Fighting for what is right is one thing, but fighting just to be heard is another. After numerous attempts to be heard in my own home, I decided to throw in the towel. You see, there comes a time in life when you have only 2 choices... Accept it or fight to change it.
I live in a home with 2 very lovely people, but very stubborn people. When they have their mind made up, it is best to just accept that there will be no reasoning with them.
I have come to the conclusion that people really do not change. Oh, they have their intentions to change, maybe even a thought might have crossed their mind, but if the desire is truly not there... there will never be any change. Being married for almost 13 years should be the indication that getting married is no reason to change the way you think or act. I am really trying to be reasonable about this, but I think I have finally hit my limit. Please keep in mind, I love my family dearly, but I am getting the very strong impression that I am not a pivotal part of their lives. DD and DH have a strong resolve when it comes to things and no matter how hard I try to bring them to see my point of view, I get shut out. In fact, I think that they see this as a game to play and only they know the rules.
Currently, there are only 2 games currently playing that just make me frustrated to no end.....
1). My mom/wife's a moron game..... This is where no matter what I say, do, think, act, react, not react will forever be completely wrong. Family time consists of doing nothing together except stare at the TV and try to drive each other batty. Constant quarreling over why one insists on always being late coming home and the other refusing to do as asked. Basically, live life like I am not even here.
2). The seven degrees of separation to it being a money issue game..... Basically just like the seven degrees of separation to Kevin Bacon game. You know, mentioning one actor and connecting them to the likes of a movie with Kevin Bacon in it through other actors and movies except this one always boils down to a dollar sign. I have tried to play this game, but no matter how justified a purchase is, I still ask for permission to be slammed with those hurtful words that I am a frivolous spender in the end.
Basically, both games are hurtful and I usually end up either crying myself to sleep or being so frustrated that I cry anyway after I get trumped.
I have come to the conclusion that I cannot fight them anymore. I have lost all ability to try after today's debacle. After being treated to lunch by my mom for all that I do for her (and it is also her way of not letting me feel left out because both DD and DH got something from her for Easter), we went walking around a couple of stores. One was a place my mom wanted to go to and the other was for me to do a little research on MAYBE getting permission to purchase a camcorder to make a video of DD's black belt ceremony for her Taekwondo class. She has been studying Taekwondo for years and finally making it to black belt status is a big milestone in her life. I also figured that we could take videos of all the plays and choir performances, too. Well, I felt confident enough to look and figured that I could ask DH about acquiring one and what the price range is. I gave him a call, knowing that he went home for lunch and was not actually disrupting his day. Well, the game hit right out of the starting block and I got my ear bent for even thinking about a camcorder. There was zero appreciation that I was playing by the rules of the game and stated the reason for looking and was even asking for his permission to purchase. I would have thought that he would have been a little nicer with expressing his thought process and by the time I got off the phone, I was in tears. Now, I was told that we can discuss this once he gets home, but I know that it will be late, he and I will be too tired to talk about it, and if it he starts again with the game of 7 degrees of separation to money and end with my wife's a moron, I will be crushed beyond all repair. Sleep will be terrible and my confidence level to slap a smile on my face as I get slammed down again will be that much harder tomorrow.
Knowing that my confidence level is already compromised, I should have known better than to ask, I thought I could at least try. I think I will just go curl up in a corner with an apology letter pinned to my sleeve so I can avoid the potential devastation that awaits me when he gets home. At least the only saving grace is my inability to just do it and deal with the consequences. Nope, no camcorder was purchased today.... Nope, it won't happen tomorrow.... I definitely won't happen any time soon... The only guarantee that I have is that I will be treated like a moron, slapped with a few choice hurtful words and I get to go back to pretending that I am just so thrilled to be alive every time they see me. Yep, hide the hurt behind a smile again, keep my head down, and just do my required duties of being a caregiver, a cook, and a maid.
eeeek.
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