The game changer...

Morning, folks!  Just a quick addition to my mental floss and off to tackle the day....

I admit that I have tried really hard at fixing things in my home for quite a long time.  I had faith that my family would catch on and at least give an effort towards improving things around here and obviously, it has not worked.  So, I chose to take on the family issues from another angle.  You can call it a "change in the game" and you can even call me "the game changer", but who knew that hitting my breaking point would start something actually positive around here?  Well, you could have knocked me over with a feather, but there has been a positive change, albeit forced upon my family, but a positive change nonetheless over the past 24 hours and I am absolutely thrilled about it!!

So, let me share with you the events leading to this point.....

Yesterday morning was like every morning in my household.  Up before the sun was rising because I have a few seriously pinched nerves in my back.  I watch DH go running around in the dark, getting ready to hit the shower, I see DD's bedroom light turn on and hear her scramble to find something to wear for school, and I noticed that there is very little talk going on.  While usually, I do not mind because I am not a morning person and I was awake because of back pain, I saw this as something to take note of.

After DH takes his shower, I moseyed off to make some breakfast and figured I would make some breakfast for the others, too.  Kind-of like an "Ozzie and Harriet, Brady Bunch, or Leave it to Beaver" moment.  You see, usually DH grabs a bowl of his Cheerios and DD makes herself a bowl of instant oatmeal in the morning.  I decided to make everyone pancakes instead.  The reaction was surprising, to say the least.  That little act of domestic life is not all that common here, but welcomed.  I obviously took note of that.  Then, I let my family do the rest of their morning routine of scrambling around, getting things done that need to be before leaving for the day.....  like grabbing a coat, a backpack, or whatnot before bolting out the door.  I noticed yet another thing.....  the niceties were lacking.  Those, "have a nice day" comments were not there.  Just a quick "goodbye" or "see ya later" comments were said before bolting out the door.  Hmmmm...  yet another thing I took note of.

It appears that my family seems to function on less of being like a family and more like bumper cars doing their best to avoid collision.  Family togetherness is not exactly togetherness at all.  We seem to exist in one residence, but nothing more and it had me thinking.....

My musings were interrupted when I got a call from the school.  It appears that they were showing a movie and having the kids fill out questionnaires on a few hot topics that kids normally do not want to talk about....  Depression/suicide, and bullying.  That sure sounds like a heel-clicking good time for a Monday, don't you think?  Well, beyond my less than positive feel about this subject being a part of DD's learning experience, the school counselor called me.  Apparently, it was important to mention to me that while DD is not suicidal, she did score quite high on the test to see if she suffers from depression.  Oh joy!  Here we go again!!  After a long discussion of my awareness of DD's tendency to push the dramatic envelope and that I would yet again force her to speak to me again about what it is this time that has her panties in a wad, I assured the counselor that I already had her checked by a professional and was told that she is a normal child that holds onto sad moments like a crutch for an excuse when things do not go her way.  I was even willing to show this woman the bill for the local hospital doing a psych evaluation and even ask to get the results so she can ease up on believing that cookie-cutter test because everyone suffers from depression from time to time.  It is the ability to not let the negativity hold you down that should be highlighted here.  Not some general question that everyone can agree to, like.....  Do you ever feel sad?  Heck, everyone feels sad from time to time, but does that mean you are clinically depressed?  Nope, but according to that test with the yes/no answer....  it makes the assumption for you.

Okay, time to step off that podium because I took that route once and the only thing it did for me is lighten up my bank balance and tick me off.  The only thing that I did manage to learn in healing the feelings part of my mind was to find an outlet to release and turn to that... thus this blog.  It seems to work.  Most of the time, but I digress, I need to get the rest of this shared so I can do what I have planned for the day.

After the call from the school, I either snapped mentally, or I had an epiphany.  Something had to change here!

I realized I needed to look back and see where some changes are needed to be made here in our family unit.  Trust me, I have tried various things to see if there is a solution to the deterioration of this family unit.  These were my findings and this is what is being addressed... so far....

1).  DH was not exactly raised like I was when it came to parental involvement.  In fact, I get the feeling from what DH has told me about his childhood, his father was the breadwinner and his mother was the caregiver and never once was that line ever crossed.  The breadwinner doled out the punishment to all.  He was the decision maker and ruled the roost with an iron fist.  The caregiver just reported to the breadwinner of the days events, the misbehavior's, and took care of the home.  ALL cooking, cleaning and child rearing was her responsibility with a limited budget given to her from the breadwinner and that was it.  (My result in this finding:  DH believes that love towards his family has a price tag and supporting his family financially and not emotionally is showing his love for his family)

2).  Stress is a demon that everyone suffers.  Especially when money being paid out for bills exceeds money being brought in.  Heck, everyone is trying to decipher what is considered a true necessity and what is just an item we would want to have.  When dealing with stress, people turn to different "outlets" to diffuse the tension that stress creates.  Some turn to drinking, some turn to smoking, some turn to shopping and others turn to fighting.  Okay, there are a few that choose other things, like reading, crafts/hobbies, writing, eating, and whatnot, but you get my drift, right?  There is an outlet that a person chooses to take in order to release the tension and become more at ease around those that they love.  Sadly, the desire for the outlet can oust those around you that love you instead of bringing an understanding.  In my case, DH chooses to have drinks at the end of the week and sleep it off over the weekend with having the ultimate control over the remote and a permanent dent in the recliner.  DD chooses to hide in a virtual world of computer games and music blaring through a pair of ear buds.  I choose to escape reading a book, stringing beads, crocheting, blogging, and an occasional visit with friends to have a beer or two.  Depends upon what appeals to me at the moment, but I admit, I have a very diversified stress relief plan.  While there is stress in the house and stress over finances... we, as a family do not spend time together without distractions to just connect.  In fact, if we did not go grocery shopping together as a family....  I doubt we would see much of each other in our own home since we choose to be in separate parts of the house.  (My result in this finding:  We do not connect, we do not communicate...  thus, we cannot grow as a family)

Between these two things, I noticed that we are three separate people living under one roof that have the misfortune that we really do not know where we stand.  DD admitted that she was not sure if her father even loves her and is afraid to ask.  DH wants a relationship with DD, but has no clue how to do that besides irritate her like a big brother would be to a little sister.  I want to find my lost family.  We used to do things together willingly and without attitude.  We used to help each other with keeping the house in running order with chores and "honey-do" lists, we used to talk about things....  Heck, we used to eat together at the table at least once a week.  Nowadays, it is food taken to other rooms to eat alone and whenever we were hungry.  Our only outing as a family is going grocery shopping and there is bickering over who pushes the cart and figuring out how to get DD's attention to take the ear buds out of her ears.  Togetherness at home is three people spending time in three separate rooms at opposite ends of the house.... the farther, the better.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO THE TRADITIONAL FAMILY VALUES HERE!!!

I know that DH and I try to be reasonable parents that gives some independence to our teenage child, but maybe we gave up on getting her to connect to us on her own terms.  We know very little about ourselves these days and that needs to change.

So.....  I had a talk with DH that he needs to act more like a parent than a sibling towards our daughter.  I had a talk with DD that she needs to put in more effort to check her attitude before speaking with her father (they bicker all...the...time).  I now made it mandatory that we need to eat dinner AS A FAMILY EVERY NIGHT and there will be no more taking food to another part of the house.  ALL electronic devises are turned off at dinner time... no TV, no cell phones, no computers, books, video games and whatnot....  and we are to talk about our day like the families seen on old TV shows like Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver, The Brady Bunch, and even The Andy Griffith Show.

The results???  In the course of one hour at the dinner table once DH got home, the attitude has changed.  DH and DD actually talked in a civil tone towards one another, and even laughed a little.  DH stopped acting like a kid, DD stopped acting like an angst-ridden teen, and DD even offered to wash the dishes after DH and I cleared the table.  Before DD went off to bed, she actually hugged her dad and gave him a kiss on the cheek to say goodnight, and DH even told her he loved her without being prompted to say it.  It actually came from the heart.  This morning, the routine was even different.  While I did not get up early enough to make a family breakfast for the table, there was a more loving atmosphere that bordered upon something I have wished for for years.  It feels like this is going to be a success!!!

While I know that my family has a track record of making short memory of change and reverts back to old habits, I am going to remain vigilant in keeping this going.  If I have to remind them...  I am not afraid of doing so because that snap I suffered yesterday had me telling my family what I expected and they willingly made a go of it.  Darn shame I have to be the heavy for this, but I have been the brunt-taking peace-keeper for too long.  I just never realized how thick-headed my family is to have trouble figuring stuff out on their own.  I have to give them instructions and that is just foreign to me, but if this works....  I better get used to telling people what I expect and deal with the reactions accordingly.

Now, on to step #2 of my plan to get the relationship of DH and DD to mature just a bit more.  I am planning a day trip for the two of them while I am away at work.  I found a couple of activities that are fairly cheap and will not take all day, but I can afford to prepay for it, so there will be no excuses or complaints about cost.  Once I plan it out, get the tickets, map out the plan and present it to them before Friday....  I can at least feel comfortable that I am building a better father/daughter relationship.  Of course, I have more research to do to find more really cheap (bordering on free) things to do for them and even maybe have me included in them for the future since going to the zoo costs too much in transportation costs or entrance fees, and walking the mall is too much temptation that we cannot afford....  I will find nature walks and whatnot to do.  I think we can afford a picnic lunch and an afternoon of playing a board game or two.  I just need to be creative in how I do it all and that takes time to get it done.  I have the time since I have not been getting called into work as much lately, but I need to keep my hopes up that things will turn around here in only a positive light.

Thanks for reading and have a great day!!!