The system.....

It is well known that there is a system in place for everything and that system is designed to never be on your side.  Let's face it..... Insurance companies thrive on people that never utilize the service.  For those that happen to require help are scrutinized within an inch of a microbe and kicked repeatedly.

As I sit here, writing my thoughts in today's blog entry, I am literally feeling sick to my stomach.  I managed to let out a good, long cry at a situation that is slowly killing my soul.  I still happen to not have the ability to stop the waterworks to see my keyboard as I try to construct sentences that describe my myriad of thoughts that are zipping around in my mind.  In all honesty, I have no clue where the brunt of the blame shall be placed.  Here is my story.....

When I met DH, I was in a low place.  Having gone through yet another cruel breakup of a relationship.  I had serious doubts that there are any good men out there for me to have a future with.  It was not like I was looking to get married and pop out that national average of 2.5 kids with that house and the white picket fence any time soon.  I just felt.... incomplete.  Worthless.  With the track record of being a serial dater of losers that were in the categories of abusers, control freaks, insecure clingers and psychopaths and just about everything in between, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I had zero interest in ever dating again.  Relationships did not hold any appeal to me anymore.  But there he was, walking into the bar at which I sat and was figuring a way to pick up my broken pieces and move forward.  Looking down at my Miller Lite, I hear this person (who is DH) ask the bartender if they carry Old Style.  I had to chuckle.  Old Style is, in my opinion, the most disgusting thing to drink in a beer.  When the bartender said, "No. We carry all Miller products here and a few foreign selections.  Sorry dude, is there something else you would like?", I heard the sigh of a resigned man and ordered a MGD, complaining about the lack of this bar supplying a "good" beer.  Of course, he said it in a way that made me smile.  A smile that had not graced upon my face in a good, long time.  DH noticed me sitting alone at the bar, laughing at him and he takes the bar stool next to me.  He started a conversation with me and my evening was filled with a lot of laughing.  Something I desperately needed if I was going to pick up my broken pieces and trudge onward in life.  When the topic of my thoughts on Old Style beer was brought up, he kicked the bar stool out from under me. and I have said to so many.... the rest is history.  We started as friends and ended up getting married.  That was over 18 years ago.

With my desire to live anywhere, but where I grew up, I ended up marrying  a man that bought his house in my hometown and wanted to grow roots there.  Yep, I live roughly 6 blocks away from my childhood home, and have been for the past 19 years.  Talk about living an adventure, right?  Luckily, I at least managed to have a few vacations that happened to be in other states, so I did get to see the world (at least, the country I live in), for a little bit.

Our marriage is not the easiest, nor is it the hardest.  I have carried the weight of responsibility on my shoulders for just about all the marriage.  When our daughter was born, I carried even more.  Sure, DH paid the bills.  He makes more than I do.  He makes sure we have all the necessary insurances in place (home, auto, health, and he is the only one with life insurance - I can't afford any life insurance for myself yet).  On paper, we are doing okay.  In life, we get along just fine.  There is a lot of tension regarding how we live together.  He sees things one way, and I see them in a different light.  Most likely to blame for that is how we were raised differently, but we do try every day to make compromises in our rooted beliefs and make things work.  We don't fight all that often, but when we do.... it is viciously fought with words. Feelings get hurt quite often, but we do try harder to understand each other.  I guess that with both of us being stubborn and at least willing to try a compromise, we have lasted this long.

Sadly, when the economic crash of 2008 came about, we struggled to hold everything together.  I looked for more work while DH took a HUGE pay cut to keep his business going.  With threats of losing both our house and his business, we budgeted everything down to the last penny.  Grocery shopping is done as a family with a list every week.  Being frugal is our way of life.  It is 8 years later, and we are still struggling to stay afloat.  We can say that we still have our house and DH still has his business.  I did manage to find more work and I contribute more than before, but when it comes down to the future.... we are nowhere near ready for retirement, nor can we even afford any surprises.  DD is nearing the stage of graduating high school and we don't have nearly enough to afford to send her to college.  Simply put.... we are broke, but surviving.

With DH's health issues with his heart, DD's asthma, and my back issues.... we pay plenty for healthcare.  Every spare penny we have has been squirreled away to pay for medications and co-pays for doctor visits.  Little did I know that one heavy rain in May of 2016 could kill my hopes for a healthy home.  Well, that and DH's inability of seeing the importance of maintaining our home.  We now have water damage hitting the surface of the interior of our home.  My kitchen is ruined, my lower bathroom is starting to get mold and according to the homeowner's insurance claims adjuster.... this damage is seen as long term damage and is possibly not covered by our insurance.  Meaning, the tens of thousands of damage to my home, which increases in cost every day that it is not attended to, is now the responsibility of the homeowner to handle.  All I can say is... great, just great!  We don't have the money to do regular maintenance on our home and now we get to watch our money go to pay for insurance that does not repair damage that was never seen until just recently?  It is not like I burrow into the walls of my home to see if there is a potential issue.  Heck, DH never had the desire to do any remodeling of this house when he bought it.  It took my one weakness of peeling off loose wallpaper in the apparent "master bedroom" to get him to invest in paint and new carpeting.  Sure, we have bought furniture over the years, but that is well after there is zero ability of saving it.  Heck, I still have a recliner that is so worn out that the stuffing is showing and DH has reinforced the frame once it became lopsided and couldn't recline anymore.  My appliances are as old, if not older than me, and have been slapped with enough band-aid repairs by DH that I am surprised that my house has not blown up yet.  I have overgrown trees that are half dead in my yard and shrubs that are so overgrown that trimming them back results in almost zero foliage on them.  Just bare and dead branches.  The past two weekends, with more on the horizon, will be filled with digging out yet another mostly dead bush.  My living room carpet is stained from juice and Kool-aid from DD's childhood.  Those stains never come out.  I have tried and even paid professionals to try.  The paint is peeling in my house as well as outside of it because every time I try to entice DH to paint with me, he plays dead on the broken down recliner, that is, after asking me where we can find the money to afford to do such a minimal upgrade if the rest of the house is falling apart.  Something like putting lipstick on a pig I think has been said, or spraying perfume in a dumpster.  Meaning, it is not really worth it.  Of course, DH's drive to do anything is way off course to what is important.  He spent a day in a Spring snowstorm, digging out a bush to fix the gas line to the gas lamp in the front yard.  Didn't matter that we have ceramic tiles popping in the upstairs bathroom that I now hide with strategically placed bath rugs, nor is he concerned with the peeling laminate on the kitchen and upstairs bathroom cabinets, nor is he interested in replacing the downstairs bathroom vanity that is lopsided from water damage of the last flood we had a few years back.  Nope, nope, nope.

Now, with the sagging and crumbling particle board of a corner kitchen cabinet that I had to empty out and throw everything away, you would think that he would feel a little inkling to fixing the damage, but NO.  He at least took it upon himself to redirect the downspout on the roof for better water flow when it rains so it does not pour in the house anymore.  Not exactly a ball of fire to get the roof fixed and replace the water damaged wood up on the roof.  We got one estimate from a guy that is a friend of a guy that is friends with a guy that is friends with DH.  This seven degrees of separation thing is getting to be a bit much, but DH refuses to get more estimates and he has not given approval for someone.... anyone... to fix this stuff.  I really do not want to see my house rot away and mold over, regardless of how much I hate this house.  Hated it from the beginning, but agreed to stay.  Heck, when I married DH, I married this house!  Should have known better!!  Stupid me!!

Well, with DH's lack of enthusiasm to fixing the house, I took it upon myself to talk to our insurance agent.  I took time off from work to do so.  After a long discussion, I was told a few things..... 1).  There is a 70/30 chance that our homeowner's policy will cover this.  And 2).  DH needs to reevaluate his method of insurance because he could be saving us roughly $800 a year if he upped our deductible and added our car insurance to this policy.  Sure, a $250 deductible is enticing to keep if there was ever a claim to be approved, but in all the years of owning this house (or better yet, paying a mortgage on it), we have never made a claim.  Not once.  Figuring I could take my chances on getting a resolution that DH could get on board with, I met with the claims representative and here I am.... sick to my stomach, crying, and feeling completely defeated because after his little look around.... the words "long term damage" is prevalent and "possibly not covered" being tossed my way.  I am now slinking down into the quicksand of despair.  We overpay for insurance that is trying to deny us help in our time of need,  I have a significant other that refuses to make headway in a solution to the problem at hand, and I have a house that will probably kill us all with the damage that has been hidden for so long behind the walls.  I would love to get a loan and get everything fixed and be done with it, but we can't afford another bill in our lap.  If I could be blessed with good fortune and win the lottery, that would be nice, but the state of Illinois is not paying out large lottery winnings.  It is not like I need millions of dollars here.  Just a million to get all the necessary things taken care of like, repair the house, pay the bills off, have money to let DD go to college debt free. and maybe.... just maybe....put a little away for the next rainy day.

So with my feeling like garbage over this whole situation.... Who shall receive the pent up wrath that is boiling under my skin?  DH for not caring enough to do something?  The insurance company for making me feel completely defeated because I fear that they won't help us?  The system that makes it do darn hard to get ahead?  Or me, because I don't know how to fight the system.

Sorry this was so long, but I had to get it out.  Ending my rant here... dropping the mic.... and I am out!  Thanks for reading.

Is it wrong?

Have you ever just figured that giving up is the answer?

While I know that words can be misunderstood and taken out of context, let me elaborate on that statement....

I am, by no means, suicidal.  I have no desire to take my own life.  In all honesty, I fear death.  Want proof?  I suffer panic attacks that are solely based in fear of death.  I pray every night to God for another day to be there for me when I wake up.  I absolutely freak out when I have had a dizzy spell or when I can feel my heartbeat increase.  I am not a risk taker and if I could.... I would lock everyone I care about in a padded room to keep them safe from harm with me, but I know that life is a risk and as in life, there is death.  Not exactly all that thrilled about the end being death, but in my battles with anxiety and panic disorder.... I had to make an agreement with myself that while death is lurking in the shadows, I need to appreciate every day that I am alive.  While there are moments that make me wonder why it seems that I am the only one being punished with all these misfortunes, I still take the time to appreciate that I have these moments to experience.  It would just be nice to not have so many misfortunes happening around me.

What I mean by "giving up", is just no longer trying to change the situation.  Coming to a sense of acceptance that this will happen and do my best at all times.  To hold my head up and say, "I did the best I could and while it appears it was not enough, I am okay with it.".  You know, let the chips fall where they may and accept it for what it is.

It is these games that seem to have one goal in mind that bothers me.  Those games to knock me down and the additional games to keep me there.  It is that coworker that tries to steal clients, or that backstabbing friend that talks smack about you, or even that family member that treats you like an idiot.  While it is common practice to ignore the negative thoughts of others you have no connection with, it is still that little nagging voice that reminds you that there will be people passing judgement on you just for being yourself.  I get it that nobody can please everybody all the time, but in this day and age, it appears that there is a lot of negativity flying around.  Bullies picking on people that are different or, in some cases, better than the bully.  We all have had some experience with bullying.  I know I did.  My existence in school was a nightmare!  While there were some good memories, there were a lot of hurt feelings running through my veins.  I am still a little sensitive about it all, but I did manage to get through it relatively unscathed.  Not everyone knows what I went through and I really would not want to rehash it in a blog, but lets just say.... I have never truly loved myself because of it.  And that is pretty sad because I have so much love to give.

The only reason I seem to be coming to the conclusion that not trying anymore is the answer is because it seems that no matter how hard I try, I just can't catch a break.  I am just so darn tired of getting back up after being kicked down.  

So.... Is it wrong to just give up trying?

The games people play.....

There are evil people in this world!  And the most evil are those that cloak themselves in purity and innocence for the world to see.  What makes these evil people so dangerous is the games that they play.....

I have noticed lately that there is a lot of games being played and it pains me to say that there is no real escape from the evil that lurks beneath the surface.  These games are utilized to manipulate others to do their bidding.  Innocent and well-meaning people are sucked into the vortex of dismay created by these manipulators of not just their own existence, but the existence of others.  I guess I need to clarify this point.....

Have you ever come across a person that uses guilt as a tool to get what they want out of life?  How about that self-righteous person that spews lies as truth in order to twist a situation to place blame upon another?  How about that two-faced person that is all sweetness to your face, but once your back is turned.... rumors fly and reputations get ruined?  All games being played for the sole purpose to gain something from others with zero consideration of who they hurt in the process.

I have witnessed countless acts of cruelty over the past few months.  So many, that I have been doing my best to avoid being sucked into the drama that these games create.  Sadly, my attempts are being noticed and misread.  It appears that my choice to not get involved puts me in a position that I have no choice, but to either share my feelings or act upon a knee-jerk reaction to the situation at hand.  Of course, I am well versed in being tolerant and reasonable.

Being the kind-heart that I am, I lack having a malicious side.  Not saying that I could think of malicious things.  That, is simple.  It is the acting upon those thoughts that does not exist.  I just don't have it in me to be manipulative and cruel.  If I ever was remotely even in the ballpark of being that way.... it only is capable of reaching the level of quiet and withdrawn.  And with that in mind.... it is far from malicious, cruel, or even manipulative.  It is just me not wanting to play that game.

Just recently, I was lied to about something that was considered important to me and my job.  To add insult to injury, the game took a turn and is riddled with being berated, belittled, and blamed for things I do or did not do.  Favoritism at it's finest is center stage and every move I make is scrutinized and twisted in order to find cause to strike first and ask for forgiveness later.  I have been watching this happen to others, that happen to have a heart of gold like I do.  Watching them struggle and second guess the most mundane of tasks is quite upsetting.  Apparently, these events are the reason of endless internet searches for inspirational sayings that can offer a little light in a place so filled with darkness.  Really, why does it have to be this way??

I have been well versed in the game of, "I win, you lose".  That game to where you do not realize you are playing because no matter what you try to so for another.... it is never enough, and it is always done wrong.  The other person always wins.  No matter how often to try to change to appease that person.... they change the rules in order to make sure you the loser.  I have put in what seems like endless years of trying to make people happy.  In my family and in my marriage, but I just can't seem to win.  While the saying goes, "you cannot please everyone all the time", it is even harder to please one person when that person plays the I win, you lose game.  All I managed to learn from this game is never speaking my mind in order to survive.  So far, it seems to be working.  Makes me sick to my stomach when I do this, but a couple antacids and a good cry at night makes it more bearable.  Fortunately, the need for antacids and crying is getting less and less these days when it comes to this aspect of my life.  That is definitely a relief in my book.  And maybe a small win.  A girl can hope, right?

What has become a bitter pill to swallow these days is the games at work that are being played.  There is one game master there that has managed to make it miserable for everyone else there.  Well, not all, but most.  Cloaked in innocence, or it could be just plain acting clueless, that has given this girl the golden ticket, the get out of jail free card, and the winning lottery ticket.  Her insecurities are her blanket and she has people trained to do her bidding.  All she has to do is bat her lashes and she gets the free pass to wreak havoc in the workplace.  With her Cheshire grin and guilt oozing out of her pores, people fall prey.  I have watched her get away with far too much.  Of course, she has had her sights set on making my life miserable at work and is succeeding.  I swallow down more frustration than any rational person can handle, and sometimes a little more than what can be handled.  I have tried to place the spotlight on this girl's manipulative behavior for our boss to see and hopefully, to correct before it gets out if hand, but sadly, she has the boss mesmerized by her little spiel and allows her manipulative ways to happen.  Heck, my boss apologizes for her behavior, but refuses to reprimand her for it.  I fear my days are numbered, but I am even more afraid of finding a new workplace that turns out to be worse than the last place I was at.  Life offers no guarantees and believe me.... either my picker of workplaces is off or I am an easy target to fool.  Either way.... I am a little apprehensive to make a move.

Do I continue down the path before me and keep trying to sidestep those evil plotters, or do I venture into a new environment that could quite possibly be far worse than what I am currently dealing with?  I just don't know anymore.  I could just lower my personal value and take a job at some cut rate chain salon that believes in quantity over quality.  Selling my soul for pennies because it appears that people are wanting steak for the cost of a White Castle cheeseburger.  I may not have famous people beating my door down for a haircut, but I am good at what I do.  Shouldn't that be good enough?  Or do I need some kind of spiel to twist people into doing my bidding?  I just refuse to play games to get ahead.  I just fear that my chances at succeeding are being smashed at every turn.  I just have no clue how to fight these evil forces that are hell-bent on crushing me and my dreams.

My current way of dealing with these vicious blows is to just take them as they come and deal with licking my wounds when I am home alone.  Not getting a lot of support in any direction I turn and that is a little upsetting.  Blogging just seems to only do so much.  It helps me hold my head up a little stronger by sharing so others know that they are not alone in this journey.  At least it gives me piece of mind that I can put these thoughts to rest once I do share them.  Or at least eases the pressure that these feelings are causing so I can trudge forward with a little more hope that with each new day, there is another opportunity to try.  For yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and what we have now is the present.  Sure, we would love to return some presents for an exchange of something better, but the present is a gift and it should be appreciated.  Regardless of what that present gives you....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!  I guess I have a little more soul searching to what I shall do next.  I just hope that all this thinking will pay off in the end.  I am just not wanting to be sucked into these games anymore.

Political rumblings....

I try to not be all that interested in politics, but when there is an upcoming election that creates so much hype in the media.... I tend to get sucked in.  I am fully aware of the candidate selection this time around and I have to say that I am not all that impressed with both political parties.  If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are the best that they have to offer.... I am a little scared for the future of this country.

With all the mainstream media reporting almost everything that is happening in this political race for the White House and the title of President of the United States, I am actually shocked that the reporters have not given updates to when these candidates do the most mundane of things like when someone got a haircut or visited the restroom facilities.  That dissection of every word said and every rebuttal made is starting to get to be a little much.

Discussions being made everywhere I go, questions about personal opinions of the candidates, and where we think the outcome will be is getting to be a little much.  Conspiracy theories flying faster than the speed of sound being flung to every wall within flinging distance with the hopes that something will actually stick seems to be the rage.  The blissfully ignorant masses thinking that their vote will actually count while their suspicious and bitter counterparts spew negativity in retaliation to those that still try to grasp onto the American dream with both hands.  The self-righteous belittling those that think outside the average box and would love to be able to color outside the lines once in a while.  Hard-core political party followers, blindly following their candidate even though they disagree with what is left of a choice for the presidency.

I recall hearing from a friend that the state of Illinois is so deeply rooted with the Democratic party that if a Republican candidate that was perfectly able to handle an office position, ran against a grilled cheese sandwich that was running for the same position... the grilled cheese sandwich would still win.  How sad is that?  Not exactly sure if having a grilled cheese sandwich as president is necessarily a bad thing because really.... how much damage to the economy can a sandwich do?  Of course, the theory of a sandwich running for any political position is ridiculous, but the point does run true when the Democratic candidate is not exactly the best qualified for the job.  What makes this even more ridiculous is when the selection process leaves us with both choices being the ultimate buzzer with a, "sorry, wrong answer", feel to them.  Here are my thoughts....

While Hillary Clinton has some political experience, it is built upon the greed of power and off of the backs of others that proceeded her.  Her husband is the closest link to political greatness and when he could not keep it in his pants and created a scandal with in intern.... this wife of his stood by his side after being completely humiliated when the proverbial crap hit the fan.  Ask any other woman out there that happens to be married of she would stay with a man that publicly made a fool of her if she would have stayed and I guarantee you that she would have hit the speed-dial for a really good divorce attorney.  While there are some that can look beyond indiscretions that are not public knowledge and put in the effort to stay together.... it is the one that had their situation be highlighted on every news report for months that seems like she felt that love conquers all?  I am a little baffled about that.  What her actions, or rather non-actions did was put her under a microscope to see her reasoning and that was seriously pointing towards this woman's hunger for power.  Of course, there is the recent events of her email debacle and national security being at risk.  Not exactly who her friends in high places are, but there seems to be some seriously shady things being swept under the rug for her.  What managed to make me scratch my head the most was the speech at the Democratic National Convention where our current president, President Obama, announces that Hillary is more qualified to handle the job as president than both he and her husband, the past President of the United States.  It seemed not so long ago, Mr. Obama and Mrs. Clinton bashed heads and cut each other down in debates back in 2007 for the race to the White House, and now they are best of friends.  I just find it curious of the change in opinions.

Now, we have a business man and all-round fame-grabber named Donald Trump running for office.  While his political aspirations seem to be more philanthropic and with a desire to change the political machine, I even have my doubts about this candidate.  Not that he has zero political experience, but his behavior is less than stellar.  His marriage track record is astounding, to say the least.  Seems like he treats marriage like a car lease and gets a newer, younger and more attractive one after so many years.  I guess he is a firm believer in what Illinois Governor Rauner has been fighting for... term limits.  Besides looking like a complete hound dog to the masses, he also lacks having a filter when he speaks.  Sure, we are all in the same boat that everything has gone down the chute, but telling people that he is the answer without an inkling of a plan is not so comforting.  I will give Mr. Trump credit where credit is due.... he is spending far less in campaigning because he is utilizing the free press to get his message across.  I have not seen a campaign ad on TV that is apparently approved by this candidate yet and the day to vote is almost here.  This man has been building hype for at least 30 years with his political aspirations and has stuck to his methods the whole time.  Not once wavering on his beliefs.  The main thing that concerns me is his boisterous way of reacting first and retracting later.  He may be sarcastic about some things, but in a time like this, with the future going into someone's hands for the next 4 years.... I am not all that confident that the mess we are in is going to improve.

With this in mind, let me recap my thoughts every time I get asked about who I would believe should be President.... Hmmm..... do I support someone that is power-hungry and seen as a criminal that falls through the cracks?  Or do I support a person who speaks their mind and then retracts their statement when the masses take him literally.  Both are dangerous.  A criminal or a self-professed D-bag?  Tough decision here.  I guess we should take a longer look at the running mates before deciding because I fear that who gets elected is going to get shot and the future president could be one of them.  Maybe that is their plan all along.... send out a political sacrifice.  Food for thought.

Well, off to do something more productive than think about stuff like this.  I happen to have a very cynical view on the election process and most likely, my vote won't make a difference.  The Electoral College has power to overrule the popular vote anyway.  I fear that the decision was made a long time ago after the primary election, so my not bothering to put a stamp of approval on a candidate that I have virtually no confidence in is just fine with me.  Vote of you feel differently, but I am over-tired, over-taxed, and less than confident that things are going to go up from here.  Have a good day!  

Sticking it to the scale.....

That darn contraption that sits on the floor of my bathroom has struck again!  This time, it was not me, but DD.  My heart breaks for her and I happen to blame myself.

The reason I blame myself is a simple one....  I have not been setting a better example for her in respects to my own health.  Not all of it is my fault.  I cannot control the hormonal shift and the weight gain that comes with it.  I cannot blame myself for the stress that I am going through that creates that belly expanding cortisol that plagues me.  Sure, I happen to have some control over what should be stressing me in order to control the chemical gain that is happening under my skin, but the constant battle is very tiring and very trying.  I really do not have a support system in place to help with the burden because DH has his own concerns that even he refuses to share with me and with my Ms. Fix-it mentality, it would only add more to my already overflowing plate of concerns.  My job is tough enough with the need to at least earn a paycheck.  Being on commission is hard and I have learned to roll with the punches as best as I can, but I know it will never be enough.  I am only human, you know.

With the expectation of what is considered beautiful to look at as well as the expectations of what a healthy weight is supposed to be, there is a lot of pressure for people to conform to these expectations.  Especially, in the eyes of a teenager.  A person of my (cough, cough) age, does start to not really care anymore about their weight.  Especially, when the cards are stacked so well against them.  I'll admit it... I like food.  What is unsettling is the need to have more variety in food because DH and his perpetual food jag of sorts that limits us to the category of foods on the food pyramid that is under, "consume sparingly".  Of course, I happen to have a sweet tooth and a serious love affair with carbs.  Knowing this and doing something about it is just as appealing as getting a root canal without anesthetic.

So here I am again.... preparing to take the hard road to attempt to at least hover near the expectations of a goal weight that I have had in mind for years.  The last time I managed to achieve my goal weight after a little fluctuation in my 20's almost killed me.  I became sickly and sick all the time because I went from one extreme to the next.  From eating what I wanted to not eating at all.  Looking back, I did have the serious threat of having an eating disorder.  In fact, I still do to this day.  It is those times that I just don't pay attention that I seem to feel my healthiest and rarely ever get sick.  It is almost like I have been destined to always carry a little extra on me.  Case in point.... My first round with Weight Watchers resulted in a 45 pound loss of weight, but at the expense of getting two root canals, multiple rounds of bronchitis, and the removal of my gall bladder.  What was sad is that I still had more weight to lose back then.  All it took was for a plateau of epic proportions to not let me lose another pound, yet that plateau also did not allow me to even gain a pound, either.  That was pretty cool being able to go rogue on that lifestyle plan and not see a change on the scale.  Sadly, I quit Weight Watchers and continued on my rogue path, not watching that gradual weight gain happen until I gained almost half what I lost back.  When I returned to Weight Watchers, thinking I could finally lose weight again, I ended up with a body that just flat out refused to drop the weight like it used to the first time around.  Feeling defeated and not wealthy enough to keep paying to go to meetings, I quit again, but with the determination that if I followed the plan on my own, I could at least win at losing on my own terms.  Needless to say.... I really hate that scale in my bathroom and have not stepped on it in years.  I can see my failures in the mirror every morning.  I don't need a scale on my floor to tell me that this madness needs to stop.  Knowing that I will have to flip my thinking from food lover to food hater is what should tell you that I tend to go a little extreme.  Especially, when I put a time limit to where I should be in an unrealistic light.  Major recipe for disaster is all I can say about that.

With that in mind, I watched DD break down in tears last night.  She was with her boyfriend and he took a picture of her.  Upon showing the picture, he told her she looked so cute and all she managed to see was that she gained a little weight.  It got the waterworks flowing.  Thinking DD's boyfriend did something wrong, I immediately starting asking questions to what happened.  DD shut me down, as usual, but her boyfriend managed to calm her with a hug and some supporting words I could not hear from across the room.  It was after her boyfriend left to go home, is when she came to me with her concerns.  I immediately went on the defensive and asked if her boyfriend said anything to have her think she was fat.  She said, "no".  In fact, he said he would support her in helping her achieve what she wants to achieve in any way that he can.  Even with going with her to exercise after school in the school gym.  I think that his gesture to support her in the process that she wants to take is probably the sweetest thing I have seen from him besides him having my back when she gets defiant regarding her inhaler.  That kid sometimes does not want to miss the fun by taking a moment to use her inhaler when she is wheezing.

It is actually humbling as well as comforting that these two kids are open to talking to me about things.  I seem to know her boyfriend pretty well and I know that he would never say DD looks fat in anything.  He always points out how beautiful she is and makes it his life's mission to make her smile.  I believe with him in her corner, cheering her on, she can do great things.  Luckily, she is stubborn like her father and determined to boot, and will get that weight off in no time.  I'll admit it... I did see a little bloat going on around her middle, but not enough to freak out like she was freaking out.

I did see, my youth replaying right in front of me.  That insecurity and that desire to be thin and pretty like the models in magazines.  That placing your self-worth in the hands of the number on the scale or the size of my clothes.  That being attractive was solely based upon a number and not who I am as a person.  Yep, been there.... done that multiple times and I still feel that way about myself.  I just don't know how to create a confident child if I lack the same confidence, but I am going to give it my best shot.  I am joining DD in sticking it to the scale.  We are going to revamp the system we have been working with.  There will be a day solely focused upon planning everything to the last detail when it comes to food.  Food scales and measuring devices are going to be in the spotlight, as well as choices not becoming options anymore.  The Weight Watchers Food Nazi needs to come out of retirement in a serious way and I think I can make it stick because I am doing this with and for someone I love unconditionally.  I just hope that my cheerleader abilities can handle giving myself a little pep talk while I cheer DD on to success.  I am currently not my biggest fan and there is an age gap between DD and I.  She has youth on her side.  I have menopause to deal with.  My expectations need to be more realistic that I have a far harder path to take, with a far more stubbornly slow metabolism.  I just need to keep my eyes on the prize for her and hopefully, I can also be a winner at losing... weight, that is.  I have to remind DD that this journey is going to be a hard one when her favorite foods are going to be cut back.... way back.  That love of carbs and sweets are going to be severely reduced.

My journey is going to be a little different than DD's, though.  I am going to still refuse to have a relationship with that bathroom scale.  I am going to step on once a month instead of once a week in order to gauge my progress and even with that.... I cannot put full stock in that number.  I am placing more of my faith in how my clothes will be fitting.  I will one day be back in those jeans that I had when I lost that weight from the first time I was on Weight Watchers.  In fact, my ultimate wish is to make those jeans from my thinner time feel a little loose when I am done.  While those jeans have a size number on them, I am not focusing an numbers for this journey.  I am focusing on feel and I no longer want to feel ashamed in my clothes, and what I mean by ashamed is by wearing smocks to work all the time that cover me to my knees, or over-sized shirts with yoga pants as my clothing choice to go out in public.  I want to hold my head up high and feel good about myself.  I want DD to become a confident person in her own skin, but I also want her to not place her worth on external appearances.  I want her to have a healthy relationship with her body and by showing her a reasonable lifestyle of choices, I think I can help her break the desire to be so focused on numbers and placing her self worth with those numbers.  Someone needs to break that chain and I believe I can help.  I need to get my head in the game and stay in the game this time around.  Wish us luck!  It will be a tough one.  Maybe DH will ease up with his limited food choices and join us.  One could only hope, right?  I just hope I can make this work with food choice roadblocks all over the place.

Thanks for reading!  Have a great day!  

I am not my biggest fan.....

You know... getting older is really for the birds!  Oh, I feel pity for those birds that I apparently used that point of reference.  Let's just say that I am not all that thrilled with this natural aging process.  Here is why....

As I have probably mentioned in a previous blog entry, I feel that this topic is really stealing the spotlight in my life, but the hormonal shift (aka Menopause) is really kicking my arse.  I swear, my clients look forward to my assessment of what hitting middle age is like for me.  Besides DH being in the doghouse regarding his lackadaisical ways about fixing our crumbling house, I just seem to have this continual loop of knowing that I love this man, but I just don't like him all that much.  Now add on the moody side of menopause and I actually fear for his safety.  My latest "vindictive daydream" consisted of a brick of fireworks lit beneath DH's reclining throne to where he resides when he manages to be home with him in it in order to get him to wake up and fix the darn leaky roof and remove the water damage that is in my kitchen and seems to be migrating into my downstairs bathroom shower.  Both these places share a common side of the house and just might be rotting away as I type this.  He has tied my hands and refuses to let me seek out estimates for the damage.  His thought process is that if it is out of sight, it is out of mind.  He avoids any long visits to the kitchen because my audible sighs of disgust are not appealing to his precious ears.  Only I get to endure watching my cabinets fall apart with no plans to get the problem truly fixed.  Water damage behind the shower tiles could be because it gets wet in the shower, but it just seems to coincidental that it is happening directly in line with the damage to the kitchen one floor above.  But still, he just refuses to notice it, thus refuses to look for estimates.  Maybe I should go with plan "B" in the hormonal vindictive daydream.... Have his parents over for dinner and let them see the damage and get on his case to get it fixed since whenever I mention it to him.... he shuts me down.

Of course, I have experienced a new phase of menopause.... the moody side.  At the beginning of this stage in life, I was only experiencing hot flashes and an occasional night sweat.  Things seemed to settle down, but after a while, I started to feel like I was being attacked my smart mosquitoes.  What I mean by smart mosquitoes is that they only managed to bite me in places that I cannot reach to scratch.  Trust me, the intensity of the itch is based solely upon the inability of reaching to scratch.  Can't reach it?  It seems to itch more. 'Nuff said.  But alas, when the moody "B" with a side of "itchy" came to play, I am seriously thinking I am going to lose my collective s#it.  If I am not itching, I am sweating, and when I am slapped with both.... I am one mean mother....

Just a couple of weeks ago, I was not feeling like my normal, jovial self.  I left work and headed home.  When I walked in the door, I find a sink full of dishes, DD playing computer games, and no sight of DH anywhere.  With dinner needing to be made, I mumbled and grumbled while I washed the dishes and began to prepare dinner.  DD walks in to the kitchen, drops off more dirty dishes and is about to walk back out.  I asked her where her father is and she informs me that he has not been home since he left this morning to go see his parents.  Well, needless to say, that feeling I thought was "off" became a rage fest in my head.  I was absolutely livid that DH was not home.  I was beside myself that I spent the day working to come home to wash dirty dishes and start dinner without a moment to actually sit down and relax.  I was disappointed in DD for not taking care of the dishes in my absence, but not all that thrilled when she felt compelled to add more to wash when I started filling the sink with soapy water without even making an attempt to be helpful after the fact.  I was feeling unappreciated and with my crumbling kitchen, I felt another hot flash come.  Then my skin felt itchy and I had this really strong feeling I wanted to hit DH with a frying pan when he would stroll into the house.  Once DH did come home, dinner was done and I was an emotional basket case.  I was mad that he was gone, but I was also mad that he came home.  Not understanding why I would feel that way, I started crying and knew that if I did not leave the room I was going to go completely bats#it crazy on the next person that would even look at me.  I ran down stairs and curled up on the couch and tried to deal with this sudden urge to yell at my family.  Sadly, I couldn't find a cure for my mood swing and could not find a happy place for another 2 days.  I grumbled and swore a blue streak (quietly) while rolling my eyes for two whole days at my family.  Let's just say, I did not even want to be around myself and that is saying a lot.  Once those two days were over, I knew that I was given the experience of menopausal mood swings.  I thought that with this knowledge, I would be able to manage these mood swings better in the future, but it seems that I just can't get them under control.  All my go-to distractions and diversions from less than positive thought are not working.  I am not enjoying reading books and I am not all that motivated to do any bead work.  I have had dozens of these hate everything and everyone phases and I am so not looking forward to how long this phase is going to last.  I have managed to mask most of the mood swings when I am outside of my house, but I fear that people are starting to catch on that I am a woman on the edge.  I might be sporting a sign across my chest telling people to duck and cover in my very near future.

Of course, my few night sweats experiences are changing to just miserable hot flashes that wake me up from a dead sleep believing my house is on fire.  I am not sure, but I can only hope that my 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night is acceptable to keep me sane.  I don't think I have slept a solid 8 hours in a couple years now.  It is kind of like having a baby again with those late night feedings and changings, but without food and without a baby to tend to.  Changing was mandatory those times I had a case of the night sweats.  Now, I splash cold water on my face and go back to sleep.

One thought has come to mind.... I am not exactly fitting in my clothes like I used to.  I did see the doctor and handed her my food journal and her answer is that regardless of what I eat, I am probably going to gain some weight.  My stress levels are bordering off the charts and that creates cortisol and that just builds a bigger stomach.  Menopause is just the cherry on that craptastic sundae with it becoming more difficult to actually lose weight, but easier to gain weight.  I guess I can thank goodness for yoga pants now.  The days of wearing jeans are a thing of the past.  Bummer!  I liked my jeans. I stopped going to my WeightWatchers meetings because those food Nazis were really wearing on my nerves, but at least I am still trying to adhere to the plan and that should count for something, right? I am still active, but I refuse to remain on a figurative hamster wheel every time I smell food.  I am just so darn tired!

I do find it absolutely hilarious that with this unappealing weight gain, mood swings, and whatnot... I am having the most erotic dreams of my life.  Go figure!  That is, when I am asleep long enough to actually have a dream.  Last night's dream was a doozy and I am keeping that one to myself.  Sorry.  *laughing hysterically*

Well, time to stop here.  Thanks for reading.  I hope I shared something funny or relate-able.  Have a good one, folks!

At a crossroads.....

There comes a time in everyone's life when we have to make a tough decision based upon what we see are as facts, and more times than not, our decision becomes questioned at a later date.  Especially when you fear that history is repeating itself.  Almost like you will remain in a perpetual loop of facing this crossroads again and again until Karma, fate, or the boss up above, decide for you if you made the right choice.  Not exactly like having multiple do-overs, but hammering in a life lesson we seem to not be paying attention to.  I sometimes refer this to the let out leash being let out to yank me back when I try to venture beyond my allowed limits.  No matter how fast I run, no matter how hard I claw at the ground to claim just a little more ground or distance.... I get yanked back by my choices that managed to limit me without even realizing it.  Here is what I mean.....

With every change in job choices, I do my best to really think about where this job will take me and where I want to be in a few years.  Sure, the usual question by someone in the H.R. Department that does the initial interview of, "Where do you see yourself in 5 years". seems the most accurate description of my thought process every time I think about work.  Not really complaining about the effort that is necessary to get to where I need to be because I have a strong work ethic, but getting that assurance I am at least getting one step closer every day to my intended goal is important to me.  Knowing that my time is limited in my marriage is the driving force that pushes me even harder.  You see, DH made an announcement a couple of years ago that he wanted a divorce.  Of course, it was under the influence, but what he had said must hold a grain of truth.  Especially, when he tells me that he wanted to wait until DD was 18 to do so, tells me that this has been in the works for years.  Not denying that I have been thinking the same when I watch my married friends' marriage progress over the years and mine just can't seem to move from the starting block.  DH likes his friends more than me sometimes.  I know it is a bitter pill to take, but that is the conclusion I was given by his actions.  No matter how hard I have tried to change that, even I know that I can't change the situation.  I mean, sure, he loves me, but if he had a choice.... he would choose his friends over choosing me.  I grew up and mellowed out far faster than he ever imagined.  Especially, after DD was born.  My friends can attest that I just cannot go out whenever and even now... I rarely ever see my friends.  Sure, I would love to see them, but someone must be the responsible adult here and I take that seriously.  Regardless of the fact that DD is now a teenager, I have remained focused on what is important and the most important thing is family.  In roughly 18 hours after his announcement of his desire to part ways, he changed it to wanting to make this marriage work, thus we are still here and still together.  Of course, I left the effort firmly in his court since I told him I was damn tired of putting in all the effort and it was his turn to try.  To this day, we get along just fine, but I am not seeing all that much effort in growing our relationship.  I am still left with tending to more responsibilities and he still prefers to be king of the remote, sitting in his reclining throne every weekend.  It is what it is.....

Now, back to this crossroads....  My last job lasted seven years, and not all of them were happy ones.  I am not sure if my competence threatens my employer, or fellow coworkers, but I have been held back from my potential.  Sure, in my line of work, I am working with other goal minded women seeking to be successful in our commission based job that works with people in the image and beauty industry.  Simply put, we only get paid for what we accomplish and repeat business is necessary.  What we put in should be what we get out of the job and only we can make a living or break it through our own efforts or non-efforts.  There is a very fine line between love of the job and love of money.  I happen to believe in the statement that, "if you do what you love... you will never work a day in your life."  I do love what I do, and I do love to earn money, but I will never compromise my talents and reputation on someone that decides on a whim to do something that is potentially damaging to their hair.  I feel that education is important, and educating the client is just as important.  In the end, it is up to the client to make the decision, but I want to make sure that they are making an educated one.  In my last job, I was told I talk too much, I was passed up on opportunities for growth, and I felt that more times than not.... I was left in the shadows.  Of course, when they were in a bind.... I was the first one they called for me to do the work that nobody else wanted to deal with.  Opportunities outside of the workplace were being taken away because it all came down to money.  Heck, my last day of work, I watched the alienation that I have suffered through for seven years progress even more.  I was being told, without words, that I was just not meant to ever fit in, and that hurt so much.  Of course, I refused to let the depressive feelings stop me from picking myself up and trudging onward with my goal held snugly to my chest.

When I started working at another place, I knew that being "the new girl" was going to be hard.  I have done it before and the only way that I handle that is to keep to my head down and do my best.  I of course, would take in my new surroundings and see the dynamic of the workplace and its workers.  In every business, there are alliances and cliques.  Who are the movers and shakers and who are the ones to look out for that love drama.  Of course, both categories are very similar.  I look for opportunities to build my brand (that is just another word for business), and I seem to look for learning experiences in how these people have managed to build client relations as strong as they have.  You see, I ended up losing almost all my clients from the last place I worked.  It is a common practice to not inform clients where their hairdresser went to if the hairdresser did not contact them and the last place I worked, did not allow me to keep my own client records.  I was under the watchful eye of my boss back then and if I even tried to make a client card, it was taken away.  I didn't have a chance.  Fortunately, I had some client cards of clients that followed me from the last place I worked and they have remained true.  Well, after roughly six months at my new place, I saw who was the drama maker, the mover and shaker, and the trouble maker.  I also saw who was unmotivated and who gave up on trying anymore.  I watched my boss give opportunity and take it away and that was when I saw the crossroads coming towards me.

Over the past week, I thought I had a plan of what I wanted to do.  The opportunities that were presented to me were good, but not great.  My client base was growing and I was starting to feel that I can stick it out here, that my goals had a better chance here than where I was.  I was starting to find my footing even with those that did not have the same work ethic as I happen to have.  The drama maker was becoming less of a thorn in my side, the trouble maker appeared to be less obvious in my line of sight, and the unmotivated's behavior was becoming easier to ignore.  I was finding my niche and felt secure in my work space.  That is, until I watched a client of mine be shuffled off to another that, I was under the impression was not certified to do, suddenly being certified.  That first lie from my boss really stung and had me questioning everything.  Then, after spending a whole day with virtually nothing to do, no walk-ins, no phone calls for appointments.... I was faced with an opportunity that I did not feel was worth the risk.  A client deciding, on a whim, to to a complete transformation that would require bleaching out their hair to the shade of white and re-color it in tones of purple and grey.  Sure, I could have done it, but the integrity of the hair was in question and so was the knowledge that the salon did not have the grey color in stock.  I know that I am good, but I can't match what the client wanted with the supplies that were available to me.  I had to inform this client's interpreter (yes, she did not speak English) of these things because a picture on Pinterest is not what it seems.  Especially, in the day and age of filters on cameras.  In order to detract this person from making a grave mistake, I informed them of the risks and the starting cost, because there were going to be multiple services being done to achieve what they wanted.  My boss, who was getting ready to leave for the day, kept pushing for this to be done, saying it can be done and if she was not needing to leave for the day.... she would do this herself.  When the potential client decided to think about it and left, I was yelled at for not taking the job.  That it was to make not just me, but her money.  That was when my questioning ways came back and had me wondering..... does this salon not care about it's reputation?  Does money trump everything?  I guess it does.... to a point, but is it really worth charging someone a minimum of $200 for 4 hours of  what can be labeled as a corrective coloring process that requires maintenance when the person asking for this service really has no intentions of maintaining it?  Heck, she did not want to have her hair cut after knowing the damage that lighteners can do to hair and to turn dark brown (almost black hair) to white in order to color it purple and grey.  Heck, these crazy party colors that people want either never come back because they can't afford to maintain them or they found someplace else to put them back to their natural shade when they tire of the look.  I had one that tried to get back to their natural color for a job prospect and colors like blue, purple, green, and pink don't ever go away without massive breakage or an undertone left behind.  It was a guarantee that this was not going to be a repeat client since there was a language barrier.  I have done enough to guarantee that was the case, but I was still given the feeling that I just don't have the drive to make it in her salon.  I know she won't fire me because I am more reliable than her little pet that she gave one of my clients to and smoothed it over with a lie, but is my future growth as secure as I thought it would be?

Now, I am at the crossroads again over my job choice.  Should I stay or should I go?  I see potential if I am given the chance, but because I basically talked a client into thinking about such a huge and expensive change not being the best choice and that put the target on my back where my boss is concerned.  Will she still offer opportunities my way since the clients I already have can't seem to bring in the referrals I need?  Can I find a way to promote myself further with basically no money available beyond hoping that word of mouth can do for me?  Do I need to change jobs and hope that the next place will be better for me, regardless of the odds that it will probably be the same or worse since my track record of finding a fair chance is slim to none?  Do I really want to leave this boss in a lurch since I already do more for her than most?  Or no matter what I do is going to be wrong and I get to go through bad experience after bad experience until I finally get it right?  Or do I just conform yet again for years to appease others and not feel secure in my future?  I would really like some feedback because I am really at a loss here.  Thanks for reading.....