At a crossroads.....

There comes a time in everyone's life when we have to make a tough decision based upon what we see are as facts, and more times than not, our decision becomes questioned at a later date.  Especially when you fear that history is repeating itself.  Almost like you will remain in a perpetual loop of facing this crossroads again and again until Karma, fate, or the boss up above, decide for you if you made the right choice.  Not exactly like having multiple do-overs, but hammering in a life lesson we seem to not be paying attention to.  I sometimes refer this to the let out leash being let out to yank me back when I try to venture beyond my allowed limits.  No matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I claw at the ground to claim just a little more ground or distance.... I get yanked back by my choices that managed to limit me without even realizing it.  Here is what I mean.....

With every change in job choices, I do my best to really think about where this job will take me and where I want to be in a few years.  Sure, the usual question by someone in the H.R. Department that does the initial interview of, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years". seems the most accurate description of my thought process every time I think about work.  Not really complaining about the effort that is necessary to get to where I need to be because I have a strong work ethic, but getting that assurance I am at least getting one step closer every day to my intended goal is important to me.  Knowing that my time is limited in my marriage is the driving force that pushes me even harder.  You see, DH made an announcement a couple of years ago that he wanted a divorce.  Of course, it was under the influence, but what he had said must hold a grain of truth.  Especially, when he tells me that he wanted to wait until DD was 18 to do so, tells me that this has been in the works for years.  Not denying that I have been thinking the same when I watch my married friends' marriage progress over the years and mine just can't seem to move from the starting block.  DH likes his friends more than me sometimes.  I know it is a bitter pill to take, but that is the conclusion I was given by his actions.  No matter how hard I have tried to change that, even I know that I can't change the situation.  I mean, sure, he loves me, but if he had a choice.... he would choose his friends over choosing me.  I grew up and mellowed out far faster than he ever imagined.  Especially, after DD was born.  My friends can attest that I just cannot go out whenever and even now... I rarely ever see my friends.  Sure, I would love to see them, but someone must be the responsible adult here and I take that seriously.  Regardless of the fact that DD is now a teenager, I have remained focused on what is important and the most important thing is family.  In roughly 18 hours after his announcement of his desire to part ways, he changed it to wanting to make this marriage work, thus we are still here and still together.  Of course, I left the effort firmly in his court since I told him I was damn tired of putting in all the effort and it was his turn to try.  To this day, we get along just fine, but I am not seeing all that much effort in growing our relationship.  I am still left with tending to more responsibilities and he still prefers to be king of the remote, sitting in his reclining throne every weekend.  It is what it is.....

Now, back to this crossroads....  My last job lasted seven years, and not all of them were happy ones.  I am not sure if my competence threatens my employer, or fellow coworkers, but I have been held back from my potential.  Sure, in my line of work, I am working with other goal minded women seeking to be successful in our commission based job that works with people in the image and beauty industry.  Simply put, we only get paid for what we accomplish and repeat business is necessary.  What we put in should be what we get out of the job and only we can make a living or break it through our own efforts or non-efforts.  There is a very fine line between love of the job and love of money.  I happen to believe in the statement that, "if you do what you love... you will never work a day in your life."  I do love what I do, and I do love to earn money, but I will never compromise my talents and reputation on someone that decides on a whim to do something that is potentially damaging to their hair.  I feel that education is important, and educating the client is just as important.  In the end, it is up to the client to make the decision, but I want to make sure that they are making an educated one.  In my last job, I was told I talk too much, I was passed up on opportunities for growth, and I felt that more times than not.... I was left in the shadows.  Of course, when they were in a bind.... I was the first one they called for me to do the work that nobody else wanted to deal with.  Opportunities outside of the workplace were being taken away because it all came down to money.  Heck, my last day of work, I watched the alienation that I have suffered through for seven years progress even more.  I was being told, without words, that I was just not meant to ever fit in, and that hurt so much.  Of course, I refused to let the depressive feelings stop me from picking myself up and trudging onward with my goal held snugly to my chest.

When I started working at another place, I knew that being "the new girl" was going to be hard.  I have done it before and the only way that I handle that is to keep to my head down and do my best.  I of course, would take in my new surroundings and see the dynamic of the workplace and its workers.  In every business, there are alliances and cliques.  Who are the movers and shakers and who are the ones to look out for that love drama.  Of course, both categories are very similar.  I look for opportunities to build my brand (that is just another word for business), and I seem to look for learning experiences in how these people have managed to build client relations as strong as they have.  You see, I ended up losing almost all my clients from the last place I worked.  It is a common practice to not inform clients where their hairdresser went to if the hairdresser did not contact them and the last place I worked, did not allow me to keep my own client records.  I was under the watchful eye of my boss back then and if I even tried to make a client card, it was taken away.  I didn't have a chance.  Fortunately, I had some client cards of clients that followed me from the last place I worked and they have remained true.  Well, after roughly six months at my new place, I saw who was the drama maker, the mover and shaker, and the trouble maker.  I also saw who was unmotivated and who gave up on trying anymore.  I watched my boss give opportunity and take it away and that was when I saw the crossroads coming towards me.

Over the past week, I thought I had a plan of what I wanted to do.  The opportunities that were presented to me were good, but not great.  My client base was growing and I was starting to feel that I can stick it out here, that my goals had a better chance here than where I was.  I was starting to find my footing even with those that did not have the same work ethic as I happen to have.  The drama maker was becoming less of a thorn in my side, the trouble maker appeared to be less obvious in my line of sight, and the unmotivated's behavior was becoming easier to ignore.  I was finding my niche and felt secure in my work space.  That is, until I watched a client of mine be shuffled off to another that, I was under the impression was not certified to do, suddenly being certified.  That first lie from my boss really stung and had me questioning everything.  Then, after spending a whole day with virtually nothing to do, no walk-ins, no phone calls for appointments.... I was faced with an opportunity that I did not feel was worth the risk.  A client deciding, on a whim, to to a complete transformation that would require bleaching out their hair to the shade of white and re-color it in tones of purple and grey.  Sure, I could have done it, but the integrity of the hair was in question and so was the knowledge that the salon did not have the grey color in stock.  I know that I am good, but I can't match what the client wanted with the supplies that were available to me.  I had to inform this client's interpreter (yes, she did not speak English) of these things because a picture on Pinterest is not what it seems.  Especially, in the day and age of filters on cameras.  In order to detract this person from making a grave mistake, I informed them of the risks and the starting cost, because there were going to be multiple services being done to achieve what they wanted.  My boss, who was getting ready to leave for the day, kept pushing for this to be done, saying it can be done and if she was not needing to leave for the day.... she would do this herself.  When the potential client decided to think about it and left, I was yelled at for not taking the job.  That it was to make not just me, but her money.  That was when my questioning ways came back and had me wondering..... does this salon not care about it's reputation?  Does money trump everything?  I guess it does.... to a point, but is it really worth charging someone a minimum of $200 for 4 hours of  what can be labeled as a corrective coloring process that requires maintenance when the person asking for this service really has no intentions of maintaining it?  Heck, she did not want to have her hair cut after knowing the damage that lighteners can do to hair and to turn dark brown (almost black hair) to white in order to color it purple and grey.  Heck, these crazy party colors that people want either never come back because they can't afford to maintain them or they found someplace else to put them back to their natural shade when they tire of the look.  I had one that tried to get back to their natural color for a job prospect and colors like blue, purple, green, and pink don't ever go away without massive breakage or an undertone left behind.  It was a guarantee that this was not going to be a repeat client since there was a language barrier.  I have done enough to guarantee that was the case, but I was still given the feeling that I just don't have the drive to make it in her salon.  I know she won't fire me because I am more reliable than her little pet that she gave one of my clients to and smoothed it over with a lie, but is my future growth as secure as I thought it would be?

Now, I am at the crossroads again over my job choice.  Should I stay or should I go?  I see potential if I am given the chance, but because I basically talked a client into thinking about such a huge and expensive change not being the best choice and that put the target on my back where my boss is concerned.  Will she still offer opportunities my way since the clients I already have can't seem to bring in the referrals I need?  Can I find a way to promote myself further with basically no money available beyond hoping that word of mouth can do for me?  Do I need to change jobs and hope that the next place will be better for me, regardless of the odds that it will probably be the same or worse since my track record of finding a fair chance is slim to none?  Do I really want to leave this boss in a lurch since I already do more for her than most?  Or no matter what I do is going to be wrong and I get to go through bad experience after bad experience until I finally get it right?  Or do I just conform yet again for years to appease others and not feel secure in my future?  I would really like some feedback because I am really at a loss here.  Thanks for reading.....