As you all have managed to read about my thoughts and feelings..... it does not take a genius to figure out that I have been lacking some very basic needs. It is not vital to live without these things... I have survived this far and I have managed to have plenty of opinions about it. I have tried to change things and learned that regardless of the efforts one person puts into change..... it is up to the ones around them to be willing to participate. But how does someone get another to agree to at least try if they have no desire to?
~~~~~You can't.~~~~~
Happiness does not fall into your lap, nor does it come in a little box with a shiny little bow. It takes a selfish act to get what you want. Sadly, I lack the selfish factor in my genetic makeup. I have been one to believe in Karma, fate and destiny. All forces that I have no control over and take time to have happen. While I have the ability to make excuses for others, I lack the ability to make excuses for myself. Well, there are some areas where I can make some real whoppers of excuses to why I stay when I should go. Usually, they go right to the ultimate excuse that makes me sound like a martyr.... What I do really well is explain away others actions because I would never want them to be seen as the bad person. I know that the conclusions made from your observations do make my blogs appear as it is all someone else's fault and not my own. I really wish I could be better at placing the blame at myself and leave no room for others to take fault in my feelings.
What I hoped from my blogging journey was not just release of feelings I have, but offering the ability for others to look within themselves to not just relate, but to learn about how actions affect the ones you love or love you. DH has brought on some very compelling arguments that shed a very ugly light on me. I am not the best that I can be, nor am I at the worst that I could possibly be. I have faults, and plenty of them. Sadly, DH and his ability to shed light upon my faults is far greater than my ability to conform to what is considered better in his eyes. He has been a very tolerable man. His silence and diversion to the issues is obviously his way of trying to accept me for who I am, but even more sadly, I managed to lose sight of who I truly happen to be. While I have tried to change to make him happier, I am making myself more miserable. While I should be screaming at fate, Karma and destiny that I have been dealt probably the worst set of cards imaginable in my eyes.... it is my faith, belief, and determination that keeps me trying. I have done more, done less, and even detached myself to try to find the right level of middle ground. All the while, DH has remained constant. Well, maybe he changed his views a little, his focus is elsewhere, and what he is asking for is just as simple to do as what I have been asking from him for years. I think the only difference is the approach to getting what you want. I am more subdued and he is more demanding through pent up anger and frustration. I am the timid mouse and he has bursts like a bull seeing the red cape being waved in front of him. His demands are more concrete and mine are more emotional. Does it mean that we can make this union work? I do not know. I have lost confidence that it can be fixed and I have lost the energy to try any harder. There is only so many times a person can be denied before they just give up. Kind-of like asking people that are clearly out of your league to go out on a date and being shot down every time..... Eventually, you just stop trying and embrace that things could not possibly become better or wish fulfilling. Or even the endless attempts to win the lottery. You spend your hard earned cash on a pipe dream and eventually you will not have enough money to chase that pipe dream anymore and stop buying lottery tickets. It is that level of defeat that people are eventually going to accept and try to move forward, leaving the dream behind.
Yes, I am nice to a fault, I am a tolerable person, I adapt to my surroundings, I wear my heart on my sleeve, I am a deep thinker, a hard worker, and a fierce friend. I am creative, I am a protective person of others, I am charming at times, and I am a person that remains true to their friends. I am a lousy wife, an overprotective mother, and I am tired... oh, so tired. I have dreams, I have goals, and I just cannot catch a break. I take criticism seriously, I get frustrated like everyone else, but I just cannot bottle up my feelings as much as I used to. I am accommodating and I take advice to heart regardless of the fact that I have tried just about everything that has been offered as a course of action. I have an opinionated family, I have opinionated friends, and I can be opinionated, too. I make more mistakes than most and I take the blame more than I should. I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, or smart enough, but I am okay with that. I deal the best that I can, I have the desire to throw in the towel, but I also have the resolve to try to stick it out until the very end. I look at everything (big and small) as equals and I always hope for the best for others. I am alone in a crowd, but I am okay with that (for the most part).
Would I love to be in that mythical land of rainbows and unicorns? Sure. Will I ever get there? Probably not. Will I ever get that romantic life that I read in books where I am blown away with the right mixture of love, lust, desire, and happiness? Not likely. I was never one to be swooned, but would have loved to have that happen to me. All I have to hold on to is the ugly truth. Am I strong enough to accept it? Yep, I have made it this far, so I guess I am. There will be good days as well as bad days... I will have happy moments as well as sad, angry and empty moments.... this is what life offers. To those that are delusional enough.... you can make every moment a happy one, but eventually you will have to face the ugly truth.
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