The raw end of the deal....

Ah, the 40's.  That pivotal age that throws every man and woman a curve ball.  Women seem to desperately grasp onto whatever they can with sheer desperation running through their veins.  Somehow, a woman in her 40's is not the hottie found on calendars, straddling cars or motorcycles that grace the walls of every man's garage.  While women struggle to remain somewhat desirable to the opposite sex, men in that same age bracket are blowing their retirement savings on sport cars, motorcycles, and drinks to the 20-something barflies.  Men do not suffer hot flashes, night sweats, and mood swings like women do.  Well, as far as I know.  I am a girl, ya know.  Okay, scratch that.... I am a woman.... in my 40's.

Now, I am lucky enough to believe that my dear other half is not letting that midlife crisis monkey out of his cage, but somehow, I have become that 40-something mental patient, insecure in my own skin.  I know that "the change" has not hit me, yet, but I definitely see the insecurities rearing its ugly head.  Making sure that I have my hair and makeup done before I step one foot out of my house has become mandatory.  My "natural" hair color comes from a bottle, and I am on the verge to trying every cream, lotion, and potion to hide those minuscule wrinkles that have started to form.  No longer able to eat anything, I am on a perpetual diet, and I am noticing all those "cute" clothes no longer applying to my old frame.  Believe me, I have seen some women wearing clothes I normally see teenagers wear and it is not a cute sight to see.  Fearing that my desire to look good will result in looking like a fool on parade, I am cautious about what I wear.  Sadly, that cool chick my husband married is slowly becoming something I never dreamed of becoming...  insecure and needy for attention.  What I find so comical is that I married my equal and I feel far from being equal.  He has remained the same, for the most part, and only I have changed.  Okay, he does not make goo-goo eyes at me anymore, roses for Valentines Day is long gone, and I rarely hear a compliment on how I look.  In fact, I don't even think he looks at me.  The only time he has seen something worth commenting on is when I cut half of a foot of hair off my head and made it red.  Even that did not raise a spark of interest.  That was a definite shoot down of my ego, if I ever had one.  I can only guess that my feeble attempts of remaining somewhat youthful is really only for my ego and not his.  I am far from being a trophy wife.  I have too much tomboy in my veins.  I am every dude's buddy.

I just find it so unfair at how men get the better end of the deal.  Gray hair on them makes them distinguished while gray hair on women just makes them look old.  That little "beer gut" is cute on guys, but that "muffin top" on women is just repulsive.  Women go through hormonal hell while men get to go buy a new sports car.  The only equal opportunity phase left is the mood swings.  Nobody likes being a freak or being around one.  At least men do not cry at the drop of a hat, they just brush it off.  Of course, men never gave birth, so hormones are never out of whack for them anyway.  I do believe that physical exams are on a level playing field.  Both do suffer some pretty uncomfortable situations.  I never had to "turn my head and cough" while being grabbed, but they never had their chest slammed between two plates or swabbed in a place that the sun never shines, so I guess that makes us even.

Still, I see it is unfair.  I just wonder when the tables are going to turn.  I want to be that Demi Moore 40 is the new 20.  Is it genetics that she is so darn lucky or do I need a referral.....

Questions.... (a poem)

Tears well up in her eyes.

Thoughts racing

  questions forming.

So much to learn

  about life, that is.

What is love?

Is it a feeling shared

  or an action taken?

Is being loved

  more important than to feel loved?

Is desire just a want

  or just a need to be wanted?

Can people fall out of love

  as quickly as they can fall in?

Does love truly die?

Is beauty truly something

  that comes from within?

Or is it something

  that needs validity from the outside?

Must you need to be beautiful

  to be loved?

Or is it who you truly are

  that makes you worthy of love?

Is what you see 

  truly what you get?

Or is it a facade 

  that fools the naive?

Can people truly change?

Why does your heart hurt

  when romance fades away?

Is romance the true act of love

  or is being desired the reason?

Why is there a need to be desired?

Is it truly a want

  or just something we need?

Must there always be 

  sadness with happiness?

Am I strong enough 

  to weather any storm?

Will I be missed

  after saying goodbye?

What makes a person memorable?

Is it what they see

  or what they know?

Was I ever truly accepted

  or pitied?

Questions of life....

    Do I really want to know the answers?

The games people play....

Morning friends :)
Random thoughts running through my mind that decided that today is the day I share them with you all...  and it is about time I do so...

Why must life consist of games?  In the past, I shared with all of you the game that I learned of after playing it so terribly...  The 'I win, you lose' game.  If you cannot recall the basis of the game... here it is in a nutshell....  "I made up this game to guarantee that no matter how hard you try you will always be wrong because the rules that I never really shared with you will change to my liking at any time so you can never be right.... Thus, I will always win and you will always lose."  Vicious game, if you ask me.  If it is played well, you never see it coming.  Well, I found another one that should be brought to light.  I think I can coin this one......  Fishing for vulnerabilities.

The game is simple, yet a little complicated.  All you need is a willing victim of your past or even a willing new one gullible to take the bait.  You create or rebuild a friendship with this person, build them up, and crush them like a bug.  All it takes is some fake honesty, some select lies, and a planned time frame.  Well, knowing your limitations sure does help.  Believe me, I have been a victim of this game before and I think I am an easy target, too.  Just be nice and believe that every person has good intentions and there might as well been a huge flashing, neon bulls eye flashing on your forehead.  Yep, the "sucker here" sign must have been flashing pretty darn bright on me lately because I actually felt sorry for a person that I should have never felt sorry for in the first place.

Now, the intended goal of this game is still not clear, but I can definitely see the plethora of optional goals that can be achieved.  So far, I have seen the vulnerabilities game offer the winner a boost of morale or confidence that can almost be labeled as a "notch in ones belt" because they still have something over you.  I guess that is why this game, along with the 'I win, you lose' game can be vicious if played properly.  Both end up becoming something completely devastating once the realization hits that you have been played.  The only protection anyone has from this game of fishing for vulnerabilities is to never believe in anyone's intentions, words or actions.  Makes it pretty hard to trust anyone.  As for the 'I win, you lose' game, I still have not figured a way to turn the tables and level the playing field for that one.

I just wonder why must people feel compelled to play these games.  Oh, believe me, there are probably more games out there and I guess I am the test subject for all of them.  I just seem to lack the ability to look through the B.S. until it is too late.  I should be totally angered by the fact that there are players of these games out there, but you know what????  I should be thanking them.  If it was not for them to play that game on me so well, I would have been remaining in that blissful ignorance of an existence.  So for those that have managed to knock off yet another layer of that rose colored tint on my glasses of life...  I want to thank you for making me that much smarter.  Things are looking a little brighter for me and choosing me as your victim only makes your little secret game a little less of a secret.  Now, aren't you a little disappointed that you chose to play this game with me, huh?  The only thing that has saddened me just a little is that I had to be played to learn about it.  Eh, I will get over it...

Have a great day everyone :)

Progress report....

Morning :)
After hearing about so many people dying over the past few weeks, it is nice to finally have some good news in my life.  As you all can recall, back in July of 2011, my DH was admitted into the hospital with excessive fluid in his lungs with an irregular, yet fast beating heart.  Atrial Fibrillation is what it is called and it is not something I would ever wish upon my worst enemy (if I really had one).  There are plenty of people that are capable of living a full life with Atrial Fibrillation (aka A-fib), as long as you are under a cardiologist's care.  Medications-a-plenty is the common routine.  That day he was admitted into the hospital will forever be etched in my mind.  Scared not just me, but him, too.  No matter how difficult things were then, it seemed to not matter anymore.  The look of fear in his eyes as he was trying to breathe was enough to blow away all the bitterness and anger of how things were not as good as they were.  We were on the brink of becoming a divorce statistic just a year ago and after this experience, we seem to have rebuilt a crumbling foundation in our marriage.  No, it is still not perfect, but it is far stronger and far better than it has been in years.  I still need to get used to DH coming home at a decent hour and it is amazing at how quitting smoking and drinking has changed his appearance.  I think he is looking better than he did when I married him.  A little grayer in the hair, but looking quite well.  In fact, he finally started opening up to me about his feelings and his fears... Of which both were a rare subject spoken from his lips.  Well, the speaking of fears did not happen until after our neighbor/friend passed away just almost 3 weeks ago.  Hearing his fears were a little unsettling, at first, just understandable, justifiable, and even was a shared concern between us.

Well, onward to the good news....

DH had taken his health seriously after being in the hospital and it is paying off.  After numerous visits with his doctors, eating healthier, going for evening walks after work, quitting smoking AND borderline quitting drinking (believe me, Old Style is losing some serious sales since his his scare).... his cardiologist is just about ready to post his picture in the medical journals for most miraculous recovery from a Cardioversion treatment. Right now, his heart is strong and getting stronger.  His irregular beat is back to normal.  His pulse rate is back to normal.  All-in-all, he is the picture of perfect health and has zero signs of ever having A-fib in the first place.  Since the cardiologist is so impressed with his recovery, he just might get off all those medications and be back to normal like this never happened.  All it takes is this one thing, and if it proves that all is well, he will be weaned off his meds and only need to see the cardiologist 2 times a year....  There is just one catch....  He needs to be monitored at all times with a monitor he needs to wear for 30 days to see if his A-fib is actually gone and there are no issues.  You see, A-fib can happen at any time and straighten itself out just as fast.  When DH was in for his Echocardiogram last week, the results showed that he is at perfect health and no signs of A-fib.  With this month long test, we get to know if his heart is as good as it has been (even in his sleep).  I am just so proud of him.  He, on the other hand, is just thrilled to get the opportunity to get off the meds and not be in constant fear.  He and I have one thing in common.... we both hate taking pills and like to not be in fear all the time.

Now, it is just a waiting game because this test takes time, but I have faith that he will be just fine.  I just hope that if he does get better, he does not go back to his old ways.  He took on all those changes because of his heart and he had to.  Those medications required him to clean up his act.  If he is no longer needing to take those medications, he just might try to revert back to his old habits because the threat is no longer there.  I just hope and pray that he remains healthy and keeps on the right path.  I am just getting used to the new DH.

Well, there you have it.... some good news... finally!

Thanks for reading and have a glorious day....

Is it really goodbye?

Today was the day that the friends and family of my departed neighbor gathered together to celebrate his life.  I just feel that it is so odd to celebrate a life cut short, but I now understand it was more of a way to embrace the memories and share with others stories of what made my neighbor so special.  I guess it is a far better way to be remembered with pictures and stories as opposed to the solemn pain of looking upon a person whose life is over in a box.  The final goodbyes of the person that managed to become more than just a neighbor, but a friend will be etched in my memory banks.  You see, it is far rarer to see a young person pass before "their time" in my life. Usually, the funerals that I have attended were of family members far older than I am that died of understandable, yet always unaccepted because we want our loved ones to live forever, means.  Hearing of a person that has not really experienced all that life had to offer pass so suddenly tends to leave a sense of questions we prefer to not think about when it comes to our own mortality.  I just remember what my parents would tell me about life and death.  Even as I have gotten older, the reasons for a person dying is still quite choppy and confusing, but I remember being told a few of these things that were supposed to soften the blow when dealing with loss.....

One reason I have heard is this....  "God called his child to come back to heaven because the job that they were supposed to complete is done."  Now, my question is... what was that job and how does anyone know that it is finished?  Really, where is it written that we have a specific purpose in life to achieve before God decides we are to die?  I would like to know because if I knew what my purpose is... I would like to take my time achieving it because I like to be among the living for a while longer.  No matter how trying life can be, I would rather deal with it than walk away from it all.  I guess that is why suicide has never been the answer for me.

Another reason I have heard is that there are two parts to every person....  A tangible side that people can touch and see, and an intangible side that is commonly called the spirit of a person.  The spirit of the person defines who they are.  Well, a time will come that the tangible part of a person will wear down and die off.  That part was never to last forever, but the spiritual side will live on.  I guess that this is the option I tend to lean upon at times when people that I care about pass away.  I believe that as long as the spirit remains and memories are kept alive, people never really leave us.  At least there is the comfort that there is no more pain when the spiritual side is released from the tangible side.

I guess my question of the day is.....  Is it really goodbye if the memory stays alive?   I know that I will never see my neighbor's face or hear his cynical rhetoric about politics, but only that part is gone.  The memory remains.  After being at this celebration of the life of my neighbor, meeting a broad spectrum of people that knew and loved him, and the stories shared about a person that managed to touch the lives of so many... How could anyone think that he is gone forever?  I never got the courage to step up in front of all of these people to share my thoughts or offer a decent eulogy, but knowing what I know and seeing people that most would never think could share a common thought of one person, be together in a room, reminiscing, laughing and crying together taught me one thing today.....

Being the person you choose to be does not limit you to the lives you are capable of touching.  It is the lives that you are capable of touching that makes you more than what you thought you were.  Think of it this way....  You never know how special you really are until after you are gone.  Sadly, we tend to not see how blessed we truly are.  After today's experience, it definitely makes me see things differently.  I have a little more appreciation of who I know, what I have and who I am.....

Stages...

When a person experiences something, we process feelings about it.  It could be excitement, fear, comfort, anger, happiness, and so on.  The most widely well known set of stages is called the stages of grieving from loss.  Now, while I am not an expert on the subject, I do recall some of the stages...  I believe there is anger, bargaining, fear, sadness and acceptance in some random order.  Some people tend to react in the textbook listing of dealing with loss while others tend to be a bit more random, but the end result is the same.  I think it all has to do with what you know and what you choose to accept.

It is widely known, and in various degrees accepted, that we are all destined to die.  That is part of life.  When we die is not stamped on the bottom of our feet and there is no predetermined time frame of which we are allowed to live.  Things happen.  I guess that is why the levels of grief change from person to person.  In the experience of my Dad passing a little over 10 years ago, I felt pain like no other could imagine... well, except for my Mom.  Losing her soul mate definitely trumped my pain of losing my Dad.  It was pretty close, but I can definitely see the pain in my Mom's eyes today and they match the pain she had years ago.  Things like that stay with you forever.  Eventually, the pain eases a bit, but memories stay with you forever.  I have had experiences of losing friends, but never carried the pain that clearly on my face.  Those people remain in my heart... I have scars to prove it, but I do manage to move on after a while.  I am one to hold things in a lot, but with the recent loss of my neighbor, my friend...  I seem to have some issues that seem to be affecting me terribly about it.  Let me share some of my thoughts and maybe together we can figure how to surpass this stage and be able to ease my mind a little.....

You see, when my neighbor passed... there was questions, and a lot of them.  Most likely because there was no signs beforehand.  You know, when an elderly person is nearing the end it is because of an illness or complications in health because of old age... you are a little more prepared to know that the end is near.  Still difficult to accept when it does happen, but the stages do go a little faster.  When it is for a younger person and there is zero signs of any major health issues or suicidal tendencies, it makes a person question the reason for such an early passing. I guess that is why I became even more curious  the next day.  I mustered up the courage to walk past the front of my neighbor's house and saw a crime scene sticker sealing his front door.  Not knowing why that was placed there because the officer told me that he passed of natural causes and now thinking it was quite the opposite because of that sticker.  Age was not something that was discussed between my neighbor and myself, I figured he was in his late 40's to later find out that he was only 54.  Still, that is not an age to readily accept natural causes because he was healthy except for his back issues since his accident at work.  His attitude was upbeat and promising when I spoke to him in my driveway just a few days earlier, so suicide was not even considered.  Looking back through the shock from the events, I even wondered why there were officers searching all around his home, in his garage, in the bushes and inside if it was stated to me that it was because of natural causes.  It brought back memories of seeing events at the Brown's Chicken Restaurant in Palatine, Illinois, where there was a mass murder committed.  I remember that day and seeing the commotion as I was on my way to work.  The connection clicked and that is why I became even more curious.... and scared.  It makes a person wonder if anyone is safe these days.  Just the thought of death that everyone will face has become a major discomfort to me, irregardless that the one who passes never feels any pain, that life goes on for those you left behind, and so on... it is the curiosity of what happens in the mind of a person that had made so many plans in the future....  You know, the will to live and denied to do so.

I guess I found a new stage for people to ponder upon.  Sorry about that.  Just needed to get it out of my head.

As I tried to explain to my darling husband (or as I fondly call him DH for so many reasons) my feelings about the current events on our block, I just can't explain how I feel without making him think I am an over-thinking whack-a-doodle or someone afraid of their own shadow (of which I am not) because a neighbor died.  If it was accidental because of all the pain meds he was on I think I would have a better grip on accepting that I will not see him ever again on his motorcycle, in his truck, or yelling out his window to say "hi" to me.  If foul play is at hand... then I am a bit concerned for the safety of everyone in the area because he was a victim.  I guess that in handling death, you do need to know the reason before you can go through the stages of loss.  As for now... Being in clueless limbo makes it really hard to come to terms that they are gone because every time I hear a Harley zip past my house, or see a truck like my neighbor's be stopped at the corner... I will look to see if it is him.  As for looking across the street and see his house with all the windows dark... I still get shivers.

Morning friends.

Just did not feel like adding a title to today's blog because there comes a time that reflection leaves the mind to never having a name.

Yesterday, was just like any other ordinary Sunday... or so I thought.  Waking up to feed my family breakfast, make the grocery list, go to church and all the while, dealing with the annoyances that DH and DD can shovel at me and wonder how it is possible that I feel like I am the only adult in this scenario.  That all changed last night.  You see, last night, I watched my neighbor be wheeled out of his home to never return.

Let me share a little story about my neighbor, Guy, and how this person managed to dig a deep place into my tapestry of life and managed to teach me something about friendships.

Just about 11 years ago, possibly earlier, DH and I were getting a new neighbor across the street.  DH was not all that interested in getting to know his neighbors because being a mechanic, he has the predisposition of believing that every friend ends up with conditions that require him to be the town handyman.  To a certain degree, I see his point.  He has been dragged off to fix stuff for people on his days off, but I have not been asked to do a thing.  I guess being a hairdresser is not a real high demand favor to ask from.... Oh well.

While trying to make this blog a little shorter because I feel I can write a novel over this, I need to try to condense a few things like, how a person that basically kept to himself became a friend that touched the heart of every person he came across.  Nicest person I have ever met that got a bad deal from the deck of cards, but still managed to play til the end.  Guy, bought his house for his fiance' and ended up staying there alone.  His wife-to-be got cold feet and ran before the "I do's" were to commence.  I had a feeling that he was really hurt by her leaving because he remained in that home, alone.  All it took was for a broken water main and a concerned neighbor that floods a lot to create a friendship that changes your perception of people.  Just the comfort to know that someone is looking out for you can create a friendship that requires virtually no effort.  I guess that is how we became good friends.  Being fully immersed in his job, he worked all the time, but always managed to say "hi" and always ask how my family is doing.  He cared about the well-being of my daughter and became a friend with a hearty hello with jokes-a-plenty with my husband.  He was injured on the job and was unable to work.  Fell off a ladder and landed flat on his back caused for him to have surgeries to fix it and left him in pain that required many medications and days on his back when the pain would flare up.  He and I understood how back pain can make a person cry, and he and I have cried plenty.  When the pain was minimal and the days were nice, he filled his time with helping others, including me.  When the weather was nice you could see him riding around on his Harley and giving rides to all that asked him.  He was not working for almost 2 years because of his injury and was struggling to stay afloat because workman's comp was cheating him out of the assistance he needed, but being a single person living alone, he did what he could.  His kindness never had strings attached, he always managed to have a smile on his face, and even as things were tough, he managed to hold onto the hope that things were to get better.  Sadly, all of that came to an end because he died in his home last night.

As my day was starting to wind down, DH and I were watching some TV while DD was multitasking in her room with being on the computer and watching TV, flashes from the fire truck and ambulance lit up my windows.  Shortly after that, 3 police cars came along.  Everything was held very close to the chest with this crew.  The deputy fire chief arrives for a while.  There was no fire to see.  Was not sure if it was a gas leak because everything seemed very contained in his house.  Guy had a friend stay over with him.  A lady friend, so to speak and I wondered what could have possibly happened.  All the neighbors that knew Guy were standing outside their homes, looking with concern on their faces.  The deputy fire chief leaves, the ambulance and fire truck leaves and nobody was brought out on a stretcher.  Thinking that it could not be all that serious, we start going back inside our homes.  But curiosity has us all looking out our windows.  Guy's lady friend sits in the police car, waiting for a family member to pick her up, but not seeing Guy makes me wonder even more.  My concern starts to grow and I am back outside looking for a police officer to see me and notice my concern.  Maybe I can get some answers.  A few officers are wandering around outside with flashlights, looking around outside Guy's house.  A sick feeling in my gut is telling me that something is not right and that Guy has passed.  Feeling concerned and scared, I finally get the attention of a police officer to have my worst fears confirmed that my neighbor, my friend, has passed away.  I answer some odd questions about like when was the last time I saw my neighbor, how well did I know him, and do I know any of his family members.  I did the best that I could.  Since he suffers from back issues, seeing him is random, but I did see and talked to him just a few days ago, I know that he has a sister, but I never formally met her, and I have not noticed anything strange happening at his home.  Wanting to cry because I am having a hard time believing that a young man (in his late 40's/early 50's) is dead.  Guy has been my friend for a long time.  We looked out for each other.  We tend to notice how life is way too short when death hits so close to home and knowing someone considered so young has their life cut short.

Knowing one thing through all these years is how alone a person who passes ends up being, well, except for the ones that have family and friends at their side when the final breath is taken.  I sat up half the night, waiting to see if Guy's sister was to come over.  Still a little bothered by the idea that the paramedics did not take Guy out of his home earlier, I waited for the coroner to come.  Just a sleek, black SUV arrives, no distinctive markings on it whatsoever..  Looking a little like a covert mission is about to commence, the back opens and a stretcher is pulled out.  I knew that my neighbors were watching because as I was standing outside my home, they joined me and watched as they carted him out (in a body bag) on that stretcher and placed him in the back of that SUV.  The car leaves, the police are still there for a while longer to lock up his home and they leave.  Knowing that I will never see my friend riding around on his Harley, stopping by to say "hi" to me or the neighbors, or offering a hand to anyone in need is going to be an adjustment that is going to take a really long time for me.  Friends like that are hard to find, ya know.  When you lose one, it is hard to set your feeling straight.  Needless to say... his sister never showed, but one thing I believe Guy knows is that he was not alone when he was removed from his home...  His neighbors were there... the friends most other people tend to overlook, but Guy never took for granted.  Goodbye, friend....  You will be missed....