My own personal heck....

Come one!  Come all!  Watch as a basically calm person lose their collective sh... mind.  Sounds like fun, right?  Not to me, but here I am.... trying to regain some composure to face the world and not scare people away in the process.  Here are the current events of my life and my plea that I should get an award for my efforts.  Of course, I have no doubt that there is someone that is having a far worse go of things than my little pile of sh... stuff on my plate.  But in the need of some mental flossing, I am going to just "blog it out" and go on with my day if that is alright with ya'all, okee dokee?  So here goes....

With my home crumbling around my ankles and DH's lackadaisical ways of not bothering to fix the problem stems from his theory that if it does not stare at him in the face on a daily basis.... it really is nothing that needs to be done right away.  Case in point.... I have water damage on my roof that has been an issue for so long that I now have water damage in my kitchen.  Now, DH did fix the drainage issue that was on the roof, but there is a water damage issue that needs addressing.  Rotting wood on my roof is not exactly stable material above my head and that concerns me.  Well, that and the fact that I have a corner of my kitchen damaged by the water from the roof.  Now lacking 2 cabinets because one has the bottom falling out leaves me little usable space to store kitchen items.  The corner of my kitchen counter is now a drop off zone of wood particles and as an added bonus.... carpenter ants.... big ones.  I asked DH for a time frame when I can truly use my kitchen again, but he is not interested in getting the necessary estimates to even start the repair process.  You see, he does not spend enough time in the places that need repairs to feel the urgency to just get it done.  I mean, really, who spends a lot of time on their roof?  Kitchen?  I get it.  Most of my work was in the kitchen.  Operative word being... WAS.  Grilling season is in full swing and I am utilizing that to the fullest.  Sadly, I might be grilling in the snow come this winter because DH is showing no signs of getting anything fixed.  With every cleaning of wood crumbles off my kitchen counter, I die a little inside.

Not exactly sure if pushing my family away is a good thing or a bad thing, but this little thing called "Menopause", is definitely making me madder than a one-handed wallpaper hanger.  The hot flashes feel like I suffer from spontaneous combustion, but without the actual fire.  The night sweats and disrupted sleep patterns make it hard for me to focus on much for at least 4 hours after declaring myself awake to face the day.  The dry skin and itching from that is feeling like I am trapped in a very small room filled with creepy crawly bugs and biting mosquitoes.  The old saying is true regarding the intensity of the itch is based solely upon the location that cannot be reached.  If I am not sweating, I am itching.  Definitely makes me a bit cranky.  Speaking of cranky.... Lately, I have been so frustrated with everything that I had the urge to hit everyone within reach of me.  DH seems to be in the cross hairs more often than not.  I am mad at him for not being home as well as I am mad at him for actually being at home.  It seems I cannot make up my mind.  There is no middle ground anymore.  Same goes for DD.  Since she has a boyfriend, she is spending less time at home.  All I seem to be thinking is that I am left to take care of the messy house that they leave in their wake.  Nobody offers to cook a meal, let alone eat it as a family.  The microwave is definitely being appreciated more than my efforts.  Then, there are the dishes.... Really, nobody will offer to clean a dish, but they are more than happy to dirty them.  And don't get me started on the laundry!  Oh, and the apparent inability of my family to bend over to pick anything up.... Yep, lets not go there. 

Of course, there is the mood swings that seem to be a barrel of laughs.  Mad one minute and crying the next.  I believe I am seriously losing my effing mind!  Not sure it stems from my determination to try to keep my emotions in check for the greater good, but DH now looks at me with fear in his eyes because my actions are very similar to a mental patient off their meds.  I am guessing he is trying to either find a way to talk this crazy "B" off the ledge or trying to find the nearest escape route.  I don't exactly know how to safely express myself to ease the emotional pressure in my head.  I work with people and I do my best to at least try to make light of my situation, but in all honesty.... I am suffering.  Very tempted to see the doctor and get medicated, but after watching my fair share of drug commercials with their almost endless list of risks and side effects.... I am still weighing the odds in my head.  Take a hormone replacement drug to get relief, or increase the family history of breast cancer risk?  Take an herbal supplement to hope there is relief, or find myself becoming a statistic in the potential side effect risk category of depression to the point of desiring to take my own life?  Didn't know that Melantonin is capable of increasing depression, but it says just that on the bottle.

Of course, I really don't think taking something that could increase depression is a good idea.  I am depressed enough with some of the other minimal, but not to be ignored side effects of Menopause....  Weight gain and growing hair in places that really shouldn't grow hair on women.  Looking at food already puts me at risk for gaining another pound.  Noes not matter what I drink, I get more bloated as the day goes on.  I can count on my tossing and turning every night as the extra exercise I try to do on a daily basis.  The hair on my chin gets yanked by tweezers almost daily.  It is possible that there is more than the one, but at least it is only one hair a day and not a dozen.  Yep, I am living in my own personal little heck.... An occasional sweaty, almost always itchy, bloated, emotional basket case that seems to be tortured with a crumbling house and clueless family.  Yep, living the dream, man.... living the dream.  <<--  That was sarcasm, you know.  HA!  Living the dream....  NOT.

Well, I have things to do and no interest in actually doing them, but I will.  Thanks for reading and have a stupendous day!

Stressed, desserts.... same difference....

Everyone has heard the phrase, "stressed is desserts spelled backwards".  In my case, I see it as being one of the same these days.  Especially when the proof is on my waistline.

Stress: the killer of tranquility and calm.  For every person, what stresses one person does not necessarily equal a stressful event of another.  While the basics - money and time - are the major culprits of one's stress level, in fact, it is the common thread every person deals with, but there are other factors that people rarely ever pay all that much attention to.  In fact, there are plenty of people that have been "conditioned" to tolerate these less than common triggers for stress, but once the threshold has been achieved, the body reacts in a far different way than what people see as "common" or "customary".  In hindsight of this personal finding in my life, I have also made a cross-reference to certain behaviors that are coping mechanisms to stressful situations.  Here are the ones I believe are valid. at least to me....

I am by no means a skinny girl.  I have always had curves.  In a society that worships excessively thin women as seen in the fashion magazines, I never managed to measure up.  Even when I was considered underweight according to the BMI chart in the doctor's office.  Of course, I was only 16 years old at the time, but being at 5'7" and only 110 pounds, I was not happy even at that weight.  My bone structure never matched the average cover model and regardless of that fact, I knew I could never truly be happy with myself.  In fact, I would sell my soul to be back at that sickly looking weight now, but I do value my faith a little more these days, so selling is not an option anymore.  That, and food has been my crutch for stress.  Yep, I am another common statistic of being an emotional eater.... both mentally and physically.

Knowing my stress triggers is like listing the acceptable foods list of DH.  If you have not heard, DH has a very limited palate... very limited.  It is easier to list what he will eat because the list of foods he won't would take forever.  He prefers the processed garbage that is dieting no-no after dieting no-no.  Sausage, cheese, pizza, burgers, and pasta are his go-to foods.  It has taken me almost 17 years of marriage to get him to eat a banana, eat un-breaded chicken or pork, and expand his vegetable choices beyond corn. peas, and carrots.  I mean, he will eat celery or tomatoes once in a while, but it needs to have a load of salt on it.  Lettuce is only a condiment for tacos and sub sandwiches.  His favorite Saturday meal he would make for lunch was buttered noodles with a stick of butter to a 1 pound box of noodles and who knows how much salt.  Believe me, his cholesterol was awful.  But after a health scare, he is at least trying to be a little more reasonable, but not by much.  The responsibility of making his go-to and accepted foods healthy has put plenty of stress on my shoulders.  Look at that.... one stress inducing event mentioned here and lets say that this one thing has increased my weight by 10 pounds.

With time and money not even mentioned until now, lets point out the other stress inducing factors to my already tested nervous system, shall we?

With the current economy still in the toilet, this household is under a painfully tight budget and DH is holding the checkbook.  With this chosen budget by DH, I have the added pressure to not only make foods he will eat in a healthy fashion (which is a challenge in itself), I now have a limit to how much is made and what a serving size is per person, all with having zero leftovers that may or may not be thrown away.  Since DD and I are tired of eating the same stuff from week to week, we are not exactly ones to eat leftovers.  DH usually took care of that situation, but after his last cholesterol check with the doctor, we (meaning me) needed to buckle down even more.  Yep, being responsible to remain within a budget and ration out what we eat has yet again been placed solely on my shoulders.  DH and DD don't cook.  It is not like they are incapable of cooking, they just choose to not cook, period.  In all honesty, their cooking abilities are really only limited to boiling water, using the microwave, and putting a frozen pizza in the oven.  Anything going beyond three ingredients and two steps is completely out of their comfort zone.  I have tried to make them participate in cooking since DH is a hawk at watching what lands in the shopping cart every week (yes, we all are required to shop for groceries weekly as a family, yet another stress inducing event I deal with).  With a slide rule and limited ingredients, I am to create edible meals that the whole family will consume.  Trust me, taking a package of ground sirloin that usually holds four servings, bulk it up to an amount to feed six, divide by two and with those two mounds, create two totally different meals from them.  You try that and tell me that it is not stress inducing.  Increase in weight.... another 20 pounds.

Besides the food and money situation, we have a time management issue at hand.  Since returning to work, albeit part time, it is apparently still my responsibility to keep the house clean, the laundry caught up, and the errands done.  Usually, I can handle this, but when my family has not exactly been step up worthy and even managed to step back even more.... I cannot keep up.  When I was home full time, I could follow them around with an arsenal of cleaning supplies.  The hunt to collect dirty clothes to be laundered is still going on.  The desire for anyone to put things were they belong is obviously not there, and by the look of my floors..... neither is bending over to pick up crumbs, seeds, or wipe up spills.  With the cooking situation still on my shoulders, I just don't have all that much time on my hands anymore. Especially, when I am gone almost every day for work and on those few days that I may not need to be there.... I am running all the other errands.  Back in 2008, I knew my family would not step up to ease the load on my shoulders.  In fact, I have even more.  As overwhelming as it is to me, it is yet another stress inducing event that has created yet another 10 pound weight gain.

Now, with an estimated 40 pounds gained just by my situation at home, I am not even done with the stress weight add on.  My relationship with DH is stressful on a personal level.  I am the proverbial dart board of snide remarks, nit picking, and lack of interest in who I am as a person.  Recent events highlighted that DH has zero interest in what I thought was funny happening over the weekend and managed to shoot down all communications because what I wanted to share with him was not interesting in his opinion.  My request for some seriously needed home repairs have been ignored and my kitchen has suffered water damage with zero plans for fixing it any time soon.  I probably have mold, but I guess that of it doesn't affect DH, it shouldn't affect anyone else in the house.  Of course, that bounces back to the budget situation and since the water damage is not killing anyone at the moment... I guess it can wait?  The roof of our home is damaged, but with DH's rerouting of a downspout from a gutter.... I guess everything is just honky-dory?  DD is in her unpredictable moody stage and I just have no clue what to do with that.  One minute, she is the kid I love dearly, the next, I am an embarrassment to her, then the next.... I am not exactly her biggest fan.  Meaning, I love her all the time, but I don't like her as I should from time to time.  I guess she feels the same about me.  The relationship between her and her father is rocky, at best, and there are times I have to play peacemaker.  Then, there is apparently my new responsibility to teach DD to drive since the one time her father took her.... it turned into an argument of epic proportions.  With DD's slight tendency to being a lead-foot, I am doing my best to try to breathe through the panic and try to explain to her how to be a better driver without setting her off into a tirade.  Hmmm.... that sounds like another 30 pounds of weight gain.

Let's see..... roughly 70 pounds of unwanted fat hanging off my not-so ideal bone structure and I am not even done yet.  Lets add on another 20 for the stress from working in a commission based environment, surrounded by a bunch of tightly wound, stressed coworkers that expect everything and refuse to take responsibility for anything.  The demands of hard to please clients, the unbearable traffic to and from work, and those long stretches of time I sit at my job, waiting for work to happen.

I guess I should just chalk this all up to being an overwhelmed and very under appreciated woman going through the starting stages of menopause.  Menopause alone is a guaranteed weight gaining situation in itself.  What I did not expect is the return of my panic attacks and my ulcer.  I went to the doctor, complaining about my throat not feeling right.  It feels swollen and it is hard to swallow at times.  I have managed to choke while eating.  If I am not drinking water with every bite of food, I will literally choke, in fact, I have thrown up a few times because I couldn't breathe from choking.  Now, that should have me drop the weight like crazy, right?  Nope.  I have enough weight gaining cortisol flowing through my bloodstream that I am still gaining weight.  Regardless of how active I can and have been.  With the acid churning insides I have going on, my throat is irritated and slightly swollen.... slightly, my backside!  I am in agony here!!!!  Even drinking water is a crap-shoot lately.  Because of the increased acids reaching the back of my throat, I am now required to take antacids on a daily basis with hopes things will settle down.  Along with that, I am debating if I should go back on anti-anxiety medications, but with the stress I am dealing with.... it won't do much good if the stress is still there.  Beads and books have been my outlet for stress and even those things are becoming unappealing to me,  I fear I am one more aggravation from really losing it and needing a rubber room we cannot afford for my well being.  Really, in the grand scheme of things, what is stressing me to the brink of insanity is not all that much for other people to handle, but why is it so hard for me to deal with?  Is it because that the track record for those that are supposed to support me seem to always fall short?  Is it that I lack the ability to process things individually and lump it all into one pile?  Or is it just I am far to weak to deal with anything these days?  I just don't know, but my prescription is ready to be picked up and I have to go.

Thanks for reading!

Make... it.... STOP!!! Please!

Ringing of the telephone has never made me feel such dread and frustration.  Robocalls left and right, scam artists trying to put the scare in people, and recorded ramblings found each time I answer the phone these days.  The worst offender is the people with the strong Pakistani accent claiming their name is "Shawn" or "Dave", or "Mike", claiming to be from Microsoft technical support.  Their spiel?  Apparently, they can locate viruses in computers that no longer exist.  Regardless of the notion that I got rid of my old computer after having it worked on by an actual tech expert that assured me that there is no viruses.  My old computer was just that.... old.  Too old to keep working, unless I replace a cooling fan again.  I got a new computer because I was long overdue and even with my new computer, I was assured that by the Geek Squad at Best Buy where I bought this thing.... there are no viruses or issues.  Especially when it is brand-spanking new.

While buying a new computer is considered frivolous, I took this from my vacation fund I was saving up for to finally take a trip to see my best friend that happened to move to Nevada.  With the last actual vacation taken (alone or with my family), being in March of 2007, I can say that I am well overdue for a break.  I even considered taking DD with me since her last vacation away from home was the same time I had a vacation.  DH gets an annual break from us to go "fishing" with his buddies for a few days in the next state over.  The operative word should be he is actually fishing, but every year, he comes home with a sunburn and a hangover with zero fish caught.  Knowing that the need for a computer is more important than my apparent sanity, I made the investment in a new computer.  I do like it.  It works better than my old one.  Sadly, I really don't utilize all the bells and whistles this thing has and probably never will.

Okay, back to the topic here....

With some broken or old things being slowly replaced, I am still harassed by these con-artists that want to hijack my computer.  Just because I had a remotely nice moment and talked to one of these people - a mistake I now regret - these people just won't stop calling me.  They have my first name and ask for me now.  Hidden behind caller ID names of "unavailable", "name not found", a random city or state with a hodgepodge of numbers for a telephone number, and the most unsettling of the bunch.... pasting my husband's name with our home phone number as the caller ID.  Creepy, as in seeing my home phone show a call from my home phone number on the caller ID.  Makes me think of those horror flicks that result in finding out the creepy calls are coming from inside my house.  Regardless, these people call and ask for me with their heavily accented English with their scare tactics of viruses on my computer.  Of course, they now are claiming my I.P. address is infected.  Yep, they have upped their game.  I have checked with my I.T. person and this threat does not hold water.

Don't get me wrong, I really do not try to speak to these people.  I have tried to kindly ask them to stop calling me and to remove me from their list.  Obviously, that did not work.  I have answered the call in another language (my limited Spanish is at least passable), but that results in them hanging up and calling again.  I have answered the phone stating that they just called the county morgue and same result as the answering the phone in Spanish.  DD took a call and answered in German and still no stopping them from calling again.  I have hung up on them, too, but they have not given up.  There are times I did not look at the caller ID and answered the phone.  I have informed them that "Nancy no longer lives here", to "Nancy has died recently".  Still, no stopping them.  I have told them that I no longer have a computer and that has fallen on deaf ears.  All I can say is that these people are persistent.  In all honesty.... they have upped their calling to multiple calls a day.  Over the past two days, I have received 35 calls, and 20 of them have been from these scam artists.  It is really getting out of hand!

While I do say that I am a reasonable and patient person, I am really losing my cool with these people!! My answering machine is getting a workout and I am almost ready to rip the damn phone out of the wall.  With no apparent stop in sight and the knowledge that with the upcoming presidential election just over the horizon, I am filled with dread about the constant ringing of my phone I have yet in store for me.  Between the scam artists and their brand of harassment, I will be bombarded with robocalls (that computer generated call that gives a recorded message instead of an actual person), regarding the upcoming election.  That is, in addition to the robocalls about saving on my electric bill, credit card interest savings, and whatever company that is trying to sell vent cleaning, lawn services, or whatnot.

I have signed up again for the "do not call" registry.  I know, a waste of time, but a girl can dream, right?  I have called my phone provider with requests for help regarding the harassment and the robocalls.  They gave me what they could to deter the barrage of calls with call blocking unidentified or name not available calls.  With my begs and pleading for these people to just LEAVE... ME... ALONE, I have been told to "fuck off" by the scammers.  Fitting sentiment since I told them to do the same, but that only irked them enough to up their annoyances even more.  With a second call to my phone provider, their security department is now looking into finding a solution for me without having to change my phone number.  In all honesty, I would change my phone number to something unlisted, but these hacks will figure a way to call again.  I just know it.  Especially when robocalling is all the rage these days.  A computer generated random number dialing machine will eventually find even the most secretive people out there.  I just don't have the patience to call every doctor we have, the school, and every family member with the new number that I will most likely never memorize like I have with my current number.  The hassle is enough to make me pause.  I just fear that these annoyances are going to push me to do just that.  I just have to inform DH when I do since he will have to remember the number change, too.

Next topic: the horrors of home ownership....

Paying a mortgage is something everyone does when they buy a residence.  DH and I have a home that we are paying for, but as with items in the home..... the home will need repairs and updates from time to time.  Something as simple as a fresh coat of paint can make a difference.  Sadly, DH has not had any interest in fixing what is broken here that is beyond my scope of abilities.  I am not a general contractor and I don't do ladders, but we have a leak in our roof that is now damaging my kitchen cabinets.  Not all cabinets... just the corner one.  Well, the leak has been fixed, but there is some water damage to the siding on the house that resulted in water seepage into my kitchen.  Of course, we are well overdue for an upgrade of our circa 1970 kitchen.  Laminate cabinets and laminate countertops, oh joy!  We still have the same wallpaper since the sale of this house on the walls of that room.  Sure, I can deal with the country kitchen look, but when the laminate is peeling off the cabinets and the counter is looking a little warped.... it is time to upgrade.  Well, that and the fact that the oven is original to this house when it was built in 1956 and is so obsolete that replacement parts no longer exist and have been "engineered" by DH.  I fear that my house will burn down one of these days, I swear.  In all honesty, I am not a real fancy person.  Bells and whistles don't excite me.  As long as things work (or do their specific task), I am not one to run to the home improvement store to get the newest gadget.  I think DH appreciates that about me, but when my house is crumbling around my ankles with water seepage, crumbling cabinets, and bug infestations.... I get a little cranky.... and a little impatient.  If DH is lacking motivation much longer.... I will start to have very expensive tastes.  I am having my doubts for a new kitchen, but when he returns from his "fishing" trip, he will get the nickle tour of what his lackadaisical ways is costing us.  I really want to refuse to cook in my kitchen until it is fixed, but I don't have much choice.  I do, though, have to prepare meals to be cooked in another room because of the new tenants that seem to like the waterlogged corner cabinet.  Carpenter ants!!!  Big Ones!!!!  After completely emptying out the damaged cabinet (and its neighbor), I bleached the heck out of them and then sprayed bug killer in them.  I have no interest in ever putting anything in those cabinets ever again.  Especially, after the storm of dead ants landing on my counter top.  Kind-of grosses me out and I have been a little high on bleach fumes since.  Not a good combination.  It does make me wonder.... am I being punished?  Am I being punked?  Or am I just so darn unlucky that I have this happening to me.  Of course, I doubt that I am alone in these unfortunate events.  DH and DD get to suffer with me.

Of course, I almost forgot....  Since DH left for his "fishing" trip this week.... I learned that not all generic medications have a generic price.  A prescription for me did a $60 slap to my wallet, DD's drops for her recent bout with pink eye could have slapped my wallet for another $60, but her doctor gave us a coupon and it only slapped my wallet for $25.  Gotta love medical insurance.... costs a fortune, but covers practically nothing.  I will say that if we did not have prescription coverage (as minimal as it is). my prescription would have been $70 and DD's eye drops would be a whopping $190.  Yep, definitely said bye bye to the vacation/craptastrophe fund over the course of a few days and the end is still not in sight.

I decided that it is better to laugh at these unfortunate events than cry.  Kind of getting a little hard to keep laughing, so.....  here is a message to God:

Dear God,

I am screaming "Uncle" here!!!  I can't hold it all together anymore.  It is time for you to take the wheel and take over.  Please make this stop!!  Needing a breather here.  Can you do me a solid and take over?  Thanks!!

Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!  

Just thinking out loud about..... books I choose to read

As I toasted a bagel for breakfast this morning, I poured myself a glass of sparkling water.  After smearing on a little cream cheese.... okay, a fair amount.... I grabbed my breakfast, my drink of choice, and my ever present companion (my Kindle), and took a seat at the table.  As I looked down at my Kindle and the book I am rereading for probably the fourth time, I had managed to think of an answer to my daughter's question from not so long ago come to the surface.

"Mom, why do you read romance novels?"

At first, I used to blame the Fifty Shades of Grey series.  It was the desire to find something better written since I was on my last nerve if I read the word mercurial one more blasted time.  Sheesh!  You'd think this author would find yet another word for unstable, but alas.... she liked that word enough to where I considered taking a shot of Jack Daniels every time I came across that word.  Kind of like when people watch the State of the Union Address and drink to every time a certain word is said.  Heck, in recent events, I would have chosen the word "the" and enjoyed watching that babble more than I did, but I digress.

But as I thought a little deeper, I would claim that people gravitate towards the one thing that they lack in their lives.  Biographies, Autobiographies, and Non-Fiction of the like could easily say that they have a strong desire to learn more.  Comedies are for those that need a little more laughter in their lives, and fans of fiction feel the need for an escape.

I was a self-proclaimed mystery and science fiction fanatic for years.  With authors like Stephen King, John Saul, and James Patterson lined up on my shelf.  I have read books by Dan Brown, Harlan Coben, and Jodi Picoult. Of course, the one book I read from Jodi Picoult (My Sister's Keeper), had me not pick up another one of her books.  I'll admit that the book was well written, but the emotions that resulted from what I read were a little much for me.  Dan Brown writes in a way that it feels like Non-Fiction, but definitely had me using Google a little much for my liking.

Since the arrival of my Kindle, the only books I keep in my house, actual books made of paper, that is, is the full series of Harry Potter books.  Yep, read them all and I do not care that these are considered books for kids to read.  Heck, I have all the DVDs to the movies, too.  I am a Harry Potter nerd ;)

Speaking of my Kindle and all the books that reside in there, I can say that out of, I don't know exactly, a hundred books or so.... just about every one of them are in the genre of romance.  Some good... some not so good.  Most I found for free, but purchased some from authors I really like.  I even have a couple of books written by friends of mine.  One is a Historical Romance and the other is a Mystery.  I am so proud of those friends of mine that have the talent and the drive to write an actual book.  I can read like a maniac, but I lack the traits to actually write a novel.

Now, here is the part that I get to explain my reasons for gravitating towards the genre of women's fiction/romance novels.

After a few bites of that bagel this morning, I realized that I read what I read because I do happen to lack those "warm fuzzies" a person gets from reading romance novels.  I like reading about how a person not feeling confident, become confident with a few kind words.  That journey to realization that happiness is in reach is what draws me in.  Yep, you read it here.... I lack the warm fuzzies!

My favorite authors in this genre are Kathleen Brooks, Jill Shalvis, Melanie Shawn, Susan Andersen, Kristan Higgins, and Jennifer Crusie.  Each author gives a little something that I would like to have in their writing.... small town charm, wit, humor, manners, respect, sensitivity, heart, and happy endings.  

Sure, it sounds sappy sharing these thoughts, but I have a life that lacks balance.  I have a tendency to go to extremes.... in everything.  When on a diet, I become very literal in the directions and refuse to step into those allowed gray areas like cheat days.  When I do... they turn into cheat months.  A quick cleaning of a room results in taking everything apart and meticulous scrutinizing of how it should look.  Sadly, that creates chaos in my closets when I have no clue where something should belong. And when it comes to relationships.... I end up being even more extreme.  If there is a trait I don't like, I switch gears and really focus on what I think will be acceptable.  While I have dated some quite romantic men in my life.... I focused on (and married) the least romantic person that has a wicked sense of humor because most of those romantic ones carried a large bag of insecurity with them ranging from control freak to clueless clinger.  A couple of them had a mean streak that concerned me and basically all of them lacked a sense of humor.  Sure, they had a few funny moments here and there, but they really lacked the ability to just laugh.  What I should have focused on is a person that was more balanced.  A person that has passion, but can be happy just being.  Oh, and one that is able to help out with housework wouldn't hurt, either.

Well, I can't really complain all that much because there are times that DH can be sweet.  In a recent purge of a room that I have been neglecting since I am at work more than I am not, I found a little note from him that I am planning on keeping... forever.  Not exactly sure when this was written and not exactly sure what he gave with the note (probably one of the two times he gave me flowers), but I guess I did alright with my choice.  Especially when I look at this note when he decides to be a thorn in my side to remind myself that even in extremes.... there is a little something that balances things out.  So.... in closing.... here is what that note said....

Hi.

I know your going thru tough times right now, and I'm not always there for you but I hope this will bring a little sunshine to your day.  

Love,

(DH)

Thanks for reading and have a great day!  May you find that something to balance your day :)

The peacemaker in me....

Being the youngest of my family does not exactly warrant the title of peacemaker.  That title usually goes to the middle child.  Sadly, when it comes to me.... I am apparently the exception to the rule.

Now, in my family that consists of my sisters and brother... I am not exactly a peacemaker in the truest sense of the term.  I am more like the child that gets to hang on the fringe.  I am helpful when needed and asked, but when it comes to trying to keep things on an even keel.... I am not that person.  Probably since we are all fully grown and have our days filled with our own obligations and responsibilities.  We were once a tight-knit family that made sure all the major holidays were spent with each other's company.  We also were that kind of family that always managed to call when a birthday arrived.  Heck, we all were keenly aware of how old our siblings were.  Not so much these days.  I believe the passing of my father was the final thread that kept us so tight-knit.  I do have to give my mom credit, though.  She is trying to hold the family together.  What is sad is that the vision of what we once were is considered less and less as time marches forward.  At least in the eyes of my siblings, and this is where I end up being the peacemaker....

My sisters are busy with their own spouses, work, and home life.  Can't blame them, really, but it appears that they just do not have the time to call just for the sake of saying "hi".  Same goes for my brother.  His life is apparently so topsy-turvy that the only times he calls is to talk to my daughter about an upcoming fishing trip, or if the proverbial baton is passed to me to step up more than my sisters in doing things that are family related.  Calls from my sisters don't add up to much, but I do hear from time to time that they will call me back later, but in all honesty... they don't.  Whatever was being discussed has long been forgotten.  It really does not bother me all that much.  I have come to accept my place on the fringe that is hiding in a dark corner.  It's all good.  It just bothers me when I get a call from mom about her getting basically the same treatment and how having her be left in that dark corner with me is affecting her.  At least she is not alone in the dark corner.  She has me.

In my own little family of DH, DD, and myself.... I AM THE PEACEMAKER.  DH and DD are sometimes like oil and water.  Neither understand each other.  You think that they would, since they are of the same stubborn mind.  Case in point: Recently, DH was complaining about the upstairs bathroom being a mess.  Since I don't really use that bathroom, I don't pay attention to how DD can be a one person whirlwind of a wrecking ball that lacks the ability to change out a toilet paper roll or empty out a garbage bin.  Sure, I do the cleaning around here, but with being at work more than I am not at work... it makes it even harder for me to keep up with the daily housecleaning requirements.  I can no longer follow my family with my arsenal of cleaning supplies.  I see it as if I can't get to it.... someone else can get to it for me.

Well, needless to say..... My outlook of having my family step up to help around the house is apparently a pipe dream.  I KNEW this would happen, but nobody here really listens to me anyway.  So.... after DH was complaining about the disastrous state of one of the two bathrooms in our little house, I took it upon myself to place to focus on cleaning it after I got home from work.  Figuring I was doing my job as peacemaker so that DH can be less of a thorn in everyone's side, I mentioned that I took care of the issue with the one bathroom after getting home from work.  Well, that just set him into a tirade!  He is demanding to know why I am cleaning a room that I did not mess up after working all day?  Huh.... interesting thought here.... I told him that since it bothered him so much, I took care of it because it needed to be done and nobody was stepping up to do it themselves.  Really, how hard is it to take care of something that is bothering you THAT much that it requires you to complain about it?  It shouldn't matter how it gets done, or even who does it.... what matters is that it is taken care of.  Since I already know that I enabled this behavior of my family, I only hoped that speaking my mind results in them realizing that it should be a team effort instead of it just being me taking on everything (as usual).  I was wrong, but I can still hope and pray it will change.  Just keeping the dream alive here.... one frazzled, non-confrontational step at a time.

Now, at work, I am also apparently a peacemaker.  I do my job and I do it well.  The constant professional that is always ready to be helpful.  Being short-staffed on multiple levels requires someone to step up and take care of things.  We have a shampoo assistant out for the past 2 months because of knee surgery, a boss still on the mend from her 4th surgery from the car accident that happened last year, co-workers that refuse to keep to their schedule, and an increase in demand to keep things going smoothly for the customer.  I have become a one woman crew in the salon I work at.  The shampoo assistant informed me that her return to work date has been pushed back again.  She thought she was going to be back in mid April.  Then it was beginning of May.  Now it is possibly the end of May.... maybe early June.  So with this person being M.I.A., I am doing her job and mine.  On Tuesdays, I am dealing with a fellow employee that really does not want to come to work, but calls in to make an excuse to not coming in to work.  When she is there, she is not focused and only stays an hour or two and then leaves.  Since it is just her and I on Tuesdays (because the other two stylists flat out REFUSE to follow a schedule, it ends up being only myself running the place on my own.  I shampoo, clean, make coffee, answer phones, do the laundry (towels), AND do the job I was hired for (hairdressing).  Basically, I earn commission on what my job is, but not an hourly wage for all the extras that should be covered by additional staff that is still not there.  I have considered leaving this place and going to rent someplace like those salon studios, but with this still being a rebuild of a client base from the last place I worked at.... I am not making enough to afford all the overhead that is required of being an individual contractor.  If I could, I would, since I feel like I am on my own so much.  My peacemaker abilities here are because my boss needs a reliable employee, and that appears to be me.

Now, with all this peacemaking..... I wonder why I don't feel like I can truly be at peace?  Is it because I take on too much and lose focus on what would make me happy?  Possibly.  But, with my days filled with avoiding the wrath of my families (home, work, and other), I really cannot focus on the one person that I should be focused on.... ME.  I should stop putting myself last, but I am starting to believe that all my enabling ways of being a peacemaker has put me in a position that I cannot stop.  Derailing this crazy train that is called life is not a good thing.  Definitely NOT a good thing.

Well, time to trudge forward and do a little more Spring cleaning in my house.  The room that houses my computer is a disaster and is in desperate need of a good purging.  Won't get it all done today, but I won't get all that much done if I sit here and floss my thoughts.  Thanks for reading and have a great day!

The requirement phenomenon....

In life, we all have requirements.  Well, more like expectations, but with these expectations, we are required to remain consistent.  Sure, there are times we can blur the line between expectation and requirement, but to what level has me thinking.  A simple example would be....  Being an adult and acting as one.

Being an adult has always been acknowledged by age, but sadly, not by mentality.  Why is that?  I know some teenagers that are more mature and adult-like than some adults I know.  Is it a personality trait?  Or is this some immature acts just a cry for attention?  I guess society may never know.

The reason for today's blog is because of a situation that I have been dealing with for a while now.  I work in a volatile environment.  Well, I believe everyone does.  Especially when there is more than one person involved.  Varying views of what is right and what is expected, or in this case, required, is where situations can go from bad to worse rather quickly.  It is known that a person can mask their indifference, but when the issue grows out of control, the devastation left behind is truly painful.  Here is my example....

Lets just say that there are at least a half dozen people that have hit their limit of irresponsible behavior.  Each complaint has an underlying childish reaction ranging from... making excuses to not come into work, to making accusations in a gossip like fashion.  Kind-of like creating cliques within the workplace.  Think of the childish behavior in high school hallways being reenacted by a group of people that happen to be seen as adults that have children and some that have grandchildren of their own.  The snubbing, the snide comments made behind the backs of people, the gossip.....  Heck, I understand the reason for these reactions, but when it happens with a group of adults that supposedly were responsible of teaching their children to have better behavior... it makes me wonder if these example setting adults were really being honest with their following generations.

Now, there is supposed to be a meeting of the minds when it comes to seeking a resolution to issues.  Problems are to be presented and a reasonable solution is to be created.  I just fear that when this meeting of the minds hits a brick wall when it appears that the immaturity quotient of the masses refuses to take responsibility of their own actions and places blame on the one person seen as the one in charge, but that one person has all their faith in their constituents that they are of a mature mind and should have resolved this issue without an argument.

Okay, okay, okay..... I tried to share this thought as nondescript as I could, but I feel that this is just missing the mark.  Instead of deleting what I have so far.... I am just going to plug forward in a more direct route.....

My workplace is a ticking time bomb!  Varying views of what is expected vs what is required is one big, HUGE detonator on a very unstable bomb.  The immature behavior of my coworkers in reaction to what is happening at the workplace is absolutely baffling!  Some people complaining that they are not making enough to pay their rent feel it making excuses to not come to work is an acceptable punishment to a business owner that cannot manage the business due to illness and/or injury, while the business owner is placing faith that their employees are mature enough to take responsibility all by themselves.  Others are so greedy that they are poaching clients that did not ask for them and do not care that their behavior is hurting the work environment, but has the ability to lie and deny their behavior. Oh, and the greediest one seems to have a champion in her corner.... the business owner!  Defending someone by believing in the lies is just business suicide!  What I happen to fear, because I am no longer immune to the insanity in the workplace, is that I am being sucked into the vortex with an express lane to the seventh ring of Hell.  Witnessing the greedy one, not once but TWICE, try to poach clients of mine in front of me is pushing me to act immaturely.  Witnessing the childish behavior of coworkers that claim to be not making enough to pay their rent, but can afford to go to concerts and shows, calling in sick on an almost daily basis as well as spread poor attitude when they are there.  The direct snubbing of coworkers with the act of a cold shoulder so cold..... wearing layers becomes mandatory when you come to work when there is more than just one employee present.  Threats of quitting hang heavy in the air, but no action has been taken.  The unprofessional or uncertain behavior of those that try to work within the chaos of an unstable workplace, seeking to find employees that prefer to not come to work when they are needed, to explaining to clients that they are needing to call them back because they cannot book appointments because the person they are seeking is completely unreliable, and the apologies when people are perpetually late for work.  Really, if there has been construction going on in your route to work and that makes you late.... change the route or leave earlier for work.  Sheesh!  This construction traffic has been going on for almost 2 years!  You have had plenty of time to figure how to get to work on time by now, right?  

WOW!  What a load off my chest spilling that out!  Sadly, I feel another wave coming on and I already fear that there is no solution for this one.  Especially, when some of the immaturity ridden people are right.  Without change, there is no progress.  Being constantly forced to conform to less can make an unstable work environment.  But how does an individual present the need for change when there is no budget to accommodate the necessary changes?  Hiring a manager should be a solution to keep the chaos at bay, but since the insanity is affecting the growth to afford change.... it is just another obstacle that cannot be solved within reason.... too high to climb over, too deep to tunnel under, and too wide to go around.  With zero power to push though it.... it concerns me what is going to happen next.

Now what?  No easy solutions.  Only more questions.

Sorry I am not being much help if you feel you are suffering from the same, or similar situation.  The only thing I can say is to never give up.  Challenges, obstacles and setbacks are building blocks to learning and growth.  Failure is really an opportunity to try again.  Success comes from the drive to move forward. And quitting is not exactly always the best option.  Best of luck and thanks for reading!

I can only guess....

Good afternoon!  Well, basically it is almost evening, but when the need to blog strikes.... it is best to just get it over with.  Let's begin... shall we?

Okay, I am not saying that life and work are perfect.  We just don't live in an ideal existence where what we want is there for the taking or even handed to us on a silver platter.  Life is hard, work takes effort, and the driving force to obtain what we seek takes determination.  With every aspect of life, it takes the desire to push yourself forward.  We take chances and hope for the best, but learn from the worst.  It boils down to adaptability.  Being able to adapt and accept change in order to grow.

I guess the reason I am sharing this thought brings me to remember a statement given to me years ago when I was in Cosmetology school.

"You are the maker of your own success story. Success does not just land in your lap with a pretty bow on it.  It takes effort, it takes patience, and it takes skill.  Skills can be taught, but only you can utilize your skills to create a successful career.  Without effort, patience and skill.... you will not succeed."

That statement (obviously, not verbatim), has been the mantra that has kept me level headed in my line of work.  Well, that and being a reasonable person.  I have close to 30 years experience in Cosmetology and have been a darn good hairdresser.  Sadly, I have also been the best kept secret for most of my clients, so my client base has not exactly been built upon referrals.  It has been built on satisfied clients.  What seems to miff me into a tizzy these days is the environment I have been working in for these past 10-12 years.  I just don't get it.... why is there fewer and fewer people with a strong work ethic?

Over the years, I have worked at various jobs.  Working in a hair salon has been my constant.  If I was not working full time at a salon, I was working part time.  I think it was in my 20's that I ventured away from full time hair salon work and went to part time while I worked in an office for the sheer purpose of having health insurance and a more steady paycheck.  Working in a hair salon is a feast or famine lifestyle.  There are times you are so busy, you forget to eat and there are times you are lacking things to do that you would rather be at home asleep than sitting at a salon waiting for a client to walk in.  In this line of work, especially in a commission based environment, you only earn from your billable services provided.  Meaning: if you are sitting around, doing nothing... you are earning nothing.  Thus, the concept of feast and famine.  It is rewarding work, but it takes a strong person to weather the highs and lows.  Sadly, some people lack the strength.  Here is what I mean....

I stayed at a salon for several years and struggled to make a paycheck that leaves me with some pocket money.  The environment was professional, but not in the same breath.  If you were not a huge money maker behind the chair, you are shuffled into the dark corner and forgotten when new opportunities arise.  Makes it really hard when your goal is to become one of the money making elite, but ending up being the chump change overflow person.  That person that always gets the out of town wedding parties that offer zero chance of getting any repeat business.  I know that being part time puts me at a disadvantage, but when your boss knows that you want to build up to a full time status and just doesn't seem to care.... well, then you can guess that achieving that goal is just as possible as digging a well with a pair of tweezers.  After several years of loyalty and determination to keep trying... I felt I had to seek a job elsewhere.  Sadly, the next place I went to work was just as dismal, but I was determined to keep trying.

Now, not to say that I hate my job, but I hate my situation is a fair assessment.  Going from one back-stabbing situation to another would make you scratch your head in disbelief that a person as smart as I am could do that, but here I am.... I have done it again.  Luckily, the situation does have potential to put me on more firm ground to build a new foundation of clients.  Since my last place of employment did not allow me to keep client records, I have basically started from ground zero all over again.  I am proud to say that I have managed to build a good starting point over this past year, but I am starting to tire of the childish antics that happen in the workplace and fear that it will affect my ability to grow as a professional.  Especially, when the childish antics are pushing me to react before thinking first.  Here is what I am getting at for today's blog post....

I can only guess that a person has a limit to how much effort is put out.  I work in an environment that should be filled with driven people that would work in a team-like fashion to not just support their fellow coworker, but to to encourage them to be the best that they can possibly be.... sadly, that is not the case.  I work in an environment that consists of people lacking the drive, lacking the passion, and in all honesty.... lacking the ability to be a cohesive team.  Some people choose to back-stab and poach clients, others choose to not bother coming in to work, while others have no staying power to weather the lows in client flow with late starts and early leaving.  Heck, some cannot commit to a schedule from week to week.  Tension is high as management is not exactly managing the situation.  Most likely due to becoming tired of constantly trying to wrangle the straying staff and letting them just sink or swim.  Sure, the opportunity to build a clientele is there.  Heck, I am proof positive of that.  It is the animosity that is affecting my attitude.  The dull tarnishing the shine of passion for what we do.  I just wonder.... when will things change in a positive way?  Will it be before or after rock bottom hits?  Will it ever happen if this train of destruction continues to pick up speed?  And how can we stop the damage from increasing?  Heck, how did this even start?

Is it possible that the lack of drive is from lack of consistency?  Is it from lack of passion?  Is it lack of management?  Is it just from exposure to those few toxic people that poison the environment?  Is it from the inability to change and grow?  I just cannot seem to get a finger on what is causing this in order to fix it, but is it really my job to fix it?  I am not a manager, I am not the owner, but I am the maker of my own success.  Does that qualify me to put in even more effort to fix this to help the others?  Or should I just focus on only my career and not bother with the business that hired me to be part of their non-team-like team?  If not.... then, how do I instill a positive work environment when the non-positive forces are prevailing?  I do know that in the past, I worked with people that lacked the drive to go beyond what what was expected.  Just meeting the basic requirement was good enough for them.  I, on the other hand, had a strong work ethic to go beyond the bare minimum.  Of course, when it came to growth in an office environment.... I was held back under the thumb of management because I did more than most and never sought out credit for it.  In fact, it made management look so good with minimal effort on their part, they just sat back and reaped the rewards.  Frustration seemed to take center stage with me and I ended up changing jobs in order to go up one rung of the corporate ladder.  When I finally landed in a field that I did well in, I was yet again bombarded with extra work from other departments to pick up their slack.  The stress pushed me into a continual battle with panic attacks and general anxiety disorder.  In order to get off the Xanax and see clearly, I had to leave what I thought was going to be my dream career and continue with my first passion of doing hair.  Sadly, recent events have been making me wonder if I can survive if I keep ending up in less than optimal mental health situations.  With the way the economy is.... I have no college degree with work experience in anything beyond being a Cosmetologist (also known as a hairdresser).  Sure, I could work in fast food, but even there has the less than driven people moseying around, doing the bare minimum.  I would love to be my own boss, but I do not have the capital to do so.  Heck, I am not even sure I want to deal with what I am dealing with on the level of being a business owner.  I just wish I knew why people are the way they are.  I also hope that things will get better for all.

Well, this little release of thought has helped a little.  Not much, since I have no solution to the problem that I really have no control over.  All I can control is myself, but in a way to accept or adapt to not let the environment get the best of me is going to be a challenge.  Thanks for reading!