The never ending dispute.....

Have you ever argued or debated in such a manner that there will never be an agreed upon conclusion?  It is based upon the stubbornness of those involved and their desire to have the other person crumble to accept defeat.  There really is only so much stubborn dispute a person can take before they decide to give up and give in to have the apparently endless banter/bickering end.  While it is honorable to stand firm upon your beliefs, it would be far greater appreciated when both parties look at the information presented in a neutral manner.  Most arguments are opportunities to learn about something in a different light.  This goes back to perceptions and how people create their conclusions based upon individually gathered experiences.

For the past 14 years ago, I have been in a never ending debate over various things.  The past 12 years, the debates have compounded due to the fact that there is another person joining in.  While some of the past 12 years was based more upon the stubborn drive for independence, you can see where my dilemma has taken residence.  Now, I am not saying that this issue is everyone else's fault, but I cannot take the full ownership of it either.  I just happen to be the one that gives up or gives in all the time.

The conclusions that I have come to have been complied from years of constant exposure.  Not all have been true debates worth fighting over, but they managed to either become yet another thorn in my side.  While compromise and acceptance has become something that only I am doing to rectify the situation, the debates have become a little less frequent and consistent.  As I am able to take a moment to gather my bearings and think about it.....  I am not sure about things as I have been, but I will admit this.....  I am mentally exhausted.

Frustration does come to mind because of my endless efforts to conform in order to please those around me without consideration of my feelings.  Lately I have been feeling more like a trained dog than a part of this family.  With dogs being loyal to a fault and always scurrying to please their master as the core value to this feeling that I have been having....  I have also put on one hell of an act to make it appear that I am ecstatic to see these people no matter how little they respect my opinions, thoughts, feelings and beliefs.  For almost 14 years, I have fought with vigor to be heard, understood, and appreciated with one person.  As I have constantly explained away the reasons how there is resentment in the responsibilities I was asked to take on, I think it is high time look at the cold, hard truth and stop sugar coating everything to make it not look so bad.  The past 12 years have been the tag team battle that should not be.  The other person being tagged in while the other is focused elsewhere is just struggling to be more independent than they should be.

If you have not figured it out by now....  it is DH and DD.  DH and I have argued over things that was presented after we got married.  I truly believe that he had no clue what marriage is except that we are to stay together forever.  Either that was just his way of avoiding losing me or he thought that this is what I wanted when we started dating.  Heck, he proposed 4 months into the relationship, but it was I that dragged on the engagement for a year and 8 months before we got married.  Of course, the reason I dragged it out was that I was not sure that he was the one.  During that time, he proved himself to me that he was worthy to be and we got married.  The moment that the vows were exchanged.....  he reverted back to his bachelor-like ways with hanging with the boys more and hanging with me less.  He was assured that his house is well tended for.  When DD was born, he was assured that she was cared for.  In fact, before DD was born, we had a long talk about if I was going to be going back to work or staying home to raise our child.  He presented a compelling argument (and won) that tradition should be upheld and that there should be a full time parental presence for her; that family comes first.  Since he was making more than I was, he made it clear that I should be the one taking that responsibility.  His only allowed loophole to that plan was that I was allowed to work one day a week for my own personal sanity (of which I also thought that he needed to be a parent in this scenario since his hanging with the boys has never stopped.  Even when I told him I was pregnant.), and that day was (and still is) on Saturdays.  I believed that if DH experienced what it is like to raise a child... for even one day a week...  he would show a little more appreciation for what I do just about every day since I sacrificed my career for the family we have and would want to become a more solid part of it.  I was so wrong!  He became the poster child for couch potato and far too eager to hand over the reins of childcare once I stepped foot in the house.  He appreciates his beer, buddies and fun over the responsibilities of a wife and child.  He financially supports us, but the connection stops there.

As for DD...  Well, her reluctance to see things differently was been a constant battle of wills.  She was, and still is, one stubborn child.  It started at 6 months of age and has not stopped.  Her determination to do things on her own was stronger than I could have ever imagined.  The food jags, the determination to feed herself, dressing herself, learning to walk and even potty training were demanded upon by her to let her do it herself. Believe me, I tried and she fought with me every step of the way.  I had spent countless hours scrubbing walls of food she did not want to eat, the temper tantrums when I tried to help her learn how to walk, the downright refusal to let me help her become potty trained, and the destruction of countless outfits in refusal to wearing them.  Even now she fights with me over things.  The refusal to clean her room as asked, I know is a normal thing, but her resolve to not throw away a paper plate or throw out a wrapper or even food she refuses to finish is just ridiculous.  You would think that she would eventually do something on her own, but she seems content to live in filth.  I just happen to have a similar resolve to not live in filth, but sadly, even my attempts of keeping this house clean is wearing me down.  Between DH and DD, I am fighting a losing battle.... My attempts at keeping this house clean is just as productive as eating an Oreo cookie while brushing my teeth.  It gets dirty while I try to clean.  Even with some recent discussions with DD, I have only managed to get through to her ever so slightly, but when she decides to debate an issue.... she uses stupidity and really random crap to frustrate me to just walk away before I lose my cool.  She is a smart kid when she decides to be, but loves to annoy the crap out of me with completely irrelevant stuff and unbelievable imagination for the dramatic.  Who could have a productive argument over intentional stupidity?  She thinks she can and tries all the time.  She even contradicts herself with her demands and thinks it is acceptable only when she sees it as a benefit to only her.  She is so like her father!  He does the same thing, for crying out loud!!

As I figured that I should let things go and not care, it is not in my genetic makeup to do just that, so I keep on trying.  I tell them how I feel and they are at least kind enough to change for a little while for my sanity, but they always return to their old ways.  Even I am to blame for this situation....  Yesterday, DH complained that the water pitcher in the fridge was empty and he was tired of refilling it all the time.  While that is a serious over-dramatization since I know that I do it all the time.... he left the empty pitcher in the fridge and stormed back to work.  DD did not offer to take care of it, she told me about it since I was at the library when DH came home for lunch and I ended up filling the container again.  Something as simple as a 30 second action is avoided like the plague and only I end up doing it.  Same thing regarding dirty clothes.  The pair of them have turned the floor into their own personal hamper, but in their eyes... they already know that I will pick it up, wash it, dry it, fold it and put it away where it belongs.  Even during my protest days when I just flat out refused to clean up after them.... they held their resolve until I just caved in and did it for them.  so tell me this....  Why do I always have to be the one to give in?  How did I let them wear me down to just give up?  Why does this need to happen to me?  I really do not want to argue over this trivial crap that amassed into something huge, but why are they always building up these arguments?  Wouldn't you think they are tired of it, too?  Apparently not since they keep doing this to me over and over and over again.....  I am starting to believe that this is what life is going to be... no matter who I would have been with.  If I did not marry DH, would there have been a guarantee that this would have never happened?  If I was to leave DH and be with someone else (highly unlikely because I am certainly no catch), would this just keep repeating itself?  I am starting to have my doubts that this is going to get better either way I see it.  I guess it is time to just embrace yet another disappointment and move forward the best I can......

All in the eye of the beholder.....

What we see dictates the first impression.  A smile can represent happiness or contentment, a frown can represent sadness or deep concentration, a scowl can represent anger or disgust.  In order to truly know the meaning behind the exterior appearance is to take the time to gather information to make that assessment.  Gathering information is like looking at the inner workings or reading the pages of a book.  What we attain from our assessment is based upon feeling or presumption that it is fact.  The only way to what is considered the truth is to look at things at all angles and see where the same result comes forward.  While people can state without conviction that what they are sharing is the truth, there is going to always be speculation and that is how it is going to always be.

A recent book that I read proved to me that nobody really sees the same thing or comes to the same conclusion.  Especially when it comes to what is considered funny or not.  Same holds true to what people see as serious or beautiful or ugly or even honest.  There is always a second option standing in the shadows. It is up to you to decide which option it is and let everything go its course, but we need to be open to embrace the result... good, bad or indifferent.  That book I read was not what I was looking for, but I could not discount the fact that it was a well written book, nonetheless.  It just brought upon feelings I was not seeking.  Regardless that someone else found it funny and I did not, does not prove that they were right or I was wrong or vise versa, but it did prove that perceptions are in the eye of the beholder and will reflect differently than what others will see.

Somehow this revelation of how a perception, based first upon sight, is further made by feeling.  If the feeling is not mutual, there is a potential for argument regarding who is right and who is wrong.  It takes a strong person to accept the notion that it is okay to agree to disagree and move forward.  Challenges about feelings offers growth through learning.  Our spectrum of sight becomes larger and our level of understanding grows. Along the way, we manage to learn that what is good for one is not necessarily good for another.  We have a choice to conform or to change enough to make it livable, but sadly, people with their emotional attachment and strong resolve to always stand by their convictions makes it really hard to be open for inner growth.  They see things as black or white...  it is either right or wrong with no concessions of reason.  It is those gray areas that offer tolerance and understanding.  Heck, even forgiveness and trust have conditions attached to them.  While it is far easier to forgive, it is far more difficult to trust as easily.

While most people, even the ones that are rigid in their perceptions, do offer moments of tolerance and acceptance (those gray areas), but only at the benefit of their own needs.  These acts are few and far between.  It takes a fair amount of taking before they start go give.  Some times it is too late to mend the pain rendered to another by their single vision ways and their actions will be questioned.  It takes stronger effort to change the views of another to see that effort is being made.  Especially when there has been a very long stretch of lacking what is needed.  Change should not be seen as temporary.

What makes perceptions, beliefs and acceptable behavior the way it is for an individual is what is learned or passed down from generation to generation.  History will continue to repeat itself if you refuse to allow yourself to open your mind to a broader spectrum of thinking.  While what you see is not what others see, it is a barricade to shutting out the possibility that you could be wrong.  I wonder how to break down that barrier to allow more light to be seen.  With the repeat of my history glaring down at DD when it comes to appearance or how thin a person needs to be in order to be loved by another, what personality a person needs to possess to get the attention of another, what needs to be done to become popular or well-liked by the masses, or even considering how our actions affect others positively/negatively.  Is our whole existence based upon the perceptions of others or is it based upon seeking the truth within.  I wonder if others feel the same way that I do.....

Thanks for reading.....  Have a great day!

Why?

I just do not get it!!  Friday night, as I was sitting up... waiting for DH to come home while reading a book to entertain me.  Everything seemed to be going well.  The talk earlier in the week with DD managed to be heard... FINALLY, and my plans to accept things as they are between DH and I seemed to be back on line.  I was actually having a reasonably predictable and nice day.  Well, DH comes walking into the house with his jovial attitude in full swing and after some good avoidance skills of upsetting him, I felt assured that there was not going to be a repeat performance of the scary mood flip that was painful to endure.  All of the sudden, DH gets the itch to go for a walk around the block since the weather has been nice and asks DD and I if we would like to go with him.  Usually, I do not mind going outside for some fresh air and walking is a good form of exercise, but it was 11:00 in the evening and I was winding down with a little reading before I headed off to bed.... It was not really a good time to go wandering around the neighborhood.  DD declines the offer to go for a walk, as well as I offered my most sincerest of declines of the offer.  Then DH pulls out a bribe that he never uses to get my attention.....

"Aw, come on, Nancy, I will even hold your hand while we go for a walk if you join me", DH says.  Yep, he offered a bribe to get me to go with him, and a bribe of something I have asked for a long time and was never offered....  That is, until that very moment.

Every time I tried to hold DH's hand while on our evening stroll, I was denied or ignored.  I offered no signs of frustration over the fact that DH appears to be unable to offer any public displays of affection.  I believe that if a person wants to offer a simple act of kindness... it should be their desire to do so and to not be told to do it.  Since holding hands is considered a romantic thing to DH and he claims he is not the romantic type, I found it odd that he now decides to offer.

I do recall mentioning to someone that DH and I know (in passing, of course) about my feelings over the fact that DH does not have a romantic bone in his body and receiving a simple gesture like holding my hand is something I will never be offered to me by him freely.  The knowledge that this is something I have to live with regardless of my need for reassurance that I am worthy of acts like this never happening is the reason why I detached myself emotionally in this marriage.  It does not mean I love him less... it means I refuse to get hurt over those little things.  I just figured that a topic like that would not be talked about to DH from a person that is not directly involved.  This is something DH needed to figure out himself without outside help.  Really, acts of kindness are supposed to be a choice and not a requirement.  I figured that everyone thought that way...  I guess not.  With 14 years of blissful ignorance on DH's behalf... it made me curious why the sudden offer and came to the conclusion that someone told him.  If he would have asked me, I would have told him, but NO.... he gets that information handed to him on a silver platter from someone else.  This was obviously a zero effort plan and it was used as a bribe to get me to do something he wanted to do when I was not up for a late night stroll around the neighborhood.

Needless to say....  I was upset.  While I appreciated the gesture, I was (and still am) bothered by the fact that someone else needed to tell him something that he should have figured out himself.  I think what manages to bother me most is the feeling that he used this information to bribe his way to getting what he wants and has no consideration of how this can be construed as emotional warfare.  I guess he did not think this through as I have and most likely never will.  Well, goes to show me that others speak volumes and I am apparently mute and stupid in his eyes.

There has been a very long track record of how my voice is never heard and how he listens to everyone else but me.  One example in particular was when DH shared a dilemma with his business with me.  I offered a solution that was solid, feasible and should be looked into.  His response was to tell me that I had no clue what I was talking about and that my idea was stupid.  A couple of weeks later, his business partner mentioned the exact same idea that I offered and it became the greatest idea since sliced bread because his business partner thought of it.  After being informed of their plans and knowing it was my idea, but there was zero acknowledgement if it...  I knew that when I talked....  I was not heard.  Another example was just this past week.  DH's parents bought him some smoked bratwurst as a thank you for fixing their car's AC unit.  While the gesture was nice, they could have offered him something more beneficial for his health since all of that processed stuff does not help his cholesterol issue, but they suggested that he avoids eating the bratwurst before his next scheduled blood tests were to be done.  Then all bets are off and eat as many as he wants.  Nice thinking about that, huh?  Apparently, my talks with DH over eating better fell on deaf ears.  Well, he decided to make himself a bratwurst for lunch and grabbed a package out of the freezer.  As he was slamming the bratwursts on the counter to break one free to cook in the microwave, I suggested that he puts the whole package in the microwave for about 30 seconds to loosen up the ice to break one out without breaking the kitchen counter.  He manages to do just that and he takes credit by saying it was his idea after it obviously worked.

When it came to his choice of food to eat for lunch....  I am his wife and not his mother.  He is entitled to make his own decisions.  He is a fully grown man, for Pete's sake, but why does he do the most frustrating things to me?  It may be fun for him to get me upset, but it is no walk in the park for me.  He is relentless in those little jabs to either make me mad or sad.  I really wish he would let me up for air once in a while, ya know.  When I ask for a little consideration....  he chooses to do the complete opposite.  He listens to his friends instead of listening to me.  He ignores my suggestions, but offers credit to others that thought the same idea.  He sometimes listens, but makes it sound like it was his idea and not mine.  Is this something that all husbands do to their wives to drive them batty, or am I just cursed to be always given the short end of the stick?  It is not like I need to always be praised all the time, but wouldn't you think that once in a while credit should be given where credit is due?  

Three titles... one blog....

The deep thinker strikes again.....  No regrets......   Nobody gets out alive...... 

Hmmm....  All good titles, but all tie together with today's flossing.....  Okay, just gonna sum this up to Three titles... one blog....  Seems to fit.  Lets begin.... shall we?  Okay.

When it comes down to this journey called life and the adventures we endure, we have choices to make.  Some result in excellent results while others result in thinking we could have hoped for better.  The difficult times challenge us to put in effort when there is a shortage in supply of confidence.  Here are three little stories that tie together so well that it is just better to share their common thread and move forward.  Believe me.... there is a lesson learned in all of this.....

I have people call me and ask for advice or insight.  I appreciate it, but what I offer in advise is only a tool for them to become a deeper thinker to find their own solutions.  Sadly, people can be short-sighted without any effort.  Really, it is known that people have their own preconceived ideas and ideals to what they want to hear as opposed to what they need to know.  One call recently was regarding the fear instilled in test results and the uncertainty of what the future holds.  People need to remember that fate does not decide your course of action.  Knowledge is key and effort is necessary.  Ignorance is never bliss when you are given the opportunity to fight for all it is worth until the end from the knowledge presenting itself.  When you keep trying, but still fail in the end.... you can at least hold your head up high and say without conviction that you exhausted every attempt to fix the problem and that you can walk away with no regrets from our efforts.

Family is not just a group of people that share a last name or a DNA strain.  Family needs to have a foundation of mutual trust, respect and understanding.  Communication is essential, but sadly the pull for independence makes it hard to believe in the help offered.  Children will continue to repeat the past as long as there are parents that refuse to take the effort to change the pattern.  It is not about control, but sharing their experiences to better educate their children to seek a different course of action or alter the perception.  Regardless of the hormonal, emotional, or peer-pressure that is bestowed upon our youth, we as parents, need to freely give honesty and respect to receive it in return.  Knowing this is only part of the battle, but persistence is essential.  Understanding that feelings are normal, there needs to be a connection to get through.  As long as you are determined to exhaust all avenues to get though to our children, we do need to step back and let them learn so when it becomes their time, they will appreciate and respect our efforts.  In the end, all we can say is that we did the best we can do and there are no regrets in the results.

Life is never meant to be an easy thing.  There are challenges at every step along the way.  There will be times that we will fall victim to failure, but it takes the will to live to keep trying.  Not everything is meant to be the way you want it or need it.  These are the lessons that life offers.  We experience it, we learn from it, and we pass the knowledge to others.  Deep thought offers the opportunity for knowledge.  Effort from consistent failed attempts are the stepping stone for having no regrets in the end because really.....  nobody is meant to get out alive in the end.  People are complex.  There is more to a person than what you can touch or hear.  There are things that live beyond the tangible and take place in others.... they are memories.  As long as the memory stays alive, there is no true end.  I learned this at a time when I felt I was at the end of my string.  I fear dying and that is a natural thing.  What confuses me is taking something too soon.  In our youth, we all have probably had a moment that we fell weak to ending life because the feeling of defeat was too painful to bear.  I am a statistic in the numbers of people that thought of suicide.  Am I proud of that?  No.  Am I ashamed that I have thought about it and even tried?  Yes and no.  What I felt was real to me and the desire was strong, but it taught me a valuable lesson about life.  I believed that I was forgettable and insignificant, but was told otherwise.  Gotta love that mental instability when deep thought takes a vacation, right?  Fortunately, not everyone suffers from deep thought loss at the same time and there will always be a person that pulls us up from the brink of ending our story too soon.  Sadly, there are some that manage to hide from those Earthbound angels and succeed in ending it all.  I have no doubt that there are regrets when that happens.  People wonder what their purpose in life is when it feels like all else has failed....  here is what the job we are all required to do....  We are to help one another to want to live.  Those challenges are opportunities of strength and at times need to be faced alone, but are not required to be done alone.  It is a choice we make.  While we all fear the end, we also know that nobody ever gets out alive, but it is far better to go knowing that there are no regrets along the way.

For someone that faces the unknown with blinders and earmuffs, there is only one person to blame.... you.  Think about it and do everything that you can to fight for your story to be your own.  Never let trivial things dictate where you want to be, but think long and hard about the others in your life and their memories of you because what you do does affect others.  They are the ones that tell your story after you are gone.....

What's good for one is....

Late last night/early this morning, I had a very long talk with DD.

Summer break is a child's excuse to stay up late and sleep in every day.  I should know..... that is what I did when I was her age.  Sadly, I was not as strong of a night-owl as DD is, but late nights are usually my quiet time to wind down from a rather hectic day.  As I sat down with a lone light on to read a book after everyone else went to bed, I hear mumbling and sobs coming from DD's room.  I put my book down and went to see what was going on.

DD is going through what every teenager goes through....  hormonal imbalance and the scary shift in thought about relationships.  It is well documented and well known that girls mature at a faster rate than boys.  The emotional connections that create first crushes and social acceptance get hampered with breakouts of acne and fear of being a social outcast.  Darn cliques and popularity contests!!  Things like this make a child very self-conscious and unsure of their surroundings.  That need to "fit-in" is a nasty drug to the psyche.  I understand it all too well how depressing it was to not feel like I was a part of something.  I had a large group of friends I hung out with, but in the middle of it all.... I felt very alone and misunderstood.  I could not turn to my parents for help because I felt that they would not understand my feelings.  "Heck, my older siblings appeared to be well-adjusted, so why did I feel like a freak?", is what I thought.  I never really shared the depression I felt being the odd kid out.  There were prettier girls getting the attention of the boys I liked when I was in the beginning throes of wanting a boyfriend...  I lacked the confidence to go for what I wanted and was feeling left out in the cold or behind the times.  I seriously thought that there was something wrong with me and had nobody to share my concerns with.  I became a painfully shy person that overcompensated my shyness with being a comic klutz that sharpened her tongue with sarcasm.  I put the joke on me and hoped that people would like me because I made them laugh.  Well, that and always offering the shirt off my back when someone needed help.  That was when I turned to writing poetry and became the deep thinker that I am today.  I placed too much focus on what was considered attractive in the magazines and never felt I could measure up... no matter how hard I tried.  I believed in the lies given to me and now I carry the scars in my heart from all the times people played upon my feelings and hurt me.  I should be thankful for the experience because what hurt me made me stronger the next time... or so I believe.  What happens to hurt the most is that knowing this phase DD is going through will take its course no matter how I try to fix it all and protect her.

I sat up, hugging and rocking my beautiful daughter to soothe the pain that she is feeling.  I wish I could take the pain away of her sadness and leave only happiness for her.  I am willing to take all the negativity out there that would come her way so she can focus on only the good things in life.  I explained a lot of things to her about why and even how people are to one another, to let her know that I understand her and that she can turn to me for guidance.  I also mentioned that I understand that the chances of her actually turning to me with her deepest and darkest secrets and thoughts are very low because no matter how much I understood, she would never believe it, but I would always be there for her.  If given the chance, she would see that I know a lot more than she thinks I know.  It takes for a child to become an adult or a parent in their own right to fully appreciate the knowledge their parents truly have and finally learn that we understand what life offers.  Regardless of things changing, the core things remain the same.  In all honesty, as times change, there is more to be learned if you open your eyes to see it all.  Knowledge is key, understanding is vital, and belief (as blind as it can be at times) centers us.  It is the trust that keeps the bond strong between parent and child.... and honesty is the foundation of trust.  I have no reason to lie to my child and I told her....

If you are mature enough to ask the question, I believe that you are mature enough to hear the truth, but understand this.... it is not to scare you, but to make you aware.

As I learned during our discussion about what is upsetting her....  I learned that what worked for one does not work well for the other.  One of her complaints was how her father and I would tease her.  DH would say something goofy and immature or act like a kid in public that would set her "embarrass 'o meter" on high alert.  I would make a sarcastic observation or give her a nudge or even act in a silly nature to get her to laugh.  What we have done is nothing malicious, but has been taken that way in her eyes.  It was what DH and I experienced growing up with siblings that we shared with her because with her being an only child and all.... she lacked that experience.  After DD was born, I was not ready to have another child right away and by the time I was ready....  DH had no interest in having another.  With no other children to pay attention to, we put all our focus on her and she really just wants to not be bothered.  I apologized for assuming she needed to experience things from my childhood, but when it came to parents being embarrassing.... well, I had to tell her that this is something that parents do.  Once she is to have children of her own... she will understand.  I told her about how my parents embarrassed me.  Obviously, not as much as how DH and I have embarrassed her, but we were overcompensating for the lack of siblings in her life.  I explained that DH's antics have been his way of letting her know that he loves her and that boys are prone to be odd in how they show admiration.  It is the way of life.  Parents are left out of the loop during those transitional times that kids go through when it comes to expression of feelings.  Really, if fathers could teach their sons how to show their admiration of a girl without teasing, acting goofy, or tugging on her pigtails.....  there would be far less misunderstanding.  It goes the same for mothers with their daughters...  If they could show their interest in a boy without demeaning their appearance to get their attention.... there would be far less sexual innuendos to contend with.  Think about it....  respectful intentions instead of poor judgement.  It would be a far safer place for all.  I just have to realize that I am just another parent trying to get through to their child before serious mistakes can be made.  I am not an innovator and I am not one to change the world with my "flossings", but it never hurts to at least try, right?  I only want the best for my child.... she means the world to me and that is all that matters....

Thanks for reading and have a great day!

Random ramblings....

Good morning!  I have tried for the past four days or so to share what is bouncing around in my mind and feel it is time to just dump out what I have so I can get on with my day....


I shared with DH my thoughts about dogs and that if there was anything true about past lives.... I think I was a dog.  Well, maybe I will become one in my next life (if that is remotely possible).  All I can say for that was that DH looked quite baffled with my thoughts on that.  He did notice that I have a knack to attract animals in my path.  Even a neighbor's dog takes the time to stop in front of my house, looking for me to be outside so he can visit.  Every time this adorable, little cockapoo with white and black spots sees me, he tries to drag his owner over to me.  Those little legs turning into a frantic blur with effort to run as fast as he can.  He asks why dogs always approach me before noticing him standing there.  My answer was....  "dogs and I have a bond that cannot be explained other than we happen to share the same existence.  Happy to see those they love regardless how poorly they may be treated, slow to trust when hurt badly, and sensitive to the feelings of those around them.  They are stoic creatures that put in 100% effort in making those around them happy, loved and comfortable.  They do not talk back, they offer companionship, the make it their job to protect you, and even though they cannot carry a human conversation.... they understand you."  I even mentioned that it is nice to be looked upon as something that they were looking forward to seeing.  Basically, sharing with DH what is not being offered from him to me.  Still, since Molly, our German Shepherd, has passed on... we have not added another set of puppy paws to grace our floors.  I miss having a dog in my life.  He says we cannot afford another pet, but I think the monetary cost pales in comparison to the emotional wealth offered.

Speaking of dogs....  I was humbled seeing an old dog that obviously has hip issues keeping a happy tail wag as he was walked yesterday.  The strength that these stoic creatures offer to their human companions shows me that regardless of the pain they feel, they will protect the feelings of those they love.  They mask their pain to offer comfort and security for others.  I wish I could have that strength to act unscathed from the less than fortunate things that have happened to me.  Obviously, I am not blessed with that strength, but I am working on it.  It has been said that if you offer love, you will get it in return.  I just wonder when that will happen.  Maybe it is not meant to happen all the time, but I could at least hope for that someday.  I mean, if you offer love and kindness to everyone.... shouldn't you get the same in return?  Apparently, that saying does not apply to everyone when it comes to giving back.  I guess some are just takers with no intention of giving back.

For those wondering how my reading jag is going.....  well, it has slowed down a little.  I am taking time to do a few things here and there.  My pace of reading a book in a day is now at the pace of a book in two days.  This recent book is a little.... odd....  to say the least.  It is about an amusement park that is a prison for demons and the people running it are gifted people that have the job to keep all the demons trapped in random objects of the park to save the human race.  There is supposedly a romance story brewing under the surface, but there are just too many characters to figure how that is supposed to happen.  Yep, I finally found a romance novelist that lowered the romantic tendencies to a level that feels less like a romance novel, but is more like a sci-fi work of fiction.  WHEW!  What a relief!  I was afraid that I would end up turning to Harlequin Romance novels and those are just the lowest form of romantic fluff published.  Maybe things are finally looking up for me and I can stop reading false hope to escape from the reality that at times depresses me.  Darn shame it took roughly 50 books this summer to find something that does not scream lust, love and that they lived happily ever after crap.  It will be nice to be able to breathe without feeling the need for romance in my life to smother me anymore.

I have had a nagging question going on in my mind, though....  While women are known to go through menopause, do men really have a midlife crisis?  When does that really happen for men?  I know that when it comes to women, the average age bracket is the age of 50.  I am close, but not there yet.  I even went and got tested to see if I was going through the starting stages of menopause because I have not been feeling right.  For those curious...  I am not in the throes of menopause... yet.  According to my doctor...  I have years to go before that happens.  I guess I have this curiosity over the man's midlife crisis is because you know...  DH is closer to 50 than I am.  Do men go through their change around that time?  That just might explain his mood swings and his short term memory of those swings.  Almost two weeks ago, he went from jovial husband to raving, venom-spitting lunatic in mere seconds and then returned to acting like his verbal bashing never happened.  I mean, he will never apologize for hurting my feelings, but he usually holds a grudge for a week or so and then cools off.  This last time, it went from ugly to like it never happened and all is well in mere hours.  Well, there have not been any of the well-talked about signs of them changing their look, buying a sports car, or scoping out a younger piece of "eye candy" to have on their arm.  DH has not gone to the gym or hung out at the bars as far as I know, and he has not been purchasing some high-powered sporty convertible to ride in.  He still has his rusty, old reliable truck in the driveway, his 1985 Harley-Davidson Low Rider parked at his work, and he still is driving his classic, mint-condition 1979 VW Beetle (that is a convertible, but not exactly something a midlife crisis person would see as sporty or high-powered to pick up a younger girl).  All I have been noticing is his attitude flexing a venomous rage rather fast and disappearing just as quickly.  In all honesty, I think I could handle the cookie-cutter version of a midlife crisis better than the walking on eggshells like I have been doing lately if this is his midlife crisis symptoms.  Sigh, I sure hope whatever this is comes to an end.  I am not sure I can take much more tension.

Speaking of change....  A co-worker shared with me that she has seen a change in me.  While I will admit that I have been an ever-changing being with my quest to improve my home life, I did not put much thought into it until she pointed out some things that I did not pay all that much attention to....  Being a tomboy at heart, I have found comfort in wearing dresses lately.  Now, I am not wearing them all the time, but whenever I go to work....  I am putting a dress on without complaining.  I have recently put eyelash extensions on and actually like them because they save me just mere minutes in my makeup regime'.  Really, I have no interest in putting makeup on every day, but I seem to be gravitating towards having something on at all times.  Usually, it is mascara, but now I am eyeing up lip gloss and eye shadow every morning after my daily shower.  Heck, I have nowhere to go and I am feeling the need to put my makeup on and to do my hair.  Luckily, I still turn to my jeans, t-shirt and gym shoes during the week.  Well, with summer and all....  I opt for denim shorts and flip flops, but you get my drift, right?  I just never put much thought in these little changes as being something bigger in the eyes of another.  My co-worker sees these little changes as my subconscious preparing me to seek out a different mate in my life.  Believe me....  I have not put any of that thought in it, but I could see her point.  I just wanted to focus on me for once and it does kind-of look like I am trying to change my look to snare a different man to take place of DH.  In all reality.... it is not.  I have seen it as a feeble attempt to get DH to look at me again, and I really mean look at me.  For a long time, I have been feeling like I am an invisible obstacle in his line of sight.  Nothing special to look at, just a fixture of the house we live in.  Since he has not taken consideration of my feelings, I took it upon myself to do something to make me feel better in my own skin.  I just never thought that I could ever like dresses.  I hated them growing up, but now they do not bother me all that much.  I even recently started eyeing up a pair of high heeled shoes and I had given them up when I was pregnant with DD.  I just see it as an odd phase and it will pass.... sooner or later.

WHEW!  Feeling better letting that stuff go.  I think with my reading jag slowing down, I can put a little more energy towards getting the laundry done and going through DD's old school supplies and see if any of it can be reused for this upcoming school year.  Hey, anything to save a buck!  I try to avoid DH's rampage over money.  When there is no fighting, I have no reason to cower or cry from hurt feelings....  It actually makes getting the usual stuff done without emotional baggage wearing me down.  Well, off to face the day.  Lets just hope I accomplish a lot and keep the tension at a manageable level.  Have a great day everyone and thanks for letting me share :)

The ugly truth.....

Blogging is my release during this journey that we call life.  During my travels of feelings that I can no longer keep buried in excuses and denial... it is my feelings that I share.  It is what I am capable of thinking and creating conclusions based upon my experiences.  This journey is not all rainbows and unicorns, nor is it constant misery and self-loathing, but it is about what my life has offered.  I understand that I am not alone, but I am far from being cut from the same cloth when it comes to dealing with the slings and arrows of life.  Nothing is ever meant to be roses and chocolate or any of those happy, lovely things that we all strive to have.  Sadly, I have experienced things that I would never wish upon my most hated enemy (if I ever had one).  It has taken me years to come to this conclusion of which I feel is the ugly truth.....

As you all have managed to read about my thoughts and feelings..... it does not take a genius to figure out that I have been lacking some very basic needs.  It is not vital to live without these things...  I have survived this far and I have managed to have plenty of opinions about it.  I have tried to change things and learned that regardless of the efforts one person puts into change.....  it is up to the ones around them to be willing to participate.  But how does someone get another to agree to at least try if they have no desire to?

~~~~~You can't.~~~~~

Happiness does not fall into your lap, nor does it come in a little box with a shiny little bow.  It takes a selfish act to get what you want.  Sadly, I lack the selfish factor in my genetic makeup.  I have been one to believe in Karma, fate and destiny.  All forces that I have no control over and take time to have happen.  While I have the ability to make excuses for others, I lack the ability to make excuses for myself.  Well, there are some areas where I can make some real whoppers of excuses to why I stay when I should go.  Usually, they go right to the ultimate excuse that makes me sound like a martyr....  What I do really well is explain away others actions because I would never want them to be seen as the bad person.  I know that the conclusions made from your observations do make my blogs appear as it is all someone else's fault and not my own.  I really wish I could be better at placing the blame at myself and leave no room for others to take fault in my feelings.

What I hoped from my blogging journey was not just release of feelings I have, but offering the ability for others to look within themselves to not just relate, but to learn about how actions affect the ones you love or love you.  DH has brought on some very compelling arguments that shed a very ugly light on me.  I am not the best that I can be, nor am I at the worst that I could possibly be.  I have faults, and plenty of them.  Sadly, DH and his ability to shed light upon my faults is far greater than my ability to conform to what is considered better in his eyes.  He has been a very tolerable man.  His silence and diversion to the issues is obviously his way of trying to accept me for who I am, but even more sadly, I managed to lose sight of who I truly happen to be.  While I have tried to change to make him happier, I am making myself more miserable.  While I should be screaming at fate, Karma and destiny that I have been dealt probably the worst set of cards imaginable in my eyes....  it is my faith, belief, and determination that keeps me trying.  I have done more, done less, and even detached myself to try to find the right level of middle ground.  All the while, DH has remained constant.  Well, maybe he changed his views a little, his focus is elsewhere, and what he is asking for is just as simple to do as what I have been asking from him for years.  I think the only difference is the approach to getting what you want.  I am more subdued and he is more demanding through pent up anger and frustration.  I am the timid mouse and he has bursts like a bull seeing the red cape being waved in front of him.  His demands are more concrete and mine are more emotional.  Does it mean that we can make this union work?  I do not know.  I have lost confidence that it can be fixed and I have lost the energy to try any harder.  There is only so many times a person can be denied before they just give up.  Kind-of like asking people that are clearly out of your league to go out on a date and being shot down every time.....  Eventually, you just stop trying and embrace that things could not possibly become better or wish fulfilling.  Or even the endless attempts to win the lottery.  You spend your hard earned cash on a pipe dream and eventually you will not have enough money to chase that pipe dream anymore and stop buying lottery tickets.  It is that level of defeat that people are eventually going to accept and try to move forward, leaving the dream behind.

Yes, I am nice to a fault, I am a tolerable person, I adapt to my surroundings, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am a deep thinker, a hard worker, and a fierce friend.  I am creative, I am a protective person of others, I am charming at times, and I am a person that remains true to their friends.  I am a lousy wife, an overprotective mother, and I am tired... oh, so tired.  I have dreams, I have goals, and I just cannot catch a break.  I take criticism seriously, I get frustrated like everyone else, but I just cannot bottle up my feelings as much as I used to.  I am accommodating and I take advice to heart regardless of the fact that I have tried just about everything that has been offered as a course of action.  I have an opinionated family, I have opinionated friends, and I can be opinionated, too.  I make more mistakes than most and I take the blame more than I should.  I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, or smart enough, but I am okay with that.  I deal the best that I can, I have the desire to throw in the towel, but I also have the resolve to try to stick it out until the very end.  I look at everything (big and small) as equals and I always hope for the best for others.  I am alone in a crowd, but I am okay with that (for the most part).  

Would I love to be in that mythical land of rainbows and unicorns?  Sure.  Will I ever get there?  Probably not.  Will I ever get that romantic life that I read in books where I am blown away with the right mixture of love, lust, desire, and happiness?  Not likely. I was never one to be swooned, but would have loved to have that happen to me.  All I have to hold on to is the ugly truth.  Am I strong enough to accept it?  Yep, I have made it this far, so I guess I am.  There will be good days as well as bad days... I will have happy moments as well as sad, angry and empty moments....  this is what life offers.  To those that are delusional enough.... you can make every moment a happy one, but eventually you will have to face the ugly truth.