I have always believed that I am a fairly rational person that will go out of their way for others.... especially, my family. I tend to be a little more understanding and sympathetic to their plights, which end up making me put in even more effort to at least make their lives a little easier, but manage to take a little pieces of me with it. Here are some examples.....
I cook meals to feed my family since nobody here seems to either know how to cook or they just refuse to put in the effort. Regardless of the fact that, I am asked countless times, "what is for dinner", and "When is dinner going to be ready.... I am starving! I will wither away to dust if I get any hungrier". While DD has offered to help with cooking from time to time, I have to at least give her credit for putting in an effort. As for DH? Well..... let's just say.... It takes me losing my collective (expletive) for him to consider going to the store and get a frozen pizza to put in the oven. Of course, I forgot to mention that I had a fever of 102 and was woken up from being asleep to ask me when I was going to start making dinner..... twice! So, every day I make sure I am home to cook dinner, and when I have to take a late appointment at work.... I create a gap in my day to run home, cook dinner and return to work so I don't get nagged about dinner when I do get home. My Saturdays consist of not taking a break to rest my weary feet and back when I get home because once I walk in, I am walking straight into the kitchen to get dinner started. At least I am allowed to drop my purse and take my coat off (if I am wearing one), but to sit down and just take a break? Nope, gotta feed the family. No offers of help, oh, and no offers to do the dishes afterwards either.... I get to clean up after cooking. I usually get the empty spoken phrase of, "thanks for making dinner" from DH, and that is about it. Would I love a little help from time to time? I sure do! Just offering to do the dishes, or offer to make dinner willingly because they want to would be amazing... and appreciated.
With the mentions starting with cooking, I also am required to clean up after my family. That consists of laundry (since nobody else has the motivation to step in and help), the collecting of dirty clothes from the floor (because nobody can drop their dirty clothes in the hampers that sort the loads), dusting, sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, taking the garbage out.... you know.... basically everything because everyone else is just so darn tired after their day. Doesn't matter that I am just as tired after mine, but I guess those spare moments in the day are not allowed to be mine. Sure, on most days I have a little more time to get these things done than they can, but a little help here and there would be appreciated, but yet again.... help does not come until I am a crying wreck, losing my collective (expletive) to get a little help. And I mean a little. I think one mental snap got DH to put his dirty socks in the laundry bin for about 2 weeks before they now reside next to his side of the bed again. Would it be nice if there was a little consistency in helping keep the house clean by avoiding to make it messier? Oh, heck yes! But does anyone consider putting in the few minutes to maintain what I cleaned? Uh.... nope.
Did you know that I am the designated driver to all the errands for this family? Since I really do not get a "date night" with DH (the chair, the remote and the reruns of American Pickers on TV is his choice for a fun time), all errands are driven by me. Need groceries? Lets pile the family in the car and take everyone to the grocery store. Of course, we are required to make a list of what we need because we are on a restricted budget. Now, I am required to plan the weekly meals in accordance to the dietary restrictions of DH, but with the list of only approved foods from the same picky eater. While all of us are trying to focus on eating healthy, there are only certain foods that DH will eat. Since he is the pickiest eater here, we are restricted in what will be made. Of course, I also am required to deal with DD's odd selection of what foods she will eat in regards to their preparation. You see, she likes carrots, but does not like cooked carrots. She likes apples, but not applesauce (unless I make it from scratch). She will eat mashed potatoes, but not the instant kind.... I have to make it from peeling actual potatoes for her. As for DH, he has such a long list of what he won't eat, I find it easier to list what he will eat..... he will eat meat (but not fish), starchy vegetables (corn, potatoes, peas, carrots), he likes rice, pasta, and bread... he does love cheese, but with his cholesterol issues.... we have to limit that, and butter (another favorite). Along with his cholesterol issue.... I have to avoid most processed foods (of which he would live on the stuff). He will eat a salad, but it cannot have salad dressing because DH hates mayo and sour cream (which is found in most salad dressings). He likes to load it up with cheese, olives and croutons. Fruit is totally out of the question for DH, along with most green vegetables and if there is a hint of a vegetable he won't eat in something I make.... he pitches a fit, so he watches everything I put in the shopping cart. DD is dragged along and she absolutely hates it. Lately, we let her decide if she wants to go because if we make her... she drags her heels and prolongs my misery because once we get home with the groceries.... the bags are brought in by all of us, dropped on the kitchen floor and left for me to put it all away. Yep, my environment is controlled by others that seem to take to dictating my life as their life's passion. Does anyone offer to help put the groceries away with me? Nope. They will dig through the bags to find their snack and leave the room to eat it. There was only one time I missed out on grocery shopping and that was the one time I was so sick I couldn't stand straight on my own. DH and DD had a "Dickens of a time" navigating the store and picking out produce. Never again was there an offer to just take that task off my hands since.
Oh, and did I mention that I am required to pick up prescriptions, fight with the insurance company over medical benefits, make doctor appointments, and I am the personal shopper for my family? Need new socks? I am the one running to Target or Walmart. Need new shoes? I am back in the car to find new shoes. Out of shampoo, deodorant, toothpaste? Off I go to get that stuff for you. DH has not done Christmas shopping, or any gift shopping, in the past 15 years. I am told what to find and to get it. Wrapping gifts? Apparently, I am required to do it, but DH is far better at wrapping boxes than I am.
Now, with all this stuff being done by me in the house, I also end up doing things outside the house, too. Not as often as you think, but often enough. I usually take the trash out to the curb every week, but DH usually will do the yard work. Once in a while I will mow the lawn for him, I do most of the shoveling of the snow in the winter, and I am usually the one that starts to trim the hedges in the spring. I do all the grilling it seems and I was the one that cleaned out the garage. So far this fall.... I have done one of the big leaf clean-up jobs out of the two where the village does curbside pickup. I ended up bagging it all because the neighbors just planted ground cover plants between our houses and it would be in bad form to drag a tarp full of leaves across the plants. DH decided to now drag the tarp through the garage the one time he did leaf clean up. Either way.... yard work is getting done.
Now, I have not even gotten to the things I do beyond the day-to-day demands I get from DH and DD. I do have a job. While it is considered part-time, I do put in more hours to accommodate the demands of my clients. In my job, that is commission based, I can only earn from what I charge for services done. If I have noting to do.... I earn nothing. While this can leave a lot of room to just take time off to do the demands from home, it does not leave a lot of room to blow off potential work. If a client needs an evening appointment.... I will accommodate. If a client needs me on my day off... I will accommodate. So, while the hours seem at times minimal... I feel I am on the clock 24/7. I just fill it in with other requests/demands. I try to help my mom when I can. Of course, there are other siblings that can step up, but even their lives are busy so I pile on more on my already overloaded plate because it is what is expected of me. Darn shame I feel like I am being taken advantage of because of my willingness to be helpful, though.
With all of this I happen to deal with, I am also going through menopause. Sigh, you have no idea how much energy it takes to keep my attitude in check. I am required to be on my "A-game" 24/7 because I deal with people all the time and I mean ALL... THE.... TIME! Between my job as a hairdresser, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend. I am an Aunt, but my nieces and nephew are too busy to need me, for which I am thankful for. I am stretched to the limit and these hot flashes are getting a little ridiculous. The feeling of constantly being tired is getting on my last nerve, that is, if my last nerve is not being stretched by all that I deal with on a day-to-day basis. That desire to not rock the boat, to take on the extra because nobody else wants to step up and help me. To avoid that inaudible sound from DH that makes my skin crawl with fear that there will be yet another argument over who's job it is to take care of things. I will admit that I am not a great linguistic argumentative person. I lack the ability to really pack a verbal punch probably because I am so beaten down that all I say these days is..."I'M SORRY... I'M BROKEN". My family, my environment, and me are to blame for being this way. I am so tired trying to control things I have really no business controlling, but I also have a severe lack of faith that if I stop trying..... nobody is going to try for me. I need to admit that I am an enabler. I put everyone's needs before my own and it has resulted in me being physically and emotionally broken. I have no clue how to stop it, I have even less of a clue how to fix it, and I am getting to a point to where I just do not care anymore.
As I announced to DH yesterday that I was having a bad day, he sat there and listened to me cry over how broken I happen to be. No words of support, no words of comfort, no words at all. He left for his usual visit to his friend for beers and to complain about his wife for a few hours, didn't eat the dinner I prepared, and hasn't spoken to me since. He did do a load of dishes for me, though. Forgot to put dinner in the fridge. I had to throw it out this morning. Well.... it is Monday. The salon is closed today and I have a full day of laundry, housework, and meal preparation ahead of me. Best to get it started. Maybe I will get a "thank you for dinner" tonight.
Thanks for reading.
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