Greetings and Salutations!
Sorry it has been a few days since my last blog. Somehow, writer's block is the culprit. I have opened the floodgates to what is going on in my mind when I started blogging. It is just so hard to figure which idea, thought process or experience is blog worthy on any given day when I appear to have way too much going on, yet have nothing really special happening. I mean... What thrill can I create out of being a housewife and mother that tries to avoid drama at all costs that is worthy of a decent read? My goodness!! I believe I suffer from Stockholm Syndrome because I feel trapped mentally and physically in my own body because of my desire to conform to what is considered less than a conventional or even revered concept of what married life should be. Darn television and the lies they spew to our youth that marriage is such a happy institution!!
Did the Cleaver family in Leave it to Beaver really have things that sugary sweet? That June Cleaver can manage a home and still look just so happy through it all with every hair in place? That the kids are so courteous that even the most simple of "infractions" in behavior is easily fixed by just talking about it like a moral of a story? That fighting was not really fighting because there was always talk and reasoning? How about the fact that the family has dinner at the same time with Dad actually coming home right after work to see a calm and reserved family with a meal on the table? HA! Live a day in the life of mine and you see everything... and I mean everything being the total opposite. There are no family dinners at the same time every night, DH comes home when he feels like it, DD has the inability to listen to reason, and no matter how hard I try... I just can't get my house spotless when I live with two others that are incapable of picking up after themselves. I look haggard at the end of the day and practically on the verge of a nervous breakdown waiting to be assured that DH made it home safely at night. This is definitely not the lifestyle I thought I was getting out of saying "I do" almost 13 years ago. Fighting for what I believe is right ends up becoming a bloodbath of vicious words, sleepless nights, and no resolutions. Fighting is never fair and just like it is portrayed on TV here.
Now, I know that what is on television is just the concept from a group of writers and the family members are just a group of actors reading their lines, but it does give hope that there should be a bit of truth to what really is expected in a marriage. My gosh! Even cynical shows like Roseanne, and Married with Children have less realistic qualities compared to what I have signed up for. I just wonder why that it is the way it is in my little world. Oh, that's right..... The only way for change to happen is if there is desire to change. Sadly, I have been making all the changes and there is zero desire to change by the ones closest to me. Marriage is made up of two people... not one. If one decides to change for the greater good, one would assume that the other would at least do the same. To become the Ying to the others Yang; to become the balance in creating a cohesive team that supports and balances the other. Nope. Not in my lifetime will I ever see that happen. I married a stubborn man and gave birth to an even more stubborn child. Both have blinders on when it comes to my desperate attempts to be remotely even close to a functional family; to even have an inkling of similarity to what the Cleaver family or even Nelson family of the TV era was. I guess that the only family lifestyle I should be accustomed to is the TV reality family of Meet the Osbornes, but with less swearing and one (actually two) less sibling(s). DH can be Ozzy, I can be Sharon and DD can be Kelly. We just lack the mansion, the maid service, the fame and the fortune.
I just have to embrace that this is all I am getting because I am tired of trying. I decided long ago that I was going to get married only once. No matter how hard it is, no matter how frustrating it becomes, no matter how spirit breaking it can become.... I will always try to hold on. If it is to ever end... I guarantee you all.... I would not get married again because chances are.... If I was to have known then what I know now.... Saying "I do" would not have happened. Sad but true. Marriage changes people and not always in the best way either. Do I regret getting married? No. If I didn't get married, I would not have learned what I have and I would not have been blessed to have a child or even gotten the opportunity to experience unconditional love that I have for my daughter. Some things need to be experienced in order to learn from them.
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