Morning! I have taken some time to reflect a bit on the current state of things and my battle with disappointment. I noticed that I happen to have issues with things that I thought I had no control over, but manage to do the completely wrong thing to fix it. In my recent findings, I became someone that I never knew I could become and now wonder if my efforts are all in vain. It all boils down to becoming an enabler.
Let me try to explain this a better way.....
I am the enabler of lazy behavior!! If it is not fun, it will not be done! Offering assistance is beneath my family. As I was starting this blog, the time came to when DD needs to leave for school. We live walking distance from this place, but she demands to be given a ride every morning to school. As I leave the computer to grab my keys, I ask her if she felt compelled to make her lunch. I get the snarky answer of "no" and proceed to make her lunch while she sits on the kitchen counter to watch. Believe me... making a bologna sandwich is not a hard task, but she seems to always opt to not even try. Well, yesterday she did make her lunch, but acting like it was such a daunting task she felt compelled to have me make it for her today. As I pack her lunch box in her backpack, check if she has her completed homework in her backpack to take back to school, she now decides to get her socks and shoes on. Being already 5 minutes late to leave, she slowly saunters her way to the car.
Now, as I return home, I walk into the disastrous abyss that was left for me to clean up. Socks and dirty clothes lay on the floor where they were removed, clean clothes strewn all over the floor of the laundry room in an apparent frenzy of looking for that specific outfit for the day. Who cares that I just washed, dried and folded it all into its specific groups of to whom it goes to. No offer has been made by either one to put their clean stuff away for me. I should know.... I went into protest mode for almost a month and still no offer. I do my walk through to assess the damage that occurred in the past 12-16 hours since my last pick up session and try to prepare myself for the tasks that lay ahead. I find a sopping wet towel on the bathroom floor from DD (at least DH is capable of hanging up his towel... not her), dirty socks on the floor (one pair next to my bed from DH, and one pair on the living room floor from DD), dirty clothes scattered on the bathroom floor from DD (she seems incapable of putting it in the laundry room just mere steps away... 3 to be exact from leaving the bathroom), blankets from DD's bedroom now are in a pile in my living room since she prefers to lounge on the couch until the last possible minute, extra shoes scattered around by the front door, extra coats and a sweater hanging over the banister that people opted to not put away since it was not the choice to wear today, paper plate from this mornings waffle of DD's on the coffee table, and when I left I could not find the remote to the TV until I returned after moving DD's blanket collection off the couch.
Somehow, all my attempts of keeping a home in order is not really appreciated enough to actually make attempts to keep it that way by the others in this house. As I still can hear the shriek from DD's lips this morning ringing in my ears, a certain Disney Story comes to mind.... I am Cinderella with a 21st Century issue because I married my "Prince Charming" and I do not see a happily ever after in this story. I get more "rolled eyes", sass talk, sighs of disappointment, and excuses of "sorry... it turned into one" with a solid mix of raised voices and complete ignorance of acknowledging feelings other than their own.... I am now going to own up to that I created a pair of monsters.... I enabled laziness and poor treatment towards myself as a way to avoid confrontation, conflict, or disruption in their "fun time". I think I have hit my limit, but cannot find a way to take back some of my ability to delegate or even a smidgen of self esteem to become able to fight for myself. I guess that my attempts of silently keeping control of the chaos that I allow to happen is my way of accepting that this is the best it is going to ever be. Believe me.... It could be much worse, but there is a lot of room for improvement. I believe that there is love in this house for me.... Misdirected and even a little hard to see, but it is there. I just wonder if it is strong enough to weather the storm that is on the horizon when my breaking point finally hits and I try to take back what was taken away from me by their dependent behavior.... The awesomeness that I know I possess that makes me feel valued and revered as I should be. Maybe even see the look that DH had in his eyes for me when we were dating. Oh heck! I am shooting for the moon on this one, but here goes..... To be looked up to instead of being looked down upon.
Knowing the problem is one thing..... Fixing it is a completely different thing. Since I cannot get a straight answer from them about how to fix this problem reasonably, I know I will have a battle on my hands when I try some of my ideas.....
No comments:
Post a Comment