Kind Gestures.....

Have you ever seen a person do something completely out of character to make a person feel worthy?  Tonight I saw someone do something so nice it brought tears to my eyes.  Even blogging about this is hard because thinking about this makes my eyes water up with thankfulness that there are people capable of doing something nice because they want to.

You see, DD has been studying taekwondo for years.  It all started as an idea of mine to get my child involved in something that will build confidence, give her a form of exercise, and to be able to learn how to defend herself.  The family that runs this martial arts school are absolutely WONDERFUL people that really care about their students.  They are a tough, but gentle group that believe that you can do great things when you try.  The father of the family is one tough cookie, but the nicest person you will ever know.  His voice is something that is never to be reckoned with, but knows how to get his students to pay attention and work hard.  The mother of the family is nothing other than a woman of steel.  She is the kindest person to talk to and is a major example setter because she can keep up with these kids.  They do have 3 sons that are very competitive, strong and courteous. A perfect example of being perfect gentlemen.  Usually, when you see these 3 sons participate in class, they have a talent that cannot be denied.  Their abilities are what I would love to see DD become able to do.  I know it takes confidence to do great in this sport, but that is where she seems to be lacking.  

Well tonight was her chosen night to do a double class.  She is extremely close to becoming a black belt.  She knows the moves, she is able to perform with strength and power, but she seems to fall a bit short when it comes to sparring.  Tonight's double class was one class of technical lessons and the other class that strictly helps hone their abilities to fight.  DD dreads sparring.  Well, tonight's class was about being quick and strong.  Each "match" was timed to only 10 seconds and there is one winner per match.  All it took was to be the first one to land a solid punch or kick to their opponent to be winner.  The class was divided up into groups of 5 and only 1 person can win a match to go on to battle another.  DD's group had 2 black belts that are quite competitive and one of them was the son of the headmaster of the school.  His name is Casey.  He is a nice kid, very respectful, but very competitive.  He rarely ever loses a match.  Well, also being a 3rd degree black belt should be the indication that he is no slacker.  DD is a red/black belt.  Only one more test away to becoming a black belt.  She is kind, respectful, and has no competitive edge to her.  As I volunteered to be one of the judges, I was placed to judge the ring that DD was sparring in.  Being as honest and impartial as I can be, I watched for the winning hit to declare the winner.  DD steps up, bows in, and is ready.  She is sparring against Casey...  YIKES!  All I said before the match is to do your best to DD and asked Casey one question...  "Do you believe in DD".  His reply was "yes" and the match started.  Knowing that Casey is extremely talented in sparring, I would have figured he would have made the winning move quickly.  I was just surprised that Casey left himself open to get hit first.  I saw the look in his eyes when he lost to DD.  It was the look of I know I let her win because she deserves a chance to believe in herself, but she did good.  He made sure that she had no clue that his effort was lowered for her.  A smile came across his face when he hears DD exclaim... "I won against Casey!?!?!  I can hold my head up high because I won sparring against the best kid in class!  I tried my best and I did it!!  Thanks for believing in me!"  It did not really hit me until she sparred against the other black belt and lost that Casey really did one small thing to boost the morale of my daughter because he can.  She was so proud of herself and I was proud of her too.  I was just really touched by Casey's kind gesture that letting someone else win to get them to believe in them self again.  He is a champion in my book because his little gesture changed DD's confidence level to really try.

It is just nice to see that some people choose to let you win when you never really won before.  Kindness like that gives me hope that life is capable of being uplifting.  Seeing that spark of confidence in DD's eyes was Casey's reward for his kind gesture....  Well, that and my mention to his mom my appreciation that her son can be so kind and elevate the confidence of DD to keep working hard and to believe in herself when she would never really listen when I tell her that I believe in her.  I guess all it took was for someone else other than me to believe in her to make her shine.

Ice packs and infomercials....

For years, I have been dealing with back pain.  It is not some simple little "twinge" a person kind-of feels...  It is a searing ring of fire that starts at my spine and wraps around me like a barbed wire belt worn at the height of a waistband on a senior citizen.  Besides the pain, I also get the feeling like I have some serious acid reflux that borders on being very nauseous.  Now, I am not one to judge the fashion sense of my elders, but it has been known that the older a person gets...  the higher the waistband is on their pants.

I see that my back issues are something that really does not need to be discussed every time it happens, but I never mentioned it here.... well, until now.  I realized that I have a pretty strong determination to keep pain under control.  Especially in my back.  I do daily stretches, I watch what I eat, I see a chiropractor when it gets really bad, but I remain "in tune" to when it is about to start with my own little arsenal of things to do to fight the agony...  The ice pack is my usual first go-to item.  Freezing it to numb seems to be quite efficient for this battle.  Well, that and taking an anti-inflammatory like Advil or Aleve (the days of Tylenol are way over when it comes to this kind of pain).  Sometimes I even down a Tums or two for the sour stomach feeling.  It is my own little cocktail for managing something that refuses to be managed.  I have been to countless doctors and have spent a few times in the emergency room to be sent home because they cannot find anything wrong with me.  Well, pumping me up with muscle relaxers and antacids does help make the pain go away before the overworked ER doctor can actually see me.  I guess that is how I figured my pain relief cocktail at home.

I truly believe I have a second sense when it comes to a back spasm.  Well, it does happen to have a pattern of making its appearance....  Waking me up from a dead sleep between 2 and 4am.  Being the nice person that I am, I do not disturb DH in his slumber and I crawl down stairs to grab my go-to items and spend the rest of the morning hours on the couch with a pillow, blanket, and ice pack squared on my spine.  The pain needs to be frozen in order to feel some comfort to finally go back to sleep, but leaving a warm bed for an ice pack can keep a person awake for hours, so I fill in the time watching late, late, late TV.  From personal experience, there is really nothing on except infomercials.  I have watched numerous late night ads that range from the newest diet craze to "miracle" items to make cleaning your house easier, cooking meals faster/healthier, reverse the signs of aging, beauty "must haves", and such.  I just find it so interesting at how something is the newest, most effective and best kept secret has already been used for purposes to show that it works.  Where do they find these people?  I'm sorry if I sound a little cynical, but there is no way that a person that loses 100 pounds in roughly 6 months has tight skin that you can bounce a quarter off of it, and zero signs of ever having a stretch mark.  My goodness!  I still do not have the tight, stretch mark-free skin after giving birth a little over 11 years ago and that 50 pound "fast" weight loss from being pregnant to not pregnant took time... lots of time and I still am not thin enough.

Realizing that I am lacking rest for my brain cells to think really clearly, I can see the interest in wanting to buy these items that are to never be sold in stores.  Nobody actually can focus their sight well enough to read the fine print on the bottom of the screen to see that the results are not typical and will vary from person to person.  Who cares that they basically convinced you that you are guaranteed to lose large amounts of weight in a short period of time with what I can see is lies-a-plenty.  Of course, on a side note, if you wait long enough, you will find these things in your local Target and Walgreens stores.  Why pay shipping and handling when you can pick it up locally.  I just seem to find it comical how the act of excitement and the feeling that you will get a great deal of savings of you call in the next 5 minutes.  Okay, not really comical, but darn scary that I can almost... and I mean almost be swayed to pick up the phone and order.  Fortunately, I am awake enough to know better.  That and DH would never let me hear the end of it if I did break down and fall victim to the infomercial sales pitch.  

Balance....

Balance.... The ultimate goal in life.

Call it the Ying-Yang effect, but that is what life is about.  It is about balancing the serious side with the playful side.  My question is how to get that level of balance when balancing a situation makes you unbalanced as a person?  Think about it.....

You are in a committed relationship.  There is just more than one person to consider in this equation.  When one is lacking in one part, the other makes up the difference.  I just wonder why when one is lacking just a little in being serious, the other does what is necessary to balance it, but sees that actually balancing that other person just created an opportunity to go completely off kilter and the effort now becomes greater than initially intended? 

Here is the breakdown as simply as I can think of.....

Let's say there is this couple.  Their names are Joe and Kim.  Joe is one that tends to be a bit off balance when it comes to being serious compared to his ability to being playful.  For the sake of argument, Joe is a kid at heart and lacks being serious.  He has a job, works hard, but plays even harder.  Responsibilities beyond that 9-5 job is not something Joe prefers to deal with.  Now, Kim, being remotely balanced levels out Joe's lack of being serious by taking on a more serious side of things.  Ya know, taking care of the responsibilities beyond the 9-5 job.  Kim, thinking that being the serious one for Joe is helping him see that some things need to be taken seriously, in fact, believes she is creating balance in Joe's life.  This assistance should bring to light that important things are being taken care of, but in actuality, Kim just took over the things that Joe had no interest in facing.  Joe, seeing that the serious stuff is being handled, decides that he can fit in more fun in his life, thus putting himself in a deeper level of being unbalanced.  Kim, seeing his lack of regard to important things takes it upon herself to step up and handle more of the serious side of things and makes her unbalanced because she is lacking the fun side of life.  Basically, two people becoming one to make a balanced existence.  Sadly both cannot exist being only one thing.  Joe always wanting to be playing and Kim being the serious one.  

As the old saying goes... "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy"....  Someone in this couple got the raw end of the deal.  Can you see who that was?  Yep, it was Kim.  She sacrificed having some fun for the sake of another.  She chose to place her attention on one person and to "help" balance their existence.  Sadly, in order to try to keep some balance in the existence of the two of them together, she sacrificed her already balanced existence.  One completely became the "Ying" to the other's "Yang".  In essence, Kim and Joe changed.  They are no longer individuals.  They changed who they are to the situation.  Kind of a "good cop - bad cop" scenario.

Now, how does one fix this problem?  That is where I seem to have that problem.  I started as a balanced person.  I was able to handle a multitude of things.  I had a balance of serious and fun in me.  Once I got married, I became unbalanced.  So did DH.  I made changes and sacrifices that are not noticed by him and because of those changes and sacrifices, I am feeling a bit jaded by it all.  I have made balance in another's existence with complete disregard of my own.  I am no longer the same person.  I chose my path and realized that what I chose was not as beneficial as I thought it would have been.  I have a feeling that DH has the same feelings, but his perspective is far different than mine.  I just wonder if he is just as curious as I am about how to get back what was lost/sacrificed.  How does one let go the resentment?  How does one allow the other to prove their abilities to make more changes to really balance it all?  If one takes one side of the teeter-totter of balance to the nth degree, how can they overcome the fear of letting the other end take on some of the weight as well as taking on some of the other's weight?  You know, a fair trade...

The sacrifices we make change us.  I just fear that the sacrifices we tend to make become resentful acts for another.  I just do not know how to communicate my concerns if when I look at the situation and see the problem, but he does not seem to notice anything wrong.  Is he seeing this as something not broken and does not need to be fixed?  Or is he accepting this and is embracing the unbalanced individuals we have become?  My cynical side is telling me that he sees that he has the better end of the deal and wants to leave it well alone.  My opinionated side is telling me that this should be addressed because I feel that I am getting the raw end of the bargain.  Well, in this case...  I believe that my cynical side is right.  Why create confrontation when things have finally settled down......

Homey don't play games.....

Yesterday, I decided to not blog in order to get to absorb the experience of the day.  You see, going to my in-laws is a total crap shoot.  It can be a picture perfect setting of what I see spending time with family is or it is a total depressing experience.  I am pleased to announce that it went really well.  I actually felt like I existed with this group.  Usually, I feel unwelcome by DH's siblings and feel the need to blend in with the furniture.  This time, I was included in conversations and even asked questions.  What a real nice change of pace that was.  Never one to get my hopes up too high... I sure hope that can happen again sometime.

Somehow, I thought that DH was going to continue this game of "I win, you lose" and really drive the concept home by getting his parents to side with him.  I just felt quite relieved that it only lasted the 3 days and stopped.  The air was getting a little too thick to breathe for a while there.  I figured if this game was to go into a fourth day, I would have to ask for help by the people he listens to more than me... his parents.  Asking for help from them is something I try to avoid at all costs because I have always felt that I am an annoyance to their blissful existence.  Usually, when I have asked for their help in the past, I quickly learn that it turns into an even bigger fight between DH and me.  You see, I am not a game player.  I refuse to pin people against one another for personal gain, but somehow in my apparent ignorance of this game and how its played... my honest attempt of trying to fix a problem with help is a major no-no because it would look like a desperate attempt to dominate the situation.  Chances are, my recent knowledge of this game has made my thinking even more critical.  I am not sure if that is a healthy way to think, but....  that is what I see happening.

I did mention about DD's up and coming graduation ceremony for her martial arts classes.  They even sounded interested in going.  I did tell them that I will let them know the definite date once we get closer to it because I know that it will happen in August, but I am not sure of the exact date.  Who knows, they might have an idea brewing to ask DH if we have a camcorder to record this event in her life.  Then maybe they can talk him into making the investment and leave me out of it...  crisis averted...

I just wonder why there must be games played in order to have a personal gain.  Really, is it more important to always win?  Or can people actually accept that it is like that old saying of.....  "It does not matter if you win or lose....  it matters that you played the game"....  Hmmm...  My critical thinking is running again... DARN IT!  It matters that you play the game?!?!?!  Well, that tells me that there is always going to be a game to play.  Homey, here does not like to play games...  Especially ones that hurt another's feelings for personal gain.  I think I need to find another old saying about winning/losing that does not leave room for interpretation of it always being a game....  Hmmm....  I wonder if my thought process changes and instead of using the word game, use the words of goal to attain.....  Nope.  Still a game I don't want to play.

Why beat a dead horse???

I was raised to be a person that follows these few simple guidelines....  To be honest, trustworthy, and thoughtful.  I was never a person to be really good at games, but my recent eye-opening experience taught me that life is a game.  Sadly, this "I win, you lose" game is getting a lot more spotlight than I care to see.  This game is so well handled by some that this game is not just for couples only.  This game becomes applicable in so many factors and situations that my head actually hurts....

This game can be played between friends, family, spouses, boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios, and also it can be applicable at work from your boss as well as your co-workers.  Yep, I am sounding pretty bitter lately.  I know it is because it took me this long to learn about this game of games...  The total mind-screwing and frustrating game.  It is not fair and sadly, I see things a lot clearer because of it.  I would have hoped that this cycle of always needing to be "on top" would at least end. 

Well, in my recent experience of this... I would have figured that once a person wins at one thing... They would move onto something different or even take a "breather", so to speak.  Nope, not in my existence when it came to DH.  I figured that after dropping the idea of even getting a camcorder should have been the end of the game I was served.  MY GOSH!  It has been 3 days since the smack down over this suggested purchase and there is still no end in sight!!  Day one:  BRUTAL!  I got the "talking to" right from the start.  Later in day one was the slap of a guilt trip.

Day two of this debacle starts off as if the whole awful idea that I had about getting a camcorder was behind us.  I figured that this became a "dead horse", so to speak because I decided that I should never speak of it again.  I figured that he realized that he won and I lost, because that is how this game is played, right?  That this thing ended and is over with....  NOPE!  DH comes home and is going through the mail.  He starts giggling.  This was not a, "Oh, did you hear the joke about the man walking into the bar with a duck under his arm"-kind of giggle, but an evil and malicious type of giggle.  I knew that I was in for something ugly and stupid me was there to take the bait.  Next thing I hear and see just really upset me....  I get a bill shoved under my nose with yet another slam about my stupid idea of thinking we could get a camcorder.... "Oh, look at this... a bill!  Hmmm...  I wonder, after we pay this, would be have enough money for all that other "fun stuff" you think we need?  Oh wait... here is another one...(holding another bill)... and another one...".  I figured that this issue was a dead one.  We are not getting a camcorder and I am just fine with that.  I get it... YOU WIN DH!!  I am silently screaming "UNCLE" as this now is going on for yet another day.  I finally open my mouth and tell him, "I get it.  I know.  I am not asking anymore.  I figured that since the idea was shot down, there is nothing more to discuss."  Next thing I get is the "silent treatment".  It is just about as bad as getting yelled at.  The dirty looks start flying in my direction and once that phase is over, I hear nothing come out of his mouth.  I basically do not exist in his eyes.  I can ask him a question and I get a snarky one-word answer.  I actually have a better chance of having a civil conversation with a wall.

Well, we are onto day three and the silent treatment is still going on.  I am not sure how long this round is going to be.  Easter is tomorrow and I get to spend it with DH's family.  I am not looking forward to this because I already know that I am going to be entering the 7th ring of Hell if he decides to tell his parents about our little spat.  You see, in the "I win, you lose" game, you can recruit others to make the loser feel that much more of a loser.  All it takes is a way of telling the story just right and BAM... instant bad-guy here.  Well, I guess it does not help that when it comes to blending families through marriage, there is always animosity towards the newcomer.  That newcomer just took their baby away and that they will never be good enough for their baby.  They just let you marry their son/daughter because they only want their son/daughter to be happy even if they are not all that thrilled about you.  If you happen to be married, and your in-laws just love you...... well then.... you are one lucky person.  As for me.... I am not that lucky.

More games people play.....

Staying up half the night, doing my best to try to keep my mind clear and avoid a restless slumber with tears in my eyes.  I did all that I could to be reasonable about the recent bout with the games that my family has mastered without informing me of the rules.  Maybe I stepped over the line without even realizing it.... maybe the line was drawn without me seeing it and I never even had a chance.  Either way, it comes back to this game that I will never get a chance to win.

I at least got a chance to hear from my best friend last night.  She gave me a call, feeling frustrated about something that happened to her and she needed to vent about it.  She knows that I am more than willing and able to offer her advise when she feels stumped about something.  I just found it so interesting that what happened to her is very similar to what I am going through.  Then, she shared something that just about knocked me off my chair...  She knows of a game that encompasses all of the games being played in my home by my lovely family.....

It is called......  The "I win" game.

This game called, "I win, you lose", is the epitome of mind games.  "Well, I made the game, I am not telling you the rules, so no matter how hard you try to figure it out... I will change the rules to my liking and you will always lose".  Sounds like fun, huh?  Not when I am the constant receiving end of the game....  Here is my last attempt to change the game and failed miserably....

Last night, DH finally came home... all happy like nothing is wrong.  I did my best of doing the same with hopes that the discussion will be avoided.  I was feeling quite hurt.  I decided I want to just drop the subject because I know that I am not gonna win.  Apparently, I did not do a good enough of a job at pretending to be just thrilled like a puppy seeing their master walk through the door after a long day.  I was washing dishes as he grabs a plate and reheats dinner.  Next thing I hear out of his mouth is...  "Oh, great!  Now you are pissed at me for saying no to the camcorder.  You know, it is a great idea, I would love to get one, but we just cannot afford to spend money we do not have for something like that.  There are loads of things I would love to have too, but you don't see me going all nutty and buying everything in sight... do you?"  Yep...  Slapping on the guilt trip.  Turn the tables that he is the hurt one and that it is all my fault....  I guess that is a classic move in DH's version of the "I win" game.  Needless to say, I stuck to my lie and told him that everything is just fine and that I was not mad.  The only honest thing said was that I was not mad.  Nope, not mad, just hurt....  Two totally different feelings when you think about it.

I wonder if there is ever a chance to actually turn the tables on this game and actually win for once...  Oh, that's right...  The rules can change at any time to the game maker's liking to ensure that you will never win.  I can only guess when turning the tables on a person is the best trump card out there if there was a chance to win.  It is like going to your favorite eatery, ordering one thing and deciding you wanted something completely different.  Then, play the martyr, state that you must have been misunderstood and begrudgingly accept what was brought to you with that sigh of dismay that you are willing to take something that you supposedly did not want in the first place, but ordered it.  Total mind-screwing play.  Maybe I even played the "I win game" last night because I just sighed and accepted something that I knew was going to happen anyway.  I call that move the optimistic pessimistic move.  I knew that I was going to lose before I even tried.  Sadly, I don't feel like I won anything.....  I am just not really good at games anyway.....

Throwing in the towel.....

Fighting for what is right is one thing, but fighting just to be heard is another.  After numerous attempts to be heard in my own home, I decided to throw in the towel.  You see, there comes a time in life when you have only 2 choices...  Accept it or fight to change it.

I live in a home with 2 very lovely people, but very stubborn people.  When they have their mind made up, it is best to just accept that there will be no reasoning with them.

I have come to the conclusion that people really do not change.  Oh, they have their intentions to change, maybe even a thought might have crossed their mind, but if the desire is truly not there...  there will never be any change.  Being married for almost 13 years should be the indication that getting married is no reason to change the way you think or act.  I am really trying to be reasonable about this, but I think I have finally hit my limit.  Please keep in mind, I love my family dearly, but I am getting the very strong impression that I am not a pivotal part of their lives.  DD and DH have a strong resolve when it comes to things and no matter how hard I try to bring them to see my point of view, I get shut out.  In fact, I think that they see this as a game to play and only they know the rules.

Currently, there are only 2 games currently playing that just make me frustrated to no end.....

1).  My mom/wife's a moron game.....  This is where no matter what I say, do, think, act, react, not react will forever be completely wrong.  Family time consists of doing nothing together except stare at the TV and try to drive each other batty.  Constant quarreling over why one insists on always being late coming home and the other refusing to do as asked.  Basically, live life like I am not even here.

2).  The seven degrees of separation to it being a money issue game.....  Basically just like the seven degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon game.  You know, mentioning one actor and connecting them to the likes of a movie with Kevin Bacon in it through other actors and movies except this one always boils down to a dollar sign.  I have tried to play this game, but no matter how justified a purchase is, I still ask for permission to be slammed with those hurtful words that I am a frivolous spender in the end.

Basically, both games are hurtful and I usually end up either crying myself to sleep or being so frustrated that I cry anyway after I get trumped.

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot fight them anymore.  I have lost all ability to try after today's debacle.  After being treated to lunch by my mom for all that I do for her (and it is also her way of not letting me feel left out because both DD and DH got something from her for Easter), we went walking around a couple of stores.  One was a place my mom wanted to go to and the other was for me to do a little research on MAYBE getting permission to purchase a camcorder to make a video of DD's black belt ceremony for her Taekwondo class.  She has been studying Taekwondo for years and finally making it to black belt status is a big milestone in her life.  I also figured that we could take videos of all the plays and choir performances, too.  Well, I felt confident enough to look and figured that I could ask DH about acquiring one and what the price range is.  I gave him a call, knowing that he went home for lunch and was not actually disrupting his day.  Well, the game hit right out of the starting block and I got my ear bent for even thinking about a camcorder.  There was zero appreciation that I was playing by the rules of the game and stated the reason for looking and was even asking for his permission to purchase.  I would have thought that he would have been a little nicer with expressing his thought process and by the time I got off the phone, I was in tears.  Now, I was told that we can discuss this once he gets home, but I know that it will be late, he and I will be too tired to talk about it, and if it he starts again with the game of 7 degrees of separation to money and end with my wife's a moron, I will be crushed beyond all repair.  Sleep will be terrible and my confidence level to slap a smile on my face as I get slammed down again will be that much harder tomorrow.

Knowing that my confidence level is already compromised, I should have known better than to ask, I thought I could at least try.  I think I will just go curl up in a corner with an apology letter pinned to my sleeve so I can avoid the potential devastation that awaits me when he gets home.  At least the only saving grace is my inability to just do it and deal with the consequences.  Nope, no camcorder was purchased today....  Nope, it won't happen tomorrow....  I definitely won't happen any time soon...  The only guarantee that I have is that I will be treated like a moron, slapped with a few choice hurtful words and I get to go back to pretending that I am just so thrilled to be alive every time they see me.  Yep, hide the hurt behind a smile again, keep my head down, and just do my required duties of being a caregiver, a cook, and a maid.  

Wondering why sometimes.....

In any long term relationship, there are areas of struggle.  The one that keeps popping into my mind is when it comes to doing something a certain way, it is always scrutinized as being perpetually wrong by the other person. Here are a few examples that I have managed to drudge up from my memory banks....

There was this one time, DH had a complaint about work.  Yep, if you have not figured it out in that one sentence... I went into fix-it mode and offered a suggestion and was slammed for putting my two cents where it supposedly does not belong since it is his business we were talking about.  His complaint was that he felt that he was doing more work than his fellow employees and was feeling quite unappreciated about it.  You see, I had an idea that would make it proven the levels of work accomplished per employee by seeking out a computer program that would track every employees accomplishments.  Knowing that this was a great and helpful idea, I was slammed for even mentioning this idea.  Apparently, he thought I was clueless about how a business is to be run and never even thought twice about my idea.  Knowing it is better to leave things well enough alone, I dropped pursuing the idea further.  Well, a few months later, DH comes home with wonderful news....  His business partner just found a....  Yep, gonna say it...  computer program that will track all the employee accomplishments....  AND that it was the greatest idea ever!!  WOW, is all I could say as I was biting my tongue...  remembering how my idea that I mentioned months earlier was so stupid, he would never even consider it.

Here is another one that is a bit different, but the idea is the same.....

Just a couple of years ago, the economy was showing struggle... in fact, it was plummeting.  Businesses were doing major layoffs, some businesses ended up closing their doors in a matter of months.  Things were tough. Our esteemed President Obama had a wonderful idea that was not thought out really well when he implemented it...  Cash for clunkers.  Oh, trade in your broken down car for a tax credit on a new one.  Hmmm...  DH owns a garage that works really hard fixing those clunkers and now if there is a major rise in auto sales, there is no need for repairs on brand new cars is there...  Well, business was painfully slow, there were some times that they could not afford to pay everyone's salary so DH being a partner in this garage would willingly not take a paycheck in order to keep is employees.  Well, not telling your wife this makes it really hard to pay the bills if there is no money coming in.  As frustrated as I was about this, I buckled down and budgeted everything as best as I could.  When our savings was dwindled down to almost nothing because we needed to pay the mortgage, I decided to have a little talk with DH.  I was accused of being a wasteful spender and that I have no clue how to budget.  My response...  I handed him the checkbook and the bills and let him take over.  Next thing I know is that DH had a little talk with his business partner and was able to get his back pay from the stockpile that his partner was making to create a buffer when it came to business being slow.  DH did not believe me when it came to what I buy in groceries as being the lowest price out there, so I now drag the family every week for our weekly grocery shopping.  Knowing that I have proven my point, I still have not gotten one ounce of kudos for a job well done.  Why is that?

Why do people have a tendency to never admit that they are wrong?  Why do people refuse to take into consideration an idea and actually look into it as a serious gesture that they appreciate your input?  Why is it that when an effort is made, a sacrifice is made for the greater good, or even an idea that was never considered actually being utilized because of another, is never appreciated?  Do some people actually believe that they are always right?  That they are the only one to solve a problem?  That they are the only one making the sacrifice?  Or is it that there is a serious lack of respect going on here?  I never said that I am the brightest person alive, but I do have moments of absolute genius scattered about.  I guess I will never really know.....

Crickets...

Spring is upon us...  The wacky temperature shifts has begun.  Just a week ago from today, we had temperatures in the low to mid 80's with humidity, to boot.  In the course of a week, we went from those very warm and balmy 80 degrees to a frigid 30 with rain and snow.  Living in the Midwest, really gives you a taste of everything before it finally settles down into the season.  As I have gotten older, my tolerance of this is a little higher, but there is always going to be a part of me that wishes there was a smoother transition between them.  Is the harsh fluctuations a sign of global warming?  Doubtful, but I do wonder at times.

I just find the change in seasons an interesting thing.  Spring is the renewal of what was once resting under the blanket of snow.  The trees start to wake up and the leaves start pushing forth; the grass that was left dormant starts to come back to life with the color of green; springing up from the once frozen ground are tulips to add just a little more color to the scene.  Summer is full of color, loaded with warmth and sunshine; the layers of clothes become less; the pale skin that has been lacking sunshine begins to get some color; windows are open, fresh air flows through the window screens; BBQ grills being fired up to give the kitchen appliances a rest.  Autumn begins the preparation of nature's slumber; leaves once green change colors and fall gently towards the ground; the once lush green grass changes color as it prepares for a winter's slumber; the colorful flowers of the landscapes change from bright and cool colors of pansies into the rustic and warm colors of mums.  Winter brings us the blanket to cover all of the sleeping landscape that once had colors of the rainbow; cold temperatures keep families snuggled in blankets and fires rage in the fireplace.

One thing I think about are the crickets.  As annoying as they are with their "song" filling the silence, I see them as a reminder that no matter how alone you might feel, they are there.  I am not sure if people remember watching Saturday morning cartoons, I have no doubt that you do.  Remember how when there is a moment of complete silence and being alone, the sound of crickets would fill the dim?  I felt that crickets got a bum rap when it came to being alone.

I guess my long rambling to this point is about how I have been feeling lately.  I have not been as much of a social butterfly on the ever so famous social site called Facebook.  I guess it is because I really have nothing witty and funny to share.  It might be because I am not really a popular person being sought out.  I was never the type of person that demanded constant attention, but this darn site with the constant updates on the "news feed wall" of everyone jumping in with sarcasm and witty things to say, even a few manage to share things about what they believe in, others share every thought or feeling, and there are the ones that post music videos of the music they want to hear and share.  Friends are usually willing to say something to everything when the desire arrives, but there are times that they choose to say nothing.  I seem to have cornered the market on saying something and hearing nothing in return.  This should not bother me so much, but lately, I feel it is.  It is my moment of sharing the cricket experience with everyone.

Maybe my blogging is pushing people away from connecting with me.  I could be sharing too much and leaving no room for people to comment.  Maybe I lack humor or a "wow" factor in my writing.  I have been told to my face conflicting things that range from being completely clueless and a confusing writer to a talented person that they enjoy what I share.  Views and perspectives are just that.  They will vary greatly.  Some say I share too much to not sharing enough.  I might have a catchy title, but fall short when it comes to what I am saying.  I have even been told that people might see me as a needy and insecure or as a joke.  I guess all I am trying to do is share thoughts and feelings, maybe even some hopes and dreams, but I see my blogging as a way to communicate with people and to get them to open up too.  I have my days of feeling like a butterfly trapped in a glass jar, flitting around, trying to break free and share the beauty of life, the feeling of hope, the understanding of another, and the freedom to expression.  I wonder why my deep thought scares people into silence, I guess I will never know, but I will remember that every time there is silence around me, I am never alone because I have the crickets to fill the dim.

My quiet moments building up to an honest moment...

If you have not noticed yet, I have been less than talkative these days.  My blogs are becoming more and more scarce, my posts on Facebook basically consist of game requests, and what I do happen to share is really nothing Earth-shattering.  I believe that I finally fell into the deep thought mode that makes me second guess everything I write and do.  

Just the other day, I had a curious moment that started as a comparison between being opinionated or being a skeptic.  Both are the similar, yet so different.  You have to be one to be the other.  Here is what I learned...

Opinionated people believe things are to be one way and will never question or sway from their decision.  Basically, it is a person who sees things as black or white with no gray areas.  Times might have changed, but what you believe is fact, never changes.  Skeptical people are serious doubters.  They tend to make their decision after all facts are presented and scrutinized to the nth degree.  You might see them as being a cynic.  In order to be one, you need to dabble in the other.  Skeptics are opinionated as well as opinionated are skeptics.  Deep thought like that can give a person a headache thinking about it.

After attending a recent hair show, I realized that I am more of an "old dog" that is less than likely to learn a "new trick" when it comes to how I handle my job.  Well, that and realizing that there is really nothing new when it comes to what is the current trend.

A recent walk-out at my current job was a large enough shock to make me question about my future.  Nope, I did not quit suddenly, but several of my fellow employees did.  I do wish them the best of luck in their new endeavor, they will be missed, but I feel as if our friendship is a little strained.  After losing a few of them as Facebook friends (by their choice only), it makes me wonder if friendships are really strong enough to weather any storm.

The current financial situation at home is still strained at the seams.  I have an opportunity to put in even more hours at my current job, but with some serious trust issues with the little one at home, I feel torn about doing more than what I am already doing.  With summer vacation nearing for DD, my presence is needed more than ever.  I am thinking that I might try to go the whole "flex scheduling" for the summer and then make a larger commitment at work once school is back in session.  Sadly, either way I go with this thought process, I am not guaranteed larger paychecks because my job is a commission paying job.

I have no doubt that my less than stellar act of not saying much on a social site has given me a less than warm feeling when I do share "what's on my mind" and there is nothing commented in return.  My feelings about Facebook has even become less about being social site, but a reenactment of the whole high school popularity contest.  I might get a "poke" here and there, maybe even a message, but the invites to events are getting less and less.  I know it is because I cannot afford to attend all the events.  Seeing a reply of "might attend" or "not attending" is a major factor to not getting invited to the next event.  Who knows... Maybe I am becoming a bit critical about it all... maybe I am not.  I do appreciate being thought of, though so thanks to all that think of me.  I guess I have not really figured out how to utilize the social site anyway.  Well, I was never one to strive to be the most popular one anyway, so this should not affect me so much, but it does.

I could also blame myself for my inability to share everything because I do happen to get criticized for every action and inaction I make.  I know I strive to make everyone happy.  I try so hard because I hate confrontation.  I have had my fair share of abusive situations and I understand the crippling fear of disappointment by ones we care about deeply.  I have had a few abusive relationships in my past.  Mainly, they were verbally abusive, but one wasn't.  I get reminded of it every time my back spasms.  I know that my past experiences have made me stronger, but it also makes me more cautious.   Everyone has had their fair share of pain in their life.  I know that I have, but when the pain and the memory are all that seems to pop up in my head, I know it is best to keep that to myself.  Nobody wants to hear about pain and strife.  I guess that is why I have been having a real long stretch of being quiet.  Yep, I can put a smile on my face through the pain, but it does not make it go away.

Old dog trying to learn new tricks...

Well, my weekend was filled with continuing education that is required by the state for my Cosmetologist (aka beautician's) license.  Never one to really complain about learning new things, I paid for my ticket and went.  Now, don't get me wrong, I understand that in a creative industry like I am in, there is always room for learning newer and more efficient techniques, but being in this business as long as I have... well, I think I have managed to see it all.  This year was to be different.  I decided to take a few classes that are supposed to help you become a money making machine, so to speak.  Basically, it is business classes for the service industry.  In fact, the major draw to go to these classes was because one of my favorite educators was teaching the class.  His name is Michael Cole.  Some of his work has graced various magazines and has been seen on the red carpet.  He is a really talented man in this industry and I figured if he can make it big, he just might have some ideas I never thought of in my dizziest days.....  Well, I was definitely taught something from that class and I am still trying to figure how to make it work during a financial crisis like the one we all have been feeling.  You see, in my line of work, getting your hair cut is the last thing on a person's list these days.  Money and time are the reasons people are getting their hair cut less and less often.  I don't work at the cheapest shop, but I am not at the most expensive either, so the competition is tough these days.

Most of the things he mentioned were those "ah ha" moments of where I just might be faltering, but there are some areas that just don't make sense to me.  The major one was "work smarter, not harder".  Hmmm...  "old dog" believes in hard work, "new trick" states to work smarter (aka sell your backside off with services and products that they did not think they wanted), "old dog" sees people struggling, "new trick" states that people really have the money to spend no matter how much they say they don't, "old dog" offers discounts and free add ons, and "new trick" says to always charge full price.  "Old dog" knows that people will go elsewhere for their haircut if it is cheaper, and somehow "new trick" thinks it is just fine that you lose some clients because of it.  Hmmm... in the "commission" world I work in, if there is no client... there is no work... there is no earnings.  Now, I agree that there comes a time when a person needs to stop giving things away and actually charge them full price, but how can a person believe that people will come back if your prices are no longer budget friendly to them?  Is the right time, now or when the economy finally is back on the rise and that unemployment level is low?  I am not sure that I can take that risk just yet.

Now, not to sound cynical.... well, maybe a little (wink, wink)...  It appears that this mentor that I have held in high regard  has changed his views over the years.  For when I asked about my concerns with how the economy has affected the volume of work presented, his reply was completely "text book", unfeeling and sent me on my way, which somehow that was just wrong to me.  It appears that my mentor has lost his compassion for others, in fact, he has not shared any of his skills when it comes to his stylist abilities or even any proof that his theory works.  It appears that in order to become successful during a financial crisis, you need to write a book about how to become successful; to have a plan and make it completely attainable for the low, low price of $85 if you order today because I gather that is working just well for him.  Hmmm...  I gather he never really thought beyond the old saying of, "in order to make money, you need to spend money", because if I had the money to spend, I just might have considered buying his book.  Then maybe I would understand his thought process better.  Since I do not have the available cash to toss to an overpriced book, I think I will just go to the library, find something similar, read it, and "tweak" it to making it more applicable to my line of work.  Potential savings... $85....  Proof of my theory that people are willing to seek other alternatives...  Obvious.  Sadly, he won't see that.  Maybe he doesn't because turning your back on the ones that stick by you is a good thing in his book.....  Or so he says...

Have a great day everyone :)

Well, how YOU doin'?

Well, today's blog actually had another title, but I thought calling it..."I did not need to see THAT" was a bit of a stretch... Well, maybe not...  Keep reading and you will see what I mean....

Yesterday, I decided to face the beast and step on the darn bathroom scale.  Yep, quite upsetting seeing the number go UP, so I dug deep in my soul to pull out my determination to NOT be lazy another day and actually hit the gym AND still do all of my usual running around.  I figured that extra exercise has to do something to change my mindset that I am cursed to constantly look like I just gave birth because I have not done that in a little over 11 years ago.  Well, I knew that once my mind heard the word "gym" be bounced around, my hip started to hurt a little.  Not enough to stop me from going, but just enough to get my attention that I should take it easy there, so I grabbed my swimsuit and went to the pool.  I figured doing exercises in the water would be less taxing on my back and hip.  I used to take water aerobics classes, so I know what exercises are done in the water and made up my own little routine of walking, hopping, twisting and such.  I even pulled out some water weights for additional resistance in some parts.  I watched the clock for each set of exercises.  Putting in an hour felt great until, that is, I got out of the pool.  Then, I felt like I was hit by a truck.

Now, I know I tend to have a tough look on my face when I am not smiling.  In fact, I can probably look a little intimidating if I want to, but once a person gets to know me, I am just a softy, sometimes sarcastic, cynical, or even a bit funny, but a softy nonetheless.  I am not sure how my outward appearance can attract anyone to even approach me, especially when I have my determined face on, but it happens from time to time.  Usually, it is from the type of guy that has an Axe to grind, you know...  a Soprano-esque wanna be tough guy.  Basically, a guy that acts tough, but is really just harmless.  Well, in the first 20 minutes of my workout, I get splashed by this guy diving in the pool and he swims over to the other side of the pool where I am treading to get to.  He pops up, looks at me, smiles and says, "How you doin'?".  My reply is my usual, "Just wonderful." and I keep on doing my workout.  After about 5 minutes of him floating around in the pool (not sure if he is still watching me because I tend to ignore people when I workout), he jumps out and leaves. He did make sure to make a big scene getting out of the pool in front of me with his toying around with his swim trunks, a stretch and a strut away.

I try to not be one to judge a person's clothing choice, but apparently this guy did not check to see if his pale yellow swim trunks were lined, because when lightweight, light colors get wet, they become see through,  Well, if you have not figured out by now... they weren't and they were definitely see through.  Not to call myself a prude, but seeing some dude's junk through his trunks is not my ideal thing to see any time of the day.  After he walked away proudly back to the locker rooms, all I could do is shake my head in disbelief, giggle and learn another interesting tidbit...  Having an ego that can make a room feel real stuffy is just that person's way of compensating for some less than big attributes...LOL.

Hey!  I could not help it.  Everyone has that inability to turn away from seeing a total train wreck in action...

I am taking the day off from the gym today to heal up a bit before doing any more.  Being up at 3am with a back spasm and that glorious ice pick feeling in my hip kind of made me too tired to go today, but I will be there tomorrow....  Have a great day everyone :)

The Phoenix is to rise from the ashes....

The Phoenix is an amazing mythical creature.  When it gets old and it is the time to die, it bursts into flames and becomes a pile of ashes, only to rise again as a youthful, strong phoenix again.  The cycle of life does have a beginning and an end, but there is always a new beginning waiting to rise up and take its place.

Have you ever thought of yourself as being a Phoenix?

I know, odd question.  Maybe I need to elaborate just a bit more.....

Ever had a huge challenge lay before you that you desire to achieve?  Look at it as a stage in your life, or as it is for the Phoenix, it is your life line.  I know I do.  It is....  Yep, gonna say it.... To lose some serious weight.  I know, I know....  I promised to not blog about my desire to get back down to my fighting weight, but today I let curiosity get the better of me and I stepped on that evil little thing....  My bathroom scale.  I thought that I was doing okay, but alas, I gained a couple more pounds.  I know what the culprit is, but I have not found a solution for it.  It is called balance.  When a person gives up one thing, we tend to find another thing to take its place.  Usually, it is something less damaging, I think, but I could be wrong.  It is like a reformed alcoholic becoming a serious coffee drinker and smoker; like a former smoker becoming overweight because food took the place of the cigarette.  Mine is being on a diet and exercise program that has one factor of a proper diet removed and replaced it with chocolate.  Yep, gave up bread for Lent and now craves chocolate all the time.  The desire to exercise has been put on perpetual hold due to a raging pain in my hip that decides to hurt once the desire to hit the gym arrives.  Instead of going for a walk, I sit my butt down and read a book.

Yep, I am that Phoenix.  Looking at the devastation of my failed attempts of losing weight.  The ashes and cinders of every successful sabotage of a healthier lifestyle.  I know that I have been eating right for the most part, but lacking the vision for portion control.  I have the energy to be more active, but have a stronger will to be lazy.  All I need to do now is step into the fiery pile, let it consume me and rise again as a stronger and more determined person.

I guess my thought of being a Phoenix can inspire you to be one too.  Maybe your challenge is different, maybe it is the same, but knowing that if you face the devastation, dive into the wreckage and let it become all that you see, it will consume you.  In the end, you will become that Phoenix that faces the flames and will rise above it all a stronger person for it.

May today be the day that you rise and conquer the flames of defeat to rise above it all with a new sense of hope and determination.  To never lay down and die, but to rise up and live life to the fullest.  As for me... I am grabbing my iPod and going to the gym... pain and all.

Perceptions, impressions, expectations, and twisted words...

Oh, to live a drama free life!!  I wish it was that easy....  Just a little annoyance from yesterday that has managed to affect me all day today....  Why would I let something as bothersome as a rumor affect my sunny disposition, you ask?  Well, as simple as it may seem on the surface, it seems to have some pretty deep roots that have managed to tangle into other annoyances that I just managed to push aside for far too long.  Somehow, that grain of sand has managed to become a mountain too tall to climb over, but I figured that I could at least try to chisel it down to a smaller and more manageable size by blogging my thought process about it.

Hmmm... Where to begin....  Okay... here goes....

Now, I understand that everyone is different.  Our thought process, our decisions, our feelings and our level of understanding is different.  We react differently when it comes to what we observe and experience.  I just wonder if people actually take the time to think about another's perspective of things.  You know...  actually think if their actions, or better yet, reactions are considered justified at all angles.

Here is the shortest version I can think of...

If a person that remains relatively reasonable when ignored or passed up for potential growth at their job gets an opportunity to actually have some work sent their way in a place filled with other people fighting to get more work gets a stab in the back...  Is it right to be a bit set off about it all?  Rumors are just that... rumors, but there seems to be a bit of a perception issue.  This rumor labeled a person as greedy.  Yep, I was called greedy for taking an appointment at work at a time when I had nothing on my book and ended up having 3 additional clients show up with no appointment that asked for me in addition to taking an appointment.  I was told by the receptionist that I could take that client since I had the least amount of work in my book, but later heard that since I took the appointment and booked it myself, I am greedy.  Apparently, since a few others had that same time open as me, I should not have been even considered.  Hmmm...  that sounds like there is an impression that I don't actually go into work every week to make a paycheck, but to just hang out and watch everyone else work.  Now, I do not expect to get every new client nor every client that is willing to go to just anyone, but it appears that there are others that have made that their God given right to have the expectations that they are entitled to have it all and nobody else and be quite vocal about it.  I just fear that expressing any feelings towards this rumor, allows me to fall victim of twisted words that were passed on through a few avenues because the person that basically was upset that I somehow became really busy for a few hours when they were not could be construed as something far worse than it really was.  Sadly, there is nothing I can do about it since I heard about it after the fact and I believe that if it was a real issue, I would have been confronted with this directly from the person who had the issue.  I could be wrong.  Maybe this person decided that their thought process was justified and that their actions, as hurtful as they were, is considered acceptable behavior if the tables were turned and found out that they were being called greedy behind their back since it is so easy to label me that.

I don't know why most issues stem from those four things...  Perception, impression, expectation, and twisting words.  Basically, it is just passing judgment before all angles of a situation or person we have been seen/met.  Yep, no matter how much we all deny it, we are judgmental creatures.  You can tell when it comes to what we choose in life...  We seek what we desire from what is on the surface; choosing of a person as a friend or foe or even a potential mate.  We size up people we come in contact with and decide if we are to be a subordinate to, an equal of, or be the dominate.  It is something you see in the wild, but you do see it in our day-to-day existence if you pay attention to it.  Maybe people tend to be oblivious to this and really do not put much effort in thinking things through to the point that if it was to happen to you, would you be accepting of it?  Think of it this way....  Getting slapped hurts more than giving the slap.... Food for thought.