Have you ever argued or debated in such a manner that there will never be an agreed upon conclusion? It is based upon the stubbornness of those involved and their desire to have the other person crumble to accept defeat. There really is only so much stubborn dispute a person can take before they decide to give up and give in to have the apparently endless banter/bickering end. While it is honorable to stand firm upon your beliefs, it would be far greater appreciated when both parties look at the information presented in a neutral manner. Most arguments are opportunities to learn about something in a different light. This goes back to perceptions and how people create their conclusions based upon individually gathered experiences.
For the past 14 years ago, I have been in a never ending debate over various things. The past 12 years, the debates have compounded due to the fact that there is another person joining in. While some of the past 12 years was based more upon the stubborn drive for independence, you can see where my dilemma has taken residence. Now, I am not saying that this issue is everyone else's fault, but I cannot take the full ownership of it either. I just happen to be the one that gives up or gives in all the time.
The conclusions that I have come to have been complied from years of constant exposure. Not all have been true debates worth fighting over, but they managed to either become yet another thorn in my side. While compromise and acceptance has become something that only I am doing to rectify the situation, the debates have become a little less frequent and consistent. As I am able to take a moment to gather my bearings and think about it..... I am not sure about things as I have been, but I will admit this..... I am mentally exhausted.
Frustration does come to mind because of my endless efforts to conform in order to please those around me without consideration of my feelings. Lately I have been feeling more like a trained dog than a part of this family. With dogs being loyal to a fault and always scurrying to please their master as the core value to this feeling that I have been having.... I have also put on one hell of an act to make it appear that I am ecstatic to see these people no matter how little they respect my opinions, thoughts, feelings and beliefs. For almost 14 years, I have fought with vigor to be heard, understood, and appreciated with one person. As I have constantly explained away the reasons how there is resentment in the responsibilities I was asked to take on, I think it is high time look at the cold, hard truth and stop sugar coating everything to make it not look so bad. The past 12 years have been the tag team battle that should not be. The other person being tagged in while the other is focused elsewhere is just struggling to be more independent than they should be.
If you have not figured it out by now.... it is DH and DD. DH and I have argued over things that was presented after we got married. I truly believe that he had no clue what marriage is except that we are to stay together forever. Either that was just his way of avoiding losing me or he thought that this is what I wanted when we started dating. Heck, he proposed 4 months into the relationship, but it was I that dragged on the engagement for a year and 8 months before we got married. Of course, the reason I dragged it out was that I was not sure that he was the one. During that time, he proved himself to me that he was worthy to be and we got married. The moment that the vows were exchanged..... he reverted back to his bachelor-like ways with hanging with the boys more and hanging with me less. He was assured that his house is well tended for. When DD was born, he was assured that she was cared for. In fact, before DD was born, we had a long talk about if I was going to be going back to work or staying home to raise our child. He presented a compelling argument (and won) that tradition should be upheld and that there should be a full time parental presence for her; that family comes first. Since he was making more than I was, he made it clear that I should be the one taking that responsibility. His only allowed loophole to that plan was that I was allowed to work one day a week for my own personal sanity (of which I also thought that he needed to be a parent in this scenario since his hanging with the boys has never stopped. Even when I told him I was pregnant.), and that day was (and still is) on Saturdays. I believed that if DH experienced what it is like to raise a child... for even one day a week... he would show a little more appreciation for what I do just about every day since I sacrificed my career for the family we have and would want to become a more solid part of it. I was so wrong! He became the poster child for couch potato and far too eager to hand over the reins of childcare once I stepped foot in the house. He appreciates his beer, buddies and fun over the responsibilities of a wife and child. He financially supports us, but the connection stops there.
As for DD... Well, her reluctance to see things differently was been a constant battle of wills. She was, and still is, one stubborn child. It started at 6 months of age and has not stopped. Her determination to do things on her own was stronger than I could have ever imagined. The food jags, the determination to feed herself, dressing herself, learning to walk and even potty training were demanded upon by her to let her do it herself. Believe me, I tried and she fought with me every step of the way. I had spent countless hours scrubbing walls of food she did not want to eat, the temper tantrums when I tried to help her learn how to walk, the downright refusal to let me help her become potty trained, and the destruction of countless outfits in refusal to wearing them. Even now she fights with me over things. The refusal to clean her room as asked, I know is a normal thing, but her resolve to not throw away a paper plate or throw out a wrapper or even food she refuses to finish is just ridiculous. You would think that she would eventually do something on her own, but she seems content to live in filth. I just happen to have a similar resolve to not live in filth, but sadly, even my attempts of keeping this house clean is wearing me down. Between DH and DD, I am fighting a losing battle.... My attempts at keeping this house clean is just as productive as eating an Oreo cookie while brushing my teeth. It gets dirty while I try to clean. Even with some recent discussions with DD, I have only managed to get through to her ever so slightly, but when she decides to debate an issue.... she uses stupidity and really random crap to frustrate me to just walk away before I lose my cool. She is a smart kid when she decides to be, but loves to annoy the crap out of me with completely irrelevant stuff and unbelievable imagination for the dramatic. Who could have a productive argument over intentional stupidity? She thinks she can and tries all the time. She even contradicts herself with her demands and thinks it is acceptable only when she sees it as a benefit to only her. She is so like her father! He does the same thing, for crying out loud!!
As I figured that I should let things go and not care, it is not in my genetic makeup to do just that, so I keep on trying. I tell them how I feel and they are at least kind enough to change for a little while for my sanity, but they always return to their old ways. Even I am to blame for this situation.... Yesterday, DH complained that the water pitcher in the fridge was empty and he was tired of refilling it all the time. While that is a serious over-dramatization since I know that I do it all the time.... he left the empty pitcher in the fridge and stormed back to work. DD did not offer to take care of it, she told me about it since I was at the library when DH came home for lunch and I ended up filling the container again. Something as simple as a 30 second action is avoided like the plague and only I end up doing it. Same thing regarding dirty clothes. The pair of them have turned the floor into their own personal hamper, but in their eyes... they already know that I will pick it up, wash it, dry it, fold it and put it away where it belongs. Even during my protest days when I just flat out refused to clean up after them.... they held their resolve until I just caved in and did it for them. so tell me this.... Why do I always have to be the one to give in? How did I let them wear me down to just give up? Why does this need to happen to me? I really do not want to argue over this trivial crap that amassed into something huge, but why are they always building up these arguments? Wouldn't you think they are tired of it, too? Apparently not since they keep doing this to me over and over and over again..... I am starting to believe that this is what life is going to be... no matter who I would have been with. If I did not marry DH, would there have been a guarantee that this would have never happened? If I was to leave DH and be with someone else (highly unlikely because I am certainly no catch), would this just keep repeating itself? I am starting to have my doubts that this is going to get better either way I see it. I guess it is time to just embrace yet another disappointment and move forward the best I can......
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