Stages...

When a person experiences something, we process feelings about it.  It could be excitement, fear, comfort, anger, happiness, and so on.  The most widely well known set of stages is called the stages of grieving from loss.  Now, while I am not an expert on the subject, I do recall some of the stages...  I believe there is anger, bargaining, fear, sadness and acceptance in some random order.  Some people tend to react in the textbook listing of dealing with loss while others tend to be a bit more random, but the end result is the same.  I think it all has to do with what you know and what you choose to accept.

It is widely known, and in various degrees accepted, that we are all destined to die.  That is part of life.  When we die is not stamped on the bottom of our feet and there is no predetermined time frame of which we are allowed to live.  Things happen.  I guess that is why the levels of grief change from person to person.  In the experience of my Dad passing a little over 10 years ago, I felt pain like no other could imagine... well, except for my Mom.  Losing her soul mate definitely trumped my pain of losing my Dad.  It was pretty close, but I can definitely see the pain in my Mom's eyes today and they match the pain she had years ago.  Things like that stay with you forever.  Eventually, the pain eases a bit, but memories stay with you forever.  I have had experiences of losing friends, but never carried the pain that clearly on my face.  Those people remain in my heart... I have scars to prove it, but I do manage to move on after a while.  I am one to hold things in a lot, but with the recent loss of my neighbor, my friend...  I seem to have some issues that seem to be affecting me terribly about it.  Let me share some of my thoughts and maybe together we can figure how to surpass this stage and be able to ease my mind a little.....

You see, when my neighbor passed... there was questions, and a lot of them.  Most likely because there was no signs beforehand.  You know, when an elderly person is nearing the end it is because of an illness or complications in health because of old age... you are a little more prepared to know that the end is near.  Still difficult to accept when it does happen, but the stages do go a little faster.  When it is for a younger person and there is zero signs of any major health issues or suicidal tendencies, it makes a person question the reason for such an early passing. I guess that is why I became even more curious  the next day.  I mustered up the courage to walk past the front of my neighbor's house and saw a crime scene sticker sealing his front door.  Not knowing why that was placed there because the officer told me that he passed of natural causes and now thinking it was quite the opposite because of that sticker.  Age was not something that was discussed between my neighbor and myself, I figured he was in his late 40's to later find out that he was only 54.  Still, that is not an age to readily accept natural causes because he was healthy except for his back issues since his accident at work.  His attitude was upbeat and promising when I spoke to him in my driveway just a few days earlier, so suicide was not even considered.  Looking back through the shock from the events, I even wondered why there were officers searching all around his home, in his garage, in the bushes and inside if it was stated to me that it was because of natural causes.  It brought back memories of seeing events at the Brown's Chicken Restaurant in Palatine, Illinois, where there was a mass murder committed.  I remember that day and seeing the commotion as I was on my way to work.  The connection clicked and that is why I became even more curious.... and scared.  It makes a person wonder if anyone is safe these days.  Just the thought of death that everyone will face has become a major discomfort to me, irregardless that the one who passes never feels any pain, that life goes on for those you left behind, and so on... it is the curiosity of what happens in the mind of a person that had made so many plans in the future....  You know, the will to live and denied to do so.

I guess I found a new stage for people to ponder upon.  Sorry about that.  Just needed to get it out of my head.

As I tried to explain to my darling husband (or as I fondly call him DH for so many reasons) my feelings about the current events on our block, I just can't explain how I feel without making him think I am an over-thinking whack-a-doodle or someone afraid of their own shadow (of which I am not) because a neighbor died.  If it was accidental because of all the pain meds he was on I think I would have a better grip on accepting that I will not see him ever again on his motorcycle, in his truck, or yelling out his window to say "hi" to me.  If foul play is at hand... then I am a bit concerned for the safety of everyone in the area because he was a victim.  I guess that in handling death, you do need to know the reason before you can go through the stages of loss.  As for now... Being in clueless limbo makes it really hard to come to terms that they are gone because every time I hear a Harley zip past my house, or see a truck like my neighbor's be stopped at the corner... I will look to see if it is him.  As for looking across the street and see his house with all the windows dark... I still get shivers.