My emotional side.....

Every person is afflicted with emotions from time to time.  I, on the other hand, seem to be afflicted a bit more often, or just lets say.... a bit more than the average in strength.  I guess what I am getting at is I can easily start crying on the smallest of kind gestures.  Just hearing that someone wants to help me can set me on an emotional journey that includes a very high probability that I will "cry ugly" in front of you. 

Sure, I can blame it on the dreaded "M-word" (menopause), but I just cannot deny that my need to cry at kindness is because I rarely get kindness offered willingly to me without asking for it.  It is not like I go seeking for acceptance, recognition, appreciation or praise for what I try to do, but it is nice to have someone actually offer a tidbit of those things to me.  I am not saying that I do get the occasional "thanks" for things I do around the house, but in the manner of which it is presented to me is obviously done in such an empty way that it does not feel really genuine to me anymore.  It is kind of saying something so often that it loses its meaning after a while.  Best example is someone saying the words, "I love you".

We all love.  It is comes in varying degrees with different meanings.  Love is a difficult word to define because love is not exactly a constant thing.  We can love someone, but not like them very much.  Heck, we can love someone and in that same thought lack respect for them or even fear them.  The definition of love is a strong affection towards, but we all tend to believe that it is the highest level of like there is.  Now, with love, the definition to what allows you to feel love is as individual and different as there are people in the world.  What I am getting at is what tells you that you are loved.  If we all remember those little cartoons in the Sunday newspaper that was titled, "Love is..." with the little naked characters can tell you anything is that love means a lot of little things adding up, like, "Love is..... telling her she is pretty", or "Love is.... cooking her a meal".  While those little snippets of what love is a part of it... it does not encompass the depth of actions to feelings.  It is the actions without being asked that become those signs that you are loved.  Not all actions are seen or recognized as acts of love.

I have been married for over 20 years now, and those little snippets of what love is gets lost because it loses its value over time.  DH does say he loves me.  Every day, before leaving for work or ending a call with me... he will say, "love ya".  While I know in that aspect he loves me, it does not exactly solidify that there is any depth beyond the token phrase said to me.  Sadly, when I know he is mad at me... he manages to not say those words.  Does it hurt when that happens? It sure does, but not as much as it used to because that little act seems to have lost its value over time.  There have not really any supporting acts to support that the level of love we have is growing or evolving.  Sure, DH works hard at his job to provide for us, or that he proudly takes on the chore of vacuuming the carpets for me every week, but is that enough to show he really cares?  Especially, when I do more and get less appreciation?

When it comes to love, there is a level of want or desire and not in a sexual way.  The ability to do things because you want to and not because you were asked to.  That level of paying attention to another person and their needs is what I am getting at.  It has nothing to do with gifts.  It is about an emotional need, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a helping hand to lift you up, a desire to do something just because it is the nice thing to do.  It is known that happiness comes from within and to achieve happiness, you have to do it alone, but it is nice to make a little time to emotionally support the one you say you love.  Sadly, it has appeared that DH is not all that interested in this showing of love.  He seems perfectly happy having the blinders on and is only focused on his happiness, but I have to admit that he was always that way.  It is not his fault for being this way, but it is mine for expecting him to change.  But when he does decide to step up.....  I am in awe.  It is a very rare occurrence, but when it does.... I feel very blessed.  I just wish he would want to offer more without having me ask for it.

Another part of love is believing.  Believing in another and their abilities.  Being the one that cheers you on to try, to do, to achieve great things, but also pulls you up when you fall and reminds you that it will be alright.  When it comes to DD and DH....  I am the one that holds all the believing cards.  I have faith in my family where I should just back off and let them be, but I know that there is greatness within them.  Not too much believing is on their part, though.  I try so hard to support their dreams that I have managed to lose mine in the process.  I think that is where most of my emotional waterworks comes from these days.  I have lost my value to supporting theirs.  I cannot blame them because I tend to do that to a lot of people.  Friends, family, clients.... the list goes on.  I have devalued myself in order to give value to others that need it as much as I do.  

I am generous to a fault and it is destroying me.  Just recently, I was told that I have value... that I matter.  That there is greatness within me that I can achieve things that I have been struggling to achieve for years.  That help is willingly being offered to me to do just that.  I was told not to cry and I did the best that I could to hold the tears back.  Those tears were not in sadness, but in thankfulness that I mattered.  Then, it all came crashing to me that my emotional overflow is not just a hormone imbalance.... it is relief.  Relief that there is good in the world, relief that I am not alone, relief that I can heal.  Sure, there will be times that I will cry from pain and sadness, but there is another reason and that reason is not a bad one.  Getting in touch with my feelings is growth and from growth is possibilities.

Thanks for letting me share this with you today.  I hope you find meaning behind the emotions you are feeling.

Fact Finding Missions.....

So many opinions are out and being shoved down the the metaphorical throats of anyone remotely curious about things is so commonplace, it is darn near impossible to decipher fact from fiction these days.  I guess this blog entry is something I have been pondering for quite a while and I wonder if others feel the same way that I do.....

Recently, I have been paying a little more attention to what is affecting my personal little bubble.  There have been a few discoveries that are not all that new and shocking, but have had me wonder about them nonetheless.  With this interest in seeing information, I took it upon myself to do a little search online and as the saying goes..... "A few clicks on Google can make you go from curious to fearful.  Sites like WebMD, can make an insignificant ache or pain become something terminal.  And, if you wonder if you are doing something right, you can be told at least a dozen (if not more) ways how wrong you could possibly be."

Yep, I have been swallowed down the rabbit hole of conflicting information via the internet.....

Here is one story that managed to explode before I could reign in all the conflict in my mind.  Heck, it has taken me about 4 months to come to this point to even consider sharing this.  So, lets begin....

After making the mistake of forgetting to get my annual flu shot (yes, I am aware that in the world of percentages, the flu shot is basically considered non-essential in prevention of the flu), I became another statistic of getting the dreaded and feared illness.  Trust me, I did not enjoy the experience one bit, but the forces that be decided that I shall be slapped silly with the sickness stick, and slapped hard is what it was.  I have dealt with stomach issues that had me believe that I should be so thin that I am transparent by now.  Of course, that is not the case.  My fat cells have other plans for me.  Plans that I am not so thrilled about.

With the truth in the number on my bathroom scale, as well as how I look in the mirror... I have a very long road ahead of me.  I decided that I need to make the necessary changes.  Well, the changes have been the only constant I have managed to stick to.  I cook healthier meals for my family and for their specific health restrictions.  DH has Atrial Fibrillation and as a side.... he has cholesterol issues to deal with.  Of course, this is difficult enough to find recipe ideas for a fully grown man that has a picky eating palate of a 4 year old!  That man would live on pizza, sausages, burgers and cheese if he could.  Green vegetables are not welcome and fruit makes him run in another direction.  Anything in the realm of a salad will only consist of lettuce (which he will allow), black olives and cheese.  Salad dressings are a no-no in his world.  His constant reminder that "fish are friends and not food" from the movie Finding Nemo tells me that all forms of seafood will never pass his lips.  His list of approved foods is a lot easier to remember than this expansive list of what he will never consider trying.  Believe me, I watched him inspect the weekly grocery list as well as watch with a critical eye what is put in the shopping cart every week.  Since he is the one buying the groceries... I must comply within the limitations set before me; to make healthy meals from the approved list of foods he will eat.  Trust me.... it is really hard to find recipes that fulfill the requirements bestowed upon me.  But yet, here I am at least making a difference, albeit a small one.  What I have made so far has been a hit or miss experience, but at least what I do make tastes better than hospital food and that is saying something!

With the added stress of taking care of my family, I have developed some health issues of my own.  According to my doctor, I suffer from a silent form of GERD (acid reflux) that has me feeling quite sluggish and sick.  This form of GERD does not give a person the normal feeling of heartburn, but a sneaky set of symptoms that appear as something completely different.  Who knew that a tight feeling in my lungs with a constant need to cough is a symptom of GERD?  How about the feeling like I have something constantly caught in my throat that makes it hard to swallow?  How about feeling like you have post nasal drip with no sinus congestion?  Little did I know that these are symptoms of acid reflux and the damage it is wreaking on my esophagus.  Only took me to see the doctor to have them check me over with the added expense of getting a chest x-ray to come to the conclusion that I am suffering from GERD.  No cough suppressant will calm my coughing jags that make me dizzy and lightheaded.  No antibiotic to cure the itchiness in my chest or cure the feeling of a post nasal drip infection heading for my lungs.  Nope.  I need to change my diet, increase my activity level and avoid foods that will trigger heartburn.  Oh, and a little purple pill that slows down my stomach acid making abilities.

With the research I have started doing in my free time, I have read at least a dozen articles relating to proper eating and what is seen as a proper diet in order to lose weight.  Then, there were the additional clicks to figure an answer to the great debate over organic vs GMO.  Then, the other great debate over getting essential nutrients from foods vs adding supplements.  Then, there is the food pyramid and the expectations that gets bestowed upon us.  Then, there is the healthy weight ranges, BMI, and expectations/adjustments according to gender and age.  Of course, there is that interest in those different diets and how so many people believe one diet is better than the others with their reasons why.  That being fat is not exactly our fault, but genetics and how our world has created an obese society through convenience foods, processed foods, sugars, and artificial sweeteners.  Then, of course, we need to take into consideration that only certain exercises are effective on creating lean muscle, but according to specific body types.... not all exercises are created equal.  Is walking really better than running?  Is weight lifting really necessary to lose weight?  And the icing on the cake.... how long and how often should you be active according to what you eat.  You know that little gem, right?  That one piece of cake requires 2 hours on a treadmill to burn off or something along those lines?  To track or not to track what you eat.... is it more important to focus on calories or fat?  Or is it carbs vs sugars since both do the same thing in the end, right?  Then there is the water debate.  How much is really ideal for weight loss.... is it 8 glasses a day or is it necessary to figure the number through current weight and desired pounds to lose.  If it is the latter, then I guess food will never pass my lips, I think.  Of course, I could go and look into the juicing cleanses and smoothies debate, but lets be real here.... isn't it better to chew your nutrients than puree them?  I believe you burn more calories if you chew, but apparently our bodies are so lazy that they cannot absorb the nutrients unless we turn it into liquid form... is that right?  Heck, my latest find on the internet is that the foods we deem healthy are not really healthy at all, and need to find some obscure food I know I will never find in my grocery store, but if I wanted to go an easier route.... I could just pay for a supplement I could swallow every day for the low, low price of $69.95... no, wait.... just buy it in bulk and save $20 a bottle.  Can you see how I am getting a little confused and jaded?  I mean, the list can go on and on.  Fresh vs prepackaged is another route I have not ventured into yet.  You know the cost of getting healthy is getting up there. Shall I go to meetings that shame me into hating food that tastes good?  Or shall I have my choices taken away with some prepackaged space food that gets delivered to my door?  I can only guess why people are so freaked out these days is because there are so many compelling arguments that sway us to believe in certain things.  If I keep this up, you will find me in my closet with a tin foil hat on my head, muttering that the sky is really falling.

I guess what I am getting at is there's no right or wrong answer.  Only perceptions of what everything could be.  While I know that I won't get any thinner with the route I am taking, I am also beginning to embrace the concept that this is who I am and I need to be okay with it.  Make reasonable changes to see if it is for me and for the long haul.  I am not supposed to live forever, and no matter what I do won't change that. Do I want to look like I did in my 20's?  Sure, but if I have to lose my mind to get there???  Not so much.  Do I have to know everything?  Not really.  Ignorance is bliss and all that.  I suppose I just need to find my happy and accept that this is who I am.  If I can fix this stupid GERD and that darn tickle cough that makes me dizzy... I would be golden!

Ah.... enough for today.  Thanks for reading and maybe I will share with you again real soon.

Take care!!

I know it is not just me, but it feels like it is.....

It's December 1st.  We all know that it is the time for the Christmas holiday.  Stores have had the displays up for over a month, Christmas songs have started making their rotation on the radio, and social media has started blowing up with countdowns until Santa comes to town.  It does seem that retail stores are pushing the Christmas theme earlier every year.  Especially, when you happen to see a few stores putting up their decorations before Halloween and "Black Friday sales" are starting on a Monday.  Heck, these "Black Friday deals" with some of these places extend it to multiple days in a row, and no longer that exclusive day after Thanksgiving.  Still, there are people lacking that holiday spirit when deep discounts come to light.  Especially, when push comes to shove, literally, over that last $100 TV or all-the-rage toy on the shelf.

While businesses push to remind people that the holidays were "just around the corner" a couple months ago, I still have not exactly found the excitement of the upcoming events......

Usually, the day after Thanksgiving, I would go deep into the crawlspace of my home and drag out the Christmas decorations while DH would pull out the ladder and strings of outdoor lights to make our home look festive.  For years, I had the Christmas holiday excitement running through my veins.  While I may have dreaded shopping (hated it back then and I still loathe it now), I at least was pounding with the desire to get the holidays started.  Now, it has been over a week since Thanksgiving and I just do not have that holiday energy to decorate the house.  DH stopped bothering to decorate the outside with lights for about 5 years now.  After the third vandalism in three consecutive years event towards our outdoor Christmas decorations, he decided to stop trying.  That carrying all the holiday cheer and excitement rested firmly upon my shoulders.  Since I don't do ladders, I will decorate the inside of the house.  Apparently, all by myself.... on my day off.  Last year, it took me a while to force myself into the Christmas spirit.  And this year it is getting a little harder to do just that.  Heck, I did not host Thanksgiving in my house this year.... and I have been happily hosting that holiday for years.  I cooked a smaller version of the Thanksgiving feast just for DH, DD, and myself.  Oh, and just so you know.... Doesn't matter if you cook for 3 or 33.... it still takes a good chunk of the day.

So here I am.  I have a day off from work and the house to myself.  Knowing that it would be easy, yet a total pain to my back to get the Christmas decorations done.... I have more interest in watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix and playing games on my Kindle.  Of course, if I did not have those couple things to distract me, I do have dishes to wash because nobody in my home is willing to step up and help around here.  Funny thing.... I realized I just sounded like my mother for a moment there.  "nobody willing to help".... ha ha ha ha ha!!!  More like nobody cares to step up and be helpful.  They have friends to hang out with and better things to do than help clean around here.  And really.... it appears I live to serve 24/7 and have no life, or they believe there is some magical fairy that appears only on my days off from work to clean and do laundry (spoiler alert: it is me).  Of course, I apparently happen to be the only one that can cook around here and that the idea of eating out from time to time is totally appalling.... like it is against nature to allow me to be served food prepared by someone else in their presence.  Beyond all the distractions in my wheelhouse (like taking the time to blog about it), I am just not all that excited about the holidays anymore.

I know I am not alone.  There are people that wait until the very last moment to get their gift shopping done.  I just wonder.... am I the only one that is not all that thrilled to decorate their house for the holidays?  I just do not have all that much interest in pulling our decorations that stay up for about a month, just to take them down again.  Especially, when I am the only one doing the work.  Am I the only one that is not all that excited to buy gifts and wrap them when their "shiny newness" wears off in a day or two after it is opened?  I stopped sending out Christmas cards just for the fact that while I appreciate being thought of, it just ends up being another piece of paper that gets thrown in the trash?  Heck, just spending for postage one something that gets thrown away makes me throw up in my mouth just a little.  Especially, with the budget that I am allowed to have.  Am I not the only one that is not all that thrilled about the winter season because of the mounds of snow I get to shovel in my foreseeable future?  I don't mind the cold so much with those frequent hot flashes I suffer from, but snow?  That is a curse word in my book!  Especially, since I apparently do a fair share of shoveling that garbage every year.

I know that I have tried to spark that interest in this holiday season that always managed to be one of my favorites as a child.  This year,  I went and spent a large amount of money in getting DH his gift.  I gave it early because I thought I was going to do the usual entertaining at Thanksgiving and his recliner chair had seen better days and needed to be replaced.  Heck, I called it his "ABC gift", which meant it was his anniversary, birthday AND Christmas gift all rolled into one.  I know that I will be forgotten this Christmas by DH.  He hates shopping more than I do.  I believe the last gift he actually bought for me was 12 years ago.  It was a snow globe and I still have it.  What he does now is hand me $100 and tells me to buy my own Christmas gift with it.  Not exactly all that special since I end up using it to buy something like some socks and underwear that comes to about $20 and I spend the remaining $80 on him and DD.  I guess I hoped he would take the time to think of me when selecting a gift.... for me.  Apparently, I have not been thought of much lately and I am now starting to feel the painful sting of not being appreciated.  I wonder.... does this happen after 19 years of marriage?  Or is it just me?

I do know that a little of my lackluster attitude is not from being lackluster.  It is from being tired.  So, so very tired.  The holiday crunch is coming at work and I will be looking forward to all those last minute requests to get their hair done and the extension of my working hours to accommodate them.  Then, I get to pile on the housework, cooking and holiday shopping and it will take me another month to take down the decorations that I have been procrastinating on getting done today.  So.... is it just me that lacks this holiday excitement/energy?  Or am I not alone?

Well, I guess I will try to at least muster up the will to get the Christmas tree out from the crawlspace today.  Maybe, I will have it up by this afternoon.  Not all that confident to make my living room a winter wonderland of Christmas wonder, but a decorated tree should be enough, right?  Thanks for reading.  Have a great day!

Well, that's new.... Didn't care for it.... Now, take it back....

I happen to be a woman at a certain age that is going through a certain situation that all women do eventually get to experience.  Some earlier than me, some later than me, but most right around my age.  That thing is Menopause.  Am I proud to say that I am going through Menopause?  Not exactly, but it has come to my attention, rather harshly in fact, that while I am one in probably a millions of women... I feel the need to share the true level of energy it takes to appear the calm, cool, and composed person with a wicked sense of sarcasm that those that know me as. 

Now, I happen to be married to a mechanic and he is brilliant at being a mechanic.  What he manages to understand about the workings of a car astounds me, but when it comes to understanding the makings of a woman in Menopause, he does not have a clue.  Not all that sure if all men lack the understanding of what Hell a woman goes through when going through a midlife change/crisis, but I am figuring out that some situations are getting better to explain to DH when I am far too exhausted to hide my symptoms.

While every woman feels different experiences, some remain true and are relate-able, so here is my current list of events for this woman going through her "change"....

Hot Flashes:  That feeling like you are going to suddenly "catch fire".  That little ball of sunshine that regulates your comfort level suddenly becoming faulty and overheating you to a point that air conditioning in winter is not exactly a bad thing.  AKA "broken thermostat".

Mood swings:  Extreme switches in feelings and reactions to those feelings for no apparent reason.  What once never bothered you, now makes you want to scream and yank your hair out.  While men have been primed for a mood swing here and there (usually every 28 days or so), it is now more frequent and more volatile.  That urge to roll your eyes and shrug things off now are replaced with the need to swing, fling, or slam things, followed by less than positive words and in a very colorful way (swearing) and a flood of tears.  While these are more likely going to be controlled by leaving the room for long periods, and constant reminders to "mind our manners", it is quite exhausting and there will be times that our ability to reign it in will fail.  AKA "blown a gasket".

Weight gain, wrinkles, hair issues, memory loss, lack of energy, itchy skin:  When the body changes and the loss of estrogen, a whole myriad of things happen.  We gain weight and while we seem to be perpetually on a diet... winning the war on weight is extremely hard and agreeing that we look fat in an outfit will award you getting hit with the first thing we can lay our hands on, followed by tears (see blown gasket).  Our skin dries out and there is not enough lotion to bring back the collagen we lose as we age that gives us wrinkles.  Of course, there is a whole other issue that our skin will get itchy in places we cannot reach.  Of course, the sweating (see broken thermostat) brings just aggravates the itching issue and sets us right in the path of a mood swing (see blown gasket).  While going grey is a sign of age, the newly sprouting hairs on places is not a coming of age thing.  If you see a hair on the chin or lip, please avoid making a comment about it.  We are aware and are trying to rectify this situation with tweezers or frequent visits to the salon for waxing.  Jokes about "growing a beard or mustache" will land you right back in the land of mood swings and the reactions could become dangerous.  With the last two things listed (memory loss and lack of energy), memory loss should relieve the stress of forgetting the same thing if it happens at the same time, but lack of energy can be eased by putting in a little extra effort and having a little more compassion/understanding.  Our minds are filled with enough volatile mood swings and all of our energy is being used up to contain most (if not all) outbursts and effort to at least do the best we can to retain enough of our "A" game to do all that cooking, cleaning, and whatnot you have come to expect.  While we will most likely miss the mark in being perfect, take note that we are putting in our best efforts.  AKA "reaching classic antique status with a painfully dry undercarriage".

Loss/lack of sleep:  As a young child, we hated taking naps.  Getting well over 8 hours of sleep a night AND have an afternoon nap just screamed "BORING" to any kid.  As we got older, we were primed to pull an "all-nighter" and still be able to function.  Then, as we get even older... that longing to take a nap rears it's head.  Sadly, I have had a hard time figuring the reason I cannot sleep soundly for more than 2 hours at a time when it comes to this Menopause thing.  Regardless, I am not exactly as patient of a person as I was and I am attributing this to not getting enough sleep.  While I can call this a mechanic's "AKA" of it being... "leaving the lights on", a "dead battery", or a "worn out alternator".... it does make a mainline back to "blown gasket".

Now, I have recently experienced a new symptom to me and probably not a new one to some (if not most).....  Night sweats.  Whew!  Talk about a nasty predicament!  Can't even enjoy my sporadic 2 hour intervals of sleep at night.  Especially, when any sense of a blanket makes me sweat, but freezes me just as fast with the fan I have blowing on me to regulate the more frequent hot flashes that strike me at night.  That constant changing of my nightclothes is making laundry a bit much, too.  Not a big fan of this and knowing I could be suffering years of this is going to really blow a gasket to insurmountable levels.  Now, this is well beyond a "broken thermostat" and well into the realm of a "busted radiator".  I just wonder.... where can I return these gifts from Mother Nature?  I'd like to go back to that calm, cool, witty, and sarcastic woman I was not so long ago.

Well, I gotta go for now.  My phone pinged that I need to step on the blasted bathroom scale and see if there is a loss this week and celebrate or I gained and I get to wallow in a little pity party before I tackle all the chores nobody seems to feel the need to help me with.  Fingers crossed it is a celebration day.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

I'm sorry.... broken

I have always believed that I am a fairly rational person that will go out of their way for others.... especially, my family.  I tend to be a little more understanding and sympathetic to their plights, which end up making me put in even more effort to at least make their lives a little easier, but manage to take a little pieces of me with it.  Here are some examples.....

I cook meals to feed my family since nobody here seems to either know how to cook or they just refuse to put in the effort.  Regardless of the fact that, I am asked countless times, "what is for dinner", and "When is dinner going to be ready.... I am starving!  I will wither away to dust if I get any hungrier".  While DD has offered to help with cooking from time to time, I have to at least give her credit for putting in an effort.  As for DH?  Well..... let's just say.... It takes me losing my collective (expletive) for him to consider going to the store and get a frozen pizza to put in the oven.  Of course, I forgot to mention that I had a fever of 102 and was woken up from being asleep to ask me when I was going to start making dinner..... twice!  So, every day I make sure I am home to cook dinner, and when I have to take a late appointment at work.... I create a gap in my day to run home, cook dinner and return to work so I don't get nagged about dinner when I do get home.  My Saturdays consist of not taking a break to rest my weary feet and back when I get home because once I walk in, I am walking straight into the kitchen to get dinner started.  At least I am allowed to drop my purse and take my coat off (if I am wearing one), but to sit down and just take a break?  Nope, gotta feed the family.  No offers of help, oh, and no offers to do the dishes afterwards either.... I get to clean up after cooking.  I usually get the empty spoken phrase of, "thanks for making dinner" from DH, and that is about it.  Would I love a little help from time to time?  I sure do!  Just offering to do the dishes, or offer to make dinner willingly because they want to would be amazing... and appreciated.

With the mentions starting with cooking, I also am required to clean up after my family.  That consists of laundry (since nobody else has the motivation to step in and help), the collecting of dirty clothes from the floor (because nobody can drop their dirty clothes in the hampers that sort the loads), dusting, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, taking the garbage out.... you know.... basically everything because everyone else is just so darn tired after their day.  Doesn't matter that I am just as tired after mine, but I guess those spare moments in the day are not allowed to be mine.  Sure, on most days I have a little more time to get these things done than they can, but a little help here and there would be appreciated, but yet again.... help does not come until I am a crying wreck, losing my collective (expletive) to get a little help.  And I mean a little.  I think one mental snap got DH to put his dirty socks in the laundry bin for about 2 weeks before they now reside next to his side of the bed again.  Would it be nice if there was a little consistency in helping keep the house clean by avoiding to make it messier?  Oh, heck yes!  But does anyone consider putting in the few minutes to maintain what I cleaned?  Uh.... nope.

Did you know that I am the designated driver to all the errands for this family?  Since I really do not get a "date night" with DH (the chair, the remote and the reruns of American Pickers on TV is his choice for a fun time), all errands are driven by me.  Need groceries?  Lets pile the family in the car and take everyone to the grocery store.  Of course, we are required to make a list of what we need because we are on a restricted budget.  Now, I am required to plan the weekly meals in accordance to the dietary restrictions of DH, but with the list of only approved foods from the same picky eater.  While all of us are trying to focus on eating healthy, there are only certain foods that DH will eat.  Since he is the pickiest eater here, we are restricted in what will be made.  Of course, I also am required to deal with DD's odd selection of what foods she will eat in regards to their preparation.  You see, she likes carrots, but does not like cooked carrots.  She likes apples, but not applesauce (unless I make it from scratch).  She will eat mashed potatoes, but not the instant kind.... I have to make it from peeling actual potatoes for her.  As for DH, he has such a long list of what he won't eat, I find it easier to list what he will eat..... he will eat meat (but not fish), starchy vegetables (corn, potatoes, peas, carrots), he likes rice, pasta, and bread... he does love cheese, but with his cholesterol issues.... we have to limit that, and butter (another favorite).  Along with his cholesterol issue.... I have to avoid most processed foods (of which he would live on the stuff).  He will eat a salad, but it cannot have salad dressing because DH hates mayo and sour cream (which is found in most salad dressings).  He likes to load it up with cheese, olives and croutons.  Fruit is totally out of the question for DH, along with most green vegetables and if there is a hint of a vegetable he won't eat in something I make.... he pitches a fit, so he watches everything I put in the shopping cart.  DD is dragged along and she absolutely hates it.  Lately, we let her decide if she wants to go because if we make her... she drags her heels and prolongs my misery because once we get home with the groceries.... the bags are brought in by all of us, dropped on the kitchen floor and left for me to put it all away.  Yep, my environment is controlled by others that seem to take to dictating my life as their life's passion.  Does anyone offer to help put the groceries away with me?  Nope.  They will dig through the bags to find their snack and leave the room to eat it.  There was only one time I missed out on grocery shopping and that was the one time I was so sick I couldn't stand straight on my own.  DH and DD had a "Dickens of a time" navigating the store and picking out produce.  Never again was there an offer to just take that task off my hands since.

Oh, and did I mention that I am required to pick up prescriptions, fight with the insurance company over medical benefits, make doctor appointments, and I am the personal shopper for my family?  Need new socks?  I am the one running to Target or Walmart.  Need new shoes?  I am back in the car to find new shoes.  Out of shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste?  Off I go to get that stuff for you.  DH has not done Christmas shopping, or any gift shopping, in the past 15 years.  I am told what to find and to get it.  Wrapping gifts?  Apparently, I am required to do it, but DH is far better at wrapping boxes than I am.

Now, with all this stuff being done by me in the house, I also end up doing things outside the house, too.  Not as often as you think, but often enough.  I usually take the trash out to the curb every week, but DH usually will do the yard work.  Once in a while I will mow the lawn for him, I do most of the shoveling of the snow in the winter, and I am usually the one that starts to trim the hedges in the spring.  I do all the grilling it seems and I was the one that cleaned out the garage.  So far this fall.... I have done one of the big leaf clean-up jobs out of the two where the village does curbside pickup.  I ended up bagging it all because the neighbors just planted ground cover plants between our houses and it would be in bad form to drag a tarp full of leaves across the plants.  DH decided to now drag the tarp through the garage the one time he did leaf clean up.  Either way.... yard work is getting done.

Now, I have not even gotten to the things I do beyond the day-to-day demands I get from DH and DD.  I do have a job.  While it is considered part-time, I do put in more hours to accommodate the demands of my clients.  In my job, that is commission based, I can only earn from what I charge for services done.  If I have noting to do.... I earn nothing.  While this can leave a lot of room to just take time off to do the demands from home, it does not leave a lot of room to blow off potential work.  If a client needs an evening appointment.... I will accommodate.  If a client needs me on my day off... I will accommodate.  So, while the hours seem at times minimal... I feel I am on the clock 24/7.  I just fill it in with other requests/demands.  I try to help my mom when I can.  Of course, there are other siblings that can step up, but even their lives are busy so I pile on more on my already overloaded plate because it is what is expected of me.  Darn shame I feel like I am being taken advantage of because of my willingness to be helpful, though.

With all of this I happen to deal with, I am also going through menopause.  Sigh, you have no idea how much energy it takes to keep my attitude in check.  I am required to be on my "A-game" 24/7 because I deal with people all the time and I mean ALL... THE.... TIME!  Between my job as a hairdresser, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend.  I am an Aunt, but my nieces and nephew are too busy to need me, for which I am thankful for.  I am stretched to the limit and these hot flashes are getting a little ridiculous.  The feeling of constantly being tired is getting on my last nerve, that is, if my last nerve is not being stretched by all that I deal with on a day-to-day basis.  That desire to not rock the boat, to take on the extra because nobody else wants to step up and help me.  To avoid that inaudible sound from DH that makes my skin crawl with fear that there will be yet another argument over who's job it is to take care of things.  I will admit that I am not a great linguistic argumentative person.  I lack the ability to really pack a verbal punch probably because I am so beaten down that all I say these days is..."I'M SORRY... I'M BROKEN".  My family, my environment, and me are to blame for being this way.  I am so tired trying to control things I have really no business controlling, but I also have a severe lack of faith that if I stop trying..... nobody is going to try for me.  I need to admit that I am an enabler.  I put everyone's needs before my own and it has resulted in me being physically and emotionally broken.  I have no clue how to stop it, I have even less of a clue how to fix it, and I am getting to a point to where I just do not care anymore. 

As I announced to DH yesterday that I was having a bad day, he sat there and listened to me cry over how broken I happen to be.  No words of support, no words of comfort, no words at all.  He left for his usual visit to his friend for beers and to complain about his wife for a few hours, didn't eat the dinner I prepared, and hasn't spoken to me since.  He did do a load of dishes for me, though.  Forgot to put dinner in the fridge.  I had to throw it out this morning.  Well.... it is Monday.  The salon is closed today and I have a full day of laundry, housework, and meal preparation ahead of me.  Best to get it started.  Maybe I will get a "thank you for dinner" tonight.

Thanks for reading.

Just needing to vent a little.....

Well, it is a holiday weekend and people are sleeping in today.  As for me.... I have been up since 2am with allergy sinus pressure that makes me want to close my eyes, but a cough that refuses to let me get any sleep.  So.... I may appear a little bitter in this blog entry, but I have a pressing question that will not get an answer until after the holiday weekend is over and then I get to sit on hold for an hour with Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois healthcare insurance company.  One department in mind... the claims department.

Is it just me, or is that automated answering system just a tool to piss off the caller?  I have no doubt that they use this system to at least attempt to try to route the call to the right department, but when you finally do get an actual person.... they ask the same damn questions that the automated system asked.  Does not seem all that efficient, if you ask me.

Well, I have no doubt that after getting the 20 questions game with a computer that answered the call first over with, I will be required to do it all again to an actual person that sounds like they would rather be anywhere but their job.  Then, I will be put on hold as they type a little on their computer to pull up my policy and mention some lame excuse as to why a claim has been denied when I took the time (literally) to call ahead and check for coverage and to make sure that I am leaping through the correct flaming hoops to be assured that there will be coverage.  Yep, I am one of those people that ask first and then follow the rules to get the end result that we need.  Especially, for services that I know will cost a blooming fortune and has the potential to put my family on the rung below the poor house (since we are already there).

With this apparent "wonderful" healthcare initiative that our previous president spearheaded without really thinking it through.... I make it a requirement to check for coverage before eve thinking about making an appointment.  Pretty sad to say that I do this with a PPO plan that should not require pre-authorization for treatment, but since there was so little concern for the working class that is required to purchase this insurance.... the insurance carriers now have more red tape and flaming hoops that allow them to not pay their share.  That is beyond the insane premiums that they can charge.  It is painfully obvious that all insurance companies are "for profit" organizations.  If you have ever really looked at an itemized doctor bill, you will get to know intimately how the system is played.

Let's just say you are to see a specialist.  In my case, it was for an orthodontist for DD.  She needed braces because the cross-bite that she has, along with some misaligned teeth, is one of the catalyst for her migraine headaches.  Sure, there are other factors for the headaches, but dental issues can also span abilities of chewing as well as, in a small way, cosmetic needs.  The dentist has been screaming for DD to get braces before she turned 10 years old.  I waited because of two factors..... all of her teeth were not in yet and once they were all in, her need for braces could diminish, and the big reason is because we just could not afford them.  When the Affordable Care Act (ACA or also known as "Obamacare") was pushed into effect, pediatric dental is a requirement.  Didn't know about this because when trying to read the bill online, it was hidden in so much legal jargon that when our healthcare insurance carrier was required to show it on our insurance card, I finally became aware of it.  Upon calling our insurance company (Blue Cross Blue Shield of Illinois or BCBSIL), I checked about coverage, restrictions, and availability for my 17 year old child.  While our insurance is a PPO plan, I was told that we can select any orthodontist to get the much needed braces for DD, but there are a few ortho offices that they (the insurance company) prefer over others.  I found out percentages of coverage, the cap for our of pocket, deductibles, copays, and everything in between.  I was assured of what the cost would be before even stepping foot in the office and figured that if everything quoted remotely matched what we could afford... I could get DH on board to getting this done.

After checking everything, making sure all the i's were dotted and the crosses on those t's, we set forth with the assurance that our insurance would do their part in this $7100.00 adventure.  We had to make sure that we got this done before the end of June because where we were on Deductible and out of pocket would be set back to zero and the math would be different and could quite possibly not affordable with our incomes.  Well, needless to say.... DD got her braces well before the end date of that policy and before we renewed our plan, so according to all my research and math... we should be covered, right?

Well, apparently not.

The orthodontist managed to lose the claim to the insurance company TWICE and if it was not for me being a royal pain and hyper critical.  I made sure that BCBSIL was aware of the service date and they made sure to figure the claim from that date and time to the plan that was active at that time.  Working with the numbers from my previous calls to BCBSIL.  I was assured that the service is covered and the percentages are as what was quoted, but apparently, people LIE.  Currently financing the agreed out of pocket amount for the next 2 years has now been changed to us being required to finance the whole thing with no discounts that insurance carriers make with providers, no coverage what-so-ever of services performed.  Yep, what was covered care (as little as it was) has now been denied.  No real explanation as to why, but now an added burden to our already painfully restricted budget.  Of course, they (BCBSIL) has the audacity to claim that we have pediatric dental coverage for our daughter because she is under the age of 21 and is a full-time student.  WHAT A CROCK OF BULLSH*T!

Now, I get to wait for the holiday weekend to be over (since we received this tidbit of news in the mail on Saturday) to call and find out why our family is being financially raped without buying us dinner first.... screwed sideways without any lubricant.  I have to figure when I can carve out at least an hour of my day, in their open hours of operation, to speak to a machine - then an unhappy person, to get the run-a-round to hear them vomit out their apologies and some lame excuse as to why I was lied to with some cockamamie flaming hoop that they decided to not mention to me before, and then give me some impossible red tape path to take to see if maybe they can help us out.  Otherwise, I get to watch DH toss and turn in his sleep from stress that we yet again are sh*t out of luck and have me sleep even less than I do trying to find a way to figure another creative math equation to cover this new responsibility and avoid any other hiccups that can potentially sink us financially.  All the while, hope that nobody will require seeing a doctor or need medications until we can figure this out.

I guess on a brighter note, it took me a little over 2 years of saving to get my husband a new chair.  It was delivered yesterday and sadly makes my couch look quite sad, but at least my overworked husband can at least have a comfortable place to sit when he comes home from work.  Pretty sad that it took me a little over 2 years to afford a small token of luxury in my house, but every time I was close... something took that saved money away.  Sucks to have a job that strictly pays commission.

Oh well, time to streamline the grocery list to a new, smaller budget.  Thanks for letting me vent.  I hope you have a better day that I am.....

I wonder if friends are wondering.....

Recently, I have taken on a challenge and I am not sure if anyone has figured it out.  It is not like I am requiring people to figure it out, but it would be interesting if others felt at least a little compelled to join my little challenge.  It does take a little effort, not so much that it is difficult to do.  Heck, we are all capable of this and at times do manage to do this without much thought.  Especially in times of need, we are capable, but sometimes just assume that people know, and manage to not bother to mention it.

You are probably wondering what I am writing about and believe me.... I think you will be able to figure it out and just might be interested in snow-balling this idea.  It is something that has been lacking lately and needs to make a return.  Regardless of the notion that people are screaming for it in varying levels, but seem to not manage to do all that much about it other than talk about the need for it.  There are some stories that highlight varying scenarios that manage to happen, but in a way that seems a little boastful and not in a way that motivates all to join in.  I guess that is why I haven't bothered making a huge deal about it.  Well, to be totally honest.... my little challenge that happens to not be all that challenging does make its rounds on social media around November, but in a different way.

I guess you are sitting there wondering what I am saying here and I was being obtuse, but now I will try to be a little clearer.  Let me just take a little more of your time and give you the reason why I started this little not-so-difficult-challenge challenge.

Recent events have had people at odds with one another.  A fair number of people are screaming "conspiracy", or a well-placed plan to put focus on all that is bad in life these days.  Shootings getting the headlines while good deeds or a job well done never making it to light.  Protests and riots in the streets with conflicting information to rile people up to crazed proportions. Words like racism, bigotry, and hate being served daily like the special being served to the hungry masses at the local diner.  Sensationalism at its finest diverting attention to the facts that there is more we need to know.  Life as we know it is spiraling out of control....  Heck, it was a line in the movie, "Men in Black".  Maybe this will help....

With all this information out there, people are reacting in a way that just does not make sense.  Tensions are high because the information given in not complete and what is given is causing reactions that are destroying the foundation that people are more than what is on the surface.  Standing and shouting that "love trumps hate", is not going to mean a hill of beans if you cannot support the statement through actions.  That screaming that the foundation of civilization is being crumbled due to the less than stellar missteps of a person in the power seat, have not taken the moment to look deep within themselves to see that we all have our faults, but are capable of being better than our "worst moment" in life.  Heck, to not take the less than stellar moment and highlight the good of others... in others.... in a time where people are blindly stabbing at the clouds in the dark.  Political alliances, beliefs, and level of being rational or reasonable have been set in boxes where friendships are put to the test, families have been torn apart, and life as we know it is being filled with that hate that should be instead filled with love.  I have watched countless friendships crumble under the weight of debate over the current state of affairs.  I have seen families divide over beliefs that should never become a deciding factor if you can be in the same room to share a meal together.  Opinions are just that.... opinions and should not decide if a person that has been good thing in your life to be cut out because their beliefs vary from what you believe.  

We learn that we are all different and being different is okay.  What we tend to forget is that people like to be told how special they are in our lives.  To point out the good over the negative.  To highlight what made the people in our life a part of our lives and to appreciate those reasons.  To spread that love that is supposed to trump hate.  As everyone seems to scream out for actions, it is rare to see it being taken to task.  That is why I am trying to highlight friendships and family on social media.  To show that a simple act like being thankful for these friends and family, to highlight the good qualities and spread the love that I do have.  The response has been positive that people do need to be reminded that we all are special, and to actually put in the effort to show that. I guess the reason for my need to spread more positive vibes around is that I feel we all need to feel a little appreciated from time to time.  I know I would appreciate it.

So, in conclusion, I feel that it was necessary to do some small part to try to trump that hate.  To let people feel a sense of being appreciated for who they are, regardless of the differences we may or may not have.... to let them know that they are loved and not alone.  It may not mean much to some, but it has the potential to mean everything when it comes from the heart. Thanks for reading!!