You know... getting older is really for the birds! Oh, I feel pity for those birds that I apparently used that point of reference. Let's just say that I am not all that thrilled with this natural aging process. Here is why....
As I have probably mentioned in a previous blog entry, I feel that this topic is really stealing the spotlight in my life, but the hormonal shift (aka Menopause) is really kicking my arse. I swear, my clients look forward to my assessment of what hitting middle age is like for me. Besides DH being in the doghouse regarding his lackadaisical ways about fixing our crumbling house, I just seem to have this continual loop of knowing that I love this man, but I just don't like him all that much. Now add on the moody side of menopause and I actually fear for his safety. My latest "vindictive daydream" consisted of a brick of fireworks lit beneath DH's reclining throne to where he resides when he manages to be home with him in it in order to get him to wake up and fix the darn leaky roof and remove the water damage that is in my kitchen and seems to be migrating into my downstairs bathroom shower. Both these places share a common side of the house and just might be rotting away as I type this. He has tied my hands and refuses to let me seek out estimates for the damage. His thought process is that if it is out of sight, it is out of mind. He avoids any long visits to the kitchen because my audible sighs of disgust are not appealing to his precious ears. Only I get to endure watching my cabinets fall apart with no plans to get the problem truly fixed. Water damage behind the shower tiles could be because it gets wet in the shower, but it just seems to coincidental that it is happening directly in line with the damage to the kitchen one floor above. But still, he just refuses to notice it, thus refuses to look for estimates. Maybe I should go with plan "B" in the hormonal vindictive daydream.... Have his parents over for dinner and let them see the damage and get on his case to get it fixed since whenever I mention it to him.... he shuts me down.
Of course, I have experienced a new phase of menopause.... the moody side. At the beginning of this stage in life, I was only experiencing hot flashes and an occasional night sweat. Things seemed to settle down, but after a while, I started to feel like I was being attacked my smart mosquitoes. What I mean by smart mosquitoes is that they only managed to bite me in places that I cannot reach to scratch. Trust me, the intensity of the itch is based solely upon the inability of reaching to scratch. Can't reach it? It seems to itch more. 'Nuff said. But alas, when the moody "B" with a side of "itchy" came to play, I am seriously thinking I am going to lose my collective s#it. If I am not itching, I am sweating, and when I am slapped with both.... I am one mean mother....
Just a couple of weeks ago, I was not feeling like my normal, jovial self. I left work and headed home. When I walked in the door, I find a sink full of dishes, DD playing computer games, and no sight of DH anywhere. With dinner needing to be made, I mumbled and grumbled while I washed the dishes and began to prepare dinner. DD walks in to the kitchen, drops off more dirty dishes and is about to walk back out. I asked her where her father is and she informs me that he has not been home since he left this morning to go see his parents. Well, needless to say, that feeling I thought was "off" became a rage fest in my head. I was absolutely livid that DH was not home. I was beside myself that I spent the day working to come home to wash dirty dishes and start dinner without a moment to actually sit down and relax. I was disappointed in DD for not taking care of the dishes in my absence, but not all that thrilled when she felt compelled to add more to wash when I started filling the sink with soapy water without even making an attempt to be helpful after the fact. I was feeling unappreciated and with my crumbling kitchen, I felt another hot flash come. Then my skin felt itchy and I had this really strong feeling I wanted to hit DH with a frying pan when he would stroll into the house. Once DH did come home, dinner was done and I was an emotional basket case. I was mad that he was gone, but I was also mad that he came home. Not understanding why I would feel that way, I started crying and knew that if I did not leave the room I was going to go completely bats#it crazy on the next person that would even look at me. I ran down stairs and curled up on the couch and tried to deal with this sudden urge to yell at my family. Sadly, I couldn't find a cure for my mood swing and could not find a happy place for another 2 days. I grumbled and swore a blue streak (quietly) while rolling my eyes for two whole days at my family. Let's just say, I did not even want to be around myself and that is saying a lot. Once those two days were over, I knew that I was given the experience of menopausal mood swings. I thought that with this knowledge, I would be able to manage these mood swings better in the future, but it seems that I just can't get them under control. All my go-to distractions and diversions from less than positive thought are not working. I am not enjoying reading books and I am not all that motivated to do any bead work. I have had dozens of these hate everything and everyone phases and I am so not looking forward to how long this phase is going to last. I have managed to mask most of the mood swings when I am outside of my house, but I fear that people are starting to catch on that I am a woman on the edge. I might be sporting a sign across my chest telling people to duck and cover in my very near future.
Of course, my few night sweats experiences are changing to just miserable hot flashes that wake me up from a dead sleep believing my house is on fire. I am not sure, but I can only hope that my 3-4 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night is acceptable to keep me sane. I don't think I have slept a solid 8 hours in a couple years now. It is kind of like having a baby again with those late night feedings and changings, but without food and without a baby to tend to. Changing was mandatory those times I had a case of the night sweats. Now, I splash cold water on my face and go back to sleep.
One thought has come to mind.... I am not exactly fitting in my clothes like I used to. I did see the doctor and handed her my food journal and her answer is that regardless of what I eat, I am probably going to gain some weight. My stress levels are bordering off the charts and that creates cortisol and that just builds a bigger stomach. Menopause is just the cherry on that craptastic sundae with it becoming more difficult to actually lose weight, but easier to gain weight. I guess I can thank goodness for yoga pants now. The days of wearing jeans are a thing of the past. Bummer! I liked my jeans. I stopped going to my WeightWatchers meetings because those food Nazis were really wearing on my nerves, but at least I am still trying to adhere to the plan and that should count for something, right? I am still active, but I refuse to remain on a figurative hamster wheel every time I smell food. I am just so darn tired!
I do find it absolutely hilarious that with this unappealing weight gain, mood swings, and whatnot... I am having the most erotic dreams of my life. Go figure! That is, when I am asleep long enough to actually have a dream. Last night's dream was a doozy and I am keeping that one to myself. Sorry. *laughing hysterically*
Well, time to stop here. Thanks for reading. I hope I shared something funny or relate-able. Have a good one, folks!
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