Good morning! I have tried for the past four days or so to share what is bouncing around in my mind and feel it is time to just dump out what I have so I can get on with my day....
I shared with DH my thoughts about dogs and that if there was anything true about past lives.... I think I was a dog. Well, maybe I will become one in my next life (if that is remotely possible). All I can say for that was that DH looked quite baffled with my thoughts on that. He did notice that I have a knack to attract animals in my path. Even a neighbor's dog takes the time to stop in front of my house, looking for me to be outside so he can visit. Every time this adorable, little cockapoo with white and black spots sees me, he tries to drag his owner over to me. Those little legs turning into a frantic blur with effort to run as fast as he can. He asks why dogs always approach me before noticing him standing there. My answer was.... "dogs and I have a bond that cannot be explained other than we happen to share the same existence. Happy to see those they love regardless how poorly they may be treated, slow to trust when hurt badly, and sensitive to the feelings of those around them. They are stoic creatures that put in 100% effort in making those around them happy, loved and comfortable. They do not talk back, they offer companionship, the make it their job to protect you, and even though they cannot carry a human conversation.... they understand you." I even mentioned that it is nice to be looked upon as something that they were looking forward to seeing. Basically, sharing with DH what is not being offered from him to me. Still, since Molly, our German Shepherd, has passed on... we have not added another set of puppy paws to grace our floors. I miss having a dog in my life. He says we cannot afford another pet, but I think the monetary cost pales in comparison to the emotional wealth offered.
Speaking of dogs.... I was humbled seeing an old dog that obviously has hip issues keeping a happy tail wag as he was walked yesterday. The strength that these stoic creatures offer to their human companions shows me that regardless of the pain they feel, they will protect the feelings of those they love. They mask their pain to offer comfort and security for others. I wish I could have that strength to act unscathed from the less than fortunate things that have happened to me. Obviously, I am not blessed with that strength, but I am working on it. It has been said that if you offer love, you will get it in return. I just wonder when that will happen. Maybe it is not meant to happen all the time, but I could at least hope for that someday. I mean, if you offer love and kindness to everyone.... shouldn't you get the same in return? Apparently, that saying does not apply to everyone when it comes to giving back. I guess some are just takers with no intention of giving back.
For those wondering how my reading jag is going..... well, it has slowed down a little. I am taking time to do a few things here and there. My pace of reading a book in a day is now at the pace of a book in two days. This recent book is a little.... odd.... to say the least. It is about an amusement park that is a prison for demons and the people running it are gifted people that have the job to keep all the demons trapped in random objects of the park to save the human race. There is supposedly a romance story brewing under the surface, but there are just too many characters to figure how that is supposed to happen. Yep, I finally found a romance novelist that lowered the romantic tendencies to a level that feels less like a romance novel, but is more like a sci-fi work of fiction. WHEW! What a relief! I was afraid that I would end up turning to Harlequin Romance novels and those are just the lowest form of romantic fluff published. Maybe things are finally looking up for me and I can stop reading false hope to escape from the reality that at times depresses me. Darn shame it took roughly 50 books this summer to find something that does not scream lust, love and that they lived happily ever after crap. It will be nice to be able to breathe without feeling the need for romance in my life to smother me anymore.
I have had a nagging question going on in my mind, though.... While women are known to go through menopause, do men really have a midlife crisis? When does that really happen for men? I know that when it comes to women, the average age bracket is the age of 50. I am close, but not there yet. I even went and got tested to see if I was going through the starting stages of menopause because I have not been feeling right. For those curious... I am not in the throes of menopause... yet. According to my doctor... I have years to go before that happens. I guess I have this curiosity over the man's midlife crisis is because you know... DH is closer to 50 than I am. Do men go through their change around that time? That just might explain his mood swings and his short term memory of those swings. Almost two weeks ago, he went from jovial husband to raving, venom-spitting lunatic in mere seconds and then returned to acting like his verbal bashing never happened. I mean, he will never apologize for hurting my feelings, but he usually holds a grudge for a week or so and then cools off. This last time, it went from ugly to like it never happened and all is well in mere hours. Well, there have not been any of the well-talked about signs of them changing their look, buying a sports car, or scoping out a younger piece of "eye candy" to have on their arm. DH has not gone to the gym or hung out at the bars as far as I know, and he has not been purchasing some high-powered sporty convertible to ride in. He still has his rusty, old reliable truck in the driveway, his 1985 Harley-Davidson Low Rider parked at his work, and he still is driving his classic, mint-condition 1979 VW Beetle (that is a convertible, but not exactly something a midlife crisis person would see as sporty or high-powered to pick up a younger girl). All I have been noticing is his attitude flexing a venomous rage rather fast and disappearing just as quickly. In all honesty, I think I could handle the cookie-cutter version of a midlife crisis better than the walking on eggshells like I have been doing lately if this is his midlife crisis symptoms. Sigh, I sure hope whatever this is comes to an end. I am not sure I can take much more tension.
Speaking of change.... A co-worker shared with me that she has seen a change in me. While I will admit that I have been an ever-changing being with my quest to improve my home life, I did not put much thought into it until she pointed out some things that I did not pay all that much attention to.... Being a tomboy at heart, I have found comfort in wearing dresses lately. Now, I am not wearing them all the time, but whenever I go to work.... I am putting a dress on without complaining. I have recently put eyelash extensions on and actually like them because they save me just mere minutes in my makeup regime'. Really, I have no interest in putting makeup on every day, but I seem to be gravitating towards having something on at all times. Usually, it is mascara, but now I am eyeing up lip gloss and eye shadow every morning after my daily shower. Heck, I have nowhere to go and I am feeling the need to put my makeup on and to do my hair. Luckily, I still turn to my jeans, t-shirt and gym shoes during the week. Well, with summer and all.... I opt for denim shorts and flip flops, but you get my drift, right? I just never put much thought in these little changes as being something bigger in the eyes of another. My co-worker sees these little changes as my subconscious preparing me to seek out a different mate in my life. Believe me.... I have not put any of that thought in it, but I could see her point. I just wanted to focus on me for once and it does kind-of look like I am trying to change my look to snare a different man to take place of DH. In all reality.... it is not. I have seen it as a feeble attempt to get DH to look at me again, and I really mean look at me. For a long time, I have been feeling like I am an invisible obstacle in his line of sight. Nothing special to look at, just a fixture of the house we live in. Since he has not taken consideration of my feelings, I took it upon myself to do something to make me feel better in my own skin. I just never thought that I could ever like dresses. I hated them growing up, but now they do not bother me all that much. I even recently started eyeing up a pair of high heeled shoes and I had given them up when I was pregnant with DD. I just see it as an odd phase and it will pass.... sooner or later.
WHEW! Feeling better letting that stuff go. I think with my reading jag slowing down, I can put a little more energy towards getting the laundry done and going through DD's old school supplies and see if any of it can be reused for this upcoming school year. Hey, anything to save a buck! I try to avoid DH's rampage over money. When there is no fighting, I have no reason to cower or cry from hurt feelings.... It actually makes getting the usual stuff done without emotional baggage wearing me down. Well, off to face the day. Lets just hope I accomplish a lot and keep the tension at a manageable level. Have a great day everyone and thanks for letting me share :)
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