I knew there would come a day that my job as a mother would come to an end. I know that I will always be a mom for DD, but she has taken on a big responsibility of her own. She became a mom. Yep, my baby girl is a mom to an adorable baby boy. The story of how she became a mother is quite the adventure, but not my story to tell. I can definitely say while this was a surprise and obviously not planned, it is truly a blessing nonetheless. My grandson is a real charmer! Yep, I am a grandmother at (cough, cough) 50.
What today's installment is about it how life manages to shift and change without respect of time needed to process to new stages of life. It feels like it was only yesterday that I was holding my baby girl in my arms. I remember telling her to never grow up so I don't ever have to face the day she becomes an adult and will start a life of her own. Regardless of her resistance to listening to what I say, she grew up..... way too fast for my liking, but she is a person I am proud of. She fought with me often, she tried my patience on multiple occasions, but I would never change a thing. Well, maybe some things, but having her in my life is not one of them. There were times I actually wished she would understand how hard it is to be a mother and understand why we do the things we do. I was just not prepared for her to become a mother now. I can agree with the phrase, "Man plans, God laughs", because I had big plans for her and he decided otherwise. I wanted her to follow the plans my mother laid out before me (get your life in order, get married, then have kids), sure it is traditional and what was expected in my mother's generation, but it still manages to make sense. Since that plan did not happen, DD has a tougher road to follow, but I still want to help her reach her goals regardless of the challenges she now has bestowed upon her. She has not finished college (she just started), has not started a career, and while I am aware of her boyfriend's proposal.... is not married. I am aware that in this day and age, it is not a requirement to be married to have a child, but it does offer some piece of mind that there is another person committed to a relationship and to the care of an innocent life. I know that DD's fiance' is a good guy. He is fully ensconced in the role of father, he is being financially supportive of my grandson, he is supportive of DD and her desire to finish college, and he loves her about as much as he loves his son (which is a lot).... it actually makes me a little jealous that she has such a supportive partner. DH is a good guy, but was not as involved in the day-to-day needs when DD was a baby. He was supportive, but there always seemed to be some kind of disconnect between them. I believed it is because DH is not one to share feelings while DD needed him to show more emotion.... to make a deeper connection. Thinking back, I can see that he tried, but at the time it did not feel like all that much. How sad is that? DH was not given credit for trying until now.
Given that the arrival of my grandson was considered not just a surprise, but a fast and furious adventure, so has the progression of things I am not prepared for. I was not exactly prepared to have a grandson, but here I am embracing it like a duck takes to water. I love that little nugget like if he was my baby. Yep, I do call him nugget. I have embraced having DD and the little nugget live with us. I knew they have been planning on moving out, but I thought I had more time. I was (and am) still not prepared for her leaving so soon. You see, my previous plans are still firmly in place in my mind. She has not finished her studies at the local college yet, so she would still live here. Then, her plans were to transfer to another college that would require her to move away for school and I get those random weekend visits that buries me in dirty laundry and an empty fridge. Once she finished with college, she would live with me for a while as she would find a job and get her future in order, then, she would move out. I figured I had at least another 4 or 5 years. After the announcement last night that an apartment was found, I get only another week or two to have her and the baby here. I am blessed to at least have some time with both my daughter and grandson under my roof, but I fear that once I am no longer so close.... I will no longer be needed and I won't get to see my baby's face every day, or even get to kiss the cheeks of my beautiful grandson when the need arises. I will miss hearing the sounds my grandson makes (even his gassy sounds) echoing in my home. I will be in a constant sense of unease because I cannot protect them from life outside my home. There is a lot of bad things happening out there and I want to keep them safe with me. I know I did a good job raising DD, or at least I believe I did the best I can do, but everything has happened so fast it is hard to let go and let my baby fly away from the nest.
After taking a moment to walk away and think about things, I realized that nobody is truly ever ready for big changes. Regardless of how aware we are that nothing is meant to stay forever, we never are prepared. There is never enough time. If we could have one more day, a week, a month, a year.... it still does not prepare us. Sure, we can come to terms with it, but it does not make it any easier when it happens. There will always be the need for just a little more time. I think the same goes for just about everything in life. Especially, when we place a value on it.
With all that in mind, I know it is necessary for DD to take the next step.... To build a life of her own with her fiance' and their son. It still does not make it any easier for me to embrace it. I was never ready the moment I held her in my arms.
Thanks for reading.
