got married... I no longer get any random share of the emotion from him.)
*Once settled in a relationship, we find every little annoyance there is about that person. During that courtship stage (aka the chase) has run its course, our "smitten" goggles come off and we see clearly what we chose to settle upon and get a bit angry. Women acted aloof to snare the attention of their guy, and men acted well out of their element to woo their girl.... Now, women want that continual stream of wooing and men want their women to shut the hell up and stay aloof. People are driven by insecurity to keep what they got.... Both men and women can agree on this. Sadly, a woman's insecurity can be paralyzing and destructive to the foundation of the relationship. Men's, on the other hand, are only spurred by jealousy which can be disguised as looking like a knight in shining armor.
*Conversations and physical acts: Men do not communicate as well as women. Women are not as insatiable as men. Trying harder to strengthen their weaknesses would be ideal, but DNA makes it really hard to try. Women vent feelings while men try to decipher if they have to "fix it" or "defend their actions that they feel they are being chastised for". Men take comfort in physical contact as the best form of communication while women see it as non-verbal.
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think my observations are spot on. I think I am starting to understand more, but understand less at the same time because of it. It is not like I need to have all the answers, but it does not hurt to understand more. Somewhere in these observations is the answer to my problem, but how do I fix something that most likely is not broken to begin with. It only seems broken because I am looking at this through the eyes of a woman and not a man. Also, I cannot seem to get DH's point of view of things. He just seems to shut down every time I try to get him to open up. Quite frustrating is all I can say about that.... Oh well.... Just observations... No facts.... What do you think?????
Her client looks at me with obvious curiosity to what my answer will be....
I decided to clarify that question and make sure that he was ready for a really honest answer.... He was.
A smile came across my face (my usual softening tactic when I have to be brutally honest), pondered my words, and said the honest truth..... Girls swoon at guys that pose a challenge. They have a deeply ingrained sense that they need to "fix" him, and apparently there is nothing to "fix".
To all those readers of my blog that happen to be of the male species: I know that you are probably shouting "FIX HIM??? WTF!!! Men do not want to be fixed...." I am painfully aware of the sentiment, but it is true, in a sense. Women are natural born nurturers. We are emotional creatures that yearn to be wanted and needed. Our sense of connection is more emotional than physical. While we appreciate the physical attention, we look at encompassing every emotional aspect available in our minds.
Now, just an interesting thought or even observation that I have not gotten a solid answer for, but can only assume what I think is true. Men are more visual than emotional. They see what they want, pursue it and revert back to who they are. Men seem to love the chase, but once it gets more emotional.... they high-tail it to the hills. While they are capable of emotion, it is far more reserved because they like to have control at all times. The depth of commitment is quite shallow in their minds. Encompassing all those emotional aspects is droll and frankly, a pain in the ass. Men like simple things, while in their opinion.... women are just too complicated and wonder why women get so wound up over what they see is trivial crap.
Yes, men can be complicated, too. At least in the eyes of women. We have a hard time grasping that men will think differently than women. But in all honesty..... we do have a fair number of similarities, but refuse to take a stroll in the other's shoes to understand it. Here are a few observations that I noticed.....
*Women want the "bad boy" look, but desire the soft spoken romantic. It is in how the exterior contradicts the interior.
*Men's pursuit is purely sexual, but do want a deeper connection mentally. Yet another contradiction between what is on the outside to what is on the inside.
*When it comes to "the chase", both men and women spend a lot of attention to the details. What you wear, what you say, what you do, and how you act. Once the chase proves fruitful and you acquired your intended goal (sometimes 'victim' comes to mind because there are some serious 'cereal daters' out there), you relax from the comfort that you have their undivided attention; they are not looking to go anywhere else, and revert to who you are that obviously is the polar opposite of who you portrayed to get them in the first place. (BTW... I have solid proof of this scenario quite a few times. I was pursued by a courteous and thoughtful guy to later find out he was a total control freak. He certainly was not that when I first met him, but became that shortly after I accepted his request to be his girlfriend.... Heck, I married a guy that told me he loved me numerous times before I said it once and after we got married... I no longer get any random share of the emotion from him.)
*Once settled in a relationship, we find every little annoyance there is about that person. During that courtship stage (aka the chase) has run its course, our "smitten" goggles come off and we see clearly what we chose to settle upon and get a bit angry. Women acted aloof to snare the attention of their guy, and men acted well out of their element to woo their girl.... Now, women want that continual stream of wooing and men want their women to shut the hell up and stay aloof. People are driven by insecurity to keep what they got.... Both men and women can agree on this. Sadly, a woman's insecurity can be paralyzing and destructive to the foundation of the relationship. Men's, on the other hand, are only spurred by jealousy which can be disguised as looking like a knight in shining armor.
*Conversations and physical acts: Men do not communicate as well as women. Women are not as insatiable as men. Trying harder to strengthen their weaknesses would be ideal, but DNA makes it really hard to try. Women vent feelings while men try to decipher if they have to "fix it" or "defend their actions that they feel they are being chastised for". Men take comfort in physical contact as the best form of communication while women see it as non-verbal.
Correct me if I am wrong, but I think my observations are spot on. I think I am starting to understand more, but understand less at the same time because of it. It is not like I need to have all the answers, but it does not hurt to understand more. Somewhere in these observations is the answer to my problem, but how do I fix something that most likely is not broken to begin with. It only seems broken because I am looking at this through the eyes of a woman and not a man. Also, I cannot seem to get DH's point of view of things. He just seems to shut down every time I try to get him to open up. Quite frustrating is all I can say about that.... Oh well.... Just observations... No facts.... What do you think?????
Friday, May 25, 2012
What a friend is......
Friends come in all shapes and sizes, but it those select few that remain true to who they are that touch our soul. With advances in communication, people from all over the world can keep in touch through social medias. In fact, what we thought was a small circle of people we call "friend" somehow grows to a dizzying rate when the barriers are broken down when social media comes and makes its appearance center stage.
Really, has it crossed anyone's mind that through social media, like Facebook, your friend base suddenly gets bigger than you ever thought? And not all of them are really your friends. They are acquaintances. Tell me this..... How many of your Facebook friends would "have your back" no matter what? How many of those people that you have as friends really care what you think, have a remotely care in the world how you are really feeling, or even take the time to actually offer an honest feeling without masking it in sarcasm, humor or distain? Not many, I can tell you that. What we do have in life is a very small number of people that we can really count on. I happen to know that all too well. In fact, I learned how small my list is of the true friends I have.
People have two sides to them when it comes to social media. The image they want you to see and the true self that they are. Some have mastered being a friend to all, but manage to do something that is not so friendly away from the prying eyes of society that share the same social media outlet. Some stay true to who they are. Others may pose to be the opposite by showcasing a crude or crass persona on a social media, but are quite kind when away from flaunting their "puffery" for the world to see. I just do not understand why a person needs to be different than who they really are. Is it a defense mechanism? Or is it a cry for attention? Nobody will ever know because the truth always stays hidden for the world to see. I guess that is why that old saying... "never judge a book by its cover" is so true. Nobody truly gets to know you when all you flaunt is the cover and never let anyone open the book and get to know its contents.
Late last night... I got a text from a friend. Everyone was in bed, except for me. I was taking some time to relax with a book and enjoy the comfort of knowing that my family is safe at home. In all honesty, I think I appreciate my family more when they are peacefully resting.... less bantering going on. After reading the text from my friend, I knew they needed someone to talk to. While sending texts back and forth is far quieter than talking, we knew that there is not enough time to wait for the text to arrive, reply, and send back to carry a conversation. Taking my cell phone down to the lowest level of my home, I called my friend to talk. I find it funny at how a simple conversation regarding one thing can morph into a fully blown chat session. I really did not mind that I was on the phone that late or for that long. My friend needed me. While we talked about various things, I became quite humbled at how my friend points out that I happen to have a very full life with a lot of true friends.... you know.... the ones that have your back. That will stand up for you when you are not there to stand up for yourself. In all honesty, I only have a handful of friends like that. It is not much, but in the grand scheme of it all.... Isn't that all we really need? That friend that we can rely upon for an honest opinion (even if the truth hurts), that friend that does not care what time it is to talk because you know that they need someone to talk to, that friend that could read between the lines of a Facebook status and know better, that friend that you know who would be in the front row of your funeral with honest tears in their eyes.... The list is endless, but you get what I am saying, right? The truest of friend keeps your secrets and respects who you are. A friend that can pick you up when you feel down and not care how silly they need to be in order to make you feel better. The love between friends is pretty darn close to the love a child has for their parents. It is unconditional because no matter how life throws those curve balls that could possibly derail a friendship, you work to keep it on track. Friends will fight, but they always find a solution in the end that continues to keep the bond strong. I believe that is something we all possess... a strong will to be a good friend. Sadly, there will be some that are not and they choose to be that way. Their only true friend is the one they see in the mirror. I just have a hard time fathoming that being a happy or fulfilling life.
In our long conversation, I was forewarned again that my nice nature is not always appreciated. I was informed that something was said about me from a person I thought was my friend that was not nice at all. Stunned at what was said, I felt sick over it, but my friend assured me that they had my back and stood up for me. At first, I was not sure if I could believe that happened, but this friend that stood up for me had no reason to lie. In fact, they have never lied to me and I know that is the truth. It was their reaction when it happened that had me realize that even more that they are one of those friends that has my back... no matter what. Humbled from the knowledge and appreciative for what they have done is what is left from that conversation. What hurts the most is that I probably will remain the same person because of this.... I still cannot build the wall to be someone that I am not to protect myself from incidences like that from happening ever again. I am who I am... What you see is the truth. Getting hurt is part of life. I am just really good at taking the punches that get thrown at me, but when those punches are done behind my back and I am told about them..... well, that just hurts because I always believed there is good in everyone I know. I am just so thankful that I have a friend that was in my corner when it happened.
Thank you, friend. You know who you are :)
Really, has it crossed anyone's mind that through social media, like Facebook, your friend base suddenly gets bigger than you ever thought? And not all of them are really your friends. They are acquaintances. Tell me this..... How many of your Facebook friends would "have your back" no matter what? How many of those people that you have as friends really care what you think, have a remotely care in the world how you are really feeling, or even take the time to actually offer an honest feeling without masking it in sarcasm, humor or distain? Not many, I can tell you that. What we do have in life is a very small number of people that we can really count on. I happen to know that all too well. In fact, I learned how small my list is of the true friends I have.
People have two sides to them when it comes to social media. The image they want you to see and the true self that they are. Some have mastered being a friend to all, but manage to do something that is not so friendly away from the prying eyes of society that share the same social media outlet. Some stay true to who they are. Others may pose to be the opposite by showcasing a crude or crass persona on a social media, but are quite kind when away from flaunting their "puffery" for the world to see. I just do not understand why a person needs to be different than who they really are. Is it a defense mechanism? Or is it a cry for attention? Nobody will ever know because the truth always stays hidden for the world to see. I guess that is why that old saying... "never judge a book by its cover" is so true. Nobody truly gets to know you when all you flaunt is the cover and never let anyone open the book and get to know its contents.
Late last night... I got a text from a friend. Everyone was in bed, except for me. I was taking some time to relax with a book and enjoy the comfort of knowing that my family is safe at home. In all honesty, I think I appreciate my family more when they are peacefully resting.... less bantering going on. After reading the text from my friend, I knew they needed someone to talk to. While sending texts back and forth is far quieter than talking, we knew that there is not enough time to wait for the text to arrive, reply, and send back to carry a conversation. Taking my cell phone down to the lowest level of my home, I called my friend to talk. I find it funny at how a simple conversation regarding one thing can morph into a fully blown chat session. I really did not mind that I was on the phone that late or for that long. My friend needed me. While we talked about various things, I became quite humbled at how my friend points out that I happen to have a very full life with a lot of true friends.... you know.... the ones that have your back. That will stand up for you when you are not there to stand up for yourself. In all honesty, I only have a handful of friends like that. It is not much, but in the grand scheme of it all.... Isn't that all we really need? That friend that we can rely upon for an honest opinion (even if the truth hurts), that friend that does not care what time it is to talk because you know that they need someone to talk to, that friend that could read between the lines of a Facebook status and know better, that friend that you know who would be in the front row of your funeral with honest tears in their eyes.... The list is endless, but you get what I am saying, right? The truest of friend keeps your secrets and respects who you are. A friend that can pick you up when you feel down and not care how silly they need to be in order to make you feel better. The love between friends is pretty darn close to the love a child has for their parents. It is unconditional because no matter how life throws those curve balls that could possibly derail a friendship, you work to keep it on track. Friends will fight, but they always find a solution in the end that continues to keep the bond strong. I believe that is something we all possess... a strong will to be a good friend. Sadly, there will be some that are not and they choose to be that way. Their only true friend is the one they see in the mirror. I just have a hard time fathoming that being a happy or fulfilling life.
In our long conversation, I was forewarned again that my nice nature is not always appreciated. I was informed that something was said about me from a person I thought was my friend that was not nice at all. Stunned at what was said, I felt sick over it, but my friend assured me that they had my back and stood up for me. At first, I was not sure if I could believe that happened, but this friend that stood up for me had no reason to lie. In fact, they have never lied to me and I know that is the truth. It was their reaction when it happened that had me realize that even more that they are one of those friends that has my back... no matter what. Humbled from the knowledge and appreciative for what they have done is what is left from that conversation. What hurts the most is that I probably will remain the same person because of this.... I still cannot build the wall to be someone that I am not to protect myself from incidences like that from happening ever again. I am who I am... What you see is the truth. Getting hurt is part of life. I am just really good at taking the punches that get thrown at me, but when those punches are done behind my back and I am told about them..... well, that just hurts because I always believed there is good in everyone I know. I am just so thankful that I have a friend that was in my corner when it happened.
Thank you, friend. You know who you are :)
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Trying, and failing....
Everything is in place and dinner is almost done.
I sure hope that he likes what I made for dinner.
The child is at a friend's house for the next two hours.
It will be just him and I... alone.
One last look in the full length mirror. Makeup done, dressed in something less frumpy, new hairstyle freshly re-coiffed.
I sure hope he likes my hair.
Check the clock.
He should be home any minute.
Anticipation builds.....
A familiar sound makes its way through the open windows. It is a beautiful evening as fresh air gently blows. Clear skies, the sun is settling for the day, and the humidity is fairly low.
Great hair weather.
The door opens and a familiar voice fills the dim.
"Hello everybody! I am home!"
"Hello, dear. How was your day?"
"Good, Crazy busy, but good. What is for dinner?"
"I figured I would make tacos. I am almost done. It should not take long. Why not kick back and relax for a bit."
"Tacos... my favorite! Okay. Where is the remote? Oh, never mind... I found it. Where is everyone?"
"It is just you and I for dinner tonight."
"Oh..."
"I figured that we should have a little alone time.... quality time."
"Oh."
The TV turns on. He finds his favorite channel and one of his favorite shows in on. I know it is a rerun. I can almost recite every line. Sheesh! How predictable! I roll my eyes. I sure hope that he looks up at least once in my direction. With the way I look.... I could not be any more obvious that I need him to pay a little attention to me.
"Dinner is ready. Want to have me make a plate for you?"
"Nah. I can get it myself."
"Okay. Help yourself. You want to eat in the dining room with me?
"Nah. I just want to watch some TV, eat some dinner and relax."
"Oh, okay." I frown. "Is it okay that I join you?"
"Sure." He walks in and looks at me. "Is that a new outfit?"
"No. Just a new top. Got it on sale when I was out running an errand. We were out of fabric softener and saw it. I figured that $5 was a deal. I hope you don't mind. I also stopped at my work and got my hair done. What do you think?
(silence) -- (sigh of frustration)
"Did I do something wrong?"
(glaring, eyes close tight, and another sigh of frustration)
A knot forms in my stomach. Bracing myself for the worst. I splurged on myself. He did not notice the new candle on the table, emitting a clean scent of lilacs. DAMN! I know that my efforts just placed some new, unwanted stress on his shoulders.
"Nancy.... Not to sound like a prick, but we just cannot afford to buy stuff we just happen to want. Heck, I would just love to get all kinds of things for myself, but do you see me buying them?"
"No." Looking down, feeling the sting of his tone. "I'm sorry."
"You seem to forget that my paycheck is gone before I even get it! We have a house filled with crap and we seem to be using only half of it! We cannot live with all of this excess! Do we really need another pot or pan to cook with? We have a cabinet filled with that stuff and yet I see another pan in this house!"
"It is only a shirt..." I say quietly. "More than half of the ones I do own are ruined and I rarely ever buy myself something. I thought $5 was a deal. I guess I am wrong... again."
"Oh stop with the dramatics! I knew you would take this as me being the bad guy!"
I say nothing. Head down. A nauseous feeling takes hold.
"Now you are gonna shut me out, right? I was just saying it like it is, damn it!"
His exasperated sigh is that I will be trapped in a room with silence. Anger in his eyes as he looks at me.
I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight, but I decided to speak....
"I just wanted to look nice for you. It seems like you do not look at me like you used to. In fact, you do not look at me really at all. I was hoping that you and I could have some quality time together... That we can have something like a date since it has been years since we have had one. While I know that it is hard to have an actual date when we have a child to consider, I was just hoping that we could reconnect while she is away. Apparently, I was wrong. I am not hungry... I need to take a drive. I will pick up our daughter while I am out. Enjoy your dinner. I know that this is your favorite."
As I grab my purse and keys, he speaks again....
"Thanks for dinner."
I say nothing and walk out the door.
I get into my truck and put the key in the ignition. Letting the engine roar to life, I turn up the stereo and wipe a single tear from my eye. I pull out of the driveway and just drive. Windows open, I head for the highway. I need to drive faster than what the residential streets have for a speed limit. I need for the wind to whip around my hair. I seek the touch of something to calm me down. I don't get touched. Rarely ever a hug from him, just a predictable peck on the lips when he leaves for work or just before he heads off to bed. The words 'I love you' sounding more like a rehearsed expectation. I look at it as a sign that I have not managed to piss him off. I at least get to hear that a few times a day (when he leaves for work, when we end a phone call, and just before he heads off to bed). That should be good enough, right? Married life is not supposed to be roses and romantic gestures, right? This is as good as it is gonna get, Nancy. You are being too demanding! He works all day and really does not want to be bothered with the trivial crap. Maybe his outburst is because he had a frustrating day. He said "busy, crazy busy"... Maybe he will calm down once I return home... doubtful, but a girl can hope, right? I shake my head in defeat. I know what will happen next.... He will act sugary-sweet towards our daughter, but under the surface... he is not. I will get the silent treatment again. I wonder how many days will this infraction cost me? It was just a $5 shirt (and a candle that he failed to notice). Oh Nancy, you silly child!! You are out driving and this truck does not run on air.....it runs on gas and that costs money, too. I am screwed!
Back to the drawing board.... Getting his attention by changing my look FAILED.
(FYI: This is not a recent event. This happened years ago. I have not bought myself another thing without permission.)
I sure hope that he likes what I made for dinner.
The child is at a friend's house for the next two hours.
It will be just him and I... alone.
One last look in the full length mirror. Makeup done, dressed in something less frumpy, new hairstyle freshly re-coiffed.
I sure hope he likes my hair.
Check the clock.
He should be home any minute.
Anticipation builds.....
A familiar sound makes its way through the open windows. It is a beautiful evening as fresh air gently blows. Clear skies, the sun is settling for the day, and the humidity is fairly low.
Great hair weather.
The door opens and a familiar voice fills the dim.
"Hello everybody! I am home!"
"Hello, dear. How was your day?"
"Good, Crazy busy, but good. What is for dinner?"
"I figured I would make tacos. I am almost done. It should not take long. Why not kick back and relax for a bit."
"Tacos... my favorite! Okay. Where is the remote? Oh, never mind... I found it. Where is everyone?"
"It is just you and I for dinner tonight."
"Oh..."
"I figured that we should have a little alone time.... quality time."
"Oh."
The TV turns on. He finds his favorite channel and one of his favorite shows in on. I know it is a rerun. I can almost recite every line. Sheesh! How predictable! I roll my eyes. I sure hope that he looks up at least once in my direction. With the way I look.... I could not be any more obvious that I need him to pay a little attention to me.
"Dinner is ready. Want to have me make a plate for you?"
"Nah. I can get it myself."
"Okay. Help yourself. You want to eat in the dining room with me?
"Nah. I just want to watch some TV, eat some dinner and relax."
"Oh, okay." I frown. "Is it okay that I join you?"
"Sure." He walks in and looks at me. "Is that a new outfit?"
"No. Just a new top. Got it on sale when I was out running an errand. We were out of fabric softener and saw it. I figured that $5 was a deal. I hope you don't mind. I also stopped at my work and got my hair done. What do you think?
(silence) -- (sigh of frustration)
"Did I do something wrong?"
(glaring, eyes close tight, and another sigh of frustration)
A knot forms in my stomach. Bracing myself for the worst. I splurged on myself. He did not notice the new candle on the table, emitting a clean scent of lilacs. DAMN! I know that my efforts just placed some new, unwanted stress on his shoulders.
"Nancy.... Not to sound like a prick, but we just cannot afford to buy stuff we just happen to want. Heck, I would just love to get all kinds of things for myself, but do you see me buying them?"
"No." Looking down, feeling the sting of his tone. "I'm sorry."
"You seem to forget that my paycheck is gone before I even get it! We have a house filled with crap and we seem to be using only half of it! We cannot live with all of this excess! Do we really need another pot or pan to cook with? We have a cabinet filled with that stuff and yet I see another pan in this house!"
"It is only a shirt..." I say quietly. "More than half of the ones I do own are ruined and I rarely ever buy myself something. I thought $5 was a deal. I guess I am wrong... again."
"Oh stop with the dramatics! I knew you would take this as me being the bad guy!"
I say nothing. Head down. A nauseous feeling takes hold.
"Now you are gonna shut me out, right? I was just saying it like it is, damn it!"
His exasperated sigh is that I will be trapped in a room with silence. Anger in his eyes as he looks at me.
I try to keep my mouth shut to avoid a fight, but I decided to speak....
"I just wanted to look nice for you. It seems like you do not look at me like you used to. In fact, you do not look at me really at all. I was hoping that you and I could have some quality time together... That we can have something like a date since it has been years since we have had one. While I know that it is hard to have an actual date when we have a child to consider, I was just hoping that we could reconnect while she is away. Apparently, I was wrong. I am not hungry... I need to take a drive. I will pick up our daughter while I am out. Enjoy your dinner. I know that this is your favorite."
As I grab my purse and keys, he speaks again....
"Thanks for dinner."
I say nothing and walk out the door.
I get into my truck and put the key in the ignition. Letting the engine roar to life, I turn up the stereo and wipe a single tear from my eye. I pull out of the driveway and just drive. Windows open, I head for the highway. I need to drive faster than what the residential streets have for a speed limit. I need for the wind to whip around my hair. I seek the touch of something to calm me down. I don't get touched. Rarely ever a hug from him, just a predictable peck on the lips when he leaves for work or just before he heads off to bed. The words 'I love you' sounding more like a rehearsed expectation. I look at it as a sign that I have not managed to piss him off. I at least get to hear that a few times a day (when he leaves for work, when we end a phone call, and just before he heads off to bed). That should be good enough, right? Married life is not supposed to be roses and romantic gestures, right? This is as good as it is gonna get, Nancy. You are being too demanding! He works all day and really does not want to be bothered with the trivial crap. Maybe his outburst is because he had a frustrating day. He said "busy, crazy busy"... Maybe he will calm down once I return home... doubtful, but a girl can hope, right? I shake my head in defeat. I know what will happen next.... He will act sugary-sweet towards our daughter, but under the surface... he is not. I will get the silent treatment again. I wonder how many days will this infraction cost me? It was just a $5 shirt (and a candle that he failed to notice). Oh Nancy, you silly child!! You are out driving and this truck does not run on air.....it runs on gas and that costs money, too. I am screwed!
Back to the drawing board.... Getting his attention by changing my look FAILED.
(FYI: This is not a recent event. This happened years ago. I have not bought myself another thing without permission.)
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Raw thought....
I have decided to take a look back to who this blogging thing started and realized that I have not even scratched the surface to my story. There seems to be so much that still has managed to clog my head and I still have not managed to find the right words... I just seem to still have some strong hold upon keeping myself protected from scrutiny.
I am not sure that I can completely release everything I believe I need to vent. While I am capable of sharing insight and feelings over things... I just cannot leap over that hurdle that holds me back. Actually, I feel like a dog on a short leash. With a strong determination to let loose and run, but get yanked back as the leash stops further momentum.
I did notice that if I was asked a question, I would give a far funnier retort of an answer from my lips. My writing is still "raw", yet restrained. I seem to have the gift of "gab" when the need arises, but if given the opportunity.... I would just rather remain quiet and thoughtful. Deep thinkers, like myself, enjoy the opportunity to learn as opposed to act.
Some recent events taught me something that I knew was yet another thread in the intricate weaving of the individual tapestry that is.... me. I am a conundrum of controversial thought. I appear to lack the ability to let things roll off like water from a duck's back. I let every experience take it's hold... A critical thinker that happens to be their own worst critic. At times, I feel like I am completely unworthy of all that I happen to have... Never happy with my appearance; I could never be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or even interesting enough.... A wallflower, if you must. Emotional to the core, jealous at times, and even resentful/remorseful. The only part of this messed up mess that I see in the mirror being remotely likable is the fact that I am cordial, nice, and accommodating. I think of others before I think of myself, but still cannot avoid being "played" the fool. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am vulnerable, non-confrontational, and weak. I am not sure when was the last time I felt free to really let loose. Well, I have had moments of release happen and it obviously portrayed something completely different than what it truly was. Somehow, surrounding factors seem to make simpler deductions to my actions. Apparently, words do not hold the height of regard that they should. I could see why.... People are capable of lying and being quite convincing that their lies are the truth. There are far more people seeking out things that only benefit them without regard of the others they used to get them there. I have tried the honesty route and realized that my truth means nothing to those that receive it. They prefer to be lied to, I think.
Such is life to teach us feelings. In order to feel an emotion, you need to expose yourself to the concept.... Love, fear, hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and all those feelings come from what life offers us. To some, sadness is far easier a pill to swallow... I should know... I am one of those people. While I would prefer to be the opposite, I just can't seem to get there. Probably it is because I never valued myself enough to think I am worthy. Yes, there are times that I have been happy... really happy, but they are few and far between. Most of my days are filled with just familiar calm. Especially when I am alone. No one to cater to, no one to strive to make happy, and no one to scrutinize me. I just cannot be everything to everyone. Nobody can, but I see myself as trying to achieve the impossible.... Basically giving away who I am for another's greater good without regard for myself. Yet again, returning to feeling not worthy.
What makes me so special to get more? What makes me special, period. I just do not see it. Maybe I have some invisible blinders on that obscure my views regarding myself, but in all honesty.... I really don't care all that much. I know that my efforts are fruitless. I gravitate towards selfish people. Heck, I think I married one. I just do not know anymore. As I said... I think I finally hit the "I do not care" stage of life. Scarred and broken seems to suit me just fine. I just need to hone on my acting and lying abilities. Slapping a smile on my face is the perfect facade to the pain that flows through me.
I have control!! I can shelter myself from the world, right? I can change... again. Can't I? Do I have enough strength to achieve yet another impossible goal? I seem to be drawn to the challenging things in life, wouldn't you think? I have put myself out for the world to see. I have splayed the truth of raw thought for you to see. Not all of it is released yet. There are some things that I will need to confront the journey and I need something that makes me less than transparent to the world... and really.... does anyone really want to know everything?
I am not sure that I can completely release everything I believe I need to vent. While I am capable of sharing insight and feelings over things... I just cannot leap over that hurdle that holds me back. Actually, I feel like a dog on a short leash. With a strong determination to let loose and run, but get yanked back as the leash stops further momentum.
I did notice that if I was asked a question, I would give a far funnier retort of an answer from my lips. My writing is still "raw", yet restrained. I seem to have the gift of "gab" when the need arises, but if given the opportunity.... I would just rather remain quiet and thoughtful. Deep thinkers, like myself, enjoy the opportunity to learn as opposed to act.
Some recent events taught me something that I knew was yet another thread in the intricate weaving of the individual tapestry that is.... me. I am a conundrum of controversial thought. I appear to lack the ability to let things roll off like water from a duck's back. I let every experience take it's hold... A critical thinker that happens to be their own worst critic. At times, I feel like I am completely unworthy of all that I happen to have... Never happy with my appearance; I could never be thin enough, pretty enough, smart enough, talented enough, or even interesting enough.... A wallflower, if you must. Emotional to the core, jealous at times, and even resentful/remorseful. The only part of this messed up mess that I see in the mirror being remotely likable is the fact that I am cordial, nice, and accommodating. I think of others before I think of myself, but still cannot avoid being "played" the fool. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am vulnerable, non-confrontational, and weak. I am not sure when was the last time I felt free to really let loose. Well, I have had moments of release happen and it obviously portrayed something completely different than what it truly was. Somehow, surrounding factors seem to make simpler deductions to my actions. Apparently, words do not hold the height of regard that they should. I could see why.... People are capable of lying and being quite convincing that their lies are the truth. There are far more people seeking out things that only benefit them without regard of the others they used to get them there. I have tried the honesty route and realized that my truth means nothing to those that receive it. They prefer to be lied to, I think.
Such is life to teach us feelings. In order to feel an emotion, you need to expose yourself to the concept.... Love, fear, hatred, insecurity, jealousy, and all those feelings come from what life offers us. To some, sadness is far easier a pill to swallow... I should know... I am one of those people. While I would prefer to be the opposite, I just can't seem to get there. Probably it is because I never valued myself enough to think I am worthy. Yes, there are times that I have been happy... really happy, but they are few and far between. Most of my days are filled with just familiar calm. Especially when I am alone. No one to cater to, no one to strive to make happy, and no one to scrutinize me. I just cannot be everything to everyone. Nobody can, but I see myself as trying to achieve the impossible.... Basically giving away who I am for another's greater good without regard for myself. Yet again, returning to feeling not worthy.
What makes me so special to get more? What makes me special, period. I just do not see it. Maybe I have some invisible blinders on that obscure my views regarding myself, but in all honesty.... I really don't care all that much. I know that my efforts are fruitless. I gravitate towards selfish people. Heck, I think I married one. I just do not know anymore. As I said... I think I finally hit the "I do not care" stage of life. Scarred and broken seems to suit me just fine. I just need to hone on my acting and lying abilities. Slapping a smile on my face is the perfect facade to the pain that flows through me.
I have control!! I can shelter myself from the world, right? I can change... again. Can't I? Do I have enough strength to achieve yet another impossible goal? I seem to be drawn to the challenging things in life, wouldn't you think? I have put myself out for the world to see. I have splayed the truth of raw thought for you to see. Not all of it is released yet. There are some things that I will need to confront the journey and I need something that makes me less than transparent to the world... and really.... does anyone really want to know everything?
Glutton for punishment...
As per the suggestion from my best friend... I re-read the trilogy known as, "the shades of Grey". Why, do you ask? Simply put.... The darn books had me thinking and I just could not seem to get past the idea that they had such a profound affect on me. I admit that the raunchy parts felt a little unsettling, to say the least, but the romantic undertones is what took a strong hold in my head. Out of the 3 books, I have to say that the second book is where I became hooked. By the third book, I felt that I needed yet another intervention. I realized I was impacted beyond comprehension.... Well, the very, very end is what took the strongest hold. As I know that this is going to be a "spoiler" of sorts, it was those few little chapters that showcased Christian Grey's perspective. Yes, all 3 books were written in the girl's point of view. While I still have issues at how a young woman never having sexual relations manages to become insatiable after her "first time" still baffles me. Well, that and how she knows that she comes apart at the seams every time. As I am fully aware that this is just a story, I did feel compelled to compare the story to my life. That managed to really depress me. I was never really "swept off my feet", so to speak, like she was. While I know that I have been infatuated quite a few times and even wooed, I just never had the "whole package", as the story portrays. I do agree that love does not have a price tag and her reluctance to embrace the lavish lifestyle bestowed upon her seems completely plausible, at least in my eyes. No, what really grabbed my attention and stuck in my head was his point of view shared at the very end of the book. It was what he was thinking that grabbed my psyche. After stating that, I know that my intentions to re-read these books was to further make myself immune to it's profound grasp.
The first time I read these books, I was in awe.... Well, shock and awe. I never gravitate towards stuff that gives off false hope. I already had the inkling that I should have stopped before even looking at the sample from my Kindle, but apparently I was being a glutton for punishment and downloaded the first book. Figuring I could easily skip the second book and get the closure from the third, but the way the story was told, I knew that I was going to miss some serious details to the story line and downloaded the second book. The second book grabbed my attention to where I read the third book in no time flat. Once I finished, I just could not get over how much the very last part impacted me. "Wow", was all I could think.
As I tried to get suggestions for something else to read that had zero romantic indications and failed miserably. It was by suggestion that I re-read the books, but keep a more level head over what was read. The shock and awe of reading what I felt uncomfortable to read at first became something that seduced me to get hooked. Now, with the second round complete (yes, I finished this morning), I realized that I had a different view... a more annoyed view. Probably because it appeared that there was far too much problem solving through sex. The insecurity of both characters actually became a little bothersome. While endearing that they were vulnerable, it really bothered me that they continued to frustrate the living daylights out of each other. It started to feel like it was more a game than anything else. Also, the drama that happened to unfurl around them was a little much. The crying, the mention of puzzled thoughts over reactions, and the instant gratification started to get really old, really fast, when I read these books the second time.... My friend was right.... Reading this the second time finally released me from its grasp. I feel like I can finally be freed from the romantic sense of false hope these books, in the most unconventional way, has offered me. Will I read another romance novel? I am not planning on it. Am I more sensitive to romantic undertones? Maybe a little. Do I secretly wish that my life offered a little more "spice" like these romance novels? Sure... who wouldn't.
On another note.... Saturday night's farewell gathering for my best friend (who obviously knew me well enough to get me to become immune to romance novels by re-reading them) went well. I had a moment, or two, that impacted me. One moment had me feel a little uncomfortable. The person running the karaoke show was a person I chose to forget about from a long story that I may tell about at another time managed to just floor me. Apparently, I was memorable because he remembered my name and for the life of me... I could not remember his. Odd, I know.... I never saw myself as memorable in any sense of the word. Especially someone I never really got to know in the first place. Well, apparently I do. There have been a few instances where people seem to remember who I am, but I never can seem to remember who they are. Maybe tomorrow I will share those stories. Some are quite funny in my mind.... Well, off to get some stuff done in the house. I am still behind in my usual chores....
Have a great day everyone!! Thanks for reading :)
The first time I read these books, I was in awe.... Well, shock and awe. I never gravitate towards stuff that gives off false hope. I already had the inkling that I should have stopped before even looking at the sample from my Kindle, but apparently I was being a glutton for punishment and downloaded the first book. Figuring I could easily skip the second book and get the closure from the third, but the way the story was told, I knew that I was going to miss some serious details to the story line and downloaded the second book. The second book grabbed my attention to where I read the third book in no time flat. Once I finished, I just could not get over how much the very last part impacted me. "Wow", was all I could think.
As I tried to get suggestions for something else to read that had zero romantic indications and failed miserably. It was by suggestion that I re-read the books, but keep a more level head over what was read. The shock and awe of reading what I felt uncomfortable to read at first became something that seduced me to get hooked. Now, with the second round complete (yes, I finished this morning), I realized that I had a different view... a more annoyed view. Probably because it appeared that there was far too much problem solving through sex. The insecurity of both characters actually became a little bothersome. While endearing that they were vulnerable, it really bothered me that they continued to frustrate the living daylights out of each other. It started to feel like it was more a game than anything else. Also, the drama that happened to unfurl around them was a little much. The crying, the mention of puzzled thoughts over reactions, and the instant gratification started to get really old, really fast, when I read these books the second time.... My friend was right.... Reading this the second time finally released me from its grasp. I feel like I can finally be freed from the romantic sense of false hope these books, in the most unconventional way, has offered me. Will I read another romance novel? I am not planning on it. Am I more sensitive to romantic undertones? Maybe a little. Do I secretly wish that my life offered a little more "spice" like these romance novels? Sure... who wouldn't.
On another note.... Saturday night's farewell gathering for my best friend (who obviously knew me well enough to get me to become immune to romance novels by re-reading them) went well. I had a moment, or two, that impacted me. One moment had me feel a little uncomfortable. The person running the karaoke show was a person I chose to forget about from a long story that I may tell about at another time managed to just floor me. Apparently, I was memorable because he remembered my name and for the life of me... I could not remember his. Odd, I know.... I never saw myself as memorable in any sense of the word. Especially someone I never really got to know in the first place. Well, apparently I do. There have been a few instances where people seem to remember who I am, but I never can seem to remember who they are. Maybe tomorrow I will share those stories. Some are quite funny in my mind.... Well, off to get some stuff done in the house. I am still behind in my usual chores....
Have a great day everyone!! Thanks for reading :)
Friday, May 18, 2012
Well, that was totally fruitless!!
Locked and loaded, I open my big mouth yet again. Sigh. My resolve is still there, determination to share feelings with DH since I finished my read-a-thon of whirlwind romance. As my head pounds with the echoes of one song... Try by Nelly Furtado, the acoustic tune repeating over and over again. Her haunting, yet sweet voice serenading in my brain. I think I just have to buy the CD or just buy the single for my iPod. Darn Christian Grey saga still rolling around in my head and I wonder where is my real life dark, dangerous, protective and jealous man that willingly takes on changes for love? The desire shining in his eyes just for me? I already know that I never married that type of man. I don't think I could have ever met that kind of man. I knew the moment that I started reading anything with romantic tendencies (no matter how intense they could be portrayed), I would get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, but here I am.... smitten with characters, entranced in words, and allowing myself to yearn for that fairy tale that obviously is never going to happen.
I married my best friend. I sought out and embraced humor over romance. I know why.... I had a long string of bad relationships that were not the right fit for me at the time. After each experience I had, I vowed to seek something different. I dated hopeless romantics when I wanted to feel free and alive, I dated control freaks that smothered me, I dated the jealous type that rarely offered the comfort that they trusted me, and after years of disagreeing with every prospect out there... I settled for what was a match to who I was at that particular moment in my life. I met my equal and agreed to take on a life long commitment. While I have no complaints that marrying your equal that is as comfortable as lounging around in your favorite sweatpants and t-shirt, there does come a time that the desire to change becomes evident. Nothing drastic, just.... more. The need for more depth in the relationship. Kind of like turning up the stereo to fill the silence or to turn on the light as the room starts casting shadows. In old terms... adding another log onto the fire. Not really needing to change the foundation, but to add something more to the surroundings.
What makes it so hard is communicating the needs when the other person is not open to suggestion. What they see is ideal, sometimes is not for the other. The comfort of having someone in your life seems to take over the desire to go anywhere different. While change is good, too much can be scarier than the scariest movie you have ever seen. All I have been seeking is what was there in the early stages. Looking back, I remember the earlier times with DH. While I already know that DH is not the romantic type, it was quite heartwarming to see him try. Watching him struggle with what to do next to keep my attention actually makes me giggle. The saddest part is that it has been far too long since he has tried and the memories are starting to fade. Fade so much that the mention of them is starting to sound more like a made up story. Yes, there is love between DH and I, there is a story that can be told, but there is such a large gap between the memories... no fluidity. I just really want to make things into the more I was hoping for. God knows I have been trying, but as I look back and really search for when his romantic attempts stopped, I realized that the day we got married... things changed. I do not blame him. I blame myself. I became a wife and took that role very seriously. My needs changed and my expectations increased way too soon. After our daughter was born, things changed even more for me. I was no longer a wife... I became a mother. All the while, I resented that DH remained unchanged. His relaxed attitude never faltered, his quest for me ended the day I said, "I do", and his romantic attempts were replaced with responsibility he really was not prepared for. He took on the provider role the only way he knows how. The only way he learned from his family dynamic and how his parents did things. His mother, the housewife and care provider for the family, and his father, the financial provider that worked to support his family. That is the life I took on, mirroring his upbringing.
As I looked upon his parents and how they do things, I noticed that DH does the same. Always keeping an arm's distance apart, the cool demeanor towards each other, the lack of public displays of affection, and the acceptance of it all. They kept everything behind closed doors from their kids. It was a stable environment, but possesses a very sterile appearance. I fear that this is the fate of my marriage. The simple co-habitation that has love under the surface and not seen by others. As I try to bring out the more in our relationship, the more there is resistance. Stupid me, I opened my mouth regarding my concerns to DH and what I got in reply was less than I ever thought. He looked at me and stood by his beliefs that he is not the romantic type... end of story.... shot down without even considering trying or even thinking about it. In stunned silence I can see in his face that I just put him way out of his comfort zone. I have taken into consideration that if I was to make the first move, it may change things. Well, long story short.... That was a complete and utter failure.
Now what... Keep trying like I have for the past 13 years (nearing 14), or just let it drop. I am so tired from trying... so tired. I love him, he loves me (or so he says), but I yearn for more. More reassurance from him that I am all that he will ever need or want in his life, more attention to me than the TV, more need to be around me than having those "few beers" after work every night or the mother-load he takes on every Friday night with his friends, more passion when I get a kiss... heck, even a compliment on my looks would be nice when I dress up.... something!! anything!! Just to have him share his feelings regarding me would be something I would appreciate. The usual feelings offered are the ones that certainly do not offer me a warm and fuzzy feeling, nor do they even include me in the mix. Stupid, stupid me for opening my mouth because I believe I saw him take a few steps backward than forward. I keep reminding myself to "let it go", but if I stop trying... I would never know of they could possibly change someday. Kind-of like the lottery.... "You never know if you can win if you don't try". Just a little saddened that I am starting to believe that things will not change.... I better start getting used to this.....
I married my best friend. I sought out and embraced humor over romance. I know why.... I had a long string of bad relationships that were not the right fit for me at the time. After each experience I had, I vowed to seek something different. I dated hopeless romantics when I wanted to feel free and alive, I dated control freaks that smothered me, I dated the jealous type that rarely offered the comfort that they trusted me, and after years of disagreeing with every prospect out there... I settled for what was a match to who I was at that particular moment in my life. I met my equal and agreed to take on a life long commitment. While I have no complaints that marrying your equal that is as comfortable as lounging around in your favorite sweatpants and t-shirt, there does come a time that the desire to change becomes evident. Nothing drastic, just.... more. The need for more depth in the relationship. Kind of like turning up the stereo to fill the silence or to turn on the light as the room starts casting shadows. In old terms... adding another log onto the fire. Not really needing to change the foundation, but to add something more to the surroundings.
What makes it so hard is communicating the needs when the other person is not open to suggestion. What they see is ideal, sometimes is not for the other. The comfort of having someone in your life seems to take over the desire to go anywhere different. While change is good, too much can be scarier than the scariest movie you have ever seen. All I have been seeking is what was there in the early stages. Looking back, I remember the earlier times with DH. While I already know that DH is not the romantic type, it was quite heartwarming to see him try. Watching him struggle with what to do next to keep my attention actually makes me giggle. The saddest part is that it has been far too long since he has tried and the memories are starting to fade. Fade so much that the mention of them is starting to sound more like a made up story. Yes, there is love between DH and I, there is a story that can be told, but there is such a large gap between the memories... no fluidity. I just really want to make things into the more I was hoping for. God knows I have been trying, but as I look back and really search for when his romantic attempts stopped, I realized that the day we got married... things changed. I do not blame him. I blame myself. I became a wife and took that role very seriously. My needs changed and my expectations increased way too soon. After our daughter was born, things changed even more for me. I was no longer a wife... I became a mother. All the while, I resented that DH remained unchanged. His relaxed attitude never faltered, his quest for me ended the day I said, "I do", and his romantic attempts were replaced with responsibility he really was not prepared for. He took on the provider role the only way he knows how. The only way he learned from his family dynamic and how his parents did things. His mother, the housewife and care provider for the family, and his father, the financial provider that worked to support his family. That is the life I took on, mirroring his upbringing.
As I looked upon his parents and how they do things, I noticed that DH does the same. Always keeping an arm's distance apart, the cool demeanor towards each other, the lack of public displays of affection, and the acceptance of it all. They kept everything behind closed doors from their kids. It was a stable environment, but possesses a very sterile appearance. I fear that this is the fate of my marriage. The simple co-habitation that has love under the surface and not seen by others. As I try to bring out the more in our relationship, the more there is resistance. Stupid me, I opened my mouth regarding my concerns to DH and what I got in reply was less than I ever thought. He looked at me and stood by his beliefs that he is not the romantic type... end of story.... shot down without even considering trying or even thinking about it. In stunned silence I can see in his face that I just put him way out of his comfort zone. I have taken into consideration that if I was to make the first move, it may change things. Well, long story short.... That was a complete and utter failure.
Now what... Keep trying like I have for the past 13 years (nearing 14), or just let it drop. I am so tired from trying... so tired. I love him, he loves me (or so he says), but I yearn for more. More reassurance from him that I am all that he will ever need or want in his life, more attention to me than the TV, more need to be around me than having those "few beers" after work every night or the mother-load he takes on every Friday night with his friends, more passion when I get a kiss... heck, even a compliment on my looks would be nice when I dress up.... something!! anything!! Just to have him share his feelings regarding me would be something I would appreciate. The usual feelings offered are the ones that certainly do not offer me a warm and fuzzy feeling, nor do they even include me in the mix. Stupid, stupid me for opening my mouth because I believe I saw him take a few steps backward than forward. I keep reminding myself to "let it go", but if I stop trying... I would never know of they could possibly change someday. Kind-of like the lottery.... "You never know if you can win if you don't try". Just a little saddened that I am starting to believe that things will not change.... I better start getting used to this.....
Thursday, May 17, 2012
One word....
Trying to figure the one word that describes how I feel today. Hmmm...Pathetic? Stuck? Hooked? Sick? Sad? Confused? Awestruck? Empty? Angry? Jealous? Hopeful? The choices are endless. While the thought has crossed my mind that I need to read something different to get my head out of the clouds, to stop daydreaming, to stop looking back and comparing things, and to get that darn Christian Grey out of my head. The very, very ending of the final book of the trilogy about Mr. Grey, his conquest for the girl that changes his life as he knew it, managed to deeply turn on something that has been sitting in the dim of my mind. I have all along seen this, but never really sought out full disclosure.
Okay, you are probably wondering what in the heck I am talking about.... Here goes....
As I looked back upon the past relationships of my life, I always wondered what he thought. You know... what affected the men that sought me out, asked me on a date, and if they desired to try to change who they were to remain in my life. As in the series of books most recently read, I always wondered if I was worth the effort. That at the beginning, they altered who they were to get near me (or as I believe is so). It is a known fact that people tend to be slightly different at the beginning of any relationship.... Nicer, courteous, willing to see things in another's eyes, and even try to understand one another's needs. Think about it... the flowers being delivered "just because", the "I miss you" little notes, the grandest of gestures offered without being asked... Even the desire to change their schedule just because they would rather be with you. That bubble of security we get when you see the look in their eyes every time your eyes meet. Those little things that mean so much.
Usually, as time goes on, a secure feeling comes along. No longer are those butterflies that make your stomach feel funny every time you are near... No more tingly feeling when you hear their name.... No more stupid smile to cross your face when something wonderful that happened crosses your mind. We tend to get comfortable and resort back to not thinking so much if the other person's feelings are being fulfilled because you know that they are now a part of you. The conquest to have this person in your life is over. You have them... hook, line and sinker. No longer are you required to put in extra effort to get that person's attention.... You know, the moment that what you worked for is finally able to be claimed as yours.
Here is where my one word comes to mind.... As I have tried feverishly to seek out something else to read because after the experience of a "romance" novel, I get this overwhelming urge to turn my thoughts inward and think about where my life's path has been going. Knowing the obvious that my life lacks that body-tingling, thought-consuming, desired-feeling I had when I was in the throws of being someone's quest. As I looked across the room at DH last night, I wondered what he thought of me. Then I wondered what got him to seek me out of the crowd... what made me so special. Obviously, I could not get much of an answer from him because he fell unconscious in the recliner with the TV on. He obviously has not really been forthcoming of information that supports my curious tendencies. When I do ask (yes, I randomly get the courage to ask him about his feelings), I seem to get nothing more than a snippy remark laden with disinterest. After reading this quasi-fantasy filled with battling emotions and over-thought feelings from one character, the premise seems to blare out that there is a story to be told that has two sides. When that opportunity comes along, the raw emotion offered can send tingles down anyone's spine. It is that reassurance that I seem to seek that what I feel can be conveyed into understanding the shut-off mind of my husband of almost 14 years. As time marched forward from the time we first met, things changed rather quickly. The flowers sent as a "just because" stopped, the personal compliments offered no longer happen, I am not told that I am beautiful anymore. The "I love you" comments I get seem mechanical. The feeling that I am the center of his world is gone. The beginning of our relationship was like a romance novel, albeit more of a comedy, but quickly turned into the sitcom of "married with children", where the husband always has something snippy to say to his wife. The complaints of "ball and chain" seem to come to mind. That look of love or interest in me has been replaced with endless napping on the couch or the desire to not be interrupted while he is watching his favorite TV show (even if he has seen the same episode a half a dozen times). Dating is out of the question. I have not been asked out on a date in years. Going out to eat has been replaced with eating at home in front of the TV. Our conversations are generic and seem to only focus on general topics (like what happened at work or what the weather is going to be). Yet, here I am seeking something that can tell me that my life has potential to mirror in some way of that darn book. Not the kinky stuff, but the deep connection that was portrayed. DH does not have a jealous bone in his body... He is way laid-back.
Now, as I search for a feeling that I have that describes my feelings in one word, I think it is "unfulfilled". While I desire to get my head out of the myriad of feelings that a romance novel, of all things, has given me... I just cannot find anything that sparks my interest to read and move forward. I am too full of raw emotion about love. Maybe jealousy or bitterness that in my reality the raging fire of romance has been diminished into a minuscule flicker from a just-about expired candle. As I know that DH's focus in financially driven, he seems to have forgotten that instilling a sense of love and desire to his wife really does not cost a thing. Just a little effort. Heck, the characters in the book show that. Maybe that is why DH never reads romance novels... or any man that I happen to know. I guess that passing on the "hopeless romantic" type to marry someone that can make me laugh was a hasty decision I need to live with. Hoping for DH to realize that girls (even tomboys like me) have a soft spot for romance is a waste of time and energy. Embracing the cold, hard truth puts a sick feeling in my stomach, but I know that I am strong enough to accept this fate. Time and a different book should push these feelings back into the dim.... Just what to read next is my current hurdle.
Thanks for yet another "flossing moment"... Thanks for reading.... and have a great day.
Okay, you are probably wondering what in the heck I am talking about.... Here goes....
As I looked back upon the past relationships of my life, I always wondered what he thought. You know... what affected the men that sought me out, asked me on a date, and if they desired to try to change who they were to remain in my life. As in the series of books most recently read, I always wondered if I was worth the effort. That at the beginning, they altered who they were to get near me (or as I believe is so). It is a known fact that people tend to be slightly different at the beginning of any relationship.... Nicer, courteous, willing to see things in another's eyes, and even try to understand one another's needs. Think about it... the flowers being delivered "just because", the "I miss you" little notes, the grandest of gestures offered without being asked... Even the desire to change their schedule just because they would rather be with you. That bubble of security we get when you see the look in their eyes every time your eyes meet. Those little things that mean so much.
Usually, as time goes on, a secure feeling comes along. No longer are those butterflies that make your stomach feel funny every time you are near... No more tingly feeling when you hear their name.... No more stupid smile to cross your face when something wonderful that happened crosses your mind. We tend to get comfortable and resort back to not thinking so much if the other person's feelings are being fulfilled because you know that they are now a part of you. The conquest to have this person in your life is over. You have them... hook, line and sinker. No longer are you required to put in extra effort to get that person's attention.... You know, the moment that what you worked for is finally able to be claimed as yours.
Here is where my one word comes to mind.... As I have tried feverishly to seek out something else to read because after the experience of a "romance" novel, I get this overwhelming urge to turn my thoughts inward and think about where my life's path has been going. Knowing the obvious that my life lacks that body-tingling, thought-consuming, desired-feeling I had when I was in the throws of being someone's quest. As I looked across the room at DH last night, I wondered what he thought of me. Then I wondered what got him to seek me out of the crowd... what made me so special. Obviously, I could not get much of an answer from him because he fell unconscious in the recliner with the TV on. He obviously has not really been forthcoming of information that supports my curious tendencies. When I do ask (yes, I randomly get the courage to ask him about his feelings), I seem to get nothing more than a snippy remark laden with disinterest. After reading this quasi-fantasy filled with battling emotions and over-thought feelings from one character, the premise seems to blare out that there is a story to be told that has two sides. When that opportunity comes along, the raw emotion offered can send tingles down anyone's spine. It is that reassurance that I seem to seek that what I feel can be conveyed into understanding the shut-off mind of my husband of almost 14 years. As time marched forward from the time we first met, things changed rather quickly. The flowers sent as a "just because" stopped, the personal compliments offered no longer happen, I am not told that I am beautiful anymore. The "I love you" comments I get seem mechanical. The feeling that I am the center of his world is gone. The beginning of our relationship was like a romance novel, albeit more of a comedy, but quickly turned into the sitcom of "married with children", where the husband always has something snippy to say to his wife. The complaints of "ball and chain" seem to come to mind. That look of love or interest in me has been replaced with endless napping on the couch or the desire to not be interrupted while he is watching his favorite TV show (even if he has seen the same episode a half a dozen times). Dating is out of the question. I have not been asked out on a date in years. Going out to eat has been replaced with eating at home in front of the TV. Our conversations are generic and seem to only focus on general topics (like what happened at work or what the weather is going to be). Yet, here I am seeking something that can tell me that my life has potential to mirror in some way of that darn book. Not the kinky stuff, but the deep connection that was portrayed. DH does not have a jealous bone in his body... He is way laid-back.
Now, as I search for a feeling that I have that describes my feelings in one word, I think it is "unfulfilled". While I desire to get my head out of the myriad of feelings that a romance novel, of all things, has given me... I just cannot find anything that sparks my interest to read and move forward. I am too full of raw emotion about love. Maybe jealousy or bitterness that in my reality the raging fire of romance has been diminished into a minuscule flicker from a just-about expired candle. As I know that DH's focus in financially driven, he seems to have forgotten that instilling a sense of love and desire to his wife really does not cost a thing. Just a little effort. Heck, the characters in the book show that. Maybe that is why DH never reads romance novels... or any man that I happen to know. I guess that passing on the "hopeless romantic" type to marry someone that can make me laugh was a hasty decision I need to live with. Hoping for DH to realize that girls (even tomboys like me) have a soft spot for romance is a waste of time and energy. Embracing the cold, hard truth puts a sick feeling in my stomach, but I know that I am strong enough to accept this fate. Time and a different book should push these feelings back into the dim.... Just what to read next is my current hurdle.
Thanks for yet another "flossing moment"... Thanks for reading.... and have a great day.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Probably a bad idea.....
Good morning!! As I wake all refreshed from a reading marathon, life shall return to normal... Back to the mundane life of the suburban housewife and mother.... Laundry and housework are on the menu for the day. My Kindle had a workout and needs a rest. Me, on the other hand, needs to ramp up doing all those things I should have been doing over the past 4 days or so.
I will admit something here and now.... Rarely do I ever get that wrapped into a trilogy of books, and especially in the genre of romance novels. I usually gravitate towards suspense thrillers, mysteries, or sci-fi novels. I do recall going through a Harry Potter phase and read all 7 books in succession over the course of a month or so, but never cranking out a book in a day or two. What baffles me is how wrapped up I got in the Shades of Grey books. While these books tend to be a bit too graphic for my comfort zone (especially in the first book), I did succumb to being less "schoolgirl giddy" and uncomfortable reading as time went on. There was a story there... a perspective offered... curiosity was peaked. While I felt that there was way too many emotional flips and way more intimacy being the solution, I knew that in reality (or at least in mine), this would never happen on my dizziest of days. While the character, Christian Grey, was intriguing... Ana Steele seemed a little too rambunctious and enjoyed something a little too much (if you catch my drift). Sorry folks, but in the eyes of a regular girl like myself, I just could not fathom her first time being that intense, nor enjoyable. No matter how skilled the guy is or how in love you may be. First times are awkward and uncomfortable. Also, her determination to keep ticking off the man she claims to love, while having a clue of his control freakish ways is not going to be smoothed over with humor... No matter how infatuated the guy may be. As every relationship has its ups and downs, this one was quite a whirlwind that baffles me. Heck, it took 4 months before DH even considered proposing to me (not 3 weeks). While my track record of getting engaged (yes, I have been engaged a few times before "taking the plunge"), it usually took 8 months to a year of dating someone. I know, I know.... this is a book... a fantasy and not reality.
While reading does take you places that spark the imagination, there seems to be a pattern of what we choose to read and how attached we become to the genre. As I said before.... I gravitate towards fiction. Something that sparks thought, thrill, suspense... Never something that revolves around love, infatuation, desire, and sex. As I shared the story line of these books to my mom (yes, I know I offered the spoiler to her since I know that these books would cloud the premise of something more than raunchy sex to her and if she was to even try to read one, she would set the thing on fire, call upon a priest and demand that I go to confession for reading something so "filthy"...LOL). As I explained away the sex-driven material and focused on the story woven within, I asked my mom why I was drawn to this type of writing, that I was determined to finish the trilogy and move forward. Her answer was simple, and to the point.... It is because what we choose to read lacks in our own reality.
As I pondered the answer, I realized that she is right. I read to escape. What I read offers imagination, intrigue, and feelings that I seem to be missing. While I have no qualms about married life... it is not all that I hoped it would be. The thrill, the excitement, the mystery, the suspense... and the love or the feeling of desire diminishes. Now, I know that I am loved (if I was not, I would be handed divorce papers), but the intensity that these romance novels possess is something that every person seeks. Well, not as intense, but we do seek to feel fulfilled, to be desired, to be looked upon with emotion. I just never placed that high of regard to those feelings when I was younger or I never really thought all that much about it. Now, as I get older... I look at my life and my inner needs and frown at what I believed grew with time (love, passion, desire), really does not. It levels off and stops growing. Life takes its hold and there is so much more than feelings. As harsh as it may sound.... people start to change. Their needs change. Their drive is focused somewhere else, and not always in the same direction. I should know... Reading about passion and realizing that there is a higher need for that stuff I call "sappy" in my life sure hurts when the reality of it is that the person I share my life with does not see the same things. His focus is on other things. There is no hero, there is no damsel in distress, and there is very little passion. The heart becomes shielded/guarded, and there is restraint. Communication gets strained. Conformity takes its hold. Acceptance is all that there is left. Accepting that this is the best it will ever be, even though there is a need for more... a want for more.
Damn book! Got me thinking and got me wanting more when I know that my knight in shining armor has spent all his energy on something else and chooses to not see what I see. I think my next choice of reading material should be in the genre of humor. Feeling a bit melancholy today. Oh well, back to work and all the piles of stuff I need to do....
Thanks for letting me "floss" today, thanks for reading and have a great day. Time to pay the piper for my inability to multitask and keep the housework under control while I went into a reading frenzy.....
I will admit something here and now.... Rarely do I ever get that wrapped into a trilogy of books, and especially in the genre of romance novels. I usually gravitate towards suspense thrillers, mysteries, or sci-fi novels. I do recall going through a Harry Potter phase and read all 7 books in succession over the course of a month or so, but never cranking out a book in a day or two. What baffles me is how wrapped up I got in the Shades of Grey books. While these books tend to be a bit too graphic for my comfort zone (especially in the first book), I did succumb to being less "schoolgirl giddy" and uncomfortable reading as time went on. There was a story there... a perspective offered... curiosity was peaked. While I felt that there was way too many emotional flips and way more intimacy being the solution, I knew that in reality (or at least in mine), this would never happen on my dizziest of days. While the character, Christian Grey, was intriguing... Ana Steele seemed a little too rambunctious and enjoyed something a little too much (if you catch my drift). Sorry folks, but in the eyes of a regular girl like myself, I just could not fathom her first time being that intense, nor enjoyable. No matter how skilled the guy is or how in love you may be. First times are awkward and uncomfortable. Also, her determination to keep ticking off the man she claims to love, while having a clue of his control freakish ways is not going to be smoothed over with humor... No matter how infatuated the guy may be. As every relationship has its ups and downs, this one was quite a whirlwind that baffles me. Heck, it took 4 months before DH even considered proposing to me (not 3 weeks). While my track record of getting engaged (yes, I have been engaged a few times before "taking the plunge"), it usually took 8 months to a year of dating someone. I know, I know.... this is a book... a fantasy and not reality.
While reading does take you places that spark the imagination, there seems to be a pattern of what we choose to read and how attached we become to the genre. As I said before.... I gravitate towards fiction. Something that sparks thought, thrill, suspense... Never something that revolves around love, infatuation, desire, and sex. As I shared the story line of these books to my mom (yes, I know I offered the spoiler to her since I know that these books would cloud the premise of something more than raunchy sex to her and if she was to even try to read one, she would set the thing on fire, call upon a priest and demand that I go to confession for reading something so "filthy"...LOL). As I explained away the sex-driven material and focused on the story woven within, I asked my mom why I was drawn to this type of writing, that I was determined to finish the trilogy and move forward. Her answer was simple, and to the point.... It is because what we choose to read lacks in our own reality.
As I pondered the answer, I realized that she is right. I read to escape. What I read offers imagination, intrigue, and feelings that I seem to be missing. While I have no qualms about married life... it is not all that I hoped it would be. The thrill, the excitement, the mystery, the suspense... and the love or the feeling of desire diminishes. Now, I know that I am loved (if I was not, I would be handed divorce papers), but the intensity that these romance novels possess is something that every person seeks. Well, not as intense, but we do seek to feel fulfilled, to be desired, to be looked upon with emotion. I just never placed that high of regard to those feelings when I was younger or I never really thought all that much about it. Now, as I get older... I look at my life and my inner needs and frown at what I believed grew with time (love, passion, desire), really does not. It levels off and stops growing. Life takes its hold and there is so much more than feelings. As harsh as it may sound.... people start to change. Their needs change. Their drive is focused somewhere else, and not always in the same direction. I should know... Reading about passion and realizing that there is a higher need for that stuff I call "sappy" in my life sure hurts when the reality of it is that the person I share my life with does not see the same things. His focus is on other things. There is no hero, there is no damsel in distress, and there is very little passion. The heart becomes shielded/guarded, and there is restraint. Communication gets strained. Conformity takes its hold. Acceptance is all that there is left. Accepting that this is the best it will ever be, even though there is a need for more... a want for more.
Damn book! Got me thinking and got me wanting more when I know that my knight in shining armor has spent all his energy on something else and chooses to not see what I see. I think my next choice of reading material should be in the genre of humor. Feeling a bit melancholy today. Oh well, back to work and all the piles of stuff I need to do....
Thanks for letting me "floss" today, thanks for reading and have a great day. Time to pay the piper for my inability to multitask and keep the housework under control while I went into a reading frenzy.....
Monday, May 14, 2012
The Einstein theory....
Everyone figures things on the surface is what it is.... Just a few kind words can change all of that.
After Saturday's event at the salon, I noticed that my boss' car had a flat. With no able man to help, I called DH with determination to either get his help or change her tire myself. At first, he was reluctant, but came to his senses quite quickly and came over to help. Funny thing.... Well, not so funny. After DH appeared as my knight in shining armor, he wakes up Sunday to a flat tire on his truck. Definitely made him comment that his unselfish act had a price. Luckily, today is another nice day and he took his VW to work (full tires and all). Just another thing on his list to fix when he can. Yep, his "honey-do list" is getting longer and longer.
Yesterday, being Mother's Day, felt like any other ordinary day to me. Waking up after a long night of reading produced a small headache. While I become aware that eventually I will have to really make that eye doctor appointment and bite the bullet that I will need glasses for reading (the headache is a definite sign that I have to go really soon... well, that and the fact that I seem to require to hold my Kindle a little farther so the words don't get all fuzzy), I seem to be doing just fine. After making breakfast for the family (DH did the dishes), I grabbed my Kindle and continued reading book #2 of the shades of Grey series. As I giggle at the notion that this book, as edgy as it appears to me, is a romance novel and I usually never gravitate towards romantic stuff. Books like those give false hope in my eyes and sure as heck does not make my reality any more appealing. Apparently, being hooked into these books makes me less than ambitious to get anything done in what is lovingly called, "my world". I lack multitasking skills when I an drawn into a good read. Struggling to get the grocery list done, I turn off my Kindle to get the family rounded up for our Sunday ritual of togetherness while grocery shopping. With my head clogged up with what is going to happen next in my book, I appreciate that I have DD and DH to keep my head in check while we are in the grocery store.
After returning home and putting away the groceries (which seems to always be my job), I grab my Kindle again to enjoy a little reading before heading off to work again. I agreed to do the touch up for a coworker and Sunday was the only day we both had available. With the shop being closed for Mother's Day, and all, I borrowed the key from another coworker so this task can be done. Feeling uncomfortable having the salon key, I decided to wait in the parking lot for my coworker to arrive. Kindle in hand.... I read a little more. DARN! Perfect day of reading and it is interrupted by my generous nature. Oh well. My coworker arrives and we head inside together and get started.
The salon is quiet. Almost unnerving to me. I am used to the hustle and bustle of a busy salon. My coworker and I start talking. Just usual stuff. I get an update of my other coworker and her battle with cancer. She opted for the surgery. A lot was removed from her and there was a lot of rerouting stuff. She lost not only her gall bladder, she lost part of her stomach, her colon, and her liver, but according to the surgeons.... she is cancer free and will need a very long time to recover. Baffles the mind what was done, but I am glad that she is on the mend. Our event this past weekend raised roughly $800 towards her bills. It is not much, but it is more than nothing. Our conversation moved forward to how things have been. The dynamic of the salon has changed over the past year. People are coming and going, but there is still a fair number that has weathered the storm. While my boss frantically tries to change things for the better, she just can't make everyone happy. This is where the unexpected compliment comes in.... I was told by my coworker that people have been commenting that how the mood and the atmosphere lightens when I come in. I never realized that I can make a difference like that. Something as simple as a smile can create a chain reaction of ease among a group of people that feel stressed. Little do they know.... It takes a lot of effort on my part to separate home life from work. I strive to control every aspect of my life for the greater good of society. My random flossing keeps my head on straight, my constant thinking things over (over analyzing, if you must call it) is my way to see the awe that life has to offer. Good or bad, there is reaction to every action taken. Einstein had it right.... While there are forces that can pull an object towards something, there is opportunity to change the course and create a different result. We have the power to make a difference even when we feel we are not.
Right now, reading has been my undeniable force that has not exactly been challenged. While I can easily set aside a little time to read and still get all my usual stuff done, I feel the pull to read and let everything around me wait. Reading is an escape, but life continues to happen if you participate or not. It is just a matter of balance when we can achieve all that we set our minds to. So... with that said.... I have stuff to do and I am not sure how long it will wait for me. While being so close to the end of book #2 of the shades of Grey series... I think I will do some things that do not require my full attention and fit in some more reading. Chances are.... I will end up starting book #3 today and wear out the battery on my Kindle sometime around midnight again. Then I have to put that thing away for a while. I doubt that e-readers last forever ;)
Thanks for reading and have a great day everyone!!
After Saturday's event at the salon, I noticed that my boss' car had a flat. With no able man to help, I called DH with determination to either get his help or change her tire myself. At first, he was reluctant, but came to his senses quite quickly and came over to help. Funny thing.... Well, not so funny. After DH appeared as my knight in shining armor, he wakes up Sunday to a flat tire on his truck. Definitely made him comment that his unselfish act had a price. Luckily, today is another nice day and he took his VW to work (full tires and all). Just another thing on his list to fix when he can. Yep, his "honey-do list" is getting longer and longer.
Yesterday, being Mother's Day, felt like any other ordinary day to me. Waking up after a long night of reading produced a small headache. While I become aware that eventually I will have to really make that eye doctor appointment and bite the bullet that I will need glasses for reading (the headache is a definite sign that I have to go really soon... well, that and the fact that I seem to require to hold my Kindle a little farther so the words don't get all fuzzy), I seem to be doing just fine. After making breakfast for the family (DH did the dishes), I grabbed my Kindle and continued reading book #2 of the shades of Grey series. As I giggle at the notion that this book, as edgy as it appears to me, is a romance novel and I usually never gravitate towards romantic stuff. Books like those give false hope in my eyes and sure as heck does not make my reality any more appealing. Apparently, being hooked into these books makes me less than ambitious to get anything done in what is lovingly called, "my world". I lack multitasking skills when I an drawn into a good read. Struggling to get the grocery list done, I turn off my Kindle to get the family rounded up for our Sunday ritual of togetherness while grocery shopping. With my head clogged up with what is going to happen next in my book, I appreciate that I have DD and DH to keep my head in check while we are in the grocery store.
After returning home and putting away the groceries (which seems to always be my job), I grab my Kindle again to enjoy a little reading before heading off to work again. I agreed to do the touch up for a coworker and Sunday was the only day we both had available. With the shop being closed for Mother's Day, and all, I borrowed the key from another coworker so this task can be done. Feeling uncomfortable having the salon key, I decided to wait in the parking lot for my coworker to arrive. Kindle in hand.... I read a little more. DARN! Perfect day of reading and it is interrupted by my generous nature. Oh well. My coworker arrives and we head inside together and get started.
The salon is quiet. Almost unnerving to me. I am used to the hustle and bustle of a busy salon. My coworker and I start talking. Just usual stuff. I get an update of my other coworker and her battle with cancer. She opted for the surgery. A lot was removed from her and there was a lot of rerouting stuff. She lost not only her gall bladder, she lost part of her stomach, her colon, and her liver, but according to the surgeons.... she is cancer free and will need a very long time to recover. Baffles the mind what was done, but I am glad that she is on the mend. Our event this past weekend raised roughly $800 towards her bills. It is not much, but it is more than nothing. Our conversation moved forward to how things have been. The dynamic of the salon has changed over the past year. People are coming and going, but there is still a fair number that has weathered the storm. While my boss frantically tries to change things for the better, she just can't make everyone happy. This is where the unexpected compliment comes in.... I was told by my coworker that people have been commenting that how the mood and the atmosphere lightens when I come in. I never realized that I can make a difference like that. Something as simple as a smile can create a chain reaction of ease among a group of people that feel stressed. Little do they know.... It takes a lot of effort on my part to separate home life from work. I strive to control every aspect of my life for the greater good of society. My random flossing keeps my head on straight, my constant thinking things over (over analyzing, if you must call it) is my way to see the awe that life has to offer. Good or bad, there is reaction to every action taken. Einstein had it right.... While there are forces that can pull an object towards something, there is opportunity to change the course and create a different result. We have the power to make a difference even when we feel we are not.
Right now, reading has been my undeniable force that has not exactly been challenged. While I can easily set aside a little time to read and still get all my usual stuff done, I feel the pull to read and let everything around me wait. Reading is an escape, but life continues to happen if you participate or not. It is just a matter of balance when we can achieve all that we set our minds to. So... with that said.... I have stuff to do and I am not sure how long it will wait for me. While being so close to the end of book #2 of the shades of Grey series... I think I will do some things that do not require my full attention and fit in some more reading. Chances are.... I will end up starting book #3 today and wear out the battery on my Kindle sometime around midnight again. Then I have to put that thing away for a while. I doubt that e-readers last forever ;)
Thanks for reading and have a great day everyone!!
Friday, May 11, 2012
Fifty shades of......
Good morning everyone!! As I giggle like a schoolgirl over my title choice, I have no doubt that the title got some attention. Yes, I am reading Fifty Shades of Grey, but I know that what comes after this declaration is going to disappoint you (or not).
Did you know...
We all have our own fifty shades of something?
It is about perceptions from experiences. According to my Kindle Fire (which has the book Fifty shades of Grey in it), I am 61% done with the wildly raved book that brings a multitude of feelings. I try to fit in a chapter or two a night before bed. As any book club asks... I try to get a perception of what the book is about that is beyond the obvious... You know, a different perception that I can apply to life (aka life lesson). Believe me... it is not all that hard to try to twist the concept of the book, change the character, Ana, to yourself, and figure if you were strong enough to take on NDA's (non-disclosure agreements) and learn that the person that you feel a strong attraction to is completely non-conventional, mysterious, confusing, and potentially dangerous. Would strong attraction be enough to enter a world where there is no guarantees to being loved the way you imagined love would be, nor have an inkling that the other person truly loves you (or even knows what love is). That balance between what you believe is right and the desire to do anything to grasp onto something that is possibly never yours to begin with. Is your pride worth less than unconditional love and commitment when money is involved? Can you be sold? Then, do you believe that you can be the one to change the twisted ways of someone you love into something you dreamed of or even believed could be possible? Then, if the chance is taken... would you be able to return to your ideals, morals, and beliefs in what you see a committed relationship should be? Or do you take on the same premonition that your quest for love from that person and become one of the same? Balancing on that line of fantasy and reality.... which is more important? Struggling between free will and control is something we all face in our lives, but in this book.... is it this extreme? Doubtful, but does make you think, right?
While the premise of the book is extreme and obviously to one point. There is a softer side to seeing where our own personal fifty shades of something about you is. We are more diverse than these characters. There is more to who we are than what is seen on the surface. What makes it different is that we have ownership to it. It is our thing. All it takes is for someone to desire knowing you to bring it out into the open. Yet, our fifty shades of something had to come from somewhere. That is where experience comes in. Every opportunity offers options. The strongest options are "yes" and "no". An adventurer opts for "yes" more than "no". The adventurer in us is at its strongest in our youth. Being the sponge for knowledge always happens in our youth. We strive to know as much as we can... as often as we can. Usually it takes only once to know if it is worth doing again. In fact, that is where we form our opinions for things. Everyone is different and so goes the opinion, but that opinion is the reason behind the two options to every experience. Is its value worth agreeing or disagreeing to doing it again. That sets our boundaries to what we strive to have in our lives, thus creating our personal fifty shades of something.
Pretty interesting, don't you think?
Well, I have a lot to do today. Mental flossing is done for the day.... Thanks for reading :)
Did you know...
We all have our own fifty shades of something?
It is about perceptions from experiences. According to my Kindle Fire (which has the book Fifty shades of Grey in it), I am 61% done with the wildly raved book that brings a multitude of feelings. I try to fit in a chapter or two a night before bed. As any book club asks... I try to get a perception of what the book is about that is beyond the obvious... You know, a different perception that I can apply to life (aka life lesson). Believe me... it is not all that hard to try to twist the concept of the book, change the character, Ana, to yourself, and figure if you were strong enough to take on NDA's (non-disclosure agreements) and learn that the person that you feel a strong attraction to is completely non-conventional, mysterious, confusing, and potentially dangerous. Would strong attraction be enough to enter a world where there is no guarantees to being loved the way you imagined love would be, nor have an inkling that the other person truly loves you (or even knows what love is). That balance between what you believe is right and the desire to do anything to grasp onto something that is possibly never yours to begin with. Is your pride worth less than unconditional love and commitment when money is involved? Can you be sold? Then, do you believe that you can be the one to change the twisted ways of someone you love into something you dreamed of or even believed could be possible? Then, if the chance is taken... would you be able to return to your ideals, morals, and beliefs in what you see a committed relationship should be? Or do you take on the same premonition that your quest for love from that person and become one of the same? Balancing on that line of fantasy and reality.... which is more important? Struggling between free will and control is something we all face in our lives, but in this book.... is it this extreme? Doubtful, but does make you think, right?
While the premise of the book is extreme and obviously to one point. There is a softer side to seeing where our own personal fifty shades of something about you is. We are more diverse than these characters. There is more to who we are than what is seen on the surface. What makes it different is that we have ownership to it. It is our thing. All it takes is for someone to desire knowing you to bring it out into the open. Yet, our fifty shades of something had to come from somewhere. That is where experience comes in. Every opportunity offers options. The strongest options are "yes" and "no". An adventurer opts for "yes" more than "no". The adventurer in us is at its strongest in our youth. Being the sponge for knowledge always happens in our youth. We strive to know as much as we can... as often as we can. Usually it takes only once to know if it is worth doing again. In fact, that is where we form our opinions for things. Everyone is different and so goes the opinion, but that opinion is the reason behind the two options to every experience. Is its value worth agreeing or disagreeing to doing it again. That sets our boundaries to what we strive to have in our lives, thus creating our personal fifty shades of something.
Pretty interesting, don't you think?
Well, I have a lot to do today. Mental flossing is done for the day.... Thanks for reading :)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Consideration comes at a cost.....
As the saying goes.... nice people finish last. Yep, that characteristic of mine to be considerate of others feelings is costing me.... BIG and I am feeling it. Just downed a couple of Tylenol for my back and planning on calling the Chiropractor later this morning.... All because I am a considerate person.
Battling the worst case of allergies to date results in discomfort that offers no preferred options that I would like. I can either have my eyes and face hurt from swollen sinuses to avoid coughing or take a decongestant to alleviate the pain, but cough from post nasal drip. Either way is not all that desirable. I want freedom from all of this, but as in life, things like this take time. As I chose the latter of the two options, I opted to sleep on the couch because I have strong convictions that disrupting DH's sleep can be more dangerous for him than me. All it takes is for one (or many) nights of poor sleep and mistakes (deadly ones) will happen due to poor judgement or lack of attention to detail. Cars are unforgiving items and do not stop before something bad happens. Proof was "in the pudding" years ago when an employee was not paying attention while working on a car. He had lost the tip (from the first knuckle up) of two fingers on his prominent hand. Since then, he now no longer works on cars, but has been a valuable asset to DH's garage as a service writer.
As I always think of DH and DD first, I tend to let myself pay for my considerate actions. Sleeping on the couch is not good for my back. With the hospital ID still sitting on the end table in the living room as a reminder from the 8 hour battle to get a back spasm from H-E-L-L under control, you would think I'd learn, but alas I haven't. I just could not fathom the chain reaction of poor judgement going farther than me.
How is it possible that I can be so considerate to a fault that the ones around me would allow it to happen? Is it possible that I am weak compared to my family when it comes to needs? Have I actually allowed myself to enable my family so much that consideration for me is no longer thought of? That every sacrifice I made has become more of an expectation than a nice gesture? Have I forgotten that I matter because of it? If so, then why can't I demand some respect or even get an offering of help before things get so bad that it takes a night in the ER for a smidgen of help without asking? As DH is slowly going back to his old habits, of which I knew would happen, I have silently taken on more and more to pick up the slack. In fact, the transition has been happening so seamlessly that it took me a week to notice it. Now since I noticed it... how do I change it? I do not have one vindictive bone in my body to demand for something... anything that benefits only me. Is it possible that the lessons learned as a child... those moral tidbits of being a good person in every aspect of the word... becoming the downside to my well-being? That hard work has its rewards, or taking a walk in someone else's shoes before judging? As I take into consideration that DH works long hours and works very hard for what we have... I have given him the life of luxury at home with zero demands for help... unless it is something I cannot fix on my own. I have learned quite a lot during these past (almost) 14 years of marriage. I know things that my mother has no clue how to handle, nor was she ever required to do so because I took the initiative to do them myself. When it comes to DD and her chores... I just gave up when it came to waiting for her to do as asked. She has a high threshold for procrastination. I lack that ability. DH, on the other hand, is capable, but too tired to attend to what is needed. Even on the weekends he sleeps most of the day away. I attribute that to his week of hard labor.
While I would love more help around the house, I just can't bring myself to ask out of fear to sound like a nag. Nagging has been a one way ticket to endless fighting and I just hate the drama that creates. Of course, add the hard work ethic that has been instilled in me by my parents and I actually feel guilty if I am not pulling my weight around here. Delegating something that I can do sounds like a lazy excuse to get out of getting it done. While the random "thank you" here and there are nice, I just feel that my efforts are under appreciated. Believe me... feeling under appreciated pushes me to do even more and will eventually hurt me physically. Just that consideration to let DH get a good night's rest is being paid in back pain. While I will try to take it easy on myself today, I know that I will end up doing more than I should. Sigh. Yet another thing in my mind that tells me that I either need to bite the bullet and demand more from others that prefer to do less or let the considerate side of me swallow down more than I should be taking. Either choice is not going to give me the result I seek. I just have to figure which is easier to take... Resentment from asking or lack of appreciation for doing it all.
Battling the worst case of allergies to date results in discomfort that offers no preferred options that I would like. I can either have my eyes and face hurt from swollen sinuses to avoid coughing or take a decongestant to alleviate the pain, but cough from post nasal drip. Either way is not all that desirable. I want freedom from all of this, but as in life, things like this take time. As I chose the latter of the two options, I opted to sleep on the couch because I have strong convictions that disrupting DH's sleep can be more dangerous for him than me. All it takes is for one (or many) nights of poor sleep and mistakes (deadly ones) will happen due to poor judgement or lack of attention to detail. Cars are unforgiving items and do not stop before something bad happens. Proof was "in the pudding" years ago when an employee was not paying attention while working on a car. He had lost the tip (from the first knuckle up) of two fingers on his prominent hand. Since then, he now no longer works on cars, but has been a valuable asset to DH's garage as a service writer.
As I always think of DH and DD first, I tend to let myself pay for my considerate actions. Sleeping on the couch is not good for my back. With the hospital ID still sitting on the end table in the living room as a reminder from the 8 hour battle to get a back spasm from H-E-L-L under control, you would think I'd learn, but alas I haven't. I just could not fathom the chain reaction of poor judgement going farther than me.
How is it possible that I can be so considerate to a fault that the ones around me would allow it to happen? Is it possible that I am weak compared to my family when it comes to needs? Have I actually allowed myself to enable my family so much that consideration for me is no longer thought of? That every sacrifice I made has become more of an expectation than a nice gesture? Have I forgotten that I matter because of it? If so, then why can't I demand some respect or even get an offering of help before things get so bad that it takes a night in the ER for a smidgen of help without asking? As DH is slowly going back to his old habits, of which I knew would happen, I have silently taken on more and more to pick up the slack. In fact, the transition has been happening so seamlessly that it took me a week to notice it. Now since I noticed it... how do I change it? I do not have one vindictive bone in my body to demand for something... anything that benefits only me. Is it possible that the lessons learned as a child... those moral tidbits of being a good person in every aspect of the word... becoming the downside to my well-being? That hard work has its rewards, or taking a walk in someone else's shoes before judging? As I take into consideration that DH works long hours and works very hard for what we have... I have given him the life of luxury at home with zero demands for help... unless it is something I cannot fix on my own. I have learned quite a lot during these past (almost) 14 years of marriage. I know things that my mother has no clue how to handle, nor was she ever required to do so because I took the initiative to do them myself. When it comes to DD and her chores... I just gave up when it came to waiting for her to do as asked. She has a high threshold for procrastination. I lack that ability. DH, on the other hand, is capable, but too tired to attend to what is needed. Even on the weekends he sleeps most of the day away. I attribute that to his week of hard labor.
While I would love more help around the house, I just can't bring myself to ask out of fear to sound like a nag. Nagging has been a one way ticket to endless fighting and I just hate the drama that creates. Of course, add the hard work ethic that has been instilled in me by my parents and I actually feel guilty if I am not pulling my weight around here. Delegating something that I can do sounds like a lazy excuse to get out of getting it done. While the random "thank you" here and there are nice, I just feel that my efforts are under appreciated. Believe me... feeling under appreciated pushes me to do even more and will eventually hurt me physically. Just that consideration to let DH get a good night's rest is being paid in back pain. While I will try to take it easy on myself today, I know that I will end up doing more than I should. Sigh. Yet another thing in my mind that tells me that I either need to bite the bullet and demand more from others that prefer to do less or let the considerate side of me swallow down more than I should be taking. Either choice is not going to give me the result I seek. I just have to figure which is easier to take... Resentment from asking or lack of appreciation for doing it all.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Blog-slam....
Good morning! As thoughts race through my mind, I decided upon a quick blog-slam. What is a "blog-slam", you ask? Simple.... the next paragraph is going to be all of the random thoughts that hit me this morning and there was not enough to really create an entertaining read. When you read the below... you will see how random my mind can be when I wake up. Then you can understand the need to do a little "mental flossing", so here goes.....
Ugh! Morning! Stuffed nose, sinus pressure and the overwhelming urge to figure what to take next in this battle of the allergy flareup... Do I take Mucinex D? Shall I return to the steroid nasal spray and cough the thinned crap dripping down my throat? Maybe I just need to keep taking the darn Zyrtec and keep the production of a rubber cement-like substance that will make me cough so hard I will eventually pee my pants when the need arises... Oh, the choices and none of them seem appealing. Open the blinds and feel that surging pain settle behind my eyes...OUCH! and it is not even that bright outside. Check the Kindle to see if it is charged. Darn book has me hooked! I feel the need to fit in a few more chapters... Not sure I like the blushing and childish giggling at reading soft core porn... the title "Fifty Shades of Gray" sure does not scratch the surface regarding how uncomfortable, yet drawn to reading more about something that resembles the movie 9-1/2 weeks has on me. Even Indecent Proposal has crossed my mind.... this writer sure has a talent to shock and awe. I am far from graphic when it comes to personal affairs of the heart, but the writing does grab you and holds your attention. At least DH is away at work today so I can read a little more with my tired eyes that hurt from the unnerving sinus pressure and not feel so dirty doing so. Well, that and if I was to look up at him I do not need to wonder why he lacks the spontaneity this dude has in the book. Actually, I think I am appreciating the predictability DH offers. At least DH is transparent enough to not drive me batty like this girl is suffering. Cough... cough... cough... Darn it! Gotta figure what to take or go see the doctor again... Cough thick rubber cement randomly or thin this junk out and cough all day... the choices are both bad. Time to pack DD's lunch and send her on her way... Ring... ring... ring... the phone. Damn! Where did I put that thing?... "Hello?"... "uh huh... uh huh... Sure. Taekwondo tonight instead of Wednesday night. Got it... No problem... bye." Tell DD that she is going to TKD class tonight because I have to carpool tonight. "Why?", she asks... "Because one of the kids we carpool cannot make it for Wednesday and his parents insist he goes tonight. It has something to do with tryouts for marching band... yet another thing this woman schleps her son off for, so plan on class tonight." Sigh, it is almost 8:30... Time to get DD to school. Return home to laundry and housework... Yep, this is the life.... Check Facebook... play a game or two... think about a status update since being home with nothing else on my social calendar and read the words.... "what is on your mind". Darn it! Just blog. What shall I call it? Blog-slam sounds appealing. Gets all the thoughts out in one long-winded release. Feeling better. Now off to the bank to get some quarters. Laundromat day... sheets and comforters. The rest I can do at home. AhChoo! Allergies! I highly recommend them... that sneeze just released some pressure behind my eyes, but sadly pushed it in my ears. Oh, this just sucks! Muscles in my back are tightening up... time to do some of those yoga stretches that I learned last week. Go to my WW weigh in this morning? Heck no! Feeling way too bloated to sit through a one sided food-Nazi rant over what to eat after I know I gained, but my mom's birthday dinner was too good to pass up. Rarely, if ever, DH agrees to go out to eat. I still have leftovers. I know what I am having for lunch... crab cakes... yum-o! I NEED A VACATION!!!
Thanks for reading! Have a great day :)
Ugh! Morning! Stuffed nose, sinus pressure and the overwhelming urge to figure what to take next in this battle of the allergy flareup... Do I take Mucinex D? Shall I return to the steroid nasal spray and cough the thinned crap dripping down my throat? Maybe I just need to keep taking the darn Zyrtec and keep the production of a rubber cement-like substance that will make me cough so hard I will eventually pee my pants when the need arises... Oh, the choices and none of them seem appealing. Open the blinds and feel that surging pain settle behind my eyes...OUCH! and it is not even that bright outside. Check the Kindle to see if it is charged. Darn book has me hooked! I feel the need to fit in a few more chapters... Not sure I like the blushing and childish giggling at reading soft core porn... the title "Fifty Shades of Gray" sure does not scratch the surface regarding how uncomfortable, yet drawn to reading more about something that resembles the movie 9-1/2 weeks has on me. Even Indecent Proposal has crossed my mind.... this writer sure has a talent to shock and awe. I am far from graphic when it comes to personal affairs of the heart, but the writing does grab you and holds your attention. At least DH is away at work today so I can read a little more with my tired eyes that hurt from the unnerving sinus pressure and not feel so dirty doing so. Well, that and if I was to look up at him I do not need to wonder why he lacks the spontaneity this dude has in the book. Actually, I think I am appreciating the predictability DH offers. At least DH is transparent enough to not drive me batty like this girl is suffering. Cough... cough... cough... Darn it! Gotta figure what to take or go see the doctor again... Cough thick rubber cement randomly or thin this junk out and cough all day... the choices are both bad. Time to pack DD's lunch and send her on her way... Ring... ring... ring... the phone. Damn! Where did I put that thing?... "Hello?"... "uh huh... uh huh... Sure. Taekwondo tonight instead of Wednesday night. Got it... No problem... bye." Tell DD that she is going to TKD class tonight because I have to carpool tonight. "Why?", she asks... "Because one of the kids we carpool cannot make it for Wednesday and his parents insist he goes tonight. It has something to do with tryouts for marching band... yet another thing this woman schleps her son off for, so plan on class tonight." Sigh, it is almost 8:30... Time to get DD to school. Return home to laundry and housework... Yep, this is the life.... Check Facebook... play a game or two... think about a status update since being home with nothing else on my social calendar and read the words.... "what is on your mind". Darn it! Just blog. What shall I call it? Blog-slam sounds appealing. Gets all the thoughts out in one long-winded release. Feeling better. Now off to the bank to get some quarters. Laundromat day... sheets and comforters. The rest I can do at home. AhChoo! Allergies! I highly recommend them... that sneeze just released some pressure behind my eyes, but sadly pushed it in my ears. Oh, this just sucks! Muscles in my back are tightening up... time to do some of those yoga stretches that I learned last week. Go to my WW weigh in this morning? Heck no! Feeling way too bloated to sit through a one sided food-Nazi rant over what to eat after I know I gained, but my mom's birthday dinner was too good to pass up. Rarely, if ever, DH agrees to go out to eat. I still have leftovers. I know what I am having for lunch... crab cakes... yum-o! I NEED A VACATION!!!
Thanks for reading! Have a great day :)
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Not ready to let go....
Last night, I got a call from my best friend. Her voice echoed the tone of something important needed to be done. She requested that we get together really soon and that there is no room for being all that relaxed about it.... Time is limited and she really wants to spend some time with me.
While I am fully aware that she got a job offer in another state and is planning on moving there, I figured that we still have time. I thought that her plans were to go there late in the summer, but I was quickly corrected. She is starting to pack up to leave. The time is nearing and is far sooner than I was prepared for. The job she was offered and graciously accepted needs her ASAP. She is currently in the process of tying some loose ends with the part time job being a Nanny. In fact, there are a couple of part time jobs she happens to have. The pay has not been where it needs to be and struggling financially has hit the point to where she needs to say goodbye to what has been her life for years. This new job is something completely different and this is a chance to make enough money to really be self-sufficient in every sense of the word.
As she is aware that there is really no solid support system in place to where she is going, she is taking the leap of faith that everything will work out for the best. Leaving friends and most of her family behind, she is to set off to another state to stay with her brother and his fiance' until there is enough money to find a place of her own. Her parents have been her solid rock offering her shelter and assistance to her bills while she has been struggling to make ends meet. The moment she moves out.... that support is gone and she is responsible to make this new venture work... it has to work. There is no turning back in her eyes.
Her initial move is a small one. Just a bag or two of clothes, her car and some basic necessities. Once she finds a place of her own... she is returning to pack up all her belongings and haul it to her new place (which includes her two birds that she sees as her children).
As I talk to her, thinking we still had more time... I get informed that her moving date is quite close. In fact, it has been moved up. The end of June is the latest date she is allowed to have to get moved. With the potential of making a stable wage, I know that she is not going to have these people wait. She needs to be trained for this job. With mere weeks left to see my friend's face, the time is now to get in as much face time as I can. She is my best friend. She is the one I call when I need to vent. She is the friend that never lets me go out alone if I need a little time and a few beers to decompress from the stress of life. She is my cycling buddy for our annual 25 mile ride through the streets of Chicago (of which we are obviously not going to do anymore). She is the friend that keeps my secrets, makes me laugh when I want to cry and understands me better than anyone else on this planet. It took years to build a friendship like ours. We are more like sisters than friends... we are family. She is called "Aunt" by my daughter, and she is always the first one to offer assistance when needed. This type of friendship is so balanced that it saddens me that those days are numbered. While we can still call, write, or e-mail as a means of communication... it is nothing like the personal time that you spend in the presence of one another. The hug when I need one will never be given by her. The punch in the arm when frustration sets in will no longer come from her. Well, when it came to the punching... I can breathe a sigh of relief that she cannot "knuckle punch" me from over 1,000 miles away...LOL.
What makes this so hard for me is that I am not a young girl anymore. Friends come and go, but true friends are those that take take years of effort to create. I am not sure if life offers that many years at my age to build another friendship like I have with her, and if I have that much effort left in me to try again. Having her as my best friend has been effortless and I really like that. I understand the importance of feeling financially sound and she deserves far better than what life in Illinois has offered. I just would have liked that opportunities like the one she has been offered could have been available here so she would not have to move away. As I do happen to have plenty of friends, I just do not have a friend that can become like family. To be so understood on both sides that there is virtually no need to explain themselves.
Of course, she is slightly freaking out. She now has to find a person to cut her hair the right way. She has trusted me with that job for years. Beyond that, she is going to have to deal with leaving her best friend behind. I believe that things will stay strong between the two of us, but the distance is going to be a challenge. I will have to do things on my own, like shopping, without her input. She knows I hate shopping for myself. Or to go out and have a beer when the need strikes. Not too many of my other friends are local to just join me and have other friends they hang with all the time. Yep, life as I know it is going to change and I am still not ready to let go of what I know....
Thanks for reading.... have a great day!
While I am fully aware that she got a job offer in another state and is planning on moving there, I figured that we still have time. I thought that her plans were to go there late in the summer, but I was quickly corrected. She is starting to pack up to leave. The time is nearing and is far sooner than I was prepared for. The job she was offered and graciously accepted needs her ASAP. She is currently in the process of tying some loose ends with the part time job being a Nanny. In fact, there are a couple of part time jobs she happens to have. The pay has not been where it needs to be and struggling financially has hit the point to where she needs to say goodbye to what has been her life for years. This new job is something completely different and this is a chance to make enough money to really be self-sufficient in every sense of the word.
As she is aware that there is really no solid support system in place to where she is going, she is taking the leap of faith that everything will work out for the best. Leaving friends and most of her family behind, she is to set off to another state to stay with her brother and his fiance' until there is enough money to find a place of her own. Her parents have been her solid rock offering her shelter and assistance to her bills while she has been struggling to make ends meet. The moment she moves out.... that support is gone and she is responsible to make this new venture work... it has to work. There is no turning back in her eyes.
Her initial move is a small one. Just a bag or two of clothes, her car and some basic necessities. Once she finds a place of her own... she is returning to pack up all her belongings and haul it to her new place (which includes her two birds that she sees as her children).
As I talk to her, thinking we still had more time... I get informed that her moving date is quite close. In fact, it has been moved up. The end of June is the latest date she is allowed to have to get moved. With the potential of making a stable wage, I know that she is not going to have these people wait. She needs to be trained for this job. With mere weeks left to see my friend's face, the time is now to get in as much face time as I can. She is my best friend. She is the one I call when I need to vent. She is the friend that never lets me go out alone if I need a little time and a few beers to decompress from the stress of life. She is my cycling buddy for our annual 25 mile ride through the streets of Chicago (of which we are obviously not going to do anymore). She is the friend that keeps my secrets, makes me laugh when I want to cry and understands me better than anyone else on this planet. It took years to build a friendship like ours. We are more like sisters than friends... we are family. She is called "Aunt" by my daughter, and she is always the first one to offer assistance when needed. This type of friendship is so balanced that it saddens me that those days are numbered. While we can still call, write, or e-mail as a means of communication... it is nothing like the personal time that you spend in the presence of one another. The hug when I need one will never be given by her. The punch in the arm when frustration sets in will no longer come from her. Well, when it came to the punching... I can breathe a sigh of relief that she cannot "knuckle punch" me from over 1,000 miles away...LOL.
What makes this so hard for me is that I am not a young girl anymore. Friends come and go, but true friends are those that take take years of effort to create. I am not sure if life offers that many years at my age to build another friendship like I have with her, and if I have that much effort left in me to try again. Having her as my best friend has been effortless and I really like that. I understand the importance of feeling financially sound and she deserves far better than what life in Illinois has offered. I just would have liked that opportunities like the one she has been offered could have been available here so she would not have to move away. As I do happen to have plenty of friends, I just do not have a friend that can become like family. To be so understood on both sides that there is virtually no need to explain themselves.
Of course, she is slightly freaking out. She now has to find a person to cut her hair the right way. She has trusted me with that job for years. Beyond that, she is going to have to deal with leaving her best friend behind. I believe that things will stay strong between the two of us, but the distance is going to be a challenge. I will have to do things on my own, like shopping, without her input. She knows I hate shopping for myself. Or to go out and have a beer when the need strikes. Not too many of my other friends are local to just join me and have other friends they hang with all the time. Yep, life as I know it is going to change and I am still not ready to let go of what I know....
Thanks for reading.... have a great day!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
The deep thinker strikes again....
Good morning! Well, things are basically back to normal at home. My back is still sensitive, but after seeing the Chiropractor yesterday... I get it. With a plan in mind of what to do next.... I need to find a new exercise routine. Apparently, the beginner class at the local Y is far too intense for me. I need to hone that back a bit and go to the place where I really liked and bite the money bullet and pay for a set of classes. I think DH will understand. I did get some really good suggestions from the Chiropractor for other options to where I can still utilize the Y and save some money.
Well, last night, I went back to the usual routine of taking the garbage out for the night. Fortunately, I got some help from DH without complaint. That was a nice change. I did get stopped by my next door neighbor that DH coins "the clueless one (aka TCO)". I tend to agree with DH on this one. TCO suffers the same fate as most of the people on our street... Flooding. He just happens to be the only one demanding to sue the village for a solution to only what he sees as his problem. With determination running through his veins, he is always looking for a solution that costs him nothing since his wife finds yet another "project" that must be done for the house. While I envy the fact that this woman (no matter how evil she can be towards her husband) gets whatever she wants, I just happen to have a little pity for TCO. Shooting from the hip every half-baked idea that he thinks would fix the flooding issue to his home with the cheapest cost. He would spend more money on solid oak, raised panel doors for his whole house than invest in something that guarantees better flood protection to his home. His latest half-baked idea actually made me chuckle....
He noticed that whenever it rains, there is a small lake forming on one side of his home. The house next door to him (not mine, obviously), is on slightly higher ground than his and is causing runoff to land on his property. Years of exposure to excessive water has caused a crack in his foundation that needs to be repaired so this excessive water that hits his home does not creep its way in to flood his crawlspace. Has he considered fixing the crack in his foundation? No. He wants to build a drainage system that takes the neighbor's runoff and reroute it down to the street and into the storm drain. While this idea sounds good, he managed to forget that when the storm drain is overflowing.... water does not move. It finds its natural level and will most likely raise back to where it was coming from. Not really a well thought out solution. Also, he thinks that this new drain that takes the seeping rainwater away from his foundation will solve the issue of why the sewer backs up during heavy rainfalls. The storm drain and sewer line are two totally separate things. The cost to do his little "patch" to one problem would cost about $1000 and he wants the village to pay for half. The real solution that has proven effective when it comes to the flooding issue in our homes (of which it is more likely being sewer water than rain water), is to reroute the sewer system to an above grade system with an automatic shutoff and underground reservoir that allows the homeowner to continue using water while the home is temporarily detached from a taxed full sewer line. Cutting off the sewer line avoids backup from returning into the houses. The cost for this... ranges in the ballpark between $8,000 and $10,000 (of which the village will pay half the cost). See my point? Spend $1000 (to get $500 back) and not really solve the issue and still need to manually shut off the sewer line to the house seems wasteful to me. The real solution is the latter thing and that costs thousands. While DH and I would love this system, we just do not have the available money to do so. Shelling out the full cost to wait for the village to reimburse would be too hard of a thing to take at this time. As I tried to explain that his plan has its faults, he actually believes that this will solve all his issues. In fact, he is making plans to do this $1000 "patch" plan really soon.
Knowing that this obviously is not the solution and his belief being as strong as it has been that it is... I wished him luck and went on my merry way. After I got inside my home, I told DH what TCO told me. Apparently, DH is a deep thinker like me because his first question was... "what does it solve when the storm drain gets filled and backs up all that water to his foundation again?" and then he added... "does he realize that this does not stop the threat of sewer water backing up in his home? The sewer line is totally different than the storm drain line.". Yep, I knew marrying this guy he would see what I see. Too bad it is only when TCO bakes up some half-thought out plan. It would be nice to agree on more than that. Oh well, I guess it will be another year of hearing TCO complain that he spent money on something that never really solved the big problem. As for us and our "flood control" plan.... We will just keep using the tried and true system of manually shutting off the sewer line and be in "camping mode" until it is safe to open the line back up again. We just will have to be better at closing it every time it rains more than an inch per hour. When we do have the money... I guarantee you we will invest in that $10,000 fix. Now, only if I could win the lottery or something like that......
Thanks for reading and have a great day :)
Well, last night, I went back to the usual routine of taking the garbage out for the night. Fortunately, I got some help from DH without complaint. That was a nice change. I did get stopped by my next door neighbor that DH coins "the clueless one (aka TCO)". I tend to agree with DH on this one. TCO suffers the same fate as most of the people on our street... Flooding. He just happens to be the only one demanding to sue the village for a solution to only what he sees as his problem. With determination running through his veins, he is always looking for a solution that costs him nothing since his wife finds yet another "project" that must be done for the house. While I envy the fact that this woman (no matter how evil she can be towards her husband) gets whatever she wants, I just happen to have a little pity for TCO. Shooting from the hip every half-baked idea that he thinks would fix the flooding issue to his home with the cheapest cost. He would spend more money on solid oak, raised panel doors for his whole house than invest in something that guarantees better flood protection to his home. His latest half-baked idea actually made me chuckle....
He noticed that whenever it rains, there is a small lake forming on one side of his home. The house next door to him (not mine, obviously), is on slightly higher ground than his and is causing runoff to land on his property. Years of exposure to excessive water has caused a crack in his foundation that needs to be repaired so this excessive water that hits his home does not creep its way in to flood his crawlspace. Has he considered fixing the crack in his foundation? No. He wants to build a drainage system that takes the neighbor's runoff and reroute it down to the street and into the storm drain. While this idea sounds good, he managed to forget that when the storm drain is overflowing.... water does not move. It finds its natural level and will most likely raise back to where it was coming from. Not really a well thought out solution. Also, he thinks that this new drain that takes the seeping rainwater away from his foundation will solve the issue of why the sewer backs up during heavy rainfalls. The storm drain and sewer line are two totally separate things. The cost to do his little "patch" to one problem would cost about $1000 and he wants the village to pay for half. The real solution that has proven effective when it comes to the flooding issue in our homes (of which it is more likely being sewer water than rain water), is to reroute the sewer system to an above grade system with an automatic shutoff and underground reservoir that allows the homeowner to continue using water while the home is temporarily detached from a taxed full sewer line. Cutting off the sewer line avoids backup from returning into the houses. The cost for this... ranges in the ballpark between $8,000 and $10,000 (of which the village will pay half the cost). See my point? Spend $1000 (to get $500 back) and not really solve the issue and still need to manually shut off the sewer line to the house seems wasteful to me. The real solution is the latter thing and that costs thousands. While DH and I would love this system, we just do not have the available money to do so. Shelling out the full cost to wait for the village to reimburse would be too hard of a thing to take at this time. As I tried to explain that his plan has its faults, he actually believes that this will solve all his issues. In fact, he is making plans to do this $1000 "patch" plan really soon.
Knowing that this obviously is not the solution and his belief being as strong as it has been that it is... I wished him luck and went on my merry way. After I got inside my home, I told DH what TCO told me. Apparently, DH is a deep thinker like me because his first question was... "what does it solve when the storm drain gets filled and backs up all that water to his foundation again?" and then he added... "does he realize that this does not stop the threat of sewer water backing up in his home? The sewer line is totally different than the storm drain line.". Yep, I knew marrying this guy he would see what I see. Too bad it is only when TCO bakes up some half-thought out plan. It would be nice to agree on more than that. Oh well, I guess it will be another year of hearing TCO complain that he spent money on something that never really solved the big problem. As for us and our "flood control" plan.... We will just keep using the tried and true system of manually shutting off the sewer line and be in "camping mode" until it is safe to open the line back up again. We just will have to be better at closing it every time it rains more than an inch per hour. When we do have the money... I guarantee you we will invest in that $10,000 fix. Now, only if I could win the lottery or something like that......
Thanks for reading and have a great day :)
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