I just saw a recent picture taken of me and I have come to the conclusion that I need to pull the plug on future pictures. If I have to use the phrase that I am in WITSEC (witness protection)... I will.
If you have not figured by the above statement.... I rarely ever look in the mirror and did not realize how much weight I have gained over the past few months. Of course, as it is well known.... when one gives up a habit, another will take its place. I thought I was eating right, but alas the proof is in the photograph. Quite depressing, if you ask me, but the facts rarely ever lie.
I know, I know.... women have a tendency to rate their worthiness by a number. It ranges from the most depressing places (the bathroom scale), and expands from there to clothing size. While I still fit in my clothes, I have noticed that they fit just a little tighter than before. Of course, if you saw me on a daily basis.... I wear fairly baggy clothes to begin with. I feel it hides the flaws better. Oh, and most of my clothes are in shades of black, gray, or other solid, dark colors. I rarely wear anything with a pattern, and if it does have one.... it is on my shirt and nowhere else.
What got me to see that I have a serious problem is when I saw the picture of me. I appeared to be..... puffy. My face looks quite fuller and there seems to be a little extra residing under my chin.
I usually avoid the scale like the plague and numbers happen to scare me, but depress me at the same time. So when curiosity reared it's ugly head this morning.... I faced the evil demon in my bathroom.... the scale... and resolved to accept it's dismal fate. Trust me... I knew I was going to be disappointed... Just not that disappointed. Yep, the overly-critical girl has returned and the decision has been made that I need to return to being a food hating, happiness killing monster that will most likely sabotage myself in the very near future because I am a weak person. So, be prepared for me to be silent in social circles. It is far safer to not poke this bear for a while.
I resigned up on my Weight Watchers site and had it recalculate what I am allowed point-wise a day. I will be researching the serving size of everything edible in my home. Snacking will be rationed out like a war-torn country under a vicious dictatorship. DH will be forewarned very soon about the potential crying jags once I have no more points to consume for the day because their picky eating choices are obviously not weight watcher approved food choices. The investment in a new bottle of vitamins to cover the nutrient loss I will be suffering with such iron-fist controlled dietary restrictions are now going to also be counted in the all mighty points fashion. Yep, I am even giving nutritional supplements a points value because chances are..... they have one that weight watchers does not tell you about and failure will become more evident if I do not succeed in a timely fashion. Of course, I know I have to be reasonable about the scale number going down at a slower pace than it took to gain, but I am going to have to be extreme if I ever want to see results. Oh, and don't get me started on the water drinking frenzy that is waiting for me.... I seriously will be fearful of drowning by water consumption at the levels that I am looking at. Oh joy! All the bland water I can consume daily.... Someone slap me!! I must be dreaming!!! I feel like I won the water drinking lottery!!!!
What I happen to wonder is.... Why can't I be that confident woman that does not base her beauty by a number? How can I overcome the insecurities that I have ingrained in my psyche that I am less worthy of a person because of my weight, my clothing size and how awful I look in pictures? Is it possible to overlook the imperfections and achieve acceptance? Do I really need to be waif thin to be truly happy? Heck, how do I accept compliments as they are and grow from them if I constantly voice my doubts of their sincerity? People are capable of saying nice things because you are nice to them, but does that really mean that they are being fully honest with you? Heck, I just wonder how I can embrace the food-Nazi lifestyle where I have to pick apart everything that passes my lips because according to weight watchers..... This is not a "diet"... it is a lifestyle change to be continued for the rest of my life. And with the holidays just around the corner? Oh, this should be fun!!!
Just be forewarned.... There will probably be long periods of silence from me. My head shall be too clogged with points values to everything in my life. From food allowances used to exercise/activity points earned. My head is already spinning in trying to figure out how I can make this work and remain working for the rest of my existence... to never once lose sight of the prize, and to be strong enough to pick myself up once I fail because I know I will fail along this journey. Heck, I will need the strength to keep picking myself up because the self-saboteur in me will be working overtime, regardless of the desire to succeed. UGH! I am already dreading the journey and I have not taken more than a few small steps.... This is not good....
Thanks for reading and have a great day....
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