Late last night/early this morning, I had a very long talk with DD.
Summer break is a child's excuse to stay up late and sleep in every day. I should know..... that is what I did when I was her age. Sadly, I was not as strong of a night-owl as DD is, but late nights are usually my quiet time to wind down from a rather hectic day. As I sat down with a lone light on to read a book after everyone else went to bed, I hear mumbling and sobs coming from DD's room. I put my book down and went to see what was going on.
DD is going through what every teenager goes through.... hormonal imbalance and the scary shift in thought about relationships. It is well documented and well known that girls mature at a faster rate than boys. The emotional connections that create first crushes and social acceptance get hampered with breakouts of acne and fear of being a social outcast. Darn cliques and popularity contests!! Things like this make a child very self-conscious and unsure of their surroundings. That need to "fit-in" is a nasty drug to the psyche. I understand it all too well how depressing it was to not feel like I was a part of something. I had a large group of friends I hung out with, but in the middle of it all.... I felt very alone and misunderstood. I could not turn to my parents for help because I felt that they would not understand my feelings. "Heck, my older siblings appeared to be well-adjusted, so why did I feel like a freak?", is what I thought. I never really shared the depression I felt being the odd kid out. There were prettier girls getting the attention of the boys I liked when I was in the beginning throes of wanting a boyfriend... I lacked the confidence to go for what I wanted and was feeling left out in the cold or behind the times. I seriously thought that there was something wrong with me and had nobody to share my concerns with. I became a painfully shy person that overcompensated my shyness with being a comic klutz that sharpened her tongue with sarcasm. I put the joke on me and hoped that people would like me because I made them laugh. Well, that and always offering the shirt off my back when someone needed help. That was when I turned to writing poetry and became the deep thinker that I am today. I placed too much focus on what was considered attractive in the magazines and never felt I could measure up... no matter how hard I tried. I believed in the lies given to me and now I carry the scars in my heart from all the times people played upon my feelings and hurt me. I should be thankful for the experience because what hurt me made me stronger the next time... or so I believe. What happens to hurt the most is that knowing this phase DD is going through will take its course no matter how I try to fix it all and protect her.
I sat up, hugging and rocking my beautiful daughter to soothe the pain that she is feeling. I wish I could take the pain away of her sadness and leave only happiness for her. I am willing to take all the negativity out there that would come her way so she can focus on only the good things in life. I explained a lot of things to her about why and even how people are to one another, to let her know that I understand her and that she can turn to me for guidance. I also mentioned that I understand that the chances of her actually turning to me with her deepest and darkest secrets and thoughts are very low because no matter how much I understood, she would never believe it, but I would always be there for her. If given the chance, she would see that I know a lot more than she thinks I know. It takes for a child to become an adult or a parent in their own right to fully appreciate the knowledge their parents truly have and finally learn that we understand what life offers. Regardless of things changing, the core things remain the same. In all honesty, as times change, there is more to be learned if you open your eyes to see it all. Knowledge is key, understanding is vital, and belief (as blind as it can be at times) centers us. It is the trust that keeps the bond strong between parent and child.... and honesty is the foundation of trust. I have no reason to lie to my child and I told her....
If you are mature enough to ask the question, I believe that you are mature enough to hear the truth, but understand this.... it is not to scare you, but to make you aware.
As I learned during our discussion about what is upsetting her.... I learned that what worked for one does not work well for the other. One of her complaints was how her father and I would tease her. DH would say something goofy and immature or act like a kid in public that would set her "embarrass 'o meter" on high alert. I would make a sarcastic observation or give her a nudge or even act in a silly nature to get her to laugh. What we have done is nothing malicious, but has been taken that way in her eyes. It was what DH and I experienced growing up with siblings that we shared with her because with her being an only child and all.... she lacked that experience. After DD was born, I was not ready to have another child right away and by the time I was ready.... DH had no interest in having another. With no other children to pay attention to, we put all our focus on her and she really just wants to not be bothered. I apologized for assuming she needed to experience things from my childhood, but when it came to parents being embarrassing.... well, I had to tell her that this is something that parents do. Once she is to have children of her own... she will understand. I told her about how my parents embarrassed me. Obviously, not as much as how DH and I have embarrassed her, but we were overcompensating for the lack of siblings in her life. I explained that DH's antics have been his way of letting her know that he loves her and that boys are prone to be odd in how they show admiration. It is the way of life. Parents are left out of the loop during those transitional times that kids go through when it comes to expression of feelings. Really, if fathers could teach their sons how to show their admiration of a girl without teasing, acting goofy, or tugging on her pigtails..... there would be far less misunderstanding. It goes the same for mothers with their daughters... If they could show their interest in a boy without demeaning their appearance to get their attention.... there would be far less sexual innuendos to contend with. Think about it.... respectful intentions instead of poor judgement. It would be a far safer place for all. I just have to realize that I am just another parent trying to get through to their child before serious mistakes can be made. I am not an innovator and I am not one to change the world with my "flossings", but it never hurts to at least try, right? I only want the best for my child.... she means the world to me and that is all that matters....
Thanks for reading and have a great day!
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