I have a love/hate relationship with my Facebook account! Chances are, I am not the only one that feels the same. You see, I love the concept of keeping in touch with friends, but I really have no talent in being actually social on a social site. I mean, I can say "hi" and "here's to hoping everyone has a great day", heck I can even embellish the specific day to reflect the certain holiday like New Years, Valentines Day, Veteran's Day, Memorial Day, 4th of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. Oh heck, I can even embellish on saying "happy arbor day... now, go hug a tree!", if the mood moves me for those less than celebrated holidays. I can be quirky, but not when it comes to typing something I think could be seen as funny. When it comes to being "laugh out loud" funny... it is a total crap shoot. I can't tell a story about something without turning it into some long-winded account that requires me to blog about it so I can share a simple thought. I realized that I lack the rep of being a sarcastic, crude, funny, nice, lovable, or as one friend acclaimed the status of being called "evil". I am just.... me, and I really do not know anymore what that really is. When I manage to post something, I realize that I look at it with an even more scrutinizing eye so that I do not get the dreaded phone call from my family about how I am socializing completely wrong and putting too much information out there for people to misconstrue.
I recall a time when I made a small complaint about having poor time management skills around Thanksgiving a few years back and ended up in a comment battle with my sister-in-law. She thought I was complaining about my husband (her brother) on a public forum where he could not defend himself. While I pointed out endless times that I said nothing in reference to my husband and that my comment is about my inability to get my list of things to do done in a timely manner.... I was labeled the bad buy. Heck, my sister-in-law unfriended me and refused to be in the same room with me when we saw each other over the Christmas gathering at my in-law's house. In all honesty, I really did not care all that much that she decided to shun me, but she did act in such a way that made me feel quite strongly to punch her in her smug face for being a drama queen. Oh needless to say.... I know that people are prone to misunderstand what I put out there, so I spend a fair amount of time censoring and re-thinking everything I plan to share. Heck, it is a strain to figure how to share what I just did share in this blog. Yep, I am verbally stunted because of the ramifications of what I do, what I think and how I should feel.
Well, back to my love/hate situation..... As I said before.... I love staying connected with friends, I hate being unable to share without being understood. There is one other thing that I have come to the conclusion on..... Facebook has become high school again. The cliques at how people interact with one another. I was never one to be in a clique in high school. I had friends in every group out there.... from geeks/nerds to jocks to the party crew.... I knew a lot of people. I was never categorized into one group because of my diversified selection of friends. I was never the center of attention, but I was not hidden in the shadows either. What bothered me back then was how the attention was spread. You were either the center of attention or you were a loner; an outcast. What was in between (like myself), was the elusive space in between.... memorable, but easily forgettable. While I had it in me to push my way to at least try to be one of the more popular kids in school, my shy nature held me back and had me harbor ill feelings towards those that always were the center of attention.... you know.... the ones that everyone knew and you were not considered worthy to collect the dust in their wake. Yep, the ones that everyone wanted to be friends with, but got shunned if you did not fit into their world.... this is where social sites, like Facebook, happen to highlight again regardless of the years past. Well, except it is not really shunning, but feeling like you are invisible on the site.
I know that my friends are not like that, but it does come to mind when a person shares a feeling or thought and nobody comments on it. It is probably because of how it is taken by the person reading the posting. Either it comes off as bragging, complaining, or shoving a belief down the throats of everyone who sees it. The quirky statuses that I have seen even leave me speechless about what to say, so I say nothing. It is not being mean, it is just not bothering with typing the word "speechless" because of being unsure how to react to it. I have been on the receiving end of some people that take what I share in a completely different way than I had intended. That brings on reactions that were not even considered before pressing "send". I can only gather that I am too afraid to really speak my mind because I would get someone angry. I get enough fighting and the silent treatment at home, thank you, and I really do not want to burn the bridges that I have built a second time because I cannot be the constant social butterfly. I just do not know what to do about it and it frustrates me to no end. I really do not want to be the one clamoring for the coveted spotlight to be the center of attention, but I do not want to come off as a social repellent either. I am too honest with my feelings and believe me..... my life is not all rainbows and unicorns. Really, who needs to be hearing the less than blissfully upbeat life that is mine and mine alone? Sure, I can share deep thought about what happens around me, I can share my real feelings in a blog, but I really do not know where to stand when it comes to sharing. I do not want pity for my shortcomings, but I do not want to rub it into everyone's face when something good comes my way, either.
So answer me this..... what is acceptable to share these days? Do I remain honest and guarded? Or do I lie to everyone? Do I need to share all the places I go? Or do I share the more interesting things I happen to do? I can tell people where I went to lunch or dinner, but saying I am eating in my kitchen is a bit boring, don't you think? Or how I have completed the laundry for the week when everyone knows that next week I will be doing the same thing again? I do not photograph well and taking my own picture of myself almost seems a bit egotistical if I do that all the time. Especially since in my line of work, I am known to change my hair from time to time. I happen to live a very quiet existence in my house with random moments of excitement, but what I consider exciting is far from thrilling in the eyes of others. I read too many books to share my thoughts on every one of them, but I know that regardless of the genre that I am currently hooked into is not something that interests everyone, so why talk about it? I can only gather that the reason that DH has nothing to say to me is because we really have nothing new to say.... we have no adventures to take, and our interests have changed. I want to explore thought and feelings and he would rather sleep on the couch. Of course, when he does decide to share feelings.... it is the anger that he has bottled up needing release and I am the apparently perfect candidate to taking the slings and arrows to have a nice, long span of time that I get the cold shoulder and silent treatment. I just do not know anymore.... I am feeling that I need to stop trying to share because there are times I feel even more alone sharing than I do when I am actually alone..... So there you have it.... a gray mood to match the gray looking day that I see from my window.....
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