Relating, but not relating.....

What I happen to share on my blog is things I happen to have feelings about.  Sometimes, it is very strong and other times, it is just a little on the annoying side.  What I do know is that people happen to relate to what I share.  Well, not exactly, but as like the game, "seven degrees of separation", (aka seven degrees of Kevin Bacon), there will always be something that matches somewhere that connects to the same end becomes what is considered relate-able.  Usually, it is a feeling that matches, but it can also match in an opinion.

With that being said, here is where I feel I need to share the one thing that makes my blog make sense for today.....  It is the inability to relate because of a different personal situation to a shared thing.  Simply put, a person that does not have children may think that they can relate to someone who does, but they simply just can't.  This assumption that they can relate, or even understand, boggles the mind.  Mainly due to the lack of connection to the situation.  Kind-of like getting an outside opinion, but knowing that once the opinion cannot relate to the situation makes it hard to consider the option.  While the person that does not have children can easily take a harsher stand to make a point, it is the fact that a parent takes a totally different approach that makes these non-relating people not relate in any shape of form.  I guess that the old saying of 'walking a mile in someone else's shoes' does apply after all.  Also, does the other saying of 'judging one's book by it's cover'.  Yes, situations can be similar, but they never are exact.

What I do happen to find unnerving is the push people have in believing that what they believe is right, happens to not be right for everyone involved.  There is zero wiggle room to consider other alternatives....  Basically, it is either black or white with no shades of gray to consider.  People that happen to be that opinionated and convinced that they know everything is really painfully far from the truth.  Heck, they really do not have the desire to learn any more from life and the events that come from it that it saddens me to the point of tears.  Nobody on this plane of existence is perfect...  we are to strive to be the best that we can be.  Well, maybe at this point, I am trying to show that a judgement should not be made without all the facts in place.  Making assumptions and standing with such vigor at what you think can prove to be quite ignorant actions seen by others.

The reason for today's blog is because I have experienced, first hand, the pain that family can bring.  With Thanksgiving behind us and Christmas just around the corner.....  I am seeing the family dynamic crumble before my eyes.  What hurts even more is that this has been happening for years and I have played ignorant to it.  Siblings fighting, opinions flying, and harsh actions being taken on people that are supposed to care for one another because really, if we do not have family....  we really do not have much.  Sure, we can have plenty of friends, but there are not that many friends that will weather any storm with you and always have your back in times of need.  What friend will be willing to forgive as easily as family is capable of?  Where do you find support when you feel things are crumbling at your feet?  Friends can only do so much.... it is family that handles the good, the bad, and the ugly without running for the hills.  Heck, where do people get off thinking that once you are fully grown, you can ignore your parents because they somehow do not fit in your plans anymore?  Parents are the first to sacrifice for their children and the very last to turn their backs on a bad situation.  Sure, parents are opinionated, but that is because of their wealth of knowledge they had well before you were born.  Sure, parents will fight with you, but their fight is to stand up for what they believe is more than what they had.  They only want what is best for you, regardless of how old you are....  You are their baby no matter what.  That is what parents give.... unconditional love and support.  Maybe not at the level you believe you deserve, but they give this willingly and continue to even when you shut them out, ignore them, and treat them with disrespect.  It angers me to no end that there are people that put conditions upon the love they get from their parents.  Heck, the lack of ability to try harder to maintain a relationship with our parents makes me sick to my stomach.  We all learned that life is never fair, not easy, but apparently some people never remembered that lesson when it comes down to a reasonable expectation that family should matter... no matter where our lives take us.  Nope, people would sooner want to place their elders in a home and forget about them, or place the responsibility on others to put in the effort to take care of things.  Spending quality time with family has become a chore to some and holidays have become an unwelcome mandatory event to attend to.   Never once has it been considered that these attempts of getting family together during the holidays is because the chances of getting everyone together is greater at those times than at some random day in any given month?  Sure, we have lives to live and things to attend to, but never managing a little time towards family is a painfully poor excuse to me.  Sure, plans can be made and be broken, but there needs to be some consideration to those you break your plans for as well as appreciation to those that attend.

I guess what I am getting at is....  we can all relate and not relate at the same time.  But if there is an effort to look at all the angles and really connect to what we can relate upon...  maybe, just maybe, relating to a situation can become more of an understanding instead of an opinion.

Thanks for reading and have a great day.....

The Mental(ity)block.....

Have you ever noticed that just about everything is affected by attitude and level of confidence?

Lets just say that individual attitude is what makes or breaks a life event, okay?  My last blog post, I asked 'Why can't I be that confident person that can face the world (flaws and all) and just be happy in the now?', and apparently, there was a serious misunderstanding by some people that felt compelled to confront me face-to-face about it.  It was probably due to the fact that I was just not all that thrilled with the notion of going back to dieting in order to feel better about myself when it basically does the opposite in attitude.  You know, as well as I, that when a person goes on a diet... they feel deprived and cranky.  Exercise feels more like a punishment than a fun thing to do.  The constant watchful eye on calorie count, fat grams, and nutritional knowledge that makes the people that are around them very uncertain of a positive experience because jealousy rears it's ugly head because chances are.....  others that surround a dieter are not on a sacrificial journey to lose some weight and are free to eat whatever they want with zero guilt attached.  TRUST ME...  I am fully versed in this world.  I am a meat and potatoes kind-of girl that is being forced to live eating like a rabbit.  Definitely NOT a happy journey to be taking, if you ask me.

Of course, it is an all too common journey taken by women everywhere.  Men happen to take this journey, too, but with their metabolism being different...  the journey is short-lived and rarely ever feels like a diet to them.  For women... it is a life long battle that pushes the limits of even the most reasonable of women to the brink.  You rarely ever hear a man say, 'Just hand me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt!'...  nope, that is something a woman on the edge is saying and it fares far better if you do as the lady asks ;)

What I am trying to get at is the recent misunderstanding of what I was trying to share last time spurned on a subject that I felt needed to be shared.  In fact, I almost feel compelled to spell it all out in capital letters to get my point across, but alas I cannot alter a person's perception of anything because they will already have a preconceived notion of what I am saying without fully reading the blog.  Of course, the truth is....  these people that act upon what they perceive are those type of people that never read the owner's manual to anything they own and rarely, if ever read the instructions before using a new item.  You know who you are, so don't deny it....

You are probably asking, 'Would you get to the point already?', and here is my simplest reply.... so here goes....

The point is......  In every experience we happen to have in life, good or bad, it is shaped by the attitude we have.  It is very rare to find a person feeling all confident and happy with their weight to suddenly go on a diet/lifestyle change and be happy with it.  It is rare to find a person looking forward to swimsuit shopping after gaining the usual holiday weight that happens to all of us.  It is uncommon to find a person jumping for joy about getting a root canal.  It is even more uncommon to find a person that is looking forward to rejection of any shape or form.  No, things like these (and many more) are least enjoyed and our attitudes affect it greatly.  In fact, it increases the displeasure when the displeasure in already in place before it happens.

We are not perpetual rays of sunshine that seek the good in everything.  We all get disappointed from time to time.  Heck, life is not always fair or easy.  It is how we choose to perceive something is what draws us to early conclusions.

Sure, people are wonderful actors.  We can slap on a smile and pretend that everything is coming up roses for everyone else around us, but acting can only take us so far.  We do happen to choose those select few to know the whole truth, but in general, life becomes more of an act instead of a life filled with feelings.  That is where I see the line between fake and reality being blurred.

I just had a nice long talk with my best friend last night.  She is miles away, but just talking with her opened up my mind considerably.  Of course, she does share with me some interesting things she happens to find and one thing I will have to research further is the notion that talking about negativity brings on some sort of euphoric high to the brain and that it has potential of becoming addictive to see the negative in everything.  In fact, it can make a usually positive person look at everything in a negative light.  It sounds just odd enough to be something quite reasonable when it comes down to certain people I happen to know.  In fact, it seems to explain a lot to me about those kind of people.  That it just might be that being miserable is what makes them happy.  Oh, I know... total head scratching concept, but it sure sounds plausible to me.  I, personally, would prefer to be happy because I am happy and not because I am miserable or I drag others around me to "misery town", but as I am typing this....  I am seeing some shred of truth to it.  Quite sad, if you ask me, but we are a complex breed.

NOW TO THE POINT OF THIS BLOG.....

With these recent findings of feelings affecting basically everything we experience and how these feelings affect out perception of an event personally taken.... is it possible to truly create a change in attitude over a negative thing and make it a positive experience?  Or do we need to already be in a positive/confident state of mind to truly become successful?

Does a nagging notion of dislike to a number on a scale hold value to a person's self worth?  Does this feeling of being less than worthy affect the outcome of an act to improve the outcome of a less than enjoyable journey being taken?

And...

How does one achieve the confidence and positive mentality to achieve a goal set before them?

That is what I am thinking about today.
Thanks for reading and have a great day...

Why can't I.....

I just saw a recent picture taken of me and I have come to the conclusion that I need to pull the plug on future pictures.  If I have to use the phrase that I am in WITSEC (witness protection)... I will.

If you have not figured by the above statement.... I rarely ever look in the mirror and did not realize how much weight I have gained over the past few months.  Of course, as it is well known....  when one gives up a habit, another will take its place.  I thought I was eating right, but alas the proof is in the photograph.  Quite depressing, if you ask me, but the facts rarely ever lie.

I know, I know....  women have a tendency to rate their worthiness by a number.  It ranges from the most depressing places (the bathroom scale), and expands from there to clothing size.  While I still fit in my clothes, I have noticed that they fit just a little tighter than before.  Of course, if you saw me on a daily basis.... I wear fairly baggy clothes to begin with.  I feel it hides the flaws better.  Oh, and most of my clothes are in shades of black, gray, or other solid, dark colors.  I rarely wear anything with a pattern, and if it does have one.... it is on my shirt and nowhere else.

What got me to see that I have a serious problem is when I saw the picture of me.  I appeared to be..... puffy.  My face looks quite fuller and there seems to be a little extra residing under my chin.

I usually avoid the scale like the plague and numbers happen to scare me, but depress me at the same time.  So when curiosity reared it's ugly head this morning....  I faced the evil demon in my bathroom.... the scale... and resolved to accept it's dismal fate.  Trust me... I knew I was going to be disappointed...  Just not that disappointed.  Yep, the overly-critical girl has returned and the decision has been made that I need to return to being a food hating, happiness killing monster that will most likely sabotage myself in the very near future because I am a weak person.  So, be prepared for me to be silent in social circles.  It is far safer to not poke this bear for a while.

I resigned up on my Weight Watchers site and had it recalculate what I am allowed point-wise a day.  I will be researching the serving size of everything edible in my home.  Snacking will be rationed out like a war-torn country under a vicious dictatorship.  DH will be forewarned very soon about the potential crying jags once I have no more points to consume for the day because their picky eating choices are obviously not weight watcher approved food choices.  The investment in a new bottle of vitamins to cover the nutrient loss I will be suffering with such iron-fist controlled dietary restrictions are now going to also be counted in the all mighty points fashion.  Yep, I am even giving nutritional supplements a points value because chances are.....  they have one that weight watchers does not tell you about and failure will become more evident if I do not succeed in a timely fashion.  Of course, I know I have to be reasonable about the scale number going down at a slower pace than it took to gain, but I am going to have to be extreme if I ever want to see results.  Oh, and don't get me started on the water drinking frenzy that is waiting for me....  I seriously will be fearful of drowning by water consumption at the levels that I am looking at.  Oh joy!  All the bland water I can consume daily....  Someone slap me!!  I must be dreaming!!!  I feel like I won the water drinking lottery!!!!

What I happen to wonder is....  Why can't I be that confident woman that does not base her beauty by a number?  How can I overcome the insecurities that I have ingrained in my psyche that I am less worthy of a person because of my weight, my clothing size and how awful I look in pictures?  Is it possible to overlook the imperfections and achieve acceptance?  Do I really need to be waif thin to be truly happy?  Heck, how do I accept compliments as they are and grow from them if I constantly voice my doubts of their sincerity?  People are capable of saying nice things because you are nice to them,  but does that really mean that they are being fully honest with you?  Heck, I just wonder how I can embrace the food-Nazi lifestyle where I have to pick apart everything that passes my lips because according to weight watchers.....  This is not a "diet"... it is a lifestyle change to be continued for the rest of my life.  And with the holidays just around the corner?  Oh, this should be fun!!!

Just be forewarned....  There will probably be long periods of silence from me.  My head shall be too clogged with points values to everything in my life.  From food allowances used to exercise/activity points earned.  My head is already spinning in trying to figure out how I can make this work and remain working for the rest of my existence...  to never once lose sight of the prize, and to be strong enough to pick myself up once I fail because I know I will fail along this journey.  Heck, I will need the strength to keep picking myself up because the self-saboteur in me will be working overtime, regardless of the desire to succeed.  UGH!  I am already dreading the journey and I have not taken more than a few small steps....  This is not good....

Thanks for reading and have a great day....

The fragility of life.....

I know, as well as countless others, that life is a gamble.  A risk usually willingly taken by choice, with hopes that the outcome is favorable.  We are aware that when it comes to risk factors....  it really is a 50/50 chance.  Regardless of the true risk factors because we are cautionary people...  even in the most dangerous of times.  The reason behind the natural instinct to be cautious?  The true fear of an untimely death.

It is common knowledge that we are all destined to die at some point in our lives.  Some far sooner than others, but it is destined to happen.  While most of us like to believe that our life expectancy is determined by a higher power, there is a small number that make that decision all on our own.  Does this make acceptance of death any easier to take?  No.

I guess the reason I am sharing this morbid thought today is because I lost another person from my life.

Just yesterday, I got the news that another neighbor of mine has passed away.  Of course, it was a total shock at how this came about because this person's death happened because of an injury that could have been avoided.

I am the type of person that once you become my friend.... you are a true friend.  Sure, we all have different levels of friends and friendships that range from acquaintance to sibling-from-another-family-best friend.  I just happen to see this pool of friends more as a thread in the tapestry of my life and every thread is important to me.  All appreciated... all revered...

Well, this neighbor/friend of mine was a 86 year old gem.  He was the kindest and most generous person I had the pleasure of meeting in my journey of life.  Of course, the how I got to know this person (and his wife) was through their pet.  Yep, a dog lover at heart always seems to connect with other dog lovers far easier than others.  This true gentleman always had a smile upon his face and always kind words coming from his mouth.  Heck, I saw him as a perpetual ray of sunshine.  A stubborn and determined to remain active ray of sunshine.  I recall times in the winter, this man walking his dog down my sidewalk to stop by, hand me the leash and grab my shovel to help me clear my driveway while I got to be greeted with "puppy happiness" in my day.  It always ended up with me taking my shovel back from him to tell him it is not necessary to do my job, but he would give me that look that told me that I was not to do a man's job.  Yep, a true gentleman.  Albeit a bit old-fashioned, but a true gentleman.  He reminded me of my dad.  With my dad being gone for almost 13 years....  this man with his old-fashioned gentlemanly ways reminded me that even though he was gone... he would never be forgotten.

Knowing the stubborn streak this gem of a neighbor was, I should not be surprised that he would do as he pleased and would get himself hurt, but it did anyway.  His wife demanded that he should not go on the roof to clean the gutters of the fallen leaves.  She was arranging for one of their kids to handle this, or even considering calling a service to handle it for them.  Climbing on to the roof is a serious risk that should not be taken by the likes of an 86 year old man.  His stubbornness and determination came at a price because he decided to climb on the roof while his wife went to the grocery store.  With their house being down the block from my house, I could not see him climb onto the roof, nor did I see him fall off the roof... nobody did. But I did see the paramedics come screaming down my street when his wife came home to blood on her front porch step and the ladder laying on the ground.  Somehow, her husband, in shock apparently, got himself into the house and up the stairs and into bed.  He even took off his shoes at the door and hung his coat on the chair.  I learned that he lost all speech capabilities and was falling unconscious when his wife found him.  A severe head injury, a broken hip, a broken wrist, and a broken leg is what happened upon impact.  Internal bleeding on the brain is what did him in.  He did not make it through the night.

If he would have listened to his wife and avoided going on the roof, chances are he would still be here with us today...  spreading his kindness, positive attitude, and being the reminder that true gentlemen still exist.

Heck, just thinking of the risk for cleaning gutters makes me shiver.  That is one thing I will not do here at my own home.  DH handles that task and I now have even more reason to be fearful.  We are not getting any younger and even though the odds are always a true 50/50....  I see this as a risk that nobody should take.  There needs to be some sort of safety measure in place, but even with safety measures.... the risk is still a true 50/50.  I know I am not willing to take it, but others are.  All I know is that if it is my time to pass....  I want it to be peaceful and in my sleep because my gentle neighbor's way was filled with fear and pain.  Falling from a roof for Pete's sake!!!  I feel sick just thinking about it.  It also reminds me the fragility of life as well as the uncertainty of how much time we really have.

Be safe, friends, and have a great day.

An update for those that are curious.....

Well, it appears that my efforts actually achieved something!!!!

Here is what I managed to learn.....

When I got up Saturday morning, I put DH's note with the tickets and gift card on the coffee maker and was just about ready to leave for the day.  I was super excited for what I did manage to accomplish without ruining the surprise, but I could not wait any longer.  I accidentally "spilled the beans" that there was a surprise waiting to be seen, waiting for DH when I went to tell him I was leaving for work.  HEY!  It was a major accomplishment on my part that I did not tell him about these plans I made for them when I got everything together days ago, so there!  Growth on my part!

Well, the excitement I thought was going to happen over this little planned adventure did not arrive when DH went to look at the packet I left for him.  His first comment was how doing something like this was ruining his plans to cleaning up leaves for the day.  Really?????  Cleaning up leaves on a windy way was taking a more important role than spending quality time with his daughter?????

I was not pleased, to say the least, when I heard his reluctance to going anywhere other than the yard that surrounds our home.  I put my anger aside and stated the importance of this little trip.  With fingers crossed and hope in my heart, I urged DH to at least try and left for work.

All throughout the day at my job, I was thinking about the distinct possibility that DH could easily disappoint DD yet again.  You see, she already knew my plans and was excited to take this little adventure.  If she had her heart broken..... well, I do not know what I would do, but I assure you all.... it would be something and probably something not very nice.  With renewed hope and belief that DH would not let DD down, I made it through my day at the salon.

Tired and sore from a day that had me bouncing from one end of the salon to the other, I made it home to make dinner.  Dishes from the previous night not washed were still sitting in the sink, but I did not get upset.  I needed to know if DH did what I asked him to do.  Then......

DD comes up to me and in an excited way starts to share with me all the fun she had with her father.  Heck, she could not wait for dinner to be done and on the table to start talking about their day and what fun it was.  That plan of sharing our day over dinner apparently was not soon enough for my darling daughter.  She needed to share her feelings right away!  I was relieved, to say the least, that my plans worked without any problems.  In fact, I learned that DH put his most charming foot forward and that made me smile.  They even took the time to walk the mall, talk and just look at stuff together.  They even talked over lunch and talked the whole way home.  I was thrilled!  Then, of course, I did feel a little bad for DH at first.  He had a hangover to deal with, but not so guilty that he had to listen to his teenage daughter talk his ear off.  Paybacks are fair game in my book.  I warned him that being a parent will take patience.  Heck, I told him that being a parent is more than just financial backing.  It takes spending time awake, alert, and ready for just about anything.

After the roar of excitement was finally dying down, I even heard something that I rarely ever hear from DH....  An honest sign of appreciation with a "Thanks" attached.  Really??  A thanks for planning something fun for their day??  A mention that they even managed to have some fun in the process?  Heck, even the "words of wisdom" that he passed on to our daughter over the hype of a smart phone.  Who knew he had it in him to say that a smart phone is not all that smart.  It is really about the person who uses the phone that makes it smart and regardless of what her friends taunt her about with not owning a smart phone...  she has the smartest phone around.  Definitely a tug of the heart springs, if you ask me.....

With the success of this little adventure, I finally now see the potential of a great father/daughter relationship.  In fact, these tow are getting along a lot better over this past week and I look forward to more growth for the both of them.  I just have to keep reinforcing everything and maybe I can rest at night knowing that they finally get it..... Family is important.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!

Hoping and praying this goes right....

Good morning!  I am putting the finishing touches on the father/daughter adventure I have planned for DH and DD.  If you have not read my previous blog entry, here is the Cliff's Notes version....

Got a call from DD's school with yet another mention that DD scored high on the test to determine if you suffer from depression.  Isn't that great?  She did not even study for that one and got high marks!  (Obviously said in sarcasm, if you did not get that... I gotta be really clear with what I share with these days, so there is zero misunderstanding)  After having a long conversation with the school counselor and pointed out some seriously obvious signs that this screening system is totally bunk, I either had an epiphany or a mental snap once I hung up the phone.  I made the decision that I needed to fully reinforce the June Cleaver/Leave it to Beaver, Brady Bunch, and Ozzie and Harriet Show card....  Changes needed to be made at home to reflect a more classic family persona with family dinners at the table with all family members present as well as making it mandatory that DH and DD share at least one father/daughter adventure in order to bond.  You see, DH prefers to treat DD more like a younger sibling with teasing and whatnot when he should be acting like her father.  Who knows, this childish behavior is probably his way of showing affection towards DD and I, but I have had my fill of being the only adult in this house and I decided change is in order once I hung up the phone.

I had a talk with DH (a really harsh one about his behavior, basically reprimanding him like he is a child) and laid out my plan of action.  Then, I had a long talk with DD about her behavior towards her father, as well as her behavior around me, and laid out the plan of action to her.  There were to be no distractions during family meals, all meals are at the dining room table, and WE WERE TO TALK TO ONE ANOTHER!!

Well, the dinner thing/check your attitude plan was part one of the changes that were to happen in our home.  The second part is improving the father/daughter bond.

Ever since DD was born, in fact, even before I married DH, I felt it was a reasonable thing to let DH decompress with friends at least once a week.  Of course, before DH's little health scare, he took advantage of that by making it a daily thing and allow him to sleep the fun off over the weekend.  Once he had his health scare, he scaled back the number of times he had a beer with his friends to only one night a week and that has been Friday nights.  So far, so good, he has held that tradition, sadly with an iron fist, but he definitely dialed it back and I am happy for that.  Rome was not built in a day and neither is changing a habit.  Well, after DD was born, I decided to go back to work, part time, in a salon, just so I can keep my wits about me.  I was at a point where I could understand baby babble better than actual speaking the English language and that was scaring me.  Of course, this plan was not made without a secondary plan...  I wanted DH to have the opportunity to step up as a father and take care of his daughter.  At the beginning, it was easy since she slept all the time, but once she got older... I figured that DH would step up his game and actually do things or take his daughter places, but alas, I already knew what was going on.  She spent the day sleeping off his beer and buddies night before while DD was left with the TV to entertain her.  It upset me to no end, but if I was to quit my part time job to interact with society, then DH probably would have opted to be even more hung over and left all the child care for me to handle while he lounged around the house, not stepping up to being a father.

I was fortunate enough that my side of the family wanted to spend time with DD.  In fact, my brother made (and kept) plans for him and her to do something.  It was usually going fishing, but it was spending quality time making memories for her and I am ever so thankful for that.  It was the sign that I was not raising DD alone when my family stepped up to help me.  My in-laws, on the other hand, were too busy to fit us in their busy schedules.  The credit goes to my mom and my big brother for making sure DD felt loved beyond her parents....  Thanks to them....  I have given DD a foundation of some good memories beyond being taken care of by me.

Well, with the knowledge that DH was never one to take DD out for an adventure or even create some kind of memory that could comfort her, I decided to take it upon myself to make it happen.  DH has complained that it is too expensive to do anything and we are obviously too financially strapped to do anything beyond hang out at home, I took the money I earned, so far, from my subbing days at the local high school.  Sadly, 4 paid hours after taxes is not much, but I took it and dedicated it to giving DH and DD something to do together.

I researched, on line, for fun things to do that do not cost much.  In fact, I looked for free things to do, but what was offered as free still cost something, so I found a few options for them.  I will be planning them to happen over the next few weekends while I am at work.  This weekend is the first adventure.

I prepaid for their tickets to a 5D movie experience.  What is 5D, you ask?  Simple....  It is a 3D movie you watch with moving chairs, wind machines, and whatnot to make the viewer actually feel the experience.  It is only a 30 minute experience, but it sounds like a load of fun for them.  Then, I got them a gift card to a restaurant for their lunch.  You see, I took that $40 paycheck and turned it into lunch and a short movie for DD and DH to share experiencing.  It is not an all day excursion, but a couple of hours of solid one-on-one time.  I typed my instructional letter and placed it in an envelope for DH to open tomorrow while I am away at work.  DD knows about this and I told her to keep at him to follow my instructions to the letter.  Once I get home, make dinner and have everyone at the table together, I will get to hear all about their adventure.

Trust me.... it sounds way better than the usual... "Oh, nothing happened here while you were away, Mom." if I get to hear that they actually went somewhere and did something.  Of course, it also proves to DH that it does not need to break the bank to create a memory.

I have a couple more ideas up my sleeve and one I will be participating in it and that is going to a learning zoo in a town roughly 30 minutes away by car from our home.  Entrance fee is $5 for adults and free for kids under the age of 17.  It is not a large venue like the bigger zoos near Chicago, but I see it as an experience nonetheless.  The other will take some saving up to to, but with Christmas being right around the corner, I know I will see an increase in my paycheck with the increase in work.  Yep, being strictly on commission is hard, with that feast/famine aspect, but I believe I can afford to get them to an indoor go-kart track as well as maybe supply them with a few games of laser tag.  Once DH finally sees that it is possible to do things without breaking the bank, he just might realize that I am not all that stupid and could fix some of the other problems we have here.  I swear, giving him that "big boy pill" when it came to the bills backfired when he turned into a total miser, but if he would listen to me.... he might see that what we have is actually workable and not so miserable.

Once I get these plans in action, there will probably be more, but this is a good start.  So far, the sitting at the table plan is working quite well and the animosity is less here.  There is so much work that is needed to be done and I am determined to at least try.  Lets just hope that my efforts change DD's tendency to be so drama filled that she does not score all that high on future depression screenings since our family is starting to coalesce as a team that can work together.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!

The game changer...

Morning, folks!  Just a quick addition to my mental floss and off to tackle the day....

I admit that I have tried really hard at fixing things in my home for quite a long time.  I had faith that my family would catch on and at least give an effort towards improving things around here and obviously, it has not worked.  So, I chose to take on the family issues from another angle.  You can call it a "change in the game" and you can even call me "the game changer", but who knew that hitting my breaking point would start something actually positive around here?  Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather, but there has been a positive change, albeit forced upon my family, but a positive change nonetheless over the past 24 hours and I am absolutely thrilled about it!!

So, let me share with you the events leading to this point.....

Yesterday morning was like every morning in my household.  Up before the sun was rising because I have a few seriously pinched nerves in my back.  I watch DH go running around in the dark, getting ready to hit the shower, I see DD's bedroom light turn on and hear her scramble to find something to wear for school, and I noticed that there is very little talk going on.  While usually, I do not mind because I am not a morning person and I was awake because of back pain, I saw this as something to take note of.

After DH takes his shower, I moseyed off to make some breakfast and figured I would make some breakfast for the others, too.  Kind-of like an "Ozzie and Harriet, Brady Bunch, or Leave it to Beaver" moment.  You see, usually DH grabs a bowl of his Cheerios and DD makes herself a bowl of instant oatmeal in the morning.  I decided to make everyone pancakes instead.  The reaction was surprising, to say the least.  That little act of domestic life is not all that common here, but welcomed.  I obviously took note of that.  Then, I let my family do the rest of their morning routine of scrambling around, getting things done that need to be before leaving for the day.....  like grabbing a coat, a backpack, or whatnot before bolting out the door.  I noticed yet another thing.....  the niceties were lacking.  Those, "have a nice day" comments were not there.  Just a quick "goodbye" or "see ya later" comments were said before bolting out the door.  Hmmmm...  yet another thing I took note of.

It appears that my family seems to function on less of being like a family and more like bumper cars doing their best to avoid collision.  Family togetherness is not exactly togetherness at all.  We seem to exist in one residence, but nothing more and it had me thinking.....

My musings were interrupted when I got a call from the school.  It appears that they were showing a movie and having the kids fill out questionnaires on a few hot topics that kids normally do not want to talk about....  Depression/suicide, and bullying.  That sure sounds like a heel-clicking good time for a Monday, don't you think?  Well, beyond my less than positive feel about this subject being a part of DD's learning experience, the school counselor called me.  Apparently, it was important to mention to me that while DD is not suicidal, she did score quite high on the test to see if she suffers from depression.  Oh joy!  Here we go again!!  After a long discussion of my awareness of DD's tendency to push the dramatic envelope and that I would yet again force her to speak to me again about what it is this time that has her panties in a wad, I assured the counselor that I already had her checked by a professional and was told that she is a normal child that holds onto sad moments like a crutch for an excuse when things do not go her way.  I was even willing to show this woman the bill for the local hospital doing a psych evaluation and even ask to get the results so she can ease up on believing that cookie-cutter test because everyone suffers from depression from time to time.  It is the ability to not let the negativity hold you down that should be highlighted here.  Not some general question that everyone can agree to, like.....  Do you ever feel sad?  Heck, everyone feels sad from time to time, but does that mean you are clinically depressed?  Nope, but according to that test with the yes/no answer....  it makes the assumption for you.

Okay, time to step off that podium because I took that route once and the only thing it did for me is lighten up my bank balance and tick me off.  The only thing that I did manage to learn in healing the feelings part of my mind was to find an outlet to release and turn to that... thus this blog.  It seems to work.  Most of the time, but I digress, I need to get the rest of this shared so I can do what I have planned for the day.

After the call from the school, I either snapped mentally, or I had an epiphany.  Something had to change here!

I realized I needed to look back and see where some changes are needed to be made here in our family unit.  Trust me, I have tried various things to see if there is a solution to the deterioration of this family unit.  These were my findings and this is what is being addressed... so far....

1).  DH was not exactly raised like I was when it came to parental involvement.  In fact, I get the feeling from what DH has told me about his childhood, his father was the breadwinner and his mother was the caregiver and never once was that line ever crossed.  The breadwinner doled out the punishment to all.  He was the decision maker and ruled the roost with an iron fist.  The caregiver just reported to the breadwinner of the days events, the misbehavior's, and took care of the home.  ALL cooking, cleaning and child rearing was her responsibility with a limited budget given to her from the breadwinner and that was it.  (My result in this finding:  DH believes that love towards his family has a price tag and supporting his family financially and not emotionally is showing his love for his family)

2).  Stress is a demon that everyone suffers.  Especially when money being paid out for bills exceeds money being brought in.  Heck, everyone is trying to decipher what is considered a true necessity and what is just an item we would want to have.  When dealing with stress, people turn to different "outlets" to diffuse the tension that stress creates.  Some turn to drinking, some turn to smoking, some turn to shopping and others turn to fighting.  Okay, there are a few that choose other things, like reading, crafts/hobbies, writing, eating, and whatnot, but you get my drift, right?  There is an outlet that a person chooses to take in order to release the tension and become more at ease around those that they love.  Sadly, the desire for the outlet can oust those around you that love you instead of bringing an understanding.  In my case, DH chooses to have drinks at the end of the week and sleep it off over the weekend with having the ultimate control over the remote and a permanent dent in the recliner.  DD chooses to hide in a virtual world of computer games and music blaring through a pair of ear buds.  I choose to escape reading a book, stringing beads, crocheting, blogging, and an occasional visit with friends to have a beer or two.  Depends upon what appeals to me at the moment, but I admit, I have a very diversified stress relief plan.  While there is stress in the house and stress over finances... we, as a family do not spend time together without distractions to just connect.  In fact, if we did not go grocery shopping together as a family....  I doubt we would see much of each other in our own home since we choose to be in separate parts of the house.  (My result in this finding:  We do not connect, we do not communicate...  thus, we cannot grow as a family)

Between these two things, I noticed that we are three separate people living under one roof that have the misfortune that we really do not know where we stand.  DD admitted that she was not sure if her father even loves her and is afraid to ask.  DH wants a relationship with DD, but has no clue how to do that besides irritate her like a big brother would be to a little sister.  I want to find my lost family.  We used to do things together willingly and without attitude.  We used to help each other with keeping the house in running order with chores and "honey-do" lists, we used to talk about things....  Heck, we used to eat together at the table at least once a week.  Nowadays, it is food taken to other rooms to eat alone and whenever we were hungry.  Our only outing as a family is going grocery shopping and there is bickering over who pushes the cart and figuring out how to get DD's attention to take the ear buds out of her ears.  Togetherness at home is three people spending time in three separate rooms at opposite ends of the house.... the farther, the better.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES HERE!!!

I know that DH and I try to be reasonable parents that gives some independence to our teenage child, but maybe we gave up on getting her to connect to us on her own terms.  We know very little about ourselves these days and that needs to change.

So.....  I had a talk with DH that he needs to act more like a parent than a sibling towards our daughter.  I had a talk with DD that she needs to put in more effort to check her attitude before speaking with her father (they bicker all...the...time).  I now made it mandatory that we need to eat dinner AS A FAMILY EVERY NIGHT and there will be no more taking food to another part of the house.  ALL electronic devises are turned off at dinner time... no TV, no cell phones, no computers, books, video games and whatnot....  and we are to talk about our day like the families seen on old TV shows like Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, and even The Andy Griffith Show.

The results???  In the course of one hour at the dinner table once DH got home, the attitude has changed.  DH and DD actually talked in a civil tone towards one another, and even laughed a little.  DH stopped acting like a kid, DD stopped acting like an angst-ridden teen, and DD even offered to wash the dishes after DH and I cleared the table.  Before DD went off to bed, she actually hugged her dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight, and DH even told her he loved her without being prompted to say it.  It actually came from the heart.  This morning, the routine was even different.  While I did not get up early enough to make a family breakfast for the table, there was a more loving atmosphere that bordered upon something I have wished for for years.  It feels like this is going to be a success!!!

While I know that my family has a track record of making short memory of change and reverts back to old habits, I am going to remain vigilant in keeping this going.  If I have to remind them...  I am not afraid of doing so because that snap I suffered yesterday had me telling my family what I expected and they willingly made a go of it.  Darn shame I have to be the heavy for this, but I have been the brunt-taking peace-keeper for too long.  I just never realized how thick-headed my family is to have trouble figuring stuff out on their own.  I have to give them instructions and that is just foreign to me, but if this works....  I better get used to telling people what I expect and deal with the reactions accordingly.

Now, on to step #2 of my plan to get the relationship of DH and DD to mature just a bit more.  I am planning a day trip for the two of them while I am away at work.  I found a couple of activities that are fairly cheap and will not take all day, but I can afford to prepay for it, so there will be no excuses or complaints about cost.  Once I plan it out, get the tickets, map out the plan and present it to them before Friday....  I can at least feel comfortable that I am building a better father/daughter relationship.  Of course, I have more research to do to find more really cheap (bordering on free) things to do for them and even maybe have me included in them for the future since going to the zoo costs too much in transportation costs or entrance fees, and walking the mall is too much temptation that we cannot afford....  I will find nature walks and whatnot to do.  I think we can afford a picnic lunch and an afternoon of playing a board game or two.  I just need to be creative in how I do it all and that takes time to get it done.  I have the time since I have not been getting called into work as much lately, but I need to keep my hopes up that things will turn around here in only a positive light.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!