Sure, I can blame it on the dreaded "M-word" (menopause), but I just cannot deny that my need to cry at kindness is because I rarely get kindness offered willingly to me without asking for it. It is not like I go seeking for acceptance, recognition, appreciation or praise for what I try to do, but it is nice to have someone actually offer a tidbit of those things to me. I am not saying that I do get the occasional "thanks" for things I do around the house, but in the manner of which it is presented to me is obviously done in such an empty way that it does not feel really genuine to me anymore. It is kind of saying something so often that it loses its meaning after a while. Best example is someone saying the words, "I love you".
We all love. It is comes in varying degrees with different meanings. Love is a difficult word to define because love is not exactly a constant thing. We can love someone, but not like them very much. Heck, we can love someone and in that same thought lack respect for them or even fear them. The definition of love is a strong affection towards, but we all tend to believe that it is the highest level of like there is. Now, with love, the definition to what allows you to feel love is as individual and different as there are people in the world. What I am getting at is what tells you that you are loved. If we all remember those little cartoons in the Sunday newspaper that was titled, "Love is..." with the little naked characters can tell you anything is that love means a lot of little things adding up, like, "Love is..... telling her she is pretty", or "Love is.... cooking her a meal". While those little snippets of what love is a part of it... it does not encompass the depth of actions to feelings. It is the actions without being asked that become those signs that you are loved. Not all actions are seen or recognized as acts of love.
I have been married for over 20 years now, and those little snippets of what love is gets lost because it loses its value over time. DH does say he loves me. Every day, before leaving for work or ending a call with me... he will say, "love ya". While I know in that aspect he loves me, it does not exactly solidify that there is any depth beyond the token phrase said to me. Sadly, when I know he is mad at me... he manages to not say those words. Does it hurt when that happens? It sure does, but not as much as it used to because that little act seems to have lost its value over time. There have not really any supporting acts to support that the level of love we have is growing or evolving. Sure, DH works hard at his job to provide for us, or that he proudly takes on the chore of vacuuming the carpets for me every week, but is that enough to show he really cares? Especially, when I do more and get less appreciation?
When it comes to love, there is a level of want or desire and not in a sexual way. The ability to do things because you want to and not because you were asked to. That level of paying attention to another person and their needs is what I am getting at. It has nothing to do with gifts. It is about an emotional need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a helping hand to lift you up, a desire to do something just because it is the nice thing to do. It is known that happiness comes from within and to achieve happiness, you have to do it alone, but it is nice to make a little time to emotionally support the one you say you love. Sadly, it has appeared that DH is not all that interested in this showing of love. He seems perfectly happy having the blinders on and is only focused on his happiness, but I have to admit that he was always that way. It is not his fault for being this way, but it is mine for expecting him to change. But when he does decide to step up..... I am in awe. It is a very rare occurrence, but when it does.... I feel very blessed. I just wish he would want to offer more without having me ask for it.
Another part of love is believing. Believing in another and their abilities. Being the one that cheers you on to try, to do, to achieve great things, but also pulls you up when you fall and reminds you that it will be alright. When it comes to DD and DH.... I am the one that holds all the believing cards. I have faith in my family where I should just back off and let them be, but I know that there is greatness within them. Not too much believing is on their part, though. I try so hard to support their dreams that I have managed to lose mine in the process. I think that is where most of my emotional waterworks comes from these days. I have lost my value to supporting theirs. I cannot blame them because I tend to do that to a lot of people. Friends, family, clients.... the list goes on. I have devalued myself in order to give value to others that need it as much as I do.
I am generous to a fault and it is destroying me. Just recently, I was told that I have value... that I matter. That there is greatness within me that I can achieve things that I have been struggling to achieve for years. That help is willingly being offered to me to do just that. I was told not to cry and I did the best that I could to hold the tears back. Those tears were not in sadness, but in thankfulness that I mattered. Then, it all came crashing to me that my emotional overflow is not just a hormone imbalance.... it is relief. Relief that there is good in the world, relief that I am not alone, relief that I can heal. Sure, there will be times that I will cry from pain and sadness, but there is another reason and that reason is not a bad one. Getting in touch with my feelings is growth and from growth is possibilities.
Thanks for letting me share this with you today. I hope you find meaning behind the emotions you are feeling.
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