I went to a gathering last night and learned something that I needed to share....
Did you know that it is quite possible to learn your opinion of yourself?
As I sat there among friends, I realized that there is much to learn about yourself beyond the social aspect. Sadly, it is not the most positive thought, in fact, I succumbed to actually crying in public and fled because of it. I was just amazed that I lasted as long as I did.
Pretty depressing, I have to admit, but a revelation nonetheless....
If you are not ready to hear my sob story... you are allowed to stop here and go on with your day. Thanks for getting this far. If you are ready to read a very disturbing thought... please feel free to read on.
Last night, I attended a "girls night out" that also offered beyond the usual drinking and light conversation to including a "white elephant" gift exchange. What is "white elephant", you ask? Well, it is usually a crap shoot of what you end up with at the end of the evening when it comes to a gift purchase limit of lets say... $15. The gift can range from humorous to cute and everything in between. It is basically what a person can think of for an expense of $15 or less (well, in some cases more if the limit is set higher). Needless to say... there was a wide range to what the participants provided. After each person grabbed a random gift, exchanging your selection went into full force. What you originally selected was not necessarily what you took home. People had the option to swap what they had with another for something that they would rather have.
My evening started off with the gift of chocolates and some wine, but ended with a tin filled with sensual stuff that couples are to enjoy in a romantic setting. In all honesty, I would have been better off with the wine and chocolates since romance is basically dead in my life. As I was told, not too long ago, that even if the mind is willing... the body can think otherwise. Blame it on recent medications, blame it on a medical condition, but once the blame has been announced.... there is no chance that some oils, incense, and candles is going to change the fact it is just not gonna happen.
As I watched perfectly capable women in perfectly capable relationships pass this gift offering, I knew that ending up with this gift was not going to change my chances for a romantic encounter with DH. It made me sad to know that regardless of the good intentions of the friend that took my wine and chocolates to give me the "romance tin of goodies", I will never get the opportunity to put that stuff to use. That optimistic attitude that was offered to me felt more like a punch in the stomach than a thought of hope for me. I was raised to appreciate what is offered to me regardless of how I feel about it, and accepted what I got with a smile on my face. I just could not really share the fact that I have been told by the one that I love that even though the mind may be willing.... the body is not. The current excuse is the medications that he needs to take to be healthy. I, obviously know better. The fire of desire died well before his "condition" that requires medications. I am that hopeless romantic that clings on to those three little words I hear from DH from time to time, but have to accept that all I am deserving of is words. I am looked upon as a caregiver, cook and maid... no longer a vital woman that is desired, but told she is loved. I guess something is better than nothing, right?
For years, I knew that the change in my body after DD was born resulted in less than the look of those scantily clad models that grace the calendars that hang on the walls of a man's garage, the bodies that show off more skin in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, or the sexual enticement that is in full color and made to be centerfolds in those magazines for men that regardless of what they claim is strictly for the articles (of which we woman are smart enough to know better) like Playboy or Hustler. What I happen to be is an average woman that dealt with the ravages of pregnancy and the losing battle to snap back to the fighting weight that I had well before I had a child. I know that it is not pretty, I know that stretch marks are not beautiful, nor is the distorted shape that happens after childbirth. I always believed that beauty was to come from within, but lets be honest.... it is the external appearance that matters most.
As I have tried to change my appearance, I know that I am an emotional eater. I try to fill the void in my life with food.... especially chocolate. It is hard to fight the emotional barriers that manage to sabotage my attempts to obtaining the ideal body that can get the attention that I so desperately crave.
Alone and feeling unwanted has managed to seep it's ugly feeling into my social life. I actually felt sick being out with my friends I know that do not judge me by my appearance. I have been told that they like me for who I am but who am I if I hate myself? I noticed my ability to be in a room filled with people, yet not be seen. I keep a distance from people nowadays. I am ashamed of what I have become, but not strong enough to do something about it. Trust me... I have tried and continuously failed. As I looked around the room for some sense of belonging... I found none. I put my best foot forward and still felt inadequate. The moment that a friend tried to convince me that it is not me that is lacking in order to feel better.... I lost it and started to cry. I was losing control at hiding my true feelings about myself and I knew it was time to leave. Nobody needs to see the pain I feel... Nobody needs to hear the sad story that I live... Nobody needs to deal with the baggage that I carry from day-to-day. This is my personal Hell that I deal with alone. I strive to hide that from everyone and with that weak moment that I had.... I have no doubt that they are thankful that I left.
What I did manage to learn from this is that I am no longer able to handle social situations as well as I used to. The experiences that I have had managed to teach me to hate myself even more than before and with that firmly residing under my skin... I am now even less able to push it down to hide it from everyone that gets near me. The one person that understood me and knew what to do to get me out of this funk is living in another state. I have been hearing less from her lately and she is not here to smack me in the head to just knock off the negativity that bubbles inside me. I do not blame her for my misery... I blame myself. I just really have nobody that can pull me from this downward spiral that is pulling me deeper and deeper into an introvert. The one person that could possibly change my attitude about myself beyond what my best friend can do is not interested and tells me that I need to get my head out of my backside; that I am apparently off my rocker, but cannot offer me any proof to show me that I am. The moment that I feel I need support, I am left to my own devises to deal with it. I am basically a dog that has been smacked with the newspaper far too often and left in that small cage to think about what I supposedly did wrong, but too clueless to know what it is or what to do about it. In all honesty, I have not been smacked with a newspaper nor stuck in a small cage to think about it, but it sure does feel that way. Really, I should not rely upon others to make me feel better about myself, but I do. Whatever I have tried to do is apparently not enough and never will be enough. I am now too tired to try anymore. I guess I am better off reading about someone else's happily ever after since I sure as heck is not deserving of one. I can only guess that I am asking for too much and not deserving of such a tall order. Sigh... oh well... as the saying goes.... life never gives you what you want, life only gives you what you are supposed to handle or what it feels you deserve. Time to face the music.... this is what I deserve... I need to deal with it because it certainly is not going to change any time soon. I guess what I need to do is look for the good in a lousy situation, hold onto it for dear life and hope it propels me forward to something greater.
Thanks for reading. Sorry it is such as depressing thought. Have a nice day regardless.....
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